Status: Work in progress
Where Did You Come From?
Can I still love you?
Norm was on the patio when I came back to the house. Our house? His house? I didn't know. The sun was rising, his chisled features more prominent as the beams of light hit them. He stood as I came outside, his hands raised defensively. My face always told my emotions when my mouth couldn't. Shutting the door I looked out into the sky for a moment- praying yet again to find the strength. This time not to some imaginary figure- but to my dad. He would of known just what to say in this moment. I knew what to say. I just didn't know how.
"Can we talk?" I asked and Norm nodded, sitting back down and lighting another cigarette as I stood in place. I looked at the fourth or so butts in the ashtray and I realized he spent all night sitting here worrying about me. My phone charging on the counter when I came in told me he tried calling but discovered I didn't want to talk. "I'm sorry I took off. It was childish, petty and immature. Kind of like when you were upset and took off to LA....." my voice trailed off as he sighed loudly. I promised myself I would do this without the cheap shots- I had to gather my thoughts.
"Dani... I....."
"I know. Norm I know you're sorry. I knew when you got back from shooting ride something had changed. I could feel it. You weren't you anymore." He bit his lip- his eyes focused on the cigarette in his fingers. "Why didn't you just tell me?"
"I..... I didn't want to lose you." He managed to get out, his voice hoarse- his eyes puffy and lip quivering. "I'm terrified."
I approached him slowly, the way he screamed at Helena still echoing in my ears. She told me how he would scream at her... how he would hit her.... and why she left after he hit Ming. I didn't believe her. Not the Norman I knew. He was gentle, kind, sweet... then I heard the hatred in his voice and I knew she wasn't lying. I sat in the empty chair in front of him- not understanding why I didn't just leave. Why was I here? What did I want? What did he want?
"Helena.... she umm...." I closed my eyes for a moment- my heart and head at war with what to say next. "Do you love me?" I asked him, looking him in the eyes as he nodded. "I don't care that you cheated. I really don't. Sex happens. Especially when mentally you have checked out." I grabbed the pack of cigarettes and lit one, trying desperately to calm my nerves. "We had a threesome.... can have more if you want. A whole damn orgy. Sex slaves. Whatever." I shrugged, inhaling the best damn cigarette of my life.
"W..wh... what?" He asked me, an adorably innocent look of confusion on his face.
"I'm angry that you didn't tell me. That you hid from me. I know I was all over the place. I know I was vulnerable and sad- that it was overwhelming cause trust me. I was living it too. I gave up three jobs while I played mommy to a murderer. The kid is so fucked up Norm. I saw it. I knew something was wrong. I take accountability where its due and I never should of let her in. I shouldn't of brought her here. And Mingus....." I inhaled again, a twinge of guilt taking over as I put it out, knowing now wasn't the time to fuck up.
"It's not your fault..." he muttered. "Mingus is okay. We talked. A lot. All day. All night."
"I know. But...."
"He's okay." He reassured me again and I nodded. "I shouldn't of... I just.... I'm so fucking sorry."
"It's done." I shrugged, shaking my head- wishing for a moment I could of been there for her. "But you can't do that anymore. You can't just shut me out. Not talk to me. Not communicate."
"I won't do it. I won't. Never again." He said, a shimmer of hope on his eyes.
"I've pretty much come to terms with you breaking up with me when you got home. I just..... I thought I knew you. You really hurt me. You made me want to die."
"Babe....." He grabbed my hand, squeezing it for a moment before I pulled away.
"I'm still really angry with you...." I said softly, the look of hurt on his face as he stared at the place where my hand was. "What do you want?" I asked him as he contuined to stare- a tear falling down his face. "Norm.... what do you want? I wanted what we had. Before we left Georgia and my family happened. Before Helena happened. Cards on the table.... I am not ready for this to be over. But I'm so scared that if I forgive you... that you are going to do this all over again. I'm all in. But the door is closed Norm. I can't get in. You closed it. I can't fix that. So I'll ask you again. What do you want?"
I stood, sitting at the man I love crying and feeling the pangs of guilt as I patted his arm, walking to the door. "You don't have to tell me right now. Come find me when your ready. I'll be upstairs." I looked at him one more time before going inside as he sat there destroyed.
************************************************
I came out of the bathroom from a long bath- walking into the bedroom as I brushed my teeth to put my dirty clothes in the hamper when I noticed the candles. They were on the dressers and end tables, Norm sitting on the bed, a look of determination on his face. Next to him was a ring on a pillow.
"Umm..." I uttered, slightly gagging on the toothpaste running down my throat as I swallowed hard. "What....." I started to ask as he stood- taking my toothbrush and placing it on the dresser.
"Nuh-uh." He said, shaking his head. "My turn to talk." He sighed, pushing his hair out of his face as he stood there, staring at me. "I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. You asked me what I want? I want you. I want the noise you make when you really love what you're eating. The smile you give me when you see me after a long day a work. The road rage when you think your gonna be late for something. Your gross eggs you make but Ming and I eat anyway because we love how much you love cooking for us. Your laugh. Those eyes. Your scar..." he paused, leaning down and kissing my right shoulder where the scar had formed. "I'm completely in love with you. I bought this ring..." he leaned down to grab it off the bed and slipped it on my finger, kissing my hand as I tried to focus on his words. "I bought this in Georgia. I was going to take you someplace after I shot Ride... propose... big gesture.... then everything.... I'm all in. I want a million forevers with you. Plus.... if you say yes Andy will owe me a thousand bucks so you would really be helping me out." I laughed as he smirked, tears running down my cheeks.
"Yes." I whispered, looking in his eyes.
"You can think about.... wait. Yes?"
"Yes. Yes Norm. Yes!" I answered as he pulled me close, kissing me deeply, my hands around his neck, my fingers lost in his hair.
"Everything else... we will figure out. I promise. I'm here." He said as he hugged me tight.
"Umm... hold on!" I exclaimed, pulling away from him and walking into the bathroom, staring at the sink. "Norman!" I yelled as he quickly came to me, his eyes wide as he stared along with me.
Pregnant.
"Can we talk?" I asked and Norm nodded, sitting back down and lighting another cigarette as I stood in place. I looked at the fourth or so butts in the ashtray and I realized he spent all night sitting here worrying about me. My phone charging on the counter when I came in told me he tried calling but discovered I didn't want to talk. "I'm sorry I took off. It was childish, petty and immature. Kind of like when you were upset and took off to LA....." my voice trailed off as he sighed loudly. I promised myself I would do this without the cheap shots- I had to gather my thoughts.
"Dani... I....."
"I know. Norm I know you're sorry. I knew when you got back from shooting ride something had changed. I could feel it. You weren't you anymore." He bit his lip- his eyes focused on the cigarette in his fingers. "Why didn't you just tell me?"
"I..... I didn't want to lose you." He managed to get out, his voice hoarse- his eyes puffy and lip quivering. "I'm terrified."
I approached him slowly, the way he screamed at Helena still echoing in my ears. She told me how he would scream at her... how he would hit her.... and why she left after he hit Ming. I didn't believe her. Not the Norman I knew. He was gentle, kind, sweet... then I heard the hatred in his voice and I knew she wasn't lying. I sat in the empty chair in front of him- not understanding why I didn't just leave. Why was I here? What did I want? What did he want?
"Helena.... she umm...." I closed my eyes for a moment- my heart and head at war with what to say next. "Do you love me?" I asked him, looking him in the eyes as he nodded. "I don't care that you cheated. I really don't. Sex happens. Especially when mentally you have checked out." I grabbed the pack of cigarettes and lit one, trying desperately to calm my nerves. "We had a threesome.... can have more if you want. A whole damn orgy. Sex slaves. Whatever." I shrugged, inhaling the best damn cigarette of my life.
"W..wh... what?" He asked me, an adorably innocent look of confusion on his face.
"I'm angry that you didn't tell me. That you hid from me. I know I was all over the place. I know I was vulnerable and sad- that it was overwhelming cause trust me. I was living it too. I gave up three jobs while I played mommy to a murderer. The kid is so fucked up Norm. I saw it. I knew something was wrong. I take accountability where its due and I never should of let her in. I shouldn't of brought her here. And Mingus....." I inhaled again, a twinge of guilt taking over as I put it out, knowing now wasn't the time to fuck up.
"It's not your fault..." he muttered. "Mingus is okay. We talked. A lot. All day. All night."
"I know. But...."
"He's okay." He reassured me again and I nodded. "I shouldn't of... I just.... I'm so fucking sorry."
"It's done." I shrugged, shaking my head- wishing for a moment I could of been there for her. "But you can't do that anymore. You can't just shut me out. Not talk to me. Not communicate."
"I won't do it. I won't. Never again." He said, a shimmer of hope on his eyes.
"I've pretty much come to terms with you breaking up with me when you got home. I just..... I thought I knew you. You really hurt me. You made me want to die."
"Babe....." He grabbed my hand, squeezing it for a moment before I pulled away.
"I'm still really angry with you...." I said softly, the look of hurt on his face as he stared at the place where my hand was. "What do you want?" I asked him as he contuined to stare- a tear falling down his face. "Norm.... what do you want? I wanted what we had. Before we left Georgia and my family happened. Before Helena happened. Cards on the table.... I am not ready for this to be over. But I'm so scared that if I forgive you... that you are going to do this all over again. I'm all in. But the door is closed Norm. I can't get in. You closed it. I can't fix that. So I'll ask you again. What do you want?"
I stood, sitting at the man I love crying and feeling the pangs of guilt as I patted his arm, walking to the door. "You don't have to tell me right now. Come find me when your ready. I'll be upstairs." I looked at him one more time before going inside as he sat there destroyed.
************************************************
I came out of the bathroom from a long bath- walking into the bedroom as I brushed my teeth to put my dirty clothes in the hamper when I noticed the candles. They were on the dressers and end tables, Norm sitting on the bed, a look of determination on his face. Next to him was a ring on a pillow.
"Umm..." I uttered, slightly gagging on the toothpaste running down my throat as I swallowed hard. "What....." I started to ask as he stood- taking my toothbrush and placing it on the dresser.
"Nuh-uh." He said, shaking his head. "My turn to talk." He sighed, pushing his hair out of his face as he stood there, staring at me. "I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. You asked me what I want? I want you. I want the noise you make when you really love what you're eating. The smile you give me when you see me after a long day a work. The road rage when you think your gonna be late for something. Your gross eggs you make but Ming and I eat anyway because we love how much you love cooking for us. Your laugh. Those eyes. Your scar..." he paused, leaning down and kissing my right shoulder where the scar had formed. "I'm completely in love with you. I bought this ring..." he leaned down to grab it off the bed and slipped it on my finger, kissing my hand as I tried to focus on his words. "I bought this in Georgia. I was going to take you someplace after I shot Ride... propose... big gesture.... then everything.... I'm all in. I want a million forevers with you. Plus.... if you say yes Andy will owe me a thousand bucks so you would really be helping me out." I laughed as he smirked, tears running down my cheeks.
"Yes." I whispered, looking in his eyes.
"You can think about.... wait. Yes?"
"Yes. Yes Norm. Yes!" I answered as he pulled me close, kissing me deeply, my hands around his neck, my fingers lost in his hair.
"Everything else... we will figure out. I promise. I'm here." He said as he hugged me tight.
"Umm... hold on!" I exclaimed, pulling away from him and walking into the bathroom, staring at the sink. "Norman!" I yelled as he quickly came to me, his eyes wide as he stared along with me.
Pregnant.