Absolute Gravity

The apartment was warm despite the winter rain beating against the windows. Bucky was working on an old pink radio he’d found in the garbage. He intended to get it working so I could have something to listen to during the day when I cleaned apartments for Elena. I was sitting on the bed, trying to keep busy by studying my Romanian pronunciations.

He was hunched over on the floor, tinkering with the radio. He had his back to me, and every so often, he’d get a blip of a station before he lost it again. Sounds and songs in a language I barely understood.

Finally, he got the radio to stick to something. He flipped through the stations before settling on one that crooned an old, familiar song. I knew this song. It sounded like something my grandparents listened to, but more than that, it was familiar. I’d listened to it too.

“Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me,” the voice crooned through the speakers. I smiled.

“English,” I said. He turned back and smiled over his shoulder.

“I know this song.”

“Starlight and dewdrops are awaiting thee.”

I looked down at the book. It felt too sharp and real to be a dream. But there was something wrong. Something off about the song. Or maybe the emptiness of the man on the floor. The way he didn’t seem to notice. I could see the words on the pages clearly. I could feel the humidity of the rain in the stuffy apartment. The chill of air that always seeped in through the windows and under the doors.

His hand appeared before me. I felt a surge of delighted surprise despite everything telling me this was wrong. I smiled and slid my hand into his, letting him pull me to my feet. And when I was in his arms, I decided I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t need to wonder why this didn’t feel right. I could feel the fabric of his shirt, the shift of metal beneath it, and the warmth of his skin. And the lack of a heartbeat in his chest.

“Beautiful dreamer, Queen of my song. List’ while I woo thee with soft melody….”

“Jo,” he said softly. “It’s not real.”

I jolted back to reality and blinked at the image in front of me. Not the dim lighting of a rainy day in Romania but the odd shifting of palm shadows on the glass. The ocean behind it bright and vibrant in the Malibu sun. I could still feel the warmth of him against my cheek. I could smell the laundry detergent and feel the rain that leaked through the ceiling in the corner, just for a moment. Before that faded into memory too.

“Miss Hayes? Can you hear me?” Friday asked.

“I’m sorry—Did you say something?”

“I was letting you know that you have a visitor.”

The sun was setting, filling the room with warm orange light. The song carried on in my head even though I was awake now. I could hear it through the pounding of rain that wasn’t really there.

“Gone are the cares of life’s busy throng. Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me. Beautiful dreamer awake unto me.”

“What?” I asked.

“You have a visitor, Miss Hayes,” she repeated.

My brain felt fuzzy and out of focus. I was standing. Not in bed. Not sleeping. Standing by the windows that overlooked the ocean. I couldn’t remember how I got there or what I’d been doing. I stared down at my fingers, wondering how long I’d been moving without knowing it.

“Who is it?”

“Graham McGuire. He brought you dinner.”

The song was gone now. And so was the rain. So was the feel of Bucky and that unsettling sensation. There was no storm. Just the warm glow of a cloudless sunset. No music. Just the quiet of an air conditioner humming in an armored cell. I turned and headed toward the living room, trying to shake it off. Graham was already seated on the other side of the glass, chowing down on a slice of pizza.

“There you are,” he said. “Brought you a present.” He lifted the pizza.

“Oh, you’re my absolute hero.”

I went right for the door in the glass. It was a small space where people could put things like plates of food without coming into contact with me. The doors wouldn’t open until the other was shut. No one could get in or out without clearance.

Graham had already set out a plate for me. Or someone had, anyway. I would have had at least three slices if Graham had done it. Instead, it was just the one. Paired with more salad than pizza and an ugly green smoothie I had no intention of ever touching. I went right for the pizza and stuffed it into my mouth, letting the door shut behind me.

“I haven’t had pizza in forever,” I told him, mouth full. “They’ve been making me eat rabbit food. Supposed to draw out my life as long as possible or something.”

He nodded, chewing too much to give me an answer. It looked like that was the only thing stopping him from unleashing all his questions on me.

“I had to put in a special request.” I meant to say something. Probably ‘Thank you,’ but my mouth was too full of cheese and pepperoni, and I was almost euphoric.

“I’ve been craving olives like crazy.”

“Do they not have olives in Europe?”

“Of course they do, you dingus. It’s just that—Bucky doesn’t like them.” We went silent. I wished I hadn’t said his name. But it was different with Graham. They never got along, but at least he understood how I felt.

“So you were uh—with Bucky then?” I glanced up at him.

“Who else would I have been with?” He shrugged.

“I don’t know—I mean—I knew you were with Hydra. I didn’t want to ask.”

“Ivan—my captain—we got out at the same time. Bucky and I were living together in Romania.”

“Does he know where you are now?” I shook my head slowly and picked at my pizza.

“I don’t know. I’m sure he knows I went back to Belarus. But then the whole Accords thing happened, and he went MIA again. So there’s no telling now.”

“You have no idea?”

“Even if I did, I couldn’t say, could I?”

“I suppose not. Were you happy?” I nodded and smiled.

“I mean—we were as happy as two broken people could be. I missed you guys, of course. I wanted to reach out. I just didn’t want to put anyone in danger.”

“Hmm.” He went back to his food. They weren’t forcing him to eat salad. And he got to have more than one slice.

“What’s that sound for?” I wondered.

“Just thinking.”

“About?”

“I don’t know—you guys. There’s still a chance, right? That things will work out? Maybe you guys can finally get the chance to do the whole—boring marriage and family thing.” I looked through the glass and stared at him. It stung.

“I don’t think I’ll live long enough for that to be an option.”

“What do you mean?” I didn’t know how much they’d told him. He hadn’t questioned my remarks so far. But maybe he just thought that was a self-deprecating generational quirk.

“The Darkness. Chaos. Whatever it is—when it goes off, it does something to me. Knocks me out. It feels like my brain is being squeezed through cheesecloth. I bleed a lot. It takes longer to recover every single time. Vision says it’s like my body is trying to contain a dying star. It’s literally tearing me apart. And eventually, it’ll supernova. It’s not a matter of ‘if’ at this point. Just ‘when.”

“But see—Stark said you’ve been able to reel it in before. Like you could pull it back.”

“Once. When I set it on Bucky. But only after I almost killed him.”

“Well, he was very much alive the last time anyone saw him. Stark had the bruises to prove it.”

“What are you getting at?”

“Maybe it won’t go supernova. Maybe you can….” He paused and looked at me. I got the sudden sensation of the uncanny valley again.

This wasn’t Graham. Not really. Just the memory of him. This was over. A long time ago.

“No,” he said. “You’re not allowed to see this part again.”

“Again? Graham, what are you talking about?”

“What?” he replied, stuffing his face with cheese again. He was back to normal. “I was just saying your sister has taken me under her wing. As her assistant.” I blinked a few times.

“Is that what you said?”

“Of course, what else would I have said? You goober.” I looked around the room at the creeping shadows from the palm trees outside.

“Oh—that was really nice of them to help you out,” I said.

“Yeah.”

He looked down at his plate, looking pensive. I thought about the last time I’d seen him. I could barely remember it. When we were at Ivan’s right before Hydra showed up. I lost track of him when I tried to draw them away. Bucky said he’d been shot. He was only alive now because Bucky took him to a hospital instead of coming after me. I wondered if he knew that.

“I’m sorry,” I told him. “About everything that happened to you. I never wanted you to get caught up in all my bullshit. I should have just left you at the gas station.” He shrugged again.

“It’s not in your nature to leave anyone behind. And I think you need to stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. I got shot. Shit happened, but—I’m happy here. Happier than I’ve been since my mom died. I mean, I really hit the jackpot, didn’t I? I was a homeless, disabled vet. Now I have a job that pays really well and will actually lead to a decent career. And I’ll have one hell of a letter of recommendation to give out if I decide to branch out. I have my own place. I have friends. I uh—I’ve even been seeing someone. It’s still new. I don’t know where it’s going, but—it’s nice. To have that opportunity again. To feel like I deserve it.”

Oh, how I envied him that.

“You do. You always did. That’s why I wanted to help you. Why don’t you tell me more about them? The person you’re seeing. I feel like you’re avoiding pronouns on purpose.” He nodded.

“Yeah, I mean—I know you’re cool but coming out all the time is kind of a chore.”

“You don’t have to worry about that to me, Graham.”

“I know. He. His pronouns, I mean. His name is Ezra. He works at the coffee shop Clara likes.”

“How’d you two meet?”

“I get her coffee every morning, and he’s always there really early. There were some smiles at first, and I’ve always known I was bi, but I’ve never dated a guy before. So I didn’t even think he was flirting because I’m a dumbass. But my heart would start going crazy, and I’d leave all flustered. Once actually dumped all the coffee on the sidewalk out front. Got Clara Starbucks because I was too embarrassed to go back in and reorder.

“But then, one day, I went in kind of late. He was just getting off his shift, and something just came over me. So I decided to be bold for once. I was having a streak of good luck, and I wanted to shoot my shot, you know? I knew he wasn’t straight, so I figured the worst that could happen is that he wasn’t into me, and I’d have to tell Clara to find a new favorite coffee shop.” He laughed as he retold the story.

“I’m assuming it went well.”

“Only because he thought I was charming instead of a complete fucking doofus. I just sort of blurted out, ‘Hey, you like dudes?’ and then I had to backtrack and explain myself. It was really embarrassing, but he said it was cute. He plays the keyboard for this local band and was about to go to a show. So he invited me along. It’s only been like three months, but—it feels nice. Normal.” I smiled.

“That’s all I ever wanted for you. To have something nice like that.”

“Maybe I’ll bring him by sometime. He knows a little about you. Like that you’re my BFF, and you took me in when I had no place to go and how it ultimately led to all this. He just doesn’t know that your boyfriend has a metal arm and the fact that you’re locked up.” I nodded thoughtfully.

“Very nice way of wording it. Thanks.”

“I just mean—I wouldn’t have any of this if you hadn’t given me a shot and taken a risk. So—thank you. Also, it’s always darkest before dawn, or whatever the saying is. So don’t beat yourself up over what happened. I want the same for you too. To have something peaceful and good. I just wish you could be happy too.” I nodded and looked down at my plate.

“We were, I think. For a little while. Or at least it felt like happiness. Could have been peace if we weren’t so afraid of the future.”

“Tell me about it. What was it like? Where’d you live?”

“Um—we stayed in this crappy little apartment in Bucharest. We slept on a mattress on the floor and had sleeping bags for blankets. The windows were covered in newspapers because the building was kind of tall, and Bucky was always worried a sniper might be able to see inside. The lights were really dim, and the carpet had this old musty smell that we could never get out. It lingered on our clothes, and I still catch whiffs of it sometimes in the things I brought.

“Sometimes the heat would go out for no reason, and things would break or stop working. But—I felt so much more—alive? Normal. Like everything had a solution. We knew it wouldn’t last, but we wanted to make the best of every second. There was almost peace. Could have been.”

“Were you in love? For real this time? I know you were a little afraid of that word last time.” I picked through the salad I didn’t want to eat.

“Yeah. And the worst part is that we talked about what we could have if things were different. When the whole thing with Ultron happened. We were close enough to Sokovia that we knew we’d die if things went south. That kind of thing makes you admit things you normally keep to yourself. He said he wanted to marry me. We both wanted a family and a future, and it hurt because we knew we never would.” He sighed loudly and flopped back down onto the couch cushions.

“Shit’s fucked sometimes,” he said.

“So fucked.” But he was still thinking, chewing on the inside of his lip as he examined the paintings on the walls on his side of the living room. The twisting swirling darkness of them.

“That doesn’t mean it’s over, though. If the government could get their heads out of their own asses, they would realize how much they owe him, right? Like—he’s a genuinely decent guy. He deserves to be pardoned.”

“I don’t know.”

“Weirder things have happened.” I didn’t argue.