Absolute Gravity

I was locked in with the Darkness. With the deep suffocating sensation of it. My body felt like it was floating. Like I was drowning. There were no stars. No vast emptiness. But I still felt it swirling around me. Touching every part of me. Twisting my hair to make it brush against my skin. Squeezing and suffocating me. Pinching my face so that I couldn't breathe. I moved my hands. I was floating, but there was enough gravity to keep me under. There was no way up. There was something attached to my face, digging into my throat and up my nose. And in the Darkness, I felt something light. Something red. I tried to scream, but the Darkness was lodged in my throat.

“Shh,” it said. "Go back. I won't let them hurt you again."

I was sitting in front of the windows, looking out over the ocean. I took a deep breath. Air filled my lungs. There was no floating. There never had been. I was sitting on a yoga mat. Why the hell was I on a yoga mat?

They wanted me to keep healthy. Thought it would extend my life. Friday and Dana had come up with a routine for me. Friday walked me through it, instructing me to move where she thought I should.

"Sit up, Miss Hayes," she instructed, getting a little more firm with me. I growled and did what she said. I couldn't remember what she'd just instructed me to do. I couldn't remember this morning.

"You know it's not so bad if you listen to music while you do it," a voice said from behind me. I wasn't used to people being able to sneak up on me. So I yelped and leaped to my feet. Clara was standing in the corner of the living room with her arms over her chest.

"Clara! You can't be in here!"

"Relax. Tony said you're safe if I leave when your monitor goes off."

"Why are you in here at all?"

"Because I'm ready to talk and—well…." She marched across the room. I took a few steps back until I bumped into the chair I'd set up by the window. I couldn't go any further. So she pulled me in for a tight hug I had no choice but to accept. It was nice to be hugged for a moment by someone who genuinely cared about me.

"Right," she said. "Back on track. This will probably be emotional, so I'll head into the other room. I just—I needed to get that out of my system."

I stayed where I was until she was safely out of the room again. Then I hurried to the living room to take a seat on the couch. She was pacing on the other side of the glass.

"Why didn't you reach out to us when you got away from Hydra?" she immediately asked.

"I was afraid."

"Of hurting me? That's a bullshit excuse. If you were that scared, you wouldn't have shacked up with the Winter Soldier for a year."

"I didn't know how it worked at first. And I wasn't just afraid of hurting you. I knew that Hydra wanted me with the Avengers. So I did whatever I could to keep away from them."

"I know you've—had some accidents. I know that must be eating you up inside."

"Trust me. It is."

"But Tony said you might learn to control it."

"I controlled it once. That doesn't mean I can do it again. And these last two times, I wasn't even aware that it was happening until it was too late. How can I control it if I'm unconscious?"

"Do you think it's doing that on purpose?" she asked. "Knocking you out so you can't fight it again?" I blinked a few times.

"What?"

"But Tony said you might learn to control it." I shook my head slowly in confusion.

"I controlled it once," I repeated. "That doesn't mean I can do it again. And these last two times, I wasn't even aware that it was happening until it was too late." I paused. I'd already said that. Hadn't I? "How can I control it if I'm unconscious?"

"So you just took off—with Barnes?" That isn't what she said next. What did she say? What did she mean to say?

"We stayed in Belarus for a few days," I answered.

"Which is where your Captain died."

"My Captain, right. You know, don't you?" She took a deep anxious breath and smoothed out the front of her black silk skirt.

"Yeah, cat kinda came out of the bag when they brought him home to be buried in the family plot. How long have you known?"

How long had I known?

I didn't know.

I could ask it to show me. Couldn't I?

"I don't know. He said he told me when I was in the military, but Hydra got ahold of me. I didn't know until Bucky started to suspect it."

"I see."

"You're still my sister. You know that, right?"

"Of course I do. But that doesn't mean it won't take time to come to terms with."

"I understand. I needed time too. I was actually—really angry when Bucky suggested it."

"What happened to him? Your Captain?"

"I shot him." She stopped and turned to stare at me, blinking a few times in shock. Her hair was naturally curly like our mother's. But now it hung pin straight. All neat and poised, even though she had a fiery temper.

"They said Hydra did it to him." I shrugged and picked at my hands.

"That's not entirely off the mark. It was an accident. I was really messed up when Bucky got us out. My head was still messed up. They'd done things to me. Physically and psychologically tortured me. They were right in the middle of experimenting with how long I could last without food and water. I was literally starving to death. So I wasn't in good shape as it was. Then I went off. The Darkness. And I couldn't even stand on my own two feet. I couldn't think straight. I just had warning bells going off and Bucky's gun within reach. I've been beating myself up over it ever since."

Years.

And years.

And years.

"Tony said it was sepsis." I nodded.

"The wound itself wasn't fatal. He would have lived if we'd just taken him to a hospital. But we were in a family home with minimal access to medical equipment. I was in no shape to perform invasive surgery. Infection set in. We just didn't catch it fast enough." My voice wavered, and I had to take a deep breath to reel it back in.

"So this—Dana woman who came with you—she's your aunt?"

"My biological mother's sister. So yes. She's my aunt. But I didn't know about her until recently."

"She contacted Tony so we could bring Ivan home."

"We thought it would be best that way. I wanted to make sure he came home, and I knew Tony would be suspicious and come anyway."

"So you and Barnes made a run for it."

"Yep."

"To Romania?" I nodded again. "I heard about the place you guys were staying in. Trash dump is what Tony called it."

"It wasn't a goddamn Holiday Inn, no, but it was home."

"Home—right."

"Listen—home is always with you and Mom and Dad in Ohio. But—we grow up, and we make new homes for ourselves. You did. I did too. And I'm sorry I wasn't there with you. I'm sorry I wasn't there when Bernie was born. I really didn't stay away to hurt you. I thought it would be better for you if I was gone. And maybe there was some selfishness in that decision, but—I just don't want to be responsible for another death. Especially not yours. And I just—wanted to be with him, Clara."

"I know that you weren't over him. I kind of suspected that's why you were so secretive about the guy staying in your house. So I shouldn't be surprised that you ran off to be with him the first chance you got."

"It wasn't an easy choice for either of us, I promise."

"So he was for sure the guy who stayed with you and Graham in DC?"

"Yeah. He was trying to find information on what Hydra wanted me for. And he got hurt. He didn't have anywhere else to go, and he didn't trust anyone else. So he came to me, and things—escalated."

"Graham said you were gross. In love, I mean. I think he referred to you as 'rabbits' at some point, but I asked him to stop before continuing that thought." I laughed.

"I fell in love, yeah. And as much as you don't want to hear it—rabbits are probably pretty accurate."

"Gross."

"Sorry." She took a deep breath and let it go.

"We wanted to get married before we had Bernie," she told me. "But after you went missing, we decided to hold off. I couldn't do it without you. It didn't feel right to celebrate something like that. I couldn't hold off on Bernie, though. But at least I could control one thing."

"I am really sorry I missed it. I wanted to be there. It breaks my heart that I wasn't."

"Tony said he found pictures of him in your apartment."

"Barton found us. He agreed to keep my secret and sent the pictures after Bernie was born." I smiled. "He's adorable from what I've seen."

"I can't wait for you to meet him. I never really thought this would be my life, you know? You were the one who was supposed to grow up and make babies." I winced, but she didn't seem to notice. "He was a complete surprise to both of us but definitely the good kind. He's just—the sweetest little baby. I've never loved anything so much in my whole life." I smiled again.

"I can't wait to meet him too."

"Hopefully soon. I've already been telling him all about you. Of course, he has no idea what I'm saying yet, but he likes to listen. I just didn't want you to be a surprise to him. Like Ivan. Someone secret. I wanted you to be part of his life even if you weren't there." I could barely breathe through the lump in my throat.

There was a tube in the way. It was helping me breathe in the Darkness.

"I appreciate it. I wish—I wish I could be part of his life forever. I wish I could hold him."

"You will—someday soon." I didn't think I would. I sniffed back tears.

"Hopefully, I live long enough for him to remember me when he's grown up."

"Jo…."

"Tony's pretty convinced I'll go supernova."

"But a baby isn't a threat to you." I shook my head.

"It's gotten worse. It used to only be threats, but whatever line it uses to base that judgment is thinning. I can feel it sometimes. For no reason. It hovers at the back of my mind like it's waiting for the right moment.

"It's hungry.

"It's eating me alive."

"Well—Tony has been thinking of building you a suit." She made a vague gesture. Ignoring my momentary distress. It faded into the memory like all the others. "So to speak. It's not an Iron Man suit. But he's been trying to develop nano-tech for years, and he thinks he might be able to build you a mobile containment suit that locks you up if your monitor goes off. So you'll be able to travel again."

"There are a million different ways that can go wrong."

"He's still working on it."

"It would only be short-term. A nano-suit couldn't hold me forever."

"I know, but—it might be long enough for you to go to our wedding, hold your nephew, and live a somewhat normal life, right?" I looked down at my hands again.

"Maybe."

"He's looking into long-term solutions too."

"Anything substantial yet?"

"Aside from putting you in a self-contained cryo chamber? No." I shrugged.

"Could work."

"Could also kill you."

"Well, then, at least I'll die peacefully and on my own terms."

"Don't talk like that."

"I'm being realistic."

"It sounds suicidal." I pinched my lips shut for a moment. I didn't want to hurt her.

Don't let her see the scars.

You haven't made them yet.

"It hurts," I told her. "All the time. It literally never stops. I'm being ripped apart from the inside, and I can't tell what's real and what's a memory. I don't know if you're really here or if I'm just revisiting something that has already happened. Within the next few years, my organs will start failing one by one. And this damn thing will force me to stay alive through all of it. Until there's nothing left of me but skin and bones. And then it'll break free of that too. It'll destroy everything I love."

Stop, it whispered.

"The love of my life is missing." Dead. "According to every doctor Tony has on his speed dial, I've got maybe five good years left before I deteriorate completely. And that's the best-case scenario. I don't know if I'll ever even see him again."

"You love him that much?" she asked. I didn't know how she could still ask that after all this time.

"I've never loved anyone like I love him."

"I knew you had feelings for him. It's just that—before—you were so hesitant to use that word. Now you're throwing it around freely."

"I'm not throwing it around. I mean it. It's a fact."

"That's why you said you were selfish for staying in Romania."

"Yeah. I wanted to come home. But I couldn't come home and still have him. So I made a choice."

"And if you still had a choice—you wouldn't be here."

"It's not like that."

"It's fine, Jo. I've come to terms with it. You had a home with him. Of course you loved him."

"Love, Clara. It's still love." Still. Always.

"Right. I'm sorry." We went quiet again. She was still watching me, but I kept picking at my hands. Dana was worried I'd pick a hole right through my palm someday.

"He regrets it, you know?" I finally said. "What they made him do to Howard and Maria. He had nightmares about it all the time. They didn't give him a choice, and I think he knows that, but—he was still there. Still carries that guilt and that memory. I know what it's like to be trapped in memories. Relive the same things repeatedly until you can't tell the difference anymore."

"I know. Tony is stubborn. I understand why he's angry and hurt. I'd feel the same way if it was Mom and Dad, you know? But—I understand that Barnes didn't have a choice. And I know that—if you love him—you must have a good reason for it."

"You guys really don't know where they are? Any of them?"

"No, they disappeared. But I think Tony could find them if he tried hard enough. I just don't think he actually wants to find them."

"Why not?" She shrugged.

"Better that way, isn't it? Would you want to be the person who put Captain America in prison?" I smiled. "But Tony did tell me something I thought you should know." She paused and took a deep breath. "He was maybe not—in the best condition the last time Tony saw him." I looked up and cocked my head to the side. She'd gone anxious again, pacing quietly across the room.

"What do you mean?"

"They got into it real bad when Tony found out what Barnes did. Tony really—really tried to kill him." My jaw clenched. I squeezed my fists.

"I'm aware. He told me how he got his bruises."

"Did he tell you everything?"

"Just get to the point, Clara."

"He destroyed Barnes' arm in the fight."

"What do you mean?"

"Barnes was trying to get the reactor out of Tony's chest plate. To shut the suit down. I don't think he was actually trying to hurt Tony. Just trying to knock out his defenses so he'd stop putting up a fight. But—it doesn't just power the suit. It's actually the highest concentrated beam in the suit. It's a weapon. So Tony turned it on. While Barnes had his hand on it."

"Which arm?"

"The metal one, of course. His flesh one wouldn't have done any damage to the suit."

"How bad was it?"

"Tony said it basically disintegrated. But you have to understand. He was in pain."

"Being in pain doesn't give you the right to take someone's life. We've all been in pain. And no one knows it better than Bucky. And once he was given a choice, he chose to stop hurting people. So there's a difference."

"It doesn't seem like he was in much pain while in Romania." She was being an asshole, and it was starting to piss me off.

"I never said our time together was perfect. We both had our own demons to deal with. You didn't see him like I did. When the nightmares kept him up at night. God, Clara—every time he remembered something. Even just a little memory, he'd shut down. Either he'd go completely catatonic, or he'd—I'd wake up sometimes to find him staring into the dark, shaking like I wasn't even there. He'd just shake and shake, and I'd hold him, but nothing I did or said seemed to break him out of it. Eventually, he'd start to hold me back. Something would get through to him, and we'd hold each other until he was stable again.

"And there were nights when he slept just fine. And I was the one who woke up screaming. He'd be right there with me. He'd hold me, tell me everything was okay, and just say, 'I'm here. I've got you. You're safe.' Over and over until I believed it. We were there for each other. And we made each other feel safe. But that doesn't mean it was perfect, and there wasn't any pain or suffering. I don't regret it, Clara. Not a single moment. And you can't make me."

She studied me from the other side of the thick glass. Her eyes were misty, but she didn't cry.

"I'd never ask you to regret loving him," she said. "I just want you to understand. We don't have to be at odds just because the men in our lives are. If you love Barnes, then I love him for loving you. But you have to do the same for me. You have to love Tony too."

"You know that I do. He's an asshole, but I love him like a brother."

"Good. Because he feels the same about you. And this experience has been harder on him than he wants us to know. I don't think he actually hates Barnes. It's just—how do you work through something like that? If you can't forgive Wanda for what Hydra made her do to you, how can you expect Tony to forgive Barnes for what they made him do?" I let out a quick breath and looked at my hands again.

"I get it," I assured her. "This is one hell of a mess we've made of our lives, isn't it?" She laughed.

"I have to admit, sometimes I miss the days when my biggest fear was Mom and Dad finding out about the kitten you stashed in the closet or my nose piercing."

"I forgot about the kitten."

"No, you didn't." I looked back up at her, startled by the words. I didn't. Of course I didn't. But she was looking off at the windows. Then she turned back to me like she'd never brought it up at all.

"I'll come by later, okay?"

"Okay, see you." I watched her walk away and disappear through the doors. Until the sound of her heels stopped clicking on the tiles like raindrops.