Chocolate Fudge Brownie Love

When I had gotten enough courage to unlock the door and leave the bathroom he was already gone. I knew he had to leave but never did I actually believe he’d leave like this. As I had locked myself in he hadn’t as much as banged on the door, even said he was sorry. The obvious thing was clearly he just didn’t love me enough anymore. For a second I thought of packing all my stuff down again, but where would I go? I didn’t want to go; I wanted to be here so I could feel close to him. This hurt, hurt so badly and it was already night outside. I dress up, I feel like dancing, like fucking my head up, maybe that would get him of my mind.

I saw you dancing, and I couldn't get you off my mind

It doesn’t take long until I’m not longer in control, the fact I hadn’t eaten anything all day just speeded the process up. The floor is crowded but I dance by myself in the middle of the floor. Though not for very long, suddenly a pair of hands are attaching to my hips forcing me to move in his pace. I turn around and I’m eminently pierced by Mat’s blue eyes. It was like he was looking straight through me and catches me as my knees gives up.

“Woho, I like when they fall at the vision of me but not that easy!” he joked, this is not the time for that I want to yell. But instead I allow him to carry me of the floor, out in the fresh air, I have nothing to protest with. “Are you alright!”

“I’m freaking fantastic, can’t you see that?” I try to act fine, I try to smile but I start to cry and his shoulder is the only one there for me to cry upon. I hate him for that. I hate Gabe for leaving, but mostly I just feel distance from these feeling. The tears are simply just coming and they wont stop.

“I’m taking you home!” he said and presses me close his trimmed body, surely something he has worked on. I get the feeling that he smells my hair and this disgusts me but what can I do about it, I can’t even stop crying at this point. With his arm around my waist he takes me home, all the way he keeps talking. When we’re inside of my apartment all I want is to shut him up, I kiss him. I don’t know why, I can’t stop myself. No longer am I in control of my actions, my body.

As he undresses me, I can’t and won’t say no. I just want to be loved. It didn’t matter where this love came from as long as it kept me feeling, kept me from crying my eyes out. When he touches me I get chills all over my body, his hands are cold. As he kisses my ears like Gabe does I pull away, this is just unbarring and I realize what I’m actually doing and it disgusts me more than ever. I’m doing what he did to me and I don’t want him to be hurt like me.

“Is something wrong?” he says as I push him away. “Did I do anything wrong?”

“I think you should go now!” I get off the bed and walk over to my underwear draw where I have hidden my cigarettes. I lit one up, not bothering in leaving the apartment. On the armchair I had brought from my old place I sit and watch him get dressed quickly. He tries to kiss my cheek before leaving but I push him away.

“This was a mistake, I never want to see you again,” I tell him as I sit there in a shirt Gabe had left on the chair. Soon I’ll start smelling like his again and everything will be fine. Everything will be fine I tell myself like a mantra, I desperately want to become true. I start to cry as the door slams behind him and as I shake my cigarette slides out of my grip and burns a black hole on the chair.

Sooner or later, it all comes crashing down

I wake up the next morning in my bed, just like the day before. Though this time I smell food, I smell heaven and I know he is back. My Gabe is back, I run out of the room and into the kitchen. In front of the stove he is standing, in his hood, his tight pants, glasses and black hair. I throw myself into his arm, press my face into his neck and smell him.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so freaking sorry! I’m sorry!” I say over and over again.