I'm Still a Little Crazy

"Oh no…nononono…this is fantastic." Sara squealed, twirling in circles and dropping to the bed.

"Pretty damn amazing, isn't it?" I said happily, walking around my room again.

"It's pretty much more than amazing. Hella lot better than your old house. Not that I didn't like your old room. There are quite a few secrets bottled up in that room, now aren't there?" she said slyly, making me giggle. She's such a goof sometimes, and the proof lies in the many years we've spent being best friends.

"I'm happy with leaving the walls the same color, so then I can just put up as many posters and whatever as I want to. But I really want to paint the trim of the window red." I said offhandedly, looking out onto the street below my apartment. I'd spent the entire afternoon in my room, and aside to the desk that was still piled high with university work and books, I'd cleaned decorated the entire room, walls and everything.

"We should go and do something now. You've been cooped up inside way too long." And with that, I was being pulled out of my master piece and into the closet, where I presumed I was to look for my roller blades. When the weather was nice, Sara and I loved to street skate, taking out our imaginary dogs, Princess Flamingo and Prince Frogglegs. Yes, its true. We had created fake invisible dogs for ourselves to yell at when we went out. We're just that cool.

"I only want to go out for a bit, Sara. I still have one last final before I'm done this semester."
I reminded her. Unlike myself, Sara's spent the past year working in a dance company as a trainer and performer. She's so lucky to have talent like that. I get to be granted stupid skills like studying and drawing and designing and writing. Who needs that? Well I guess I do, if I ever want to be a designer. But that's for later.

"Haha, loser!" I called behind me, reaching my hands up to the sky as I glided down a hill and onto the grass of Stanley Park. I was knocked off my feet when Sara purposely crashed into me.
We lay in the grass laughing for a while, and soon enough I had taken my skates off and tossed them beside me.

"Well, that's ok, since I like being a loser."

"Ya, I'll bet you do." I leaned my head back to look at her, but only got a glimpse of her hair.

"So…how was being left alone in a small dark house all night with Josh?" she finally asked after a minute of silence.

"Hah, I wondered when you would ask. Yes, I deffinatly owe you one for that." I said with a little sarcasm. "It wasn't that dark, either."

"Oh well, what went down?" Sara asked eagerly.

"Pretty much, we tossed around Bride quotes, hung around on the couch, and played video games." I said, my voice trailing off to leave a hint that there was probably more to it.
"Hmm…why am I not buying that that's all that happened? Cause you see, I had this all planned out. We would leave you while you were having fun, and then you would both find that you were destined for each other and find out that you were madly in love." Sara said gleefully. I rolled over and punched her in the arm, just hard enough.

"Ouch! Peyton!"

"You deserve it. You're talking bull, you know."

"Yeah, I know. But I tried."

"Well, whatever plans you had didn't completely fail, my sweet flamingo."

"OH?!" Sara said excitedly, looking at me.

"Slow down. We talked, and decided that it was time to get back to being real good friends again. Before shit happened…" I said, feeling a little bit of sadness as I said it.

"Oh, so am I going to be replaced by my very own brother as your very best friend now?"

"Shut up, you know you're my one and only lover." I said, smiling. Sara clapped her hands like the little girl that she really was, giving my a peck on the forehead.

"Yay me. Lets go home!" and with that, she stumbled up to her feet that were still stuck into the skates and raced away from me. I scrambled to pull on my skates and raced after her.

"What happens if you fail a final?"

"Please, don't say that. You'll scare me and I'll be jinxed and…yeah, just don't go there." I said with a shudder. Matt and I were sitting on the swingset in the park near the bus stop, waiting for a bus to take us downtown to go see a concert. I think the band was called Joseph's Crashing, but it may have been Animal Collective…all these indie bands just got mixed up together in my mind.

"I know you won't Pey, just wanted to know…and you've really got to let up on yourself. You've been overworked way too much lately, plus moving out of Mom and Dad's."

"Lucky you still get to live there." I taunt my younger brother mercifully with that all the time now, and he loathes me for it. He…dislikes our parents just as much as I do. Really, when he was 13 and I was 14 they sent us out trick-or-treating with the neighbor's fucking monster 6 year old. Possibly the worst night of my entire teenager life. Except for one.

"You like your new place still? Not too lonely without me?" Matt asked, trying to put a sappy look on his face. I could still tell he missed me though.

"I love it, Matty. You've got to come visit me, when I decide to let you." I said, pumping my legs higher on the swing. Matt stayed low on his swing though, examining his hands as if they were something new to him.

"I'll probably end up spending too much time over there Pey. Mom's been so bitchy lately."

"Precisely the reason I got outta there as fast as I could. Don't let it get to you too much though. You're almost done school, and after that you'll be free. I'm surprised by how long I stayed there, honestly." I said, laughing.

"You wouldn't have made it out on your own 6 months ago." Matt said quietly. I frowned, a little confused.

"How do you know? You barely payed any attention to me 6 months ago, you've been so busy with the boys."

"I can still tell, Peyton. You're my sister, and I do…did live with you. You were still hung up on Josh and highschool." He muttered.

"I…but…" I didn't even know how to react to that.

"It's true, you've matured in the past little while, and I don't know for sure or anything, but you've seemed to let go of all the drama from last year." Matt said, with even some compassion in his voice.

I stayed quiet for a moment, mulling over his words. He was pretty much dead on, even though I hadn't realized it til now. After the summer I had graduated, I was stuck in a hole that I'd built for myself since the previous year. But somehow, with some unknown force, I'd climbed my way out. Going to school and being with Sara had helped me focus on the future. Yet somehow, something inside me had changed my outlook on my life and I had really tried to change. But in the process, I had become shyer and more conservative.

"I think I changed a bit too much though, Matt."

"Why's that?"

"I'm not lively anymore. In highschool, or at least most of it, I was full of excitement and energy all the time. I feel so much shyer and quieter than I used to be. I don't really like it."

"Then find a way to bring back the old Peyton." He said simply. I stared at him, a bit incredulously.

"It's not that simple, Matt. I can't just decide to get up and go out being crazy and stupid all over again."

"No, I mean bring back the personality that went with all the parties and whatever other trouble you got yourself in. Sure, you drank too much and you probably made a fool of yourself a lot. Sure, you skipped school and lost some of our parents' respect. And sure, yes I'm gonna say it, you had sex with Josh…but those were immature decisions. But see, the girl who made those decisions was still an amazing person. So you've grown up, but that has nothing to do with closing away the person who always was full of things to say and do, who was always laughing, and who was always willing to listen to people."

I swear, my heart just about melted right there. Matt and I hadn't really been very close before, but him spilling like that was just what I needed to remind myself of how much I really do love him.

"Peyton is a goose!"

"Josh, you're so much more goose than I am."
"OH YEAH?!"

"YEAH!" I laughed, running past him. We had spent the last twenty minutes on the playground, acting like retarded little kids. It was quite fun. Part of my plan to bring the old me back…a strange plan none the less though.

So, I was runnning by Josh, waving my arms like a bird. Retarded little kids, right? And while I was running by, my hand slapped him in the back of the head, and hard. He clutched his head and fell over into the grass, moaning.

"Ohmygod!" I yelped, crouching down to Josh. He was laughing, of course.

"You ass, what did you go do that for?" he exclaimed, grinning at me.

"You called me a goose. And you're the bigger ass."

"You're right, my ass is bigger." He said, looking over his shoulder at his butt. I rolled my eyes, flopping down on the grass beside him, still laughing.

"Hey Peyton?"

"Hey Josh?"

"You are wonderful."

"Thank you, I've worked hard to become so."

"I admit it, you are better than I am…"

"Naw." I laughed, falling out of The Princess Bride mode. "You get to be a music guy."

"If we ever tour, I want you to come tour with us, ok?"

"Yeah, sure. Even though I'll probably kill myself."

"No you won't – you'll have me."

"And Sara?" I asked eagerly.

"Oh, I suppose she can come too." He said, smiling.

"Good." I said smugly.

We probably just lay there for at least 10 minutes, staring at the perfect clouds float by. There was only a few days of school left for me, but an entire month left for Josh, before he graduated. But today he was skipping, just to be hanging out with me.

I looked over at him, his eyes were shut tightly, as if he was wishing on his birthday candles. He's so adorable. I wonder why…

No. No thoughts like that, Peyton. We're friends. Don't put ideas in your head.

"Relax girl, turn down the lights…" he sang softly. I poked him in the ribs, and he opened his eyes to look at me and sat up, leaning back on his elbows. I sat up and took the same position.
"Hey Peyton, can I ask you something?" he said suddenly. I nodded.

"Can…would… can I kiss you?" he almost squeaked at the end of his sentence. I smiled in spite of myself, giving him a look of confusion, the pit of my stomach flipping over with a jumpy pang.

"Just to see…?" he said, looking really embarassed with himself, yet still pulling off his silly smile. I finished off the sentence in my head, and some how by some unknown force of nature, nodded my head.

That was all it took for Josh to quickly lean his face towards mine and connect our lips together. It was only one kiss, slow and... something I can't explain. I closed my eyes slowly, tilting my face down to break away. Unintentionally I smiled down at the grass, surprised by what he'd asked for still.

I was still holding my breath.

"…okay then." Josh said quietly. "I just…Pey-"

"Wanted to see what it would be like." I said, a little too confidently for the state that my head was in at that moment.

"Yeah. Just…because." I could feel his eyes on me, trying to see my face.

"I know." I said, looking up at him with a reassuring smile.

"Wanna go now?" he asked.

"Sure…I'm actually starving, though." I said, wondering if the ache in my stomach was hunger of still that strange nervous pang that settled there the second Josh said 'kiss'.

For some reason, I haven't totally self destructed yet.