Someone Lost, Something Gained

Time crawls. Days are spent without Niall - he warned her, back when he told her he was going to school again, that their time together would be minimal. Veda can’t be upset. She’s proud of him for following his dreams. She’s selfish enough to admit that she wishes it didn’t come at such a steep cost.

Between his studies and picking up extra shifts, and her own schedule, they barely even talk over the next month. A few texts here and there, meeting up for lunch once or twice, and a single night that she spends in his bed. That’s all they have together.

She knows she can’t ask him for more. Making him feel guilty is the last thing she wants to do. His career is far more important than anything she could ever bring to his life. So she focuses on work and helps Hattie with preparing for her final exams of the term.

“I... I’ve been thinking about going back to school.”

Hattie pauses in the middle of writing then sets her pen down. “For what?”

“To get my degree.”

“Well, no duh. I meant, what would your degree be in?”

“I dunno,” Veda admits, shrugging. She hasn’t thought that far ahead.

“You should go for nursing.”

“No. Definitely not. It’s hard enough having my job, seeing these people in pain or ill. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to actually take care of them. It was draining doing it for Granddad.”

“Hmm. Maybe you could do, like, physical therapy? You’re already somewhat in the medical sector, and I’m sure Saint Francis has a rehab program for patients.”

“Why are we even talking about this?” Veda groans as she lets her head thunk to the tabletop. “I said I was considering it, not that I was actually gonna.”

“Because you know damn well that Grandpa wanted you to do more with your life than just skate by. More than just taking care of him. He would’ve loved to see you get a degree in a field you enjoy.”

Veda exhales sharply, but the words come out harsher than even she expects. “Yes, well, he’ll never see it, will he? So what’s the fucking point?”

“The point is, asshole, you could be happier.” Hattie’s eyes fill with tears, and her voice wobbles as she says, “You could be greater than a registrar. You could help people more. But hey, what do I know? I’m just the cousin already in school for forensic sciences. So fuck you, Veda.”

“Hattie—”

But Hattie is already gathering up her books and pens, storming out of the house. In the echoes of the door slamming shut, Veda wonders what she’s just done.

She is sat on the couch when her cousin comes home. Hattie won’t talk to her; she barely looks in Veda’s direction before going upstairs. Veda can’t swallow past the lump in her throat or the tight leaden weight in her chest.

She should never have lashed out like that. All Hattie wanted was to help. Instead, she’d gotten Veda biting her head off. Reminding her their grandfather was dead, and he will never witness anything his granddaughters accomplish.

Veda locks the front door and climbs up the stairs on shaky knees. She mindlessly goes through the routine of getting ready for bed - teeth brushed, changed into pyjamas, in between the sheets. She can’t even text Niall. If she does, it’ll distract him from his studies - or worse, she’ll tell him what she’s done, and he’ll be disgusted by her.

The tears come once her head hits the pillow.

“You’d be so ashamed of me, Granddad,” she whispers, sniffing against the tears though they don’t stop. “I was a knife, not a spoon.”

She falls asleep still crying, still fighting the violence of the guilt.

An arm drapes over her waist, a face pressing into her back. Even half-asleep, Veda recognises the lilac of Hattie’s body wash. She links her fingers with her cousin’s and squeezes. The moonlight through the window tells her it’s late in the night.

“I’m sorry I pushed so hard, V.”

Veda swallows down a manic laugh. “Don’t be. I’m the one who should be sorry. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I’m just - Hatchling, I’m terrified. Everything has changed so much in such a short time. I feel like I don’t know where to go from here.”

“What do you mean?” Hattie murmurs, and Veda sighs, tugging the edge of her pillow over her face.

“I disappointed Granddad by dropping out. We don’t have any family left. And if I go back to school, Niall will definitely break up with me because we’ll literally have no time for each other.”

Hattie snorts, her arm tightening around Veda. “First of all, you didn’t disappoint Grandpa. He was so proud of you for everything you’d done, even with Olivia as your mother. I watched the videos, V. He was more proud of you than you’ll ever know. Second, fuck our family. We’ve got each other, don’t we?”

“Yeah, we do,” whispers Veda as she sniffles.

“That’s all we need. We’re the two black sheep of the family - is it sheep? Or sheeps? I can never remember how to pluralise ‘sheep’. Anyway. No matter what, I’m always gonna have your back, even when you’re being a downright bitch.”

“And Niall?”

“V, honey, sweetheart, dumbass. You could tell him you were moving to live with nudist cannibalistic lepers, and he’d follow you in a heartbeat. Nonna didn’t lie, okay? He looks at you like you’re everything he’ll ever need in his life. He looks at you like you’re the entire world.”

They fall silent for a while. Veda draws comfort from her cousin’s warmth behind her, the steady cadence of their breathing. The knowledge she hasn’t made Hattie want to leave. A strong wind rattles the window, and the curtains sway in the breeze that slips through the cracks. Veda makes a mental note to seal the frame better.

“I told him I love him.”

“And I’m sure he said it back, so don’t worry so much.” Hattie lets out a soft laugh, scooting closer. “You two are disgusting, okay? I don’t think that will change just because you go to school.”

“Hattie?” Veda murmurs after a few seconds of quiet. Hattie hums in response. “Thanks. So… what’s going on between you and Liam?”

“Go to sleep, Veda. You’re delirious.”

“I saw you two at Niall’s birthday party. Then again at the block party. And again at Thanksgiving. You were pretty chummy with each other.”

Hattie sighs and swats at Veda’s belly. “If I tell you, will you go the fuck to sleep?”

“I promise.”

“We’re seeing where it goes.” Hattie yawns widely. “Nothing concrete at the moment.”

“Hattie?”

“This isn’t going to sleep, Veda.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, you damn pest.”

Veda bites her bottom lip to stem her giggles. “Hattie?”

“Oh. My. God. What?”

“I’m happy for you.”

Even Hattie can’t fight the laughter that bubbles up. It takes a moment, but then she’s letting out a soft breath. “I’m happy, too. He’s a good kisser.”

“No details.”

“What, don’t wanna hear how weak in the knees he makes me or how I want to jump his bones every time I see him?” Hattie lifts up onto one elbow so she can speak directly into Veda’s ear. “Wonder what he’s packing under those clothes of his. If it’s anything like what I’ve felt so far, it’s gonna be amazing.”

“Oh, my God! You disgusting little cretin! Go to sleep, jeez.”

Hattie blows into Veda’s ear, ignoring the way her cousin squeals in disgust. “You started it.”

Veda raises her arm and shoves at Hattie over her shoulder. Hattie falls backwards onto the bed with a shriek. They both lose control, giggling like schoolgirls at their first slumber party. It’s what Veda needed - the unspoken assurance that Hattie is still here, and what Veda nearly broke can be fixed. Has been fixed.

She falls asleep to Hattie’s back pressed to hers and the feeling that everything will be alright.

The weather grows colder, but children still play outside. Skipping rope, hopscotch, games of hide-and-seek that go awry when Catalina nearly trips over Xavier where he hides on by her bins. Veda drags the armchair to the window where it always was before and watches the world pass. It’s familiar, something she’s known since she was young.

It’s as much a part of her as Granddad ever was.

Cardboard black cats and jack-o-lanterns line the stoops, bats and ghosts hang from the eaves, and Halloween approaches with gusto. Hattie and Veda bring home bags of sweets every day for a week until they realise there is enough to give away to a small country. Neither had realised the other was increasing the supply.

“Miss Veda, your boyfriend’s coming!”

Veda glances up from where she’s winding strings of orange lights around the door. True to Louisa’s word, Niall is making his way down the pavement. Her heart could burst with how he greets the adults and high-fives Carlos and Xavier.

How willing he is to skip rope for a moment, darting in and out with ease.

He even participates in hopscotch with Nelly without spilling anything from the to-go cups in his hands.

“You look good playing with them,” she says as he climbs the stairs. He grins and steps into her space. “Seriously. I never thought you could fit in here. If you hadn’t noticed, we’re a very tight-knit community, and we’re a bit snobby when it comes to who we let be a member.”

He chuckles at the dainty sniff, the way she sticks her nose in the air in a mimicry of the stuffy elite. “I’m honoured to belong. Now kiss me, I’ve missed you.”

Veda laughs and does as he oh-so-politely demands. He tastes of coffee and mint. Pulling back, she gives the cups a pointed look.

“One of those better be for me.”

He chuckles and passes one over. A frown tugs at his lips before he takes it back, replacing it with the other. “Of course it is. I wouldn’t dream of coming over without fuelling your caffeine addiction.”

“Not an addiction,” she corrects. “Just a need for caffeine every hour of every day of my life. And you.”

“And you say I’m perfect.” He glances at the string of lights hanging limply around the door frame. “Want some help?”

“Oh, god, yes. Please. I’ll pay you in kisses.”

His laugh is beautiful and everything she wants to hear for the rest of her existence. He sets their coffees aside and grabs up the tacks. They work together easily, and soon enough, Veda is plugging in the lights and stepping back to admire their handiwork.

“Not bad, Horan. Not bad at all.”

“Where’s my payment?”

“I love you,” she whispers before tugging him in for a kiss. He huffs out a laugh, deepening the kiss. The unspoken words paint her world a brilliant blue - the shade of his eyes in the sunlight.

“I love you, too.”

Hattie pokes her head out of the door. “Oh, goody. You two are being gross. Now come on, we have to get the webs hung up and bowls filled.”

Veda giggles and leads him inside for the massive pile of cottony cobwebs. Liam grins from where he’s pressing cauldron and witch stickers to the front window. She pats his shoulder as she gathers up the last of the outdoor decorations.

Lowering herself onto the stoop two hours later, Veda situates the bowl of sweets at her feet and watches as children pour from their homes. Families come from all around, even outside of the neighbourhood. She shivers, wrapping her jacket more tightly around herself, even as she drops a handful of candies into plastic pumpkins.

She chews on the inside of her cheek then leans into Niall’s side. “I’m going back to school.”

“What brought this on?” he murmurs, and she can hear the frown in his voice. Is he unhappy?

She shrugs and fakes shock when Xavier approaches, followed closely by Nelly. “Oh, gosh, Xavey, you look awesome! Best Transformer I’ve ever seen. And Nelly, you look ready to blast off into space. Such an amazing astronaut you are. I think that deserves two KitKats each.”

“Thanks, Miss Veda!” the kids say in unison before rushing down the stairs in search of more candy.

She sighs, shifting the bowl between her feet. “I just… I want to make Granddad proud of me. I want to finish what I started before I started taking care of him. Different degree, but still. A degree.”

He doesn’t speak. Veda doesn’t look at him. If she sees the disappointment in his eyes, she’ll change her mind. She has to follow through with this, even if it costs her happiness. The breeze blows by sharply, whipping her hair around her face.

“I know this means we’ll get a lot less time together. I hate that. But this is what I want to do. If it means you decide you need someone who can actually be there, well, I understand.”

His hand encircles her wrist, fingers gentle and so large in comparison to her bone structure. She knows so well how much love he holds in his touch. She doesn’t want to lose him.

“I love you,” he says. “You, silly woman. Less time doesn’t mean less feelings. It means just that. Less time. And guess what? Five seconds with you in my arms is a helluva lot better than no time at all.”

“So we’re not breaking up?” she whispers. Doubt swirls in her mind, makes her second-guess her choice and his reassurance.

Niall snorts and nudges her with his shoulder. “If we didn’t break up when I said I was going back to school, why would we now? It’s my turn to be proud of you, even though I have been since we met.”

“God, I fucking love you. So much. Hey, Hatchling, you wanna finish passing out candy?”

Hattie comes to the door, laughs without humour. “Hell no. You and your boyfriend can sit out there in the cold. I, on the other hand, will stay nice and warm inside with my boyfriend.”

Veda groans then narrows her eyes at her cousin. “No defiling the couch. That’s communal property.”

“Surprised you haven’t already.”

“How dare you,” gasps Veda in fake outrage. “I am a lady. I deserve a bed at least.”

“Or the backseat of a car?”

“Okay, first of all, we never had sex in the backseat of the car. We were interrupted.” She turns to Niall and raises a brow at his reddened cheeks. “Second, you told Liam?”

Niall shrugs. “In my defence, he asked why I was, how’d he put it, acting like I had a dick up my arse.”

“So you think telling him was the right course of action?”

“Sorry?”

She sighs and kisses his cheek. “Ugh, I can’t be mad at you. I told El. Probably woulda told Hattie, too, if she wasn’t my cousin.”

“I thank you for not ruining my life,” Hattie calls as she moves further into the house.

Finally, the stream of trick-or-treaters dies down. Veda waits another ten minutes then blows out a breath of relief. Oohing and ahhing over dozens of costumes has gotten repetitive. She picks up the two bowls they’ve gone through tonight, carrying them inside, while Niall locks the doors.

“Someone better have held back at least one bag, or I might lose my mind,” she whines as she collapses onto the couch.

“It wasn’t that bad, shut up.”

“Excuse me?” She turns her head to glare at her cousin. “You aren’t the one who had to watch all the candy go bye-bye into the hands of little kids instead of your mouth. You stayed inside with Liam dearest and watched - Jesus, Chucky? Turn it off.”

Niall sits on the floor beside her legs, pressing a kiss to her knee. “Don’t like horror films?”

“I do. But Chucky is so overrated.”

“Then what do you suggest, your royal Highness?”

Veda doesn’t respond to Hattie, only pushes herself to her feet. Her fingers trails along the shelf of DVDs until she finds the one that’s most likely to traumatise Hattie - simply because Hattie has been so mean tonight, not handing out candy while Veda took Niall up to bed.

By the time Pet Sematary ends, Liam and Veda are the only two who have shown any interest or investment in the film. Hattie slowly pulls the throw pillow away from her face, lobbing it at her cousin. Veda giggles and tosses the pillow into the armchair. She runs her fingers through Niall’s hair, frowning when he doesn’t react. Has she scarred him for life?

He follows her upstairs without a word, and the shower they share is just as silent. Veda slides soap-slick hands along his back, around to his chest. The hair under her palms tickles, but she doesn’t stop touching him. She’s wanted to do this all evening.

Niall finally makes a sound, one that sends Veda’s blood boiling. His breath comes out on a stuttering gasp, and she presses herself closer into his back. It doesn’t last long, but she doesn’t mind. The water washes the evidence down the drain.

“You’re trouble,” he groans as she drags her hands along his waist.

“You love me.”

“I do.”

God, she aches to hear that phrase again.

Instead of speaking it aloud, she helps him rinse the soap from his skin, linking their fingers together. She whispers an I love you before kissing him softly. And she does. So much more than she could ever say.

She doesn’t point out that he clings to her more tightly than usual as they fall asleep.