Return Of The Knife Master

Unamused brown eyes locked narrowly on brightly shining pools of blue, though despite his best efforts, Brian just did not know what to say. The drummer had been sitting in his living room for over twenty minutes now and had explained to him several times the nature of his absence, but it wasn’t making any sense.

“I still don’t understand, Jimmy. This is the most bizarre thing I have ever heard in my entire life. And I grew up with you and all of your antics, so that is saying quite a lot.”

“I know, it’s a lot to take in. If it makes you feel better, I don’t fully understand it yet either,” he offered with a slight shrug of his shoulders now. “I think the thing is we, as humans, overcomplicate everything. Everything has to have a reason. There has to be an explanation for everything, you know? Time, space, and everything in between has a rhyme, reason, and a purpose for being how it is. And this is just…..” pausing for a moment, his hands came up into a weighing motion to illustrate his thinking process. “It’s honestly so much simpler than that.”

“You said you don’t even know how it works. And me? I’m sitting here waiting for the delusion to end, or for me to wake up out of this incredibly strange dream. But for the life of me, Jimmy, this is you, and you’ve always been so genuine. So much so that I am starting to really question what’s real and what is a figment of my own imagination.”

“Well, yeah. I said I don’t fully understand the ins and outs of how it all works, where it fits, and why it is the way it is; I just know that it somehow does. Look at me, I’m here. I never really left. Not fully, anyway.” His smile was so infectious, that the guitarist couldn’t help but allow one to pull at his own lips.

“Look, Jimmy. I’m going to need some more clarification here. If this is real, if I’m not insane, I need something more than just, ‘I’m here’. You can’t just hand in your last track for the album, go to bed, and disappear for ten years and show back up like nothing happened.”

“The best I know to say is, we as humans only use about ten percent of our brains on average. Whether it’s some form of amnesia, some sort of emotional block, fear, or whatever, ninety nine percent of people are born into this dimension, they grow up, grow old, and die without ever giving that other ninety percent of their brain a second thought, you know? I always thought there had to be more, but I never went out and searched for it. Somehow it just happened, and I’ve been through a lot in this last decade. I’ve seen a lot, learned a lot, and I’ve done way more than I ever thought I would do in my entire life, let alone in just a handful of years. I can’t explain it, it’s really just something I do now. It’s part of life now; it’s the way of life.”

“So back up for me for a minute. You started to explain and then you didn’t. Go back to the ten percent of your brain part. That’s where I’m at.”

“Well, that’s really it. I know it sounds crazy, but for whatever reason, that block just started dissolving for me. It started probably around August that year. I ended up in a place in my head during the creative writing process, and it just evolved from there. It was weird, confusing, intriguing, and terrifying all at once,” the drummer said with a large anxiety-tipped exhale, and he just shook his head. “It just happened one day. I was sitting in my room watching tv, and I went to use the bathroom and I found I wasn’t in my house anymore. It was the craziest thing.”

“What are we talking about here? Like, conspiracy theory, secret society type stuff?”

“Not really. I mean, some people might think it is, but it’s really not. I just made some discoveries and it all started from there.”

“So…..” trying to wrap his mind around this was about as much as a plight as trying to successfully learn to breathe underwater, and the more time that passed by, the more he began to feel like his mental health had taken a drastic turn. “You’re, like, immortal right?”

The once pierced lips of the older man flew open and a volcanic eruption of the most infectious laughter rang out of his body. The sound was soothing to the guitarist, after not having heard it in so long, but his confusion did not allow him to join in. The amusement continued until tears fell from his eyes, and it threw him into a string of coughs.

“Oh my God, dude, that’s funny as hell. Immortal?” he snorted twice, and his arms crossed over his stomach to ease the pain in his sides from such a display. “God, no. I’m not immortal! What makes you think that?”

“Really?” the flat tone of his voice spoke for itself, and it caused Jimmy to begin to calm.

“I’m sorry dude. That was just really funny. I forget that you don’t know this stuff. No, I’m not immortal. What do you think I am, some sort of vampire or something?”

“Well, are you?” the hearty laughter that blipped out of his friend was quickly dampened by the now sharp look thrown his way, and it caused him to keep his focus.

“No, I’m not a vampire. Vampires don’t exist. Or, at least, not like people think. They’re out there, but they’re not some supernatural being that lives on the blood of people and livestock. They’re just normal people like you and I who are on their journey trying to figure out who they are.”

“Then what are you?”

“I don’t know, dude. I’m just Jimmy, I’m just me. It’s all I’ve ever been,” the statement was one of the simplest things that had ever left his lips, yet it encompassed everything he’d ever been. Genuine, happy, and extremely humble.

“So, you’re telling me there’s nothing special or different about you?” an eyebrow raised over at him now.

“Nothing special. Still the same old weirdo I’ve always been,” he chuckled lightly with the little bit of assurance he was relaying. “I’ve learned a lot of things and I’ve seen more than I ever thought existed out there, for sure, but in the core of who I am, I’m no different than the last time we saw each other. I’m just more aware of my surroundings now, I guess you could say. I don’t know.”

“So, for my own personal sanity, can you please explain what happened ten years ago? I’ve been through hell since then. All of us have. Forgive me if I sound like a broken record, but I don’t understand. I mean, for me to go from having talked to you earlier in the day like usual to then wake up to a phone call that you were gone was the single most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I need something more than, ‘it just happened’.”

“I’ve been thinking about how to answer that for what seems like forever. You’d think after all this time, I would be able to articulate what happens. Basically, my brain is working at more than the average ten percent. I’m still my normal self, for the most part. I eat, sleep, shower and shave, have sex, play the drums, and do everything I’ve always done. The only difference is where I do those things. It’s not always the same.”

“Okay, just so I’m clear; you are one hundred percent alive and have been this entire time?”

“Yes. Alive and well. Confused as fuck for the equivalent of about the first two to three years, but other than that, yes. Alive and well, nonetheless.”

“Okay, alright,” the stringsman conceited a little bit, and slipped down further into the couch cushions. Letting his head come to rest against the back of the couch, he brought a hand up to pinch at the bridge of his nose, in hopes of staving off the enormous headache that was starting to creep in. “Let’s say I believe you, and trust me when I say, it takes nothing for me to want to believe you in a heartbeat versus the hell it’s been without you all this time…..but I need you to explain to me how. Not like, how-how. Not in the way it actually physically happened, but…..how? The Jimmy I’ve always known would never willfully disappear like that and just cut all ties with everyone. That’s not you, and I’m having a hard time with that aspect of it.” The way he was sitting reminded him of his days at the shrink’s office. For a split second, he really wished he would have listened better to that man. Perhaps it could help him get a grip on reality; whatever it was at this point.

“When it first happened, when I found myself somewhere between what I thought was asleep and awake, it was all fun and games. I thought I had to be dreaming, and I was just skipping around, being as crazy as ever, and God, the looks people gave me. They must have thought I was on a bad acid trip or something,” he said with a shake of his head as he remembered those first few days. “It was like something out of a movie. I was walking around, hanging out with random people, inviting myself into people’s houses, and helped myself to whatever I wanted. It’s amazing I didn’t get shot or something—what?”

“Shot?” Brian laughed now, for the first time in the conversation. “You said it’s amazing you didn’t get shot. They don’t actually have guns in Heaven, do they?”

Now it was Jimmy’s turn to be confused. His head cocked at his friend, “Heaven?”

“Yeah. That’s where you were, right? Something like a scene right out of Afterlife.”

“No…..I haven’t been to Heaven. Don’t even know where it is. It may be in a totally different solar system or plane or something. I kind of just stick to this corner of the universe.”

“Wait a minute. If you didn’t go to Heaven, where the fuck did you go?” a subtle anger latched onto his words now as the thought really sunk in. He was trying not to get ahead of himself here, but it was rapidly becoming a minefield in his mind. Being that he didn’t comprehend any of this, his questions and Jimmy’s politician type answers were running amuck in the recess of his brain, and it was creating all sorts of havoc.

“Hang on. One question at a time. I was not in Heaven. Never been there, don’t know where it is,” he recapped briefly, and he used his hands to accompany what he was saying. “Now, it’s going to be difficult to explain without taking you there, but I’ve basically been here the whole time.” He held up a hand when Brian snapped up from his relaxed position to protest. “Well not here here, because I obviously wouldn’t have been away for so long; but basically, it’s another, I don’t know, we’ll call it another realm of here. Anyway, when it first happened, I didn’t know what was going on and it terrified me dude. I didn’t understand, and I thought it was all a dream so I was doing all this random crazy stuff. It took me a good three or four days to realize that if it was a dream, it was a long ass one, because I had slept several times since then. When I figured it out, I freaked out and basically realized I was trapped. I was going backwards and forwards, but wasn’t quiet understanding how to get back to…well, I’m gonna call it reality because, this is your understanding of that. And I wasn’t in control of any of it. I didn’t know how, and I just kept getting kicked back and forth to different places and ages with seemingly no rhyme or reason, and it scared the shit out of me.”

“You were stuck somewhere? Where the fuck were you stuck at that you couldn’t call, or write? Or at least haunt us in our sleep?” he practically shouted now in barely bridled anger. If this was true, then what he was hearing was the drummer had been just fine this entire time, and yet he couldn’t be bothered to get in contact with anyone. How the hell could he do that to everyone?

“I tried, dude! I feel awful about this, because looking back, it was so fucking simple. But I didn’t know then what I know now, and I can’t really take that back. I hope that one day you guys can forgive my absence. It was never, ever my intention to hurt you. Any of you. You guys are my heart and soul—”

“Yeah, whatever Jimmy. One day, if it turns out I’m not cracked out of my mind, dead, or otherwise labeled just plain old psychotic, I’ll try to find a way to forgive you. But right now, I’m still stuck on where you were? Just give me a straight answer! If you weren’t ‘here, here’, and you weren’t in Heaven, where the fuck where you for ten fucking years?!”

“I was going back and forth and trying to figure things out. Of course, I took some time in certain places, but pretty much this entire time, I was trying to get back into your reality. You have to believe me, Brian. I had no idea how much time had passed until just recently!”

“Where the hell were you? I’m seriously about to lose my shit here. I’m trying to be as understanding as I would hope I could be in case this whole mind fuck is real, but the fact that you were just gone and then just showed back up tonight is a bit overwhelming here!”

“I went a lot of places on this journey. I’ve seen things and people that I’d only read about before. It was fucking incredible dude. It took me a good long while to realize how to actually move back and forth freely like that, and I felt really stupid when I realized how simple it was to get back,” he paused a minute now to bite at his lip. Anxiety like he hadn’t felt in what seemed like ages was back gnawing at him, like it had never left. Letting out a silent exhale, he continued, “Once I worked out the mechanics of it all, I took a little bit to kind of work out the kinks and get a grip on what I was doing. I seriously thought only a few months had gone by. It’s so easy to lose track when you’re bouncing back and forth like that. Once I pieced it together and I realized it had been this long, I split the difference and came back this way as soon as I could.”

“Dude, I feel like I’m in the damn twilight zone. For the love of God, what do you mean bouncing back and forth and splitting the difference?”

“Well….isn’t it obvious?” a look of mixed emotion swept the older man’s face, and he locked eyes with the absolutely exasperated and bewildered guitarist. “Back and forth and…splitting the time difference to circle back around to be here.”

-

While Brian was busy hosting the equivalent of a Broadway Show of 20+ Questions, Avenged’s bassist was on his way to the rhythm’s house. He had left the house early enough, but found he was having trouble concentrating on the way over. He was distracted by the eyesore that was a small splotch of mustard he’d dropped on his jeans just before getting in the car as he finished a snack, because he had the bright idea to save time by eating on the go. His stomach was churning from the much too greasy snack, coupled with the ball of nerves that grew the more miles he put between his house and Zack’s.

Though he never said a word about it, Johnny hated this time of year. The holidays were nothing without Jimmy, and adding in December 28 into the mix was just too much to bare. He missed the hell out of the man, and while he understood the logic behind the annual gathering, he honestly wished they would spread the reminiscing and celebrating his life out over the whole year versus compounding it into one day.

Slowing to a stop at the red light before him, his thumbs drummed over the steering wheel of his large SUV. This just happened to be the cross street that led to the old cemetery where they used to hang out as teens. How tempting it was to be so close, and how tragic he was on a time crunch. After all, it was nearing 6, and he didn’t want to be late. Right?

Right.

But Jimmy would understand if he drove by their old stomping grounds to take a minute to calm his nerves, wouldn’t he?

Of course he would. Jimmy was a fucking saint like that.

Glancing in his rear-view mirror, the bassist threw on his turn signal and, being that no one was around, he cut across three lanes and made the right hand turn for the detour. His original intention was to swing by the deserted graveyard and spend a little time alone, reminiscing about the drummer, but it was still a good ten minutes from where he was. With each passing block, the knots in his stomach grew worse. His hands began to sweat, and his heart rate increased as anxiety threatened to fully settle in.

“Fuck this shit,” he mumbled, and pulled over to the side of the road.

Exhaling a silent thanks to the universe that weed was legal in the great state of California, he opened the center console and fished out the little black bag he’d stashed inside earlier. He made quick work of rolling himself a rather large blunt, and promptly lit it. If he had to go to this thing, he was going to roll up loud as fuck and chill as ever. Life was too short to live anything less than California sober.