Curses and Cream Puffs

Lena was nervous and hoped it didn’t show. Damien’s mother kept up most of the conversation; his father mostly sat there looking bored while he ate; Louis just scowled the entire time and Lena tried not to look at either of them too much or think about how many witches they’d probably killed.

“So, my dear, how did your parents take the news of your elopement? I must say, we were rather taken aback.”

“Oh, well. My parents passed away years ago,” Lena said, as casually as she could. Emelia choked slightly on the wine she’d been sipping. It was the closest to inelegant that Lena had seen her all night.

“I’m terribly sorry,” Emelia said. “A young girl, living all alone like that for so long.”

“Yes, but thankfully not anymore. Now that I’ve found such a wonderful man to take care of me.” She has made it a point to exaggeratedly fawn over Damien through the whole evening, partly to sell their lie of being a married couple; and partly because it made his ears turn red whenever she did. Even now he shot her a sideways glance but Lena wasn’t done.

“It was practically love at first sight,” she went on, batting her lashes at him dreamily. “He was just so brave and gallant. We just knew we could never bear to be parted.”

Emelia sighed wistfully. “Oh, that’s so terribly romantic. Rupert, isn’t that beautiful?”

Rupert continued to eat his roasted chicken, apparently less impressed with the story than his wife. Emelia looked annoyed, jabbing him with her elbow again.

“What? Oh, yes. Very nice.”

Emelia rolled her eyes and returned her attention to Lena, her expression softening. “I will admit that I didn’t know what to expect when Damien brought home a mystery wife but you’re quite lovely. We simply must introduce you to society. I’m so pleased one of my sons found a nice girl to settle down with. I was beginning to worry about them, you know. I want to know my boys are looked after, and hopefully having their own children to pass our name to.”

“Oh, of course. I’m sure we’ll be working on those grandchildren right away,” Lena said and Damien’s entire face went scarlet. He set his fork down a little too hard. Louis had looked like he was sucking on a lemon all through the meal but now smirked slightly at Damien’s reaction.

“What’s the matter, little brother? Don’t you know how to consummate a marriage?” he taunted. Emelia shot him a disapproving look and elbowed him too.

“I won’t have that kind of crude talk at the dinner table,” she sniffed. “Don’t be rude in front of our guest.”

“Maybe it’s time for dessert,” Damien said in a strangled voice. Lena sipped her wine like nothing had happened.

“Louis, you should be looking for a nice wife too,” Emelia remarked. Louis looked unimpressed.

“We can’t all be picking up wives while we’re on assignment,” he muttered. Lena couldn’t quite tell if he was suspicious of their story, or jealous that Damien was receiving so much praise and attention. Probably a bit of both, she decided. The way he looked at her made her hackles raise; he was always simultaneously glaring and leering and it took a great deal of her willpower not to bring the chicken on his plate back to life so it could peck him on the nose.

A maid came and cleared their dinner plates, and another replaced them with small mugs of coffee and delicate plates with pieces of cake on them.

“I believe Damien mentioned that you bake, Lena?” Emelia asked, arranging a napkin over her lap.

“Yes. I was a baker before I came here with Damien.”

“She’s very good,” Damien added. They made it through some more small talk over cake and coffee, and finally Damien said it was getting late and they should go home.

“Time to work on those grandkids, right Damien?” Louis asked, smirking again. Damien ignored him and Lena linked her arm with his as Emelia walked them to the door.

“You have to come visit again,” she was gushing. “I’m just so relieved that Damien found such a nice, normal girl.”

Lena barely managed to swallow a laugh at that and Damien just coughed slightly.

“What exactly did you expect, Mom? An old woman who makes taxidermy squirrels?”

“Well...I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anyway. She’s a delight. I’m very happy for you.” She leaned up and kissed Damien’s cheek before engulfing Lena in a surprisingly enthusiastic hug. Lena almost felt bad that they were lying to her about their marriage, but then her gaze flicked to Rupert and Louis, lurking awkwardly behind Emelia and looking like they wanted to be anywhere else, and it was hard to feel too guilty when she knew that Damien’s family would kill her if they knew the truth. His creepy brother would probably kill Damien too and be glad to do it.

“So, do you think they bought it?” Lena asked.

“Yeah, I think you really sold it with the grandkids,” he muttered. Lena laughed and nudged him.

“Come on, Damien. We’re supposed to be newlyweds, madly in love, eager to begin our life together. And I had to be in love enough for the both of us because you mostly sat there blushing and being shy.” She nudged him again.

“I must have missed the day in training when we went over how to fake being married.”

“Consider this your crash course.” Lena grinned. “You have to make it believable, Damien. I can’t be the only one trying to make this marriage work.”

They approached the house and Lena let out a startled yip as Damien suddenly lifted her off her feet.

“What are you doing?” she demanded.

“Carrying you over the threshold,” he said.

“There’s no one around to see you acting husbandly now,” Lena replied, rolling her eyes.

“Hey, I proposed tonight and you met my family. May as well keep up the traditions.” He fumbled the door open, having to bat the fabric of her skirt out of the way to get to the doorknob.

“Very romantic. My hero,” Lena exclaimed, going limp and pretending to swoon dramatically. “Maybe you should carry me around more often. I’m a high society lady now, I shouldn’t have to do so much walking.”

“Anything for you, dear,” Damien replied, looking both exasperated and amused.

“I don’t like dear. We’re going to need better pet names. Dear is too...grandmother-like. How about you call me ‘my goddess,’ and I’ll call you ‘schmoopy.’”

“Schmoopy?” Damien made a face. “Why do you get goddess and I get schmoopy?”

“Because you are a schmoopy,” Lena said in a sugary voice, ruffling his hair. His expression made her laugh so hard that he almost dropped her and Lena finally realized that he was still holding her, and he seemed to notice at the same time. He gently set her down, looking flustered again.

“Sorry,” he said.

“It’s okay.”

“I wrinkled your dress.”

“It’s fine. It’s an old dress anyway. Your mother’s clothes are much nicer.”

“No, it...you look nice.”

“Oh, well, thank you. Would you like some tea before bed?”

“You don’t need to go to that much trouble.”

“I don’t mind. I feel sort of bad that I’ve stolen your room. I don’t know how you sleep down here.”

“It’s not so bad. I don’t mind you being in my bedroom. Ah. I mean, I don’t mind you borrowing my room. To sleep in.”

“Right.” One of her hairpins had fallen out and Lena nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ll just, um, make that tea then I suppose.”

“Right, yes. Tea. Sounds great.”

Lena cocked her head slightly. “I need to get by.”

“Oh, so you do. Sorry.” He scooted out of her way so that she could slip into the kitchen and she hoped he didn’t notice that her cheeks were pink.