The Rhythm of Our Broken Hearts (Andy/Matt)

Chapter Thirteen: Graveyard Dancing

Andy bit at his lip ring, waiting for the door to the back of the bus to open. He’d been planning what he’d say for the last twenty minutes, going back and forth between just punching Matt or letting him have it. He still wasn’t decided when the doorknob clicked, turning as the older man slowly pushed the door open.

His face looked tired, completely void of emotion as he shut the door behind him. The guitarist crossed his arms, leaning back against the wall, the lighter in between his fingers.

The singer swallowed hard; after the day he’d had, did he really want to get into another fight with Matt? The only person who had been consistently in his corner since day one? That’s why it hurt so bad that the man he went behind his back, told his secrets to a complete stranger. He was supposed to be able to trust Matt…

“Andy… listen…” The older man finally broke the silence, hanging his head and looking down at his feet.

“Fuck you. You went behind my back. You didn’t have any right to do that!” The singer shot back, cutting the man off.

Matt didn’t seem phased by the harsh words or tone; he just shrugged his shoulders. The lack of a reaction only made Andy’s emotions intensify, the worst part was he didn’t even know what he was feeling. The day had been such a whirlwind of emotions, his brain was exhausted, his heart heavy.

“No, Andy. You lied, not just to me, but to the doctor. You put yourself at risk, and because I love you, I had to tell the doctor.”

There were those words again. Only this time they didn’t bring the calmness and serenity they did before, it was only fuel to the fire. How could Matt love him, but betray his trust like that? There was a voice in the back of the singer’s brain telling him he was being irrational. If he was in Matt’s shoes, would he not have done the same thing?

“You don’t love me! You’re lying to me!” Andy yelled loud enough for the whole bus to hear. Someone’s voice was clearly back…

“Stop yelling,” Matt said in a flat tone, rubbing his temples. “I’m sorry you feel betrayed, but I’m not sorry for trying to protect you. You scared the shit out of me tonight, Andy.”

Andy opened his mouth to say something else, but Matt beat him to it. “Do you really want to fight with me right now? Cause that’s all we seem to do. Or do you want to drop the fucking bullshit and let me be there for you…”

The singer looked down at this lap, his breathing shaky as he tried to fight back tears. Of course, he didn’t want to fight with Matt. He didn’t even know why he was acting the way he was. He didn’t know if it was his pride or all the shit going on in his head that made him push away any form of comfort.

He was so scared to open up to someone, even Matt. He’d been burned too many times before. At the same time, he was petrified of losing Matt, he didn’t have anyone else. Jinxx, Jake, and CC were his friends, but it had always been a business relationship. Matt… he actually cared. Andy knew he was pushing him away, self-sabotaging his own happiness.

“No… I don’t want to fight with you…” Andy whispered, the anger subsiding as it gave way to the real emotions he’d been trying to suppress.

Matt pushed his hair back, sighing. He made his way over to the sulking singer, sitting down beside him on the couch. It was obvious that Andy was overwhelmed, the poor thing needed to go to sleep. One more show and they would have a day off, they both needed that.

“I know you may be angry, but I promise you I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose. I just… I don’t want to see you get hurt…” Matt pulled the singer into his arms, the smell of Andy’s cologne filling his senses.

Andy felt his eyes water, desperately trying to keep the tears from falling. It made him feel weak and he hated that feeling. He needed a drink, but there was no way Matt would let him, not after the doctor told him to stay away from alcohol. Sobering up was the last thing he wanted to do, all his emotions would hit him at once, and that just wasn’t something he could handle.

“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up…” Andy choked out, losing his battle to keep the tears at bay.

Matt pulled back, holding the singer’s face in his hands. Tears fell down Andy’s pale cheeks, and it broke the older man’s heart. He leaned in, kissing them away, placing a final kiss against Andy’s forehead. “You don’t have to apologize for anything, love.”

Fuck it, he would take the leap of faith.

“Matt?” the singer whispered, afraid of the words he was about to say.

“Yes?”

“I think I have a problem… I-I thought I had it under control,” Andy felt his heart speed up as his brain screamed at him to just shut up. “You have to understand… I can’t go back to being the fat kid… and I thought I would just watch what I ate but…”

Andy paused, choking up. He didn’t expect to get as emotional about the subject as he was. “But… fuck, I just can’t seem to keep control… so yes, I made myself throw up at that diner… and again tonight. And there’s been other times too…”

The singer braced himself for a lecture, disgust, anything. How could Matt not think he was a freak? His anxiety was eating him alive as the older man just sat there, deep in thought. Andy had never said those words out loud before, his own parents didn’t even know he’d been struggling since he was fifteen.

As far as they knew, he had just slimmed down during puberty. No one knew, sure people talked, but no one knew. Now Matt knew.

“Andy… god, I’m so sorry… tell me how I can help you…” Matt was shocked at the blunt honesty; a rarity from the younger man.

“I don’t know that you can…”
“Andy, you can’t keep hurting yourself. You do want to get better, right?” Matt asked, not sure if he would like the answer he got.

“I don’t know if I do or not.” Andy swallowed hard; Matt wanted honesty, well there it was.

The older man blinked in shock. How could Andy not want to get better, why would anyone want to continue such destructive behaviors? He could see how much it pained the singer to talk about things, at any moment he would probably shut back down. Andy was safe for the time being, perhaps it was a conversation they should have another time. The day had been long enough.

“Okay… we’ll just take it one day at a time.” Matt spoke softly, pulling the other man into a warm embrace. “I love you so much… no matter what.”

Andy wanted to say the words back, but he couldn’t. He felt it, as much as he tried to deny it, he was madly in love with the older man. He just couldn’t make his tongue speak. He didn’t deserve Matt’s love.

Matt woke up to sunlight seeping into his bunk from behind the curtain. He had no idea what time it was, but from the sound of it they were on the highway still. Andy was fast asleep, curled up to the older man’s side with his head on his chest. He looked so beautiful, so peaceful like that.

The guitarist was feeling more like his usual self now that he’d gotten some sleep. The previous day had drained him, and he could only imagine what it had been like for Andy. That’s why he told himself not to take Andy’s silence at his second confession of love too seriously. He would say it when the time was right… at least Matt hoped so.

Andy stirred, mumbling something that sounded like ‘what time is it?’. Baby blue eyes fluttered open, looking up at the older man.

Matt grabbed his phone, flipping through a couple of texts and notifications. “It’s noon, looks like we should get to the venue in a few hours.”

“Mm, as long as I don’t have to get up yet.” Andy groaned.

As much as Matt was enjoying the simplicity of just lying in bed with Andy, having the singer pressed up against him was causing other ‘issues’. Would Andy get mad if he asked for a blow job, would that ruin the moment? No, Andy needed to rest his throat, he should probably just go take a cold shower.

“You’re welcome to try and get some more sleep if you want, but I think I’m going to try and beat the other guys to the shower.”
“You better not use up all the hot water.” Andy chuckled, propping his head up with his hand.

“I mean… you’re welcome to join me.” Matt smirked, after all the stress Andy put him through yesterday, it would be nice though…

“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Matt echoed.

The rest of the guys were still asleep as the pair made their way towards the bathroom, careful not to wake any of them. It was a tight fit, but Andy didn’t take up much room. Matt started the water, glancing over his shoulder just as the younger man was stripping down.

The guitarist wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out. He didn’t want to push Andy to do anything unless he wanted to, but goddamn… it was getting harder by the day.

“Fucking hell…” Matt muttered under his breath.

“What?” Andy asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious as he stepped into the stream of warm water.

“You’re just… wow. Amazing.” The older man laughed, feeling like a lovesick teenage boy.

Andy rolled his eyes playfully, pulling the shower door closed. “You’re weird.”

Matt dropped his sweatpants to the ground, awkwardly trying to cover his hard-on as he stepped in after the singer. The guitarist bit his lip, watching as the water ran down the singer’s body. Andy turned around, raising an eyebrow at the older man’s desperate attempt to hide his obvious erection.

“What? Don’t look at me like that, you’re really hot.” Matt huffed.

“Yeah?” Andy smirked, stepping closer.

Matt rested his hands on the singer’s hip bones, biting back a moan when Andy started kissing on his neck. He let his eyes slip shut, his hand going down to stroke his own cock. All he could think about was how hot it would be to have Andy pressed against the shower wall.

Andy sunk down to his knees, replacing Matt’s hand with his own, earning moans of pleasure from the man.

“Fuck…” Matt’s hips buckled as he felt the warmth of Andy’s mouth around the head of his cock.

He laced his fingers in Andy’s wet hair, opening his eyes to watch the beautiful scene playing out in front of him. “God… that’s it babe…” he moaned, moving his hips in a steady rhythm.

There wasn’t going to be any warm water left for the other guys by the time the two were done. Matt didn’t feel sorry about it.