You're Too Young to Worry

I was lying on my side looking at the picture of my little girl. I only got to see her twice today, once after I woke up from the coma and just before nine o clock. I was told I couldn’t hold her yet because of how I premature she was, and it might be a while before I hold her. But I was allowed to hold her tiny hand. I wanted to hug her so much, to hold her close but I wasn’t able to.

“Hey,” I looked up to see my little angel’s nurse, Annie. “I was sent to talk to you about serious thing.” She said in a deep voice trying to sound serious. She was lovely and full of energy; she’s already a friend with everyone. “Right the doctor wants to know will you want the little one to have your breast milk or do you want us to give her formula?”

“I want to try breast milk, if I’m allowed.” I told her and she nodded moving more into the room. “Can I ask you something? Since I was in the coma how did you, erm feed her?”

“Well we asked your aunt, Mrs. Berry, because she seemed the wisest to ask and is your adoptive mother, and she said she would have though you wanted the baby to have breast milk so we feed her with milk from the breast milk bank.” I frowned never evening hearing of it before. “It’s where mothers or women give breast milk encase the mother passed or was unwell. It’s like a blood bank. Any way do you know how to work the breast pump or do you need me to show you?”

“Nope I’ve read books on the all mighty pump. I think I can handle it.” She smiled and shook her head. “If I can’t I’ll get one of the nurses to page you and show me.” She shrugged, in a joking way. “Who’s with her now?”

“He says he’s her father.” My eyes went wide. How the hell did Nick find out? He doesn’t know anyone I know, and I’m on sick leave so no one at work would know. “He’s about yay high. Blondish hair, gorgeous hazel eyes? Seriously you don’t stop me I might actually steal him.” I frowned that didn’t sound like Nick at all. “He has a tattoo on his neck?”

“That’s not her father! That’s Johnny, who has a girlfriend called Lace.” I said to myself more than to her. “Don’t you dare let him put his name near the birth cert. Who else is with him?” I asked her as she sat on the end of the bed.

“Leanne? Or Lee?”

“Leana. I’ll kill her.” I growled as she laughed. I couldn’t believe she would go behind my back and let Johnny see her without me knowing. I know he cared but he could have a least come to me first. Or someone could have fucking told me. “I’ll kill him as well.”

“Right, while you plot your double murder could you express some milk for the baby, we don’t want the little thing to go hungry do we?” she asked and left the breast pump on the table beside the bed. “I’ll be back in an hour. And don’t worry I won’t let your secret slip.” She winked before leaving.

About five minutes after messing with the pump and half an hour after getting nearly three quarter full bottle. I left it on the table and sat back to rest. As much ‘sleep’ as you get in a coma I was wrecked.

The doctor had been talking to me about not remembering what I did a few hours before I fell. And I honestly couldn’t remember a thing. The last thing I remember doing was saying bye to Mandy in reception. It felt weird not knowing what happened just six days ago.

The door opened slowly and I frowned wondering who was behind it. Johnny peeked his head. “What are you doing?” I asked and he jumped slightly and clutched his chest. I smiled.

“Fucking hell give me a heart attack why don’t you?” he scowled coming inside and closing the door. “Listen I only came to see if you where okay. I saw your daughter earlier, she’s cute.” My heart swelled with pride as he talked about her. “Lee is with her now. Telling her not she’s not allowed to have a favourite auntie unless it’s her.” He smiled.

“And I’m guessing Jimmy has already tried to corrupt her about music and boys?” I laughed slightly. As much as women think c-sections are fine, they’re not because it’s as hard to laugh and sit up straight. “Why did you come up here so late?”

He shrugged. “Jimmy wanted to go talk to Jason, after he talked your daughter into drumming, while he was at mine and I thought hey haven’t seen the kid in a couple of days might as well see her. Then Lee just decided to come along.” He told me sitting down in the chair beside the bed. “So…” this was slightly awkward. I mean I haven’t talked to the guy in nearly two months. “Have you decided on a name for her yet?”

“No I though I had another while to choose but I guess not.” I said with a slightly laugh letting the conversation fall back into the awkward silence. We sat just looking around for a while; I was thinking Leana must have sent him here to keep me company or something to that effect.

“Hey Cat,” Annie called walking into the room. “Ah he’s the one I was telling you about earlier!” she pointed making Johnny blush a little. “The small and tall mad ones are with her now. Just came to pick up the milk.” She took the bottle of expressed milk from the table to look at it. “Right so no problems using the pump or anything? Nipples aren’t killing you or anything?”

“Nope they’re both good right now. And no problem with the pump worked easier than I though.” I smiled to her and could see Johnny squirming in the chair as we had a conversation over my nipples. “You working tomorrows night shift?”

“I am indeed my dear. I shall be seeing you then.” She told me taking the pump as well. “Someone else will get you to pump more in the morning. Night Cat, good night Johnny.” She winked at him and he blushed again as she closed the door.

“She scares me more than Jimmy.” He shuddered slightly.

“Ah c’mon Big Jim is way worse than her and you know it.” I giggled half heartily. “Do you think it’s my fault that I had her so early? I mean is it karma coming around to teach me a lesson because of how I grew up?”

He shook his head. “No, it’s not your fault. And karma isn’t biting you in the ass for doing drugs and shit. It wasn’t meant to happen, it was an accident you didn’t want anything to happen to her. None of us did. Hell even my parents have presents and shit for you guys. Everyone is concerned out you and the baby. We’re all one big family.” He told me and I tried to stop the tears but I couldn’t help it. “Oh hey don’t cry,” he jumped off his seat and hugged me. “None of this is your fault.”

“But I feel like a complete failure,” I wept into his shoulder. “If I wasn’t so stressed I wouldn’t have collapsed. And if that didn’t happen I wouldn’t have had my little girl twenty weeks early. If I -”

“Stop you can’t keep fucking telling yourself ‘if’ or ‘what if I didn’t’ it’s only gonna eat you up inside and what sort of a person would you be then? You wouldn’t be the fun loving Cat, you’d be depressed and a boring old hag to be around. What kinda kid needs that in their life? You know more than anyone else that it’s horrible having a depressed lonely parent.” He whispered to me softly. “So please don’t try to go back and fix anything because you can’t.” he pulled away and looked me in the eyes. “Promise me you won’t spend any part of your life saying ‘what if’?”

My lip quivered. “I promise.” I told him in a murmured voice. A small smile appeared on his face. Before I knew what was happening our heads were moving towards each other’s. “Should we be doing this?” I asked in a soft voice.

“No.” he said before his lips meet mine. His lips were gently kissing mine. We kept kissing for a couple of minutes, we broke a part and I rested my head on his shoulder as the tears still streamed down my face. “Everything will work out, I promise.”

It would have if someone hadn’t have been watching the entire time.

"Oh my, fucking. God!"