So Long
twenty-one.
Heart in her throat, Claire eventually forces herself to get dressed in a pair of dark-washed skinny jeans and a nice yet casual blouse, and to leave the guest room the next morning. Her hands shake with trepidation: Is Niall going to bring up what she did last night? If he does, she isn’t sure she can handle the embarrassment or the awkwardness. Voices come from the living room as she makes her way down the hall to the stairs. She recognises Rhiannon’s laughter, and the tension bleeds from her shoulders at the sound. At least Rhi can act as a buffer in case things are uncomfortable.
Niall smiles at Claire when she steps off the stairs, the same smile he’s always given her, and there is no indication that the kiss is on his mind. She breathes a sigh of relief; maybe he was drunk enough that the memory is lost for good. It does little to appease how foolish she feels, how utterly creepy it was for her to kiss him, but for now, it’s enough that she doesn’t want to throw herself off the nearest bridge. So she swallows the lump in her throat and vows to smother any feelings she has for him. She heads to the kitchen to grab some coffee, sidestepping any potential conversation that anybody might want to have.
It takes so much more effort than expected to not give into the urge to kiss Niall again, especially whenever his laughter lights up his face. Claire struggles almost desperately to ignore the stirrings of want that ripple through her as he chats animatedly with Mully and Louis; she’s thankful for Rhiannon’s presence - the other woman keeps her distracted from her thoughts with awful jokes and stories about the bakery she runs. Claire doesn’t think she’s laughed this hard at the antics of people she doesn’t know, but she has to admit that it’s incredibly helpful to prevent her from focusing too much on the torrent of feelings that wait for her attention... as long as she doesn’t look at Niall, anyway.
Unfortunately, Claire is very aware that things are stilted and awkward now between her and Niall. It doesn’t feel right to crack jokes or tease him like she did before; it’s even worse than after the whole New York situation, and that is the hardest thing about it. At least then there had been the chance to fix things - and they had, they managed to get over that uncomfortableness that loomed between them. This, though, this isn’t nearly as simple to fix. She tries to keep things the same, but all of her attempts fall flat, and she ends up crawling into bed at the end of each day wondering just how long she is going to have to deal with this before it becomes too much. And if she spends an hour scrolling through Craigslist and Roomi every night before she falls asleep, it is no one else’s business but hers.
Saturday arrives with a crash of thunder, and the sky splits as lightning forks across the heavy grey. Claire sighs and rolls onto her back. Her sleep had been awful, interrupted by things that slipped from her grasp the instant she woke. Tension grips her muscles tightly, and she frowns at the ache in her bones. The mattress is more comfortable than what she was used to, but it seems to have not mattered at all during the night. Another flash of lightning illuminates the gloom of her room. Claire reaches for her cell phone and groans when she sees it is barely five in the morning. Knowing she isn’t going to get back to sleep again, she shoves back the blankets, pads across her room to the door.
It isn’t until she’s halfway through making a cup of coffee that she feels the presence behind her. Her movements still, and she glances over her shoulder with bated breath. Mully raises a brow when their eyes meet, and Claire remembers belatedly that she hasn’t changed out of her pyjamas. She’s just glad she wore a pair of cotton shorts and a tank-top to bed instead of anything embarrassing. She forces a smile and turns back to her coffee cup. Her heart pounds in her throat as she joins him at the dining table, and he raises his cup in greeting. His voice startles her when he suddenly speaks.
“Is everything okay?”
“What do you mean?”
He shrugs and stares down into his mug, as if the coffee inside holds the answers to the universe. “You just seem... withdrawn, I suppose. Like there’s something on your mind that you don’t feel comfortable thinking or saying.”
“I’m, I’m okay. I promise. You’re right, there are some things I’m thinking about, but I’m all right.”
The fact that Mully has noticed and commented on her out-of-character behaviour after only being around her regularly for only a month is alarming, and Claire realises that she hasn’t done a good enough job hiding her confusion. He lets the subject drop, changing it to whether or not she’s excited about the upcoming recording session in a week, and she answers him albeit absentmindedly. She admires his sweet personality - she would have long given up on holding conversations with someone who participates about as much as a block of wood, but he persists. She wonders what it means, that he’s so invested in making her feel comfortable and included.
The question lingers on her mind all day, and Niall notices. How could he not when he has to constantly get her attention and repeat whatever he said while she was lost in her own thoughts? Claire is terrified he’ll ask about her distraction, though the fear is unfounded; he merely keeps their talks related to her job and the schedule. After dinner, he disappears up the stairs while Claire cleans up. The click of a door shutting sounds far too loud in the awkward silence of the house, and she reaches for her phone, sending a quick text to her brother to apologise for the lack of her in his life then, before she can think too much of it, sends one to Rhiannon asking if she wants to come over.
Light streams from under the door to the No-Longer-A-Mystery Room, and Claire hesitates but knocks anyway. The soft piano notes cut off abruptly, Niall calls out for her to enter. She pokes her head into the room and manipulates her lips into a semblance of a smile.
“Rhi is coming over, if that’s okay with you.”
“Of course. You know you don’t have to get permission, right? You live here, too.”
“Just wanted to be courteous is all. Do you need anything?”
“Nah, I think I’m okay. Try not to get too drunk tonight, please.”
“Yeah, I’ll leave that to you.”
The words are out before she can stop them, and Claire slaps a hand over her mouth as Niall’s eyes widen in surprise. She squeaks out a mortified I am so sorry then rushes from the room, not even bothering to make sure the door closes fully behind her. Her cheeks are burning with her embarrassment, and her blood roars in her ears. She can’t believe she said that. She has tried so hard to keep things light, away from the discomforting topics such as the night she took care of him while he was drunk, but here she is blurting out a comment like that.
Rhiannon’s voice calls out for her, echoes through the house, but Claire can’t speak. She’s still too upset with herself for saying what she did. She doesn’t look away from where her feet dangle over the edge of the pool, the water warping the shape of her toes, even when her friend drops to sit next to her. Rhiannon nudges her gently then peels off her shoes and socks, rolls up the hems of her jeans. Claire has no idea what to say, so she says nothing.
“So you’re awesome and all,” Rhiannon comments lightly after five minutes of quiet has gone by, “but I seriously doubt you invited me over so we could sit here in silence.”
“I’m in love with Niall.”
The words hang heavily in the air between them. Judging by the way Rhiannon closes her mouth with a clacking of her teeth and a sharp inhale, Claire knows that she’s startled the other woman. Crickets chirp in the grass, stars shine overhead, and she feels so insignificant right now. The weight of her emotions threaten to consume her, swallow her whole and refuse to show mercy as she drowns.
“Wow. So... you just came right out with that. Wow. Okay. Let’s unpack this.” She sighs and takes a drink from her water bottle. “How long have you felt like this?”
Claire sighs, hunching in on herself. “A few months, I think. It didn’t really hit me until the night you stayed after I moved in. I mean, there’s always been some attraction- have you seen him?” Rhiannon snorts to her left, and Claire lets her friend link their fingers together. Maybe having contact will help make it easier to get this confession out. “And his personality is so fucking amazing. Like, normally, someone acts like a total sweetheart in public, but they’re major assholes behind closed doors. That’s not him, though, and it’s refreshing. But the feelings have only gotten stronger, no matter what I do, and now that I’m living with him? There’s no hope in Hell of me fighting them and keeping them locked away.”
“Why do it? Why ignore the feelings instead of going with them?”
“He’s my boss, Rhi. We don’t have that kind of relationship.”
“You could. Don’t shake your head at me. You really could. You just gotta tell him.”
“Yeah, and lose my job because he doesn’t feel the same and things will be awkward as fuck.” Claire kicks her feet out a little, watching the waves ripple across the surface of the illuminated water. “I... I just have to learn to be okay with the friendship we have. It should be enough. So why isn’t it?”
“Dude -”
“Rhi, can you give me and Claire some privacy please?”
Niall smiles at Claire when she steps off the stairs, the same smile he’s always given her, and there is no indication that the kiss is on his mind. She breathes a sigh of relief; maybe he was drunk enough that the memory is lost for good. It does little to appease how foolish she feels, how utterly creepy it was for her to kiss him, but for now, it’s enough that she doesn’t want to throw herself off the nearest bridge. So she swallows the lump in her throat and vows to smother any feelings she has for him. She heads to the kitchen to grab some coffee, sidestepping any potential conversation that anybody might want to have.
It takes so much more effort than expected to not give into the urge to kiss Niall again, especially whenever his laughter lights up his face. Claire struggles almost desperately to ignore the stirrings of want that ripple through her as he chats animatedly with Mully and Louis; she’s thankful for Rhiannon’s presence - the other woman keeps her distracted from her thoughts with awful jokes and stories about the bakery she runs. Claire doesn’t think she’s laughed this hard at the antics of people she doesn’t know, but she has to admit that it’s incredibly helpful to prevent her from focusing too much on the torrent of feelings that wait for her attention... as long as she doesn’t look at Niall, anyway.
Unfortunately, Claire is very aware that things are stilted and awkward now between her and Niall. It doesn’t feel right to crack jokes or tease him like she did before; it’s even worse than after the whole New York situation, and that is the hardest thing about it. At least then there had been the chance to fix things - and they had, they managed to get over that uncomfortableness that loomed between them. This, though, this isn’t nearly as simple to fix. She tries to keep things the same, but all of her attempts fall flat, and she ends up crawling into bed at the end of each day wondering just how long she is going to have to deal with this before it becomes too much. And if she spends an hour scrolling through Craigslist and Roomi every night before she falls asleep, it is no one else’s business but hers.
Saturday arrives with a crash of thunder, and the sky splits as lightning forks across the heavy grey. Claire sighs and rolls onto her back. Her sleep had been awful, interrupted by things that slipped from her grasp the instant she woke. Tension grips her muscles tightly, and she frowns at the ache in her bones. The mattress is more comfortable than what she was used to, but it seems to have not mattered at all during the night. Another flash of lightning illuminates the gloom of her room. Claire reaches for her cell phone and groans when she sees it is barely five in the morning. Knowing she isn’t going to get back to sleep again, she shoves back the blankets, pads across her room to the door.
It isn’t until she’s halfway through making a cup of coffee that she feels the presence behind her. Her movements still, and she glances over her shoulder with bated breath. Mully raises a brow when their eyes meet, and Claire remembers belatedly that she hasn’t changed out of her pyjamas. She’s just glad she wore a pair of cotton shorts and a tank-top to bed instead of anything embarrassing. She forces a smile and turns back to her coffee cup. Her heart pounds in her throat as she joins him at the dining table, and he raises his cup in greeting. His voice startles her when he suddenly speaks.
“Is everything okay?”
“What do you mean?”
He shrugs and stares down into his mug, as if the coffee inside holds the answers to the universe. “You just seem... withdrawn, I suppose. Like there’s something on your mind that you don’t feel comfortable thinking or saying.”
“I’m, I’m okay. I promise. You’re right, there are some things I’m thinking about, but I’m all right.”
The fact that Mully has noticed and commented on her out-of-character behaviour after only being around her regularly for only a month is alarming, and Claire realises that she hasn’t done a good enough job hiding her confusion. He lets the subject drop, changing it to whether or not she’s excited about the upcoming recording session in a week, and she answers him albeit absentmindedly. She admires his sweet personality - she would have long given up on holding conversations with someone who participates about as much as a block of wood, but he persists. She wonders what it means, that he’s so invested in making her feel comfortable and included.
The question lingers on her mind all day, and Niall notices. How could he not when he has to constantly get her attention and repeat whatever he said while she was lost in her own thoughts? Claire is terrified he’ll ask about her distraction, though the fear is unfounded; he merely keeps their talks related to her job and the schedule. After dinner, he disappears up the stairs while Claire cleans up. The click of a door shutting sounds far too loud in the awkward silence of the house, and she reaches for her phone, sending a quick text to her brother to apologise for the lack of her in his life then, before she can think too much of it, sends one to Rhiannon asking if she wants to come over.
Light streams from under the door to the No-Longer-A-Mystery Room, and Claire hesitates but knocks anyway. The soft piano notes cut off abruptly, Niall calls out for her to enter. She pokes her head into the room and manipulates her lips into a semblance of a smile.
“Rhi is coming over, if that’s okay with you.”
“Of course. You know you don’t have to get permission, right? You live here, too.”
“Just wanted to be courteous is all. Do you need anything?”
“Nah, I think I’m okay. Try not to get too drunk tonight, please.”
“Yeah, I’ll leave that to you.”
The words are out before she can stop them, and Claire slaps a hand over her mouth as Niall’s eyes widen in surprise. She squeaks out a mortified I am so sorry then rushes from the room, not even bothering to make sure the door closes fully behind her. Her cheeks are burning with her embarrassment, and her blood roars in her ears. She can’t believe she said that. She has tried so hard to keep things light, away from the discomforting topics such as the night she took care of him while he was drunk, but here she is blurting out a comment like that.
Rhiannon’s voice calls out for her, echoes through the house, but Claire can’t speak. She’s still too upset with herself for saying what she did. She doesn’t look away from where her feet dangle over the edge of the pool, the water warping the shape of her toes, even when her friend drops to sit next to her. Rhiannon nudges her gently then peels off her shoes and socks, rolls up the hems of her jeans. Claire has no idea what to say, so she says nothing.
“So you’re awesome and all,” Rhiannon comments lightly after five minutes of quiet has gone by, “but I seriously doubt you invited me over so we could sit here in silence.”
“I’m in love with Niall.”
The words hang heavily in the air between them. Judging by the way Rhiannon closes her mouth with a clacking of her teeth and a sharp inhale, Claire knows that she’s startled the other woman. Crickets chirp in the grass, stars shine overhead, and she feels so insignificant right now. The weight of her emotions threaten to consume her, swallow her whole and refuse to show mercy as she drowns.
“Wow. So... you just came right out with that. Wow. Okay. Let’s unpack this.” She sighs and takes a drink from her water bottle. “How long have you felt like this?”
Claire sighs, hunching in on herself. “A few months, I think. It didn’t really hit me until the night you stayed after I moved in. I mean, there’s always been some attraction- have you seen him?” Rhiannon snorts to her left, and Claire lets her friend link their fingers together. Maybe having contact will help make it easier to get this confession out. “And his personality is so fucking amazing. Like, normally, someone acts like a total sweetheart in public, but they’re major assholes behind closed doors. That’s not him, though, and it’s refreshing. But the feelings have only gotten stronger, no matter what I do, and now that I’m living with him? There’s no hope in Hell of me fighting them and keeping them locked away.”
“Why do it? Why ignore the feelings instead of going with them?”
“He’s my boss, Rhi. We don’t have that kind of relationship.”
“You could. Don’t shake your head at me. You really could. You just gotta tell him.”
“Yeah, and lose my job because he doesn’t feel the same and things will be awkward as fuck.” Claire kicks her feet out a little, watching the waves ripple across the surface of the illuminated water. “I... I just have to learn to be okay with the friendship we have. It should be enough. So why isn’t it?”
“Dude -”
“Rhi, can you give me and Claire some privacy please?”