Status: Updated a couple of times weekly
What He Left Behind
Four
When I wake the next morning, not that I can be certain I even slept, my entire body feels heavy and lethargic. I am overwhelmed by that all too familiar sense of despair, most likely triggered by last night’s events. That alone makes me want to go straight back to sleep. Unfortunately though, I don’t have the luxury of being able to stay in bed all day.
I sit up and glance around Stan’s room, which is covered from floor to ceiling in bass and guitar paraphernalia and various other band merchandise. It’s 9am and there is no noise coming from downstairs, so I assume the guys are all still sleeping. At least that gives me a chance to sneak out without making a fuss. Clambering out of bed, I pick up my bag before going into the bathroom across the hall. I slip out of my pyjama shorts and old t-shirt I slept in and change into black jeans and an oversized comfy jumper. Then I untie my hair and run a brush through it, but quickly shove it up into a bun again when I realise how greasy it is. Before I make my escape, I listen carefully just to ensure there is still no sign of life downstairs. Thankfully there isn’t. When I feel this capricious and irritable, I’m not sure I’d have the patience to tolerate anyone complaining about their hangover.
---
Monday arrives and my mood, if anything, has gotten worse. I hate Charlie for inviting me to the show and I hate myself for agreeing and I hate Austin for everything. I want nothing more than to bury myself under a barricade of blankets and stay there for the foreseeable future, but that’s unfortunately not an option for me. I have no choice but to pull myself together and suck it up. I take a deep breath and then get myself ready for school, repeatedly counting to ten in a half-hearted attempt to collect my thoughts.
“Noelle,” my mom calls from her room. Sighing inwardly, I go downstairs to make her a cup of coffee and then take it to her room. I help her to sit up and bring the cup to her lips to let her drink from it. Days like today, I hate more than ever that I have to look after her. It pisses me off that she gets waited on when she’s having a bad day (i.e. always), yet on days where I’m not feeling great, I have no choice but to suck it up and get on. Mom’s quit her job and quit being a parent and quit life in general, but that’s not even an option for me. No matter how bad I’m feeling, I don’t have the time to fall apart.
Putting on a smile, I pick up my school bag and begin the walk to school. I don’t usually mind but it’s impossible to walk with any speed or enthusiasm when your whole body feels sluggish and even the slightest movement is torturous and exhausting.
When I finally reach the gates, I notice Charlie is in his usual spot across the tennis courts with his band and Tay and some other people I don’t know. Despite the fact I’m a good few metres away from him, his attention snaps in my direction almost as soon as I round the corner. It’s like he’s hyperaware of my presence. His chocolate eyes capture mine and as much as I don’t want anything to do with him, I find myself unable to break the stare.
The second he begins to stride purposefully in my direction, I snap out of it. My head is not in the right place to be speaking to anyone right now, much less Charlie. Forcing myself to move, I open the door to the school building and walk inside.
“Noelle!” Charlie calls, his voice demanding. I ignore him and carry on walking. Much to my dismay, he catches up, stepping in front of me and blocking my path.
“Can we talk?” he asks hopefully.
“There’s nothing to say Charlie,” I reply, an edge of finality to my voice, “I don’t wish to be involved with you or what you do so I’d appreciate if you just leave me alone now.”
With that, I step around him and walk quickly away, until I’m swallowed by the crowds of students in the corridor.
---
First and second period are hell. I feel so low that I can barely function. My thoughts have a habit of becoming a little overbearing, which creates a real problem when I’m unable to process anything the teacher says.
I have English third period. Having arrived early, I collapse into my seat and stare down at the desk, trying to drown out the constant noise and chatter of the other students in the room but it just won’t go away. Even when I sink down in my chair and squeeze my eyes shut, everyone around me is still too loud and too close.
Frustrated, I get out of my seat and tell the teacher I have to go to the bathroom. The cheerful grin I plaster to my face means he’s none the wiser. It’s too easy fooling people around this place.
Striding along the corridor in the direction of the bathroom, I rub my thumb in circles against my
index finger, a pointless habit I have when I get nervous.
Thankfully, it’s empty in the bathroom. I drop my bag down on the counter and splash my face with cold water, ordering myself to get my shit together. My hair is a mess from having run my hand through it five hundred times already this morning and my lips are sore from having chewed them so much. There are countless tell-tale signs that I’m struggling but no one watches me closely enough to notice them, not anymore at least.
After a few minutes, I’ve gathered my thoughts as best I can so get ready to head back to class. I jump when I open the door of the bathroom, startled to see Charlie waiting across the empty hall.
“What are you doing here?” I ask quietly, irritated that he keeps appearing everywhere. I may have pulled myself together but that doesn’t mean I’m in the mood for his bullshit.
“English was boring. I thought I’d come and see what you were doing.”
“Going to the bathroom,” I say, confused, “What did you think I was doing?”
He grins, his eyes wide with an innocent expression. “I just wanted to check.”
“Great,” I mutter dryly, “I ask you to leave me alone and you respond by turning into a stalker.”
“Noelle, you can’t just tell me to leave you alone.”
“And why is that?” I ask dubiously. “I’ll give it to you straight Charlie. I’m here to get the grades I need and to stay out of trouble. It seems like all you care about is hooking up with girls and getting into trouble. That’s not the kind of thing I want to get caught up in so I think it’s best we just stay away from each other.”
“Give it to me straight, my ass,” he scoffs, a hostile air taking over him, “You don’t know anything about me. Besides, you had fun on Saturday, don’t even bother trying to convince me otherwise.”
“Okay yes, I was having fun,” I correct, “I was having fun until you started on the fucking cocaine and that’s when it all went downhill.”
“Everyone’s gotta unwind somehow Noelle! It’s not a big deal. Stop thinking of me differently because of one thing I do. That’s what all you people do round here and it pisses me off.”
I sigh, frustrated. I of all people know that taking drugs is not indicative of how nice of a person you are, but unfortunately Charlie doesn’t realise that. The simple truth is that I intend to stay away from him, not because I think he’s a bad person, but because I can’t put myself through this again.
“I need to get back to class,” I say calmly, trying to step around Charlie. Of course, he blocks my way; he sure does like to have the last word.
“Give me a fucking chance Noelle.”
“You asked me to hang out with you which I did. That was your chance.”
“But that’s not me. That’s not who I am. Let me prove that to you.”
“How do you plan on doing that?”
“Band practice tonight. You said you like our music. You can hear some new stuff, we can hang out and I promise no one there will get high.”
I look up at him, sucking my lips together.
He pouts and then smiles hopefully and says, “I’ll pick you up at 7?”
“Fine.”
---
Thankfully, my mood picks up for the rest of the day. Either that, or I’m just too good at supressing my emotions. I’m looking forward to tonight though. Without any mind-altering substances involved, it should be fun. Underneath all my bitterness and hostility, I am quite a sociable outgoing person, believe it or not. I need something to distract me from the train wreck that my family has become.
Back in Detroit, I had a bunch of friends but I shut myself off from them when things started going downhill with Austin. I no longer had the time to go to parties or to concerts or to school football games, and so we ran out of things to talk about. I lost all desire to have friends so I ignored their calls and eventually they stopped calling.
When Austin was gone and the majority of the truth came out, suddenly everyone wanted to be my friend. People were sending me nice messages and inviting me out to things and people I’d never even spoken to before were offering condolences and shoulders to cry on and various other things that wouldn’t bring Austin back.
Here it is different. No one knows me and no one knows who Austin is. No one looks at me like I’m wounded and no one is scared to get on the wrong side of my volatile temper. I can start doing normal teenage things like I used to do before everything went wrong. This is my best shot at being the closest thing to ordinary. Maybe my dad was right for once; a new school and a new town do mean a new start.
---
“Hey doll,” Charlie grins as I open the passenger door to the van that evening, “You look good.”
“Thanks,” I grin.
“Tonight will be fun, I promise. You’ll enjoy it.”
“Where are we going?”
“Harvey and Adam’s place,” he answers.
“They live together?”
“They rented somewhere since a couple of months back. We were all fed up of our parents complaining every time we tried to practice. Now we have somewhere to play whenever we want.”
It isn’t long before Charlie kills the engine outside a small rundown house on the outskirts of Oak Park, the typically poorer side of town. Saying that, I think the whole of Oak Park is pretty rundown actually. I’m not sure a richer side of town exists in this place. Inside, it’s exactly what you’d expect from a couple of broke male musicians. It’s messy and disorganised, but having no real adults around means I don’t have to watch my potty mouth or avoid putting my feet up on the couch. It seems that pretty much anything goes at Harvey and Adam’s house.
As promised, I have a really fun evening. It’s clear to see how passionate all of the guys, not just Charlie, are about their music. They invest everything they have into their band and it really pays off. They’re perfectionists, particularly Charlie. Between songs they joke around and wind each other up and I realise they have a good group dynamic. Their personalities bounce off of each other. They have an almost perfect balance of fun and talent and energy and ambition. After a few hours of practicing, we sit down to chat and I find that despite how jerky Charlie in particular acts at school, they’re surprisingly easy to talk to. When it starts to get late, Charlie offers to walk me home since they’ve all had a little bit to drink.
“Thank you for inviting me Charlie,” I say honestly, “You guys are great.”
“Anytime sweetie, you’re not so bad yourself,” he teases. When we arrive outside my house, I’m strangely reluctant to leave. I haven’t been able to relax and have a laugh with people in such a long time. It’s actually quite a refreshing change. For once in my life, I feel like an ordinary high school kid. It’s definitely something I could get used to.
---
“Hey girl,” Amber greets when we meet before school the next morning, “Congratulations are in order, you’ve been here two weeks and you’ve already sent the rumour mill into overdrive.”
“How so?” I ask, not quite following.
“Oh gosh, I’ve heard everything from you hung out with Charlie Hemmingway to you slept with Charlie Hemmingway.”
“That escalated quickly,” I muse, “I hung out with him and his band, that’s it.”
“Glad to hear you took my advice.”
“Amber,” I laugh, “It’s not like anything happened.”
“I know but do you realise how much trouble that boy gets into?”
“I saw his band play. It’s not like I’m planning a bank robbery with him.”
“I guess,” she sighs, “Just be careful though. I know you’re smart but please don’t let him use you to get what he wants. For some reason, the girls in his place are all over him like a rash but he kicks them to the curb when he’s done. He knows how to talk the talk but he never wants anything to come from it. You’ve seen what he’s like.”
I replay the events of the other night, how his hand would sit slightly lower than it should on my back and how his eyes would periodically scan my body up and down. I’m no fool; it’s clear to me Charlie would sleep with anything that moves. But I’m also not the sort of person that is easily pressured into things I’m not comfortable with.
“Well, if Charlie thinks he can seduce me by turning on the charm and driving me home once in a while, he’s got another think coming. Two can play at his game.”
She grins a little. “Oh god, what are you planning?”
“You’ll see.”
I sit up and glance around Stan’s room, which is covered from floor to ceiling in bass and guitar paraphernalia and various other band merchandise. It’s 9am and there is no noise coming from downstairs, so I assume the guys are all still sleeping. At least that gives me a chance to sneak out without making a fuss. Clambering out of bed, I pick up my bag before going into the bathroom across the hall. I slip out of my pyjama shorts and old t-shirt I slept in and change into black jeans and an oversized comfy jumper. Then I untie my hair and run a brush through it, but quickly shove it up into a bun again when I realise how greasy it is. Before I make my escape, I listen carefully just to ensure there is still no sign of life downstairs. Thankfully there isn’t. When I feel this capricious and irritable, I’m not sure I’d have the patience to tolerate anyone complaining about their hangover.
---
Monday arrives and my mood, if anything, has gotten worse. I hate Charlie for inviting me to the show and I hate myself for agreeing and I hate Austin for everything. I want nothing more than to bury myself under a barricade of blankets and stay there for the foreseeable future, but that’s unfortunately not an option for me. I have no choice but to pull myself together and suck it up. I take a deep breath and then get myself ready for school, repeatedly counting to ten in a half-hearted attempt to collect my thoughts.
“Noelle,” my mom calls from her room. Sighing inwardly, I go downstairs to make her a cup of coffee and then take it to her room. I help her to sit up and bring the cup to her lips to let her drink from it. Days like today, I hate more than ever that I have to look after her. It pisses me off that she gets waited on when she’s having a bad day (i.e. always), yet on days where I’m not feeling great, I have no choice but to suck it up and get on. Mom’s quit her job and quit being a parent and quit life in general, but that’s not even an option for me. No matter how bad I’m feeling, I don’t have the time to fall apart.
Putting on a smile, I pick up my school bag and begin the walk to school. I don’t usually mind but it’s impossible to walk with any speed or enthusiasm when your whole body feels sluggish and even the slightest movement is torturous and exhausting.
When I finally reach the gates, I notice Charlie is in his usual spot across the tennis courts with his band and Tay and some other people I don’t know. Despite the fact I’m a good few metres away from him, his attention snaps in my direction almost as soon as I round the corner. It’s like he’s hyperaware of my presence. His chocolate eyes capture mine and as much as I don’t want anything to do with him, I find myself unable to break the stare.
The second he begins to stride purposefully in my direction, I snap out of it. My head is not in the right place to be speaking to anyone right now, much less Charlie. Forcing myself to move, I open the door to the school building and walk inside.
“Noelle!” Charlie calls, his voice demanding. I ignore him and carry on walking. Much to my dismay, he catches up, stepping in front of me and blocking my path.
“Can we talk?” he asks hopefully.
“There’s nothing to say Charlie,” I reply, an edge of finality to my voice, “I don’t wish to be involved with you or what you do so I’d appreciate if you just leave me alone now.”
With that, I step around him and walk quickly away, until I’m swallowed by the crowds of students in the corridor.
---
First and second period are hell. I feel so low that I can barely function. My thoughts have a habit of becoming a little overbearing, which creates a real problem when I’m unable to process anything the teacher says.
I have English third period. Having arrived early, I collapse into my seat and stare down at the desk, trying to drown out the constant noise and chatter of the other students in the room but it just won’t go away. Even when I sink down in my chair and squeeze my eyes shut, everyone around me is still too loud and too close.
Frustrated, I get out of my seat and tell the teacher I have to go to the bathroom. The cheerful grin I plaster to my face means he’s none the wiser. It’s too easy fooling people around this place.
Striding along the corridor in the direction of the bathroom, I rub my thumb in circles against my
index finger, a pointless habit I have when I get nervous.
Thankfully, it’s empty in the bathroom. I drop my bag down on the counter and splash my face with cold water, ordering myself to get my shit together. My hair is a mess from having run my hand through it five hundred times already this morning and my lips are sore from having chewed them so much. There are countless tell-tale signs that I’m struggling but no one watches me closely enough to notice them, not anymore at least.
After a few minutes, I’ve gathered my thoughts as best I can so get ready to head back to class. I jump when I open the door of the bathroom, startled to see Charlie waiting across the empty hall.
“What are you doing here?” I ask quietly, irritated that he keeps appearing everywhere. I may have pulled myself together but that doesn’t mean I’m in the mood for his bullshit.
“English was boring. I thought I’d come and see what you were doing.”
“Going to the bathroom,” I say, confused, “What did you think I was doing?”
He grins, his eyes wide with an innocent expression. “I just wanted to check.”
“Great,” I mutter dryly, “I ask you to leave me alone and you respond by turning into a stalker.”
“Noelle, you can’t just tell me to leave you alone.”
“And why is that?” I ask dubiously. “I’ll give it to you straight Charlie. I’m here to get the grades I need and to stay out of trouble. It seems like all you care about is hooking up with girls and getting into trouble. That’s not the kind of thing I want to get caught up in so I think it’s best we just stay away from each other.”
“Give it to me straight, my ass,” he scoffs, a hostile air taking over him, “You don’t know anything about me. Besides, you had fun on Saturday, don’t even bother trying to convince me otherwise.”
“Okay yes, I was having fun,” I correct, “I was having fun until you started on the fucking cocaine and that’s when it all went downhill.”
“Everyone’s gotta unwind somehow Noelle! It’s not a big deal. Stop thinking of me differently because of one thing I do. That’s what all you people do round here and it pisses me off.”
I sigh, frustrated. I of all people know that taking drugs is not indicative of how nice of a person you are, but unfortunately Charlie doesn’t realise that. The simple truth is that I intend to stay away from him, not because I think he’s a bad person, but because I can’t put myself through this again.
“I need to get back to class,” I say calmly, trying to step around Charlie. Of course, he blocks my way; he sure does like to have the last word.
“Give me a fucking chance Noelle.”
“You asked me to hang out with you which I did. That was your chance.”
“But that’s not me. That’s not who I am. Let me prove that to you.”
“How do you plan on doing that?”
“Band practice tonight. You said you like our music. You can hear some new stuff, we can hang out and I promise no one there will get high.”
I look up at him, sucking my lips together.
He pouts and then smiles hopefully and says, “I’ll pick you up at 7?”
“Fine.”
---
Thankfully, my mood picks up for the rest of the day. Either that, or I’m just too good at supressing my emotions. I’m looking forward to tonight though. Without any mind-altering substances involved, it should be fun. Underneath all my bitterness and hostility, I am quite a sociable outgoing person, believe it or not. I need something to distract me from the train wreck that my family has become.
Back in Detroit, I had a bunch of friends but I shut myself off from them when things started going downhill with Austin. I no longer had the time to go to parties or to concerts or to school football games, and so we ran out of things to talk about. I lost all desire to have friends so I ignored their calls and eventually they stopped calling.
When Austin was gone and the majority of the truth came out, suddenly everyone wanted to be my friend. People were sending me nice messages and inviting me out to things and people I’d never even spoken to before were offering condolences and shoulders to cry on and various other things that wouldn’t bring Austin back.
Here it is different. No one knows me and no one knows who Austin is. No one looks at me like I’m wounded and no one is scared to get on the wrong side of my volatile temper. I can start doing normal teenage things like I used to do before everything went wrong. This is my best shot at being the closest thing to ordinary. Maybe my dad was right for once; a new school and a new town do mean a new start.
---
“Hey doll,” Charlie grins as I open the passenger door to the van that evening, “You look good.”
“Thanks,” I grin.
“Tonight will be fun, I promise. You’ll enjoy it.”
“Where are we going?”
“Harvey and Adam’s place,” he answers.
“They live together?”
“They rented somewhere since a couple of months back. We were all fed up of our parents complaining every time we tried to practice. Now we have somewhere to play whenever we want.”
It isn’t long before Charlie kills the engine outside a small rundown house on the outskirts of Oak Park, the typically poorer side of town. Saying that, I think the whole of Oak Park is pretty rundown actually. I’m not sure a richer side of town exists in this place. Inside, it’s exactly what you’d expect from a couple of broke male musicians. It’s messy and disorganised, but having no real adults around means I don’t have to watch my potty mouth or avoid putting my feet up on the couch. It seems that pretty much anything goes at Harvey and Adam’s house.
As promised, I have a really fun evening. It’s clear to see how passionate all of the guys, not just Charlie, are about their music. They invest everything they have into their band and it really pays off. They’re perfectionists, particularly Charlie. Between songs they joke around and wind each other up and I realise they have a good group dynamic. Their personalities bounce off of each other. They have an almost perfect balance of fun and talent and energy and ambition. After a few hours of practicing, we sit down to chat and I find that despite how jerky Charlie in particular acts at school, they’re surprisingly easy to talk to. When it starts to get late, Charlie offers to walk me home since they’ve all had a little bit to drink.
“Thank you for inviting me Charlie,” I say honestly, “You guys are great.”
“Anytime sweetie, you’re not so bad yourself,” he teases. When we arrive outside my house, I’m strangely reluctant to leave. I haven’t been able to relax and have a laugh with people in such a long time. It’s actually quite a refreshing change. For once in my life, I feel like an ordinary high school kid. It’s definitely something I could get used to.
---
“Hey girl,” Amber greets when we meet before school the next morning, “Congratulations are in order, you’ve been here two weeks and you’ve already sent the rumour mill into overdrive.”
“How so?” I ask, not quite following.
“Oh gosh, I’ve heard everything from you hung out with Charlie Hemmingway to you slept with Charlie Hemmingway.”
“That escalated quickly,” I muse, “I hung out with him and his band, that’s it.”
“Glad to hear you took my advice.”
“Amber,” I laugh, “It’s not like anything happened.”
“I know but do you realise how much trouble that boy gets into?”
“I saw his band play. It’s not like I’m planning a bank robbery with him.”
“I guess,” she sighs, “Just be careful though. I know you’re smart but please don’t let him use you to get what he wants. For some reason, the girls in his place are all over him like a rash but he kicks them to the curb when he’s done. He knows how to talk the talk but he never wants anything to come from it. You’ve seen what he’s like.”
I replay the events of the other night, how his hand would sit slightly lower than it should on my back and how his eyes would periodically scan my body up and down. I’m no fool; it’s clear to me Charlie would sleep with anything that moves. But I’m also not the sort of person that is easily pressured into things I’m not comfortable with.
“Well, if Charlie thinks he can seduce me by turning on the charm and driving me home once in a while, he’s got another think coming. Two can play at his game.”
She grins a little. “Oh god, what are you planning?”
“You’ll see.”