JH

It all started over some alcohol.

Or per se, Tinder and alcohol. The moment I saw him, I was enthralled by his existence.

“Writer. Manager. Pre-Med

Working on being the greatest at being the worst. Tell me your favorite writer or best story and I’ll definitely respond.

I can be introverted so you reaching out first is always great.”

What more can you expect from a Capricorn Sun, Virgo Moon, Aquarius Rising? Exactly just that.

By the way, my bio definitely had something to do with astrology, being plus size, my love for concerts, and my cat - her name is Frito Bean Dip.

The moment we matched, I got a message saying “I feel like me and you would get along really well.”

“how so?”

Radio silence.

For three days I waited to see his name come across my phone. The first message off the bat and then you disappeared? Finally, on January 13th, 2020 I messaged again.

“you gave me such high hopes, jesse”

And high hopes I had, and high hopes you never met.

You apologized and we proceeded to talk about music and our ideal first dates. I left work that day and got on the phone with my grandmother talking about work and what had been happening in my life that day.

I got t-boned in an intersection two blocks away from our first date. I excused myself for disappearing for a few minutes due to the accident, you immediately asked if I were okay and if I needed you to come to get me. It made me blush and helped calm me down as I waited with shaky hands and heavy breathing for the rent-a-cop to come and cite the kid who hit me.

“I thought the light turned green, it was totally my fault.”

That was Monday, and by Saturday we were texting daily and had plans to meet up that night. Your buddy’s band was playing at a bar in Murray Hill, why not?

I helped my mom move a couch that day, and bought a necklace that I was so excited to wear that night. I definitely lost that necklace in my car before 8pm that night, but to this day I still have it next to the jewelry you gave me.

I waited outside on the corner of Edgewood and Roosevelt. The pre-COVID nightlife was booming. Food, music, drinks, people. I texted you saying I was here, and you didn’t respond for a few minutes.

“i think he bailed on me”

In my group chat with my girls, Elita responds: “how long has it been since you heard from him? maybe he can’t hear his phone?”

Eventually, you message me to turn the corner, the entrance to Town Hall was on the side of the building. You could see just how open it was through the windows; the walls were white-painted brick with light blue neon light on the wall. But I swear, the moment we locked eyes you were the brightest being in the room. I smiled and walked over, and you gave me a bear hug. Your ginger curls twisting off your chest peaked through your black dress shirt and your jeans flattered the rest of your figure. I’ve never seen such a nice ass on a guy. Your eyes are bright blue, your hair reminds me of Arby’s curly fries, and your smile is contagious.

You already started a tab and ordered my wine for me because you had a decent knowledge already of what I liked and what I should order. We chatted about music, and things we liked to do. The buddy’s band came on and it was a smooth jazz set, and Kevin played drums.

After about an hour of repeating questions and answers and the “huh?”s, you asked if we wanted to move next door and eat pizza, that it’d be easier to talk.

Moon River has become my favorite pizza place after this night. Bright colors, welcoming atmosphere, and PIZZA.

We ate at our slices and already get to the nitty-gritty of our pasts. I discussed my previous relationship that had ended a month prior. I was cheated on the whole time and had gone backward on any mental health progress I made throughout my early adulthood. I was still hurting, but attempting to move on the best I can. You told me about drug binges and meth-orgies. Your past engagement had ended two months prior. I felt so comfortable sitting across from you, no matter how many red flags you threw up at me.

Tempted to slide my foot up his thigh, I restrained myself from being THAT easy. We eventually decided to leave the pizza place and walk around. I grabbed my marijuana-smoking materials from my car and put my purse away, and we walked Edgewood Avenue smoking, talking, and looking at all that was going on.

We ran into our second music event of the night; Eraser Records had a punk show going on. After paying the cover charge, we drank some more and hopped between this venue and another venue playing a metal show. I ran into some concert buddies from my mosh pit groups and you got a laugh out of the baby pit that formed for this extremely satanic-looking band.

By the end of the night, we were back at my car flirting. You asked me if you could kiss me, to which I said no. Extreme confusion appears on your face as I laugh and then tell you yes. We danced in the parking lot while sharing a blanket wrapped around our shoulders, and you kissed me (a lot). The cold metal from my car as you pushed me up against it and felt just how much blood was rushing through your body.

We finally ended the night around 2am. I drove you back to his car and we kissed a few more times before going our separate ways.

“Did you make it home okay?”

“yessir I did! thank you for tonight, i had an amazing time.”

Our next date was two days later; you invited me to eat dinner with you during your break at the local Subway. You introduced me to the lady who ran the store, and she called me the prettiest girl she had ever seen. I drove halfway across town for just an hour to have dinner with you, and I was the most excited girl on the planet.

On our third date, you invited me to your dad’s house to make breakfast. We ate breakfast, but you also dragged me to bed and showed me just how frustrated I had made you since we met.

The next date was exactly a week after our first date. I made you strong alcoholic drinks, you saw me without makeup. You drunkenly told me you were in love with me already, and I told you that my ex also did the same and it ended badly. You apologized profusely, and soon thereafter you puked from the amount of alcohol I fed you and I took care of you. Like always.

Our next three weeks together were inseparable. The gym at night, dinner together after the gym, we woke up together every day and got ready for work together. I had a death in the family and you held me for hours while I cried. For my first Valentine’s Day gift, you got me a fancy make-up mirror that I still use.

My second Valentine’s Day gift was not nearly as interesting.

We went to the gym, went to bed. I woke up the next morning and took cupcakes to work. You told me you made us plans for the next day since you were off work. You were working until midnight, and I was at home with my family.

You sometimes called me on break around eight or nine at night, so your call didn’t seem all that strange. “If someone did something really bad, can they be forgiven for it?” you asked.

“It just depends on what it was and the situation surrounding it,” I assured him that everything would be alright and whatever he did couldn’t be that bad.

You told me I could head over to your house early and play on your computer. So, I packed my bag for the next day and got my stuff put away before getting on the computer.

I moved the mouse to wake the screen up, and your messages to her were open. At 10pm you received brand new messages and definitely deleted whatever was before. If the timeline was correct, you called me and then deleted the previous messages. But you still told her you still loved her and that it didn’t feel right with me. My heart sank, was this my last relationship all over again?

I called and left you a hasty message, packed up my things, and took them out to my rental mini-van. I was still rocking my post-accident rental car with plenty of room to pack all of the things I had practically moved in with during the last four weeks. I didn’t know how I felt about you yet, whether it was love or not. And by god, I had fallen in love already. My chest hurt, I cried so hard.

You called me back and asked me to wait so you could explain what happened. I called bullshit and told him that he knowingly continued even after calling me prior. But of course, I stayed. I cried. I waited. You must’ve driven quickly because it only took you twenty minutes to get back. We fought for hours, you cried and tried to hold my hand. I would swat it away and circle the house while yelling. I felt the work I had been making in therapy for the last two months go to waste. Instead of walking away, I was listening to the excuses you fed me and watched the shaky lip you gave me. I still remember that pout and your sad eyes, even only seeing them a handful of times.

You promised me you’d make it up to me the next day. “I have so much planned. I am so sorry and I don’t want you to leave. I was so scared of commitment that I did the one thing that would make me lose you.” I refused to get in bed with you, so I slept on the couch and you slept on the floor next to me the whole night. I said I would debate on going out with you in the morning overnight.

Neither of us slept, just pretending we were sleeping in silence. I finally got up and got ready for our day. I was sad, I had so much fear and anxiety and pain inside of me but I felt like I needed to go out today. You were so excited when you saw me ready to go. You called me the most beautiful girl you had ever seen, and I half smiled at you and walked out to the car.

I wouldn’t hold your hand, I kept my distance from you. Being fed alcohol by 11am and tons of food, it didn’t take me long to start talking a bit more. We started our morning at Orsay, moved to playing Pokémon Go in the park and taking selfies. We bar hopped at your favorite places, eating desserts and drinking tons of wine, tequila, and whiskey. By the end of the night, we were at the bar I worked at singing karaoke and you were laying in my lap. We finished our night holding hands and puking into the toilet together.

I was even more in love with you.

You came to work with me the next day, we hated ourselves and we ended up spending the end of my shift “hanging out” in the closet. Again, it didn't take me long to forgive you.

One month later, we were moving in together with Kevin, your drummer buddy. I hadn’t spent much time with Kevin, but I already had a bad feeling about him. We built everything ourselves, moved it all ourselves.

“If we can make it through a move, we can make it through everything.”

The news reports screamed about COVID-19 taking over America now. We read the Facebook articles about other countries, but the moment I was moved out for the first time in my life, I was under immediate quarantine from my whole family and all of my friends. Moved in with two guys who, honestly, I barely knew and wouldn’t take long to know. My anxiety got worse, I couldn’t see anyone and I hated being in the house so much. I already didn’t take the move well.

Three weeks into living together, you asked for an open relationship. I got mad, stormed into our room, and threw out a pillow and blanket for the night. I thought about it and wrote you a long paper about why I understand where he is coming from, but it is not something I would be capable of doing.

Drugs, cheating, now polyamory? I was stuck for a year in a lease and had no one to turn to except my roommate, who started to pin us against each other. I either went for the aggressive Pisces who made me feel like shit or the gaslighting Capricorn that made me feel like shit.

On April 26th, I lost my best friend. I had a pug growing up named Tana Shea, and she was the light of my life. She stayed at home with my grandparents and they put her down due to health reasons. I was sent to work from home at the start of April, had my tires slashed, hadn’t seen anyone other than my roommates in weeks, and our AC was out.

In May, I was in the hospital for high blood pressure. We had been fighting about finding your porn collection and that you would never save photos of me. I already felt ugly to you, and my self-esteem was tanking day by day. I felt undesirable, unwanted, and unappreciated. Kevin messaged me with harassing messages of being unfit and my diet is the prime reason of being where I was at, not the relationship I was stuck in and the roommate that walked all over me. This sent my blood pressure soaring again after hours of attempting to calming down to be released. You finally came to get me after you got out of work. I cried to you and you reassured me that our home life would be getting better.

Once I left the hospital, I started checking your browsing history daily. I looked at what you’d searched, and since you had a Google phone I could see where you went every day and what apps you used. I deleted thousands of nude photographs of women you had collected, supposedly from the internet but that’s not believable. I knew when you had the secret folder app open, I watched your email. I couldn’t trust that you weren’t watching porn after I asked. I asked you to be honest about your drug use and you admitted to lying about doing cocaine with Kevin’s friend while I was sleeping (after a fight).

Kevin accused me of being abusive and manipulating, which nonetheless whether I was or not I was also having it done to me by both of my roommates. The next month was complete agony and I hated where I lived. I packed up Frito Bean Dip and went to my mom’s, and by the end of the night you were begging for me to come home. And so I did.

In June, I started a new job only to give you the position. I hated the job, and you hated it just as much. But you were always the harder worker. I still had emotional pain I was dealing with and couldn’t handle the stress of a new job and an awful boss.

Kevin moved out on the first of July. We spent all of June walking on eggshells, and you would complain about how much of a loser he was and how lame “being a virgin” was. Yes, he was a loser through and through. But he was also manipulative and toxic and the worst roommate to ever have.

We spent the Fourth of July with your mom in Pensacola. We fought on the way home due to a disagreement the night before. The longer we were together, the harder it was to not be mad at you and control how long I was upset. I constantly threatened to leave, and a few times I would see that bottom lip shake again as you pointed and shed a tear. And you called mine crocodile tears?

August 6th is my birthday, the weekend before we celebrated with my family for mine and my mother’s birthdays. Everyone came over, we ate pizza and cake, and they all left. On my birthday, we got 4Rivers BBQ and ran in the rain. My friends surprised me by bringing cake and balloons over at midnight.

The next week, I found out you were watching porn on my birthday while I was in the other room after I asked you back in May to quit watching it. You still watched it, quite a few times before this final time. I got so upset, and you started looking up ways to commit suicide. Your mom would call me when I would leave to be with friends because you were threatening to hurt yourself.

In September we broke up twice. Once was for a day, and I came home with a gift to make amends. The next week, we ended things for good. You disappeared again but this time for eighteen hours. You partied all night, disappeared, and then came home and gave me a week to get out.

I remember the look on your face when I told you I would be out in a week. I never asked you why you looked so sad, but it truly made me feel like there was a glimmer of hope.

We signed my name off the lease on October First, and Kevin was moved back in by November. We hooked up before the end of October, and by the first week of November, you were already in love with another girl.

I pushed and got my real estate license; I dated but no one showed any potential. I studied and worked and hiked. Hiking gave me the most time to think and gain back the love I used to have for myself. I forgot what it was like to wear makeup daily and to come home and not be stressed about bills or dinner or if my partner was using me. I worked on myself for a few months.

March 5th, 2021, I passed my real estate exam. I came home to Frito and cried to her and said “I did it without him. I didn’t need him”. I underestimated myself and how smart I was because of how little you made me feel. I passed my real estate exam in under an hour with a severe sinus infection. I barely slept for weeks, I was running on fumes, and I overall was ready to give up on everything in my life. But I came home and cried and released all the hate I had bottled up for the last six months. I cried about how much you hurt me.

That night, your relationship status changed back to single. You posted on Reddit about how sad you were, your heart was broken and scarred. “You deserve it”, I repeated. He deserved to know how I felt the whole time we were together and the six months following. We had barely spoken during the time except to exchange mail, and we saw each other at the office of the apartment complex back in January.

The next weekend, I woke up at 3am with a weird feeling to check my ignored messages. I moved you there a few months back to avoid the temptation of reaching out.

“Hey! Congrats on passing your exam! You deserve to celebrate.”

Funny story, I was crippled for the next few weeks. I fell off a scooter the Tuesday after passing my exam and I couldn’t walk for two weeks. Wear pants and closed-toe shoes when scootering. And a helmet.

“thanks! i wish, but i’m currently handicap for the next few weeks until i’m healed”

We chatted for a day and you disappeared again. I messaged you a day later asking if you wanted to hike. Due to recent events, my family was getting worried about how often I hiked, locations, and being alone every time. I missed you, and I figured you would be a perfect hiking partner.

The next week, you met me in Green Cove Springs. You dressed well while I was wearing yoga pants and a baggy shirt with no makeup. We talked and hugged and walked for miles. You asked if I wanted to get food after, and you took a photo of me while we ate. I remember when you used to take photos of me when we were out. I loved the idea that you would go back to your camera roll and smile when you saw me. And so I smiled hard and ate my BBQ, and we parted ways.

You were right when you said I cried while on my way home that day. I cried so hard, I missed you so much. We were both at our homes and you asked me to come over to build a bed frame. You moved out of our apartment and rented a room from a female our age.

We spent the next few weeks glued at the hip. You made moves, and I wanted exclusivity in exchange for physicality. You lied about exclusivity and I finally had enough.

“Let’s be friends,” I said. You admitted you were talking to other girls and I wasn’t going to share any longer. I shared you the first time, and I won’t do it again. We agreed to be friends, for a week.

You saw my phone buzz while we were out to eat, and the sadness that overcame you as you realized I was starting to move on. You invited me back to your place to watch movies, where you laid on me and said you felt safe. And you promised me that exclusivity that I always wanted.

In a matter of another three weeks, you were breaking my heart again on my front door.

“You made a comment before about me wasting your time. And I just want you to be with someone that deserves you. You deserve someone that can give you everything you deserve, and I can’t do that. I don’t want to waste your time anymore.”

So I cried, and I got mad. But I met someone new that calmed the flutters and nausea. He quit making me feel like I was less than. He isn’t overwhelmingly romantic, but he hasn't disappointed me.

We quit speaking again, and I attempted to make it up to you with a cup of coffee. But then I logged onto Facebook and saw “In A Relationship” at the top of my feed. For months, you had been feeding me bullshit about waiting six months before you could offer someone that kind of commitment and if I really wanted you, I’d have to wait. And that’s when I realized that I didn’t need you anymore. Because I deserve someone who knows what they want and they work hard for it.