I Can See A Glimmer. [ONE SHOT]

18th February 2014.

Rian is sitting on the tour bus, scrolling through Twitter on his phone and liking some fans' tweets. It's a day off for the band today and all the others have gone out to do their own respective things. Alex was supposed to stay with Rian so that they could spend some much-needed time together but he had rushed off earlier in the day, telling Rian he had something 'important' to do, whatever that meant. He promised he wouldn't take long though, and it's already been a few hours so Rian's expecting him any minute now. He can't stop checking the bus door, mentally cursing himself every time he catches himself doing so. Man, he really needs to get laid by someone who's not Alex.

-

Alex is so happy with what he's bought today. He hates letting Rian down but he knows that what he and Rian have is not more important than this. What he and Rian have is purely sexual - what he and Lisa have is everything to him. He's sure Rian will be so happy for him. He walks through the bus door gleefully, holding the small jewellers' plastic bag in his hand and smiling when his eyes land upon Rian, who's getting up to hug his best friend almost immediately.

"Hey, you took a while!" Alex accepts the hug, the bag gently hitting Rian's back as he wraps his arms around his friend.

"Yeah, but with good reason. Sit down." Rian obeys, sitting back in his place on the couch, his eyes totally fixated on Alex as the slightly older man excitedly pulls out the small ring box. He opens it and shows Rian the huge diamond inside. A look of confusion takes real estate upon his best friend's face.

"I-I don't understand..." Stammers Rian, anxiety rising in his chest - for what reason, he doesn't particularly know. Alex looks at him like he's stupid.

"It's for Lisa. I'm gonna propose." Rian sits, stunned. Suddenly, he feels nauseous for some reason.

"T-that's great." Rian says. He truly wants to be happy for his friend but for some reason, something feels... off. He decides maybe it's just shock, or concern or something. "Are you sure you're ready for that?"

"Yeah." Replies Alex, confidently. "Aren't you happy for me?"

"Yeah, course." Rian tries to make himself sound convincing, but he knows full well that he doesn't do a very good job of it at all. He wonders if Alex can tell he's lying.

"Good..." Alex nods slightly. Rian's expression tells him that something is wrong with his friend but he decides not to pry, especially considering the important question he has to ask Rian next. "So, can you hold the ring for me? We have touring and then recording the new album so I don't know when I'm gonna actually do it so I thought you would be the best person to hold it until then, what with you living on the other side of the country and all." Rian tries to give a reassuring smile but he just feels like he wants the ground to swallow him fucking whole right then. "Plus, I trust you." Alex smiles, trying to make eye contact with his best friend but Rian just can't look at the older man right now. And he doesn't know why. Rian takes a deep breath before replying. He doesn't want to upset Alex.

"Sure."

-

25th February 2014.

It's been a week since Alex asked Rian to hold the ring for him and it's been, quite honestly, taunting the younger man, just sitting in his bag and staring at him. He doesn't know why he feels so bad about this whole situation. He knows he should be happy for his friend but he just can't. As Rian lays in his bunk, just pondering all of this yet again, somebody suddenly pulls back the curtain and he comes face to face with one Alexander Gaskarth. Rian sighs.

"Why are you so pissy lately?" Alex asks as he climbs into his friend's bunk, Rian reluctantly moving over to make space for the taller man. Alex's question causes a sting in Rian's chest.

"I'm not pissy." Alex scoffs at Rian's response.

"Dude, if being pissy was an Olympic sport, you'd have taken home the gold this past week." The older man chuckles gently, before turning on his side so that he's facing his best friend. "What's up?" Alex is genuinely concerned about the younger man. Rian sighs and moves to face Alex as well. He finds himself admiring his friend's eyes.

"I don't know. I just have this weird feeling since you told me you're planning to propose to Lisa. I don't know why." Alex frowns at this.

"Do you not want me to?"

"No, it's not that!" Rian cries quickly, not wanting his best friend to think anything of the sort. "I want you to be happy, I just- I don't know. Maybe I'm just still getting over the initial shock, who knows..." Alex smiles reassuringly and leans in for a kiss from his friend. Rian easily reciprocates. He loves kissing Alex.

"We better get in as much sex as we can, y'know." Alex says after pulling away, trying to take Rian's mind off of whatever was bothering him. Rian looks confused. "Don't you remember the arrangement? We can only get each other off on tour as long as there's no ring on anyone's finger?" Alex begins kissing Rian's neck after he says this and suddenly, Rian knows exactly what's bothering him. Oh, boy.

-

15th June 2014.

Rian is tracking drums in the studio, engrossed in the process. They are well into the recording process for their new album, Future Hearts, right now. It's hard to be around Alex so much, if Rian's honest. Even worse that Lisa is more often than not with him. Rian feels so damn guilty every time he sees her. He knows Alex loves her, and it kills him to think about it. Over the past few months, Rian has been slowly realising his romantic feelings for Alex. He's tried so hard to push it to the back of his mind but every time he sees that ring, it hits him all over again, just like that first night in his bunk with Alex kissing his neck. Fuck, he's so glad he left that ring at home to come out here. He knows that if he hadn't, it just would have been taunting him the entire time and distracting him from the task at hand: the album. Suddenly, Alex walks into the booth, interrupting Rian's flow.

"Fuck!" Rian cries, slamming his sticks down in utter frustration. Their producer, John Feldmann, stops recording and looks up at Rian's outburst. He hadn't noticed Alex sneaking into the booth. John sighs.

"Sorry!" Alex jumps back. He has 2 cups of coffee in his hands from the local coffee shop. He hands one to Rian who reluctantly accepts. "How's it going?" Rian looks up at the older man, glaring at him.

"How do you think it's going?" The younger man exasperates at his friend. "Fucking leave, will you?!" Looking at Alex's face just reminds Rian of everything that's been bothering him for months. He can't play with him in the booth. Alex instantly looks hurt and Rian feels instantly guilty.

"Sorry!" The older man turns effeminately, emphasising the last syllable of his apology sarcastically and pretending to flip his non-existent long hair as he moves. "I'll leave. Thank you for the coffee, Alex. Oh, no problem, Rian, you're welcome!" Alex turns to look at Rian, smirking as he walks out the door and OK, Rian does laugh a little at that. Alex goes to stand on the other side of the glass, resolving to just watch his friend drum instead. Rian smiles at Alex's supportive nature a little bit before nodding to John, giving him the go ahead to start recording again. As the drummer begins playing from the top, he glances to the window and sees Lisa entering the room and giving Alex a kiss. His heart stung as he watched the couple and he ended up making a mistake on his kit. He stopped, immediately recognising what he did and trying to focus his attention on the task at hand - and not at the niggling jealous feeling in his chest.

"Fuck, what is up with you, man?" John asks and Rian painfully forces his gaze to the window, noting Alex's confused expression at his bandmate's mistake.

"Sorry. Try again." Rian tried so hard to put himself back in the zone as John pressed record yet again, although he knew it was futile. He made a lot of mistakes that day.

-

12th July 2014.

Rian honestly just wants to burn that ring. Cassadee was going on tour and was worried about losing it so he had to bring it with him to his parents' house in Baltimore. He and the guys are playing a one-off concert at the Baltimore Soundstage tonight and so, of course, he's staying in his former home. He usually loved playing hometown shows and being able to spend time with his family but this time, it meant being around that fucking ring all the time and so, things had been nowhere near fun for the drummer to say the least.

He's laying on his bed, just staring up at the ceiling, when there's a knock on his bedroom door. Alex walks in about 5 seconds afterwards, not even waiting for Rian's reply. He sits down on the edge of Rian's bed.

"When did you get here?" Groans Rian, turning to his side so he wouldn't have to see his friend.

"Fuck, man, what is up with you lately?" Alex exasperates, thoroughly fed up with Rian's attitude. Rian has been seriously worrying him lately. He didn't even seem like he wanted to be friends with the older man anymore to be honest. "What have I done to upset you?" Rian is silent. Alex sighs. "Fine. Be like that. I just came to tell you that we need to get to the venue now." He slaps Rian's thigh gently as he gets back up from the bed. He waits in the doorway for the younger man to get up but to no avail. Rian isn't budging while Alex is still in his house. Alex huffs, turning on his heels and going back downstairs, muttering the words "so childish" as he walks away, shaking his head in disbelief. A tear runs down Rian's cheek as he hears his best friend leaving. He knows he's been an asshole to Alex lately and he feels bad, he does. It's just that it's easier to push Alex away than to face the fact that he's in love with his best friend. Plus, every time he looks at Alex, he's reminded of what he can't have and it. fucking. sucks.

-

The guys have just had an amazing show and everyone is on cloud nine. Even Rian's usual grumpy expression is replaced by a wide, happy smile, showing off his brilliant white teeth. Everyone congratulates each other and they even go out to celebrate afterwards and for once, Rian can actually stomach giving Alex the time of day and it feels so fucking good. It feels almost normal between the two of them again. But then, Rian gets too drunk and is driven home by some of their crew. He gets into his house, stumbling and trying not to wake up his parents. It's only 1AM but Rian has always been the biggest lightweight in the band so he was already absolutely smashed. Once he gets up to his room, he decides to FaceTime Cassadee, who should be all moved into her tour bus by now.

"Hey!" He smiles at her smiling face as she answers. "You look drunk."

"I-" Hiccup. "Am." Cassadee giggles, making Rian chuckle drunkenly. "Y-your laugh is very funny."

"My laugh is funny?" Cassadee can't help but laugh even louder at her drunken boyfriend. She tries to compose herself. "Anyway, how are you doing? How was the show?" Rian finally sits down on his bed, the room swaying too much for him to stand anymore.

"I-" Hic. "It was good. The best we've done in a while."

"That's great, babe."

"Yeah." Rian says, looking dazed, and then suddenly begins laughing out of nowhere. Cassadee looks confused on his screen. "M-me and Alex are OK again." Rian can barely talk through his laughter and inebriation but thankfully, Cassadee catches it. But it only serves to make her more confused.

"What do you mean?" She asks softly. "Were you guys fighting?" She is quite concerned now.

"Yeah, over the ring." Cassadee frowns.

"What about the ring? Do you not wanna hide it for him or something?" Rian's head starts to lull. He's falling asleep and Cassadee knows she isn't going to get much more out of her boyfriend so she makes a mental note to ask him about it again when he's sober. "Never mind." She smiles. "Go to sleep, Ri. Love you." She blows him a kiss and hangs up. Rian giggles like a schoolgirl, muttering that he loves her too, and then proceeding to fall backwards onto his bed, his face smushing uncomfortably into the pillows and his arm hanging over the edge. He drops his phone onto the floor as he falls asleep.

-

12th February 2015.

Over the past several months, the guys had been working diligently on Future Hearts, only taking breaks for one-off events. Getting wrapped up in the music was actually really good for Rian and Alex's friendship and things felt normal again. Rian still had his conflicting feelings but he tried to push them away for the sake of his and Alex's bond. He didn't want to lose that. But every time he saw that ring or he and Alex talked about the upcoming proposal, he felt that familiar gut-punch feeling all over again.

Currently the band were on tour with You Me At Six in the UK. Rian had really missed playing shows and it was good to get out to the fans again. But the night before, Alex had come into his bunk wanting some love and Rian just couldn't do it. The agreement they had, had with their partners was that they could only mess around on tour if it was purely sexual, and it no longer was for Rian at least.

But tonight, Alex had decided to try again and Rian just couldn't bring himself to push him away another time. And so here they are, in Rian's bunk, naked, Alex on top of Rian. The older man is kissing Rian's neck and grinding their cocks together, his big hand wrapped around both the men's lengths. Rian's moaning and fuck, has the drummer missed this. He forgot how good Alex was.

"Alex..." Rian breathes, his eyes closed and head thrown back, as the two of them cum together, making a mess of both Alex's hand and Rian's bunk. Alex groans as he rides out his orgasm, the sound still going straight to Rian's dick as his manhood begins to soften. Alex rolls off of Rian to lay next to him.

"I've fucking missed that." The singer breathes heavily, chuckling as he smiles at the ceiling, before turning to snuggle into his friend. "Shame it'll probably be the last time." Alex sighs. He loves Lisa and is so excited to propose to her but these times with Rian were fun, he couldn't lie. Rian feels anxiety rising in his chest at his lover's words. And this time, the feeling is just absolutely unbearable. His heart is aching. He has to say it. It's now or never, he thinks.

"Don't do it." Rian sighs, bracing himself for Alex's questions. He hasn't even looked at his friend yet. "Don't propose." Finally, Rian turns to meet Alex's brown eyes. Man, those eyes. Rian could swear his heart stops for a second every time he looks at them. Alex scoffs in disbelief.

"Rian, I'm proposing right after we go home. There's like a week left. It's a bit fucking late to bring up concerns."

"I know, but-"

"I'm proposing. That's that." Alex gets up, storming out of Rian's bunk and getting into his own, leaving the younger man with tears rolling down his cheeks. Alex can't understand what's gotten into Rian.

-

14th February 2015.

The boys have a show today. It's Valentine's Day and the last show of the tour so the girls are coming out. It's been two days since Rian tried to open up to Alex and the imminent proposal is honestly just making Rian wanna vomit with anxiety and despair around the whole situation. He finds himself wondering if he could get away with sneaking that stupid ring to a lake or river and just throwing it in, never to be seen again. Rian seriously never thought he could have such hateful revenge fantasies about anyone. But it's Alex. That man seems to just make him go utterly crazy these days. He finds himself wishing he'd never even fucked his friend in the first place all those years ago. He surmises that maybe sex is just a really powerful drug and maybe that's why he now has a crush on the man who, at one time, was honestly more like a brother to him. Whatever it is, he knows he is head over heels in love with Alex fucking Gaskarth. Fuck.

-

The girls get to the UK finally and the guys play an awesome last show. Rian is on cloud nine until he walks off stage and sees Alex and Lisa canoodling in the hallway next to the dressing room. Cassadee is there to see her boyfriend too but he's barely paid attention to her.

"Excuse me." Rian separates the two lovebirds almost aggressively, walking into the dressing room but slamming the door in Cassadee's face before she can follow him inside.

"What's up with him?" Rian hears Lisa mutter through the door as he flops onto the couch face-down, tears of frustration quickly filling his eyes.

"I think I know." Alex replies, sounding concerned and sympathetic towards his bandmate. The singer sighs a little. "Can you ladies give us a sec?"

"Sure, of course." Rian hears high heeled footsteps scuttling away and the door opening. He knows it's Alex and he turns to lie on his back, his arm over his face as he groans.

"What do you want?" Alex has a sympathetic look on his face as he closes the door quietly, sitting down and putting his hand on Rian's thigh ever-so-gently.

"I wanna know what's up with you, man." His thumb strokes Rian's thigh and fuck, Rian can literally feel his heart break at that. Rian sits up, finally looking at his friend. Alex gives him a reassuring smile and takes his hand, trying to comfort the drummer.

"OK." Rian sighs, bracing himself yet again, hoping that Alex lets him talk this time. It feels like it may actually be the right time now, and Lord knows he won't have the courage to do this a third time anyway. "OK. I tried to tell you the other night but you shut me down before I could." Alex tilts his head, confused. "Alex, I want you to know that your happiness is absolute for me and if you truly want to marry Lisa, then there's nothing I can do about that, I know. I don't even want to stop you if that's what you truly want, in fact. But I will kick myself for the rest of my life if I don't tell you this now. When you asked me to hold the ring for you almost a year ago, it felt like you had kicked me in the ribs and I couldn't figure out why. Until the next time we had sex, that is. As soon as I felt your lips on me, I knew." Rian grips his friend's hand tight, emphasising those last two words as much as he could. Alex is confused but he can feel Rian's pure, unadulterated emotion and it makes tears begin to fill his own eyes. He's hanging on every word that falls out of the younger man's mouth. Rian suddenly looks him directly in the eyes, putting a hand on his friend's cheek and wiping away the falling tears. Alex puts his hand over his best friend's hand that is now on his face. Why is Alex crying?, Rian thinks briefly before finishing his speech. "I love you, Gaskarth." Alex's eyes go wide, the taller man sitting bolt straight all of a sudden, searching Rian's face for some kind of confirmation. "Yes, in that way." Rian looks down at his lap, his eyes full-on flooding with tears by now. Alex is shocked. He pulls his best friend in for a hug, crying too. He doesn't feel the same way about Rian, and Rian knows it.

"Rian, I-"

"You love Lisa, I know. Alex, you don't need to explain. It's obvious that all of this was just sexual for you. It's OK." Alex doesn't know what to say. Rian's words are saying one thing but his tear-stained face is saying another.

"I'm sorry." Alex feels damn guilty. He wonders if maybe he could have led Rian on without realising it somehow.

"It's OK." The two friends hug again and they stay like that for a while, just crying into each other until both of their shirts are soaked.

-

18th February 2015.

The boys are at home once again. Rian knows that this is the day that Alex and Lisa are going to get engaged - of course she'll say yes - and he's been waiting anxiously on the text all day. Will Alex even text me?, He thinks. What if he worries it'll upset me? Rian knows he should be happy for his friends but he just can't manage it. He never truly thought he had a chance with Alex deep down, if he's honest. He always kind of knew their encounters were just about sex for the singer. Alex would never say Rian's name upon orgasm, for example - he'd just groan or grunt. Rian, on the other hand, always said Alex's name. It was always about being with Alex for him. He knew Alex wasn't the same though. But a boy could dream. Suddenly, Rian's phone pings and he looks away from the TV for a brief second to check it. Alex did text him. She said yes.

-

That evening, Cassadee gets in from shopping with some friends to find bags packed at the doorway. Confused and concerned, she begins searching and calling for Rian. She finds him simply sitting on the stairs, his head in his hands.

"What the hell is all this?" She asks, sitting next to her boyfriend. "I know you haven't got tour tomorrow." She nudges him, trying to get him to laugh. He looks seriously upset. He looks directly at her all of a sudden. He's been crying, she thinks.

"I'm leaving." Cassadee is stunned at this revelation.

"What the fuck?" She cries, anger starting to boil inside her. "What the fuck do you mean, you're leaving?!"

"I'm in love with someone else." Rian's voice is robotic and he's quick on the draw. He's definitely rehearsed this, Cassadee realises. "It's not fair to you." He gets up, trying not to look at her as he goes to the front door and picks up his bags. He can't be with her when he knows he'll never stop pining over Alex. He doesn't even feel like he's in love with her anymore, if he's honest. If he can't have Alex, he doesn't want anyone. "Bye, Cass." He says as he opens the door and leaves, leaving his now ex-girlfriend crying on the stairs of their home and calling after him. Rian doesn't know where he's gonna go but he'd just rather be alone right now.

-

20th March 2015.

The boys are at soundcheck, gearing up for their biggest show yet at Wembley Arena in the UK. Rian honestly feels good. Music always clears his head and just having his secret out there and thus, ridding himself of any guilt over it is enough for him. He doesn't feel like he's hurting anybody anymore at least, and he also no longer has to be scared of alone time with Alex for fear of what he might do. Everything is now on the table and the drummer is finding that just that fact alone can be so damn relieving, to be honest.

-

It's halfway through the soundcheck and Jack and Zack have decided to go out and get some snacks for the band and crew as everyone is pretty much starving at this point, leaving Alex and Rian alone on the stage, aside from Brian in his position on backing vocals of course. But Rian and Alex can really talk now and for that, Alex is really glad. Rian is getting off of his seat at the drumkit to go to the toilet when Alex interrupts him. He turns around, smiling a little at his friend and crush.

"What's up?" He says, looking into those enchanting brown eyes once again. He's mesmerised as always but this time, it finally doesn't hurt so bad.

"I have something to ask you..." Alex starts, taking a deep breath before going on to say the next part. "And it's OK if you say no, I can understand it's probably difficult for you. But you're my best friend and I really want you to be a part of this and-"

"What is it?" Rian wishes Alex would just spit it out already. He doesn't want his confession to change anything between the two of them. He doesn't want to be danced around. Alex breathes again, bracing himself to just say it.

"Will you be my best man?"