Journal
8/13/2020
The Coronavirus Pandemic started 5 months ago.
The BLM and Defund the Police Protests started around that time as well.
My relationship with my current boyfriend started almost 9 months ago.
I was born May 21st, 1996, to a man and a woman, who rushed their dream Summer wedding for a quick ceremony in the living of my grandparents' home, because I was coming. I have never forgotten that I, a single child who did not ask to be made, was the one who forced them to marry quickly.
What is on my mind today?
Reading to escape is no longer a reality as I am now 24 years old, and still under their roof. Even though I have been told that I can ask for help, and that my younger brother (by two years) can cook a meal or two, I am constantly reminded how I am not contributing by putting these duties on him. As I fold the laundry, I am responsible for washing the dishes and cooking the meals.
I can see what they're doing; raising a herd of dependent cattle just so they can do the things they want. One brother (22) doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and they are in no rush to help him. The other three siblings (10, 12, 14) spend their days staring at their monitors, playing video games, and only know how to microwave food. "Teach your sister to cook!" our father says. How can I have the patience to teach her how to cook when she has no interest in leaving the computer screen like the other three children, or even our own father?
My mother is supposed to work a twelve hour shift three times a week at the hospital downtown. But she cover for others, and picks up the excess shifts for incentive and overtime. She sleep during the day. She woke up one day last week, Tuesday, and said, "I can't sleep. I might as well go to work". She visits friends or family, or even go shopping, on nights she doesn't work.
I am still a child to them, and the treat me so coldly as their first born. I owe them. I owe them for letting me live here so long, when I am unable to legally drive myself. I owe them for feeding me, when I am the one cooking and cleaning the meals. I owe them for clothing me, when I am the one who washes their laundry. I owe them respect, when it is mine and my sister's shared room with no door.
I am telling myself, eight more months, and I am free. I just have to graduate college. That's all that's left. Then I can take the left over loan money and leave. I can go and be free as soon as I graduate.
Is what I keep telling myself...
Why?
I have left before, and come back.
I have had an opportunity and failed to seize it.
Why is this time going to be different?
How will this time be different?
Can I really do this on my own?
What about my brothers and sister?
Can I really leave them here?
Why do I have so many doubts- so much fear?
Can I really survive if I cut these ties?
She made me so mad. Mother did. I wanted to see her suffer. I wanted to destroy her career and watch her crumble in the flames of her despair. For some reason, I thought if would bring me joy. But I did not do a thing, but only because the consequences out weight the rewards.
It is only 16:30, and I have exhausted more emotional energy than enough for today.
Good night.
The BLM and Defund the Police Protests started around that time as well.
My relationship with my current boyfriend started almost 9 months ago.
I was born May 21st, 1996, to a man and a woman, who rushed their dream Summer wedding for a quick ceremony in the living of my grandparents' home, because I was coming. I have never forgotten that I, a single child who did not ask to be made, was the one who forced them to marry quickly.
What is on my mind today?
Reading to escape is no longer a reality as I am now 24 years old, and still under their roof. Even though I have been told that I can ask for help, and that my younger brother (by two years) can cook a meal or two, I am constantly reminded how I am not contributing by putting these duties on him. As I fold the laundry, I am responsible for washing the dishes and cooking the meals.
I can see what they're doing; raising a herd of dependent cattle just so they can do the things they want. One brother (22) doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and they are in no rush to help him. The other three siblings (10, 12, 14) spend their days staring at their monitors, playing video games, and only know how to microwave food. "Teach your sister to cook!" our father says. How can I have the patience to teach her how to cook when she has no interest in leaving the computer screen like the other three children, or even our own father?
My mother is supposed to work a twelve hour shift three times a week at the hospital downtown. But she cover for others, and picks up the excess shifts for incentive and overtime. She sleep during the day. She woke up one day last week, Tuesday, and said, "I can't sleep. I might as well go to work". She visits friends or family, or even go shopping, on nights she doesn't work.
I am still a child to them, and the treat me so coldly as their first born. I owe them. I owe them for letting me live here so long, when I am unable to legally drive myself. I owe them for feeding me, when I am the one cooking and cleaning the meals. I owe them for clothing me, when I am the one who washes their laundry. I owe them respect, when it is mine and my sister's shared room with no door.
I am telling myself, eight more months, and I am free. I just have to graduate college. That's all that's left. Then I can take the left over loan money and leave. I can go and be free as soon as I graduate.
Is what I keep telling myself...
Why?
I have left before, and come back.
I have had an opportunity and failed to seize it.
Why is this time going to be different?
How will this time be different?
Can I really do this on my own?
What about my brothers and sister?
Can I really leave them here?
Why do I have so many doubts- so much fear?
Can I really survive if I cut these ties?
She made me so mad. Mother did. I wanted to see her suffer. I wanted to destroy her career and watch her crumble in the flames of her despair. For some reason, I thought if would bring me joy. But I did not do a thing, but only because the consequences out weight the rewards.
It is only 16:30, and I have exhausted more emotional energy than enough for today.
Good night.