You belong among the wildflowers

She stared down at the fragile creature resting against her knees, moving slightly as the man next to her shifted the pillows that were behind her back, trying to make her more comfortable. The girl blinked her eyes looking away briefly before she allowed tears to flow from her pale blue eyes once more. Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of her life, of their lives, it was supposed to be joyous and filled with love and happiness. None of those emotions were currently being felt as she raised her right hand cautiously and touched his soft brown hair, pulling her bottom lip under her top teeth she bit down, hard, trying not to let a noise escape her lips. It was almost an impossible task, one that she knew she’d fail at any minute but she continued to try as she shifted her eyes down to his perfect blue lips. Seeing them reality set in almost completely and sobs broke through the barrier she tried to set with her teeth.

“Eloise, baby, it’s time.” A shaky voice said next to her, in her clouded daze she knew it was her fiancé.

The blonde felt her head move, signaling a ‘no’, that she was in fact not ready for what was to come pulled her child closer to her chest. She had only just been able to hold him, to look at him and now, now they wanted to take him away. She had waited months for the moment she was able to hold him in her arms and now that short time was over. Trying to still wrap her head around the last twenty-four hours seemed unrealistic; it felt like a nightmare, one that she couldn’t wake up from. She could still hear the doctors’ calm but panicked voice in her head, telling her everything was going to by fine as they tried everything. Yet, the frail creature didn’t cry. His lips stayed blue, his eyes never opened. She wanted that mental imagine to leave her head, she was desperate for a happier moment, something more than what she had.

“Ellie,” the voice said once more, “They have to take him.”

“No.” she whispered.

“We can come back, if you need more time.” The nurse said, her voice dripping in sympathy.

“No.” she whispered once again.

The man wrapped his arms around her and pulled his family into his own body. He wanted to hold on to this moment, it was going to be the only one he had. He planned to try and forget everything but this moment, the one where he held her and their son and forget the rest. Taking his body into his arms, he carefully handed him off to the nurse waiting and turned back to his fiancée. Curling herself into a ball, she turned away as the nurse put the child into the bassinet and wheeled him from her hospital room. Feeling the weight on the edge of the bed, she knew her fiancé was sitting down; she knew he was going to try and comfort her. Feeling his arm wrapping around her body, she stiffened, she couldn’t relax into his touch.

“Matthew, let go of me.”

“Ellie” he sighed, she could hear the sadness in his voice. “I lost him too.”

“Not like I did.” She seethed, “I failed him, my body failed him.”

“Shhh, you couldn’t have known.”

The following days quickly passed by as a blur and before Eloise could take the time to breathe and collect her thoughts, those days had turned into weeks and then months. Life had appeared to return to how it was before they was expecting but something felt off to Eloise. She plugged back into her daily routines; trying to push the emptiness she was feeling to the back of her mind. She saw how it appeared for Matthew, he seemed to be able to let everything go faster than she could have ever expected. She was hurt and confused. It led her to believe he was never on the same page as she was. Six months to the day of their child’s death, Eloise asked Matthew to postpone their wedding. It had become the second time she decided she wasn’t ready to marry him. The first was due to the fact she did not want to be pregnant on their wedding day. Matthew knew something was wrong with Eloise, he could tell by the fact she shuttered at his touch but he never pressed her about it.
“Matthew, we need to talk.” Eloise sighed one night about eight months after the event, putting down the letter she was holding in her hands.

Matthew looked up at her and set down the book he was reading, “What’s up?”

“I got the residency at UCLA medical center.” The girl whispered.

“Ellie, I thought we talked about you staying here in Boston?” Matthew replied

Nodding, Eloise knew they had discussed her staying at Massachusetts General Hospital for her residency. She had already been accepted into their program since she had done her internship there but that was before. So much had happened in the last year, Eloise need a change. She had applied for the UCLA Medical Center shortly after her life was turned upside down. The blonde knew the chances of her getting the residency were slim but she thought maybe California was the change she needed.

“I need to take this residency, Matthew.” She finally said, avoiding his gaze.

“Don’t be irrational, let’s think about it and weigh out the pros and cons.”

“I’m not being irrational.” Eloise instead, “Matthew, I’ve been miserable the last year. I think this will be good for me.”

“And what about us? What about how this will affect me? Also we can’t keep postponing our wedding, do you even want to get married?” Matthew asked, the annoyance of the conversation dripping from his voice.

She stayed quiet for a minute, thinking over his questions. Eloise was no longer sure they had a future. Sure, she loved Matthew but it was not in the same way she used too. Marriage seemed to no longer be on the table, at least for her between the two of them. She had known that since the day they left the hospital. Matthew went through the motions of a caring and supportive partner but not with the things that mattered to her. He wasn’t supportive of her postpartum therapy, calling it a waste of money. Matthew wasn’t supportive when she decided to return to work, saying if she needed therapy she needed more time. He didn’t want her to appear weak, when she was only being human.

“I don’t see a future with you anymore.” She finally said, this time making eye contact with him. “I don’t want to marry you and I’m going to take this residency.”