You Had Me At Hello

After the food arrived, we spent a few minutes arguing over what movie to watch. We finally settled for a comedy. We shared laughs, tears, and inside jokes for the duration of the movie. By the time it had ended, I had almost forgotten about the impending conversation. As I stood, Mikey looked over at me sympathetically.

“You heading home?”

“Yeah,” I replied as Gerard stood up next to me and stretched.

“Well, I guess I’m gonna go to bed,” Mikey said casually. Our eyes met for a second, and I saw both the anxiety and sympathy in his eyes.

“Okay. I’m going to walk her home,” Gerard stated. Mikey nodded and came over to give me a hug.

“I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said as I hugged him back. He nodded and headed off towards his room as we headed out the front door. During the walk back, neither of us really said much of anything. When we arrived at my house, I invited him inside. After he entered, I shut the door behind him and emptied the contents of my pockets on the table by the door. I walked to the kitchen and began rifling through the cabinets until I found a bottle of wine. I tilted it towards him in offering.

“Wow, is it going to be so bad that I need a drink?” I shook my head.

“Nah, more like I will.” I grabbed two glasses and poured the wine. I handed him a glass before taking my own and downing it. I poured myself another glass, drinking this one much slower. He raised a brow at me as he took a drink. I felt the warmth moving through my body. Well, it’s now or never.

“So, I have thought about it…”I started. I took another big drink as he finished his first glass, before pouring us each another. He waited patiently for me to continue. “So, here’s where I’m at. I really don’t want you to take any offense to anything that I say, please.” He took a drink and nodded. “That day I first talked to you. I really didn’t know how it was going to go. I really didn’t picture it going any further than being friends. I mean, you’re my best friend’s older brother.” I took another drink. “So, like, even after we started to become friends, I just couldn’t see myself being in any kind of romantically involved relationship with you.” I finished my glass and poured yet another, as well as refilling his. He tilted his head.

“Is it really so hard to just tell me no? You have to be damn near drunk before you say it?” I laughed nervously.

“Be glad that it’s just wine or we’d be doing shots right now.” I felt the fuzzy feeling setting in. “Okay, so… Where was I… Oh, yeah… I just couldn’t picture myself being romantically involved with you. Then, I got to thinking about it, right? We already do most of the stuff that regular couples do.” I stopped to finish my glass. As I leaned back against the counter, I felt the alcohol taking effect. I glanced over at him. He seemed completely unfazed, other than his eyes being slightly glossed over. His demeanor seemed calm, as he stood propped against the island.

“So, where is this going?” He asked as he took one final drink. My brain was scrambling to form a sentence.

“Well, I mean… It’s like, on the one hand, we already are kind of in a relationship. I mean, we do pretty much all the regular couple stuff. We hang out. We lay together. We hold hands. Hell, we’ve spent the night together more than once. I mean, it’s already like we are together. On the other hand, I just don’t know that I’m willing to risk ruining what we have. I’m definitely not willing to ruin my friendship with Mikey if this were to end badly.” He seemed to think it over for a couple minutes before nodding.

“I get what you’re saying.” I watched him carefully, waiting for red flags to appear. “I guess I figured you’d say all that. Plus, I realize how soon it is. I know that, again, even though we have known each other for years, we only just recently started talking. I get it.”

“I just don’t think I’m really ready for that level of commitment,” I concluded softly. He nodded again. We stood in silence for a minute before he stood up. I walked over to him, and he put his arms around me. I rested my head against his chest.

“It’s fine,” he assured me. We stood there, swaying slightly. In that moment, my thoughts raced. It was so calming to be in his arms. I felt as safe around him as I did Mikey, if not more. He became a comfort zone. He became my norm.

“It’s not that I don’t feel anything,” I muttered, almost incoherently. I felt him look down at me.

“What was that?”

“It’s not that I don’t feel anything for you,” I repeated a little louder. “I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I do. Even in such a short time, you became my safe place. You make me feel safe and protected. I have become accustomed to your voice, your scent, your smile…” He chuckled softly.

“I know what you mean.”

“I don’t know why I’m so scared. I guess… I don’t know… I guess, I just feel like if something starts…” I trailed off.

“If something starts…”He waited for me to continue. I felt tears prick my eyes. I took a shaky breath and started again.

“I just feel like if something starts, even if it goes incredibly well… Eventually, it will end… And I just don’t know if I can handle that kind of heartache…” He seemed to think this over for a moment.

“I understand. It’s okay. I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to trap you. If you don’t want to be with me, I can handle that. It’s not the end of the world,” he reassured me. I felt the words coming up, but I couldn’t stop them from coming out.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I think I do, because I like you. Fuck, I think I might even love you. And I mean like love not just love. Like, I love Mikey, but I think I actually love you. You’re funny, charming, brilliant, caring, compassionate. You’re artistic and an amazing cook. Plus, you are adorable as hell. But, beyond it just being about how you are, it’s how you make me feel. I feel safe. I feel happy. So, I don’t know why I’m so against it. Like, I don’t want to ruin what we have if things go bad. I finally know you, and I’m better for it. I don’t want to lose the relationship that we’ve built. I don’t want to lose you…”

“Our lives improve only when we take chances… And the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” I know that line. I’ve heard that somewhere. “It’s all just a matter of how much you’re willing to risk.” I sighed and looked up at him. He didn’t have the hopeless look that I thought he would. His eyes were soft, his smile gentle. I pulled away and walked down the hallway towards my room. He followed close behind.

“I just don’t know what to say,” I admitted in defeat. “At the start of it, I would have just said no. I would’ve just said that I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I just don’t know now.” I plopped down on the bed. He nodded understandingly as he sat down next to me.

“Why do you think you have to say anything? You didn’t have to give me an explanation. You didn’t even really have to give me an answer at all. You could’ve just said you didn’t want to go there.” I laid back and groaned in frustration.

“I think that makes it worse.” He laid on his side facing me with his arm propped up.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re just so understanding about it. Like, if you were upset or whatever, I could focus on trying to comfort you,” I explained. “However, it’s the other way around, and you’re trying to comfort me. Drinking probably didn’t help. I think it made me more emotional, which is the exact opposite of what I was trying to do.” He laughed quietly.

“Well, I agree with you there. Drinking didn’t really help, but Taylor…” He stopped. He was quiet for a minute, carefully calculating his words. “Even without the alcohol, I really am okay. Don’t worry about my reaction. Would I love to call you mine? Absolutely. It’s not going to change how I feel about you though. I’m not going to just pretend like we never met just because it may not have gone just the way I wanted. I’m a big boy. I can handle it.” I rolled over to face him.

“That’s the thing that I don’t get. You can handle it, so why can’t I?” He just shrugged.

“I don’t know. Maybe because you have been behind the walls you’ve built for so long. Maybe you’ve actually cracked it a little bit, and you let me in. Maybe you are realizing that, in reality, too much has been said and done to take it back. Maybe you just don’t know how to handle knowing that this is more than just friendship. Then, when I posed the question, maybe you just refuse to see the possibilities. You only see how it will end. Maybe it’s because you have actually seen me, all of me. I’ve been entirely exposed, both metaphorically and literally,” he said with a laugh. “I’m not going to let you live that down any time soon.” I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, I figured as much.” In my mildly intoxicated state, my mind flashed back to this afternoon, seeing him literally exposed. The heat crept across my face.

“You okay?” He asked. I realized now that my embarrassment was probably showing on my face. For some reason, I squeezed my eyes shut. He started laughing again. “Sugar, it’s okay. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” I opened my eyes and looked into his. A smile played on his lips. I remember the warm tingling sensation on my lips. Without warning, I felt myself lean forward and kiss him. He leaned into the kiss. I snaked one hand through his hair as the other rested on his chest. I felt the warmth on my skin as he put his hand on my waist. I felt myself pull him towards me as I rolled onto my back. He pulled back and looked into my eyes. We both knew where this was heading. He searched my eyes for confirmation, and I pulled him closer to me. I couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol or if it was the sheer intensity of the moment, but all I wanted was to feel his skin against my own. His lips crashed onto mine. His hand crept slowly against my skin, causing me to shudder. I felt his smirk against my lips. I closed my eyes as his lips moved from my own, down my neck. I felt a quiet moan escape my lips. As the sexual tension built, all reservations melted away.

“Please,” I said softly. He looked up at me with a slight smirk.

“Please what?”

“I want you…” I heard the faint whine in my voice. He bit his lip, and the mere action brought a wave of sexual frustration. I slipped his shirt over his head, as he did mine. The more that came off, the worse the feeling got. The heat grew as I wrapped my legs around him. I felt his bare skin against mine, and the sensation was almost too much to bear. He looked at me once more, judging my reactions.

“Are you sure?” The expression was both concerned and impatient.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been more sure about anything.”