Thoughts
Monotoneous
What Happened to My Happiness?
I guess I should have warned you of my miserable being. How I get sad for almost no reason or very depressed all of a sudden due to my fears, low self-esteem, frustrations, self-hatred and, better yet, loathsomeness over the world and how my life is unfair. I guess I should have warned you of my difficult being. How I can become so unresponsive and dull.
Perhaps its best if there is a part between us so I don’t make you go through this. I am a parasite, all my pressures can be transmitted everywhere I go. I don’t want that for you; especially you. And it pains me how horrible I am that I cannot stop.
In a sense I want you to reach out to me. To be by mys side and make me happy while I make you happy. On the other hand, I just want to be alone in my solitude and suffering; I don’t want anyone to see me.
Am I supposed to always hide this part of me and only break down in the dark dead nights? Am I supposed to put a front for everyone around me, a fake and forced smile, a forced laugh, just to fool everyone that I am cheery and everything in me is fine and peachy? I don’t know. I don’t like to lie, I like to be blunt about everything. So I guess I’ll enjoy my sorrow, because it’s all that devours me and it’s all I feel.
I will be gone sooner or later.
“I have no intentions for anything,” he whispered. Tears swelled up like rain clouds in January. What is the meaning of life when his miseries take over him completely? When there is no meaning from his past, nothing useful in his present, and no hope for his future? Nothing. Nothing can ever guide him like he would guide himself before. Now it is all up to him, he is almost free from his educational prison and on his way into the Real World. Where does he go from here? Where does he stay? What should he do? Nothing seems promising—it all feels like a terrible dream. He has decided to twist his fate. And he is scared. He is very scared of chance but wants it with passion because he believes that having something different is more adventurous than a monotonous life. Yet, he feels miserable by this decision. He cannot smile and mean it; He cannot laugh and mean it; He is taking everyone around him for granted because his head revolves around the thought of Death. He has urges for suicide. He has found life to be pointless before—he still does!—so what about tomorrow? Will it ever change? He thinks it will never change even if he twists up his decision to change his monotoneous life. Although he likes the set up of his current life, this confusion about how he will enjoy it later has kept him in the dark where dark voices persuade me to become like them: cold, isolated, lonely, distant, angry, miserable, and lost. So far it seems reasonable because he feels like that already. So far he really doesn’t know what to do. Maybe he should stop worrying about what he should do; But if he does, he may not be here tomorrow.
I guess I should have warned you of my miserable being. How I get sad for almost no reason or very depressed all of a sudden due to my fears, low self-esteem, frustrations, self-hatred and, better yet, loathsomeness over the world and how my life is unfair. I guess I should have warned you of my difficult being. How I can become so unresponsive and dull.
Perhaps its best if there is a part between us so I don’t make you go through this. I am a parasite, all my pressures can be transmitted everywhere I go. I don’t want that for you; especially you. And it pains me how horrible I am that I cannot stop.
In a sense I want you to reach out to me. To be by mys side and make me happy while I make you happy. On the other hand, I just want to be alone in my solitude and suffering; I don’t want anyone to see me.
Am I supposed to always hide this part of me and only break down in the dark dead nights? Am I supposed to put a front for everyone around me, a fake and forced smile, a forced laugh, just to fool everyone that I am cheery and everything in me is fine and peachy? I don’t know. I don’t like to lie, I like to be blunt about everything. So I guess I’ll enjoy my sorrow, because it’s all that devours me and it’s all I feel.
I will be gone sooner or later.
“I have no intentions for anything,” he whispered. Tears swelled up like rain clouds in January. What is the meaning of life when his miseries take over him completely? When there is no meaning from his past, nothing useful in his present, and no hope for his future? Nothing. Nothing can ever guide him like he would guide himself before. Now it is all up to him, he is almost free from his educational prison and on his way into the Real World. Where does he go from here? Where does he stay? What should he do? Nothing seems promising—it all feels like a terrible dream. He has decided to twist his fate. And he is scared. He is very scared of chance but wants it with passion because he believes that having something different is more adventurous than a monotonous life. Yet, he feels miserable by this decision. He cannot smile and mean it; He cannot laugh and mean it; He is taking everyone around him for granted because his head revolves around the thought of Death. He has urges for suicide. He has found life to be pointless before—he still does!—so what about tomorrow? Will it ever change? He thinks it will never change even if he twists up his decision to change his monotoneous life. Although he likes the set up of his current life, this confusion about how he will enjoy it later has kept him in the dark where dark voices persuade me to become like them: cold, isolated, lonely, distant, angry, miserable, and lost. So far it seems reasonable because he feels like that already. So far he really doesn’t know what to do. Maybe he should stop worrying about what he should do; But if he does, he may not be here tomorrow.