Just Because
April
It was the end of a very long day. I'd spent the majority of it glued to my laptop, something my father was especially not fond of. He didn't know what I was so focused on, but he also liked to give us our space every once in a while, which actually was very much appreciated. Years ago, he had been so controlling over the things we watched, the things we listened to, honestly he would have done everything in his power to find out what it was that was circling our minds.
But Mable's departure changed him. She was the one closest to him, but she also was the first of us to leave. It left my father in a confused, depressive state. But he also made sure to never mention her again. I remember him having one conversation with us after she left, telling us we are to have any communication with Mable any longer. But her name never again left his lips after that day. At least not to me.
I kept scrolling down on a job search site. Don't get me wrong, as much as I loved being home and spending most of my day in bed, that wasn't exactly what I wanted to be doing at 26. At least in the farm I had my daily duties, things I was good at and did a great job taking care of. But after the move to New Jersey, the need of money became greater. I began to see women with different fashion styles, I wanted to experiment and feel better about myself. But this would be impossible without money. But most of all, the thought of going to New York someday was taking over my every dream and thought.
"Is everything okay, love?" my worried father asked, walking into my room and quickly making himself comfortable on the edge of my bed.
"Yes, dad. I - I'm honestly just looking for a job," I had set the laptop to the side, giving my father my full attention.
"A job?" he asked, confusingly, "But you have everything you need here."
"Dad, I am 26, I am not a baby," I insisted, "I want to travel every now and then. I need clothes, shoes,"
"You have some pretty cute outfits, what is wrong with them?"
"Dad, I've had most of my clothes for almost ten years now. I think it's time I dress like a woman."
He looked at me surprisingly, then looking down at his over worked palms that sat above his thighs. He smiled to himself, looking up at me once again, "You're not a woman, you're my baby," he continued innocently smiling, which made my insisting face smile as well.
"Dad, I want to travel," I positioned myself towards him, "I want to go to New York."
"New York? Why New York?" my father didn't have a clue where my sister was, so me mentioning this dream state didn't seem all that worrying to him. But perhaps I took advantage of his ignorance.
"I want to try the food, I want to see the sights, the museums."
He looked down, pointing his lips to the side of his face as if he was in the middle of deciding between two very big choices, "Well, at your age I had been married to your mother for three years, I'd already had two of your sisters. I guess it wouldn't be a bad thing for you to go out and explore," every word that left his lips were meant to give me the okay, but in reality I could clearly see he was simply attempting to convince himself that this would be fine. But the fact he was even being positive made me sit silently and wonder exactly how badly my sister's leaving had affected him. I'd spent so long wondering about going to New York, but never had the guts to speak to him about it. I always figured the conversation would be a lot heavier and negative. But my father was seemingly encouraging, "When you save up, go ahead. But take one of your sisters with you," he kissed my forehead and got up from the edge of the bed, arching his back until I heard a pop from his joints. He walked away as he jokingly grabbed onto his hips.
I didn't say another word, even though the thought of taking one of my older sisters with me on such a trip didn't seem very appealing to me. They were always a lot more strict, even more so than my parents at times. I remember one occassion where I wore a pair of shorts, my sister Melanie absolutely lost it. She couldn't believe I was exposing my legs and made me enter the house once more to change. So the thought of taking her, or Miranda with me, didn't seem like a good idea. But I kept these thoughts to myself. I figured that with time, I would be able to convince my father that I was old enough to go alone.
I went back to my job search, scrolling quickly through the endless options.
But Mable's departure changed him. She was the one closest to him, but she also was the first of us to leave. It left my father in a confused, depressive state. But he also made sure to never mention her again. I remember him having one conversation with us after she left, telling us we are to have any communication with Mable any longer. But her name never again left his lips after that day. At least not to me.
I kept scrolling down on a job search site. Don't get me wrong, as much as I loved being home and spending most of my day in bed, that wasn't exactly what I wanted to be doing at 26. At least in the farm I had my daily duties, things I was good at and did a great job taking care of. But after the move to New Jersey, the need of money became greater. I began to see women with different fashion styles, I wanted to experiment and feel better about myself. But this would be impossible without money. But most of all, the thought of going to New York someday was taking over my every dream and thought.
"Is everything okay, love?" my worried father asked, walking into my room and quickly making himself comfortable on the edge of my bed.
"Yes, dad. I - I'm honestly just looking for a job," I had set the laptop to the side, giving my father my full attention.
"A job?" he asked, confusingly, "But you have everything you need here."
"Dad, I am 26, I am not a baby," I insisted, "I want to travel every now and then. I need clothes, shoes,"
"You have some pretty cute outfits, what is wrong with them?"
"Dad, I've had most of my clothes for almost ten years now. I think it's time I dress like a woman."
He looked at me surprisingly, then looking down at his over worked palms that sat above his thighs. He smiled to himself, looking up at me once again, "You're not a woman, you're my baby," he continued innocently smiling, which made my insisting face smile as well.
"Dad, I want to travel," I positioned myself towards him, "I want to go to New York."
"New York? Why New York?" my father didn't have a clue where my sister was, so me mentioning this dream state didn't seem all that worrying to him. But perhaps I took advantage of his ignorance.
"I want to try the food, I want to see the sights, the museums."
He looked down, pointing his lips to the side of his face as if he was in the middle of deciding between two very big choices, "Well, at your age I had been married to your mother for three years, I'd already had two of your sisters. I guess it wouldn't be a bad thing for you to go out and explore," every word that left his lips were meant to give me the okay, but in reality I could clearly see he was simply attempting to convince himself that this would be fine. But the fact he was even being positive made me sit silently and wonder exactly how badly my sister's leaving had affected him. I'd spent so long wondering about going to New York, but never had the guts to speak to him about it. I always figured the conversation would be a lot heavier and negative. But my father was seemingly encouraging, "When you save up, go ahead. But take one of your sisters with you," he kissed my forehead and got up from the edge of the bed, arching his back until I heard a pop from his joints. He walked away as he jokingly grabbed onto his hips.
I didn't say another word, even though the thought of taking one of my older sisters with me on such a trip didn't seem very appealing to me. They were always a lot more strict, even more so than my parents at times. I remember one occassion where I wore a pair of shorts, my sister Melanie absolutely lost it. She couldn't believe I was exposing my legs and made me enter the house once more to change. So the thought of taking her, or Miranda with me, didn't seem like a good idea. But I kept these thoughts to myself. I figured that with time, I would be able to convince my father that I was old enough to go alone.
I went back to my job search, scrolling quickly through the endless options.