Sound Effects and Overdramatics

“You are a lying, selfish, cunt, but I’m guessing you already knew that. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I figured you’d pull a stunt like this eventually. I’m about to lose everything that matters to me because you can’t make up your fucking mind. Everyone else is too scared of how you’ll react, but I have no problem knocking you off that pedestal you’re so fucking fond of standing on. Swallow your goddamn pride and get your ass down here and fix this.”

It wasn’t Brian’s message I was listening to, but Matt’s, and I had no clue how he got my number. In my scramble to reach my phone, at three in the morning California time, I accidentally sent him to voicemail, and he had no problem talking to empty air, hoping it would reach me.

I couldn’t say he was wrong. He had every right to be angry with me; they all did. I shouldn’t have said anything to anyone, but I wasn’t going to lie to my brother. I’d already done the unthinkable in leaving him, twice, when I should have stayed to keep an eye on him after finding out that Ian left him, but I was a selfish coward.

It was my impulsive behavior-not Brian’s endless need for me-that got me into this. Brian had been right. I didn’t fuck him on the balcony because I loved him. I did it because I could, because I knew he wouldn’t stop me, without thinking about the consequences.

Ali and Christian had called me and begged me to come back and be a full-time nanny for them, for baby Peyton. I couldn’t refuse, and it meant having somewhere away from Brian to stay. So I packed some bags and had a long farewell with Kai and got back on a plane.

Jason picked me up from the airport and did his best to avoid looking me in the eye. I didn’t say anything about it because I wasn’t up for playing Pot and Kettle with him. Walking next to him, I got a whiff of Marlboros, and he didn’t smoke.

When we loaded up in Brian’s Jeep, and I was pretty sure he was wearing some of Brian’s clothes. He drove me and my bags to Ali’s without saying anything.

Of course Jason had been staying with him. It was the only surefire way of making sure Jason stayed sober, and he had nowhere else to go.

After listening to the message, I climbed out of bed, deciding that I was awake for the day. I checked on the baby and found Ali in the rocking chair, dozing as he fed. When she opened her eyes, I smiled and continued on downstairs to the kitchen for coffee.

She made a great mother, and Christian had really stepped up to the plate. They didn’t really need me as a nanny, but I made a great baby-sitter for when they had to go out to one function or another. After a couple weeks of living with them, it was as if I’d always lived here.

As soon as I made it to the kitchen, my phone buzzed with a message from Jason, letting me know he was outside. I let him into the house and he followed me to the kitchen to watch me start on my first cup of coffee of the day.

"You should know," he started without looking at me. He picked at a speck of dirt on the counter. "Matt's gunning for you."

"Yeah...he left me a message."

"Is it bad?"

I shook my head and gulped the caffeine. "He's just pissed because Brian's not giving him the attention he wants. I'm surprised he's not going after you, too."

"I'm not taking Brian away from him." He pointed out. I gave a noncommittal shrug. It was something that could be debated but I didn't have the energy for.

He looked paler, and thinner, if either things were possible. His hair was getting shaggy and he had bags under his eyes. I didn’t have to ask to know that he wasn’t sober. Whether it was despite all of Brian’s efforts to the contrary or his lack of trying, I wasn’t sure.

Losing Ian had cost him, and losing me had done the rest of the damage. All he had left was Brian, and I didn’t really care to know what the details of their relationship actually entailed now that they were living together.

“So, don’t be mad…” he started. I sighed and lifted my eyes to him. Whatever it was, I was most definitely going to be mad.

“I told Brian you were here. He wants to see you.”

“You brought him with you.” I muttered with a shake of my head. He shrugged and pulled a glass out of the cabinet so he could get water from the fridge dispenser. A minute later, Brian was walking through the door, having waited the appropriate amount of time for Jason to drop the bomb.

With a longing look at my coffee, I left it on the counter in the kitchen and met him in the foyer. No words were said as I grabbed his hand and led him upstairs to my room. I didn’t want an audience for whatever kind of reunion awaited us, especially when that audience was Jason.

He sat with me on the bed and grabbed my hand, brushing his thumb over my knuckles.

“I missed you.” He breathed, touching his forehead to mine. He cupped his hand around the back of my neck and kissed me, prying my mouth open with his tongue. I laid back on the bed to let him climb on top of me and kissed him back, throwing my arms around his shoulders.

After a few minutes, he moved to the side. I rolled over to face him, our legs tangled together. I tucked one hand under me and reached out with the other to stroke his cheek. He closed his eyes against my touch and held his breath, putting his hand on top of mine.

“Please.” He begged. I kissed him slowly and felt his tears fall on my cheeks.

I brushed them away and tried to fight my own. “I’m sorry.” I whispered. He shook his head.

“Don’t be sorry. Be here. Stay. Please.”

“I’m here, Brian. I’m not running away anymore.” I promised. He held me tight and kissed me with everything he had, full of desperation and pain.

It took everything in me not to tear off his clothes. He probably wouldn't have stopped me, but it wasn't what he needed. He needed me, and I was here, doing everything I could to hold him together.

I kissed him back just as forcefully, holding him as tight as I could. I kept my arms around him as he nuzzled my neck and his body started to shake.

He finally let everything go.

His tears were hot on my skin as he sobbed and his fingers dug into my sides as he held onto me, afraid that if he let go, we would both float away. I ran my hand down his head and drew my finger along his spine, repeating the motion over and over, not saying a word.

After several minutes, his body quit shaking and he grew quiet. His breathing evened out and he was asleep.

It was amazing what letting everything go could do.

Eventually, I managed to fall asleep next to him, sleeping deeply and dreamlessly for the first time in years.