Where Did You Come From?

When I woke up the room was pitch black- an arm securely around my stomach, the smell of cigarettes, liquor and familiar cologne coating my senses. I rolled over, face to face with Norm who was awake, staring into my eyes and for just a moment- I felt safe. Whole again.

Then I remembered the screaming match I overheard between him and Helena. My heart ripped apart that he cheated as my stupid brain rationalized his actions and begged me to forgive him. One more thing stung- Helena thinks I am pregnant.

Pregnant.

I had come to terms that Norm and I were over while he was in LA. I had accepted him leaving and not communicating was his way of pushing me away. I was angry for allowing myself to become so attached but more angry at myself- that I allowed my family into my life. I was embarrassed, sickened and....

I'm gonna puke again.

Before Norm could open his mouth to speak I was up, rushing to the bathroom and throwing up in the toliet again. Pregnant. I don't know why I didn't catch the signs. I assumed my IUD was holding strong. I hadn't had my period in so long- I just....

Shit.

Norm knelt down beside me with a bottle of water as I sat on the cold tile floor. My fingertips brushed his hand as I took it. I looked into his eyes and knew- I loved this man with every fiber of my being. I didn't want to talk. I wanted him with me but I didn't want to hear the words and as soon as he said them- it was going to be over.

He looked sad.

Guilty.

Scared.

I wondered, for just a moment, if my eyes told him how I was feeling.

"I didn't know you were sick." He said softly, an ice breaker to guage my responses I was sure, but I was not ready. Would I ever be ready? I didn't know.

We were so in love when we left Georgia.

"We don't..... you don't have to be here." My lips quivered as I spoke My eyes burned. Why did this hurt so much?

"I..." he began and I cut him off.

"Don't say it Norm."

"I cheated on you." He blurted out- his face instantly telling me how much he regretted saying it out loud. I nodded, shrugging my shoulders as I flushed the toliet and grabbed the mouthwash off the floor- gargling it and spitting it into the bowl.

"I know." I managed to respond, my eyes focused on his lips- the need to kiss them screaming at me as I sat there. I hated how beaten he looked. How worn down.

"It happened once. I don't exactly remember it- beyond it being in a bathroom stall in a hotel lobby. She tried since and I didn't. I just... I wanna be honest with you. I've been at Steven's for days trying to figure out how to tell you and not lose you. I'm so fucking scared you're gonna leave me." He choked, tears falling down his face as he squatted in front of me and I fought the urge to tell him I wouldn't. Instead I grabbed him some toliet paper for his eyes. "I ran. I hid. I am a fucking coward. I am so terrified by how much I love you- how easy it is.... and... and then stress happened and I could see you struggling but I just wanted it to go away. So I left."

"Great timing. I think i'm pregnant." I retorted, laying my head against the wall."Don't worry- it's yours."

Cheap shot. I know.
But he deserved it.

He cried harder, his legs giving out as he collapsed on the floor, a few feet from me, sobbing loudly. I closed my eyes, praying to a God I had no faith in to show me thru this. Tell me what to do. How to move forward.

"Dani. I am so sorry." He sobbed and I sighed, my soul being ripped from my body as I, for the first time since I arrived in Georgia, I wanted to die.

I stood up, unable to listen to him anymore. I just wanted him to not talk. Not say what was happening. Not wreck us. I pulled on a hoodie, walking downstairs and forcing a smile at Mingus, who was playing video games in the living room. He tried to talk to me but I shook my head, grabbing my keys as I left.

I walked thru Chinatown, not having a real destination in mind. The city was bustling as always- but I couldn't hear it. I couldn't cry. I couldn't react. All I could do was walk. Fans tried to stop me on occasion and I managed to flash a smile but I had a destination in mind- anywhere but here.

I wanted to go home.
I wanted to crawl up into Norman's lap and forgive him.
I wanted to have sisters who didn't commit murder.
A father who didn't die.
A mother who died on her own.
A step mother who didn't make me tell people I was a housekeepers kid.
A child who wasn't murdered.
A husband who didn't beat me.
Cheat on me.
Put cigarettes out on me.
Lie to me.

It took me six years to trust another man.
Norm wasn't Mark. Norm wasn't just a guy.
Norm was the love of my life.

I walked into the drugstore- looking up and down every aisle like I didn't know what I was here for. First things first- I needed to know. I would get my answer and then maybe I could process every other part of this mess I got myself into.

I picked up the box, my breath shallow... my heart racing....

What did I get myself into?