We push and pull like a magnet do

Ed’s Pov

Ever since our phone call, I tried texting her every day, but she never replied back and she didn’t even open my texts. I had been rejected by quite a few girls before and I had always been able to move on, but I couldn’t with her. She haunted my dreams and every time I closed my eyes I’d see her beautiful brown eyes filled with sadness. I kept myself busy throughout the day with work, but she was still always on the back of my mind. She stole my heart that day in the airport and I knew that she would always have my heart. I just wish she’d give me a chance. I sighed and got out of bed, I had spent enough time feeling sorry for myself and I still needed to unpack my bag. I had left it there after I came back from Tokyo and it had been lying there for a few weeks now.

I grabbed my hand luggage first, and just turned it upside down and emptied it on the bed. Along with my belongings, a notebook fell down as well and I knew it wasn’t mine because I didn’t bring any notebooks with me. I grabbed it and turned it over and my eyes widened as I saw what it said on the front. “Diary” it said and I knew instantly it must be Hana’s.

“Shit,” I said loudly. I must have grabbed her notebook by mistake as I was grabbing my own things at the airport. I sat down, forgetting the things I had to unpack, and opened the notebook. I flipped through the first few pages until one particular sentence caught my eye.

I feel empty.

I read that sentence over and over again. It was a short sentence, only three words, but the impact of what they meant hit me hard. I almost couldn’t bear to read the rest of it, but I decided I should. I needed to understand her, get a glimpse of what she was dealing with. So I kept on reading.

I’m sat here at this airport, there are people surrounding me, I’m not alone. Then why does it feel like I’m in a dark room, trying to navigate life on my own? It’s like someone has blindfolded me and taken me to this place far far away and left me on my own, to find my back home. The old Hana, the Hana that used to find the smallest things funny, the Hana that would smile all the time, she’s gone. She left and all there’s left is this thing walking around trying to navigate herself through life.

I keep looking at myself in the mirror. I hate everything about me. But my looks aren’t everything, I hate myself, the essence of what makes me, that’s what I hate. I’ve let so many people down ever since my father died. And I keep letting people down. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, nobody would care anyway.

As I finished reading, I had to put the notebook down. How could someone carry this much weight on them without breaking? This is why she is holding herself back. She thinks she’ll be a burden for me. She doesn’t want to bother me with her troubles. I shook my head. I had to talk to her. No, I needed to talk to her. Be there for her. But how? Suddenly I had an idea. I took out my phone and dialled Stuart. He picked up on the second ring.

“What’s up Ed?” he said and I could tell he sounded surprised. I don’t blame him, one day I just called and said I needed a break and left, I hadn’t called him since.

“Hey, Stuart are you okay?” I said, figuring it would be rude if I just called him out of the blue.

“Ed, you haven’t called in over six months since you left, what’s up?” he asked again and I sighed.

“Could we possibly arrange a gig in Sweden?” I asked quickly and he went quiet.

“Are you sure you’re ready to come back?” he said and I smiled. I was ready, but more importantly, I needed to find Hana.

“Yes I am Stu, just please tell me you can get a gig sorted? I’ll agree to anything.” I said quickly

“Hmmm well Swedish Idol is on at the moment, and I’m sure they’d love to have you on if you agree to sing with the contestants,” he said and I groaned immediately. I hated these kinds of gigs, but more so I hated singing with other contestants, they never really understood my music even if they tried. But I needed to do this, so I sucked it up.

“Alright then, I’ll do whatever they want, just please get me a gig,” I said and he laughed and agreed and told me he’d get back to me when he had it all sorted. I hung up the phone and laid down on my bed again, taking the notebook and holding it against my chest. I had to see her.

Hana’s Pov:

Ever since my phone conversation with Ed, I tried to ignore him. He kept texting me, I had over fifty text messages over the past two weeks, but I didn’t open them. He needed to move on, and me texting him back wouldn’t give him closure. As for me, I was used to disappointment, so I tried to get on with it. I had wanted to write about this, but me being me I realised that I had lost my notebook somewhere, and I couldn’t find it anywhere either. I still remembered my mum and my sister having a go at me for losing all my things all the time.

∞Flashback∞

“Mum, have you seen my notebook by any chance? It’s purple.” I yelled, frantically going through my things in the room, not finding it anywhere.

“No, you know I don’t keep a track of your things, you need to start looking after them properly, how many times have I told you this Hana!” she yelled back and I rolled my eyes. I went over to my sister asking her instead.

“Have you seen it?” I asked and she rolled her eyes at me and that made me really annoyed.

“You can just say that you’ve not seen it, you don’t have to be rude,” I muttered, walking past her and she just told me I should keep a track of my things. I went back into the room and slammed the door. No one really understood me.

∞End flashback∞

I sighed as I thought about it, but shrugged. It didn’t matter anyway, it was just pieces of paper with some words on them, I walk around with these feelings running through my mind and body all the time, its nothing compared to the little that’s in that book. I shook my head and decided to get back to reality. Today we had a theme day at the school, so us adults had to dress up into younger versions of ourselves, and perform for the kids. Now, this is where it got tricky for me. I couldn’t remember much of my teenage years, so I had to ask for photos.

As I looked at my younger self I couldn’t help but feel sad, I knew every smile on those photos was fake because even at that time my mind was like a raging storm. I ended up deciding to wear a plain black T-shirt with a black and grey plaid shirt on, with a pair of black skinny jeans. I let my hair out, as I used to do when I was younger, applied thick black eyeliner and left the house. As I walked to work I felt a bit nervous, I had chosen to sing as my performance, last time I actually sang was when I was a teenager… I wasn’t even sure if my voice was good, but I was a little excited for this nonetheless. As I reached work, I noticed people looking at me, probably because I was dressed differently, I never dressed this casually nowadays, I always looked smart.

“Hey Hana!” one of my colleagues said and I smiled at him.

“Hey, Stephan!” I said and he gave me a light hug. Stephan was my old teacher in Swedish, and he was going to help me with my performance.

“Tell me what the plan is,” he said and I smiled.

“We’re doing I see fire by Ed Sheeran, just as we planned earlier,” I said and he nodded. Suddenly I thought of something.

“Uhmm I don’t know if this is too last minute, but how about we engage some students in it? Towards the end of the song?” I said and he seemed to love the idea. We agreed that I would be singing by myself and towards the climax of the song, we’d have a few kids on stage, singing with me. I think that would create a really cool vibe to the song. I knew Ed’s songs were unique and no one could really outdo him, so that’s why I wanted to add something extra, I didn’t want it to be one of those corny covers. I knew this had never been done before. A small part of me wished Ed had been here to see this, but on the other hand, I knew this was for the best.

We spent the next two hours planning everything briefly and before I knew it, it was time. We were located in the library, and the whole school was seated in the library and we were on this small stage. We all smiled at the kids and I grabbed a guitar, and sat down by the edge of the stage, where there also was a microphone.

“Hey everyone,” I said and they all went quiet. It was really strange hearing myself across the library. It sort of echoed a little.

“You all know why we are here, and I thought I’d entertain you a little, this is one of my most favourite songs, I hope you’ll love it as much as I do,” I said and then gave the others the signal and they started playing, and I strummed my guitar. After making sure everything was alright, I took a breath and licked my lips before singing.

“Oh, misty eye of the mountain below” I sang and paused for a second, just like Ed did.

“Keep careful watch of my brothers’ souls
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin’s son”

As I finished the first verse, I strummed my guitar again and started playing. I continued singing the rest of the song until I reached the climax and my colleague got the kids up on the stage and everyone cheered.

“And if the night is burning
I will cover my eyes
For if the dark returns then
My brothers will die
And as the sky’s falling down
It crashed into this lonely town
And with that shadow upon the ground
I hear my people screaming out” as I sang the last verse, my colleague signalled to the kids and they all joined in on the last bit of the song.

“Now I see fire, inside the mountain
I see fire, burning the trees
And I see fire, hollowing souls
And I see fire, blood in the breeze

I see fire, oh you know I saw a city burning (fire)
And I see fire, feel the heat upon my skin (fire)
And I see fire (fire)
And I see fire (burn auburn on the mountainside)” I finished off the last bit and as we stopped playing everyone cheered and I smiled. That was amazing.

We spent the rest of the day talking about the performances, the kids didn’t have any classes and I got to finish early. As I got home I went on my phone and to my surprise, he hadn’t texted me once the whole day. I guess he did move on. I just shrugged and went on Instagram. My friend had tagged me in a post saying that Ed Sheeran was coming on the Swedish idol this Friday, apparently, he was going to perform with some contestants. I raised an eyebrow. Perform with some contestants? Now that didn’t seem like something he’d agree to. But I brushed it off, my friend kept insisting on us getting tickets and I told her no, I couldn’t go there and see him again, not after everything that’s happened. It would be too painful. I texted my friend for a bit longer before I decided to go to sleep, I was exhausted and frankly, I just wanted to slip away into la-la land for a bit, it was a nice escape from life.

∞Next morning∞

I woke up from the sound of my phone ringing. I groaned and looked at the time, it was 5:30 am on a Friday, who would call me this early? Without thinking I grabbed my phone and declined the call without looking at the caller ID. If it was anyone important, they’d call me back later. I put my phone on do not disturb and closed my eyes, falling back to sleep. The next time I woke up it was from my alarm and it was 7am, time for work. I groaned as I stretched in bed. I had a broken sleep since I already woke up once before, I needed coffee. I got out of bed and went straight into the kitchen, making myself a cup of coffee. I took my phone out and my eyes widened slightly as I had four missed calls and over ten text messages, all of them from Ed. I sighed. But I decided to open his recent texts.

Ed: Hana I know the chances of you reading this or picking up your phone are small, but if you do read this then please call me. I’m in Sweden, Stockholm, just got here today. I really want to see you, please give me a call or a text.

I frowned as I read his text. I pondered for a bit, thinking of all the possible scenarios that could play out if I texted him back. Would he come here? Sweep me off my feet? Would we live happily ever after? I shook my head. There was no way he was interested in me in that way. He probably just wanted to be friends. I couldn’t risk that. So I decided to leave it. I went on with my regular routine of getting ready for work, and by the time I was done I had received three more texts from him, but I ignored them all. I went to work, getting ready for the usual routine that was my life. No, there’s no way we would end up together.