The Rhythm of Our Broken Hearts (Andy/Matt)

Chapter Three: The liar, the cheater, and the fraud

The past two shows had gone by in a blur. If Andy had learned anything in the past year of touring it was that most venues look the same, and so do most cities. The only way he could tell the difference between the nights was by the name of each stop written at the top of their setlist. Other than that, the sea of faces all looked the same, the same black eyeliner and fringe cut bangs. Matt had ridden with them both nights, although this time in the extra bunk. It was nice having him on tour, they had even managed to sneak in a trip to the theatre to see a new action movie before the previous night’s show.

Tonight, was a hotel night, which meant a real bed that wasn’t barreling down a highway at 70 mph. It meant a real shower and privacy for a change. John had said something about him rooming with Jake, which was fine, at least he didn’t snore. Apparently, some of the I See Stars guys were planning on having a party which could be interesting, even if it was only for the booze. The singer was in desperate need of anything alcoholic. He’d spent the past forty-eight hours ‘feathering’ down as he referred to it.

Feathering was the term for when he had to be semi-sober for something, be it press, ‘important’ people, or just to give his liver a break. He couldn’t stand the thought of just sobering up, so instead, he would just drink progressively less each day until he was in a more ‘sober-ish’ state. That ‘feathered’ state was where he currently resided in, much to his distress. The band had had press all day, and John had warned them all they’d be filming footage of the show tonight for promotional material. Therefore, they were expected to at least give the appearance of sobriety. Can’t have all the moms and dads finding out that their kid’s favorite band are a bunch of alcoholics.

When did rock and roll become so watered down the singer wondered? Back in the hay day of glam metal, it was expected that if you were in a band you were fucked up 99% of the time, and the other 1% you were asleep.

The byproduct of his restraint was the resurgence of all the things the alcohol helped keep under control. His anxiety had gotten so bad that he’d chain-smoked his way through an entire pack of cigarettes before he even realized it. The nicotine did little to calm his nerves anymore, it was mainly to just to ward off the withdraws and hunger. A few more hours to go and then he didn’t have to play ‘good’ anymore he told himself. After the debacle that was Matt having to do his makeup because he was too fucked up, he knew that a few days off drinking was probably for the best.

The backstage area was a madhouse. The venue had gone all out and catered the show, something about the owner knowing one of the guys or something. Free food on tour was the equivalent of a home run when you’re barely able to make ends meet to put fuel in your bus. Touring costs a lot of money, more than people realize, and food tended to be one of those ‘you pay it’ expenses. So, every band member, tech, and roadie was taking advantage of the handout.

Andy looked down at the plate of food that he’d made. A few finger sandwiches, chips, and various sweets. He picked at it, only occasionally taking bites as he pretended to listen to whatever the people around him were talking about. Craig was currently halfway through a story about the time he almost got arrested on tour which had CC and Matt almost in tears from laughter. The younger man kept drifting in and out of the story, too distracted by all the noise and people around him to focus.

When he was younger his social anxiety had kept him from most social gatherings. It was part of the reason that all the other kids labeled him weird. He thought he would grow out of it, and while it had gotten better, it still reared its ugly head. That was another reason he had started drinking, it made it easier to be social. In this business being social, outgoing, and getting to know people was required. Almost everyone he knew relied on alcohol for that. Without that crutch, the number of people around him was suffocating. He had been fighting the feeling all day.

“You going to finish that?” Matt asked, pointing to the sandwich on Andy’s plate, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“What? Oh no, you can have it.” Andy replied, pushing the plate over to Matt despite the hunger pains he’d been having all day.

Andy caught Ashley’s eyes just as he rolled them in annoyance. “You on some new diet again?” the bassist asked, clearly meaning it as an insult.

The man never missed a chance to cut the singer down, especially in front of others. Things had gone sour between the two towards the end of their last tour, what was once friendship had turned into resentment and borderline hatred. Of course, looking back it was never a real friendship, Andy knew that now. For a city of angels, it sure was filled with a lot of demons.

“Nah, some of us still have young metabolisms.” Andy shot back, hitting the man where he knew it would hurt.

Ash opened his mouth to say something else but Jinxx elbowed him in the side before quickly trying to change the subject to something else. Matt had picked up on the tension, his eyes shifting between the two men. He was about to say something to Andy before the singer suddenly stood up, mumbling something about going outside to smoke.

Andy’s hands shook with a mix of rage and anxiety as he struggled to light the end of his cigarette. The cool spring air did little to calm his nerves as they threatened to overtake him. His body felt tingly and his heart was pounding in his chest so hard he could feel it in his throat. It wasn’t even Ashley’s comment that set him off, he just couldn’t keep up the fake appearance anymore. He was just supposed to sit there and pretend to give a shit about all the peacocking and self-flattering everyone was doing. So many interactions were just fake, it was exhausting to pretend to like someone that you knew talked shit about you the second you left the room. Yet somehow that was the norm in the industry. Liars, cheats, and frauds.

Andy tried to steady his breathing as it threatened to become more erratic, making it hard to draw each breath in. He felt lightheaded and sick to his stomach, fidgeting with the zippers on his sleeves to try and keep composure. The last thing he needed was for someone to walk outside and see him like this, shaking like a leaf and on the verge of tears for no fucking reason. Everyone was always looking for a reason to hate him, to laugh at him or call him a faggot.

“Hey… you alright man?” a familiar voice cut through the silence.

Andy kept his face hidden behind his hair, only turning around enough to see Matt out of the corner of his eye.

“I’m f-fine, just smoking…” he cursed himself mentally for stuttering, hoping that Matt didn’t pick up on it.

Their friendship was one of drunken adventures and stupid jokes, not serious shit. Andy liked it that way, it was an escape from the darkness in his mind. Matt was a positive person, like an early morning sunrise pulling him out of the night. Andy didn’t want to ruin that, he relied on the lighthearted simplicity to keep him grounded. He didn’t want to bring the other man down, better to suffer in silence.

Matt knew about Andy’s anxiety, but only because he’d mentioned it in reference to his childhood. He’d never broken in front of the older man, as far as he knew it was something Andy had under control. Sure, he had his suspicions that the twenty-year-old was keeping his struggles hidden away, but he didn’t feel as though he had a right to intrude. Andy could be very hot-tempered, and often pushed people away if they made one wrong move. Matt didn’t want to risk that happening if he prodded too much.

“Andy… you’re shaking…” Matt’s tone changed, there was warmth to it, comfort.

Andy’s walls threatened to break. Growing up an only child he always had the sole attention of both his parents, always someone to run to. Leaving his mom behind in Ohio was one of the hardest things he had to do, but he wasn’t a kid anymore. He longed for the comfort of another person; it was exhausting carrying the burden of everything by himself. It had dawned on him about a month after he moved to LA that he was all alone. There was only so much you could confide in your bandmates about, say too much and risk it being used against you.

Matt bit his lip, unsure of how to approach his friend. He stepped closer to him, trying to gauge the situation the best he could. Andy wasn’t one to show emotions, except for anger, especially not weakness. It was something that always upset Matt a bit, he considered Andy his best friend but yet he knew so little about him. Sure, he knew every single one of his favorite movies, his favorite era of Batman, his favorite bands, food, mixed drinks, and most of his childhood, but emotionally? Matt didn’t know a goddamn thing. He was pretty open to Andy, he’d told him about the hardships in his life, the heartbreaks, and setbacks… but it wasn’t a two-way street. It was part of the mysterious allure the singer had.

“I said I’m fine, Matt! Can you leave me the fuck alone?” Andy snapped, feeling like a cornered animal.

“Fuck it, whatever…” Matt sighed, knowing better than to try and say something equally as rude back. He turned to walk back into the venue before stopping at the door. In the silence he could hear Andy struggling to draw air in, his desperate attempts just sounding like painful gasps.

Andy jumped at the feeling of Matt’s hand on his back. The guitarist rubbed calming circles over his leather jacket, “You’re safe Andy… it’s okay.”

The words hit the singer like lightning bolts. Most people said things like ‘just breathe’ or ‘calm down’, which while meaning well, normally had the opposite effect. He knew he needed to breathe, and he was trying to calm down, he didn’t need someone to tell him that. But safety? He’d give anything for that…

Andy turned into Matt, resting his head against the other man’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and inhaled the sweet scent of Matt’s cologne, letting it ground him. He didn’t care if someone walked out and saw them, he felt like he was drowning, and here was a life raft.

Matt kept his arms loose around the younger man, careful not to make him feel trapped or suffocated.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Andy sighed, breathing becoming easier again.

“I was just feeling so overwhelmed by all the noise and people… I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Andy admitted, closing his eyes and trying to keep his focus on the warmth from the older man.

“I know… you don’t have to be sorry. I used to get panic attacks like that too, took me a while to learn how to stop them.” Matt tried to reassure him.

Andy started to choke up, the tears threatening to fall, and he didn’t even know why. He told himself it was just mood swings from the alcohol withdraw but in the back of his mind, he knew better than that. He’d been walking a tight rope for so long, barely keeping his balance. His life was a fucking circus, and everyone was just waiting for him to fall.

He wanted to trust Matt, but the second he opened up to someone was the second that they won. If you give someone the power to hurt you, they eventually will, it was a law of the universe as far as Andy was concerned. He’d made that mistake so many times in the past, trusting ‘friends’ that just stabbed him in the back. He found it hard to believe that anyone actually cared, they all just wanted something from him.

“Andy, you know I’m here for you. I mean yeah, we have fun and all, and we joke around a lot but… I care about your well being too. So, if you’re going through something...” Matt trailed off, afraid that it would just turn into him rambling.

He felt Andy pull back, the man’s walls going back up. The singer cleared his throat and nervously played with his hair before forcing a smile. “I’m okay, really… it was just like you said, a panic attack.”

Matt nodded, a twinge of sadness going through him for the boy. It must be hell on earth to have to pretend the way Andy did every day.