Be Mine

“Hey,” I quietly whisper. “Give me just a second.” I say into the phone.

“You guys are still sleeping?” He chuckles, “It’s the afternoon. Don’t you have class or work?”

I slowly got out of bed and crept out of the bedroom. I didn’t want Jamie to hear me. I didn’t want him to follow me.

“Not today. Jamie and I had a late night.” I whistle for Jack to follow me out to the backyard. I grab one of the lawn chairs and plop down. I’m hardly awake right now. “Jamie’s leaving for his press tour this afternoon. It’s probably the last bit of normal sleep he will get for a while.”

I watch as Jack bolts straight to the trees and starts barking. The squirrels are taunting him again.

“I think I’d choose to be single over coming home to an empty bed at night.” He laughs. “I don’t know how you do it.”

“You might not remember but we tried being separated. It sucked and it didn’t last long.” I laugh at my own memories of Jamie and I trying to convince ourselves that we could be just friends. We’d visit each other for weeks at a time which usually consisted of dates that we called friend dates and they consisted of going to dinner, making out in his apartment, and tons of sex.

While we were separated we dated other people. He had a long time girlfriend while I had a boyfriend of a few years but that never stopped us from fucking every chance we got. (I’m not proud of that statement.)

“Nora, don’t you think it’s weird that you never told Jamie about anything that happened with your last boyfriend?” He briefly pauses. “I know you think he’s your soulmate and you guys will be together forever but Jamie doesn’t know a big chunk of your life.”

I think about it for a moment. I never felt like he needed to know. I thought he’d be safer and didn’t want him to suddenly see me as a fragile girl who needed him to keep her safe. “He knows that I changed my name because I had a stalker.” I rest my elbows on my knees and stare at the ground. “I’ll take what happened with Carson to my grave. Jamie doesn’t need to know that he’s the reason Carson snapped. He would never forgive himself. He’d think it’s his fault. I don’t want that.”

“A relationship built on lies doesn’t last.”

I roll my eyes. I lean back in my chair and let the sun soak into my skin. I needed it. “Is this really what we are going to talk about right now? What are you, my therapist?” I tease. “Spit it out.”

“Well, why I think you should tell Jamie about Carson is because we think it’s him that kidnapped and murdered the three women.” He pauses. I know he’s trying to gauge my reaction but I feel terrified. I can’t speak. Why the fuck now? “He’s branding them, Nor. Just like Aleah and you...”

I cringe at his words. My eyes start to water. I never told anyone besides the investigators about the branding. Jamie had asked me one time while I was changing but I told him I was young and thought that branding the top of my hip would be a cool idea. I know he bought it. He’s never asked about it again. It’s a simple heart and though it’s dainty, it holds some of my worst memories.

Thoughts of Aleah flood my mind. I tried to save her. I really did, but I couldn’t do anything. My body was tired, my mind was hardly there. I couldn’t do anything but watch as she was murdered. I knew I was next. He baited me by kidnapping Aleah. He knew I would do anything to help her, but he lied. He didn’t let her go once I got there. He kept both of us for five days.

I can’t get into those thoughts. Not now. It’s too dark and I don’t know if I’ll come out of it. I worked hard to get to where I am. Mentally, spiritually…sexually. I am healed. I felt safe and comfortable, and just like that I am reminded about how cruel life can be.

“I can’t. I don’t, Josh…what do we do?” I finally let the tears freely run down my face. “You know, Carson thought that I paid the paparazzi to take those pictures? To rub it in his face that I broke up with him?” I bring my hand to my face and cover my eyes. My heart violently thuds against my chest. “Is he going to kill me?” I feel like I’m going to lose everything again.

I hear the sliding glass door open. I whip my head around and almost drop my phone in the process. Jamie appears on the deck with a brown beanie placed over his messy hair. His sunglasses cover his eyes. He’s in a black t-shirt and sweats with bare feet. His cigarette is dangling from his lips. He puts it between his fingers. He gives a toothy grin but his smile retracts when he notices my dismay. He blows me a kiss which earns a soft smile from me.

“Nora, we are going to find him. I just need you to be careful and with Jamie leaving I think you should come stay with one of us. That way we know where you are and if you are safe. I know it sounds crazy. We think he’s going to keep killing until he feels he finished what he started.” His voice is shaky.

I know they want to use me for bait…

“Like bait, you mean?” I quiet my voice. “I know you aren’t asking me to help with the cases. Considering this is my last year until I get my bachelors degree and I’ve never been on the field. I’m-”

“Rambling?” He briefly pauses. “You’re intelligent, Nora and you’ve been around this your whole life. You can help us. We will get him this time.”

I wanted to get into this field to protect women like me and to protect myself. I’m not saying a gun would make me feel better or stronger. If I could read people and know what their next move is, I’d never be afraid. I’m almost to that point, I’m almost done, but I don’t feel any safer. I feel more scared knowing that I can feel and see things that people hide from everyone else.

“Alright. Keep in touch.” I press the end button and wipe my eyes that are now puffy and irritated.

I don’t want to change my name again. I don’t want to explain to Jamie that I’m changing my name out of fear. I don’t want to hide under a rock again.

I feel two hands gently rest on my shoulders. Jamie. His touch put me at ease. Whenever he was around I felt my problems were small and that I was safe. Jamie was my protector and he was never afraid to show it.

“Love, do you think they gave us a defective dog?” He takes a drag of his cigarette and crouches beside me. “It would explain a lot.” He exhales and with his free hand he rests his hand on mine. “You alright?”

My eyes water again. Jamie takes his sunglasses off and tucks them into his pocket. His blue eyes are wandering around my face. He’s searching for answers but I can’t give him any. I don’t know what I would do if something ever happened to Jamie because of me.
He brings his hand to my face and gently wipes the tears on my cheek. “Talk to me. What is it?”

I’m fucking scared.

Nora, tell him you are scared.

Tell him his life could be in danger.

I shake my head and let out a soft breath. “ It’s silly, I just miss my family and I’m going to miss you. I just feel like I’m going to be alone a lot and I'm not used to it.” I grab his hand in mine. “I love you, Jamie.”

I know he can tell some things up but he’s not going to mention it. He doesn’t want to fight me about it. He knows I’ll talk about it when I’m ready but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to tell him.

What is wrong with you?

“I love you too,Nora. You sure that’s it?” He puts his cigarette out and stands up; he reaches his hands out to me and I gladly take them. His arms wrap around my shoulders and he holds me close against his chest. I know there is more to this…you can tell me anything, baby girl.” He runs his fingers through my hair. “Would it make you feel better if I have Sam stop by and check on you every once in a while?” He kisses the top of my head. “You’ll be graduating in no time and I’ll be there to cheer my favorite lady on! You’re going to be ok.”

At this moment I believe him. I pull away just enough to look at his face. “How did I get so lucky?”

Jamie kisses my nose. “I ask myself that every time I see you.” His words make me melt. “Let’s go get lunch before you take me to the airport. One last date together before I leave.”

I nod my head. “That sounds perfect.” I don’t know if there is a god. I’ve never been religious, but I know I will be praying for Jamie’s safety every day that he’s gone.