Like You Did Before

52: I See You

“Are you sure that you don’t mind having her for a little while?” Matilda asked as she stood in the doorway, watching as her mother lifted Lola’s nappy bag onto her shoulder. Adrienne had stayed the night. Despite Matilda’s best efforts to compose herself before she had walked in the door, her mother hadn’t even had to look at her to know that there was something wrong, and it had only taken one probing look for her to crack again, something which had led to her mother staying, even despite Matilda’s insistence that she didn’t have to. Once she had fallen into her mother’s comforting embrace, it had been difficult to get out of it.

Adrienne nodded as she wandered over to Lola, gently lifting her onto her hip. “I’m happy to” she mused “I love spending time with her, and if it helps to give you a little space, then that’s good too. Besides, you need some groceries and I need to check on your papa. We’ll only be a couple of hours” she added.

Matilda’s smile was tired, but grateful. “Have I told you lately that I love you?” she asked.

Adrienne laughed gently as she stepped towards the doorway, offering Matilda the chance to lean down and press a kiss to Lola’s cheek. “Be good for nana, OK?” she whispered softly.

“She always is” Adrienne mused.

Matilda smiled gently before she shuffled out of the way, watching her mother out of the front door. Hearing the click of it closing, she gently bumped her head against the door frame before she pushed off of it, shuffling towards the kitchen. She knew that she had to do something. She had to talk to Arthur, she had to talk to Iker too, but she couldn’t bring herself to make the calls.

She knew that she had to. What Naomi had told her, that part of the reason her relationship with Marcos hadn’t worked out was her relationship with Arthur, hadn’t come as a complete surprise, but after years of avoiding the truth, she knew that, if she had any chance of making things work out with Iker, she had to confront it. Iker had tried with Arthur, he had put aside his previous wariness to try and accommodate another important person in Matilda’s life, just because it meant a lot to her, but Arthur wasn’t prepared to make room and Matilda knew that she had to handle it, even if it did mean losing someone she had had in her life for as long she could remember. The more time she spent with Iker, the surer she got that her future was with him.

Padding towards the kettle, she flipped the switch on it before she leant against the kitchen island, listening to its soft rumbling.

“Matilda?”

Matilda turned slowly, her stare landing on Arthur who hovered in the doorway. “How...How did you get in here?” she stumbled out.

“Adrienne” Arthur replied quietly “She saw me outside and unlocked the door for me. I think she thought if I knocked, you’d not answer” he added, forcing out a laugh that lingered awkwardly in the air.

Matilda just stared at him for a few moments before she shook her head, her eyes diverting to the floor. “I can’t keep doing this, Arthur” she whispered.

“You never call me Arthur” Arthur tried to smile, but it fell flat almost instantly.

“I am not in love with you” Matilda’s voice was flat “I love you as my friend, but I am not in love with you. I am not going to be” she added.

“You’ve never thought about it” Arthur argued softly “How do you know?” he added.

“Arthur...”

“You’ve never looked at me like that, Mattie” Arthur cut in “You’ve never let yourself. You don’t see how good we’d be together. I could make you so happy if you’d just let me” he insisted.

Matilda shook her head, trying, and failing, to keep the tears from burning in her eyes. “I did let myself think about it” she whispered “After Marcos, before Simon. I...I thought about it, but it never felt right. You’re one of my favourite people, Art, but it isn’t like that. Not because of my boyfriends, but because the feelings aren’t there for me. I can’t make them appear, Art, and I hate that I’ve been hurting you for this long, but I am not going to do it any more” she added.

“Mattie...”

“I am so sorry” Matilda’s voice was just about audible as she tried to keep down a sob.

“Him?” Arthur asked.

Matilda didn’t hesitate, nodding her head.

Arthur flinched as though she had struck him.

“I am so sorry, Arthur” Matilda said softly “But I...I can’t keep being between the two of you. I can’t keep telling him that he doesn’t have to worry about you, when he clearly does. I can’t keep leading you on and hurting you. It isn’t fair to any of us. I have been selfish. I kept thinking I could...I could have the best of both worlds. I could have my friend, and my boyfriend, and that you’d all just fit together, but that was naive. I’ve been holding you back...”

“I’ve been holding me back” Arthur interrupted “I just hoped you’d see me, Mattie” he added.

Matilda sniffed, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “I see you, Art” she whispered “But it doesn’t change anything. You want more of me than I can give to you” she added.

Arthur went to reach for her, but Matilda shrunk back, shaking her head. “I can’t hurt you any more” she announced “I...I’d hate myself for it. it’s over, Art. Whatever we were, we can’t be any more. I am sorry” she added.

Arthur made another move towards her, but rethought it, taking a step back towards the doorway. “You can’t undo this” he said.

“I know” Matilda sniffed.

Arthur nodded his head stiffly. “I hope he’s worth all of this” he muttered.

“I hope you find someone who makes you happy, Art” Matilda said.

“You make me happy” Arthur replied “Always have” he added.

Matilda sniffled a little, but didn’t say anything, causing Arthur to sigh before he nodded and turned towards the door. Hesitating for a beat, he closed his eyes before he strode through the hall and the front door, pulling it closed with a dull thump. Matilda wilted when she heard the sound, the tears she had been weakly restraining falling out of her eyes with no hesitation, before she reached into her pocket. Fishing out her phone, she first went to Iker’s number, but she bypassed it, settling for Naomi’s instead. Dialling it with a shaky hand, she held the phone to her ear and waited, knowing that she needed time to grieve for her lost friendship before she tried to make amends with Iker.
♠ ♠ ♠
Thanks to Jayme112234 and Twisted;;Symphony for the comments :)