Can’t Look Away

Gently slipping her new ring off of her finger, Sasha held it out ahead of her, staring at it as a goofy smile spread across her features. She had done it a few times. Since Lionel had slipped the ring onto her finger a few hours previous, she had taken to slipping it off to just stare at it, and no matter how many times she did it, the smile that brightened her face didn’t dim.

She hadn’t planned to bring it up. The conversation that she had had with her brother had been lost in the excitement that had accompanied Arlo coming along, but when Lionel had made the quip he had about her father crying, she hadn’t been able to stop the picture entering her head. She could picture it clearly. Lionel stood at the end of an aisle, her father trying, and failing, to hide his tears as they walked towards him, and it had made her certain of something she had already been mostly sure of. She wanted to marry him.

“Sasha?”

Sasha slipped the ring back onto her finger before she lifted her head, watching as Lionel shuffled sleepily into the room. “Why are you up?” she asked quietly.

Lionel rubbed at his jaw as he yawned. “You didn’t come back up” he replied “I was worried that you’d fallen asleep down here” he added.

Sasha smiled a little at his concern before she tilted head, gesturing to Arlo who was settled against her, his tiny snores filling the air. “He finally went back to sleep” she mused “And I am kind of enjoying the quiet. I can finally hear myself think again” she added.

Lionel was careful as he sat down beside her. He didn’t want to disturb Arlo. “What did the trick?” he asked quietly, his arm settling around Sasha’s shoulders.

Sasha moved into him slightly, letting out a happy sigh when he placed a soft kiss on the crown on her head. “He was hungry” she replied “And then we walked around the house a couple of times whilst I sang some lullaby that Ellie said worked for Ivy. I don’t know why, but this kid seems to be the only person in the world that can stand my singing” she added, her fingertip lightly brushing the back of Arlo’s hand.

“He’s your kid” Lionel quipped, grinning into her hair “He probably just loves hearing his mama’s voice” he added.

Sasha let out a quiet laugh, something Lionel mimicked before he placed another kiss on the top of her head. “I thought you might be having trouble sleeping” he admitted after a few moments of quiet “The engagement” he added, knowing precisely what the next question out of her mouth would be.

Sasha’s eyes stayed fixed on Arlo. “Is that why you’re still awake?” she asked.

Lionel let out a soft sigh. She had tried to hide it, but he could hear the anxiety in her voice, and it made his stomach drop. It wasn’t the first time she had leapt to the conclusion that he had doubts about them or the way their relationship was progressing, but it still stung. He had hoped that, eventually, she would trust that what he said he wanted was actually what he wanted.

“I’m just saying” Sasha said “It came out of the blue. I sort of sprung the fact that I had been thinking about it on you. I wouldn’t blame you for feeling a little...caught off guard” she added, fiddling with Arlo’s onesie.

“I asked you months ago” Lionel countered “I didn’t warn you, either. I am not surprised that it’s been on your mind, Sasha, I am delighted, especially since I got the answer I was waiting for. So, no, the fact that we’re engaged isn’t keeping me awake. I told you months ago that I had hoped that you wouldn’t have to think on it. I wanted you to say yes then, I wanted you to say it earlier. I want you to marry me” he insisted, his voice verging on frustrated.

Sasha moved away from him, allowing her to look at him in confusion. “Why are you so upset?” she prodded.

“Because this is what you always do” Lionel replied “You’re sure of something one minute, and the next, you’re worried that you’ve gotten carried away, or that I have some kind of regret. It gets pretty tiresome sometimes” he added.

Sasha blinked at him.

“I love you” Lionel mused “I have done for a long time, and I probably am going to for a lot more time, but I hate that you still seem to doubt me sometimes. I said it months ago, that I wanted to marry you, and it hasn’t changed. Why would it?” he prodded.

Sasha stared at him for a moment, processing what he had said, before she let out a soft sigh.

“You seemed so confident earlier” Lionel pointed out “I mean, after I got you talking, you came out with it so easily. Do you regret it?” he asked.

“No” Sasha’s voice was slightly too loud, causing Arlo to stir. His eyes opened briefly, causing both Lionel and Sasha to hold their breath, before he drifted off again, his soft snores filling the air. Sasha watched him for a moment, making sure that he was asleep, before her stare moved back to Lionel. “I don’t regret it” she said.

“Then don’t assume that I do” Lionel replied “I thought you might be struggling sleeping because you were excited, and you assumed that I would be struggling because I had doubts or regrets. I don’t like that you still think of me that way, Sasha” he added, his voice softening.

“I don’t mean to” Sasha said gently.

Lionel quirked a sad smile. “I know that you don’t” he mused “But you still do” he added before he pushed himself up. Leaning down, he carefully extracted Arlo from her arms before he bent over, kissing the top of her head gently.

Sasha sighed at the contact. “Leo” she murmured.

“We should take a couple of days” Lionel mused “Get our heads around it before we tell anyone else” he added.

Sasha swallowed before she nodded, offering him a gentle smile. “Sounds like a plan” she mused.

“Good” Lionel mused “Now come on. My guess is that we’ve only got about half an hour before he starts fussing again” he added, glancing at the clock with a slight grin.

Sasha nodded before she stepped ahead of him, leading him back up the stairs towards their bedroom. She knew that he was still bothered. Even despite his move to change the subject and lighten the mood, she could see it in his slightly put on smile, but she didn’t know that words would convince him that she didn’t have doubts. She didn’t know that she had the right words to express that now he was in her life, she struggled to picture it without him.