I Understand Now

From the moment I met you, I sensed you didn't like me. That you had already made up some version of me that I just wasn't, and you clung onto it for a very long time. I always wanted to please you. How could I not? I've always pleased my superiors, gained their favor with my hard work and disposition, and I wanted to do that with you as well.

No use. What a time-consuming, soul-sucking, mind-tiring thing to do. What a foolish thing on my part. And I didn't learn, until much later, that there's no pleasing you, not because of something in me, but because of your own fruitless, life-long search for perfection within yourself, which only leads you to push your own frustration on others and blame it on them.

In your mind, you know what you are, and you probably see yourself as a failure, because you know perfection doesn't exist. But in front of others, you sell yourself larger than life and make everyone around you feel inferior.

But after so much time, and after so much talk on your part, after so many confessions to others (because I was never worthy enough for you), I know you know. And I know why you do things the way you do. But until I reached that point, you hurt me a lot. You made me feel bad, insufficient, sad, hopeless, void, frustrated and angry, and for that I will never forgive you.

Look at me. You will look me in the eyes and know, you and I as we are now know what you did, and I still stood there by your side. When everything was said and done, in those dark times, I was the only one who stood by your side, when no one else did, when your precious ones left you, I was the one to support you.

And you know that.

I can see it in your eyes that after all that's happened between us, after you had to change your attitude towards me because you got a glimpse of how things were going to be without me, after I accepted that change and forgave you and pretended the bad stuff didn't happen, and we built something with a lot of effort to have some semblance of order and harmony for the new ones, after all, that day I looked into your eyes, at that very moment I knew you knew, that you remembered.

I thought you'd forgotten, and there were many occasions in which I thought you didn't notice, weren't aware or simply didn't know (and that was on me for never letting you know, but I always felt like if I ever told you, everything would shatter apart and it would get so much worse for me), but in the end, you always knew. And that only makes you guiltier in my eyes.

I don't forgive you, and now I understand you and where all that you did to me came from. Now I know as well that all I have is everything you ever wanted and never will get.

And that's my biggest fuck-you to you.