Sound Effects and Overdramatics

I woke up with Beth practically on top of me. Her lips were parted, but she, gracefully, didn't snore. Unlike her brother. As gently and doubtlessly as I could, I wheedled myself out from under her and walked out of the bedroom.

It took me a minute to navigate the house, but I managed to make it downstairs and into the kitchen without making too much noise. At the breakfast table, Ali was feeding the baby and herself at the same time.

Surprisingly, it was fairly easy to ignore the fact that she wasn't covered up. I went for the coffee and then sat down across from her. I needed a cigarette, but Christian had a strict no smoking policy. The only acceptable place was outside on the back deck or the front porch, and I wasn't awake enough for that.

"Where's Jason?"

"Uh...I think he left last night. He's not here."

"Who picked him up?"

I'd been the one to drive, after waiting a week after bailing Jason out and doing my best to dodge Michelle, I'd finally cracked and used Jason as a scapegoat. I had expected him to stay in one of the guest rooms.

"I don't know. I was with the baby."

I sighed and sent a silent prayer out that he wasn't getting into trouble. I couldn't bail him out again without Beth finding out and I already had too much to answer for.

Last night had been liberating, in a way. Hearing her say that she was staying set everything loose in me. I couldn't take much more heartache, especially from her, but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep sleeping with Michelle a secret.

Better she found out from me than Matt.

The baby started fussing. I looked away while she adjusted herself.

"Do you wanna hold him?" She asked with a smile.

"Um…" I wasn't sure how to answer her. I hadn't held a baby since my sister was born. She cradled him and came around to my side, placing a burp cloth over my shoulder and making sure I was doing it right before stepping back.

"Hey there." I whispered, patting his back. He burped a few times-with no spit up-and rested his head against my chest. I bounced him a bit more and turned to address Ali but found Beth standing in the entryway.

I couldn't place the look she gave me. Part admiration, part...guilt?

She gave her head the slightest shake before coming in for her own coffee. Whatever it was, she didn't want me to ask in front of her best friend.

"Christian would be jealous. He can never get him to quiet down after he eats." Ali commented.

"Where is he, anyway?" Beth asked. Ali sighed and put her half-eaten bowl of cereal in the sink.

"He left for New York this morning. Doing a new ad for Calvin Klein, I think."

"You could have gone with him, you know. I don't mind watching him." Beth told her. I watched her expression go from barely awake to functioning with her first long sip.

I knew better than most that you didn't get in between her and her coffee.

I continued rocking Peyton, shifting so that I was cradling him in my arms instead of on my chest. He didn't make a sound. I looked down at him and smiled. When I looked back up, Beth had the same look as before.

"Nah. I can't always go with him. There's a new man in my life now." Even as Ali spoke, she lifted Peyton out of my arms and walked away, leaving us to talk.

She followed me outside so we could smoke. For the first couple minutes, the silence was amicable, but as our cigarettes burned up, the silence filled with everything we didn't want to say to each other.

"I'm sorry, Bri. I've been pretty stupid." She finally said.

"I have too. Believe me."

"Are you still sleeping with Jason?" She asked. I snorted and gave my head a small shake. "What?" She commented, noting my reaction.

"Seeing as you brought it up, I haven't. At least, not since you've been back."

"Oh." Her face got red. She reached for another cigarette. I should have kept it at that, but Matt came into my head again. If he knew she was staying for good and I hadn't told her, he'd enjoy it too much.

"If you've slept with Kai, I'd understand. I mean, I wouldn't be happy, but I wouldn't be able to say anything." I muttered.

"This your way of telling me you've been sleeping with Michelle?" She scoffed. When she lifted her eyes to look at me, they got bigger with my silence. "Seriously?"

I exhaled slowly, trying to form the words, the reasoning. I came up empty. "I thought you were gone for good. Actually, no, that's bullshit. I was fucked up and I called her because I knew she would answer. Happy?"

She wasn't angry. At least, she hadn't been until I snapped out an explanation.

"Real nice, Bri. Why the hell did you even come here?" She stood and backed up, trying to get some distance.

"I miss you. I love you. I fucked up, but I didn't hear you deny it." I snapped back.

"Of course not. Why the hell would I? Yes, I slept with Kai when I got back to London. Are you happy now?"

"What the hell for?"

"You told me to, remember? I don't recall telling you to sleep with your ex."

"You left. Again. The fuck was I supposed to do?"

"Anyone else!" She screamed at me. Suddenly, she was fighting back tears, and I had no idea why. "Anyone else who couldn't give you a child!" She half-screamed, half-sobbed. She fell back into a chair and smashed her cigarette into the ashtray, crying uncontrollably.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, my voice calmer. She shook her head, angrily wiping the tears away. She wasn't even looking at me.

"Laurel," I demanded. I took her hand and forced her to look at me. When she did, I wished that for once, the eyes I was staring at were green, instead of hazel.

"I can't…" she choked out, taking a deep breath. "I can't have kids, Brian."

Her admission hit me in the chest. She'd never told me. We'd never talked about our future. I didn't even like planning a date more than two days out because of how many times she had bailed on me. I honestly had never expected to have this conversation with her. Before had been too soon and now it was too late.

It wasn't like I explicitly thought about having kids. I'd always figured it was just one of those things Michelle and I would get around to eventually. Probably after Matt and Val popped one out. Beth had thrown a wrench into the whole plan.

Now, I could see the guilt ten times more clearly. I wondered how long she would have gone without telling me if she'd stuck around two years ago, or even two months ago. She was crying again, quieter, and smoking another cigarette. I stammered for something to say and came up empty.

This time, I was the one who ran away.

I needed time to process, to think, to...make a decision.