Status: Work in progress

The Rhythm of Our Broken Hearts (Andy/Matt)

I Think I'm Losing, I Think I'm Lost

Chapter Seven: I Think I’m Losing, I Think I’m Lost

Andy bounced his leg up and down nervously, having already picked off the black paint from his nails. D.R.U.G.S was on stage currently, the screaming and guitars echoing through the venue to the green room. They had about twenty more minutes before it was their turn as the final band of the night. The singer could hardly think about the show, not even confident he knew the name of the city they were in.

John knew, and not only did he know but he was making fucking bets with Matt’s manager. How long before the bands found out, then the fans, then everyone else? Why did he even care so much? It felt like things were happening so fast, even though all that had happened was a kiss outside the venue. Were they dating, was that what Matt wanted? Or were they just friends with benefits now? What if they were dating and things didn’t end well, that would mean he’d lose his one and only best friend. The thoughts kept swirling around in his head, pushing him closer and closer to the edge of insanity.

“Stop tapping your foot!” Ashley suddenly blurted out, glaring at the younger man.

Andy jumped at the outburst; he didn’t even realize it was making any noise. He shot a glare back at the bassist before grabbing the open bottle of whiskey from the table and downing a little over a shot’s worth.

“You okay Andy? You haven’t suddenly developed stage fright or something have you?” Jake asked, noticing the singer’s nervousness.

“No… just don’t like waiting to go on.” He switched from tapping his foot to biting at his lip ring.

Andy’s anxiety was starting to reach a fever pitch inside his chest, his brain wouldn’t stop going over worst-case scenarios. He didn’t trust himself not to fuck things up, that’s all he seemed to be able to do. Anytime something good came into his life he found a way to sabotage it. Plus, this was all new to him. He barely knew how to be with a woman, let alone another guy. After years of being called names, of having people assume things about him because of his feminine looks, what would they say now?

The singer pulled out his pack of cigarettes, lighting one up despite the ‘no smoking’ signs clearly posted throughout the venue. The nicotine did little to calm his nerves, it was more so just something to do. Jake and Jinxx were too busy tuning their guitars to notice, not that all of them weren’t desensitized to the smell of booze and cigarettes by now.

“You do realize that smoking is the most unattractive thing, right?” Ashley sneered, clearly on a roll to annoy the younger man.

“Funny, explain to me why I’m the frontman and not you then?” Andy shot back.

Ash opened his mouth to say something else, but CC elbowed him in the ribs before he could. Andy didn’t need anyone to test him tonight, not his own bandmates or anyone in the crowd who was feeling equally as bold.

He heard the crowd give a final cheer as Craig said goodnight, the house music switching on to signal intermission. Andy stood up, downing the remaining whiskey in one drink before slamming the bottle back onto the table. He should feel that by the end of the first song.

Andy could hear the voices of Matt and his bandmates approaching as they made their way backstage. His heart skipped a beat as he listened, hearing Matt laughing and joking around. Like nothing had happened earlier, like the very ground he was standing on was threatening to cave in and swallow him whole. He seemed happy, content, at peace.

The singer brushed past Matt as he and the band made the move to line up by the curtains. The guitarist stopped in his tracks, telling the others to go on before turning and heading back towards the stage to catch up with Andy.

Matt was used to Andy’s mood swings, it kind of came with the territory of being his friend, but the kid seemed fine an hour ago. He wasn’t having second thoughts, was he? This was the very thing the older man was worried about; Andy had the worst tendency to overthink things. Making the smallest things out to be the end of the world, ‘goddamn it’ Matt thought.

“Yo, Andy… you good?” he asked, catching up to the leather-clad man.

He could smell the alcohol on him before Andy even opened his mouth to reply. John’s eyes were on the two of them, giving Matt a clear ‘this isn’t going to be a problem, is it?’ look. He was planning on talking to Andy after the show, about things since they didn’t get a chance to before. But Andy had apparently decided to try and drown whatever was going on inside his head out with booze, so the likelihood of any meaningful conversation was low.

“I’m fine,” Andy said in a stone-cold voice.
“Andy… fuck, listen after the show let’s talk, alright?”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? ‘Let’s talk’?” Andy raised an eyebrow, taking one last hit of his cigarette before handing it to Matt and turning to walk on stage.

The roar of the crowd was deafening as Andy leaned over them, baring his teeth and smirking at them. Matt sighed and flicked the cigarette into the trashcan next to him; great his fucking walls were back up.

The guitarist stayed in the wings, noticing how by the third song Andy was pretty drunk. He was just about to head back to shower off when he heard it. Some guy from the crowd, he couldn’t understand everything the guy was yelling but heard one word loud and clear, ‘faggot’.

Matt spun around, praying that the singer hadn’t heard it. Andy’s eyes were set on the man, his fist clenched tightly.

“Stop, stop, stop, stop playing,” Andy motioned to his band, the music coming to an abrupt halt.

“What the fuck did you just call me?” Andy knelt down at the end of the stage as the man, clearly drunk himself, yelled more profanities and slurs at the singer.

“Call me a faggot again and I’ll kick your fucking ass I swear to god, motherfucker.” Andy’s voice was laced with rage and Matt fully believed that he would jump into the crowd.

Security was already on the guy, grabbing his arm and tugging him towards the exit. Andy had grabbed a bottle of water, flinging it at the guy as he fought against security. “Suck my fucking dick you fucking piece of shit”

The crowd started chanting Andy’s name which only added fuel to the fire. “You know what, fuck this”

Andy jumped into the crowd, only making it a couple of feet before the swarms of fans blocked his path. Security had already dragged the object of his rage outside, now turning their attention to Andy.

“No, fucking let me at him-” Andy demanded as two men in yellow shirts picked him up without any effort, basically throwing the singer back up on stage.

He scrambled to his feet, adjusting his leather vest as his heart pounded wildly in his chest. His blood was boiling under his skin as all he could think of was finding that guy and beating the absolute shit out of him.

“If any of you other tough motherfuckers out there have something to say, come on up.” He spoke into the microphone, scanning the crowd to see if anyone stepped forward.

No one did, the crowd just cheered and chanted, clearly loving the aggressive display. Andy could tell that the rest of the band was getting impatient, none of them liked his detours to go off on people. He wasn’t just going to stand there and let some drunk guy call him a faggot, he wasn’t in middle school anymore. He’d fucking fight any of them.

The band ended up having to cut their setlist two songs short thanks to Andy’s outburst, but he was still too keyed up to even care. The singer stormed backstage, ignoring John who was calling after him.

“I’ll calm him down, don’t worry about it,” Matt said to the flustered manager, running after his friend.

“Andy, hey, hey, come on let’s go outside…” the older man tried to reason, the adrenaline still pumping through the singer’s veins as he tried to push Matt away.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Ashley yelled from behind them as he shoved his bass into one of the tech’s hands.

“Shut the fuck up Ash!” Andy growled, turning around and standing his ground.

“Holy fuck, you’re so sensitive. We just had to cut our set short because of your fucking temper tantrum” Ash yelled, stepping closer to the ticking timebomb.

Matt looked between the two of them, ready to have to step in if need be.
“Why do you care? Not like you actually play anyways!” Andy struck a nerve with his comment.

“You get so upset, is it because it’s true? Is that it Six?” Ashley smirked, crossing his arms.

“Fuck- Andy don’t” Matt barely reacted in time as Andy lunged at the bassist, ready to nail him square in the jaw.

“Let me fucking go!” Andy yelled as Matt wrapped his arms around the singer’s waist, picking him up off the ground as the kid tried to swing at the other man.

Jinxx and Jake stepped in to grab Ashley, pulling him into the green room as Matt carried Andy outside. The kid was on the verge of hysteria, screaming and cussing so loud it was making the guitarist’s ears ring.

Matt pinned the singer up against the brick wall, for the second time, grabbing Andy’s shoulders when he tried to break away. “Hey, fucking calm down”

“Fuck you, get off me!”
“No! You need to chill the fuck out and shut the fuck up. You’re acting like a fucking child right now.” Matt snapped, digging his fingers into Andy’s skin.

“Matt, he can’t talk to me like that!”
“And what? Beating the shit out of each other is going to make things better? Do you want to be arrested tonight?” Matt was worried about Andy, normally he calmed down after a few minutes but there seemed to be no end to his rage.

“You don’t understand!” Andy was shaking now, a wild look in his eyes as he started to feel short of breath.

“Yes, I do, but you need to calm down before you get in trouble. Andy, please…” Matt let go of the younger man once he stopped fighting him.

Andy slid down against the wall to the ground, his hand trembling as he struggled to keep it together. His heart wouldn’t stop racing and his chest felt tight like he was going to die. Tears threatened to fall as he desperately fought to keep control.

Matt knelt down beside the shaking singer, pulling him into an embrace. Andy latched onto him, burying his face in the older man’s neck. He was kind of surprised when Andy broke down in tears, a rare moment of human emotion.

“It’s okay…” Matt tried to soothe him, stroking his hair gently.

Andy couldn’t hold back anymore, all the stress and anxiety hitting him at once. The pressure to be perfect, to maintain appearances, never being allowed to show emotions, it was killing him. He cried into Matt’s shoulder until he couldn’t anymore, his body giving up from exhaustion.

“Come on, let’s go on the bus so you can lay down,” Matt whispered, helping the singer to his feet.

Andy nodded, wiping the last of the tears from his cheeks, no doubt smearing his makeup even more. He kept his gaze on the ground, as his breathing started to even back out. Matt led him into the back of the bus, which had become Andy’s default room essentially.

“Why don’t you go shower off and then we can do whatever you want, okay?” Matt suggested, honestly just needing a moment of silence to figure out what the fuck was even going on.
“Yeah, okay…” Andy agreed, grabbing his towel from the floor and heading back out into the main area of the bus.

Matt leaned back against the bed, covering his face with his hands once he heard the water start in the bathroom. ‘Jesus fucking Christ’ he thought to himself, what was he getting himself into? Andy was more volatile than a gasoline canister, just always ready to go off at even the slightest thing.

The guitarist just laid there, contemplating if he really wanted to go down this rabbit hole with Andy. He was sure of his feelings for the other man, but just being friends with Andy was pretty exhausting at times, possibly dating him though? That was a lot to sign up for. If that was even what Andy wanted, they hadn’t even broached that situation yet.

A few minutes later the door opened again as Andy slipped back inside. He was dressed in a black hoodie and sweatpants, his face and hair now clean. Matt scooted over, making room for Andy.
Andy laid down next to Matt, his crystal blue eyes were still slightly bloodshot. The singer let out a shaky breath, it was clear to Matt that a lot was going through his mind. The outburst tonight, almost getting into a fight with his own bandmate, him breaking down in tears, it was all just a symptom of something bigger. He wished that Andy would speak to him, let him at least try and be there.

“Why does it upset you so much? What people call you that?” Matt asked, knowing he was risking setting the boy off again.

Andy swallowed hard, his brows furrowing as he thought about the answer. “I used to get called that all the time, kids would write shit on my locker… all because I looked different.”

“Who cares about them, look where you’re at now,” Matt responded, knowing that Andy was still holding back from being completely truthful.

“I know… but… but what if-” Andy stopped himself from finishing the sentence.

“But what if what? Do you mean what if it’s true? Is that why you gave me the cold shoulder before the show?”
“No, I didn’t.” Andy stammered.

“Yeah, you did. Look, if you’re not into that it’s fine. I hope you don’t feel like you have to do anything to make me happy…” Matt looked Andy’s face over for a reaction to what he was saying, it pained him to have to act completely nonchalant.

The truth was that Andy’s indecisiveness was killing him. Matt was still struggling to come to terms with the fact that there probably wasn’t any going back from where they were at. He’d spent the whole night mulling over whether it was even worth it. He’d never fallen for someone so fast before. Even now, as he placed his heart in Andy’s hands to break, he was completely head over heels in love with him. Did Andy even realize that?

“But Andy, I won’t do this back and forth with you. You kissed me today, then you don’t even speak to me backstage. And at the hotel that night…” Matt hesitated, before deciding to just tell Andy the full story, “I told you that I kissed you, but the part I left out was you practically asking me to fuck you.”

Andy felt his heart drop in his chest, he’d convinced himself that he had gotten things with Roxy and Matt mixed up. That all it had been was a kiss.

“And what? You said no?” Andy asked.
“Of course, I did, you were completely blackout drunk. But apparently you just found some chick to fuck instead.” Matt shook his head, not even trying to hide his annoyance.

“I didn’t fuck her… I couldn’t…”
“Yeah, like I said. Blackout.” Matt replied, his gaze fixed on the door.

Andy frowned, feeling his heart starting to break at the thought of being in a fight with Matt. Was that what this was? Andy couldn’t imagine his life without the other man in it. Why couldn’t he just be honest with him? Why couldn’t he tell Matt that their kiss had made him feel more than any of the drugs or alcohol ever had? Was he in love with Matt?

“Did you want to?” Andy asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Did I want to what? Fuck you? Yeah…” Matt looked over at the singer.

“Look… I think it’s obvious how I feel about you. I just need to know if you feel the same or not.” The older man sighed; he just needed an answer.

Andy stayed silent, chewing at his lip ring. His mind was screaming at him to say yes, but his lips wouldn’t work. He was holding himself back, letting his own fear and self-doubt once again ruin things for him. Matt deserved better than someone who couldn’t even say how the really felt, who wasn’t afraid to say the truth.

“I-I don’t know…” Andy kicked himself the second he spoke, watching as Matt’s face fell and he looked away, nodding.

“Fair enough, I think I’m just going to sleep on my own bus tonight.” The guitarist said, standing up. If Andy wanted to play games, he could play them alone.

“Matt, wait-” Andy grabbed the older man’s arm, not wanting him to leave. If only he could make his stupid brain work right, if he could just swallow his pride, maybe he could be happy.

“No, Andy. Whatever you’re going to say, just save it.” Matt pulled his hand away, not even bothering to look back at the singer as he let the door shut behind him.