The Rhythm of Our Broken Hearts (Andy/Matt)

Chapter Six: Wild and Running

Andy suffered his way through the meet and greet, trying his best to not let on to the fans that he felt like death. None of them really seemed to notice, he’d found out pretty early on that, for the most part, people see what they want to see. It didn’t take much to convince them. A little bit more concealer and foundation, a few shots of whiskey, and no one would suspect that his fever was pushing 102.

He assured Matt that he would be fine when his friend started to suggest that maybe he should skip the show, or at least shorten their set. It was just forty minutes, he’d performed through worse.

What started as chills had turned into him sweating profusely midway through the show. He was counting down the songs until he could go backstage and collapse on the nearest couch and try to ride this thing out. The stage lights were only making his fever more intense and all the screaming and squealing was making him feel lightheaded. There was only one song left in the set and he was home free, ‘just hold on a little bit longer’ he kept telling himself every time his vision would start to fade.

Matt stood side stage with his arms crossed, watching as Andy drug himself through the set. He was clearly not feeling well, nowhere near as active and animated as he normally was. The cocky bravado was notably missing from the show, he wasn’t threatening to fight anyone or giving his long-winded speeches to the crowd. The fans ate it up, seemingly clueless to the fact that Andy was borderline killing himself to give them all a show.

John had his eyes on Andy, expecting that at any moment he might pass out. Matt chewed at his lip, nervously watching as Andy seemed to forget the opening lyrics to their last song. He seemed to sway; unsteady on his feet every time he went from one side of the stage to the other. His normally powerful voice faltered on easy notes.

Andy’s head was killing him as he bid the crowd goodnight, the nauseous feeling in his stomach getting worse from behind dehydrated. He glanced over and saw Matt standing with John in the wing. The singer forced a smile, noticing the worried look on his friend’s face. His legs felt heavy as he made his way off stage, finding it harder and harder to breathe.

The younger man’s hand went out, trying to grab ahold of the railing before his body started to fall forward. Matt’s arms shot out protectively, barely catching Andy as he passed out, his thin frame going limp in the older man’s arms. Matt felt his heart racing as he threw Andy’s arm over his shoulder, pulling him out of the line of sight.

“Shit- Andy, hey wakeup” he called, laying the singer down on the ground and tapping at the side of his face.

Jinxx and CC came rushing over, the drummer handing Matt a bottle of cold water. “Fuck, what happened? Did he pass out?” Jinxx asked, looking down at his unconscious bandmate.

“Yeah, he just like blacked out.” Matt opened the bottle, splashing some of it over Andy’s face.

Andy coughed, rolling over on his side as he finally started to come to, water dripping from his hair. His eyes glanced around at everyone staring at him. Jinxx, CC, and John were all standing around him and Matt was crouched beside him. ‘Fuck’ he thought, knew that was going to happen. At least he didn’t pass out on stage, god knows there would be fifty different videos online the next day if he had.

“Fuck… I’m fine, I’m fine. I just overheated, there’s no need to fucking stare at me.” Andy waved at everyone, using Matt’s hand as support to stand up.

“Shit, you scared me Six…” Matt laughed nervously, fluffing his hair as he stood next to the singer, ready to have to catch him.

“Why is everyone so worried about me? It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve gotten sick on tour.” Andy didn’t like all the attention, it made him feel weak and exposed.

He didn’t want everyone fussing over him and treating him like some kid who needed to be taken care of. Despite what everyone thought, he was an adult and he didn’t need them to look out for him. He had let himself have the moment on the bus with Matt, a rare instance of letting his guard down, but that was it he told himself. The last thing he wanted was to be a burden to his friend, at least that was the lie he let himself believe.

The truth was too much for him to admit. That being in Matt’s arms had been the happiest he’d been in a very long time. That instead of wanting to be left alone, what he really wanted was for the older man to tear down his walls and make him feel again. All the confidence he faked, the ‘I’ll kick your ass if you fuck with me’ attitude, the too fast for love mentality… all of that was just a curtain he hid behind. The truth was that he never considered himself deserving of love, happiness, or even safety. ‘It’s just the fever’ he told himself, putting those wild thoughts in his head.

Always on the fucking run.

After showering off all the paint and sweat from the show and downing a bottle of water, Andy was finally starting to feel a bit better. The venue actually had a nice bathroom with a proper shower, a silver lining to an otherwise shitty night. The rest of his band had gone out to sign things for fans without him. He was sure they would be disappointed at his absence, but he’d given them a show. How much could they ask of him?

The singer pulled a black V-neck and skinny jeans on before walking out into the main lounge area. Matt and Craig were sitting on the couches, going over merch sales together. Andy grabbed a bottle of white wine and took a seat beside his friend, popping the cork.

Craig’s eyes glanced over at the bottle then back up at Andy, clearly disapproving of his beverage of choice. “You feel better?” he asked.

“A bit. I think I broke my fever on stage.” Andy replied, tipping the bottle back and letting the bittersweet liquid past his lips.

“Here, at least have some real food. There should still be a few slices left.” Craig said, pushing a pizza box over to the younger man.

Matt watched Andy’s reaction to free food. It didn’t take long after meeting the singer that Matt started to get the feeling that he didn’t have the best relationship with his body. It was little comments here and there that Andy would make, or how he never seemed to eat everything he’d order. He told himself he was just being hypervigilant; Andy was probably just a picky eater. But after dealing with Sonny and his struggles who could blame him, fuck, his former band even had a song about eating disorders. Matt worried about Andy; he was so thin…and he seemed to get sick so easily. Matt had brushed the same things off as ‘nothing’ with Sonny.

Andy hesitated before opening the box and grabbing a slice of the now cold pizza. Despite being sick he was famished. The only thing he’d had so far was a few crackers, and he knew that if he wanted to feel better, he at least needed some ‘real food’ as Craig put it. He noticed Matt’s eyes on him as he tore off little pieces. He didn’t like eating in front of other people, even if it was his best friend. There was a fine balance he had to walk between keeping up appearances and doing what he felt he had to do. Don’t let them see you crack.

“Alright, I’m going to go out to the bar with the other guys, are you coming, Matt?” Craig shuffled the papers he’d been going over as he stood up.

“I’m good. After last night I don’t even want to be near alcohol, have fun though.” Matt smiled; he’d feel bad about leaving Andy by himself.

Craig nodded, glancing between the two men sitting side by side and raising an eyebrow before turning and walking out of the room. Matt turned to Andy once Craig was gone, playfully poking at his arm as the singer took a proper bite of the pizza.

“So, I didn’t get a chance to say it, but props for doing that show tonight man. I don’t know if I could pull it off in all that makeup and leather, being sick and whatnot.”
“Thanks… yeah, it fucking blows. The stage lights were killing me. Surprised I didn’t pass out sooner.”

There was an awkward moment of silence between the two that made Andy’s skin crawl. He tossed the pizza crust onto the box, biting at his lip ring nervously. He hadn’t said anything, but memories from the previous night were starting to become a bit clearer. Most of it was still lost to the void of binge drinking, but he did remember the feeling of Matt’s hands gripping his wrists. He remembered being underneath the guitarist, he just wasn’t sure what the context was. They had been playing around, right? Just innocent horseplay… fuck it, he had to know.

“What happened last night?” Andy asked, breaking the silence.

Matt’s heart skipped a beat as adrenaline shot through his veins, ‘fuck’ he thought, maybe Andy remembered more than he thought. He forced himself to maintain his composure, maybe he just genuinely wanted to know.

“Well, you were completely wasted. You did a fuck ton of coke and-”
“No, after the party. How did I get back to the hotel room?” Andy cut Matt off before he could elaborate any more.

Matt’s palms were sweating now, should he just come out and say it? Better to rip the Band-Aid off now than later. It was just a kiss; Andy might not even think it was a big deal. “You walked there; I was with you.”

Andy picked up the bottle of white wine, taking another long drink, preparing himself for the worst. “… and?”

“Fuck, fine… we were playing around or something like that. I was pretty wasted too, but I kissed you. That was all that happened, I left, and I don’t know what you did after that.”

Andy let out a small sigh of relief. Matt had kissed him, not the other way around. That was okay, they were both drunk. He kind of knew that Matt was into more than just girls, but that’s as far as things went. He fidgeted with his fingers in his lap, there was a hint of sadness in his heart at the thought of not remembering the kiss. He pushed it down, denying it and what it meant.

“Oh, okay… I mean that’s whatever. I’m pretty sure I’ve done way worse when I was drunk. Like that one time, I painted the walls in the motel. I thought I would never hear the end of it from John…” Andy forced a laugh, trying to lighten the mood between them.

Matt smiled at the memory of the night Andy was referring to, mostly glad that Andy didn’t seem upset. He had to admit it was like a weight was lifted off his shoulders now that it was out there. At the same time, it was starting to get harder and harder to be around Andy after his realization earlier that morning. How long could he realistically pretend like his feelings towards the singer were just ‘friends’, that he was okay with never being anything more? That when he told Andy he loved him; he wasn’t just referring to the fact that he was his best friend…

“I have to ask… was it at least a good kiss?” Andy teased.
“I mean, it was alright. You tasted like fucking Seagram’s.”

Andy rolled his eyes playfully, “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

---

By the time it was bus call, Andy was feeling much better, his fever hadn’t returned after breaking on stage, thankfully. Matt had still insisted on sleeping on their bus though, laying in the back with Andy until the singer drifted off to sleep before returning to his honorary bunk. He said he just wanted to make sure he was okay after the ‘scare’ he gave him passing out.

The younger man had to admit, he was a little disappointed when he awoke alone. Given their conversation the night before he wasn’t surprised, but Andy was going insane not knowing. He needed to know. He wasn’t questioning his sexuality, was he? It would have helped if he’d remembered the kiss, whether or not he liked it. It wasn’t like he could do it again to see, once was an accident but twice… well, not so much.

Andy’s mind wouldn’t shut up as he showered and got ready for the interview John had lined up before their show. He just kept replaying their conversation, how there was a hint of sadness in the man’s eyes when Andy had just joked it off. How it was getting harder for the singer to deny what was becoming increasingly clear to him, that their friendship was starting to push the boundaries of something else.

He chewed at his lip ring, watching his reflection in the bathroom mirror. What if he wanted to let those boundaries collapse? What if he wanted to give in to the part of his heart that kept getting louder and louder? The part that was screaming for love, warmth, and safety. What would that mean?

Matt was surprisingly still asleep by the time the bus came to a stop behind the venue. Andy watched out the window as the rest of his band filed off of the bus and towards the back entrance, leaving him and Matt by themselves. For a moment he considered that Matt might actually be avoiding him, he wouldn’t do that, would he?

‘Fuck it’ he thought, he needed to lighten the mood up. He’d spent the past hour and a half lost in his own thoughts and that was never a good thing. The singer walked up front, careful to keep his boots from clicking too loud as he passed Matt’s bunk. Grabbing a jar of peanut butter from the kitchenette upfront he dipped a spoon into it, scooping a huge glob of it out. He made his way back towards the bunks, silently pulling the current back.

Matt was fast asleep, His dark brown hair covering his closed eyes. Andy smirked as he knelt down before suddenly flinging the peanut butter at his friend, hitting him smack in the nose.
“What the fuck?” Matt woke up, dazed and confused as he started rubbing at his face.

Andy bolted out of the room, pushing past John as he burst through the bus door and into the parking lot. He looked back to see Matt running after him, having realized what he’d done.

“You motherfucker!” The older man shouted although it was clear he was holding back laughter at the childish prank.

Before Andy could turn the corner to make it around to the front of the venue Matt caught him. The singer let out a scream as his friend wrapped his arms around his torso, pulling him back.

“Yeah, real funny now isn’t it, Andy?” Matt pinned Andy against the brick wall, holding the singer’s wrist as Andy tried to tug them free.

Both men broke out laughing, the guitarist letting his friend’s wrist go. “Fuck I’m out of breath now, for a chain smoker you’re kind of fast…” he chuckled.

“Whatever, old man,” Andy teased, out of breath himself for the exertion and laughter.

Andy had the most adorable laugh Matt had ever heard. His face lit up whenever he would laugh, genuinely laugh, not that fake shit he did so often. It was like a fucking drug to the older man, and all he wanted to do was make sure that smile never left Andy’s face.

The younger man went quiet, the smile still spread across his painted red lips. Matt felt his heart skip a beat as he stepped closer, his fingertips brushing against Andy’s.

Andy didn’t know how to react; he didn’t know how to go after what he knew in his heart he wanted. What he’d been trying to deny for so long, his entire life basically. That the real reason he’d only been disappointed by past flings was that he was looking in the wrong places. What he wanted was right in front of him, he was just too scared to make the leap of faith. He’d spent so much time being worried about how the world would label him, and it was costing him his happiness. Here was the most beautiful and caring man he’d ever met, ‘fuck it’ he thought.

The younger man tilted his head to the side, closing the gap between their lips. The kiss was gentle, but it was like electricity to the singer, lighting up every nerve in his body. Matt grabbed Andy’s face, deepening the kiss as he pressed Andy up against the bricks.

The singer’s knees felt weak and his heart was pounding so hard he was sure Matt could feel it. He surrendered himself to the feeling, moving his lips with Matt’s. The older man’s arms snaked around his waist, pulling him closer. Andy didn’t want to stop, didn’t want the feeling to end.

“You know how long I’ve waited for you to do that?” Matt whispered against the singer’s lips, his hand cupping the side of Andy’s face.

Andy felt his cheeks heat up, turning his head to the side and leaning into Matt’s touch. The initial shock was starting to wear off as he came back down to earth. He waited for the panic to come, the regret of his impulsive actions, but it didn’t. He looked up into the guitarist’s eyes, smiling softly.

“I had to know what it felt like…” Andy said in a quiet voice, referring to their drunken kiss, lost to a blackout.

Matt leaned in, kissing the blue-eyed boy again, in case Andy suddenly had a change of heart. The singer rested his head against the other man’s shoulder, the scent of Matt’s cologne calming his still racing heart. He wasn’t sure where this left them, but it was obvious that things weren’t going to go back to how they were. A yearlong game of cat and mouse, pretending that they didn’t both secretly want to end up here.

“Can we stay just like this?” Andy whispered, not wanting to leave the comfort of Matt’s arms even though he could hear John yelling for him just around the corner.

“As much as I’d like to… John kind of scares me.” Matt laughed, letting the singer go as his tour manager rounded the corner.

Matt turned out of view of John, wiping the red lipstick from his lips. He was pretty sure the blonde-haired man knew though; Andy’s lipstick was smeared, and he still had that adorable grin on his face.

“Hey, John.” Matt waved, trying to hold back laughter at the man’s stone cold and clearly not amused face.

“Andy get to your interview, you just lost me $100.”
Andy’s eyes went wide, “You took bets on us?”
“Of course, I did, and now I own his manager,” John pointed to Matt, “A hundred bucks.”

Matt doubled over in laughter, so much for being subtle. Andy looked mildly horrified at having been found out, fussing at John for ‘invasion of privacy’ as the man grabbed his arm and started pulling him towards the venue.