Sound Effects and Overdramatics

I weaved my way through the crowd of people in Matt’s living room and out the front door. I needed air. Space. A fifth of Jack. A mountain of coke.

It didn’t really matter, as long as it kept me from being sober.

Outside, the cold air hit my face and I breathed deep, trying to get some clarity.

New Year’s had come and gone and we were all still in Limbo. Time wasn’t passing for us; it just wouldn’t fucking end.

I moved around to the side of the house, away from the crowd and the monotony of condolences. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take, and the funeral wasn’t for another three days. I just wanted to be alone.

Scratch that. I wanted to be pinned to Jason’s bed, wax dripping onto my stomach.

God, I was sick.

Seeing him had probably been the worst idea, but it did help me feel a little better. I was able to let go, and go somewhere else. I didn’t have to be stuck inside my head with him, and that was all that I wanted.

Neither one of us mentioned Laurel, but she was always in the room with us.

Being with Ian had done a lot of good for him. He wasn’t the needy, attention-starved twin I had met two years before. He seemed more stable, capable of standing on his own two feet now that he had been sober for over a year. I was genuinely proud of him.

We didn’t do a whole lot of talking after I went into the house. Matt didn’t ask where I went with his car, but he seemed to look at me as if he knew.

Two years, and some things still weren’t resolved between us.

I probably could have just asked him and gotten the same result, but I still blamed him for losing Laurel. Jason was as close as I was going to get to having her back, which only proved how fucked up my mental state had gotten.

I lit a cigarette and rested my head against the cool brick of the house. I was itching for another drink. None of the other guys were coping well without it, either, but Michelle insisted on drying me out in time for the funeral. I understood why. I just didn’t care.

I closed my eyes and inhaled the sweet nicotine, blowing the smoke upwards towards the sky, and thought about Michelle, and how we wound up back together.

We’d finished off the American leg of our tour for our self-titled. We had two weeks of home time before setting off for Asia. Michelle had joined us for holiday festivities, and then she just stuck around. We were back together without actually talking about it. Proposing had just been the next logical step, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore.

I loved her. I always would. She was Val’s sister and would always be a part of our weird, cohesive, fucked up family, but I think she knew that no matter how hard she tried, she wasn’t going to be who I actually wanted anymore. She was loyal to the bone, though. She stayed by my side anyway, always holding out hope that I would open more of my heart to her.

I wasn’t keen on going back inside just yet, so I lit another cigarette, although I really didn’t want it, but it gave me something to do.

I didn’t hear anyone approaching, so when I heard, “can I bum one,” I jumped, clutching my hand to my chest.

It was a girl. Curly, vibrant red hair and hazel eyes. She wore a black dress with beads over the bodice and a deep purple leather jacket over it. Sunglasses sat on top of her head and she looked weary, not just tired, but haggard.

She wasn’t wearing shoes. I couldn’t place why it was so important, but her bare feet skimming the cold, newly cut grass caught my attention.

I held out my pack. She stepped closer to take it, sticking one between her lips, getting the filter all sticky with her plum-colored lipstick. I stood straighter and flicked my lighter for her. She leaned in, inhaled, and then pulled it out of her mouth, holding it gracefully between her freshly manicured fingers.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah, no problem.” I mumbled. I took a drag and watched her. I didn’t recognize her. She was probably just a fan, or one of Jimmy’s many one night stands. There was really no telling. Hundreds of people had been circulating for days. My house, Zack’s house, Johnny’s, and now Matt’s. We were just floating along, not really wanting to be away from each other. She’d probably come and gone a few times and I hadn’t noticed.

“How are you holding up?” She asked, a slight accent to her voice. One I couldn’t place.

I shrugged. I wasn’t really up for the same conversation again, but it was just us, and her presence was oddly comforting. “I’m…” I breathed. I didn’t want to lie to her. I didn’t know her, but I didn’t want to lie to her, and I didn’t want to give her the same redundant answers I’d been cycling through for a week.

“I’m not okay.”

She nodded, inhaled. I copied her, needing something to do. We exhaled at the same time. “How’s everyone else? Johnny and Zack?”

Curious that she left out Matt even though it was his house we were standing in front of.

“About the same. It’s just one of those things. Still really can’t believe it.”

“I’m sorry.” She told me, and it didn’t sound forced or automatic. She stared at me, concern and sympathy all over her face. She was mourning, too. “You probably don’t want to be bothered. I should leave you alone.”

When she turned, I realized how much I didn’t want her to leave.

“Did you know him that well?”

She stopped. Her curls bounced over her shoulders and swayed in the wind. I saw her shoulders rise and fall as she took a deep breath, but she didn’t turn back around to look at me.

“Not as well as I should have.” She muttered by way of reply.

“What’s-”

“I have to go.”

She was walking away before I had a chance to stop her, but I followed her back around the house to see where she was going. A limo was on the street and a man was leaning against it. He hugged her and opened the door for her. She got in without a backwards glance.

Back inside, I wandered around until I found Zack. He was talking with my dad and Suzy and clutching a glass of whiskey like it was the only thing keeping him on his feet. It probably was.

“Hey, son. You okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Just need Zack for a minute."

"Alright. If you see your sister, tell her we're headed home for a bit."

"Sure. Thanks dad." He smiled and Suzy gave me a warm hug before they left. McKenna was probably trying to sneak some booze somewhere.

Zack and I made our way towards the formal dining room. Liquor bottles and finger foods covered every available space there was. I poured some whiskey and tossed it back.

“What’s up?”

“Did you see a girl come into the house?”

“A girl?”

“Tall, brilliant red hair, no shoes.”

“Uh, can’t say I have. Why?”

More whiskey went down. “I’m not really sure. It’s just strange. I was outside getting some air and she came up to me. I thought she was just another fan or something, but there was something about her...she asked how I was doing, and how you and Johnny were, but she left out Matt. The whole thing was just...odd. I don’t know. I was hoping maybe you’d talked to her, knew who she was.”

“Yeah, I don’t know. Sorry.”

I shrugged. We did two more shots together and then Johnny and Matt found us. At this point, staying together as a group was the best way to get through everyone who wanted to talk to us. We were all tired and worn out, hoping to pass through the next few days in one piece.