Feels Like Forever (one-shots)

Emilie sighs again, tossing her book onto the nightstand. She hasn’t been able to concentrate all night, and she has steadily grown more frustrated with it. She can’t pinpoint what has her so on edge.

Ryder went to bed without fuss after only five books and two lullabies - a vast difference from last night. Niall is home now, too. She’s meant to be cuddling with him, making love to him, or - again - cuddling. It’s supposed to be a relaxing night.

Instead, she is lying here in their bed, wondering how to get her mind to shut up for five seconds. It won’t happen, she knows it. Not until she talks to Niall.

“Everything okay?”

Emilie forces a smile at his question, the soft voice she’s come to love so much. The accent that is so familiar to her. “I’m okay. Just… I’ve been doing some thinking.”

“With you, that could either be the most wonderful thing or the most terrifying,” Niall laughs before he pulls her in against his chest. “Which reaction should I prepare?”

“You’re an ass,” she protests, but she’s giggling anyway.

Niall glances at the screen of his phone as it vibrates then tosses it onto the nightstand. Emilie frowns - he’s ignoring his mother’s call. His hand skims along her side until it settles on her waist, and she clambers onto his lap with her knees pressed to his hips. Her head drops to his shoulder as a quiet clatter fills the room. His glasses that she rarely sees on him. Then his arms are wrapped around her ribs. His grip is tight enough that her face is squished against him.

She relishes the solid hold he has on her.

“What are you thinking about, darling?” he murmurs in her ear, and she sighs.

“Have you thought more about kids?”

He doesn’t say anything for a long while. She can almost hear the thoughts in his head racing around each other. His breath ruffles her hair.

“Love, you’re the one who made that promise. I told you before that I don’t need more kids if you don’t want them.”

And she had. Ten months ago, she had asked the same question and gotten the same answer. She swore to Niall then that she would take time to think about it, really think about giving him children.

The more she thinks on it, though, the more uncertain she becomes.

“I know,” she sighs. “I just can’t help but worry you’re only saying that to appease my guilt.”

“Do I look like the type of man who would lie to you about something like this?”

“No.”

“Then trust me. If you don’t want kids, then we won’t have kids. Ry is amazing on his own.”

“And your parents are okay with not having a kid besides Theo to carry on the Horan line?”

Niall shrugs and lets his hand run up and down her spine. “Ryder has my last name, so technically, he’ll be carrying on the Horan line along with Theo.”

“But... not the genetics part.”

“Eh, he looks enough like me as a wee one to pass.” Niall pushes gently at her shoulders until he can meet her eye. “And when the feck did my parents ever get the right to influence our decisions?”

“When I realised that no matter what, your mother is my mother now, too.”

Emilie melts into his touch, the warm hands cradling her cheeks. The loving softness in his eyes, golden in the lamplight, as his gaze tracks over her face. Then he’s speaking. He punctuates each word with a kiss.

“I-” one kiss “-am-” another “-okay-” a third, and she’s giggling too hard for him to continue. “-with you not ever being pregnant with my biological baby. Okay? You already gave me the world when you said ‘I do’ a year ago.”

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely, petal. I love you, and I love Ryder. As long as I have you two, how could I possibly be upset?”

“I suppose you make a good point.”

“Of course I do. Now get some sleep. We have a child who wakes far too early.”

Emilie wants to argue, but she knows he’s right. Ryder hasn’t quite learnt that sleeping in past six in the morning is a good thing. So she turns off her bedside lamp and shifts further under the blankets. Niall does the same before shifting until her back is against his chest.

“I love you. No matter what.”

She hopes he’s telling the truth. She trusts that he wouldn’t lie to her, especially not to make her feel better. Emilie almost gives into the swirling doubts in her mind, but he’s humming softly behind her. All thoughts fly away except for this moment.

The love he’s shown since they met almost three years ago.

She blows out a breath, fidgets with the ring on her finger. This is what she needs to focus on - the evidence of their future together and the strength he holds her with.

It’s everything she needs.

True to Niall’s word, morning comes too quickly. Tiny feet slap against the bare floor. A thirty-five pound child clambers onto the bed, and a very familiar four-year-old voice shouts for his parents to wake up. Emilie buries her face into her pillow to stifle her laughter. Niall groans and swats at her arm.

“Get the kid.”

“It’s your turn.”

“Mama, I want pancakes. Can we have pancakes? I want pancakes and waffles and blueberries and-and banananas!”

“Ask your dad, buddy,” she grumbles even as she rolls over.

“Daddy, tell Mama I want pancakes.”

“Love, you heard the boy.”

“I hate you so much, Mister Horan.”

She climbs out of bed and scoops Ryder up into her arms. “You and your daddy need to stop conspiring against me, sweetie. I feel like I’m being ganged up on.”

“I know.”

Niall’s laughter follows her down the stairs. She hefts Ryder further into her arms as she makes her way into the kitchen. He sits on his knees in his chair, hands cradling his chubby cheeks, and she listens to his endless chatter as she sets about mixing up batter.

“Mama?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“I want a brother.”

The whisk slips from Emilie’s hand, and she hurriedly picks it back up. Rinsing the batter from the handle, she glances over her shoulder. “You do? Why’s that?”

“I’m bored.”

She can’t help it - she bursts into laughter. It’s such a childlike, innocent reason. Not what she expected, but somehow she isn’t surprised. She sets the whisk on the counter and turns to face Ryder.

“You want a brother because you’re bored?”

“Yeah. You and Daddy can play with each other. But who do I play with?” Ryder heaves a blustering sigh, looks at her with wide blue eyes. “I don’t have fun.”

She exhales sharply, taking the chair across the table from him. “Oh, honey. I’m sorry you’re bored. But that isn’t a good reason for us to have a baby. A baby is a lot of hard work and time. It isn’t a choice we should make without a lot of thought.”

“Okay. Can I have pancakes now?”

“Absolutely. The fluffiest pancakes in all of the universes. With blueberries and whipped cream and maybe even sprinkles, as long as we don’t tell Daddy. Daddy doesn’t like us having that much sugar for breakfast.”

“I won’t tell Daddy.”

Ryder proves himself to be horrible with secrets. The second Niall wanders into the room, Ryder looks up from his plate with a mouth stuffed full of pancakes. Emilie doesn’t get a chance to remind him that Niall isn’t supposed to know before Ryder holds up his fork.

“Sprinkles!”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” laughs Niall as he accepts the bite their son so graciously offers.

“Ryder Alexander, you are the worst at keeping secrets.”

“Daddy says secrets are bad.”

Emilie bites back a smile as she finishes washing the bowl. “And you’re right. He’s right. Secrets can be a very bad thing. But this is a secret that isn’t a bad thing.”

Ryder shrugs and swallows his last bite. “Daddy?”

“Yeah, bud?”

“Can I have a brother?”

Niall chokes on his coffee, turning to Emilie with his eyes wide. All she can do is raise her shoulders. He clears his throat and sets his mug aside. Ryder watches closely as Niall shifts his weight between his feet.

“That’s something your ma and I need to talk about.”

“Fine,” the child sighs before sliding out of his seat. “But if I don’t get a brother to play with, I’ll be sad. Do you want me to be sad?”

Niall ducks his head to hide his laughter. “You’re so manipulative. Excuse me, little one, where do you think you’re going?”

“To go play by myself since I’m lonely.”

“Not before you clear your mess from the table.”

“My brother would do it for me.”

Ryder does as asked, even if his face is set in a petulant scowl and his footsteps are just short of stomping. Emilie takes the plate and fork from him then watches him shuffle toward the living room. Niall sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face.

“He’s persistent.”

“He’s dead-set on getting a brother.” She pauses. “I wonder if he knows that even if we have a baby, we can’t guarantee it’ll be a boy. And it’ll be years before the kid can do what Ryder wants them to do.”

“He’s a child. I don’t think he thinks things through.”

Emilie snorts and reaches for the towel to dry her hands. Niall has a point, but she can’t focus on that. Ryder hasn’t ever asked for a sibling before. A small voice asks if she’s depriving him by being so reluctant. By not truly considering the idea of having a child with Niall instead of worrying about the changes that will bring.

Emilie blows out a breath and kisses her husband. He grins then pulls her in for another one. She stands in the circle of his arms, tasting the coffee on his tongue, and melts in his embrace. Even after so long of being with him, she still doesn’t believe this is real.

He wrote a damn song for her, but it’s hard to comprehend that he ever wanted her. That he still loves her. That their story began with a chance meeting in a busy coffeeshop. She hates that she missed out on months with him, believing their relationship would never progress past having sex whenever he came to Austin.

Friends with benefits would never have been enough.

He releases her after a long moment, his lips curved up into a smile. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. So what’s on your agenda for today?”

As he tells her of his plans to go into the studio for his third solo album, Niall follows her into the living room. Ryder looks up from his cars then pointedly turns away. He obviously hasn’t forgotten his disappointment at hearing he wasn’t getting a brother anytime soon.

Emilie resists the urge to roll her eyes. “Okay, sweetie. Time for school.”

“I don’t wanna go.”

“I thought liked Miss Annie?”

“I wanna stay with Daddy.”

“I gotta go to work, Ry. Which means you have to go to school and your ma has to go to work.”

Ryder groans but climbs to his feet. Emilie leads him upstairs so they can get dressed for the day. Her mind strays from helping Ryder button up his denim shorts to the last twenty-four hours. Niall’s reassurances, Ryder’s demands for a little brother, her own doubts. Blowing out a breath, she cups the child’s cheeks with her hands.

“You know we love you, even if we don’t have another baby.”

“I know. Love you more than a rainbow.”

“Exactly. Love you more than a rainbow. Now let’s a move on, or Miss Annie might be mad.”

The drive to Tiny Tots Nursery is quiet, filled with only chatter from the backseat and music from the speakers. Emilie knows Ryder is at the age where he notices silence, but she can’t force herself to speak. If she does, she might make a promise to him that she just can’t keep.

Somehow, she gets through the day. Desiree had assigned her to the twos room after Emilie got back from her honeymoon, and Emilie hates that this means she doesn’t see Gloria nearly as often. She gets to work with Josh, though, so it isn’t all bad.

Once the kids are with their parents and the rooms are empty, Emilie helps him clean up the mess left behind by rambunctious toddlers then waits for Annie to bring Ryder to the front of the building. Emilie makes small talk - nothing serious, just asking after him and his new wife.

He laughs and tells her that Mandy is sad to be home but being newlyweds means eternal bliss. Emilie snorts - real life will creep in soon enough for them, and it will feel less like a wildly vivid dream and more like home. She’s just opened her mouth to ask about Maui when the door squeals open.

“Mister Josh! Guess what I’m getting for my birthday!”

Josh raises a brow then crouches down next to Ryder. “Hmm. A bunch of dinosaurs?”

“Nope! Mama says I have enough. I’m getting a baby brother!”

“Ryder,” Emilie hisses, clapping her hands over her face.

“Oh, my god, you and Niall are trying for a baby?” Annie starts bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Em, that’s—“

“Not even remotely what’s happening. Ryder told me this morning he wanted a brother, but there have been no promises, mister. So you need to stop telling people that.”

Ryder shrugs unapologetically and lets Emilie take his hand. She forces a smile at her friends, guiding the child to her car. He lets her buckle him into his seat. She pauses when she sees the frown on his face. Sighing, she pushes his hair from his face. It’s getting long, curls taking over the ends. Sun-bleached from all the time at the beach.

He looks so much like Niall.

“Look, sweetheart. It’s not that Daddy and I don’t want you to be happy. But this is a huge decision, and it will change our lives forever, okay? We can’t rush into this, or we’ll all be sad.”

“I know. Mama, can I ask you something?”

“Anything, my darling boy.”

“Will having a baby mean Nan and Pappy will love it more? Because I don’t want a brother if they’ll love him more than me.”

“Oh, honey, no.” Emilie wraps her fingers around his hands. “There is literally nothing that will make Nan and Pappy and me and Daddy love you less. We will never love anything more than we love you. Same with Mamaw and Papaw and Granna Rose.”

Ryder only nods, swinging his feet. His Paw Patrol shoes light up with each impact against the seat. Emilie kisses his forehead before backing up to shut the door. The abrupt turnaround in his desire for a sibling takes her by surprise. He’d been so adamant this morning.

Thankfully, he doesn’t bring up a sibling - or his fears - through the rest of the night. Emilie goes to bed with Niall, but she doesn’t fall asleep nearly as quickly as he does. Her mind, once again, won’t let her relax.

She’s still awake at midnight, one, three in the morning.

She finally falls asleep to the sound of his breathing and the thoughts swirling in her brain.



“Excuse me! Occupied!”

Niall smiles sheepishly but doesn’t back out of the bathroom. “Sorry, love, it will only be a minute.”

“I— Why— What if I’d been pooping?” she exclaims, face burning hot.

Even after how long they’ve been together, Niall has never been in the same room when she’s used the toilet. Showers? Sure, he even joins in on most of them. But not when she’s doing her business. No length of time as husband-and-wife will ever be enough to break her belief that some things just shouldn’t be experienced together.

Toilet use is high on that list.

“Everyone does it,” he says with a shrug. He continues combing his hair.

Emilie buries her face in her hands and sighs. He’s got his stubborn ‘I’m in a rush and can’t slow down, so don’t try to stop me’ face on. This is a conversation she won’t win. So she waits as patiently as she can - which, admittedly, isn’t patient at all - for him to finish.

He finally does. His comb clatters to the counter-top, and he grins brightly at her. She watches him step out of the room, blowing out a breath. His head pops back through the doorway.

“Oh, and darling? I’d still love you even if you were pooping.”

“Go away, weirdo!”

He bounds away, laughing the entire time. Emilie rolls her eyes and finishes what she came into the bathroom to do. She stares at her reflection in the mirror as she washes her hands. It’s been a week since Ryder demanded a baby brother, a week since she last asked Niall if he’d thought about more kids. A week since she gave way for the doubts to creep in.

Ryder is already at school, so the house is silent when she makes her way down the stairs. Niall doesn’t look up from his phone, and she stands in between the kitchen and the living room, watching him. The sunlight pouring in catches on his hair, paints it a deep golden brown, and the shadows only accentuate the curve of his jaw, the solid line of his shoulders, the strength in his fingers that have kissed bruises into her skin.

He reaches blindly for his mug of coffee even as he types out a message with his other hand.

“I’m gonna ask my doctor to take the implant out.”

Her voice breaks the quiet in the room right as Niall is taking a drink. He chokes, spits his coffee back into his mug, and turns his head to stare at her. If she wasn’t so nervous about this, Emilie might have found his dumbfounded expression comedic gold. As it is, she can find no amusement in the moment. He shakes his head and sets the mug on the counter, followed closely behind by his phone.

“Implant as in...?”

“The anti-baby-making implant, yes.”

“That’s an odd way of phrasing it. Accurate, I’ll admit, but unexpectedly odd.”

Emilie shrugs, fidgeting with the hem of her T-shirt. “I mean, the German word for birth control pills is ‘antibabypillen’ so...”

“How do you know that? Why do you know that?” He shakes his head, but she sees the smile anyway. The smile fades. He crosses his arms over his chest. “Are you sure you want to?”

Why isn’t he happier about this? Emilie thought this is what he wants, even if he says he’s okay with it never happening. Crossing the room, she hauls herself onto the countertop to perch next to him. His fingers automatically wrap around her ankle, and she draws in a steadying breath.

“I, um, I realised that it was a lot like the whole marriage thing. I was letting fear get in the way of rational thinking.” She scrubs at her face with one hand, ignoring the buzzing coming from his phone. “Instead of asking myself ‘Do I want this?’, I was thinking of a million reasons to prevent it. I wasn’t really giving it the thought it deserved.”

“And now?”

His voice is achingly quiet. He won’t look at her. Emilie blinks rapidly to get rid of the burning in her eyes, but the tears form against her wishes. She swallows and runs her fingers through his hair.

“Now, it’s... it’s something I want. As much as it terrifies me - and Niall, it fucking terrifies the Hell out of me - I want to have a baby with you. I want to give Ry a sibling. I want to take that step with you, because I’ve already done so much that scares me. I made it through all that, so this is something I should believe I can do.”

Niall doesn’t say a word. He only turns to face her and cradles her cheeks in his hands. Warm from the coffee, gentle as they’ve always been. He steps closer and pulls her into his kiss. It’s almost desperate, this side of too hard, but Emilie relishes it. It reminds her that he loved her. That she still means so much to him.

“I want to be a mom again,” she whispers.

His left hand drops to her thigh, tugging her leg until it wraps around his waist. Emilie giggles when he pushes closer. His phone vibrates again. She fumbles for the device, managing to put it on Do Not Disturb without pulling away. He exhales sharply as his hand slides up her shirt.

“Okay, one? Not in the kitchen.” Her words disappear on a soft moan when his lips move to her throat, and she gasps and lets her head fall back at the sharp nip stinging in her skin. “And second, I still have the implant. It would be pointless to start trying right now.”

He pulls back just enough to meet her gaze. The gleam in his blue eyes screams of mischief, love and desire and everything they have ever shared between them. “Oh, darling, it’s never pointless to start trying. After all, the more we try, the more likely we are to succeed.”

“Except, hello, implant. Anti-baby-maker. Hormones to stop my uterus from dropping eggs. Ring a bell?”

“Let me just take you to bed, damn it,” he whines.

And who is Emilie to deny him this when he pleads so beautifully? She pushes at his shoulders until he steps back, then she’s on her feet and running toward the stairs. He’s one step behind.