Crush Culture

“Knock, knock.”

I looked up from my phone to see Jason leaning against the doorway. He tiredly stared in my direction as he flipped through the pages attached to his clipboard. “We, uh, hit a bit of the snag in the production line, so we're gonna' be out a couple hundred cans, but other than that the damage was minimal.” He glanced at his watch and sighed. “You're still here?”

I nodded.

“It's been like ten hours, Lor.”

“Shh.” I bought my finger up to my lips and leaned back in my chair. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“You were supposed to leave like two hours ago.”

“I know.”

“Okay, so, get going then.”

“But Rich asked m-”

“For fuck sakes, Lor, no.” Jason stomped over to my chair. He wiggled it violently, causing me to almost fall off. He smirked and rested his hand on my shoulder. “I know you don't want to go, but it would mean a lot to Kevin.”

I rolled my eyes and let out a long, angry sigh. I knew he was right. “Fine, fine. Whatever.” I stood up from my chair and rubbed my eyes. It was nearly five and the rehearsal was supposed to start then, which meant I was definitely going to be late. I grabbed my bag and coat off the hanger on the left side of the room and walked to the doorway. “Hey uh, Jason, could you, uh, make sure everything runs s-”

“Yes, yes,” he groaned, “now shut up and go already.”

I nodded and rushed out of the warehouse to my car. I threw my stuff on the passenger's side and started it up. Without even looking I swiftly backed out of my spot and changed gears before quickly driving out of the lot and merging onto the highway. I gripped the steering wheel tightly as I changed lanes in preparation to take the next exit. The venue was around a twenty minute drive from here, which meant if I drove fast enough I'd only be a little late.

Suddenly, my phone erupted in chorus of sounds and vibrations. I pulled it out of my back pocket and narrowed my eyes at the screen. It was Kevin. I sighed deeply and put it on speaker, resting it on the dash. “Uh, hey Kev, what's up?”

“Where are you?” He was mad, which was to be expected.

“I'm on my way. We had an outage at work I had to deal with. I'm sorry.”

“No you're not.”

I swallowed hard. It was true. I wasn't sorry. Not in the slightest. Honestly, if it were up to me I wouldn't have even accepted the invitation. I hated hanging out with my family more than anything.

“The wedding is tomorrow and I haven't heard from you in weeks.” He breathed heavily. “Just once can you do something nice for me and just pretend like you care?”

I swallowed hard.

“Mom and Dad are literally breathing down my fucking neck waiting for you to show up like this shit is about you. Well, it's not. Not this time.”

“Kevin, look,” I bit my bottom lip, trying to arrange my thoughts before speaking, “I love you, you're a good brother, but Mom and Dad are fucking psychos and dealing with them is hard for me. The fact that I'm even coming is a miracle. I understand why you're mad. I really do. I would be too if I were in your shoes, but please, just this once, don't end the night hating me. I want to be there for you and for Penelope.” I took a couple of deep breaths, waiting for him to say something.

He was silent for a while. The background noise on his end of the call took over. I could hear people chatting with one another, laughter, and relaxing music.

“Kev?”

“Yeah, yeah, I'm here. Sorry. Dad's drinking again.” I could almost hear his eyes roll.

I sighed. “I'll be there soon, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I'm sorry.”

He hung up the phone without another word. I groaned and grabbed my phone. I opened Spotify and started playing a random playlist I'd made sometime last week and just continued driving. The sounds of the music calmed me instantly as I stared at the road ahead.

So badly I wished I could be like Kevin. He was a way better person than me. Often times whenever I was around him I felt jealous. He had this amazing life. He was a university graduate with an amazing job that was both challenging and fulfilling. He had a ton of friends, both on and offline who he was always in contact with. He had Penelope now too, who, after a bit of a rough patch, was now going to be his wife. Plus, Mom and Dad were actually proud of him.

I had none of that stuff. Nothing in my life made me feel good. I went to school, only to drop out half way through because I got too depressed. I got a job that I loved in the beginning, until I got promoted. My only friend was Jason, if you could even call him that. And romance was something that was completely off the table, mostly due to the fact that I didn't want to end up like my parents.

“Fuck.” Every time I was forced to see my parents my brain always reverted back to comparing myself to Kevin, which I hated. I hated that I couldn't just be happy for him. That there had to be this toxic energy behind everything. I couldn't go a single moment without thinking about how I could get better, be better. I wanted to prove my worth. Not only to him, but to Mom and Dad, who despite all the shit they put me through, I still cared about.

After exiting off the highway I made a couple of left and right turns before arriving downtown. I was getting closer. I brushed my hair behind my ears as I glanced on either side of the street, trying to find the address. The rehearsal was in this swanky hotel right in the center of the city. Our parents paid for the whole thing, which was a surprise to no one, because Kevin always got the best.

When I found the address I pulled into the front. There was a valet who motioned me forward. I followed his directions, stopping where I was told too. I grabbed my stuff from the seat next to me and jumped out of the car, throwing him the keys. I thanked him and we flashed each other a smile as I quickly ran into the building.

I ran to the front desk. “Hey, uh is there a bathroom near around here?”

The lady raised her brow at me. “Uh, bathrooms are for gu-”

“Oh, shit, right, uh, I'm with the Lynch's. I'm their daughter.”

She instantly perked up, flashing me a grin as she directed me to the bathroom without further questions. I thanked her, despite my better judgment telling me not to. I booked it to the bathroom to change into my dress, hurling myself into the nearest stall. I ripped off my grungy work clothes and threw my dress over my head. I then reached into my bag and grabbed a pair of heels; kicking off my sneakers and socks before slipping them on. I felt my feet instantly throb. I sighed deeply and shoved all my dirty clothes into my bag.

I threw open the stall door and ran back to the front desk after realizing I forgot to ask where to go next. The woman pointed towards a large set of doors straight across the room. I briskly walked towards them, opening them quietly. Once inside, I glanced around the room. There were probably a little over thirty people inside. Most of them standing in groups, talking among themselves. I let out a sigh of relief. Dinner hadn't started yet.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Dad instantly stood in front of me, a glass of gin and tonic wrapped tightly in his grasp. His brows furrowed intensely as he narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. He was the grumpiest man I'd ever seen and he was like that at all times.

I rolled my eyes. “I was working. Not all of us have the privilege of retirement.”

He snorted angrily. “Don't give me that attitude. Today is an important d-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” I brushed past him without another word. I knew if I stuck around him for too long I'd blow up and Kevin would get even more furious with me.

I made a b-line for the bar. If I was going to survive tonight I was going to have to be intoxicated. My affinity for alcohol definitely came from my father's genes. I couldn't survive without it most days, which was why it was my job to produce it.

“Can I get just get whatever beer you recommend?”

The bartender grabbed a bottle, opened it, then handed it to me. I thanked him and chugged about the half the bottle right at the counter. I let out a sigh, smiling slightly. That was exactly what I needed.

“The Lynch's daughter I presume?” The bartender raised his eyebrow at me as he cleaned a glass.

“Yup,” I took another sip, “was Dad over here complaining to you?”

“Unfortunately.” He rolled his eyes.

“Well, sorry for him. Make sure to cut him off pretty early in the night. He's gets to be quite the angry drunk when he has a few too many.” I flashed the bartender a small smirk before moving towards the dinner tables where people began to gather. I glanced around, trying to find my seat.

“I'm glad you decided to show up.” I turned to face Kevin, who looked a lot less angry than I thought he would. He smiled slightly, pulling me in for a tight hug. “I'm sorry about yelling at you over the phone. I know this is hard.”

I hugged him back. “It's okay. Dad already did his thing and I warned the bartender, so the night can go on a little bit more peacefully now.” I pulled away. “Where's my seat?”

“Uh, well, okay, please don't get mad.”

I narrowed my eyes.

“I figured you wouldn't want to sit with Mom and Dad and they're sitting with me, so I kind of sat you next to Penelope's friends instead.”

I rolled my eyes. The idea of socializing with people made me want to die. I mean, being next to my parents was definitely significantly worse, but this was a close second on the worst seating arrangements possible. “Is it like that for the wedding too?”

Kevin nodded. “Look, they're very nice. They all work with us, so they're friendly and kind of know who you are. I filled them in.”

“Are they going to like, profile me and shit?”

“Yes, no, I mean,” he breathed deeply, “probably, but I promise they'll keep it to themselves.”

“Whatever.”

He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in for another hug. “You'll have lots of fun, I swear. Maybe not tonight as it's more of a get to know you thing for everyone, but tomorrow will be awesome.”

“Okay. Just take me to my seat. Let's get this shit over with.”

“That's the spirit.” He led me to one of the tables closest to his. It had seven seats. All of which were currently empty. I gave him another quick hug before throwing my stuff on my seat and ditching him to go back to the bar. I drank the rest of my beer before getting to the counter where I switched the empty for a brand new one.

I could tell it was going to be a long night just from the amount of emotions I was already feeling. My brain ran a hundred miles a minute as it tried to keep up with everything else that was going on. I glanced around the room, noticing the vast amount of people I didn't recognized. I figured it was mostly friends of the bride and groom. They were both very social people, unlike me.

“Loretta?”

I turned around to face Mom who looked like she was about to cry. Unlike Dad she used guilt rather than anger to attack me. Most of the time when we interacted it was just her talking about how much she missed me and how I was a horrible daughter for not visiting more often. This to me was worse than Dad's aggressive outbursts, because most of the stuff she said was undeniably true.

“Hey Mom.”

She pulled me in for a tight hug, which I returned lazily. When we separated she sipped her wine and gave me her classic side eye. “Where have you been for the last six months? You haven't even called.”

“Yeah, well, it's not like you guys call me either?” I sipped my beer and stared out at the various groups of people forming. I noticed at the corner of my eye a couple people from my table had sat down were talking to one another.

“Well your father and I are very busy with the-”

“I'm also busy.” I cut her off.

“Yes, b-”

“Hey, we should sit down. Dinner is going to start soon.” I flashed a very large and very fake smile before moving towards my table without saying another word. I didn't even bother looking back either, instead I bolted towards my seat and awkwardly threw my stuff on the floor and sat down. I didn't even bother making eye contact with anyone. I stared at the table, sipping my beer silently.

“Uh, hey, you're Loretta, right?”

I glanced at the tall, dark skinned man sitting next to me. I stopped breathing the second we made eye contact. His piercing eyes and muscular stature definitely made him a sight for sore eyes.

“Ah, y-yeah, that's me.”

He reached his hand out from under the table and handed it to me, flashing a big, perfect smile. “I'm Derek Morgan. Best friend of the bride.”

I took his hand shakily, giving it a small squeeze as I nodded. “You can just call me Lor. I'm Kev's sister.”

“How come you aren't up there with him?” He raised his brow as he released my grasp.

I took a long sip of beer before answering. “My parents and I aren't really on good terms.”

“Oh, I see.” He nodded. “Well, this table is definitely much more exciting anyways.” He motioned towards the rest of the people sitting at the table who all stared in my direction. One by one he introduced me to each person. I felt my face grow hot the longer I sat, awkwardly nodding and smiling at each one. Once the intros were over everyone began talking to whoever was next to them, leaving Derek and I to sit in silence.

“So, uh, you work with Penelope?” I wasn't sure what to say at this point.

“Yeah. It's been nearly thirteen years now, I think.” He chuckled. “Time flies while you're having fun, I guess.”

“She is pretty fun.” Despite all the bad blood between my family and I, I loved Penelope like a sister already. She was the perfect fit for Kevin and somehow my parents loved her, despite her loud, rough around the edges personality. I remember the first day she met my family Kevin called me from the bathroom freaking out. He was so scared they were going to hate her. Somehow she wooed the pants off them though, which at the time we were surprised about. Knowing her now though, it just made sense. Penelope could could charm the pants off of anybody.

Derek and I spoke for a couple more minutes before the speeches began. It started off with my parents and slowly moved onto Penelope's friend from school before the mic was handed off to Derek who stood from his seat. He gave a beautiful speech about loyalty and bravery and how proud he was of the two of them. A lot of the stuff he was talking about went over my head, seeing as I didn't work with them and Kevin and I's relationship was typically pretty surface level. About half way through I could feel my anxiety bubbling up. Everything Derek said felt like a blur. I couldn't make it out and for some odd reason that really hit me hard. At that moment I realized that I barely knew anything about my brother.

I could feel my chest grow heavier with each breath and my eyes begin to well up. I glanced around the room. I knew everyone was staring at Derek, but it didn't feel like that. Having to sit next to him made me panic more. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes and tried to focus on anything, but this moment. I gripped the fabric of my dress and counted to ten over and over again in my head, but all I could imagine was the faces of people staring at me. I breathed and breathed until Derek stopped talking and the applause roared across the room. My eyes shot open as everyone began talking among themselves once again. I reached for my beer and downed it before grabbing my phone out of my purse and calmly leaving the room followed by the hotel.

I stood outside, my arms crossed over my chest as I stared at my phone. I had no calls no messages no friends to rely on. I was completely alone with my thoughts and I hated it. I rubbed my face violently with my hand, trying to get rid of the tears forming in my eyes, but it didn't work. I felt a sob bubble up from the depths of my throat and the next thing I knew I was hysterically crying. I walked towards the valet from earlier. Without hesitation he handed me my keys and pointed me in the direction of my car. I ran towards it. Once there, I unlocked the trunk and grabbed a beer from the cooler I always kept inside. Like Dad, alcohol was my coping mechanism, which meant I always needed a special stash just in case.

I closed the trunk and sat in the drivers seat. I grabbed a bottle opener from my glove box and pried the beer open, watching the cap fall somewhere in between the seats. I cried violently and pressed my forehead against the steering wheel. My horn went off, causing me to jump backwards, smashing my head against the back of the seat. I let out a shaky sigh and brought the beer to my lips, throwing my head back.

A figure walked towards my window, knocking it a couple of times with his knuckle. I stared down at the floor, knowing I'd been busted by the hotel staff. I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds, before rolling down my window. “Look, I'm s-”

“Hey, are you okay?”

I glanced up at the person standing next to my car. He was a tall, lanky guy with light brown hair that grew just past his ears in thick waves. His skin was pale and sickly looking and the facial hair he grew was sparse and unkempt. Overall, he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.

“Uh, um...” I cleared my throat and awkwardly placed my beer in the cup holder next to me. Hoping he wouldn't notice.

“Sorry if I startled you. I just saw you crying and you honked your horn and uh...”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and breathed deeply. “I'm fine. Sorry if I scared you.” I tried to flash him a smile, but instead just started crying again.

“You don't seem alright.” He stated. “Do you need anything?”

Without thinking I grabbed my beer from the cup holder and took another sip. I could see the look of disappointment in his eyes as I did it. I didn't care though. I didn't even know this guy.

He stood in silence, looking me up and down for a couple of seconds. “Do you need me to call you a cab or something? Maybe drive you home?”

I rolled my eyes. “I'm not going to let some crazy guy I don't know drive me home.”

“I'm not some crazy guy,” he half chuckled, “I work for the Behavioural Analysis Unit, so, uh, I'd say I'm pretty trust worthy.”

I blinked a couple of times before realizing what he'd just said. He worked with Kevin, which meant he was probably here for the rehearsal too. I widened my eyes in his direction. I wanted to die. “You work with Kev?”

“I mean, sort of. He helps us from time to t-” he stopped for a second. “Wait, were you just at...?”

I nodded. “I'm Kevin's sister.”

“Oh.” He frowned.

I figured Kevin really meant what he said when he told me he filled everyone in. They probably already knew about how I was at these things. How often times I barely made it through the whole night without storming out and falling off the face of the earth. The last time we had a family get together was Christmas two years ago. It was around then that things between Penelope and Kevin were getting serious again. I remember they had a huge falling out and that year they'd talked things through and decided to try things out again. My parents invited everyone for dinner. I almost didn't go, but like I said, Penelope was a charmer. She told me everything would be fine and I believed her. Half way through the night my parents started lecturing me about my job and how it wasn't something a woman should be doing. I remember feeling so numb to their words. I drank until I basically couldn't even function and then left the property. The next morning I woke up in Jason's bed. To this day I still don't know how I got there or what happened.

“You should go inside. They're probably looking for you.” I played with my thumbnail awkwardly.

“Only if you promise to let me get you home safe.”

I rolled my eyes. I knew there was no way I was going to get rid of this guy without doing what he said. “Fine.” I grabbed my beer from the cup holder and motioned him to move. I slid out and stood next to him. He was at least half a foot taller than me. I brushed past him awkwardly and walked to the passenger side. I threw my stuff into the back and sat down, throwing on my seat belt. I held my beer tightly to my chest, sipping it slowly.

He got in the driver's seat and he too put on his seat belt. He started the car and slowly backed up, glancing at the various mirrors surrounding the inner and outer parts of the car. He handed me his phone. “Put your address in.”

I did as I was told and then handed it back to him. He took a quick look before speeding off out of the lot and onto the road. He let out a long sigh. “You know it's illegal to have open alcohol in the car, right?”

“I'm not an idiot.” I retorted. I downed the rest of it before chucking the empty bottle on the floor. “Now it's empty.”

He merely sighed again.

We spent most of the car ride sitting in silence, which I was definitely thankful for. After tonight I felt completely overstimulated. All I wanted to do was sit at home alone and listen to music and cry. Around the half way mark though my phone starting ringing again. I closed my eyes, trying my hardest to ignore it, but it just kept going.

“It might be important.” He said.

I shot him a grumpy look before reaching into the bag and grabbing it. It was Penelope. I bit my bottom lip and answered without saying a word.

“Lor, are you okay? We saw you leave. I'm sorry if your parents said anything. Kevin is freaking out right now. He just needs to know you're okay.”

“I'm fine.” I said quietly.

“Where are you?” She sounded worried, which was to be expected.

“On my way home.”

“You're not driving are you?” Kevin yelled.

“One of your friend's is driving me home.” I replied.

“Who?” Penelope asked.

I glanced over at him, realizing I had no clue what his name was. He looked back at me, raising his brow curiously. “Uh, the tall nerd.” I responded.

He scoffed, shaking his head.

“Oh thank god. Put Spencer on the phone.”

I handed him the phone. He held it between his shoulder and his ear as he spoke. I couldn't hear what Penelope was saying on her end, but Spencer nearly responded with a couple of yeses and nos before hanging up the phone. He held it in his hand for a couple more seconds, typing something out before handing it back to me. “Penelope said Kevin's going to drop off your car tomorrow so I texted her the address.”

I ran my fingers through my hair. I had completely forgotten about the fact that I'd have to do all this again tomorrow. Fuck.

The rest of the drive was back to silence, which gave me a lot of time to think about how I was going to handle myself tomorrow. As much as I wanted to hide away and pretend like nothing ever happened I knew I couldn't. Tomorrow was my brother's wedding and even though we had a rocky relationship I needed to be there for him. I needed to prove to him I was at least a decent sister some of the time.

Once we arrived to my house I felt relieved. I grabbed my stuff out of the backseat, clutching it tightly against my chest as I sat for a couple of moments. I glanced over at Spencer who was staring down at his phone, typing up a message. I so badly wanted to hug him. Thank him for everything he'd done, but in all honesty that just wasn't me. I wasn't the kind of person who showed their gratitude. I was brash and unapologetic.

I unlocked the car door and stepped outside, slamming the door behind me. I didn't bother looking back. I held in my emotions as I got to my front doorstep and unlocked the door. I breathed heavily, holding the knob in my hand as I heard Spencer shift gears. I bit my bottom lip and turned towards him, watching as he stared at me. He gave me a small wave and I returned it, watching as he turned his attention to the car. He pulled out of the driveway and left without another thought.

I swallowed hard and opened the front door. The house was pitch black when I entered, which kind of freaked me out. For some odd reason, the idea of being alone shifted into something I didn't necessarily want. I felt uncomfortable. I dropped everything but my phone on the floor and closed the door behind me, locking it, too. I then turned on every light in the house I could find, breathing heavily as I walked through the living room to my bedroom. I could feel my anxiety coming at me full force. I ripped off my clothes and pulled on a fresh pair of underwear and a baggy t-shirt before hopping into bed. I started setting an alarm on my phone when it started ringing again. It was an unknown number, but it was local.

“Hello?”

“Hey, uh, sorry, again. This is probably uncomfortable for you, but this is Spencer. I just want to make sure you're okay.”

I bit my bottom lip.

“You there?”

“Uh, yeah, um, yes. Yes I'll be okay.”

“I know I'm probably one of the last people you want to talk to, because we don't know each other, but if you ever need anything just let me know, especially tomorrow. I'll be sitting right next to you.”

“Okay.” I wasn't sure what to say.

“Anyways, goodnight... uh, I didn't actually get your name.”

“It's Lor.”

“Goodnight Lor.”

“Goodnight Spencer.”

I hung up and clutched my phone to my chest, which was pounding heavily like a drum. I couldn't help but feel weird after that conversation. What kind of person just helps someone like me for no reason? What did he have to gain from it? Literally nothing, right? So why was it such a big deal to him that I was okay. I figured it was because of Penelope. She probably said something to him over the phone or something.

I plugged my phone in to charge and set an alarm for the morning before rolling over and trying to clear my mind, which became damn near impossible as time went on. I laid there for what felt like hours, trying to get that weird looking man out of my head. Every time I closed my eyes though, there he was with his sunken eyes and scraggly hair. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling.

What was wrong with me?