Out Of This World

I watched his eyes grow dark and heavy and his demeanor grow sombre. I watched the hurt dash across his face and I watched him as he looked at me, his expression cold and hard. I didn’t look back, I just watched. He turned and left, and I didn’t follow.

Hayden, don’t you see? This was all for you…

But he couldn’t see, and there was no possible way of making him see. So I just watched hopelessly as he walked out of my room, out of my house and out of my life. I hated myself more than ever that day. I hated myelf for what I was and what I couldn’t be, I hated that I couldn’t be normal and I hated that even after knowing this, I still tried to be.

“Kimmy…” Ben’s soft voice pestered my ear drums like a mosquito.

I felt him scoot over and draw me close against his chest. I pulled away, and as soon as I saw the look on his face, I knew I’d been too harsh. But I didn’t care, it made me feel better. It made me feel better to know that he was suffering, just as I was. He should’ve been, he was the one I was caught with. Why should only I feel so unbearably miserable?

“Leave me alone, Ben.” I spat. He looked at me, aghast.

“I was just trying to help…” he said lowly.

“Well don’t try again.” I turned away. I could feel the lazer heat of Ben’s gaze boring into my skull. I tried to close my mind, but I was too distracted.

Ben chuckled sarcastically and I gulped, “You’re pissed at me?”

I didn’t make any acknowledgment. Ben shook his head.

“No, Kimberley. You don’t have the right to be pissed at me. I was trying to help you. I got nothing out of it. I could’ve easily just told you to bugger off and find someone else to use.”

I turned around, brow furrowed.

“Don’t defend yourself Kim, that’s exactly what you were doing. Using me.”

My nose started to prickle and tears began to well up in my eyes. He was right, which was all the more infuriating.

“Like you never used me…you’re worse, Ben!” I hissed, “You used me just so you could run off and use someone else less freaky!” The muscles on Ben’s jaw line tightened.

“Stop playing the victim, Kim. You’re not the only one that has to get by being a freak! You didn’t even really like Hayden. You just liked the way he made you feel- normal!”

I gaped at him.

“And if this is what the normal Kim is like…” His voice was sad now, “I think I preferred her as a freak.”

I think I stopped breathing then, because the world began to feel completely unreal and a quirky dizziness began to take over my head. I felt the blood rush to my face and my hands began to shake, with anger, I think. Then came the force of warmth, pulsing at my eyelids, my lips, replacing the prickle in my nose.

And then I cried.

The room was silent except for my quiet whimpers. Ben’s soft footsteps crept over and I felt myself once again being pulled into his chest. I turned into his shoulder and closed my eyes, wanting nothing more than to just fall asleep.

“We took too long,” he said quietly.

I nodded against his shirt.

“You know, Kim…”

His voice was serious. I lifted my head and examined his expression. He seemed to be fighting a mental battle with himself. His usual calm and collected conduct had disappeared; Ben looked anxious. It scared me that he didn’t seem to have everything under control.

“You make me feel normal…” He looked into my eyes, a painful task.

I continued to stare. Whether this made it easier or harder for him, the intention was to encourage him to elaborate. He cleared his throat. Inhale…

“And…I like it.” Exhale. “I like you.”

A thousand light bulbs seemed to fuse and explode in my brain. My heart gave an unintentional, unwanted little skip. I wanted to cry and laugh and throw up all at the same time. This was so wrong.

No! No! No!

Ben’s face fell. He’dheard read me.

He looked at me for an explanation; he didn’t seem to register that I could be so harsh. He didn’t seem to register that he was listening to my mind, which was never ment to be open for public hearing. Ever.

I shook my head, pulled away and placed it in my hands. I asked him to leave, and when he didn’t, I told him to. Then I sat there for a long time, in my beautifully elegant formal dress, feeling like a wretched bitch. I knew what happened to Ben’s crushes, and that just couldn’t happen to me. It couldn’t happen to us. Because…

I didn’t like Ben.

I loved him.