Breaking Free isn't Easy

"Hell hath no wrath on a woman scorned". That's a pretty good saying, that one, but it doesn't only apply to women. It applies to men too. Because people, you see, we're animals by nature, and a wounded animal is capable of unspeakable things. I am capable of so many things I didn't know. But how far can a human mind be pushed until its breaking point? How much mistreatment can a person take before they snap? It seems there's a limit I wasn't aware of it until this point. And what once horrified me now I see as merely games. "How could someone do something so terrible?" Oh, boy. You're in for a surprise, kid. Let me murder something that is holy to you. Watch me do it because I can, and now those past horrors seem so silly. Child's play. What an irony.

I know that I've changed, fundamentally. But when did that turning point became something tangible? I can't recall. Life isn't clear-cut. Love sure isn't, and this insane brand of it- no. So I couldn't pinpoint exactly. But I know that for a few months now, a situation that has been going on my whole life has become unbearable in such a short time. Why? I feel like I've been underwater, or in a haze, telling myself from the outside in to snap out of it, but I never did. What made me, then? And now I feel like I've broken out to the surface, and I'm gasping in desperate breaths that don't quite do it for me, and I also acutely feel the pain of being all those years underwater, and feeling it all so keenly is getting to me.

So I can't stay with you anymore. I can't stand being near you, when I don't know which way is up anymore. You bring out the very worst in me. You bring out sides I didn't even know existed. But I've read too much. I've lived too many lives. And so I've learned some of the worst things too. I can't share my house, my life, with someone like that. And I don't feel the pain of it yet, I can't with all the anger taking up space, but I will, eventually. By then you'll be far away, stewing in the lies that you say to yourself and the ones you said to me, and I hope you regret those decisions that led you to this. Because you put yourself there. Don't think for one second anyone else did. It was you. And I've yelled it to your face, and you won't admit it, and denying the truth to someone to their face might be the worst kind of crime in this situation. Nothing feels worse that somebody else denying something you've seen with your own two eyes, that you've lived through and the other person was there too, and saying it's your fabrication, that they're lies and you're crazy. Well guess what. I've been going to a shrink, and also been taught some fun terms. Gas lighting. Mental manipulation. They're all forms of abuse. And he agrees that my problem is you. Otherwise I'm fine.

So no, you're not innocent, and you did do those things. You forgot there were other witnesses? God, so many witnessed those things, and they were too horrified with you to stay. And they abandoned me too in the process, people I loved, because I stayed with you. Biggest mistake of my life. You should've left then, like you threatened so many times you would, but never did because it was all for show, and you were too much of a coward to actually do it. You are now too, but now I'm throwing you out. After that, I plan to disappear from your life, because this house, you know where it is, and so you'll have no clue. And that'll stop me from feeling in danger all the damn time.

I hope one day you'll realize all the wrong you've done, all the hurt you've caused, the ugliness of your actions, the horror you put everyone through. Because right now you're so deep in denial you lost sight of yourself. And it's painful and frustrating to see. I didn't know it was actually possible. How naive of me. But now I know better, and I can't help you. Hopefully someday someone will, if only so that you realize the scope of your actions. And I'm not so graceful as to wish you a better life, I'm too angry and hurt and bitter for that, so I hope you drown in an endless sea of regret, and then fade into obscurity. And I'll let myself heal from you, starting now.