Fix Me, Fix You

"Welcome to the French Quarter in New Orleans, folks," the bus driver announced. "We have an hour and a half layover here. If you're continuing the ride with me, we'll meet back here at four o'clock. If you're transferring to another bus, please refer to the schedule inside the station for your departure time."

Jesse waited for all the other passengers to exit the bus before he stood to do the same. He slung his backpack over his shoulder, holding onto the strap, then made his way off the bus.

The bright sun made his head throb. His withdrawal symptoms had mostly subsided by then, but his headache and nausea refused to go away. The tinted bus windows had alleviated some of the tension from the natural lighting, but he was fully exposed now.

He stood aimlessly for a moment when he exited the bus, unsure of where to go. The other passengers were scattering, as if they knew exactly where they wanted to go in the city. He envied their certainty for so many different reasons.

He walked around to the other side of the bus, and that's when he saw it.

It was like someone had flipped on a light switch. People were everywhere. Happy people. Drunk people. People in costumes. People in formalwear. He could hear music, laughter, and chatter. He could smell Cajun food and dirty streets. The humidity was sticking to his skin like glue.

He adjusted his backpack on his shoulder, still clutching the strap, and continued walking deeper into the French Quarter.

He passed gift shops selling inappropriate t-shirts and obscure voodoo dolls, restaurants smelling of spices and seafood, and bars already full of inebriated tourists. Vendors lined the sidewalks selling overpriced paintings and handmade jewelry, and street performers played songs of jazz and blues to entertain the audiences gathered around them. The antique architecture of the buildings sent even more unique vibes through the streets, making New Orleans one of the most unique cities to experience.

Jesse walked through crowds of people as his tired, sober eyes searched for somewhere to go. It was an overwhelming change in scenery from his hometown. His heart pounded in his chest somewhat frantically as he made his way up some cement stairs to get away from the crowds yet continue exploring.

When he reached the stop of the stairs, he paused. He was standing on top of a boardwalk that overlooked the Mississippi River. The view took his breath away. The sun reflected off of the river as a beautiful steamboat slowly passed. A bridge could be seen in the distance, with many cars traveling in both directions. Kids were running around, people were talking, music was still playing, but it was quieter up there. It was peaceful.

He sat down on a bench next to him that overlooked the boardwalk, wanting to soak in the beauty and the peacefulness, something he hadn't experienced in quite a while.

His heart slowed to a normal rate. The blood in his veins warmed from the early- August heat. The slight breeze kept his skin at the perfect temperature. He wasn't sure if he had ever been that comfortable in his entire life.

He was suddenly very aware of himself, but he realized that no one else was. No one was paying any attention to him. Sure, people looked at him, but no one eyed him any certain way. He didn't stand out. He was blending in.

"Mom, look!" A young boy shouted as he pointed ahead of him. "The aquarium! Let's go!"

"Hold on," his mother dismissed as she snapped a picture of the river.

But Jesse's eyes followed to where the boy was pointing. A huge building stood off to his side, lined with glass windows from nearly top to bottom, with large letters that read "Audubon Aquarium of the Americas."

He watched as the boy dragged his reluctant mother by the hand toward the aquarium. He glanced at his watch. He still had over an hour left to kill.

So he stood and followed the boy and his mother to the aquarium.

~

Jesse stood alone in a long tunnel made of crystal clear glass that ran through a large tank of fish and sharks and stingrays and coral. The blue of the water reflected onto his face. It felt as if he were floating in an ocean with the sea animals, which he figured was the point of the tunnel, but it worked. He shoved his hands into his pockets, just watching the fish glide around him.

It was a calming and serene view, though he couldn't help but compare the blue color of the water to the blue color of the meth he helped Heisenberg create. It was astonishing how something so beautiful and peaceful reminded him of something so destructive and vile. But he was so traumatized by the last two years of his life that he expected ugly reminders like that from time to time.

He started to make his way through the glass barrier to go on to the next exhibit when he saw her.

She was laying flat on her back in the middle of the tunnel, staring at the marine life above her. He hadn't noticed her earlier.

Jesse cleared his throat gently in an attempt to grab her attention. She didn't budge.

"Uh," he looked around to see if there was anyone else in the tunnel he might've missed, but they were alone. "Yo, are you okay?"

The girl didn't respond. She didn't flinch or budge or make a sound.

He slowly walked closer to her. "Do you need help getting up or something?"

"Shh," she finally responded.

He rubbed the back of his neck. "What are you doing?"

"Having a midlife crisis," she answered honestly.

He eyed her for a second. She had vibrant blonde hair and bright green eyes. Her skin looked young and healthy. She didn't look a day over 25. "You don't look old enough to be having a midlife crisis."

"I'm having one anyway," she insisted.

A group of school kids, likely on a field trip, entered the opposite end of the tunnel. Their mouths dropped in awe at the sight and little gasps of astonishment echoed off the glass. Jesse couldn't help but smile at their adolescent amazement. He fully understood how they felt. The view made him feel the same way.

"Yo, you're about to get run over by a bunch of preteens," Jesse told the prone girl.

"Good," she replied.

Jesse sighed. He thought the girl was being a bit dramatic and putting on quite a performance, but he could relate to her in a way. After his life came crashing down around him numerous times, he had finally had enough and moved away to start over. It kind of felt like he was having a midlife crisis too.

Despite having done awful things in the past – in the recent past – he was a good person deep down. He wasn't proud of the life he had lived so far, but when he loved someone or something, he loved with his whole heart and mind and body. He felt like maybe it was time to show that side of him and only that side of him. He was washing his hands of his junkie lifestyle of fuck ups and wrongdoings. It was time for him to be his true self.

"Hey," Jesse whispered as he leaned down toward the girl. "There are more respectable ways to die than being trampled by sixth graders."

He held out his hand to help her up. She simply stared at him.

"I'm just saying," he explained with a shrug, still holding his hand out.

She raised her eyebrow at him. He had an odd charm. Though he looked a little tired and worn out, he was cute, no doubt, but she was more drawn to his personality. He was being nice and friendly, genuinely nice and friendly. He wasn't hitting on her or flirting – he was just being...kind. It made her feel at ease.

"If you say so," she sighed as she reached up, took his hand, and allowed him to help her to her feet.

When she was finally standing upright in front of him and he could see her face to face, his heart skipped a beat. She was stunning. Her bright green eyes popped against her light olive skin and soft blonde hair. She was wearing the slightest bit of makeup, but it complimented her girlish features perfectly – her cheekbones, her nose, her eyelashes. He couldn't stop staring at her.

The group of school kids hurried past them, oblivious to the fact that the girl had been laying on the ground only seconds before.

"So, Mr. Respectable, what do you think's the way to go then?" The girl questioned.

Jesse blinked and looked down, shoving his hands into his pockets as his mind instantly flooded with horrid flashbacks of the deaths he had witnessed. The unnecessary, vile, tragic deaths he'd witnessed and/or caused. The ear piercing sounds of gunshots, explosions, screams, and cries. The guilt crept up into his gut.

He sighed then stared up at the peaceful blue water in front of them. "I dunno..." He shrugged. "Somewhere quiet... No pain... And not at the hands of someone else."

Despite the fact that he was a total stranger, she could see agony in his eyes. She could tell his answer was authentic and stemmed from some sort of traumatic experience. Unfortunately, she understood that feeling all too well. It hit very close to home for her as well.

Judging by the pity on the girl's face, he could tell his answer made him vulnerable, as if all his feelings could be seen through his eyes.

"Ya know, not at the hands of twelve year olds," he added with a wink, trying to cover up his transparency.

She chuckled slightly at his comment. Again, he found himself unable to stop staring at her. Something about her was so different than any other girl he had been attracted to before. He could tell she was damaged, just like him, but she seemed so...pure. Again, something so beautiful reminded him of the vile blue drug. All he heard was how pure it was. All he could see was how pure she was.

"How's your midlife crisis?" He wondered.

She inhaled deeply then slowly exhaled. "Better... Thanks."

"Good," he replied as he smiled at her sweetly. Her heart fluttered. She stood there for a moment, just staring at him, wondering how a stranger made her heart flutter with a simple smile.

Before either could utter another word, her phone vibrated furiously in her pocket. She pulled it from her pocket and held it to her ear, breaking eye contact.

"Hello?" She answered.

Trying not to seem like he was eavesdropping, even though it was impossible to not hear her conversation, Jesse began watching the fish swimming past them through the blue water.

"Yes," the girl continued. "What's wrong? Is she okay?"

Jesse glanced at her for a moment, to gauge the panic on her face, then looked back at the fish.

"Okay, I'll be right there. Thank you," the girl ended the call then turned to Jesse. "I have to go pick up my niece from school..."

"Is she okay?" He wondered.

"Yeah, she's just not feeling well," she brushed it off. "But hey, thanks for saving me from death by sixth graders."

He laughed at her comment. Her heart fluttered again at the sight of his full-blown smile. He was a beautiful human being. Although she hated walking away from such an enigmatic and interesting guy, she knew he was better off not being sucked into her whirlwind of a life.

"You're very welcome," he responded. "Thanks for the company."

"Anytime." She waved slightly then walked away from him, out of the tunnel.

Jesse didn't want her to leave. For a few minutes, his life felt normal and calm, and he owed it to her. But after seeing all of his loved ones suffer or hurt or die because of him, he knew it would be wrong to not let her walk away from his destructive life.

~

The wind blew against Jesse's intense face as he glanced at his watch. It was 3:59. He had been checking the time every two minutes for the last fifteen minutes, but his feet hadn't move from his spot across the street from the bus. He had one minute to board the bus again to continue the rest of the way to Miami, but for some reason, his feet wouldn't move.

His feet were glued to the ground. He was frozen.

He watched as the last few passengers boarded the bus and the driver shut the doors. It was his last chance, but he still couldn't budge.

Something was holding him back, but he didn't know what. Something about New Orleans had a death grip on him. He didn't want to leave. A force was keeping him there, and he figured it was for a reason.

He watched as the bus began to move away and kept his eyes on it until it was out of his sight. He clutched the strap of his backpack tighter in his hand, officially stranded in New Orleans.

Miami can wait another day, right?