I'm Not An Emo!

There's so many things that people knower days don't like to talk about. War, Depression, teenage suicide, terrorist attacks, gang wars. And thats because they could all end in death, its a touchy subject that no one likes to talk about.

I myself know this, its hard for me like everyone else. For a long time i have been scared, scared of everyone around me dying. I've felt that i would be left alone with no friends, no family and no one who cared for me. Its a scary concept. I used to lie awake at night, crying my eyes out scared that i would go to sleep and not wake up in the morning, or be the only one who does.

I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone

The lyrics from a song by my favorite band, a band that has saved my life more then once. I'm lucky i found them when i did, because i was only a few months away from the depression I'm in now. I always feel like everyone is against me, that they hated me, that i was alone, no one cared.

Your not in this alone

Yet another lyric from this band. They have helped me through tough times, some people don't understand it, they call us pathetic for relying on a band to save us. But its not relying on them, we feel like we can't go on, and its a last ditch effort. It's not just the band, but there fans too. Most of the time just talking to someone who understands you can help, and these people do, because were all the same in the sense that were obviously messed up in one way or another, or outcasts and thats another reason we find Solis in this music, we fit in at there shows and make friends through the band.

At one point in our lives every one feels depressed, and a lot of people don't do anything about it they just hope it goes away by itself, and although music can't really cure depression it can guide you through it.

When i was a young boy, my father took me into the city, to see a marching band

These were the first lyrics i had heard of there music, at that point i couldn't stand them, i hated there music.

"God, turn this emo crap off." Yes, I'm guilty of using the dreaded 'E' word.

I didn't know much about this band, hell i thought that they were a new band that just appeared out of no where. My sister loved the song, i didn't. She was constantly playing it, and it annoyed me 'Who does that to there hair?' I know now that there is a story behind it, like most other things these guys do.

He said son when you grow up, would you be the Saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned

Not only did my family like this song, but all my friends did too. Constantly you would hear little groups of kids playing it on the mobiles, or it would be on every music channel. But the point where this all really began was on Friday the 22ND of March 2007.

"I really want that song on my phone." Complained my friend.

Being the type of person i am, I asked my mum if i could get the song from her mobile so that i could send it to my phone. Over the weekend i would skip the song whilst listening to music on my phone, and when the Monday came around my friend didn't turn up at school, in fact the next day she was at school was on Wednesday the 27Th of March, otherwise known as my birthday. She literally screamed when i played the song to her. Subconsciously i found myself mouthing along to the words.

"Oh my god, you like it now?" I just laughed and said no, although in the back of my mind i was wondering if i really did like this song. That night i was in one of those moods, you know the one where you can't be asked to do anything. I had just gotten back from my birthday party and was drained, listening to music off my phone. When i heard the haunting piano tune started up, i kind of groaned, but didn't turn it off. Instead i listened intently to the song, and when the fast guitar started i found my self getting off my bed and jumping around, this song that i hated so much had given me a sudden burst of energy. When the song finished, i sat back on my bed with a cheesy smile on my face, 'I like them' I thought. By this time they had released another single, which i started to like considerably quicker then the previous one. From then, things snowballed, fast.

Well if you wanted honesty thats all you had to say

My mum left an unfamiliar song on, she put the remote down onto her lap, obviously planning on leaving the channel on. Confused i asked her what was going on as i watched the girl standing amongst men in a full school uniform whereas the guys were in swimming trunks, perched on diving boards before diving in a pool.

"You remember that man with the bleached blond hair," She said.

"Its white," I corrected her with a smug grin on my face.

"whatever, well thats him," She was referring the the 'girl'.

My jaw dropped, no way. Thats was a girl, wasn't it? As i watched the video through i noticed through close ups that this dude was definitely not wearing nearly enough make-up to be a girl, and i almost fell from the sofa when i saw the band name at the end. It was them!

At some point between March the 31ST and April the 2ND, was a live show on Radio 1, this band was preforming at the Koko club in London. And since i decided i liked a few of there songs, i had to hear this. Throughout the whole show i recognized about 3 songs, but we tried hard to identify the names of others, from what my mum knew about them, yes my mum was a fan. Later that night i, got onto the BBC interactive channel and watched the show. The singers hair was black again, and he looked pretty damn hot. I watched the show over and over again, just absolutely loving what i was seeing, the crowed loved them. And hearing the little chant they had was adorable, the singers voice was even more so.

Over the next few months my liking the band grew, by July i had an obsession. They were playing download, and i had to hear it. Although i couldn't go to the festival, i lived literally down the road from castle donnington, and when the wind was right you could hear what was usually motorbike racing. But on this day i listened intently to the distant beat of there songs and all through the weekend i listened to the radio hearing interviews and some of the performances from there show. At that point i decided i needed there CD, well there latest one.

At some point between then and now is when the depression began, after the fuss over there number 1 had gone, it became uncool to like this band. And since i openly liked them, i became seriously uncool, my friends were abandoning me and i was labeled 'emo', a word which i once used to describe this band, was now being used on me for liking them. It was ironic really. To this day i still have this label attached to me, i can't get rid of it. People accuse me of cutting, something which i only did once, and not even properly.

Stress from the bullies at school, and my parents shouting at me was too much, i knew i wouldn't be able to cut myself properly, i was too much of a wimp, so i got a butter knife and dragged it across my wrists, all the way up my forearm. The cuts weren't so deep, they left marks like when you scrape your arm on a wall and you get the white marks with little bits of blood in, i did that twice before deciding not to do it anymore.

I know what your getting from this, your probably thinking

'Well this is all bad, i thought that these people were life savers'

Well they are, that was the downfall. A couple of weeks into year 9 i was sat in my maths class, pretty pissed off that i had been separated from my friend who had been put in a different set.

"And he's so hot, my god you wouldn't believe it. Gerard Way is the fucking sex."

My ears pricked at the mention of his name, another fan?

"Did you know he was 30?" I piped up, much to the relief of the girl listening to what she was saying.

"Really? I don't think i like him anymore."

We both giggled. Thats how i met the first friend i made through this band, she is still my friend now. I've also met many others, not just at my school but all around the world, the fans are such nice people, they listen and are just fun to talk to. But another thing, more serious and recent. In fact just before the tragic news of the suicide of Hannah Bond first came around in September 2007, before i even knew i had depression, i sat on my window ledge, i wanted to jump. I knew it wouldn't kill me because i was only on the second floor, but maybe if i leaned forwards and landed on my head? I knew this band saved lives, but i didn't think they would save mine. I looked around the culde-sack, just as the music began on the T.V, ironic it was the first song i had ever heard by them. I cracked a smile as i decided to listen to it, one line really caught me.

We'll carry on, we'll carry on

I broke down in tears, i finally got it. It took me so long but i got it, i climbed back into the room and curled up on my bed, putting the CD into the player and listening to it through. I don't know how it worked but listening to it, really made me feel better, i understood the lyrics more and got different meanings from them then i usually did. It saved my life

Late September 2007 13-year-old Hannah Bond was found by her mother hanging from her bunk bed by a tie, just an hour after an argument with her mother which ended with Hannah telling her mother 'I feel like killing myself.' Although this happened in the September, it wasn't until May the next year things kicked off. British news papers like, 'The daily mail' and 'The sun' began pinning the blame on this band, telling parents to burn there children's CD's, because 'no child is safe from the sinister death cult of emo'. I first read the article on the Daily mail site after getting a google alert through, the next day my mum showed me it in The sun, that kicked off a huge fight where i found my mum thought i needed mental help. My sister believed that the band were guilty, which was like a kick in the face, i never actually read The daily mail article in the paper. The next day i took the page from The sun into school, it was the week that i was taking my year 9 Sat's so it was already pretty hectic, and i showed people it, a few just laughed and called me and emo fucker telling me to slit my wrists and cry, but i got quite a few names down on what i was calling 'The mob' during the hour and a half lunch time i got 25 signatures, not a lot, but if you think about it I'm just one person. And made another new friend, she was a new girl but wanted to help me with this. That night we set up a bebo, and since then we gained over 100 members, again not a lot, but we worked for it.

A week later i heard about a protest in London, the fans were kicking back at 'The daily mail' I begged my mum, and friends, i needed to go, but the day before it happened no one came through. On Saturday the 31ST of May 2008 they protested, and even though i couldn't be there and, I'll admit it i cried, they were successful, it was everywhere, they did an amazing job. And contrary to popular opinion the pretest was not defending the emo genre, it was defending the band. Emo had nothing to do with it, most of the kids there hated the emo label. The daily mail released a statement saying that there article was 'balanced and in the public interest' which it no where near was, they didn't do there research, they made stupid mistakes and who the hell ever said 'The black parade is where emos believe they go when they die'?

And right now as i write this i got another google alert through, guess what. Another teenage 'emo' has killed them self, again by hanging. At least this time there not blaming the band, but they did mention the statement they released after the whole Hannah thing kicked off, even if they are, for some reason, saying they defending emo, which there not. This boy liked them too, and I'm hoping this doesn't kick off.

I'm still suffering from depression, and probably will for a while, whose to say i will ever get over it. But for now, i know, no matter how hard things are at school or at home, if I'm feeling upset i can use the music or fans of this band, we look out for eachother. Were like a family.

This is a real life account, by a true MCR fan that can really say 'MCR saved my life' What The daily mail printed was a load of crap, and not only was it making things bad for the band, but it was for us, the fans too. We had to suffer parents accusing us of cutting and making sure were not trying to kill ourselves. But we never where like that, some of us may have come close to suicide, but were all here now. And thats all that really matters, isn't it?