Feel My Memories Fade

“Emily, please…” Brian began, his face was an absolute picture in this moment. “don’t overreact, I just wanted to see you. It’s been so long why do you have to be like this?”

I began storming towards him angrily, irate from his complete and utter shitty throwaway comment. He refused to budge though and I took this a challenge, he was always more than happy for a fight.

“I can’t believe how obtuse you are!” I was slowly loosing my cool, not giving a shit that we currently had an audience. He didn’t deserve the time of day as far I was concerned. “You seriously think that you can waltz back into my life without a second thought? Like seriously? Do you not remember how you completely fucked me up before, Brian?” he opened his mouth to reply but I didn’t give him the chance. “Do you know what? I’m so sick and tired of all you lot thinking that I overreacted when you left, but they don’t know the truth do they, huh?”

I was crying by this point, the tears stung my eyes as I fought to keep my composure. I would not breakdown in front of him again, make myself look like a fool in front of him, again. His expression softened when he noticed that my cheeks were wet.

“Em, don’t cry. Please.” he murmured softly in that velvety soft voice of his. He attempted to wrap his around me, but I recoiled before he could get anywhere close to me and pushed him away with such a venom that it shocked me.

“Don’t touch me.” I spat as I wiped my eyes with my jacket sleeve. The reality of the situation was sickening. Here was the man who I thought was worthy of my love, my time and someone who I considered giving my whole life too. However, yet again, here he was trying to cover his own ass so that other people wouldn't think he was a scumbag.

I turned and looked at our friends and family, who were stood, slack jawed and completely speechless. A bitter laugh crept it’s way up into my throat causing Kate to shot me a pleading look, begging me not to reveal what I was about, but I needed to get it off my chest.

“Do you know why I hate this man so much? Do you really want to know why I won’t give the fucker my time?!” I screeched, pointing at Brian. However it didn’t seem like anyone was up for talking so I took the initiative. “Cat got your tongues eh?”

I felt sick to my core, but I had to tell them. I had been hiding this terrible secret for so long, silently let it eat away at me, just so that I could protect Brian, and for what? Nothing at all. So that someone could carry on living their own blissful ignorance?

Brian’s gaze locked with mine, he was silently begging me, pleading with me not to do this. It was a silent way of telling me that once i had said it, that there was no going back.

“Emily…”

I held my hand up to his face silencing him, before turning back to everyone else. “Do you know why I hate this man so much? The man who you all think can do no wrong?” Still no answer so I continued on my warpath. “I fucking loved you Brian, but all you caused me was a lifetime of heartache and pain, it was such a waste of my life and I despise you for it. I stood by patiently waiting for you to come home at night after practice, sometimes till the early hours of the morning and you know I did, but that didn’t make a blind bit of difference now, did it? you were more preoccupied with fucking cheap whores! Did the famous Synyster Gates ever tell you how we lost a baby, me lying there writhing in agony whilst on the phone to him, crying my heart out. In fact begging him to come… and do you know what he said to me?”

I looked Brian, who was now in fact crying himself.

“He said go tell someone who gives a shit, I have things to do, girls to fuck.” I could practically feel him cringing as soon as the words left my mouth.

By this point, I was panting, struggling to control my breathing. I was convinced that I would go into full on anxiety mode at any moment, but in that moment, telling the truth felt so freeing. A giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

My mom was sobbing now, I could hear her in the background of my thoughts as I continued to stand there, frozen to the spot. I noticed there was a lot of white noise which I vaguely registered as yelling, but everything seemed like a blur. I remember reading this article a while back. It about people having outer body experiences and right now, I felt exactly like that, I didn’t feel like I was in control of my body.

“Emily, come on, babe. Let’s get you inside.” It was Zacky’s voice that snapped me out of my daydream, his voice gentle as he wrapped his arms around me and carefully helped steer me towards the house. I didn’t argue with him as he guided me into the safety of the house.