Everything But Time is Running Out

Deadpan eyes. Outstretched arms. Shallow breaths. Am I soaring or plunging? Both feel blissful regardless. My lips try to form a smile as the darkness grows in weight.

But wait.

Something isn't right. Stinging? Pinching? Burning? This isn't according to plan. No pain involved, right? That was the deal. That was the compromise. Why isn't this feeling right?

I shift to stand but my legs aren't working. My chest feels a little too tight and why is the bath water so red? Oh God. What have I done? What is going on? I need help. I need to scream, but why can't I speak out?

I feel so drained, though. How I yearn to close my eyes. It diminishes the pain, the ghastly throbbing and prickling that circulates through my leg. And the darkness is so inviting. Why, I think I pursue it. I think I just might...



Hmm. I feel so... relaxed, so peaceful. Is this what makes my efforts worth it? I feel so free, so clear. The bliss is almost indescribable.

Hold up a second. No, no no no no no. The heat is becoming too much. Please turn the furnace off. Oh my God, the burning. Please. Please! I'm burning! I'm fucking burning! Help me! Anyone! I'm burning alive! Oh my God! Make it stop! Make it stop!! Make it stop!



"...ra..." Beep.

"...Kara..." Beep.

"Kara... -an... yo-... -ear me?" Beep.

"...-ello? Kara... Can... hear me?" Beep.

I felt consciousness grab a hold of me, but my eyes felt swollen. I can't feel my arms and there is a terrible throbbing fire radiating from my leg. I think I should try to speak.

"...Mmm... Yeasch..." Hmm. Nice try. Very intelligent and memorable first words from yours truly.

"Kara? Kara Lee? Can you hear me? Kara?"

Oh my God, yes I can hear you! Can't you hear my response?

"...Mmm... mm..." Augh! Why can't I form comprehensible words? Just say yes. A very simple word. Yes. You can do it.

"...es... Yes..." Bingo! Score one for coherence!

"Kara. My name is Dr. Evans. Can you open your eyes for me?"

Where am I? Of course I'm... Uh. Well, I was just... Where the fuck was I?

"No..." I defeatedly said. I tried once again to open my crusted eyes, to which I go to clean off. I immediately blink back tears as I'm met with very fucking luminescent lights. Jesus Christ, did I make it to Heaven after all?

"Kara. Do you know here you are? Do you remember anything from before?" Dr. Evans probed, but as I'm sure he's just trying to be helpful to both himself and myself, he comes off as annoying to me.

"No, where am I?" I ask, ignoring his questions. I look around to find that I'm in a hospital bed, hooked up to multiple IV bags of some shit I'm sure is helpful to me somehow and... is that a bag of blood flowing into my arm?

Following my gaze, Dr. Evans elaborates. "Kara, you've lost quite a bit of blood. You've been through quite a lot within the past 24 hours. Do you remember anything?"

God, does he ever give up? I just woke up for Christ's sake. But now that I think about it...

I reach down to remove the white, weighted blanket set on top of me and glance down at my leg, the source of the burning. There were bandages covering my left high. I go to remove them, but was prevented from doing so by a nurse of whom I neglected to notice standing nearby.

"Kara, do you remember how you got this injury?" Dr. Evans questioned again.

I closed my eyes to probe my memory when it all came back, flooding my mind, drowning my senses.

"Yes, yes, yes!" I whispered to myself as I packed my pipe full of wonderful green. Oh how I loved these moments.

Inhaling, I could immediately feel lighter as my lungs filled with delightful, delicious smoke.

"Step one down," I muttered, abandoning my tools; I (un?) fortunately would not be needing my pipe or my self-medicated weed anymore after tonight.

Prancing to the bathroom, slightly stumbling as I stood up, I was pleased and surprised that I had already started the bath and was almost finished filling it with hot, hot water. I mean, if you are going to take a bath, why not scorch all of your skin away? It's the best method there is out there.

If I had thought I was on cloud nine prior to entering the bath, boy was I definitely over the fucking moon afterward. My head was floating with the cloud of steam and my body was tingling with warm, dancing shivers. Goosebumps popped up as they kissed the water, accepting its heat as their own. I couldn't help but giggle. My chest felt as if waves were drifting through it. The sound of my laughter seemed light years away, but echoing inside my eardrums simultaneously. The sensation was euphoric. Step 2 concluded.

Oh, but I almost forgot about the third and final step.

My hand raised up, reaching toward the edge of the tub only to reveal a very shiny, very sharp, very gorgeous and delightful piece of steel. The grand finale of all finales. The final chapter to my story. The monumental glorious applause to the closing chorus. A little scratch drawn across the inner thigh as a token of entrance to the Promised Land and away we go!

But hold the phone. Something's not right. Am I not high enough? Did I not cut hard enough? Why is there all of this fire and fever and pain?

Oh shit.

I can feel my face drain of color as I'm pulled back into the present, my eyes staring back into the doctor's with realisation. I had tried to commit suicide.

And it didn't work.

I failed. Hard.