Can’t Look Away

“You know he’s asleep, right?”

Sasha, who’d been quietly watching Arlo stir in his sleep, quirked a small smile, but didn’t lift her head, not glancing back at Lionel who stood behind her, a slightly awkward smile on his face. It wasn’t the first one he had quirked. After he had asked for time to think about the prospect of the two of them changing their wedding plans, the atmosphere between them had grown tense, and whilst they had tried their hardest to pretend otherwise, the tension lingered, something Lionel knew would be the case until they made a decision one way or the other.

He knew that Sasha thought that she was sure. When she had broached the subject, she had looked more certain of it than she had done about a lot of other things throughout their relationship, but he didn’t share her certainty. She was frustrated, disappointed that their first set of plans had gone to waste, and whilst he felt the same way, he didn’t want to rush into things. If everything worked out, they were only going to get married once, and when it happened, Lionel wanted it to be perfect.

Staring at the back of her head for a moment, Lionel let out a quiet sigh before he ducked his head, shaking it slightly. “Are you not even going to talk to me now?” he muttered “I asked for a little bit of thinking time, Sasha. Is that really worthy of the silent treatment?” he asked.

Sasha shook her head, glancing up at him as her expression softened. “It’s not” she agreed “And I am not trying to give it to you” she added.

“You could have fooled me” Lionel countered, his voice caught somewhere between teasing and exasperated.

Sasha’s lips quirked slightly as her cheek flushed a soft shade of pink.

Lionel marvelled at the pink on her cheeks before he shuffled a little deeper into the room, carefully sitting down on the side of the bed next to her. “Can I explain what I am thinking?” he asked quietly.

Sasha hesitated for a split second before she nodded her head wordlessly.

Lionel flashed her a small smile before he gently took her hand, toying with her fingers. “I know that you are disappointed” he said softly “I am too. We had everything ready, and then something we couldn’t have seen coming happened, and it blew all those plans apart, and getting over that hasn’t been easy. I know that because it hasn’t been easy for me either, but...but what you suggested earlier, I don’t know that that is the right thing to do” he added, his eyes drifting away from their hands to watch her expression.

Sasha blinked a couple of times, a slight crease growing between her eyebrows, before she nodded her head slowly.

“I want to marry you, Sasha” Lionel continued “I just...I want it to be everything you dreamed of. I know it doesn’t really matter, the important thing is that we actually get married, and the rest of it is just...decoration, but I want it to be what you want and I worry that this isn’t it. I don’t love the waiting either, but I will gladly put up with it if it means that I can give you the day you deserve” he added, flashing her an earnest smile.

Sasha watched Lionel play with her fingers for a few moments before she let out a slightly shaky sigh. “Can I admit something to you?” she asked quietly.

“Anything, always” Lionel replied.

Sasha smiled slightly at his reply before she lifted her stare to his face, her expression growing slightly softer. “It’s going to sound dramatic” she murmured.

Lionel’s lips quirked upwards like he had thought of an amusing reply, but whatever it was, he didn’t say it. Instead, he just lightly squeezed her hand, wordlessly telling her that he would listen to anything she had to say.

Sasha was quiet for a moment before she glanced up at him, her eyes searching his features. “We keep hitting bumps” she said “Leila-related bumps, bumps I have caused by being too hesitant about us from time to time, and then there was my papa falling ill when he did. I know it’s silly to think it, but I worry that these bumps are trying to tell us something” she added.

“Sasha...”

“I know it’s silly” Sasha interrupted “I mean, it was always going to be complicated. You have a history with my sister which now seems as though it was a lot more complicated than we realised at first, and I am known for talking myself out of my own happiness, but I just...I don’t know. I thought if we could do it, then that little voice at the back of my head that tells me that this just isn’t meant to be would go away” she added.

Lionel’s expression flicked through a range of emotions, flitting from upset to confused, before he gently lifted Sasha’s hand, pressing a soft kiss against the back of her hand. “It is meant to be” he insisted.

Sasha’s head settled on his shoulder. “How do you know?” she mumbled.

“I just do” Lionel replied “Don’t get me wrong, we’ve hit our fair share of bumps, but you said it yourself. It was always going to be complicated. I don’t like how complicated it has been at times, but I know that if I had to do it all again just so that I could be sat here with you cuddled up against me and our baby sound asleep in front of us, I would” he insisted.

He knew that things had been hard. More often than they should have, they had found themselves in a position where one of them had been left uncertain about taking their relationship forwards, but he wanted to assure Sasha that he wouldn’t have changed the outcome, even if it meant going through all of the problems again. He liked where they were, and whilst it hadn’t always been smooth sailing for one reason or another, he’d have done it over and over again if it meant that they ended up together.

Sasha glanced up at him, her eyes surveying his features. “I love you” she whispered.

Lionel pressed his lips to hers briefly. “I love you, too” he replied “And if you really want to bring things forwards, then we can. I just want you to be sure that you’re doing it because you want to, not because you’re scared that something else is going to go wrong. I’m not going anywhere, Sasha, I promise you that” he added.

Sasha’s face lit up with a soft smile. “I believe you” she cooed.