Absolute Gravity

Pain eased the Darkness away. When I bubbled toward consciousness, I could feel it slipping back out like the tide. I could hold onto it. Use it like a rope to pull myself out. The Darkness burst out of me, dribbling down my chin and into the toilet bowl. I choked and coughed and trembled, gagging as I tried to bring up the excess it left in my body. Everything burned. Everything hurt. I was dying. Coming apart. And I wasn't sure there'd be anything left of me when it was done.

My eyes were pinched shut. I didn't know where I was until I heard a knock on the door to my right.

"You okay?" Bucky asked.

For a moment, I thought I was back in Romania. But that couldn't be right. Because Bucky was dead. He'd died, and he'd left me there all alone.

I opened my eyes, not sure what I'd see. But as the room came into focus, so did the memories. I was in the first-floor bathroom of Tony's cabin. This didn't feel right. It was too sharp. Bucky was dead, and I was dying. I couldn't even get my legs to stand. I was kneeling on the cold tile. Tile that I'd helped him pick out. I was trembling from a lethal mixture of pain and fear.

"Jo?" I heard Bucky ask. "Or—Chaos?"

"Bucky," is all I said.

It was the only word I could get out. And something in my voice must have tipped him off to the truth. Maybe the desperate pleading way I'd said his name. The door popped open, and there he was in the doorway. Alive. Whole. The same and different all at once. He looked at me like he was disappointed in me. He set a glass of water on the counter and knelt at my side.

"Who am I talking to?" he asked as his hand moved up and down my back. I knew the gesture was for my benefit. Regardless of who had control, the body was still mine.

"I don't know," I admitted as I fought through the haze of memories and Darkness.

"Are you Jo?" I nodded.

"I think so." He reached for the water.

"Here," he said, moving it back to me. He tipped it into my mouth and reached for a towel while I rinsed the taste of Darkness from my throat. He waited for me to spit it out before wiping my face like a little kid. "You're shaking."

"Feels kinda like my bones are made of broken glass."

"Definitely Jo then. The other one doesn't seem to notice the pain. C'mon."

He stood up and scooped me into his arms so I didn't have to fight to stay upright. He settled me against his chest, wrapping the metal arm beneath my knees and the other at my back. I rested my head against his chest, taking in the sound of his beating heart. One, two. Three, four.

"It hurts," I told him. "All the time."

"I know. But we think Chaos might be trying to protect you from the pain. We lose you whenever it gets to be too much."

"You think she's trying to protect me?"

"I think it needs you alive. And it can handle it better than you can because it's not its body that's suffering."

"Mm."

He left the bathroom and carried me back down the hallway. The cabin was still under construction the last time I'd been there. But it was finished and lived in now. There were blurry photos on the walls. Pictures of Tony and his accomplishments. Clara and other people he cared about. And a little boy. Growing older with each photo I passed until I could no longer recognize him.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"We sent them away for now. We didn't know how much of a threat Chaos would be."

"Where are you taking me?"

"Back to the lab in the basement. Liv will be here tomorrow, and she's going to run more tests."

"I don't understand what's happening."

"Neither do we. We've been trying to reach you for days. And then you just—snapped. Broke out and tried to kill Wanda. Then me. Since then, you go in and out. Whenever the pain gets too much, Chaos takes control. When it recedes for a moment, you have control. Sometimes I think I see you even when Chaos is the one talking. We don't know how to make it stop. Or if we even should. If it's taking all your pain, maybe it's a good thing you're not conscious."

"Where were we—just now? Before? What were we doing?"

"You just ate a little while ago. We were in the living room trying to figure this thing out when you went pale and then bolted for the bathroom. By the time I got there, you were you again. What about you? Where were you?"

"The day of Clara's wedding. I was getting ready in my apartment in Malibu. I thought—I thought I saw you for a moment before you disappeared, and the memory came back."

"You did see me."

"How?"

"Wanda found a way to bridge our minds. But Chaos doesn't let us stay for long. She kicked me out before I could do more than get a look at your memory."

He got me to the basement lab and set me down on the cot in the corner. Chaos might be fighting the intrusion, but she wasn't volatile enough for them to warrant the cuffs again. Or maybe they'd just realized how useless it was. It was only hurting me. Not her.

My body ached. Every bone felt broken and shattered. I couldn't hold my head up when he laid me down. Whatever energy I'd used to throw up was long gone. He helped me get comfortable, adjusting my body because I clearly couldn't do it myself. Then he tucked the blanket around me and rested his hand against my cheek.

"It feels real. You feel real," I told him.

I lifted a still trembling hand to graze his cheek with the back of my fingers. He hadn't shaved, and the hair prickled against my skin. This couldn't be a memory. This was something that had never happened. He'd never been to Tony's cabin because he died before it was built. But Chaos could only manipulate memories so far. She could wear someone's face but not alter it. She couldn't take me somewhere I'd never been.

He held his hand to mine, pressing it close to his cheek as if he never wanted to let me go. His blue eyes were softer than they'd been before. In the bathroom and in the kitchen. When he looked at me but didn't see me.

"It feels real because it is real," he said.

"They said you were dead. There were so many ashes."

"We talked about this, remember? They found a way to bring us back. I was dead. But I'm here now. I'm alive. And I need you to fight this so you can come back too. Remember when we talked about comets and gravity?" I smiled, and he returned it. Though his was laced with sadness.

"Caught in the same trajectory."

"We haven't crashed together yet." I laughed.

"It was pretty spectacular to me."

"Not as spectacular as it could be." I snorted.

"Flirt." He smiled. A genuine one this time. But it faded quickly, and he finally released my hand to wipe his thumb beneath my eye. I didn't realize they were watering. "I'm not sure we're going to get that spectacular end, Buck." He shook his head.

"Jo…."

"You're going to have to kill me. She can't die. But you can stop her from expanding if you kill me." His smile morphed into a stubborn scowl. He'd be willing to risk everyone just for me. But I was tired. Not just in my body but in my soul. I didn't think I could keep going. I didn't really want to.

"That's not an option."

"I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to keep going back to that place where you're gone. I can't go through losing you again. I've seen it so many times."

"There's a reason you're reliving these memories, baby. There has to be something we're missing. You just have to find it. You have to stay present long enough to tell me."

"I don't know if she'll let me see."

"She will if she wants to go home. Wanda and I are trying. But there's only so much we can do from this end." I smiled again.

"I feel you sometimes. You show up where you're not supposed to."

"You looked beautiful in that gown."

"I wish you could have stayed longer."

"When we try again, let us in. Both of you. Maybe if I can see your memories too, I can see what you're missing. Wanda won't hurt you again. Keep fighting."

"Keep dancing," Clara said.

The memory flickered. The lights were too bright. In the lab. On the dancefloor. They shimmered over surfaces and sparkled off Clara's gown. She looked so beautiful in it. Like a princess. Like a dream. She deserved that happiness. I hated that she was going to lose it. We were getting closer.

"You should keep dancing," she repeated when she left the dancefloor for a break.

I startled as the memory took hold.

"Bucky?" I said. But he was gone. He'd never been there. I frowned at Clara as she waited for my response. The one I could feel forcing itself out of me as I struggled to hold onto the feel of Bucky's hand on me. "I think one dance was enough for me," I said. I gestured to where my dance partner had abandoned me in favor of his boyfriend.

Graham looked happy swinging Ezra around like it was the best day of his life. That's all I'd ever wanted for him.

"But you look really happy out there, Mrs. Stark." She lit up as she took the seat beside me. She had to fight the tight fit of her white silk and tulle gown just to reach her drink.

"I am happy. I just wish you were too."

"I'm happy for you. That's about the best I can do."

"That's not what I mean."

"Am I really being that big of a bummer?" I looked around the crowded ballroom. Bucky was here. A moment ago. Wasn't he? "I'm trying not to be. Tony warned me not to get too worked up. Graham has more energy than a golden retriever, so I had to take a break. I'm not much of a dancer anyway. Bucky wanted to teach me, but we never got past slow dancing."

The memory flickered again. Not forward. But back. I was in his arms, dancing in our apartment in Romania. He touched his nose to mine. Bing Crosby crooned about beautiful dreamers.

"Wake unto me," he sang.

Wake. I needed to wake.

"You're not being a bummer," Clara said. The memory snapped back like a rubber band. I glanced at her again. Something was off, but I couldn't place it.

"The memories are bleeding," Chaos had said. This wasn't real. This was in the past. Where was I really?

"I can see you're trying," Clara continued, setting her drink down again. "And honestly, I'm just so happy you're here that I don't care if you spend all night in a dark corner."

Full of shadows and twisting Darkness.

Not real.

"Just don't push yourself, okay? Please don't feel like you have to for my sake."

"It's your wedding," I pointed out. "I can't spend it sulking in a corner. And honestly, this is the first time I've left my cell in months. I'm happy to be out. But I don't have a lot of energy, and it's a little overwhelming."

"Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me."

Clara laughed and squeezed my hand. "I know that. I just mean—I can't tell you're sad, and that's the part that doesn't sit right with me."

I took a deep breath and looked out over the guests. Tony was twirling my mom on the dancefloor, making jokes about how he'd have to steal her from my dad. My dad was holding Bernie, making him dance along to the beat of the music. Not Bing Crosby. Something so new it only served as a reminder of how out of touch I was. Dana had just left me, and I could see her poking through the buffet to find something sweet. Graham was showing off his terrible robot dance to Ezra, who looked like the sun rose and fell with this silly, goofy boy.

They were all happy. A calm before a storm. Half of these people would die. The realization of that was so startling it forced my mind to clear again. This was a memory.

"I don't belong here," I told her.

"Were you thinking about Barnes?" I nodded slowly. She scooped up her dress and got comfortable. She was obviously prepared for this to be a long conversation. "What about him?" I reached for my drink to distract myself. They never let me have alcohol anymore. Not even on my birthday. Clara was worried I'd overdo it. But I was given a free pass for the wedding. Mainly because they couldn't stop me, so they didn't bother to try. I was already a little fuzzy around the edges. And maybe that's why reality was slipping so easily. I tossed back the rest of the champagne. I wasn't going to answer. "You weren't thinking about marrying him, were you?" I scoffed.

"Please. Like that would ever happen."

"Not with that attitude. You just never seemed interested in the whole marriage and family thing."

"I wasn't when I was twenty and had never actually loved anyone before."

"But you changed your mind?"

My memory flashed to that moment on the battlefield in Sokovia. When I was lying there with a bullet in my shoulder, wishing I had more time. Wishing I could have all those things I swore I never wanted. That moment I realized I really did want it. The whole shebang. Marriage. Kids. A cat. But I'd never tried. Not after. Even when I was given a chance.

The only time I really, truly, desperately wanted it was when I was with Bucky. When I realized there was someone in the world who really understood me. And maybe we didn't need the whole shebang. But I'd be happy with that one thing. Just him. We didn't need to involve a ring or bring more humans into a shitty world. But we could have each other.

Maybe still the cat.

"It's not that," I said, shrugging uncomfortably. "It's stupid. It's just—I don't know—one of those things you want because you know you'll never have it."

"Did you guys ever talk about it?"

"Once. When everything was happening in Sokovia. We were close enough that we would have died very quickly if things had gone south. People tend to be pretty honest in the face of death."

"I'm aware, believe me. We wouldn't be sitting here now if I hadn't decided to kiss my boss after witnessing an alien invasion. Spill." I didn't want to spill. It hurt too much. But the memory forced the words out of me anyway. Maybe the alcohol too.

"He just sort of let it out that—if things had been different—he would have asked me. So I told him I would have said yes. And I realized that I meant it. I would have said yes. Done the whole thing. As long as it was with him." He made a sad little face. Like she felt sorry for me. And all it did was make me angry.

"I'm sorry, Jo. I wish you'd hold onto that dream."

"It'll never happen. So there's nothing to hold onto. It's a dream in the same vein as wanting to be famous when you're a kid, you know?"

"It's not the same thing at all. The future is constantly changing. Things might be different. Someday." I turned back to my sister and forced myself to smile. My blood was starting to boil, and I didn't want anyone to notice.

"If you can come up with a single scenario that would make that a possibility, I'd love to hear it."

She couldn't. And it was a day meant for celebrating. I didn't want to kill the mood by arguing with her about how I couldn't marry a man who'd been legally dead since the forties. Which was already wild enough on its own. Before throwing in the fact that I was dying.

She let it go and turned her eyes back to the dance floor. I knew exactly where she'd looked by the way her smile softened. The way Tony had now dragged Bernie into his dance with my mom. I wondered if she was drunk enough to ask. Apparently, she was.

"Did you ever talk about having kids?" she asked. I sighed.

"We talked about it." She turned back to me with wide brown eyes.

"Really?" I reached for Dana's abandoned champagne glass.

"Bucky grew up in a different time. That stuff was the norm. He had no reason to believe he wouldn't come home and start a family. He definitely didn't expect to live past a hundred without any progress. Had no reason to believe the girl he'd someday end up with wasn't even born yet."

"Makes sense that he's thought about it. But what about you? Did you even want kids?" I tapped my fingers on the glass and nodded again.

"For a minute there, yeah. But I'd be a shit mother, and you know it. I can barely take care of myself. So I'll just leave all the mothering to you. Just—please stop being in denial about everything. There isn't enough time either way. And if I did make the mistake of having a kid before I die, I'd just be passing off all this Darkness to them. Doom them to the same fate as me. Only probably worse. Since they'd also be Bucky's kid. And God only knows what that would mean for them. I know he doesn't want them for the same reason."

"I'm not in denial. I'm just optimistic. Tony's working on finding a cure. There has to be one. And then you'll have the time. You can start working on all those things."

"Just—don't argue with me about this, okay? It really hurts, and I don't want to fight at your wedding." But she wasn't paying attention to me. Instead, she was staring off at the dancefloor again, lost in her thoughts.

"Barnes could ask for a pardon," she suggested.

"Clara, stop."

"And your kids don't necessarily have to be biological. Or even with him at all. I know you love him now, but things could change once everything's settled. You might meet someone else. Want to have a family. Or just have kids on your own. It's the twenty-first century."

"I don't want kids if they're not his." She made a face like I was a teenager in love for the first time. And not a grown woman who'd given this plenty of thought.

"Then adopt," she said.

I got up, intending to hide from her. But she was drunk, and she wasn't going to let it go. She jumped up, clutching her shimming white gown, and followed me.

"Jo, I'm sorry. That was out of line. I shouldn't have brought it up at all. I just wish you wouldn't give up hope."

I spun back around, hyper-aware of how many people had noticed this turn into a spat. I looked at my sister. My beautiful, lucky sister. The girl who always knew what she wanted and how to get it. Who was born to her biological parents and got to marry billionaires and make babies that people wouldn't try to turn into monsters.

Then she'd have the nerve to die right in front of me. I'd watch her crumble to ash less than a year from this moment. It was unfair. All of it. I didn't want to go through it again. I remembered what came after this argument. What was coursing through my veins.

"We don't have a fucking future, Clara," I snapped. "I wish you could see what I saw. That you could know what I know. You're so lucky that no one has ever tried to turn you into a weapon. And I'm happy that you get to spend the last year of your life in complete bliss. But I'm not lucky like you, and I never have been. And it hurts that you won't let it go."

She looked stunned for a moment. As if I'd slapped her. Her eyes began to glisten, and I felt awful instantly. She didn't hear the words I'd said. Because she was only a memory. Trapped in the uncanny valley of my memories forever.

The monitor began to beep, and her eyes went wide. I had to leave. To run. My heart was racing, and my blood was boiling. If I kept going, I'd set off the Darkness. I'd kill every person in that room if the Nano-Tech didn't cover me fast enough.

"I have to go," I said, but I didn't wait for her to respond. I snatched up the train of my burgundy gown, and I ran. I just needed to put as much distance between us as possible.

I got as far as the bathrooms before the shadows began to warp. My eyesight went black. There was nothing but pain and that frantic beeping. Bile rose in my throat. Heat twisted through my veins as it searched for something to consume so it could grow.

Grow.

Expand.

I dropped to the tile, vomited black, and then the nano-tech swallowed me whole.