Sound Effects and Overdramatics

It was an hour after Brian texted me that I finally got to his house. As soon as I walked through the door, I knew something was up. I had a feeling of what, so instead of announcing my presence and interrupting something, I made my way down to the basement.

Zacky was on the couch, smashing buttons on a controller. An open pizza box sat in front of him. I tossed my jacket and purse on the love seat and took a spot next to him.

"Hey." He greeted without breaking concentration. I pulled a beer out of the pack and popped the top. Before I could bring it to my lips, he took it from me, blowing something up at the same time.

He set it down on his other side and continued with his game. When I went to grab a cigarette, he moved the pack and the lighter out of my reach, all the while keeping his eyes on the TV.

"Eat." He ordered. In betrayal, my stomach growled. I took a slice of pizza in my hand and bit in, holding a napkin under my chin.

"How do you do it?" He asked after the round ended. He picked up the beer that I opened and drank from it.

I shrugged. "A strict don't ask, don't tell policy."

"And it works?"

"It just makes sense. When I found out, I waited for it to bother me. I'm still waiting."

He nodded and drank more beer. I glared at him and took another bite. "You gonna tell him?" I asked.

"What's to tell? I know less than he does. He's gonna ask though. Are you gonna tell him?"

That was the million dollar question, wasn't it?

I finished the pizza without answering and got up to grab a drink from the soda fountain. Zack got up with me to add some happy juice to his own soda.

"Aren't you on the pill?"

"I was. A few missed days turned into a few missed weeks."

"That go for your period, too?"

"Guess so."

"You guys don't use condoms?"

"Do you and Gena always use condoms?"

"Guess not."

If I had been having this conversation with Matt, it would have been completely different. Zack was the easiest for me to talk to. Johnny was great, and so was Jimmy when he was still alive, but Zack had always been the one I felt closest to.

"Guess I gotta call Gena. Tell her I'm gonna be late."

"You don't have to stay, Zack." I sat on a stool and braced my back against the bar, cradling my glass on my lap.

"I don't mind hanging out. You shouldn't have to be by yourself while they're...occupied."

"If you insist. How about a movie?" I suggested.

"Yeah sure. You get it set up. Let me call her."

I picked one of the Saw movies. I didn't really pay attention to which one. Zack made a quick call to his girl and sat next to me on the couch as he hung up. He lit a cigarette and after a second, handed me one. I took it graciously but smoked slowly.

His concerns weren't unfounded. I couldn't blame him for being cautious. I just wasn't sure what I was going to say if Brian asked me before I saw the doctor tomorrow. I didn't want to lie to him, but getting his hopes up was worse.

Pregnancy didn't mean anything, and I would have much preferred not to say anything about it and let it pass quietly.

********

"Baby," Brian whispered, kissing me on the head. "Babe, wake up."

I opened my eyes. I was still downstairs. The DVD player logo was bouncing around the TV screen. Zack was gone and Brian was kneeling down next to me.

His chest and stomach were red in places, and Jason had done a number on his neck. He was wearing sweats, but no boxers.

"What time is it?" I mumbled, lifting my head to kiss him.

"Late. Come on. Let's get to bed."

I nodded and held out my hands so he could pull me up. As soon as he did, I regretted it.

My pants were wet, sticking to my body. The light was too dim to really see, but after a quick swipe of my hand across my backside, my fingers came away red.

And then the pain started in my stomach. Intense cramping that had me falling back onto the couch. It was as if becoming aware of what was happening brought everything into extreme focus.

"Beth?" Brian asked, worry in his voice. "You okay?"

"Is Jason still here?" I grunted.

"No...he took a shower and left...what's wrong?" I was squeezing the life out of his hand.

"Just help me upstairs. To the bathroom. Please." Without asking another question, he scooped me into his arms and carried me up two flights of stairs. He set me gently on the toilet and turned on the shower.

"You're bleeding."

"Yeah, that happens." I muttered, stripping down.

"Talk to me. Please."

I sighed and reached for him. I twined my fingers with his and kissed each of the letters he had tattooed on his fingers.

"I love you. No matter what." I promised.

"I love you too."

I put my hand on his cheek, rubbing my thumb under his eye. He turned into my palm and kissed it. He didn't ask me another question as he helped me into the shower and then joined me.

"You know how I've been sick?"

"Yeah..."

"I was gonna see the doctor tomorrow about a pregnancy test. I guess it's too late now."

"Too late? What do you mean, too late?" He panicked. Water sluiced between us. He placed a hand on my stomach. "You're pregnant?"

"Probably not for long. I'm having a miscarriage. That's why I'm bleeding."

His face went through about half a dozen emotions in just as many seconds. Even with the water burning hot and pouring down, he leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, his legs propped up, arms over his knees. I knelt down next to him, trying to ignore the pink tinge of the water.

"Where are you at right now?" I asked, putting my hand on his forearm. He covered it with his own.

"I...don't know."

"Alright. I'm gonna scrub down real fast and get dressed, okay?" He nodded. I stood up and soaped up a washcloth.

There was nothing I could do to stop it. Experience was the only thing driving me. All I could do was settle in and wait for it to be over.

Brian didn't move as I rinsed off and got out. I left the water on, although I don't think he would have noticed or cared if I shut it off.

I layered two heavy duty pads in some underwear and pulled on a pair of Brian's sweats and one of his old tour shirts. He came in, soaking wet, with no towel, just as I managed to crawl onto the bed.

I laid there patiently while he paced, lazily drying himself off with my discarded towel. He continuously rubbed his wrists as he did so, one after the other. On the side of his neck, I realized it wasn't hickeys that I'd noticed, but bruises. Four of them, perfect ovals, on one side, and one on the other.

I knew if I had asked, he would have told me, but I didn't because I didn't want to know. What he and my brother did was between them. I'd just never seen any marks before.

Or maybe I just ignored them.

"Brian, sit down. Please." I asked gently. "Sit with me." I held my hand out to him.

He took it and sat. I rubbed my thumb over the welt on his wrist. He wouldn't look at me.

"How are you so calm?"

"I've been through this before. I'm in a lot of fucking pain, but it's a hurry up and wait game. Most times I don't even go to the hospital."

"What do you do?"

"Shower. Comfy clothes. Granny underwear and pads. Junk food. Pain killers."

"Jesus, Lor." He swiped his hands through his hair, making it stick up more than it already was.

"What if I hadn't come down?"

"You'd need a new couch."

"That's not funny."

I had to remind myself that he had never gone through this before, and I had, too many times.

"Brian, it is what it is. Basic biology. For whatever reason, I'm not meant to be a mother. I've made peace with it."

"Yeah, but-" I cut him off with a kiss. I didn't want him going down the road he was on.

"It's no one's fault. Now, if you wanna be helpful, you can help me get comfortable. " I ran my hand across his head, down his hair, and along his jaw, leaving my thumb to rest on his mouth. I kissed him again, begging him not to blame himself.

He pulled away, too quick for comfort. He let go of my hand and stood up to get dressed.

He went all out, putting on boxers, sweats, and a shirt, covering up most of the evidence Jason had left behind.

"What do you need?" He asked, clearing his throat. He was ready to go down the stairs, refusing to look at me.

I sighed. It was going to be a long couple of days.

I spouted off a short list. He nodded and stepped out.

"Brian," I mumbled before he made it to the stairs. He stopped. "I love you."

He turned his head, looking at me over his shoulder with the saddest brown eyes I'd ever seen. "Me too."

My chest tightened and my stomach rolled. I waited for him to be out of sight before going over and retching into the trash can he kept by the desk.

It was the first time he hadn't said it back.