Out of the Darkness

After spending three days in the hospital, I headed home with my best friend in tow; she doesn’t trust me to be alone.

“I made a decision.” I said, sitting on my bed.

“And what’s that?”

“I wanna sell the house. I should’ve done it years ago because although there are plenty of memories in this house, all I see is Ethan dead on our bathroom floor.”

“I think that’s a great idea. Where do you plan on living in the meantime?”

“My parents’ house. They can keep an eye on me if need be and I’ll be with people I love. Eventually, I’d like to get an apartment, but now’s not the time.”

“Ethan would be proud of you.”

I nodded and placed my head on her shoulder.

“I love you. You know that?”

“I love you, too. So, what time is your AA meeting?”

I sighed.

“In two hours.”

During my time in the hospital, we all agreed on the fact that I’m an alcoholic and need help. I agreed to meetings to try and avoid going to rehab at all costs; I cannot even fathom being away from the most important people in my life for a month, especially after a suicide attempt.

“You’ll be okay.”

I packed a certain amount of clothes and other items before I made my way to my parents’ home.

“Hi, baby.” my mom said when I walked inside.

It was weird having a house key to my childhood home again.

“Hi, Mom. What smells so good?”

“Chicken enchilada soup. Trying out a new recipe.”

“I have high hopes. Is it ready yet?”

“Twenty minutes.”

“Hey, where’s Dad?”

“Out running errands. Should be home soon. What time’s your meeting?”

“A little over an hour. I am so nervous. This is five years of pain we’re talking about, so... yeah. It’s gonna’s be difficult.”

“I wouldn’t expect it to be easy. Your dad and I have all the confidence in you.”

Some time and a bowl of delicious soup later, my mom dropped me off at where my meeting was to be held and I waved goodbye. I let her know that I would text her when I was ready to be picked up before I went in. There ended up being twelve of us varying from people in their twenties to people in their fifties.

“Who would like to speak?”

I bit my lip as I debated on whether or not to speak. I slowly raised my hand.

“Hi. My name’s Sadie and I’m an alcoholic.” I said.

“Hi, Sadie.”

“I don’t know where to start. Umm... five years ago is when the drinking started. I came home one day to find my fiancé murdered in our bathroom. Since then, things have gone downhill. There have been leads and his case has been deemed a cold case. With each year that has passed, my drinking has gotten worse... to a degree where my loved ones were extremely worried about me. Just three days ago, I decided to end my life seeing as I couldn't live without him any longer. It might have been different if his case was solved, but it wasn’t. I got ready for a bath, grabbed a razor blade and took one last swig of my whiskey aka my alcohol of choice, and stepped in. My best friend came knocking on my front door as I pressed the blade to skin. I talked to her for a moment, not even caring that she was overly worried about me, then I pressed the blade to my skin. I could faintly hear her voice as I began to fade away. She saved me though and I spent three days in the hospital. If that isn’t a cry for help, I don't know what is, so here I am. It was a group decision for me to get help, and well... yeah. Thanks for listening.”

I looked down and teared up. The rest of the meeting was enlightening yet heartbreaking, but I was glad as I went to my first meeting. I was now feeling hungry and felt the need for coffee; sure, I enjoyed coffee before, but it's my replacement for alcohol now.

“Mom?” I asked, calling her afterward.

“Hey, sweetie. You ready to go?”

“I was hoping to get a cup of coffee and something to eat. Are you okay with that?”

“Of course. Want some company?”

“Would Dad mind?”

“Of course not. I’ll be there soon.”

I would call Ayla about this, but I felt it would be good to have a heart-to-heart with the person who has been there my entire life.

“Hey, Mom.” I said ten minutes later.

“Hey. You ready?”

“Absolutely.”

I opened the passenger car door and headed to the closest Denny’s. We were seated almost immediately and ordered coffee despite the fact it was one in the afternoon.

“Mmm... how can a simple cup of coffee taste so good?”

My mom laughed.

“It’s certainly an upgrade to alcohol.”

“You couldn’t be more right about that.”

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t miss drinking whiskey.

“So, how did the meeting go?”

“It was a bit rough especially since I spoke first. Talking about the past five years was difficult; I didn't go into full detail, but it was enough.”

Our waiter came by when I noticed a man walk past us and directly across the aisle. He looked quite familiar and I found out who he was by his voice. Thankfully, my mom and I hadn't ordered our meals yet, so I could approach him, perhaps.

“Sadie?” she asked.

“Yeah?”

“You seem distracted. What's going on?”

“So, you know who my favorite band is?”

“How couldn’t I?”

“Their frontman is sitting adjacent to us.”

“What are the chances?”

“I know. Right?”

How could I possibly chat Alex Gaskarth up without him thinking I want to date him? Because that's frowned upon if you are in recovery until a year has passed.

"How do you talk to a guy and not have him assume you want to flirt? Just talk. I don't know how to go about that."

"I wish I had that answer for you, honey. I'm sure you'll figure it out, though."

"Yeah." I said, running a hand through my hair.

“Hey, I’ll be right back. I need to use the restroom.”

“Okay.”

I looked back over to Alex and he caught me looking at him. I turned my head back quickly and opened up my phone. A few moments later, I heard someone move across from me, but it wasn't my mom.

“Hey.” he said.

It was him.

“Hey. I’m Sadie.”

“Alex.”

I couldn't believe what was happening.

“Pleasure to meet you.”

“You, too.”

“Is everything okay? I couldn’t help but notice you seem down.”

He noticed? Really? Am I that transparent?

“Yeah. Just going through stuff.” I said, playing with spinner ring.

A spinner ring is good for people who have anxiety, and boy, was I no exception.

“Anything I can help you with?”

This is when I heard my mom clear her throat.

“Sadie, who’s your friend?”

Ok, Mom. Play coy.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll move.” he said, noticing my mom.

“This is Alex.” I said, giving her a look.

“You don’t have to move. You can either move over or sit next to Sadie.”

It was an easy decision for Alex and he moved next to me after I slid in; my mom could be intimidating, and for some reason, he felt comfortable sitting next to me which made me smile.

“It’s nice to meet you, Alex.”

“You, too.”

“This wonderful woman here is my mom.” I said.

“You can call me Denise.”

He nodded.

“So... what do you do for a living?” she asked.

She was annoying me.

“You already know, Mom.”

“You do?”

“She knows because I’m an ATL fan. Isn't that right?"

My mom rolled her eyes; I was amused.

“For how long?” he asked me.

“Since The Party Scene came out.”

AKA thirteen years.

“Wow. That long.”

I blushed.

“I grew up in Baltimore and went to countless shows. All Time Low included, of course.”

Don't fan girl so much, Sadie. You'll chase him away.

"That's awesome."

I smiled and brushed hair out of my face. I knew my mom would say something about it later.

“That’s crazy.” I said with a laugh.

"Trust me. It's awesome."

I blushed then a lightbulb went off and I nudged my mom, mouthing, 'can we talk?' She agreed.

"I'll be back in a minute. Excuse me, Alex."

"Of course."

I gave him a smile and pulled my mom aside, enough that he was out of hearing distance.

“You’re making it hard to talk to him. He’s just someone I wanna talk to. I think he’s a bit uncomfortable as well.”

“Can you blame me? After everything you’ve went through… losing Ethan, the drinking… the suicide attempt. Have you forgotten that? It’s hard to turn off protective mode, you know. I’m your mother.”

“How can I possibly forget any of that? You didn’t live through that. I did and somehow, I’ve made it through.”

“If you want me to leave, I'll go, but I won't be happy about it."

Is she being serious right now?

"Are you trying to guilt trip me into letting you stay?"

Her overprotectiveness and intimidating nature was truly shining through.

"If you need anything and I mean, anything, please call me. Ok?"

"Ok."

She hugged me and then she said goodbye to Alex and how it was a pleasure to meet him before she left. I took a deep breath in and sighed as I sat across from him.

"I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but are you okay? I couldn't help but notice you and your mom having some type of argument."

I wish he didn't see us talking in the way we were.

"I'm fine. She just worries about me; don't blame her. I only wish she didn't try and guilt trip me into making her stay."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Why'd she want to leave?"

"She didn't. I told her she was making me uncomfortable and that you seemed to as well. Am I wrong about that?"

"No. I'm sure she had good intentions, but I was a bit uncomfortable."

"I'm so sorry about that. I just wanted to have a nice conversation, but... she has to make it difficult." I said, running a hand through my hair.

“You don’t need to apologize.”

I nodded.

“Anyway, what were we talking about?”

“I was being somewhat of a fan girl and also said how I grew up in Baltimore.”

He smiled.

“What’s with the smile?”

“I love the fact that you’re not an obsessive fan girl and a Baltimore native.”

“I loved growing up here, and quite honestly, I’ve never felt the need to leave. I met the love of my life here.”

I frowned when I mentioned Ethan; I should’ve been smiling, but when you’re still mourning your significant other, it’s highly difficult.

“What happened?”

He picked up on the frown.

“My fiancé died five years ago; it was unexpected.”

I didn’t want to get into detail, seeing as I just met him and someone I’ve wanted to meet for several years. I was bound to cry if I were to talk about him whether it be about his death or all the great things about him.

“So sorry to hear about your fiancé. Is that why your mom is so worried about you?”

“You could say that. There’s so much more, though. I don’t wanna get more into it; it’s depressing.”

“I understand. I won’t pry further if you’re not comfortable.”

“Yeah. I’d rather-“

We were interrupted and our orders were taken.

“I’d rather talk about something else, at least for a while.”

“I’m good with that. Wanna take the reins and ask questions?”

I smiled.

“Where do I start? Oh! I know your family moved to the U.S. when you were 8. How’d you adjust?”

“It was somewhat of a challenge, but I somehow did. Making friends made things easier and I eventually lost my accent.”

“That’s such a shame… losing your accent.”

“It’s not bad. I can easily bring it back if I feel like it… or now, if you’d like.”

I chuckled.

“Sometime, maybe.” I said, taking a sip of my coffee.

He smiled and nodded.

“I’ll remember you said that.”

“You do that.”

I am hoping he is not seeing this as a date, but if he does, I have to set him straight; dating is frowned upon in recovery, after all… well, at least after a year.

“This looks delicious.” I said, once our food came.

“So does mine.”

We went through a comfortable for a few minutes until he spoke again,

“Sadie?”

“Yeah?”

“Is it too early to ask for your number?”

“If you’re okay with not going out on a date.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“I’m okay with that. Definitely. You’re a cool chick.”

I smiled.

“I didn’t want you to assume anything. With what I’m going through right now, dating is just not suitable for me. A big no which is a bummer.”

He nodded.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I don’t wanna go into detail about it right now, though.”

“That’s fine.”

“Thanks for understanding. I was excited to meet you today. I didn’t think it would ever happen,”

“Well, it’s been a pleasure talking to you.”

“That’s great to hear.”

When the check came, he refused to let me pay despite me offering. Of course, with him paying for lunch, the great time we had hanging out, was over and I had to go back to my parent’s house. I did not want to, but there was other choice unless I was to hang out with my best friend at her apartment; that would not be a choice at least for two hours or so.

“Hope to hear from you soon.” he said.

“I’m sure you will.” I said, hugging him.

After my mom picked me up, I knew she would have questions.

“Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah. I hope to talk to him soon.”

“Does he understand you’re not allowed to date for at least a year?”

“I didn’t get that far. He just knows that dating is off-limits for me.

“And he’s fine with that?”

“He’s fine with that.” I sighed.

But I wish there was a chance it could be more right now.