Desiderium

"Mama, I don't feel good."

Katie's face looked thin - like she was sucking on her cheeks to chew them. It was an awful habit that she picked up as a child, and as much as she liked to say she outgrew it, she never did.

Any habit that made Katie unpretty was a bad one. Absolutely could not be seen chewing nails, nervously picking, or sucking cheeks. The only one she allowed herself was twirling her hair. That was lady like, and maybe if the right person saw it, they would think it endearing. Certainly, no one thinks that habit would belong to a nervous wreck.

It was all about appearances for Katie. If she looked good, she felt good. If people said nice things about her, then she was nice. If people envied her, well, that was the absolute highest compliment. And, didn't Katie love to have a compliment.

Mama didn't fuss for a second, "Your bag is already packed." Mama was twirling around in the bathroom. There was a still a bunch of toiletries to shove into bags before she did her double and triple checks. Her flight left in four hours, so she needed to leave for the airport in the next 30 minutes.

Katie would head off to Amber's house, and I would stay bunkered in.

It wasn't that Mama didn't trust Katie, but it would be easier with her at Amber's. Amber's ma always had hot food, gave the girls money to go to the corner market, and most of all, kept them preoccupied.

It was sure a talent, at least Mama said, to keep four teenage girls busy and out of trouble. She would often sigh and give me that sad look before stating, "One day, Riley, that'll be you, too."

There was never any fear of me leaving the house and running down to the creek. Katie did that nearly every Friday. There was never any fear of me sneaking boys in through the backdoor. Katie's been caught twice. There was never any fear of cigarettes turning up in my backpack. Katie claims she has no idea how they got there.

"I think I'm really sick," she whines. Her knees even buckle along with her inflection, "Please, don't make me go. I wanna stay home." There's tears in her eyes, but I don't think Mama has noticed them quite yet.

"Ms. Daughtry has ordered dinner; I already gave her the money for it. I can't be wasting that. You'll have fun!"

"I'm sick! I'm going throw up!" The whine has half turned into a shout and she stamps her foot down like she was no more than three and throwing a fit.

Mama stops moving and gives a long exhale through her nose. If I could see her face better, I bet the bridge of her nose was pinched. "Katie, what's wrong? And, do not say you're sick."

Katie looks at me. It's a quick side glance packed with daggers. It's the first time she's acknowledged that I've been watching. I almost want to back away, but I've been caught. I don't move. I know that whatever Katie says next, I must pretend that I never heard it.

"Look," it's a hot whisper, "I'm scared, okay. So please don't make me go."

Mama really stops now, dropping her hands to her sides and turning to face Katie. I see how much her eyes have soften into concern, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm scared. I can't really describe it. I," she starts to stammer over her words, "I couldn't really describe it if I wanted to, Ma, but I do know that if I go to Amber's tonight, something bad is gonna happen. Something real bad."

Katie doesn't care that she's noticeably sucking on her cheeks, her nails digging into her palms, bad habits on display. Both Mama and I have stepped closer, willing Katie to keep talking. She doesn't though. She just moves her lips some like she's going to talk, but no noise comes out.

"What you girls have planned? If you girls are in danger, I need to know." Mama's voice is low, trying to seem calming while commanding.

"That's just it, nothin'. Amber's ma is gonna order pizza and we're all gonna watch a movie. On God, that's the only thing planned. But, I know, something real bad is gonna happen. I can feel it in my bones." She really is crying now, "Please let me stay home."

Mama takes a full step back. "Should I be calling Ms. Daughtry?"

Katie shakes her head no, "And say what? That I'm scared? Of nothing? The girls," she sounds more distressed, "they'd make so much fun of me. I've been telling them I'm feeling sick."

Mama looks me in the eye, and we share those private thoughts together. We both know that something is wrong, but neither of us know what to do about it.

Mama is thinking boys or drugs. That Amber and her crew have plans to sneak out and meet up with someone teenage girls have no business of meeting up with. I'm thinking more that Katie has no friends, that she's been kicked out of the crew. Did something to piss the others off, and if that were the case, it would be a night of hell and hazing.

Regardless, Mama pulls Katie into a weak hug and says, "You can stay home and watch after Riley. Once the house is locked, please don't go anywhere tonight."

Katie nods her head yes, wipes some stray tears away, and mumbles a, "thank you."

As she pulls back out of the bathroom, I follow. We don't exchange anything more: not any words nor a glance. Katie locks herself in her room, and I don't see her for the rest of the night.

Mama enters her room to say goodbye before she comes and finds me to give me a kiss on my cheek and a, "Make sure Katie is okay, okay?"

I know that she is because I can hear her change the radio station every now and then. Around midnight, the noise stops, and she turns all the lights off. Saturday morning, Katie is sitting in the living room and asks me if I've been online yet.

I shake my head no. I tell her that I have plans to go to the skate park and offer if she'd like to come with. Katie tells me that she'd rather spend the day at home, but just as I'm about to leave the house, she stops me.

"Riley," her voice is just as small as it was last night, "what do you think of my friends?"

There's a small huff of laughter. Katie and I aren't close; we don't share opinions on friends. We're only two years apart, but they say that the first born child soaks up all the personality and all the good looks. At least, Katie will force you to believe that.

She's always been a sister, but she's never once been kind. When Amber, Crystal, and Anette came into the picture, we couldn't even pretend to like each other. All of a sudden, there were three faces to fill the familiar void, and these ones had long crooked teeth that loved to talk in harmony.

I know they're not evil; they're just teenage girls.

"Why do you care what I think, Kate? What did they do to you?" I give her one quick glance over as if I am going to humor her, but I see her small statue and that she is shaking.

Katie shakes her head, "I'm just thinking." She smiles softly, "Have fun, Riley. Text me if you need anything - I'll be here."

Mama should have called Ms. Daughtry. On Monday, Katie asked to stay home. Mama wouldn't be back for another few hours, but after what happened Friday night, she agreed.

It didn't take long for the news to start swirling.

Amber, Crystal, and Anette were missing. Because of her absence, it was assumed that Katie was, too.