The Mistake

Rain was pouring down the windowpane. The sky dark, the surroundings wet and the mood a little shallow and blue. I adjusted the pillow on my back and curled by the window careful not to squish my belly. Two more months to go, things will change. Well, I guess for me a lot would change. A new responsibility, new perspective in life and a future to build for my little one. After I told Will everything from the beginning, he hasn't had a lot to say. It's been two weeks since he left but still no word or a mere greeting from him. I was devastated knowing he would be gone for a while but who could blame him? Why take care of a baby that was not even yours? A tear escaped my eye and I let it be. The day after he left made me feel numb and careless. I was crying. . sleeping. . crying. . taking a few bites here and there but the appetite never came.

Sofia contacted me first knowing that everything didn't go well, she offered me company. Taking a few days of work to be by my side and that was a very sweet gesture. I wish it was enough to ease all the pain, like a pill. You drink it when you're sick and afterwards you feel better with rest and lots of water. Emotional pain is different. A lot more like air,you can't see it physically but you can feel it around and same goes with emotions. Only, it is inside you and has the ability to express how you feel. Sure there are experts in this field such as a psychiatrist. As easy as scheduling a meeting and you talk about how you're doing and he/she advises you to take antidepressants. I would have done the same if I wanted to but facing reality is what I need to do. Not some sessions talking about feelings, I had Sofia for that.

Elean reached out to me, asking me how I was doing. Part of me thought that maybe she knew all along and is playing along, but what if she doesn't? How would she take it? Will it cause pain as much as I'm feeling right now? Probably so.

I stirred the lining of the cup with my finger heaving a sigh. How can this weather be so calm yet so mysterious? I'm glad Sofia had to run through something today, having company was not really on my palate and I hate to see myself acting so rude and bitchy to her when only all she wanted was to watch out for me.

My mom would be arriving tomorrow. Hearing the news, she was crushed as well mostly for me. I could not have wished more than to see her calming face, her familiar touch and her soothing voice. There's just something about mothers that makes you feel so calm and collected. It's like she's the only one who fully understands you and knows you well whether good or bad.

I want to cry but my eyes have been sore for the past days crying almost everyday after Will's leaving. I couldn't help it but eventually I could control. They say crying cleans the window of our soul and I agree to that. Why? Because you cry when you're sad or angry and those tears vent out the emotion in you that's uncontrollable. It helps release the heavy feeling in your chest. It is a sign of both strength and weakness. Strength to overcome your fear, doubts, insecurities and weaknesses that show vulnerability of the person being emotionally unstable.

The door of the house opened indicating that Sofia was already here. Her footsteps went first to the kitchen and a sound of paper bags being placed on the table. Then the sound came closer as she scanned the house looking for me. When she saw me by the window curled up with a blanket and a mug, she gave a small smile. Sometimes I'm so impressed with her silent looks. Even with just looking at me, she knows when to talk or to leave me alone. She came back and placed a book on the side. "The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald" Sofia looked up at the clouds and on the book. Silently saying, the weather is perfect for reading and having a hot beverage. Take your mind off things for a bit and explore this world. I smiled at her running my finger on the pages. There's just something about books and the way they smell. She left off without saying anything more leaving me in my reverie.

"How do you feel?" Sofia gave me a bowl of popcorn and sat on the couch.

"Better than before. Thank you for looking out on me, but you have work and I hate to be a bother to you. Besides, mom's coming tomorrow so I should be all right" I gave her a grateful smile.

"You never bother me you moron and I could do work even if I'm here. You're still healing and know that I'm here with you so don't ever think about self harming yourself" she warned.

My eyes widened at her "What makes you think I'd do that?"

"Depression? Insanity? It's what most psychiatrists analyze after a painful break up or someone who was left behind by a love one and you're no different than that"

"I can assure you that I will never do that. I have been feeling remorse but not to the point that I'd hurt myself intentionally"

"Good. What time will you're mom arrive?"

"She said around noon, depends on the trip but knowing her, she might be a little early" I smiled sheepishly.

"It'll be a delight having another company. I think I'm the one whose going crazy dealing with all the silence in here and I know that you wanted some space so I had like the stove, the cupboards, the doors to talk to" she chuckled.

I laughed lightly the mood lifting a bit "You know you could talk to me, right?"

"Yes but joking around with you felt like walking on broken glass and instead of cheering you up, you might just think of throwing me out" she grinned throwing a popcorn on my face.

I threw a popcorn back and laughed at her silliness.