You Had Me At Hello

I awoke to the sound of frantic pounding on my front door. It was going to be one of the two brothers, and I honestly didn’t think I could handle either one of them right now. I rolled over and put a pillow over my head. The now-muffled pounding continued. I screamed in frustration and threw the pillow across the room, knocking over the stuff on my dresser. I stormed to the front door and threw it open.

“What do you want?” I screamed. Mikey and Gerard both stood at my doorstep. Mikey looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“We were worried…”Mikey said, hurt evident in his voice. “It’s four in the afternoon, and you haven't returned any calls or texts… I didn’t know where you went last night… I was scared.” Gerard stood behind him, refusing to look at me.

“Well, I’m fine. I was just trying to sleep. Now, if you don’t mind…”I said harshly as I reached for the door. The sleeve of my shirt rode up, and I heard Mikey gasp. Gerard glanced over and froze as he saw the damage he had caused. The penitence was clearly visible on his face. Mikey turned towards him and scowled.

“What did you do to her?!” He yelled angrily. Gerard shrunk back. “What happened?” He turned back towards me. “What happened?” He asked again. I shook my head.

“It doesn’t even matter. Can you please just leave me alone?” I started to close the door, but Mikey put his hand up.

“It does matter. I need to know what happened. Right fucking now.” I looked to Gerard, who was fighting break down.

“I don’t even know. I don’t know what he was on. I didn’t bother to ask. I just had to get out of there. Frankie brought me back. So, don’t worry about it.”

“Wait, Frankie knew about it? And what do you mean, what he was on?” He spun around and faced his older brother. “What? You just had to fuck up a good thing, right? You hurt my best friend. And for what? Why? You couldn’t deal with feeling anything? You had to go and risk it all for an hour of high? Poor, pitiful you.” His words were venom. They weren’t even directed at me, yet I felt the sting. I spoke up.

“Yes, he knew. But, Mikey, I told you that I didn’t think it was a good idea. I told you that something would happen, and you just kept saying it would be fine. So, don’t try blaming this entirely on him.” He looked back at me like a wounded puppy.

“I… I didn’t mean for… I’m so sorry… I should have listened to you… I just thought…”He stopped. “You’re right…” I turned my attention to Gerard.

“And you.” He flinched. “You are still partially to blame. You should’ve just come back. You could’ve said no. I don’t know what it was, and I don’t want to know. You should have said no. That being said…” I took a deep breath. They both stood in front of me, resembling two children in trouble with their parents. “I need a fucking cigarette.” Gerard reached into his pocket and handed the pack to me. I grabbed the lighter from the table by the door. I stepped out of the doorway and pulled the door closed behind me. I took a couple hits and rubbed my head.

“For what it’s worth, which I know isn’t much of anything… I’m sorry…” I put my hand up. I stared him down as I collected my thoughts.

“Mikey, can I ask a favor?”

“Yeah, anything…”

“Go home. I need to talk to him alone.” He looked at me with hurt in his eyes, but he nodded.

“Okay…”

“I will come by after a while…” I grabbed his arm and pulled him into a hug. “It’s going to be okay. I’m sorry for how I reacted. I’ll see you later. I love you.” He hugged me tight.

“I love you too,” he replied quietly. He left us alone, and after a minute, I turned to Gerard. He just stood still, hands in his pockets, staring at the ground.

“Gerard…” He acknowledged that I spoke but refused to look up. “Look at me.” He slowly raised his head. I noticed the dark circles under his eyes. His eyes were filled with tears of remorse. “We need to talk.” He just closed his eyes and nodded.

“I know. I don’t blame you. Turns out there really isn’t any hope for me,” he said with chagrin towards himself. I stepped closer to him. “For what it’s worth, I didn’t sleep last night. I sat on my bed, debating whether or not I could face you after what I did.” My heart ached. No words that I could say would hurt him worse than his own thoughts. I reached towards him, and he cringed. I grabbed his hand.

“Look at me,” I repeated. He opened his eyes, and I saw that they were no longer empty and soulless. Instead, I saw the hopelessness that he was feeling. I put a hand on his cheek, and he leaned into my hand. “Even in the darkest night, there is light. You just have to wait for the sunrise.” He sank to his knees and wrapped his arms around my waist. I felt the shaking as he wept. I moved his arms and knelt down in front of him.

“There are no words to describe the amount of pain in my heart. I not only physically hurt you, but I broke your trust. You had faith in me. You were the first person to have any faith in me, and I shattered it. I don’t understand why you don’t tell me to go and never come back…” He lamented, gingerly touching my wrist.

“As I told you that day, mistakes do not define who we are. Only how we choose to handle them.” His eyes met mine.

“How can you still look at me with anything but hatred and disgust? I can’t even look at myself…”

“Because I know you, and I know that you have done more damage to yourself than my words ever could.” He shook his head.

“It’s still not enough. I don’t deserve someone like you… If you want me to go, I will. I won’t bother you if you come to see Mikey. I’ll leave while you’re there. I’ll-” I stopped him.

“That’s not necessary,” I rested my hand against his face. “I’m a healer at heart. I couldn’t do that. I would be worried about you. I am not only worried about you because you’re a friend. I worry because I love you, and while that scares the hell out of me, I’m not sure if I could handle losing you.” He placed his hand over mine.

“I love you too…”

“I need to change. I have to go talk to Mikey,” I said as I stood up. He picked himself up off the ground. “Do you want to come inside?” He looked at me cautiously before agreeing. I went inside and shut the door behind him. We went to my room, and he sat on the bed while I found some clothes to put on. After I got dressed, we started the walk back to their house.

“So, I’m just wondering… Are we still…” He stopped, not wanting to finish his statement. “I fully understand if you’ve changed your mind.” I laughed to myself and shook my head.

“No, I didn’t change my mind. Yes, we are still together, so long as you want me.” He looked over at me.

“I will always want you.”