Alvarez

I think Alvarez is out to get me. And that he might be evil. But I swear I am the only one who can see him for who he really is. Everyone else in our Unit is blind.

For one thing he hates Mexicans. Or close to it at least. Because I remember how happy Alvarez was when Trump had just made his bid for the Presidency in 2014.

Now, I’ve never been one into politics other than to know I believe that I deserve basic human rights and to decide what to do with my own body. Being African American and a woman at that means the government, whether I like it or not, can sometimes forget that I exist.

And although I felt sad when I heard about Treyvon Martin getting shot and the police shootings that followed and I understood the idea behind being able to choose whether or not I want to have a child…I’ll be honest. I am not the type of black person who marches with a Black Lives Matter sign or the type of woman who wears “My Body, My Choice” t-shirts.

So, I often feel like an imposter whenever someone comes up to me and starts talking about what is going on with the world or my views on it. But seeing as though I am in the United States Army, those types of questions aren’t really brought up anyway. Although you’d think otherwise.

Unless, of course, Alvarez talks to me.

He is the only one who talks to me actually.

You see, although I thought that joining the military meant that everyone is made equal and it sometimes makes me think we should all join, because putting on that uniform takes you from black, white, red, yellow, brown, or purple and just makes you all green instead...

My hopes went out the window because such a thing as rank and being part of the group exists.

You have to respect those who are a higher rank than you.

Now, Alvarez isn’t a very high rank. But he is, however, higher ranking than me.

I came to the Military fresh out of High School with no rank at all. And I am only a private... Alvarez, though he has been in the same amount of time as me, has the rank of a PFC. Mainly because he is a “high speed” soldier.

I’ve come to know quite a few things about Alvarez because we went to Basic Training, AIT, and managed to get stationed at the same base together. And during that whole time he is the only one that would talk to me like I told you before.

Some of the things I know about Alvarez is that his first name is Christopher. Christopher Alvarez.

I know that he is from New York.

His favorite color is black.

His mom isn’t in his life.

He was raised by his dad.

And I know that he’s out to get me, but no one else can see it like I also told you before.

But when Trump put in his bid for Presidency, I learned another thing about Alvarez.

That he hates Mexicans. Or more specially, Alvarez as a Cuban hates Mexicans.

I remember how happy he was when Trump said he was going to build a wall. Now, you would think that because I am from two marginalized groups I would have stood up to Alvarez and called him out on his bullshit.

But the truth is, there are two things I also know. But they are about me.

One…That Alvarez is more well liked than me and telling him to not say mean things about Mexicans is as detrimental to my existence right now as taking the lord’s name in vain in a church would be.

Because well liked soldiers are like God in the Army. To go against them would be blasphemy.

Two…I don’t really talk. At all. Unless it is to Alvarez. But I’ve learned not to open up to him anymore because he might use it against me later around other people by telling them I said I like to eat dirt when I really just told him that one time when I was three I decided to try eating dirt and it tasted so nasty that I spit it back out.

I wouldn’t say that I am scared to talk. It is just that I am quiet and I prefer to observe and listen more than I do to speak my mind.

But being quiet in the Army isn’t a good thing. It hinders me from fitting in.

Even in High School I had a hard time with fitting in. Somehow, I thought when I graduated all of that would go away. I believed that becoming an adult meant that all of that was over and put behind me.

But the truth is: High School never really ends.

It just changes to something different.

If the Military were like my High School, Alvarez would be a popular football player because of his PT scores and how he always qualifies as a sharpshooter on his weapon at the range.

I, on the other hand, would be an outcast. Especially since I almost didn’t pass Basic because I couldn’t hit a target to save my life. And I barely make enough points to pass my PT test.

It isn’t that I wear glasses or I’m out of shape. Actually, I have great vision and I’m quite skinny.

But I’ve never been sporty or athletic. So, things like guns and pushups don’t come naturally to me.

I only joined the Army because I want to be able to pay for College. My plan isn’t to make it a career but to do my four years and get out.

Alvarez, however, is huah huah. Very much so.

I thought that being quiet would make me invisible, but to my dismay, being quiet has only made me more visible to people who like to single out others.

People like Alvarez.

The sad thing is, I can’t seem to escape him.

Every time I think I might get a fresh start…there he is right beside me.

But even though Alvarez picks on me in front of the others, it is also a weird thing because he is the only person that actually talks to me. And he is the only person I know. So, in a sick twisted way I depend on him.

Especially at Basic when I couldn’t qualify on my weapon. I was almost about to be recycled. But Alvarez helped me and showed me how to at least do a proper hold and breathing techniques so I could steady my aim. He stayed and practiced with me to do dime drills. And when I managed to pass by one point, he was the only person that congratulated me.

Then whenever we go to the field, he is the only one who would sit and eat with me. Everyone else just sort of left me alone. And during land navigation, he was the only one who would be my partner. I didn’t know where the hell we were going or what he knew that I didn’t, but we managed to make it to where we were supposed to be because he knew what he was doing.

So, I know I wouldn’t still be in the Army if it wasn’t for him.

But I hate that he makes everyone call me “Serial Killer”.

One day everyone was standing in line for chow during an exercise at Basic, and I walked up silently beside a group of our battles. Well, one of them turned around and was surprised that I had been standing next to them the whole time.

But before I could say anything, Alvarez made a comment that I don’t talk and that I am like a serial killer. Which got everyone laughing. And soon it became my nickname. Even my Drill Sergeants started calling me “Serial Killer”. That’s how bad it is.

It hurts to not feel like you fit in.

Sometimes I want to go home.

I can get pretty depressed, but I’ve never been one to quit.

Truthfully, I have never felt like I’ve fit in.

High School was like this and now my Military experience is becoming another four years of it.

But I know if I could survive it once, I can survive it twice.

I just hope and pray that the next stage of my life won’t be the same as these two I’ve lived and am living now.

But it is funny how life works, because things only start to change the moment you actually decide that you want them to.

XxxxxxX

Today is any regular old day of PT.

And I am in the back of the formation, mostly because I am the slowest runner. Usually, some of the other females will be in the back with me. And even some of the males. But this time it is just me.

However, I actually feel good. Usually I feel like I am about to die. But today I feel amazing. And the 1SG who is leading our group seems to be feeling it, too, because he is making us run the longest that we’ve ever had before.

I think we are about four miles in when I notice that some of my battles start to drop out of the formation. And not even the slow runners, either. But the ones who can usually keep up.

I watch as they even do the unthinkable…stop altogether.

Usually, like for me, someone will shout at them to get back in formation. But because we’ve been going for so long, everyone is out of breath or either doesn’t blame them for dropping.

I can’t help but look at them as I jog past.

They look tired, defeated, and…well, like how I always do.

My heart actually empathizes with them. These are people who call me a serial killer and talk behind my back because I cause us to go into overtime on the range whenever I can’t seem to qualify. But I’m not a vindictive person. I don’t treat others the way they treat me. Instead, I decide to treat them how I would want to be treated.

“Come on, guys!”

The look of shock that reads across most of their faces as I call out to them is warranted. Because I don’t think I’ve spoken a single word to most of them before. Hell, I am surprised by my own damn self. I’ve never talked before. And the sound of my own voice sort of scares me. But I clear my throat and call again.

“You can do it!” I cheer, “Don’t quit”

A few of them look at me through their labored breathing. I reach out my hand.

“Just get up here with me!” I say encouragingly, “Come on, catch up with me!”

I watch as one of the girls who is known to be slower decides to take me up on that offer. And to my delight, she actually pushes herself to start jogging again and catches up by my side. I know her name is Bennett. But I doubt she knows that my actual name is Wilkins and not “Serial Killer” like Alvarez says.

“Good job, Bennett!” I tell her, “We’ve got this!”

And just like that…I’ve got a running partner.

Bennett and I are in sync so much that even our breathing seems to match up. And when I glance over my shoulder to see what happened to the others, to my surprise I see that they are following behind me in a little mini formation of my own.

I throw them all a smile.

“Good job guys!” I cry.

And just like that, we start catching up back to the main formation.

As we approach, I can see the ones who are still following the 1SG have stopped and are jogging in place.

“Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!” He chants.

We all file back into formation.

And when we start up again, I fall behind once more because of course I do. However, this time I see someone else fall out of the formation too. Bennett comes and jogs right by my side.

At first, I thought it’s because she was just as tired as usual. But she is usually always ahead of me. However, when I start jogging a little slower than her to give her some space, she surprises me this time.

“Come on Wilkins,” She calls to me, “Catch up to me”

And she sticks her hand out.

My heart literally drops to my knees in shock. This is the first time anyone has ever called me by my name.

“Come on!” She calls out again.

And I hurry to reach her. When I do she holds up her hand as if to give me a half five. And I just stare at it as we jog because I don’t know if that is truly what she means.

“Girl, are you going to leave me hanging?” She asks.

I burst out laughing at the incredulousness. So much so that I have to stop to hold my sides. Bennett is laughing, too. And we both just stand there giggling.

So much so that the main formation has turned around to come get us.

When 1SG reaches us he looks at me and Bennett. Immediately I felt ashamed.

But instead he walks up to me and says, “Were you just smiling?”

The question takes me aback. I can’t think of anything to say.

“Yes, she was 1SG,” Bennett says and my heart drops to my knees.

There it goes again…just like Alvarez….

1SG puts his hand on my shoulder in front of the entire formation and smiles down at me.

“I’ve never seen you smile before Killer,” He says, “You don’t look as scary”.

Everyone in our unit starts to laugh. And I realize that I am not in trouble. But that I am actually being complimented in a weird way.

“Thank you,” I say awkwardly.

1SG’s eyes get even wider.

“And you talk?” He asks.

“Yeah,” Someone in the formation chimes in, “She talks sometimes too!”

I feel embarrassed.

“Yeah, she started yelling at us to catch up with her! You should have seen her 1SG!” Someone else says.

“She scared me when she started yelling at me! I was like, ‘Is that Wilkins?’” Bennett laughs and that gets more chuckles out of everyone.

“Well, we might have to put you in charge of PT one day!” 1SG says as he pats me on the shoulder, “Get you to use that voice of yours more often!”

And then, just like that…My moment in the spotlight is over. 1SG tells us to fall back in.

Bennett walks beside me and holds out her hand again. This time, though, I reach out to give her a half five and we both laugh.

I can tell my heart is beating fast.

But in a good way and not because of all this PT.

I think I might have found a new friend and I think I might just have gotten out of being called Serial Killer all the time.

Maybe now people will stop noticing me in a bad way.

But as we get in line, I can see one person looking at me still. Which reminds me that with him here, I will never be free.

Alvarez.

XxxxxxX

Bennett wants to move in with me. My old barrack mate ETS’d, so I have an extra room.

To my surprise, when we ask our LT, she approves.

“Thanks, girl,” Bennett says the day we begin moving her stuff, “I just can’t stand the girl they put me with. She’s always loud as fuck and inconsiderate as hell. But you seem chill”

I laugh.

“I could be faking,” I tell her.

She burst out laughing.

“Oh, I already know you are faking sometimes! I didn’t even know you could talk,” She says.

I help her carry most of her belongings down the stairs.

“Why do you act so quiet anyway?” Bennett probes.

I shrug my shoulders.

“I guess I’m just shy,” I admit.

Bennett laughs again.

“Yeah, I figured that out. To be honest, we all thought you were just stuck up,” She tells me.

I look at her in shock.

“Stuck up?”

“Yeah, girl. Like you think you are better than us or something”

“What?”

I’ve never heard that before in my life.

“Yeah, and you always looked like you didn’t want to be bothered. Like you are mad or something. So, I never talked to you. I just thought, well fuck her too then. She’s a bitch”

I shake my head in disbelief.

“I’m not a bitch,” I counter.

Bennett laughs. As we get closer to where she will be sharing a barrack space with me, we see a group of males standing around the smoking pit which is near our doors. They are talking and laughing. Next to that group is another group of guys sitting under the gazebo. And with that group I recognize Alvarez.

I can’t help but be reminded of him getting everyone in the unit to call me a serial killer. But according to what Bennett is telling me, maybe the fact that the unit doesn’t seem to like me isn’t totally his fault.

Maybe me being quiet actually just backfired on me instead of helping me like I thought it would. I mean, being quiet is what helped me survive High School. But maybe it is the opposite here in the Army.

“Yeah, girl. You have a resting bitch face…bad,” Bennett informs me.

“I do?” I ask.

Wow.

As we approach our doors, the group of males stop talking to watch us.

“Bennett! When are you going to let me hit?!” One yells out.

I recognize him as Anderson. He works in the motor pool.

I am completely mortified by what he just said.

But Bennett just rolls her eyes.

“Go fuck yourself, Andie,” She tells him casually.

“I’m tired of doing that!” He counters.

I can’t help but be uncomfortable with the tone of his conversation.

“That’s not my problem,” Bennett snaps.

And all the guys burst out laughing.

We get to Bennett’s door and at this point I’m just ready to escape the guys.

“What about your friend?”

Bennett stops her hand on the door with her card key to look at Anderson again.

Then she looks at me expectantly. And that’s when I realize that he is talking about me.

“Girl, are you going to let him talk to you like that?” She asks me with a raise of her eyebrow.

I point at myself.

“He’s talking to me?” I ask Bennett.

I hear the guys laugh.

Bennett smacks her lips.

“She doesn't want you either, Andie,” She tells him.

Anderson sucks his teeth.

“Man, I told you,” One of the guys chimes in and slaps Anderson on the head.

“Don’t do me like that, Killer,” He says.

And I recognize he’s calling me the same thing that the 1SG had called me that day during formation.

“Her name is Wilkins!” Bennett, to my surprise, corrects him.

Then she shakes her head and proceeds to open the door.

I am glad we are about to get away. I’ve never been talked to this much before in my life.

Usually the guys just watch me as I walk by, but no one ever says anything to me. So, I am not used to all of this attention.

I am starting to feel drained.

But before we can escape, someone else calls out to us.

“Hey, Serial Killer!”

I turn and realize that whoever just called my name didn’t come from the smoke pit, but the gazebo instead.

Bennett and I, as well as the group of guys who we were just talking to, look to see who just called me.

But before I see his face, I know it is Alvarez.

It’s like he can sense that I’m finally escaping him and he just has to remind everyone that I don’t fit in. Because he is out to get me.

“You better not be giving my stuff away,” He says.

What is he talking about?

He didn’t give me anything of his.

Bennett glances at me.

“What stuff?” I ask him out loud because I’m racking my brain to figure out if he did hand me something to hold on like the elbow pads when we were at the range that he gave me to use but I remember I gave them back to him after I finally did manage to qualify, “I don’t have any of your stuff.”

All the guys under the gazebo start laughing. There Alvarez goes again. He always makes me look like I’m some kind of freak and gets everyone to laugh at me.

Bennett grabs my hand with her free one and pulls me through the door.

“Come on, girl. Let’s go,” She says.

And we finally escaped.

Once inside of Bennett’s new room, we place her stuff down.

“Those boys are something else,” Bennett says with a sigh.

I shake my head.

“Yeah,” I agree with her as my mind replays what just happened out there.

Bennett looks me over.

“What?” I ask when I notice she is staring at me a bit too long.

“So, what’s up with you and Alvarez?” She asks me.

I blink a few times, because I’m trying to process what her question could mean. Does she pick up that he hates me, too? I thought I am the only one that can see he has it out for me. I always thought that everyone else was oblivious.

“Me and Alvarez?” I try to act dumb, though in case I’m delusional.

Everyone seems to like him because he has one of the highest PT scores in our Unit and is always getting praised by the superiors. And he also has a lot of friends. I don’t want to say anything in case Bennett adores him, too.

“Yeah, girl. Is he really your boo?” Bennett asks but it sounds more like she is just confirming something she already knows the answer to.

I nearly choke on my tongue to get the words, “What?!” out of my mouth.

She blinks as she studies my expression.

“Yeah, y'all are always together. And he’s the only one you ever really talk to. I thought you guys had a thing going on. Actually, he makes it seem like you guys do,” She says.

I feel like I’ve just got hit by a brick.

“W-what? You think I like Alvarez?” I ask.

Bennett laughs.

“Yeah, I mean he told everyone that you have a long term boyfriend back home. But the way he talks he makes it seem like you and him have something else going on too,” Bennett informs me.

My head is spinning at all this information. Alvarez? Me? What?

“I have a boyfriend?” I say in shock, “He told you that I have a boyfriend?”

Bennett nods her head and looks at me funny.

“Yeah, girl. He said he was in college, and that y'all are planning on getting married once he graduates and you get out. He said ya’ll were practically engaged,” Bennett tells me as if she is reminding me about my own life. And the way she is talking to me it is like she thinks I have amnesia.

I sit down on Bennett’s striped bed.

“Why would he tell you guys that? Why would I date Alvarez if I have a boyfriend? That doesn’t even make any sense!” I cry.

Bennett pauses and then laughs.

“Don’t worry girl, I don’t judge,” She says as if that makes this any better.

“But I don’t even have a boyfriend! And I’m not even dating Alvarez!” I blurt out before I can stop myself. I realize that it is my words against Alavrez’s and Bennett has no reason to believe me over him. But why would he tell everyone that I am dating someone?

But more importantly why would he say that he’s taking me out on dates too?

Bennett studies my face more for a second.

“Oh my god. Alvarez is a fucking lying ass bitch,” She says quietly as if she’s just been given some bad test results at the doctor’s office.

She shakes her head and then sits down next to me.

“That little bitch is a snake just like the rest of these niggas,” But her voice sounds angry this time as if she’s ready to go kill someone, “And here I thought he was a good guy”

I hold my breath. This is the first time I’ve ever heard someone talk bad about Alvarez or imply that he has bad motives. Just like I can see, maybe Bennett can finally see it too. And the relief I feel to finally be able to have someone who can see that is so immense, I feel like my heart is going to soar out of my chest.

Bennett reaches out and puts her arm over my shoulder.

I’m no longer alone. I finally feel safe here in the Army. Like Bennett is one of my older cousins who came to visit me and I told her about the kids who are picking on me at school. It is as if she’s going to take care of everything and get rid of all of my bullies.

“When y'all came to the unit, he made it seem like y'all have been hooking up together since Basic Training,” She tells me.

I nearly spit.

“What?” I cry.

Hooking up?

Alvarez has been plotting against me since we first got here. I knew he was evil, but to hear it confirmed that I never even had a chance when I inprocessed to this base makes me sad. I had hoped that maybe I could at least try to have things different here. But just like my instincts told me, as long as Alvarez is around he was never going to let me have a chance at being treated like I am normal.

“Yeah, so we all thought you were boo’d up. That you had a serious boyfriend back home, but an Army boo, too so you wouldn’t be lonely while you’re away,” Bennett continues, “Like I said, I don’t judge. People do that shit. So, I didn’t question it. And none of us ever thought to ask you the truth because you seem like you didn’t want to be bothered by anyone else. So, this bitchass mothefucker got away with lying on you. Trying to act like he’s been sleeping with you”

I feel nauseous and dizzy.

“So everyone in the unit thinks that I’m sleeping with Alvarez, not just dating him or something?” I ask her.

Bennett looks at me and her eyes get sad at the expression on my face.

“Yeah,” She says quietly.

I stand up. My heart is beating so fast and the room feels like it is spinning. How could he do that? How could he make up lies about me! Getting everyone to call me a serial killer is one thing! But lying that he slept with me is another.

“I’ve never slept with him!” I cry, “I don’t even like Alvarez! He’s an asshole!”

I shock myself at that last part.

Even Bennett’s eyes widened.

“Ok, Wilkins,” She says with a smile, “Tell me how you really feel. I didn’t know you could curse. I think I might be a bad influence on you”

I look down in embarrassment.

I take a deep breath and try to calm down.

“He’s made my life a living hell since the first day I got to Basic Training. We were in the same platoon, and he noticed that I didn’t get any mail the first week. So, he comes up to me and starts talking to me as if he really wants to be my friend. Then he asks if I have any friends at home. And I opened up to him that I didn’t really have a lot of friends in High School because I am kind of shy. And he said he understands and will help me make some friends in our platoon instead.

At first I thought he was a really good guy, and that he was really kind. So, I would talk to him a lot because he was the only one who seemed to actually make it a point to talk to me. And I thought he really was helping me, because everyone seemed to be willing to come up to me more and include me. As if him just being around me showed everyone that I’m not an antisocial person, just an introverted one. But one day as I walk up to the group, I see Alvarez whispering to the other people in my platoon. And they all kept looking at me and laughing.

And then for some reason everyone started to treat me differently and no one wanted to talk to me anymore. They all started ostracizing me! Like I was a weirdo or something. And then he starts calling me Serial Killer. And it was like everyone else just followed his lead,” I told Bennett.

She shakes her head in disbelief.

I go on.

“I thought when we graduated from Basic Training I’d get a fresh start. But Alvarez is the same MOS as me, so we ended up going to the same school. And the same thing happened there, too. And now here,” I say.

Bennett speaks up.

“That fucking snake,” She says, “I didn’t want to tell you this, but I might as well go ahead”

I look at her in wonder at what else could it be that Alvarez has done to sabotage me.

“He basically made it seem like you were a slut,” She says.

My heart drops to my knees and my hands start to shake.

“He told us that you would steal other girls boyfriends back at Basic and AIT, and that you were kind of like a known hoe,” Bennett seems like she feels ashamed to tell me all of this, “So, a lot of the girls kind of don’t like you already”

I feel tears spring up in my eyes.

“I hate him,” I say.

And before I can stop myself, I break down and start sobbing.

I hear Bennett exit our shared door that leads to our kitchen and bathroom area and she comes back to hand me some tissue. I wipe the tears and snot from my nose.

“It’s ok, girl,” She tells me, “He’s a little bitch”

Somehow, Bennett calling Alvarez a little bitch makes me giggle through the tears.

“Yeah, he is,” I say shyly.

“He’s also obviously obsessed with you and can see that you’re really pretty,” She says as if she’s trying to make me feel better.

But I just feel weird hearing that. I can’t imagine Alvarez being obsessed with any part of me. Let alone secretly thinking I am pretty. I thought he just had it out for me because I’m weaker than him and he’s an evil person.

“He knows you’re out of his league, so he’s using your inexperience and shyness to his advantage,” Bennett continues to tell me, “The motherfucker is twisted. Which makes me wonder about that promotion he got. He must be the one who rigged that shit”

“What?” I ask. This is news to me.

“Yes,” Bennett tells me, “He and Lopez tied for the highest PT score. But when it came down to who the Squad Leaders were going to put in for promotion, someone suggested that they let the males vote for who they thought should get it. Which has never been fucking done before. And all the guys magically ended up voting for who? Yeah, you guessed it, Alvarez. Now I’m thinking he knew he might not get the fast track to promotion or the award he got. So, he fucking contrived that shit. He’s a snake”

I shake my head. I thought I knew the extent of Alvarez’s evilness. But I barely even touched it. This is yet another layer.

“He makes me sick now,” Bennett says as if even the thought of Alvarez is too much for her to bare, “The next time I see him I’m going to punch him in the face. Trying to act like the big man on campus or some shit, and like he has you, the baddest girl in the unit, when in reality it’s all nothing but a facade. Just cheating and lies”

I blink. I am not a vain person or someone who fishes for compliments. But hearing Bennett call me the baddest girl in the unit throws me off. Because I know Bennett is beautiful. I’ve always seen her as the kind of girl I wish I looked like. She looks like a mixture between Rihanna, Beyonce, and Halle Berry. Caramel skin. Blue eyes. Loose, thick black curly hair. Full figure.

Meanwhile I am dark, with big, poofy, coily hair and skinny as a toothpick. And taller than the average woman should be.

Bennett seems to analyze me just as I’m going to tell her this.

“Can I ask you a question and you promise you won’t get offended?” She asks it in a way like she kind of suspects something.

But I can’t imagine anything Bennett has to ask me, offending me more than everything Alvarez has done.

“Of course,” I say. I feel like I can trust her. She’s not like Alvarez. She wouldn’t turn on me if I open up to her. I can tell already how good her character is.

She’s silent for a moment but then asks, “Are you still a virgin?”

I immediately feel embarrassed.

“I mean, it’s ok,” She says, “Girl, we were all one. And I only ask because you seem kind of inexperienced with guys”

“Is it that obvious?” I whisper.

Bennett laughs.

“No,” She tells me, “It’s shocking. You wouldn’t expect it because you’re so beautiful people would think you’ve had tons of boyfriends. I guess that’s why it was so easy for us all to believe you were going to steal our man and that you were hooking up with Alvarez”

I shake my head. I’ve never been told I was ugly. But growing up the only person who ever told me I am beautiful was my mother. And that wasn’t really a confidence booster.

“I’m not as beautiful as you though,” I say, “You’re obviously the prettiest girl in the unit.” I stress that last point to counter what she had said about me being the one to hold that title.

Bennett rolls her eyes.

“What makes you think that?” She asks, “I’m not as tall as you or skinny”

I shake my head.

“You’re light skin and I’m dark skin,” As if that’s reason enough. But before I can get out the rest of my words about how beautiful she is, Bennett cuts me off.

“Girl, don’t ever say that!” She says, “Ya’ll dark skin girls are just as beautiful as us light skins! Where are you from? The south?”

I feel taken aback.

“Yes, actually, South Carolina,” I say as if Bennett has psychic powers, because how could she tell that I’m from there.

Bennett shakes her head.

“See, I knew it. I’m from Virginia. And I hate how our people treat each other. Just because my mom was white and I came out with lighter skin does not make me prettier than you. You look like Naomi Campbell and Gabrielle Union if they had a baby! Girl, you are gorgeous and you better recognize it and stop playing!” She tells me.

I am in shock. Someone as pretty as Bennett is telling me that I am pretty, too. Wow.

“Thanks,” I say shyly and look at the floor.

Bennett laughs. But when I look back up at her, she has a funny look on her face as if she’s made a mistake.

I get frightened. What if I misjudged her? What if she actually is like Alvarez and she is going to use everything I opened up to her about today to make fun of me behind my back with the others from the unit.

“I’m not a lesbian now,” She tells me instead.

Huh?

“I’m not either!” I blurt.

Bennett laughs again.

And then I join her, too because it is funny.

“Good, we’re going to get along just fine” She says and puts her arm around my shoulder again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“We need to figure out what we’re going to do about Alvarez,” Bennett tells me.

Even though we both said we are not a lesbian, I am sleeping with her in her bed for the first night. We set up her room and put on Netflix to watch some movies for the rest of the day.

“What do you mean?” I ask because I am halfway asleep.

Bennett let me have one of her silk pillow cases, so this is the first time I am sleeping without my bonnet. And it feels good to let my hair breathe without anything on it at night. Bennett has her hair down, too. And it is funny to see the difference in our hair textures merging on our two pillows.

“I mean we have to decide how we’re going to get him back for making all those lies up about you,” She says.

“I’ll just tell the truth,” I say groggily, “...If anyone asks me”

“No, because no one’s going to ask you. They don’t talk to you, because you don’t talk to them. That’s not good enough,” She says, “They all just automatically continue to believe whatever shit he says”

“Ok, I’ll start talking to more people now. And I will tell them myself then,” I whisper. I feel like now that talking to people has gotten me good results, like Bennett as my new roommate, that maybe talking to even more people will also help me.

But my eyes are too heavy from all that has happened today to really give Alvarez even more of my energy right now. He’s used it up at this point.

“That could work,” Bennett says but she still sounds like she is wide awake, “And I could tell people that he’s lying on you as well”

“Thank you,” I whisper happily. Bennett really is like one of my older cousins. It feels like I have family by my side here now.

Then we settle into sleep. But before I can fully drift off, I hear Bennett sit up.

“No, we can’t do that,” She says, “Because think of how men are. Even if they say they slept with you, even if it isn’t true, other dudes are going to believe it regardless”

I sit up on my elbow and crack open my eyes to look at Bennett. She is wide awake despite that we have PT in a few hours.

Then Bennett says, “What we’ve got to do is make him look like the little bitch he really is. We’ve got to play his game. He wants to be a snake? Well, bitch we’ll be fucking black mamba”

“What do you mean?” I ask a little bit afriadly, because her voice sounds like she’s going to do something to really hurt Alvarez. Even though I don’t like him, I don’t want to do anything to him other than to get away from the rumors he’s created about me.

Bennett grins at me. She looks kind of scary.

“We’ll play his game,” She says as if she’s talking about basketball or something, “Like I said, we’ll show everyone in the unit what a pathetic, insecure little boy he really is”

“H-How are we going to do that?” I ask because I’m not sure if this is a good idea or not. It sounds like Bennett wants us to stuff Alvarez in a locker or something. I don’t want to turn into the bully myself. I just want the bully to stop bullying me.

Bennett laughs maniacally.

“Well, he has to know his story is unraveling since we’re friends now,” She sounds like a mad scientist who’s looking at all of the data before she makes her master plan.

And even though she’s starting to scare me, my heart soars when Bennett calls me her friend. But I don’t point it out in case she decides to take it back.

“He knows we’re likely to gossip about men and that by now you’ve told me the truth already and exposed him,” She says and I just imagine if we were in lab somewhere she would be rubbing her chin and scribbling on a chalkboard as I look on, “And since he’s a snake, he’s probably already one step ahead and has told his friends that you might try to lie and say that you guys never slept together or had a thing going on”

Then it is like Bennet has cried eureka, “What we need to do is act like nothing happened!”

“Like nothing happened?” I repeat incredulously as if I’m the assistant who raises her hand to question the mad scientist’s plan for experimentation.

“Yeah,” Bennett says with a twinkle in her eye like she really is mad as in crazy, “We’re going to pretend that you didn’t tell me anything. And like we didn’t even talk about him at all. And then, you’re going to pay him dust”

And the laugh she gives is like the laugh the bad guy does as he cackles about how he’s going to conquer the world.

“Huh?” I feel like I’m the dumb like I’m Pinky and she is the Brain.

“You’re going to ignore Alvarez. And once you start ignoring him, he’s going to try and do everything he can to get you to pay attention to him again. And by that I mean, we’re going to have him grovelling at your feet begging you to talk to him again. And everyone’s going to see for themselves that he’s a fucking snake. Because let’s be honest, why would a man chase what he’s already had? That’s the only way to show the other guys that he’s never slept with you! If they see him bending over backwards to try to get you to pay attention to him, they’ll know that either he fucked up and you’re a free agent or that he never had you in the first place. Either way, it is a win-win because he looks like a little bitch regardless,” Bennett explains and she gives a evilly delicious smile as if she’s Meredith Blake in The Parent Trap telling her flunky how she plans to send Hallie Parker to boarding school after she marries Hallie’s rich dad.

And just like the movie where the flunky tells her he loves her plan…well, I have to admit that now when she’s actually explained it doesn’t sound too bad.

I blink my eyes a few times because how could Bennett see the solution where I was blind.

Ignore Alvarez? Was it really that simple? Why did I never think to do that before?

“It’s perfect,” Bennett says as she lays back down.

I smile happily as I lay beside her.

“It is,” I admit. The peace I feel just by knowing that I don’t have to talk to Alvarez if I don’t want to is amazing already.

Bennett and I look at each other and giggle. Maybe she is a bad influence on me. I really am her evil sidekick now.

“I can’t wait for PT,” I whisper.

Bennett laughs.

“I bet that’s the first time anyone’s said that,” She whispers and closes her eyes to finally go to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“So, don’t talk to him,” Bennett tells me as we get ready for PT in the morning, “and if you really want to get him, don’t even acknowledge his ass or look his way”

I nod my head as I put on my PT shorts. I feel like she is my Team Leader debriefing me for combat.

“And if it’s hard for you to do, because you seem like you’re the type that really doesn’t want to be rude to someone even when that person is a jerk and deserves it…” Bennett says.

I look down in embarrassment because she’s right. I am that type of person.

“...Just remember how you felt when I told you all the lies he’s made up about you,” She continues. And it’s like she’s telling me that I might have to take a life out there tonight during our raid, but to remember that I’m doing it for God and Country.

She puts a hand on my shoulder.

I look at her.

“Remember girl, you’re a bad bitch. Start acting like one,” She instructs, reminding me that I am Special Forces. I am naturally trained to do this.

“But I don’t feel like one,” I admit sheepishly. I don’t feel like I really am a Green Beret.

“Yeah, but other people don’t need to know that,” She says, “I feel insecure at times, too but I just fake that shit.” It’s like she just said that this is what I signed up for. This is what I swore to when I said I would serve and protect.

I am in awe. My head can’t wrap around the idea that Bennett feels like I do sometimes too. My Team Leader admitted to also having moments of weakness.

But our moment is over because there is still a war to be won. She places both hands on my shoulder now.

“Remember,” She reminds me, “Don’t say shit to him.” She stresses the objective one last time and with that we go out to complete our mission.

As we walk to formation, I find myself feeling less self conscious with Bennett by my side. Usually I walk alone to PT and follow behind the others. But this time Bennett and I are side by side, like we were that day when running. The day we first spoke to one another.

Some other females greet Bennett and she greets them, too. And they join us.

“This is Wilkins, ya’ll,” Bennett tells them. I know who most of the girls are, because we are in the same unit. But we’ve never talked before, so an introduction feels proper.

“Hey,” Most of the girls say.

And just like that…I feel like I’m accepted. Whatever wall that had been there before is down now because if Bennett likes me, then I must be cool.

All of the girls are having their own little conversations as we walk. One of the girls, a short girl who I know is called Martinez, walks on the other side of me.

I decide to speak to her specifically since we work in the same building.

“Did you do all your orders yesterday?” I ask.

She looks up at me in surprise. It must be strange to her that I am talking to her since I never have before although we sit in the same office.

“No, I didn’t actually,” She says, “Did you finish yours?”

I nod my head.

“I can help you today if you want me to,” I tell her shyly.

She smiles brightly, her cheeks showing dimples.

“I’d appreciate that, thanks,” She says.

Then we both look away in embarrassment.

We walk in silence next to one another. Bennett is talking to some other girls who are near her. But I don’t feel left out at all.

Martinez suddenly speaks up.

“You know, we’re both kind of quiet,” She says to me.

I look down in embarrassment.

“Yeah,” I admit.

“But I think it’s because we’re both shy,” She says, “I didn’t know you were shy, too though until now”

I laugh.

“Sorry if I didn’t seem friendly,” I tell her and my mind immediately remembers how Bennett says I can come off scary looking.

“It’s ok, I know you are friendly now,” Martinez tells me with a smile.

We both look away in embarrassment again.

The silence is back. I rack my brain because I want to talk to more people from now on. But small talk is really hard for me.

Should I talk about the weather? Is that too boring?

Or maybe I should ask her what her favorite color is? But is that too random?

Maybe I should try to stay on topic.

“I was shy all in High School and my mom told me not to join the Army after I graduated,” I broach lightly because I’ve never told anyone this before, “She said I wouldn’t fit in”

Martinez looks up at me in surprise.

Suddenly I feel like maybe I made a mistake. I don’t know Martinez that well to be opening up to her like this. What if she’s not nice like Bennett?

“My dad and my mom told me that, too!” She says as if we just found out we are long lost twins.

We both laugh at our shared memory.

“But I wanted to join either way since my dad was Army,” Martinez offers.

And I realize she’s opening up to me as well, “He did his twenty years. And all of my older siblings joined when they graduated High School. Mostly Army, but one of my sister’s is in the Navy”

“Wow,” I say, “That is so cool. It’s like a lineage”

She looks surprised when I say that but then her face gets excited.

“Exactly!” She says like I truly get her.

We get to formation and we all have to break off to go to our different squads. Since Martinez and I are in the same MOS, we are in the same direction.

But Bennett is a different MOS than me. So, she has to go to her part of the formation. She touches my shoulder before we do.

“Remember,” She tells me, “He’s a little bitch”

One of the other girls and Martinez overhears her.

“Who is?” The other girl, Raymond as I know her, asks intriguingly and jumps right into our conversation.

I make a mental note that Raymond is really secure with herself because she seems not to care if Bennett tells her to mind her own business or something.

“You’ll see,” Bennett says to Raymond with a laugh like she knows this about Raymond too.

Raymond lifts her eyebrow.

“Oooooo, girl,” She says and she gives me and Bennett a look.

The two walk off and laugh maniacally together.

As Martinez and I walk to our squad line she whispers, “What was that all about?” to me.

I look down at her.

“Um, It’s kind of hard to explain,” I admit.

She giggles.

Usually we have to be at formation fifteen minutes before the 1SG. But our squad leaders make sure we are there 30 minutes before. So, there is still a good period of waiting before PT actually starts.

Which is usually a time spent talking. Normally, I don’t have anyone to talk to so I just daydream a lot.

I try not to listen to other people’s conversations, because I feel like that is rude. But because I have a very active imagination, it is pretty easy for me to zone out.

Alvarez used to be in my squad and he is the only one who would talk to me sometimes when he wasn’t talking to other people.

Then he got moved to another building in a different section when they needed one good soldier from our MOS to learn how to do some more advanced things that required a lot more responsibility.

My Corpal who’s section Alvarez, Martinez, and I work in was left to decide which one of us would go.

I didn’t want to leave, because I didn’t want to have more pressure put on me or being around more people.

Even though I am good at my job, I don’t like feeling like I am in charge. And the way our Corpal broke it down to us, it sounded like that was how it was going to be.

I was also afraid to have to integrate and meet other people in my unit to work with. Martinez didn’t raise her hand, either when Corpal Lawrence asked which out of us three wanted to go.

So, Alvarez ended up being the one chosen. Now he’s in a different Squad under a different Squad Leader.

But now that Martinez and I have broken the ice, I find myself being engrossed in her conversations.

Martinez and I are the only two females in our MOS. The rest are males. And she is friends with two of them. Lopez and Goodwin.

They start talking to her about a lot of different things. And I listen intently as their conversation shifts. I normally always overhear them, but today I can actually watch them since it wouldn’t be considered rude now that I know Martinez a little more.

Right off the bat I can tell that Lopez and Goodwin like to joke around. They are always together, but they are also always teasing one another. And as I’ve seen from overhearing them before, they like to tease Martinez too.

They call her tiny because of her short stature.

When Lopez calls her this, Martinez looks visibly annoyed and punches him in the arm.

But when Goodwin does, she doesn’t seem as annoyed for some reason and it makes me think that she might…

“What are you always over there thinking about Killer?”

I am snapped out of my reflection when one of the guys gets my attention. I realize it is Goodwin.

“Her name isn’t Killer,” Martinez corrects him like Bennett had done for me the other day with the guy at the smoke pit, “It’s Wilkins”

“Oh, my bad,” Goodwin says. And I see that he actually looks apologetic. I make a mental note in my head. I didn’t know he was kind hearted.

“She has a name?” Lopez, the other guy, interjects as if he’s shocked that my mother gave me one the day I was born.

Martinez punches him in the arm again.

“What do you mean idiot? She wears it on her chest all the time,” She says.

And she is right. We all do.

Lopez rubs his arm then comes up to me and stares at my chest.

“I don’t see any name,” He says, “Oh wait, but I do see something else…”

And then he reaches out as if he’s about to touch my breasts. I’m taken aback and step away from him.

Lopez cracks up laughing.

“Man, cut it out,” Goodwin says, “I’m going to report you to SHARP”

Martinez, to my surprise, makes a move in my defense as if she is about to kick Lopez in the crotch.

“You pervert!” She shouts.

But Lopez ducks away before she can do it.

“I’m just playing!” He says while laughing.

Martinez turns to me.

“Don’t let him get to you,” She says, “He’s just a flirt”

“Only for you, baby,” Lopez says.

It shocks me when I realize he is actually talking to me and not Martinez. When I look at him he wiggles his eyebrows.

Then to my surprise, he continues.

“Cubans can’t put it down like us Mexicans do,” He says, “In case you want some extra fun”

At first I am confused. But then I put two and two together that Lopez is talking about Alvarez. He’s the only Cuban in our unit.

Goodwin and Martinez look at me to see how I am going to react to Lopez saying what I now know they all think about me out loud.

That I’m a fast girl.

That I, according to Alvarez, have a boyfriend back home but also slept with multiple other girls’ boyfriends in Basic and AIT, and that he is also having sex with me too.

I don’t want to cry in front of them like I did with Bennett. Actually, I don’t want to act like I am weak anymore. That is why all of this started in the first place. Because Alvarez saw that I was too weak to defend myself or stand up for myself.

“I don’t want you,” The words come out before I can even think of what to say, “And I don’t want Alvarez either”.

The voice I use isn’t my own. It sounds different. Like a mix between my mom’s when she’s talking to me when I get in trouble and a mix of Bennett’s.

Goodwin bursts out laughing.

“Damn!” He says to Lopez, “You’re ass just got rejected!”

Martinez giggles.

I instantly feel bad. I didn’t want to be mean. But when I look at Lopez, he is actually still smiling.

He says something in Spanish.

But I can’t understand him.

“Man, she isn’t Afro-Latina! She looks like she came straight from Africa, I know you see she black as hell! ,” Goodwin slaps Lopez but then his eyes look apologetic and unspokenly I know he’s trying to tell me that he didn’t mean it in that way.

His eyes tell me that he just meant to say that I am black like him.

We don’t even have to speak out loud to one another. And I also don’t need to nod to tell him that I didn’t take offense for him to understand that I knew what he meant.

“I said I like a challenge,” Lopez translates as if he’s just discovered that I am a new game and he’s excited to take me out of the package and see if he can win.

Martinez punches him in the arm.

“Girls are not puzzle pieces!!” She tells him.

“Hey!” Our squad leader, SSG McDonald, shouts at all four of us, “Stop goofing around”

Lopez gets back in line, but he leans forward and says low enough for all three of us to hear, “But just so you know, I really like chocolate,” and he winks at me.

I feel mortified.

Martinez makes a hurling sound.

“Man, don’t compare black women to food!” Goodwin says, “they don’t like that shit!”

“You told me that they do!”

“When did I tell you that?”

“When that black girl we saw at the club that night came up to me and I got her number!”

“Oh, you actually listened to me? Why would you listen to me, man?”

“Because you’re black, fool!”

And on they go with their banter again. Until the topic changes four times in a row and the whole thing with Alvarez is forgotten.

Martinez and I for the most part stay silent, but not in a bad way. But in a comfortable way. We just watch these two rag on one another and laugh at some of their jokes.

XXXXXXXXXXX

I’m in the back of the running formation again. But this time I have three people with me. Raymond, Martinez, and of course Bennett. We make our own smaller formation and follow behind the bigger group.

No one else yells at us either like they do when I am at the back by myself. It dawns on me that the saying there is strength in numbers might have some truth.

When PT is over, we all stretch before being released to go wash up for chow and work. Lopez and Goodwin find their way back over to where Martinez and I are at.

“You need some help with that?” Lopez asks me as he sits down beside me. He gives me a wink again.

I can’t help but laugh awkwardly this time.

“No, thank you,” I say.

He raises his eyebrows like I’m an alien or something.

My heart beat quickens.

What if he tries to make fun of me?

And not in the way he does with Goodwin or even how he picks on Martinez. What if he turns cruel?

“Your voice is different now! You’re all nice and polite,” He says as if I’m talking in a British accent, “But you sounded like a real black girl when you were telling me to fuck off back there”

“Excuse you?” Raymond overhears our conversation and since she’s black too it feels like she has a right to jump in, “What does a real black girl sound like?”

But the way she asks him to elaborate, I know that whatever Lopez says will end up being the wrong answer regardless.

Bennett looks at him expectantly, too.

Now everyone’s attention is on Lopez.

“You know what I mean,” He says, unphased, “You guys got attitudes”

Then Raymond and Bennett proceed to cuss him out.

But I’m just shocked that he heard the difference, too. It wasn’t just me. Someone else’s voice was there. That voice was not my usual self.

“See!” Lopez says with a shake of his head, “Attitudes!”

Then he startles me by putting his arm around me.

“But that’s alright because I’m just going to stick with Wilkins. At least I know she’ll only get an attitude with me if I fuck up,” He continues.

“Yep!” Martinez warns, “I can tell already that Wilkins’ is like me. We’re nice, but don’t push us because when you do, there’s no going back”

“Yeah, you have to watch your back, man. Those quiet ones are the scariest,” Goodwin chimes in.

But I think I’m the only one who catches the secret look he throws at Martinez when he thinks no one else is paying attention. It is the first time I see Martinez’s cheeks turn red.

I watch as she looks away from Goodwin.

My hunch earlier might be right and there is something going on between those two. I will have to ask Martinez when we get to know each other better. Until then, I won’t say anything.

The conversations switch. Lopez still keeps his arm around me as everyone talks. I can’t even listen to the conversations that are going on, because I feel his fingers pressing dangerously close to the underside of my chest which is making me uncomfortable. But I don’t know how to ask him to get off of me without making him or anyone else as weird as I feel right now.

I’m just about to brainstorm that exact moment when everyone gets quiet and the chatter stops.

And Lopez immediately takes his arm away like I used that other voice on him again.

Which I was thinking about doing, but I hadn’t worked up the nerve yet to see if I could do the voice again. But maybe I did it without even thinking?

It just sort of came out of me the last time. So, maybe that harsh voice came out again.

Because I realize everyone seems to be staring in my direction. I feel ashamed immediately because this will be the second time I’ve talked to Lopez in such a manner.

But when I turn to look at Lopez to apologize, I see he’s staring guiltily up at someone else.

That’s when I feel a person looming over me. When I look up I see that Alvarez is behind me with a group of his friends and he’s staring at Lopez. His eyes look like there are knives inside of them.

Then Alvarez looks at me and his eyes change so fast that I wonder if anyone else notices it or if I’m crazy or something.

“You ok, Serial Killer?” He asks me.

I almost open my mouth. Almost. But as I look into his dark brown eyes…I see nothing but evil. My grandma’s voice plays in my head.

Devil in a Sunday suit she would say.

And Bennett’s words remind me: Don’t talk to him.

I stand up, burhs my PT shorts off, and walk right past Alvarez without a word.

Like he isn’t even there.

I don’t turn around to see what his face looks like.

This is the first time I’ve ignored someone in my life. I always felt like I was invisible, so I never want to treat others that way too. But people like Alvarez are bullies. And sometimes it is best to treat bullies like they don’t exist.

I hear Lopez’s loud voice saying, “Oh shit. Looks like the Cuban fucked up.”

Bennett joins my side as well as Raymond and Martinez.

“Ooooo,” Raymond says, “So that’s the little bitch huh?”

Martinez giggles.

“That was cold, you should have seen his face! He looked so shocked when you didn’t say anything to him!” She whispers.

My heart is beating so fast. Whatever strength I just felt is quickly dissipating as we continue to walk.

“Really?” I ask shakily.

Did I just do that?

“Yep,” Martinez confirms softly, “He looked like he was confused, too”

“Girl, what I want to know is what did he do?” Raymond interjects, “I thought that was your man…well, your side piece at least”

At this point, Bennett can’t take it.

“Look, y'all need to know the real tea, but I can’t tell ya’ll out here,” She says.

She looks around and sure enough other people from our unit seem to be eavesdropping on our conversation. They saw what just happened, too.

“Ooooo, girl! Yes! Yes! Yes! You know I’m nosey,” Raymond whispers, “Let’s go to my room”

So we all follow Raymond to her barrack. Once we get in and the door shuts, Raymond plops down on her bed with her tennis shoes still on and sits like a princess with her head propped up on her hand.

“Make yourselves at home,” She tells us. But mainly she is looking at me and Martinez, because I don’t think either of us have ever been in her room before. Especially not me.

I can’t help but notice how nicely decorated her room is and all the pictures she has on her walls of family, friends, herself, and a big Haiti flag.

One of the pictures she has though, shocks me because of how different she looks from when she is in uniform and at PT. I’ve never seen her outside of Army gear before.

“Wow,” I say first of all, “Your room is so nice”

Raymond smiles.

“Thanks, girl,” She tells me.

“And this picture of you is so pretty,” I commented and touched it.

She gets up from her bed and comes over to see what I am talking about.

“Oh that? Girl, I look bummy as hell in that picture,” She says to my surprise, “I didn’t even do a full face. I just took this selfie because the lighting was good. My wing is smudged and everything”

I have no idea what she is talking about.

“Full face?” I ask.

Raymond bursts out laughing.

“She means makeup,” Bennett tells me not condescendingly but like she is educating me.

I feel like I’ve been enlightened.

Martinez giggles.

“You’re more innocent than me,” She says.

“Girl, you don’t wear makeup?” Raymond asks as if I’m an alien.

I try to think if I did before, but my mother always told me only fast girls wore makeup and that I was too young. Even when I turned eighteen.

“No,” I admit in embarrassment.

“Ooooo! I’m going to have fun with you!” She says and then she reaches out and touches my hair.

I’ve always noticed that Raymond and I are the only two in our unit who have a similar texture. So, it doesn’t bother me when she does it.

“Have you ever got a perm?” She asks.

I shake my head no.

“Straightened it?”

I shake my head no again. My mom told me getting my hair straightened was for fast girls, too.

“She’s a total virgin,” Bennett comments.

I look at her in mortification and she puts her hand up as if to stop me from saying anything.

“No, Wilkins. They need to know. I said we weren’t going to tell the boys. Because they don’t believe shit unless they see it with their own two eyes. But girls can usually handle the truth,” She says.

“What do you mean?” Raymond asks, intrigued.

I can see Martinez is, too.

“Wilkins is a virgin. A complete virgin. All that shit about her having a boyfriend, fucking in Basic training, AIT, and being Alvarez’s girl is a lie,” Bennett says bluntly.

Raymond seems to not need any further explanation because she automatically gets it and gasps.

“That piece of shit,” She says, “Girl, I can’t stand a man that lies on his dick. That’s some insecure ish right there”

Martinez looks confused.

“Why would he do that?” She asks, “Why would he make up rumors about Wilkins?”

She sounds a lot like how I did when Bennett first told me.

Bennett doesn’t get a chance to answer.

“Because he’s a bitchass,” Raymond answers for her, “Who else gossips like a little girl like that? Damn, I can’t stand a man who spreads rumors worse than a chick”

“No, that’s not it,” Bennett says.

Raymond and Martinez look at her.

“Then what is it?” Raymond asks.

“He wants Wilkins to himself and he feels threatened that other dudes are going to try to go for her, so he made all this shit up to throw them off the scent and make her off limits. He doesn’t want any other guy to try to date her. Did you see the way he was looking at Lopez? Like he owns Wilkins or something and Lopez shouldn’t even talk to her let alone sit beside her,” Bennett says.

So, she noticed the way Alvarez glared at Lopez too. But my mind can’t even process that Alvarez would want to make sure that no other guys even try to have a conversation with me. I know Alvarez is evil. But secretly wanting to date me, twisted kind of evil? I never imagined all of that.

“Insecure bitchass,” Raymond corrects herself from earlier in awe.

“Maybe he’s gay and he just doesn’t want anyone to find out, so he’s lying and saying he’s sleeping with Wilkins to hide it?” Martinez takes another stab. And honestly, her reasoning sounds more plausible to me than Alvarez being secretly infatuated with me.

“That nigga ain’t gay,” Raymond dismisses, “You know Escalante with the glasses who works in the mailroom? Well, she told me he messes with her, some other girl named Reyes, and another Puerto Rican chick at the clinic for 523rd”

“Yeah, he’s not gay. Just a plain old asshole,” Bennett agrees.

“So, what are we going to do?” Martinez whispers, “We can’t just let him keep going around spreading lies about Wilkins”

My heart soars. I can’t believe Martinez actually seems to care about my problems. Like she wants to help, too.

Bennett smiles. Oh no. It is that mad scientist look again.

“Girl, you look scary,” Raymond comments and I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that she does when her face gets like this.

“That’s because I’m going to toy with this shitbag,” Bennett says.
Then she looks at us all like she’s about to break down her plot for world domination again. I thought we already made a plan, but she looks like she just thought of an even better one now.

“What does he want?,” Bennett continues.

Raymond rolls her eyes, “Obviously Wilkins pussy”

I feel mortified when she says that.

“Exactly! And what should we make sure he can’t have?” Bennett points to Raymond like she’s the brightest student in the class.

Raymond’s own grin spreads over her face and it starts to match Bennett’s scary look.

“Wilkins’ pussy,” She says and she looks like she’s becoming a mad scientist too.

“Exactly!” Bennett says and the two seem to glance at each other as if they both understand one another’s madness.

Martinez speaks up.

“Don’t you guys think we should just report him to SHARP? I mean, that falls under the category in some kind of way, right? Or we can tell LT. She’d understand,” She tries to reason.

Bennett shakes her head,“No, he wants to play games. So, let’s play games”.

“I don’t like this,” Martinez worries. And I agree with her.

“Y’all, don’t sweat. If things get too out of hand, then we’ll go to LT. But for now we’ll just deal with this ourselves in our own way,” Bennett assures us. But it sounds like the kind of thing someone tells you to get you to agree to something you know you shouldn’t.

“Ok,” Martinez concedes. And there is nothing else I can say, either.

Then Raymond takes me by surprise when she unexpectedly hugs me,“Oooooo girl, drama! I’m going to like being friends with you! This is the kind of shit I live for!”

We all can’t help but burst out laughing after that.

XxxxxX

At chow I actually have people to sit with.

Usually I don’t, so I will just grab a to-go box and eat in my barrack room. But because I’ve become like a little project and friends with Bennett, Martinez, and Raymond, I am no longer alone.

I sit at a table with them, some other girls from our unit, and some of the guys.

And when I get up to get a refill on my orange juice, Lopez follows me.

“Here you go, baby,” He says as he hands me a fresh cup.

I think he is harmless. Just a flirt like Martinez said. But the way his arm was around me at PT today makes me feel like I need to set some boundaries.

“Thank you,” I say as I take it.

I push the button to fill it with juice.

“So,” Lopez broaches, “When are we going out to eat?”

I look at him in confusion.

“You know,” He continues, “When are you going to let me take you on a date?”

My heart starts beating fast.

Well, I thought Lopez was just a flirt.

I’ve never been asked out before, but now it is suddenly happening and I don’t know what to do.

My brain bounces back and forth in my head like a ball as I try to come up with what to say. My mother never prepared me for this. So, I have no clue what to answer him.

Do I go out with a boy just because one finally asks me?

Lopez sees my expression.

“Calm down, I’m just joking,” He says.

A wash of relief fills me.

“Oh,” I say in embarrassment.

“I don’t want to get you in trouble with your main man and all,” He says, “I was just figuring with how you ignored the Cuban today that maybe you were looking for side dude replacement”

I am about to open my mouth to say something when I notice Lopez’s eyes aren’t on me anymore, but something behind me.

“Speak of the devil!” He says with a grin.

I look over my shoulder and there is Alvarez again. Like a shadow.

“Don’t worry, man,” Lopez says, “I was just getting some juice. I wasn’t trying to talk to your girl or anything”

“I’m not his girl,” I interject and that voice that came up at PT is back. The one that sounds like my mom a little.

Lopez raises his eyebrows as if this is some kind of confirmation he needed, “Oh, really?”

He looks at Alvarez again and it’s like he has new found confidence, “Well in that case, I take back what I said, I was trying to talk to her. Actually, we were just trying to decide where we were going to go tonight”

“Can I talk to you?” I hear Alvarez say to me as he just ignores Lopez.

But he doesn’t know that I am ignoring him instead. So, I don’t say anything. Instead my juice is done filling up and I am ready to head back to the table and get away from both him and Lopez.

But then Alvarez has the nerve to touch my arm. I jerk away from him.

Who does he think he is? I never wanted him to talk to me let alone to touch me. Yet according to him we’ve done everything under the sun.

“I don’t think she likes you anymore, man,” Lopez assesses and he sounds like he’s taunting Alvarez, “I think you should just give up”

“Come on, Serial Killer,” Alvarez ignores Lopez once again and then drops his voice to where I think he thinks only I can hear, “Wilkins, I just want to talk”

I ignore him and walk the other way with my cup.

But something in me makes me stop. I turn around, look him in the eye, and although I know Bennett told me not to talk to him…I think she would be ok if I say this.

“My name is not Serial Killer. So, stop calling me that. Don’t talk to me at all, actually”

And then I walk away.

I strut as if I really am Naomi Campbell on a runway in Paris somewhere. And I am so tall that even though I feel people’s eyes watching me, I hold my head up high so I can’t even see them.

I just had my Gabrielle Union moment too. I gave Alvarez my best reading someone to filth like she does in Deliver Us from Eva.

This is the closest I think I will ever get to being a main character, maybe. And I know one thing, I do feel like a bad bitch right now. Just like Bennett said I am.

XXXXXXXXXX

“We’re going out tonight,” Bennett says.

It has been almost six weeks since I started speaking. And things have changed for the better. For one, I have friends. And for two, no one calls me Serial Killer anymore.

Actually, word got around that I told Alvarez off for calling me that. So, now people either refer to me as Killer or by my last name, Wilkins.

But Martinez is the only one who calls me by my first name.

Ever since we started hanging out more, Martinez and I changed seats in our building so that our computers and desks are near each other in the office where we work.

Sometimes we finish doing our orders early, so we’ll pass the time talking in place of when we used to just stare at our phones or read a book in silence instead.

Lately we’ll even talk while we do our work. Because that seems to make the time go by even quicker.

Martinez told me she is Mexican from Texas and that her family originated there when it was still a Spanish territory. She says she can’t speak Spanish though. The last person who at least understood it was her grandmother on her father’s side. Her parents and their parents were encouraged to assimilate and they thought it was best not to know the language.

“The only thing Mexican about me is my last name,” She admitted to me.

I relate a lot to that even though I’m not Mexican American. Growing up I was always told that I wasn't “talking or acting” black enough by other black kids in my class. Because I was quiet and shy a lot of people felt I didn’t embrace who I am.

One day, Martinez and I got around to calling each other by our real names. Which I haven’t commonly used since I’ve joined the Military.

Martinez's first name is Emily and my first name is Majesty.

“I love your name!” She told me when I admitted it to her. I told her I usually don’t like telling people because my name isn’t that common.

“Well, I wish I had your name. Emily is way too common,” She informed me.

And it really changed my perception.

I never thought about it that way before.

I feel a lot happier now that I actually have people to talk to. I am no longer calling my mom every night. Which she’s noticed.

But the only thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that I stay in my room a lot. It isn’t that I don’t want to hang out with the other girls. It is just that the things I want to do are boring to them.

“Wilkins, you’re nineteen not eighty-nine,” Bennett always reminds me.

But she doesn’t understand that going out just isn’t fun to me. I told her I would love to go to a bookstore or to the movies. But she told me that it is like watching paint dry and why would she pay for a movie when we already have streaming services.

So, I usually stay at the barracks alone reading a book in my room or watching Netflix by myself on weekends.

I always wake up though to hear what Bennett has to tell me all of what happened at the club that night or whatever person’s house or barrack room they went to. The craziest thing that has happened so far is that Bennett actually did sleep with Anderson. The guy who cat called her at the smoke pit.

She said he had a three inch dick. And when I said that was good, she looked at me like I was crazy. And I learned that three inches isn’t a good size dick at all. Or at least not according to Bennett.

We went to her room and she went under her bed and pulled out a black box. She opened it and revealed to me all the sex toys she has. And the things she uses for sex. She explained to me how handcuffs can be used, belts, and what lube does.

She even handed me something purple that was shaped like a penis.

My hand was sweating so bad I thought I was going to drop it.

“How do you masturbate?” Bennett asked me.

And I nearly died on the spot.

I vaguely remember being twelve years old and holding my blankets on my bed in such a way that if I rubbed up against them, it would start to feel really good. But my mom caught me doing it one time and told me that only fast girls masturbate. So, I haven’t done it since.

“I don’t mean this disrespectfully, but your mom didn’t raise you right,” Bennett told me when I gave her that story.

She then proceeded to show me porn. Now, even though we both said we weren’t lesbians, sitting on Bennett’s bed at night watching people really go at it on a TV screen kind of felt like we were doing something sexual together. At least to me. But I didn’t want to say that I was uncomfortable.

“What do you think?” Bennett had asked me after the porno was over.

“Um,” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it didn’t really do it for me.

“Just google sex one day when you’re feeling horny,” Bennett told me, “Because the first time you do it, you’re going to want to make sure you’re really wet before the guy sticks it in. You can always borrow some of my lube, too if you want whenever you’re ready to finally start having sex”

When I went back to my room, I felt the strong urge to watch the movie Love and Basketball for a certain scene. So, maybe watching porn actually did do something to me.

And that night when I went to sleep I felt an odd buzzing between my legs. It was frustrating. I only ever felt it before when I watched that scene in Love and Basketball or read about people making love in a book. But usually it went away after the scene was over or the story moved along.

However, that night the buzzing didn’t stop.

So, I slowly bunched up my covers like I had all that time ago as a preteen when I felt that good feeling. But just as I was about to rub up against it, my mother’s words came into my head.

Only fast girls masturbate.

So, I opened my legs and let the covers fall out from between my thighs.

I am not a fast girl, I thought. I am not a slut like Alvarez told everyone that I was.

Since that night, I’ve kept the conversation of losing my virginity off the list of topics I’ll talk about with Bennett.

Tonight she is hell bent on taking me out with her.

“We’ll go to the mall, get you a cute outfit,” She continues as she sits on the edge of my bed, “One of us will teach you how to do your makeup, and we’ll go out”

I groan.

She does this every weekend. But she usually gives up. But tonight she is really adamant.

“I don’t want to go,” I say.

“What do you want to do then?” She retorts.

“Stay here,” I say sheepishly.

She rolls her eyes.

“Girl, you need to start living,” She tells me, “You spend all your free time reading and watching TV but you don’t even have a life of your own to enjoy”

When she puts it like that, I can’t help but feel sad. How many times have I wanted to have friends or live the life of some character in one of the many stories I love.

“You’ve got to live life to learn life,” Bennett adds.

I bite my lip.

“Only tonight,” I give in.

Bennett smiles.

XxXXX

We meet up in the parking lot of the barracks at Raymond’s car.

“Wilkins is here!” Raymond says when she sees me walk up, “Tonight’s going to be really crazy now!”

“I had to drag her ass,” Bennett informs her.

I look down in embarrassment. But thankfully, Martinez agreed to come out with us too. She isn’t one for partying either, and she finally told me that she spends most of her spare time with Goodwin. She admitted to me that they are dating, but that she doesn’t want everyone in the unit to know.

“I don’t care what they assume,” She had told me one day at work, “But I just don’t like people in my business”

We all get in Raymond’s car and Raymond speeds off.

She blasts some hip hop music as we ride off base and get on the highway towards the mall.

Bennett and Raymond talk about who they are trying to impress tonight and what kind of outfit they want to wear to do it. Meanwhile, Martinez and I sit in the back and just talk about other things.

When we arrive, Bennett and Raymond make us go into every shop and store. And although I thought I wouldn’t really like being out, I realize that shopping with other girls is actually pretty fun.

“What do you think?” Raymond asks us as she holds up a bandeau top.

“That’s cute!” Martinez assures her.

“I love it!” I respond. The color is a light pink and it beams against Raymond’s browner skin tone.

“You don’t think it’s too loud?” She asks.

“No, it’s not highlighter pink,” Bennett confirms, “It’s perfect”.

“Ok, well I found what I’m wearing,” Raymond says after getting the approval of all of us.

“Me too,” Bennett says as she holds the bag with the beige body con dress she tried on a few moments earlier that made her look like she was a Fashion Nova model.

“I think I’m going to go with this,” Martinez comments and flashes the bag that has the low cut, but conservative long sleeve red shirt she saw in a few stores back.

I panic. I realize I am the only one who doesn’t have an outfit. It’s not that I didn’t see pretty things. It is just that everything seemed to be either way too tight, way too short, or way too revealing for me to feel comfortable wearing.

“Can I just go with this?” I probe, motioning to what I am already wearing.

Raymond and Bennett share a look.

“Wilkins, I’m not trying to be mean, but no,” Bennett says.

“Yeah,” Raymond cosigns, “Girl, we can’t let you go out there looking like that”

I suddenly feel self conscious.

Martinez gives me a sad little smile.

“Sweatpants, tennis shoes, and t-shirts are cute for the barracks, but we’re trying to step out,” Bennett says, “So, you need something sexier than that”

“Yes, girl,” Raymond agrees, “That’s why we brought you here”

I feel nervous.

“I don’t know how to walk in heels though,” I say quietly, “Or in bodycon dresses”

Bennett and Raymond laugh.

“It’s ok, Majesty,” Martinez tells me gently, “I don’t either. You don’t have to get anything like that. I’m just going to wear this top and a pair of fitted jeans. And I’m not wearing heels either, but you do need like a cute platform or sandal or something”

So, we search for that. In another store I see a yellow dress that goes down to my ankles, has an open back, but looks breathable and flowy. When I touch it, the fabric feels good underneath my skin.

I hold it up to myself.

“What about this?” I ask the girls.

“I don’t know…” Bennett trails off.

“I mean, the color is good, but it looks a little churchy,” Raymond chimes in.

I don’t tell her that my grandmother would have never let me wear this type of dress to church.

Martinez is the only one who likes it.

“I think we can dress it up!” She says, “Wait here a minute! I saw some really cute shoes over there”

Martinez comes back holding a pair of black platform heels.

She holds it up to the dress and looks at Bennett and Raymond.

“Ok, wait a minute,” Raymond says like she’s a fashion designer and Martinez is Anne Hathaway in Devil Wear Prada trying to get Bennett and Raymond’s approval before she sends me out to the runway, “I can see it”

Bennett nods her head too as she touches the fabric, “Yeah, I can too y’all”

Then Bennett looks at me, “The only question is…do you have a pedicure?”

XXXXXXXXXXXX

We’re sitting in a spa at the mall getting our nails done. Toes and fingers. I’ve only done this once before with my mom when she was going on one of the few rare dates she ever told me about. I was eight and I remember liking the little jacuzzi bubbles that would fizz up when they sat me in the pedicure chair.

Since we have to be in regulation, none of us can get any crazy colors or lengths for our fingernails. But that doesn’t apply to our toenails. At first I think I will go with a simple, clear polish. But Bennett tells the nail technician to give me a yellow polish with some nail art added to the tips.

And in the end, I really like it.

But although I think we’re done once we get our nails painted, Bennett leads us to the back with one of the workers.

“So, we all want a full wax,” Bennett tells her, “Eyebrows, arms, legs, mouth if you see it, and brazilian”

I look at Martinez, but she doesn’t seem to be alarmed at all. Instead she says, “God, I’m so glad we’re doing this! I’ve been meaning to get a wax!” and she is really excited.

The worker leaves to go behind a curtain somewhere.

“Um,” I say since it is up to me to be the voice of reason, “What are we doing?”

Raymond and Bennett share another one of their looks at each other.

“Don’t worry, Wilkins,” Bennett says, “I got you. Just pay for your manicure and pedicure set. This ones on me”

“Shit, pay for me, too girl,” Raymond says.

“Can you pay for mine as well?” Martinez giggles.

I realize I am the only one who is scared.

“Ok, which one is first?” The worker asks as she comes back. And Raymond and Bennett point to me.

I look at them in confusion, but they just push me forward.

“Go ahead,” Bennett orders, “We have to hurry up”

I look at Martinez for help, but she just gives me a sympathetic smile.

XXXXXXXXXXX

“That hurt so bad,” I whimper in the back seat of the car on our way back to the base.

“Yeah, but didn’t it look nice after she finished?” Bennett counters me.

I have to agree with her there. I have never seen myself so bare before. Maybe the last time I was this hairless was when I was a baby.

“And she did our eyebrows really well!” Martinez exclaims as she stares at herself in her phone’s camera.

She reaches up so I can see my eyebrows in her phone’s selfie camera. I had seen them when the worker finished but I had to admit that I was more so paying attention to the pain than anything else.

“Wow,” I say, “My face looks like a different person with waxed brows”

Raymond scoffs.

“Girl, you haven’t seen what your face can do! Wait until we teach you how to do your makeup!” She reminds me.

Martinez taps my shoulder and I realize she’s angling her phone for us to take a selfie together. I smile.

“I’ll send it to you,” She says after.

And it hits me that this is my first picture with a friend in the Army. I have the immediate thought of my mother’s voice in my head asking me if I am making any friends. I should send my mom the picture after I get it.

When we get back to the barracks, the sun is just starting to go down and night is approaching. We all go to Raymond’s room again to get dressed.

I am immediately reminded of sleepovers. But instead this is a night out. Raymond blasts some more hip hop music on her speakers and we all start undressing to get ready.

Everyone stops dead in their tracks, it feels like, though when I take off my t-shirt and sweats.

“What?” I ask and I immediately self conciously.

“Girl, we should have stopped at Victoria’s Secret too,” Raymond says.

“Wilkins, why are you wearing granny panties and a sports bra?” Bennett asks me.

I look at them incredulously.

“I always wear this,” I say, although I feel more insecure than defensive.

Raymond ruffles around in her dresser drawer and comes up with some satin, white undies that look super thin. Like the kind I’ve seen in magazine spreads but never bought.

“Let me guess,” Bennett says, “Your momma taught you that only fast girls wear nice bras and panties?”

I look at the ground in embarrassment.

“She didn’t say that necessarily, she just said that they were too grown for me,” I admit.

Bennett shakes her head.

“Don’t worry,” Martinez reassures me as she touches my arm in solidarity, “I don’t wear nice bras or panties all the time either, but it would be good to wear them with your dress tonight”

Bennett goes over to where Raymond is still ruffling through her drawer.

“You’re the only one that has something that might fit her,” She says to Raymond, “Me and Martinez are too busty”

“This,” Raymond says and she shows Bennett, who nods her head.

“Here,” Raymond hands me the panties and a white push up bra to match, “It might be a little big, but just adjust the straps”

And just like that, things are normal again. And I am no longer feeling like a freak. But I do realize that all the girls are wearing skimpy, frilly underwear and bras. I was the only one who was wearing comfortable undergarments.

When I slip on the yellow dress I bought, it shimmies down the length of my body but doesn’t feel constricting. Just like I expected.

“Ooooo, girl! Look at you!” Raymond cheers, “I don’t know why we joined the Army! We should all be on someone’s beach somewhere getting paid to sit and look pretty! Especially you, though, cause you’ve actually got the height”

I feel touched. But Raymond is gorgeous too. She has on the pink bandeau top and a pair of torn shorts. Her skin is a lot more brown and not as dark as mine. Which makes me want to tell Lopez the next time I see him that Raymond’s skin tone is the true chocolate. Not me.

“Come on, girl, let’s do something to our hair,” Raymond says to me specifically.

We go to the bathroom together since she and I use similar products. One of our many discussions since getting to know one another has been on what works and doesn’t work for our texture.

“I think I’m going to wear mine out,” She says.

I nod my head.

“That’ll look good,” I tell her.

“How are you going to wear your’s?” She asks me.

“Maybe I’ll just keep mine back,” I say.

“Girl, you always wear your hair back,” She tells me, “Everyday we have to wear it in a bun. You need to let that shit be free tonight!”

Bennett joins us in the doorway.

“Yeah, Wilkins, she’s right, wear it in an afro like you do at night,” She tells me.

Bennett lets her own hair down and it falls like ringlets past her shoulders.

“Ugh, this is the hair I always wish I had,” Raymond says as she grabs a handful of Bennett’s curls and lifts them up off her neck.

“We’re all wearing our hair down?” Martinez asks as she makes her way over to the bathroom, too.

“Yes, let’s do that,” Raymond says as if she’s giving us an order, “Coordinate”

“Okay,” Martinez says and she takes her hair out of it’s ponytail. It glides down to her waist.

“Wow,” I say. I’ve never seen her with her hair all the way down before. It is bone straight, shiny, and black, “Your hair is so pretty”.

“Thanks,” Martinez beams up at me.

She has her low cut top on and has changed into the pair of fitted jeans and sandals she also bought from the mall today.

“Well, I guess let me fluff this shit up,” Raymond says as she starts to finger comb her hair.

I reach out to help her instinctively.

I grab her spray bottle and begin misting it with water.

Martinez watches us in awe.

“I wish I had you guys’ hair,” She says, “There’s so much you can do with it”

Raymond laughs.

“Girl, we spent half of our lives wishing we had your hair though,” She tells Martinez.

And I can’t even deny that.

But it hits me that everyone might wish to have what they don’t at one point in their life or another.

Eventually Bennett and Martinez leave Raymond’s room to go get their makeup bags from their barracks. So, it is just me and Raymond left in the bathroom together.

Once we get Raymond’s hair to look right, it is my turn. I take it out of my low ponytail and start shaking my hair around like Raymond did.

“Damn, girl,” She says, “Your hair is long! You got inches! This shit is longer than mine!”

I never thought of my hair as long since my hair grows upward and out instead of down like Bennett or Martinez’s hair. But compared to Raymond who has only been natural for about four years and me who’s been natural my whole life, I guess I would have more hair than she does.

We work on getting it to look nice and full and then we move on to makeup.

Thankfully, Raymond picked out some simple beauty items for me when we were at the mall. And now she shows me how to do what she calls a “natural” face. I follow her instructions to the T.

I mimic everything she does as she does it to her own face. And that’s what we all end up doing when Martinez and Bennett come back with their makeup bags. We stand in the mirror, all crammed together and just twist caps, tap brushes, and dab with beauty blenders.

And as I look in the mirror, I do admit I see a difference. It isn’t as big as Raymond or Bennett’s who know how to do eye looks, wings, and love to add lashes. And not as steady as Martinez who can add a lip liner and apply lipstick seamlessly. But my little foundation, concealer, blush, gloss, highlight, and mascara looks pretty enough.

“Girl!!” Raymond squeals after we all pose in the mirror for a selfie, “We look fine as hell!”

We put on our shoes. And thankfully, the platforms that Martinez chose for me aren’t hard to walk in at all. But once I put them on, it is like I turn from model height to a freaking Amazon woman.

Martinez now barely comes up to my thigh. Which we both can’t stop laughing about. We clean up Raymond’s room and take our leftover stuff back to our own barracks before we meet back up in front of the car.

When Bennett and I head to get back, however, something weird happens. My squad leader SSG McDonald notices us as we go past CQ. He is outside smoking a cigarette. I remember that he did get assigned duty tonight. But I don’t think much about it.

I am fully prepared to greet him, although he’s never paid me much attention before. But before I can say anything, he looks at me in a weird way that gives me a funny feeling. He’s never looked at me like that before. It’s as if his eyes are roaming every inch of my body. From top to bottom.

“Hi, SSG,” I say anyway. And because he’s my Squad Leader and not Bennett’s it feels like I am the only one who should acknowledge him.

He squints as if he can’t see since it is pretty dark out. Then he takes a drag of his cigarette before looking at me up and down again for what feels like a long time more. I feel gross for some reason.

“Wilkins, is that you?” He says finally.

He takes another drag.

“Y-yes,” I say.

Then he looks at Bennett for a long time, too. But she just stares him back down.

“Who’s your friend?” He asks.

“My roommate, SSG,” I tell him, “You know Bennett”

He looks Bennett up and down and then puts out his cigarette.

“Yeah, I’ve heard of Bennett,” He says.

Bennett just eyes him. I can tell from the look on her face that she is annoyed.

“Where are you two headed?” He asks, “You got some boyfriends you’re going to go see?”

“What?” Bennett finally speaks and she shocks me because she sounds aggressive even though he is a higher rank than both of us combined.

He looks at her up and down again and I shiver even though it isn’t even cold out. I pray that he doesn’t start yelling at Bennett or write her up or make her do pushups in her dress.

“You two just look like you’re about to go on a date that’s all. Chill, light skin,” He says to Bennett.

Bennett puts her hands on her hips. I wish she would stop being so combative with him because I seriously don’t want her to go in trouble. She is about to say something, but it is like she thinks better of it to my relief.

“Alright, you have a nice night SSG,” She says and she grabs my arm. From the tone of her voice though, you would think she said something else.

We get away from him and I whisper, “That. Was. Weird,” to Bennett.

“He’s weird!” Bennett corrects me.

“He’s never acted like that to me before,” I tell her as we walk arm and arm.

“Well, I’ll be the one to tell you…stay away from him,” She says and it reminds me of my mom telling me not to speak to strange men who come up to ask me if I have seen their lost puppy.

Once we meet back up with Raymond and Martinez, Bennett and I tell them the encounter with SSG McDonald.

“Oh god,” Martinez says and she sounds like she is about to cry, “I thought I was the only one who noticed that he acts a little funny sometimes”

As we get in the car, Raymond tells Martinez to tell us what he did to her to make her think that.

So Martinez describes an experience she had.

First, she finally admits to Raymond and Bennett that she and Goodwin are together.

And apparently one night SSG McDonald was on CQ and he came to her room at 11PM to do a room check. She said she wouldn’t have been up usually, but that she had been waiting on Goodwin to come to her barrack so they could watch a movie.

She said that when she asked SSG McDonald why he was doing a room check so late at night, he told her that it was because he had gotten some complaints about some noises coming from her room.

“I said ‘Noises, SSG?’ and he just looked me up and down in this creepy way and was like, ‘Yeah, noises’,” Martinez whispers like she’s been holding on to this horrible secret for a long time. We are all silent as we listen to her in the car.

“Then he started going through my things. Through my drawers. And he held up one of my panties and said, ‘You wear these?’ and at that point I was literally shaking. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like no one would believe me if I told them that he had just come into my room and started acting like this, because you never would expect anyone to act like that. To be so bold. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening to me,” Martinez continues.

Truthfully, I don’t like the way this story is going and it is starting to scare me. We’ve heard about things like this happening in the Army. But to actually hear Martinez’s first hand account of it…She’s someone I know…That I am friends with. It feels way different than just looking at a power point or reading a hand out now.

“Then he asked me if I was wearing anything like that now. And I said, ‘What do you mean SSG?’ like an idiot. I didn’t run. I didn’t yell. I didn’t do anything. Instead I just let him act the way he was acting. I get so mad at myself when I think about it. But just before he could say anything else, Goodwin knocked on my door. And he put my panties back in my drawer and opened the door for Goodwin like nothing had happened”

“What did Goodwin think about SSG McDonald being in your room at 11PM? Did you tell him what happened?” Raymond asks and she sounds mad.

Martinez shakes her head.

“He didn’t really think anything of it, because SSG McDonald told him he was just doing a room check. And for us to have a good night. Of course Goodwin commented after he left that it was pretty weird for SSG McDonald to be doing a room check this late and he even joked and asked if I was cheating on him with SSG McDonald. But other than that, he didn’t bring it up again. And I didn’t tell Goodwin how SSG McDonald acted before he got there. I didn’t want to tell Goodwin, because I didn’t want him to think that I was stupid. I mean, what other girl would let a SSG in their room at 11PM at night for a room check? If something had happened, it would have been my own fault. I was just naive and he got me,” She says with a sad shake of her head. It is as if she feels guilty and ashamed when SSG McDonald is the one who should feel like that instead.

I reach out and I squeeze Martinez’s hand. I want to tell her all the things they teach us in SHARP. That it isn’t her fault. That it wouldn’t have been her fault. But I don’t want to sound cliche, so I don’t.

But she squeezes my hand back.

“It’s ok,” Bennett says and she sounds so angry I think she might get back out the car and go stab SSG McDonald but thankfully she just says, “Now we know to stay away from his creepy ass.”

“Girl, shouldn’t we report him?” Raymond of all people asks.

“What can she really say though?” Bennett sighs like she’s frustrated but not at Martinez instead it sounds like she’s frustrated that SSG McDonald gets to get away with what he did, “Report him for being a weirdo?”

She has a point. Unless SSG McDonald physically touched Martinez or said something explicit to her, what could we do?

Although going through a girl’s panty drawer and asking her if she’s wearing any would build a pretty good case. That is, if the people assessing it didn’t die laughing on the floor at the silliness of it all first.

“You know what, girl? Fuck him!” Raymond snaps and turns back on the music, “Let’s forget about that nigga and have a good ass night!”

And we all agree to do just that.

XxxxxxxX

It is my first time inside of a club. And right off the bat I can tell that I don’t know if I will like it.

For one, it is dark, packed, and the music is way too loud. I feel like someone has thrown me to the bottom of the pool where all I can do is close my eyes and feel my ears pop.

But Martinez holds my hand as if she is there to help pull me out.

“Let’s go find a table!” She shouts at Raymond and Bennett.

Those two look like they’ve just entered heaven, however, and don’t hear her over the song that is playing.

So, Martinez turns to me instead.

“I’ll go find a table,” She shouts into my ear.

I nod my head. But once she let’s go of my hand, I immediately regret agreeing to let her leave. Even though I am taller than some of the males in this club now with my platform shoes on, I lose sight of Martinez in the crowd.

But I remember that I have my cell phone and she will text me when she finds a spot.

“Come on girl,” Raymond says as she pushes past people, “Let’s go dance! This is my shit!”

Bennett follows her willingly, but I only follow after them half heartedly. I’ve only danced once before.

When I was seven I went to a cookout at a neighbor’s house, and I remember watching the other girls shake their butts. So, I copied them.

Well, my mom got so mad that she dragged me home and spanked me. After that, I was scared to even tap my foot to a song.

But Bennett and Raymond aren’t scared. At all.

Instead they reach the dance floor and start grinding on one another like they are in a music video. I awkwardly watch them because I feel out of place.

Bennett notices and grabs my hand.

“Come on, Wilkins!” She shouts.

“Yeah, girl!” Raymond encourages.

I don’t have the heart to tell them that I don’t dance. I don’t think they would hear me anyway.

So, instead I say, “I’m going to go find Martinez!”

“What?” Bennett shouts.

I lean into her ear like Martinez did to me and shout, “I’m going to go find Martinez!”

She looks around and notices for the first time that Martinez isn’t with us anymore.

She nods her head. And I don’t hesitate to take that as my cue to flee the scene.

I push past a hoard of people. And as I’m trying to go by, some guy grabs my waist.

“Hey, beautiful,” He shouts.

I don’t know who he is or recognize him as someone from my unit.

“You want me to buy you a drink?!” He shouts as he leans in my ear.

“I’m only nineteen!” I shout back.

He looks me up and down. Kind of like how SSG McDonald looked at me and Bennett tonight.

“Who are you with?!” He shouts at me.

I look around.

“I’m looking for my friend!” I shout.

He laughs.

“Forget her!” He shouts, “You should hang with us!”

And he motions to a group of men sitting at a table near the bar. They are all eyeing me. And every last one of them look like clones of SSG McDonald the way they are staring at me.

The guy is still tightly holding on to my waist and I feel extremely uncomfortable. Like I can’t get away.

I don’t know if this is normal or not.

“Hey, man!” Someone shouts from behind me, “She’s with me!”

I turn around and see Goodwin. Lopez is beside him. A rush of relief floods over me.

The guy seems to assess Goodwin before nodding his head and letting go of my waist. I silently breathe a sigh of relief.

“Thanks, Goodwin!” I shout over the music.

Goodwin just gives me a little side hug. And I note that he makes sure not to touch any important body parts. He is very respectful.

But Lopez isn’t like Goodwin.

“Damn, Wilkins!” Lopez says but he doesn’t shout at me instead he makes sure I can hear him because he presses his lips dangerously close to the flesh of my ear, “I can’t leave you alone for a second. Someone’s already trying to steal you away”

Then he leans back and looks at me, “I see that chest is on show tonight!”

And he reaches out like he did that day he first talked to me at PT. I slap his hands away this time though. I know he is just playing around…

Or at least I hope he is.

I mean, I don’t think he is really going to try to touch me.

XxxxxX

It turns out that Martinez texted Goodwin and Lopez to meet us here at the club. And they already saw her at the table. So, they are able to lead me to her.

Luckily for me, Martinez picked out a place in the back mostly away from all the noise and people. I feel thankful that I have a place to get away from all of it.

“Hey! Good! You found Wilkins!” She tells the boys.

“Are Raymond and Bennett still dancing?” She asks me.

I nod my head. And sit down at the table in the seat across from her.

“I’ll text them and let them know where the table is at then,” She tells me.

I nod again.

I watch as Goodwin gives her a kiss on her cheek before he takes a place down beside her. I look away at the intimacy of it.

“See, baby,” Lopez whispers dangerously close to my ear again as he plops next to me with his arm over my chair, “That could be us”

I just give a fake laugh. I wish he would stop whispering like that to me.

“Are you hungry, Majesty?” Martinez asks me.

I nod my head. I actually am. Between shopping, pedicures, waxing, and getting ready I realize that I haven’t eaten in awhile.

“Ok, we’ll order some wings,” She says.

“Majesty?” Lopez comments, “That’s your name? Like Queen or some shit?”

“Yes,” Martinez informs him, “Her first name is Majesty”

“Majesty,” Lopez says as if it is the funniest name he’s ever heard, “That’s some ghetto shit”

Martinez looks shocked that Lopez just said that out loud and Goodwin looks at him like Lopez crossed a line.

I just look down at the table. I feel really uncomfortable now.

“Ah man,” I hear Lopez say, “Did I say ghetto? I meant that’s some unique shit”

“At least Majesty’s name is actually for a girl,” Goodwin says and I look up. I realize he is coming to my defense. I note that he reminds of one of my older male cousins.

“His real name is Angel,” Martinez tells me and she seems to be apologizing to me on behalf of Lopez.

Lopez for the first time since I’ve met him looks visibly uncomfortable.

“Yep,” Goodwin chimes, “Soft ass name for a soft ass guy”

“Hey, I’m not a soft motherfucker, my mom just named me that because I’m her baby boy,” He says.

“Shut up,” Goodwin tells him, “You know you’re a soft marshmallow ass”

Martinez and I laugh.

XXXXXX

The wings arrive and though I am hungry…I can’t eat.

I feel self conscious in a weird way. I spent all this time doing my hair, my makeup, and spent all this money on this dress, that the idea of ruining it all for the sake of hot wings doesn’t seem right to me. And it must be a girl thing, because I notice Martinez doesn’t touch the wings either.

But the boys don’t notice. Instead they eat as if there isn’t anything wrong with getting messy and dirty. And for them, I guess it isn’t.

Goodwin and Martinez are very lovey dovey. Which surprises me because usually Martinez is shy about showing that she and Goodwin are an item.

I sit and watch as they whisper and talk softly to one another in each other’s ears. And I can’t help but to wonder what they are talking about. Or what it feels like to be in love.

Lopez is no Fitzwilliam Darcy. More like a Casa Nova. To be truthful I don’t really see myself dating a guy like Lopez.

For one, he keeps touching me. I keep having to push his hand off my lap because he keeps trying to slide it up and down my thigh from underneath the table. The way he does it is so quick that sometimes I wonder if he even did it at all or if I’m just imagining things.

He also keeps trying to kiss my ear. This is all too much for me. We haven’t even went out on a date for him to be thinking he can just rub on me like this.

“Let’s go dance,” Lopez whispers really close to my ear again.

Once more I feel his hand grab my thigh.

I push him off yet again. But he acts like nothing happened.

“I don’t think so,” I say and my voice is getting tight and short with him, “Why don’t you go dance by yourself?”

Really I just want to get away from him.

“Come on,” He pleads as if he can’t get the hint, “I want to see you stand up in that sexy dress of yours. I only got to see it a little bit earlier”

“You’ll see me stand up when we leave,” I counter.

Lopez grins.

That was the wrong response.

Now, he thinks I’m flirting back with him.

He leans into my ear again.

“You want to come back to the barracks with me?” He whispers.

I feel his hand on my thigh. But this time it’s inching dangerously close to another area.

A area my mother used to tell me as a little girl rhat NO ONE is allowed to touch.

I immediately stand up.

Martinez asks if I’m ok.

“Yeah,” I say but my voice sounds irritated because I really am not, “I have to go to the bathroom”

“You want me to come with you?” Martinez asks and she begins to stand as well.

But I shake my head. I don’t want to take her away from Goodwin.

“I’m good,” I assure her and turn to leave the table.

For some reason as if me leaving him at the table by himself isn’t a hint enough, Lopez follows me.

I can hear my mother’s voice in my head telling me that if anyone ever tries to touch me on my private parts, that I need to come and tell her. Well, I’m nineteen so I can’t go crying to my mother anymore.

Lopez reaches up to me and I whirl around.

“I don’t know what kind of girl you think I am, but I’m not the kind you can just feel up on at a table without my permission,” I snapped at him.

My voice sounds scolding. Exactly like my mother’s when she’s lecturing me.

Lopez looks taken aback. Good. Maybe now he will finally leave me alone. If that isn’t clear enough, I don’t know what else is.

I walk towards where I think the rest rooms are and as I do, I feel someone else, yet again, reach out and grab me. But this time, I’m ready to tell whoever it is to let go. I am not just up for grabs yet every man here at this club thinks I’m wearing a sign that says “Touch Me: Please”.

And when I do see who it is, I really am ready to tell him to leave me alone.

Alvarez.

He’s holding onto my elbow, but even when I jerk it back, he doesn’t let go.

“Get off of me!” I snap at him.

What is Alvarez’s problem? What is Lopez's problem? What is that one guy who I didn’t even know’s problem? What are these men’s problems to where they think they can just manhandle me whichever way they want?

Alvarez actually does let go, but asks, “What was that all about? What did that Mexican do to you?”

I blink and realize that Alvarez must have been somewhere in this club watching me. Bennett must be right. He is obsessed with me.

I turn around and decide to just continue to ignore him. Just like Bennett instructed me to do. And which I have been doing for the past month and a half now. Actually, I haven’t spoken one word to Alvarez since that day in the Defac when I told him not to talk to me at all.

“Did he do something to you?” Alvarez persists again as he follows me towards the bathrooms.

“Yes,” I say before I can stop myself.

Why did I just say that?

I berate myself. I just broke my streak of ignoring Alvarez. I’ve talked to him twice now.

“I told you not to talk to me,” I say and pray that I sound like how I did that day in the Defac or even just now to Lopez.

But I’m really shaken up, so I know that I probably don’t.

I finally lose Alvarez once I enter the women’s bathroom. Thankfully there are a lot of stalls and there is no long line like they show in the movies I’ve watched about clubs like this.

I go look at myself in the mirror, I don’t see Naomi Campbell. I don’t see Gabrielle Union. I don’t see a beautiful woman. Instead I feel ugly. And stupid. Why do women get all dressed up like this if it just means that men are going to treat us like pieces of meat?

I don’t feel pretty anymore.

Instead I feel ugly in this dress and these heels that make me tower over everyone. And I feel stupid because I came out tonight when I should have just stayed safe in my room.

Tears spring up in my eyes.

Great.

I’m crying in the club.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’ve wiped all of the makeup off of my face. Hopefully that will deter any more men from trying to grab at me now if they see I am a plain Jane. Maybe it is better not to be desired by men if being desired just gets you molested.

My plan now is to leave. I’ll text Martinez and tell her that I felt tired and caught an uber back to the base.

As I exit the restroom, though, I see Alvarez is still out there. As if he is waiting for me. Stalking me.

I turn away from him before he can try to talk to me. And even though my legs are long, this club is packed and I can only get so far to the door before he catches up to me.

“Look, Wilkins we need to talk,” He says and it sounds like he’s trying to be my friend, “We used to always talk, remember?”

I feel the anger boil in my veins. Who does he think he is? He pretended to be a good guy in Basic Training only to turn everyone against me and make my life a living hell. And now he’s saying we used to always talk? Like he was my friend? Or rather as if he didn’t make sure he was the only person who would talk to me.

I make it to the exit of the club, and once I’m outside it feels like I’ve finally come up for air. I feel like I can breathe better. Even though there are some people still lingering around, it isn’t as crowded. I look down at my phone and open up my uber app.

“Where are you going?” Alvarez asks me as he stands next to me on the sidewalk.

“Will you stop bothering me Christopher?” I don’t know why, but I use his first name. Maybe that will get through to him how serious I am right now.

I continue, “I know about everything. All the stuff you told everyone about me, about you and me, I know now. I know about all those things you said to other people behind my back. So, just leave me alone”

My tone isn’t harsh right now. Instead I just sound like I am pleading with him to finally stop bullying me.

“I appreciate all the help you gave me in Basic Training and AIT. And all the help you’ve given me here up until this point, but we don’t have to be attached at the hip anymore. I have my friends. You have your friends. I just want to live my own life…without you in it,” I can’t read the look on his face.

He is just staring at me, but I’m not sure if he is comprehending what I just said.

“I just want to be happy,” I tell him and my voice breaks a little. Suddenly I feel like I’m about to cry all over again. I know I am being really weak right now and he probably is just feeding off it, but don’t bullies have a heart too?

I have said all I needed to say. So, I turn away from him and look for an uber to get me to base. But I can feel tears cloud my vision, so I’m just staring at my phone at this point.

“Wilkins,” Alvarez says my name again.

I look up and sigh, ready to just tell him this time in my authoritative voice to get lost. I guess bullies need to see that you can stand up for yourself before they will finally leave you alone.

But before I can, Alvarez pecks me on the lips.

Now, I’ve never been kissed before, but I have seen it on TV, movies, and read about it in books.

And I’m so shocked at what he just did that I can’t even find the words in my head to say anything.

But then he does it again. Another peck, but this time it is softer and feels like our lips are pressing together more.

Then a third time.

A fourth.

A fifth.

Then he wraps his arms around my waist and starts pressing his body and lips up against mine.

At first, I don’t know how to react.

I’m not sure what to do. But I rest my hands on the sides of his chest.

Part of me knows I should tell him to stop.

But if I am being honest…

It feels…really good.

Unlike Lopez pressing his lips too close to my ear or reaching his hand to touch my private part…

I don’t want Alvarez to stop.

I close my eyes and let Alvarez press his lips up against mine. He wraps his hands aroumd my waist as if he’s holding me to him. And I can feel his grip through the soft fabric of my dress. I can also feel the tug of my breasts against the bra Raymond gave me. It feels like my body is screaming for him to do more.

But more of what?

Being up against him so tightly like this, I feel incredibly warm. Almost safe. It’s weird.

The buzzing starts down there again.

I pull away.

I can’t yell at Alvarez like I did to Lopez. I can’t because if I was going to yell at him I would have done it the first time he pressed his lips against mine. And I can’t lie and say that I wanted him to keep kissing me, but at the same time…

Did I?

“Wilkins, I really like you,” I hear Alvarez say.

I blink. I don’t know how to respond now that he’s said what Bennett assessed.

“I want you to know that,” He continues and he seems scared or something like he doesn’t know if he should be telling me this.

I blink a few times. My mind is still trying to process what just happened.

“Next time you have to ask me,” I whisper.

“What did you say?” He didn’t hear me.

“Next time you have to ask me before you do that,” I say a little bit louder but my voice isn’t shrill or angry, “You can’t just kiss me without my permission”

To my surprise he just nods his head.

“Ok,” He says.

“Is it ok if I kiss you again?”

My heart starts beating fast and I can feel the squeeze of my nipples in the push up bra. The buzzing is super high right now. It is so loud that I wonder if the whole world can hear it.

My body wants to say yes.

That much I’m aware of now.

But I shake my head no.

“I’m too upset right now,” I say and my voice feels like I am just giving up at this point.

I cross my arms, “First Lopez tried to molest me and then you keep trying to talk to me when I told you not to and now you’ve kissed me…”

“Wait, what?” Alvarez snaps before I can continue, “Lopez did what to you?”

Crap.

I shake my head.

I realize that I shouldn’t have said all of that.

But I was just trying to make him understand that I’ve had a really bad night in the span of two or three hours.

But why am I trying to explain anything to Alvarez as if he cares about me?

He is not a good guy. He just says that he likes me, but then why does he always act like he doesn’t. I can’t trust anything Alvarez says. I can’t trust him at all. I trusted him before, opened up to him, and looked where that got me. A bunch of rumors and everyone treating me like I’m a pariah.

“Hey, there you are man,” A voice comes up on us from the direction of the club.

I look to see who it is and I immediately recognize the person in the dim light as Sawyer.

Sawyer also went to Basic training with me and Alvarez, but he is a different MOS and his AIT was longer than us. He was one of Alvarez’s friends. I thought I would never see Sawyer again after I left AIT. But apparently he got stationed here, too but I guess with a different company because I know he is not in ours.

“Ah, I see you found your girl,” He says and I watch as he takes a drag from a cigarette.

The vibe I get from Sawyer smoking and looking at me is way different than the one I got from SSG McDonald tonight, however.

Sawyer is respectful. He doesn’t look at me anywhere but in the eyes.

“What’s up, Wilkins?” He asks, “You remember me?”

“Y-Yeah,” I say, “It’s good to see you again”.

And then I also remember why Sawyer has a different vibe from SSG McDonald. Because Sawyer was the only one who didn’t call me Serial Killer during Basic and AIT.

Even though Alvarez probably tried to get him to do it, I’m sure. I look between Alvarez and Sawyer and it makes me wonder how someone who obviously has some back bone can be friends with someone who thrives off of people without one.

“What are you doing out here? I know it’s a beautiful night…” Sawyer asks me and he sounds oddly parental or fatherly, “...But shouldn’t you be in the club with your friends? Dancing? Drinking?”

The only thing I can think of to say is, “I’m too young to drink”

“Shit,” Sawyer says with a slow laugh, “You're so tall they probably wouldn’t even card your ass.”

In normal circumstances I would find that funny. But this has been one weird hell of a night and Sawyer’s timing is way off to interrupt whatever it is Alvarez and I have going on right now.

Speaking of which, I realize Alavarez hasn’t spoken once since Sawyer arrived.

“You cool C?” Sawyer asks Alvarez as if he just notices Alvarez’s silence, too like I do.

But Alvarez just stares at me like Sawyer isn’t even there.

“Yeah,” He finally says and it is like he is coming out of a trance, “I’m going to go back inside real quick”

Sawyer looks at him,“You gonna leave your girl standing by herself out here alone?”

I don’t miss that Sawyer keeps calling me Alvarez’s girl. But I don’t even have the strength to correct him on that right now.

“No, watch her for me. Make sure she doesn’t run away again,” Alvarez says as if I’m a puppy or something and not standing right there listening to them.

“You alright?” Sawyer asks him again and his voice sounds parental once more; like how a dad would check on his child.

“Yeah,” Alvarez says.

And he heads back inside the club.

I realize that I am still a little shell shocked from Alvarez kissing me, because even though I want to…I can’t seem to move.

“He ain’t alright,” Sawyer says as if he’s talking to himself and he shakes his head before he looks at me again, “What did you tell him? He’s mad as hell. I don’t like it when he gets that look in his eye”

I don’t say anything. Because I think I’m realizing that this is real life. I just kissed Alvarez….

And liked it?

“Hey, are you alright? You’re shaking…” Sawyer asks me but the fatherly tone in his voice only makes me wish that I had my real dad in my life all of a sudden.

And it only makes me feel worse.

I look down at my hands and sure enough I am shivering like it’s 20 degrees outside.

“I want to go home,” I whisper.

But I don’t mean back to the base or to the barracks. Or even back to South Carolina.

I mean back to when I was five years old and my only worries were what doll I was going to play with today.

Sawyer takes another puff of his cigarette.

“I understand,” He says.

And I look at him.

I think he does.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Your boy told me to watch you,” Sawyer tells me as he holds on to my phone.

Somehow I made the mistake of telling Sawyer that I was going to catch an uber back to the barracks. And before I could order my ride, Sawyer asked casually if he could see my phone before I do because he left his back inside and he just remembered he needs to call his roommate to tell him he forgot his card key in his room. And because I am naive, I let him. It was too late when I noticed that he already had his own phone hidden in the pocket of his jeans.

But he won’t give me my phone back.

“Why do you keep calling Alvarez my boy?” I ask in exasperation.

I give up at this point. And decide to just sit down on the curb of the sidewalk.

Sawyer is almost as tall as me. Even in these heels. And he has strength on his side. I’m not athletic, so trying to pry the phone out of his hands is like a kindergartner trying to lift King Arthur’s sword. It is just not going to budge.

“Because that’s what he is,” Sawyer says.

“We’re not dating,” I inform Sawyer.

“I know,” Sawyer replies, which shocks me.

“None of that stuff he said about us dating is true either,” I continue, “Did you know that? I’ve never slept with him before. Ever.”

I know Bennett says it is pointless for a girl to tell guys that she didn’t sleep with another guy. But I can’t help it.

“I know that, too,” Sawyer says and I watch as he stomps out the rest of his cigarette.

I look at Sawyer in real shock this time.

“I’m the dude’s best friend,” He says as if that’s explanation enough, “I know everything”

I feel the anger spike in me again.

“Do you know he’s evil?” I ask.

Sawyer looks at me and laughs.

“Evil?” He asks.

“Yes,” I say, “He has it out for me”

“Nah, you got it all wrong,” Sawyer tells me.

“No, I don’t,” I say, “He turned everyone in our platoon against me. Remember in Basic? Do you remember how no one would talk to me? Remember how everyone called me a serial killer? That was all because of him. He’s evil”

Sawyer sighs.

“I’m not saying the things he does are right,” He tells me, “I’m just saying he has his reasons…and he’s not evil. Warped thinking? Yeah, maybe. But he’s a good guy”

“A good guy?” I ask, “How can you call someone a good guy who tells everyone that a girl is a slut”

Sawyer exhales again.

“Yeah, I told him not to do that. But he didn’t listen to me. He said it was the only way,” He says.

“The only way what?” I ask.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Sawyer answers me and he tilts his head up to look up at the stars, “Look at the fucking stars, man. It’s so pretty out”

“Why wouldn’t I understand ?” I ask him quietly even though he is trying to change the subject, but I look up too. He’s right. It is really pretty out. If this didn’t feel like one of the most confusing nights of my life, I would probably say so.

“You don’t understand how some men operate,” Sawyer says leisurely

We both keep looking at the stars as we talk.

“How much different can men be? You guys are human, right? Humans have feelings. Humans are supposed to have morals. Humans should also have empathy”

“Yeah, but humans also have jealousy. Envy. Pride. And that shit is worse for men.”

“You’re saying guys are more prone to negative emotions than girls?”

“No, I’m saying that guys feel all of it but don’t know how to handle it sometimes because the world tells them they shouldn’t feel any emotion at all. So you get some guys acting out in certain ways that might hurt the people they really care about”

“Some guys as in Alvarez?”

Sawyer looks down at me.

“Bingo. You’re a smart girl, Wilkins. I always liked that about you,” He says it like he’s known me forever.

“But you never talked to me before until now,” I remind him because we haven’t said more than one word to each other the entire time I’ve known Sawyer.

“Yes I have. I would talk to you in Basic and whenever I got to see you in AIT,” He says as if he’s trying to remember if I’m telling the truth or not.

“I mean, you would say hi to me. But you never talked to me,” I stress.

Sawyer laughs.

“I guess you’re right,” He admits.

“But,” I tell him, “I always knew that I liked you. Because when everyone else just made a decision to ostracize me and call me a serial killer…You were the only one who still acknowledged me and called me Wilkins”

“Was I?” He asks as if he truly doesn’t remember.

“Yeah,” I tell him, “But like I said, we never really had a conversation before until tonight”

“Shit, well maybe I feel like I talked to you so much because Alvarez talks about you all the time,” Sawyer laughs.

I look at him.

“He does not talk about me all the time,” I say because I don’t want to believe that.

I refuse to believe that.

“Yes he does. Man, the dude won’t shut up about you. He’s always going on about how smart you are, how you like to read. How you want to be a teacher when you get out of here and go to College. How you’re not like these other girls who are out here partying all the time. How you’re a good girl who’s a home body and likes to stay to herself. How nice you are. How you carry yourself. How your favorite color is yellow,” Sawyer continues and he counts his fingers as he lists all this stuff that only my mom would probably remember about me.

I stare at him, my mind is spinning and my heart is beating way too fast. How does Sawyer know all of that?

“See, I told you,” Sawyer says as if he can read my thoughts, “How else would I know all that unless I had to listen to it from Alvarez every single day?”

I blink. I remember telling Alvarez all of these things when we talked. But only because I thought I could trust him. At one point I thought he was like a friend. Until he turned out to be evil.

“I don’t want a guy like Alvarez,” I say suddenly to change the subject, “I want a guy who’s like you. You’re nice. You’re kind. You never would call me names like everyone else did”

Sawyer shakes his head no but not in a mean way. He shakes it like he’s been there and done that before.

“You don’t want a guy like me,” He says, “I’m too nice. You’re too nice. We’d be too nice to each other and probably wouldn’t even break up when the relationship ended. Those are the types of couples where the people sleep in the same bed and say everything is fine. Meanwhile, they are miserable as fuck on the inside”

He paints such a clear picture that even I have to agree with him. That’s exactly how it would be.

“You and I need people like Alvarez or one of those friends you got hanging around you. The ones who push you to speak your mind and take what you want out of life,” Sawyer continues, “Ain’t no growth with staying stagnant”

That last statement makes me think of Bennett and how she told me tonight that I need to live life to learn live. But look where living life got me tonight. Groped and confused.

“So, you’re saying I need to be with people where I can’t be myself?” I ask.

Before I can stop myself I whisper, “Sometimes I think that even though I am glad I made a new friend in my roommate Bennett, I feel like she is pushing me too much. Like she wants me to be someone I’m not.”

“That’s what you need at times. They say rainmake flowers bloom,” Sawyer comments and his voice sounds fatherly again but I don’t even think he is doing it on purpose because it feels so natural coming out of him. He just has one of those kinds of tones.

My heart warms and I really do wish that I had a dad that had been in my life. Or someone like Sawyer as an older brother at least.

I feel tears well up in my eyes again.

”Yeah…they do, don’t they? …Thanks,” I tell him reluctantly as I ponder that phrase over in my head.

“No problem,” He says as if he really does know how much that statement meant to me.

XXXXXXXXXX

We’re still sitting outside when I notice that our phones are going off in Sawyer’s pocket.

He takes out his phone but still refuses to give me mine.

“Hello?” He answers.

I watch as his expression changes.

”Fuck,” He says to the other end, “I knew it”

Sawyer hangs up and looks at me with a shake of his head.

“What?” I ask.

And he just answers simply: “Your boy”

XXXXXXXXXXX

I’ve never seen someone part a crowd of people so fast in my life. But that is exactly what Sawyer does. It is as if he is Moses and the red sea just moves for him.

We enter the club, which is still vibrating with music but no one is dancing. Instead it seems as if everyone is circling around one area or either running in the opposite direction.

I follow behind Sawyer. It is easy for me to keep up even though he is moving like he’s on a mission.

When we reach the commotion, people part ways for him again, but now it is like he’s Jesus coming to heal the sick.

The first thing I see when the crowd moves is…

Well, a fight.

I can’t make out everything, but it is obviously four people.

And before I even have time to think, Sawyer jumps in to be the fifth as if he’s a wrestler or something.

I cry out his name.

I’ve never been in a fight in my life or seen one this close before. At my little country bumpkin school we might have had a few scraps here and there. But not a full out brawl.

And someone I was just talking to and actually having a real, deep conversation with is in it now.

I watch as Sawyer grabs a guy who is obviously punching another person on the ground.

Sawyer pulls the guy up so swiftly and smoothly that you’d think he was the club’s bouncer.

He has two hands behind the guy’s elbows and head. And I realize that Sawyer isn’t joining the fight, but actually trying to break it up.

I also notice that someone else has come to do the same thing as Sawyer did in order to stop the other fight that is going on. But that person does look like he actually works for the club.

A lot of people have their cell phones out and are recording what is going on and some are even cheering and shouting. I feel like this is some kind of boxing match and I just got a ring side seat.

I stare in disbelief though as I realize one of the guys on the ground is bleeding. But even more so, I can’t believe who it is.

Lopez!

He sits up and I can see his eye is swollen and blood is dripping from his nose and all over his face.

My hand covers my mouth. His usually smiling disposition flashes through my mind in contrast to this beaten and battered one.

When I look over to the other fight, I see someone else I know.

Goodwin.

I can’t even process it as the same person because Goodwin looks pissed. His face is so angry, so livid that I can’t believe it is him.

That’s when I notice that Sawyer has let go of the guy he grabbed and he is talking to him. And I realize who that guy is, too.

It is none other than Alvarez.

My heart is beating in my chest. I feel like I’m about to pass out.

As if someone can sense it, a hand grabs me to steady me.

“Wilkins, come on!” It’s Bennett’s voice.

She pulls me back from all the commotion and nearly drags me towards the club’s exit outside into the fresh air. Then she looks around until there is a beep of a horn.

“Let’s go!” She says and tugs my arm as Raymond’s car pulls up.

We get in, but I immediately realize that Martinez is missing.

“Wait! Emily!” I shout at Raymond, “We can’t leave her!”

“She’s going to be ok,” Bennett tells me, “She has to stay behind anyway and talk to the cops about what happened.”

My head is spinning.

“Cops?” I say.

“Yeah,” Bennett says and she shakes her head. She is pissed.

“What happened inside there?” I ask “I saw Lopez and Goodwin and Alva-” but I can’t say the rest of his name.

Raymond drives and hits the highway as soon as she can.

“Girl, we were sitting down at the table and about to go looking for you, when all of a sudden someone comes up and tells Goodwin that Lopez is getting his ass beat by Alvarez! So, we all get up as Goodwin goes to help! Sure enough, Alvarez is beating Lopez’s ass, girl! Like I’ve never seen any shit like that in my life! I thought he was about to kill Lopez! So, of course Goodwin jumps in to try to pull Alvarez off of him, but then one of Alvarez’s boys got involved too, once they saw Goodwin trying to help Lopez! And before you know it….it wassome fucking world star shit!” Raymond sounds like she is screaming, but I know it is just because of the adrenaline.

“What’s going to happen to them?” I ask. I feel my body starting to shake again.

Cops being involved is bad. Especially since we are all soldiers.

“Nothing!” Raymond says, “Lopez and Goodwin didn’t do shit! Alvarez started that mess!”

“Yeah,” Bennett agrees with a snarl, “They were just defending themselves”

I suck in my breath. If Alvarez went back inside to attack Lopez…

“Man, I cannot stand that punk ass little bitch!” Bennett snaps and to my surprise she hits her first on Raymond’s dashboard.

“Well don’t take your anger out on my car, girl!” Raymond shouts, “You should have jumped in there and whipped his ass yourself!”

Bennett smacks her lips.

Then she turns to look at me.

“Where did you go?!” She asks me. And she sounds mad as hell.

I suddenly am feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt. It is just flooding over me like a wave.

“I-I went to get some fresh air,” I say.

“And you didn’t tell anybody?!” Bennett snaps and she’s yelling at me like she’s my mom and I forgot to call her when I got to my destination, “The last time Martinez saw you, she said you told her you were going to the bathroom! Then you never came back and when she went to check on you, you weren’t in there!”

“Yeah, we kept texting you but you didn’t answer, so we had to call you when all this shit went down,” Raymond chimes in but at least she’s not yelling anymore.

“Yeah, I was planning on texting you guys but,” I say guiltily but stop mid sentence.

My heart drops to my knees. My phone! Sawyer still has my phone! I just followed behind him inside the club without getting it back from him.

Bennett reads the look on my face. She knows something is wrong.

“What?!” She yells as if I need to tell her what I am thinking before she loses it.

But I can’t tell her that I went to the bathroom crying because Lopez kept touching on me.

Or that when I went outside, I spoke to Alvarez even though she told me to just ignore him.

And I definitely can’t tell her that Alvarez kissed me and that I liked it. Or that maybe I even wanted more.

And I sure as hell can’t tell her that Alvarez attacked Lopez tonight because of me.

Lastly, I know I shouldn’t tell her that my cell happens to be in the possession of one of Alvarez’s friends.

So instead I say, “I think I dropped my phone.”

XXXXXXXXXXX

I can’t sleep all night.

Instead I keep thinking about Martinez. About Goodwin. About Lopez.

Even though I am mad at Lopez for trying to feel on me, I didn’t want Alvarez to go beat him up.

I don’t have my phone.

So, I can’t text Martinez and ask her if she is ok. Or if Goodwin and Lopez are in trouble or not.

This is all because of me.

I think about going to Martinez’s barrack room. But I don’t do it because I am spooked that SSG McDonald might see me since he is still on CQ tonight. And I really can’t take anymore men trying to fondle or touch me at the moment. I even have a chair pushed against my door in case he decides to use the master key to pay me a visit like he did to Martinez.

I also don’t leave my room, because I don’t know if Martinez will even be there. I can’t imagine what happened after we left the club. The cops were obviously called but was LT called? 1SG? Are they there at the station with everyone else? Are they even at a police station?

I don’t know how these things work. And with all the movies and tv shows or books I have read, nothing prepares you for this when it happens in real life.

I close my eyes but I keep tossing and turning.

Alvarez likes me?

This thought randomly pops into my head.

That’s what he said to me tonight, didn’t he?

Something along the lines of “I really like you, Wilkins.”

Right?

Why didn’t I ask him if he likes me so much, why does he act like he doesn’t sometimes?

Why does he tell everyone that I am a slut or that I am a weird, serial killer?

Why is he hell bent on making my life suck?

And what did Sawyer mean anyway when he was telling me all that stuff about Alvarez tonight?

Sawyer said that I wouldn’t understand.

That sometimes men do stuff that women can’t comprehend.

I sit up and slowly go to my computer desk. I open the laptop I bought myself with one of my first Army checks and log on to Facebook.

I know my mom might not be up, but I have to talk to someone.

I open the Messenger app and hit call.

It rings for a long time. And I am almost about to just shut the laptop down again. But then my mom picks up.

“Hello?” She asks groggily.

I can’t see her face. It is pitch black where she is in her bed.

“Mommy?” I ask.

“Majesty?” She answers, “What’s wrong, baby? Are you ok? Nothing’s happening is it?”

She sounds alarmed.

“No,” I assure her, “I’m fine. Everything’s ok. It’s just…I just wanted to tell you that I miss talking to you”

My mom chuckles.

“I miss talking to you, too baby. You know I do,” She says.

“Yeah, I’m sorry I haven’t been calling you lately,” I say.

My mom sighs.

“It’s okay. I thought that maybe you were finally fitting in and you didn’t have time to call me as much as you used to before,” She says, “I thought maybe you had finally found some friends there”

I start sniffling.

“Majesty,” My mom sits up and she turns on her lamp light. I can finally see her face.

“What’s wrong, honey?” She asks me.

“I…I just…I don’t think I know what I’m doing here anymore,” I tell her.

My mom takes a deep breath.

“Baby, it’s ok,” She tells me, “You can put in for leave, come and visit. And when you feel homesick…you can call me. I’ll always answer. No matter what time it is''

I smile through some of my tears.

“I know,” I whisper.

She gives me a warm smile that only a mother can.

“You sure you’re ok?” She asks me.

I nod my head.

“Yes,” I lie to her.

“I just want you to remember that this is as hard for me as it is for you. I miss you every day. I’m always wondering if you’re doing ok. I wonder how those people in the Army are treating you. But I also know that I have to let you out of the nest. Sometimes I think I sheltered you too much. I didn’t let you express yourself enough. I wonder if you’ve finally found your voice,” She says.

Wow.

My mom has never talked like this to me before.

The part where said she wonders if I’ve finally found my voice…I feel myself wondering that exact same thing.

“But that’s the point of life,” She continues, “You gotta keep trying. Keep searching. Keep going, ok?”

I nod my head.

I will.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

I wake up the next morning in the afternoon.

Thankfully it is still the weekend, because I forgot to set any alarms last night and would have missed PT if someone didn’t wake me.

When I exit my room, I see Bennet’s door to our shared hallway is open. I timidly peek inside. And to my shock I see her standing at her front door talking to Sawyer of all people.

I duck and hide against the wall.

“I don’t like this,” I hear Bennett snap as if she’s ready to go off.

“I know, but you gotta understand that he’s a good guy,” Sawyer answers, “He’s got a good heart”

“But he doesn’t have to do all of that,” Bennett retorts.

I realize that they are talking about Alvarez.

“I know, I know. But he doesn’t know how else to get his way. You don’t know how he grew up. He had a tough start”

“What are you, like his boyfriend or something?”

“Nah”

“His mama?”

“Nah”

“His brother?”

I hear Sawyer laugh.

“Nah”

“What are you then?”

“I’m more than all that. I’m his best friend”

I hear Bennett smack her lips.

“You got to stop trying to change Wilkins. She’s a good girl. I don’t like how he said she’s been acting the past few months,” Sawyer says and I nearly gasp that he has the audacity to tell Bennett that. I guiltily wonder if it also has something to do with what I told him last night, too.

“Who the fuck are you to tell me what I should do?! Wilkins is one of my best friends! All that shit you just said you are to that ain’t shit asshole, I’m that to her! And I could give a fuck less what he thinks or wants!” Bennett snaps.

“I understand that, but you don’t know how hurt he’s been. You said Wilkins is your best friend? So, you know how deep that shit runs. Imagine your best friend coming to you, telling you as a man that he thinks he’s depressed because the girl he likes won’t even look at him any more. I didn’t even know he knew what the word depressed is until then, because this is one of the strongest motherfuckers I’ve ever met in my life.

But imagine your best friend telling you that nothing even matters to him anymore. Not his goals. Not his health. Not even his fucking life.

You know how deep that shit is?

I’m thinking if I should I report this man to his fucking 1SG and have him put in a clinic and they possibly take his whole career away from him for that shit or do I just sit with him and hope to god he doesn't kill himself when I leave?” Sawyer says.

My heart is literally about to jump out of my chest as I listen to that.

Alvarez is that hurt because I won’t talk to him anymore?

I begin to feel bad and ashamed at myself for treating him the way I have been.

“Well if he wanted to be with her he would have manned up and asked her out instead of doing all this round the way shit! You don’t know how hurt she’s been! You didn’t see how she cried when I told her all the things he’s made up about her!” Bennett’s response reminds me that maybe Alvarez deserves it.

“I understand that too, but you’re still not seeing the situation,” Sawyer continues to bat for Alvarez even though at this point it feels like Bennett is winning the conversation.

“What is there to understand?! It’s either you like a girl, you ask her out and that’s it! You don’t do all this crazy ass shit!” Bennett has a point.

“Look, if I were to approach a girl like you, what would you do?” Sawyer says suddenly and it sounds like he is trying to change the subject.

I know the answer to this question automatically before Bennett even says anything. Bennett only dates black guys. She won’t even give any other man of a different race a chance. I remember we were walking from the Defac one day and a really handsome Asian guy approached her, and she just told him point blank that he’s not her type.

She says it has nothing to do with racism. But that she just knows the type of man she wants. The dark skin, strong black men like how her dad is.

“Nigga, what does this have to do with anything?!” Bennett growls and I silently agree.

“I’m trying to paint the picture in a way you’d understand. If I, a white boy from bumfuck cracker ass Maryland, were to approach a girl like you, what would you do?” Sawyer continues.

I wait for a response, but Bennett doesn’t say anything.

“Exactly, you’d turn me down before I even get to open my mouth. So, imagine him right? He sees this beautiful dark skin black girl and he’s not thinking he’s supposed to talk to her because he’s not even supposed to be attracted to her,” Sawyer says.

“Don’t put race into this!” Bennett snaps.

“No, I have to. It’s real shit. Anti-blackness and colorism exists everywhere, in every culture. And it is what it is. All we can do is try to change that shit, but we can’t fix it if we ignore the issue,” Sawyer has a good point and I secretly wonder if he might be mixed or something. It sounds like he understands the topic more than Bennett does. Maybe he has a black great grandparent or something.

I think Bennett doesn’t see it like that though because she’s lighter skin, but growing up I was always automatically made to feel ugly because I was darker than everyone else. No one said it out right, but I kind of caught on to what was not said. I remember whenever I would come around, my family would just comment how tall I was going to be and that I might have a career in basketball. But my biracial female cousins who were lighter than me, always got told how pretty they were going to grow up to be and how many boys' hearts they were going to break.

“I don’t need an education on black issues from a white man!” Bennett snaps to stop him.

Sawyer laughs because she is right.

“Fair enough,” He says, “But in Basic I remember when he came to me when he first met her. I'm talking immediately after we finish getting assigned to our Drill Sergeants and she’s put in our platoon. And he says, ‘I think I might like that girl over there’. And I’m thinking he’s talking about some bad latina or some fine ass white chick or something. But then he points to Wilkins and I’m like, ‘Ok. That’s new’. Because I know how some dudes can be when it comes to dark skin girls. But I tell him, ‘Well, go talk to her’.

And he tells me he already did. And I’m thinking in my head, wow this dude works fast and that eventually he’s going to ask her out. Cool shit, right? Well, time passes and I see him talking to her more and more. She’s kind of quiet but she’s mad sweet. And some of the other dudes start to notice how bad she is. They start talking about how they want to talk to her, too. And you know how dudes are, locker room shit. C starts to get antsy. And I tell him he better make his move before someone else does.

I’m just thinking he’s going to ask her out or tell her he likes or something. But then one day he says he’s got a plan. And I’m like, ‘A plan? You don’t need a plan? It’s not that deep’. But he tells me he’s going to make sure no one else talks to her. And I’m like, ‘Well how are you going to do that? Fight every guy that approaches her?’, because I’m thinking he has to be joking. But he says no. He says he’s going to work it out.

Now mind you, this dude is always coming up with some kind of crazy scheme or something. And I ain’t never think much of it. I mean, I met him when we got off the bus at Basic. We immediately clicked.

And I picked up on the fact that he’s a real driven guy. I mean yeah, I felt that he has some shady car salesman type vibes, but I also saw him as a businessman if you will. And I thought, well fuck…I mean, those aren’t always the best types of people either. You don’t see no one giving the noble peace prize to the the fucking CEO of Mickey Ds but that motherfucker is still rich as shit.

So, I put those doubts aside. And I thought to myself that I should stick beside him. See what the hell he got planned to come up and maybe he’ll take me up with him. I ain’t never been no real driven guy, so I felt like I needed someone to motivate me.

But I realize that he kind of has issues. And that he needs someone to try and be his voice of reason. Because this isn’t the only plan that I told him I wasn’t down for. And I told him that if he really wanted to be with Wilkins, then he was going about it the wrong way.

But C is C. He doesn't listen.

He’s going to do what he wants to do. So, he starts getting everyone in the platoon to think she’s weird and abnormal or some shit. And because she’s quiet and he’s the only one who really talked to her, they believe him. There was really nothing I could do to be honest.

And the craziest thing is, his plan worked. The guys stopped listing Wilkins as one of the baddest females in our battalion and the girls all start to think she’s socially inept.

And that shit really opened my eyes to how we humans are like fucking sheeps. Because if a million people tell you the sky is blue, even though you think that shit looks green…how many of us are strong enough to actually go against the consensus?

But shit, I’ll admit it. I’m a bitch. Because even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn’t say shit.

To be honest, I’m kind of scared of the motherfucker. I ain’t never seen nobody manipulate close to 400 people against one like that. I mean, our whole battalion started ostracizing her. And I got to a point where I thought, ‘Man, if he can get all these people against her…what can he do to me?’

In a twisted way, though it made me respect him more. Because when he sees something he wants, he really goes for that shit. The dude’s going to be the next Army General or President or something. He got greatness just in his blood, but he just uses that shit in the wrong way sometimes.

Like I said, he’s a good guy. Just a little fucked up. But we all are,” Sawyer finishes.

I can’t believe Sawyer could still stand up for Alvarez even after he admits all of that.

XXXXXXXXXX

I realize that I’ve been eavesdropping for so long that my bladder is about to burst. I quietly go to the bathroom like I intended and close the door.

As I sit down on the toilet, I realize Sawyer just admitted that Alvarez is evil. Yet he keeps trying to paint him as this good guy deep inside.

I mean, I think I see it when we’re alone.

When Alvarez talks to me by myself.

But any time I open up to him, it backfires.

I remember once in Basic he asked me what kind of music I liked to listen to, and I told him that I don’t really have a favorite genre but I grew up with R&B. Well, one day a guy from another platoon starts talking to some people from ours. He sees me sitting by myself on the bleachers and asks who I am and why am I so quiet. And I hear Alvarez tell him that I’m kind of weird and that one time he asked me if I listen to music and I said, “What’s music?”. Everyone burst out laughing and automatically believed him. And I remember I felt so bad that I wanted to cry.

And that was when I decided to not open up to anyone else.

I stopped talking. Alvarez is one of the reasons why I hid my voice again.

I finish peeing, wipe myself, and get off the toilet to flush.

When I come out of the bathroom to wash my hands, I see Bennett standing in the mirror’s reflection, waiting for me with my phone in her possession.

“Good afternoon,” She says as she folds her arms.

I quickly wash my hands and turn around to face her.

I smile sheepishly.

“Someone came and dropped this off for you,” She says as she strides toward me.

And I know by her face that she knows everything. Or at least most of it.

“Yeah,” I say, “I kind of heard you talking to him. Sawyer, I mean”

Bennett smirks.

“Was that his name? God, that sounds like such a white boy name already. I wonder what his first name is?” She hands me my phone.

I take it and glance down at it.

“Did he tell you anything about what happened to the guys?” I’m being vague at that last part and Bennett knows it.

“Yeah,” She says, “1SG got them out of trouble…..and Alvarez is banned from going to that club. So, we won’t be seeing him on our nights out again. And he’s getting his rank removed”

My eyes widened.

“What?” I say.

Bennett nods her head.

“He’s going back to PV2”

“Wow,” I whisper, “I can’t imagine how he feels”

Bennett looks at me at that last line.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Lopez getting handsy with you last night?” She accuses me.

I bite my lip before I answer.

“Because I didn’t want you to think this whole thing was my fault,” I admit.

Bennett sighs.

“Did Sawyer tell you about that too?” I ask.

“No, Martinez told me,” She says.

And I glance at my phone.

“Emily!” I say because I haven’t even texted her or called her yet to check on her.

“It’s ok, she came by while you were asleep. She wanted me to tell you not to worry about her,” Bennett says.

“Good,” I whisper.

“So, what happened with Alvarez?” Bennett pushes and I know I’m still under interrogation.

I fiddle with my phone.

“He kissed me. Well, I mean I let him kiss me but afterwards I told him not to anymore,” I say finally.

Bennett rubs her temples.

“Wilkins,” She says like I am the dumbest person in the world and maybe she’s right, “I told you not to even talk to him! Now you let this motherfucker kiss you! Why would you let him kiss you?!”

“I didn’t really let him!” I cry in my defense like I am on trial pleading for her not to give me the death penatly even though I know I’m guilty, “It just happened! Like in the movies where the guy grabs the girl before she can stop him!”

“Wilkins this is not a movie! This guy is beyond twisted!” Bennett screams and she claps her hands in my face to emphasize her point.

“I know! That’s why I told him that he couldn’t kiss me again!” I don’t add that the exact words I said to him were “without my permission”. She also doesn’t need to know that I kind of liked the kiss, either.

“What else did you tell him?!” Bennett asks through gritted teeth. I know she’s done with me at this point.

I look down at the floor.

“I told Alvarez about Lopez,” I finally admit, “And I think that’s why he got into a fight with him”

“No, that’s exactly why!” She corrects me and screams, “And this is why I told you not to even look at that snake! He has serious mental problems!”

I fiddle with my phone again.

Bennett sighs.

“I should have stayed by your side the entire night,” She says but her voice is more disappointed in herself than angry at me anymore, “I keep forgetting you’re not experienced. Even though you look like you should know…”

“Well, I have to live life to learn life,” I say and look at her hoping that this line will save me and get me off the hook for the crime I actually did committ.

Bennett looks at me and bursts out laughing.

“That’s what you said,” I add.

“Yeah, I guess I did,” She says amusingly.

XXXXXXXXXX

I spend the rest of the day dreading PT in the morning. I wish I wasn’t in the Army and I could just hit snooze. But if I don’t show up they will think I’m either AWOL or dead.

I called Martinez and we talked. She told me that she saw Lopez was being really handsy with me that night, and she wanted to say something but Goodwin told her that I could handle myself and that she shouldn’t get involved.

“I shouldn’t have listened to him,” She said, “I knew I should have told Lopez to leave you alone. And then when you got up from the table, I was going to follow you but Goodwin said I was overthinking things. And when Lopez came back he said that you told him you really were alright. God, I knew I shouldn’t have listened to those two. Majesty, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok Emily,” I had assured her, “Goodwin was right, though. I should be able to handle myself. It’s not your job to speak up for me”

We had talked for a little while longer about how everything went down last night. But soon I realized I better try and get some sleep before I wake up in the afternoon again.

In the morning I tell myself that it is just any other day. I put on my PTs and meet Bennett outside of my door.

We walk quietly today, however. Raymond and Martinez meet us and all we can do is offer a weak “Good Morning” to one another.

But things shift once some of the other girls join us. They want to know everything. Some of them were there at the same club that night and they saw what happened. But they want to know why it happened and how it really went down.

I don’t have the heart to step up and admit that it was all because of me. And for Bennett, Raymond, and Martinez’s part, they somehow manage to keep my name out of it. But from the side glances I keep getting when we get to formation and the whispered looks, I think everyone in our unit has speculated or put two and two together.

I feel like a pariah all over again.

When Martinez and I get to our squad, I don’t see Lopez or Goodwin there. My heart drops.

“Don’t worry,” Martinez whispers to me as if she can tell what I am thinking, “They’re on their way”

“Wilkins!”

I look and see that SSG McDonald is calling me. Martinez and I share a look. But I know I have to go. So, I step out of formation and follow him to the side apart from everyone else.

I stand at parade rest in front of him. But he doesn’t speak for a long time. Instead he just stares at me.

Finally he lets out a low chuckle.

“I knew you were going to get into trouble that night. I knew it the moment I saw you in that yellow dress,” He finally says.

I begin to feel uncomfortable.

“You used to be a good girl,” He says slowly, “Hanging out with that light skin isn’t good for you”

“I-I don’t know what you mean SSG,” I stutter.

He looks me up and down. Just like that night.

“I just mean guys are starting to notice you a lot more now,” He says, “and you don’t want to build a even worse reputation for yourself”

I blink a few times. Is he really saying all this to me?

“Whatever you and Alvarez have going on is over, right?” He asks me suddenly.

But I don’t know how to answer him.

However, somehow he takes my silence as one.

“Good,” He says, “I don’t like seeing sistas as fine as you with those latin boys. They can be possessive.”

He chuckles.

“All that fucking machismo but with the smallest dicks,” He continues.

Then he looks me dead in the eyes,“But I’m sure you know that already”

At this point I’m ready to bolt. Why is he talking to me about dicks!

“How old are you Wilkins? You can’t be more than eighteen,” He probes.

“I-I’m nineteen SSG,” I say.

He nods his head.

“A girl as young as you with a reputation,” He shakes his head slowly, “Such a shame.”

But before the conversation can get any weirder, 1SG and LT arrive. So, he releases me back to formation.

As I go back in line, I can see Goodwin and Lopez have shown up just like Martinez said they would. But when I try to meet Lopez’s gaze, he doesn’t look at me. Instead he stands at attention. But even I can’t miss the big black and purple swole of his left eye.

When I get back beside Martinez, she sends me a look that says, “What did SSG McDonald say?”

And all I can do is shake my head.

But formation is starting, so I get into attention.

1SG is pissed.

He starts formation right off the bat with what took place over the weekend.

Then, to all of our surprise, he calls Alavarez to the front of the unit.

I am shocked to see Alvarez not dressed in PTs, but in a uniform.

Now, it is weird because I know Alvarez’s uniform. He usually wears the kind that has his rank and name plates stitched and tailored just right. Sometimes he will come up to me and fix my velcro name plates and he always comments that I should get them like his. But I’m not really that concerned about my uniform like he is.

He is always proud of being in the Army. Especially when he got promoted early to PFC. But this uniform he’s wearing right now is dingy and has velcro name plates. Like he just found it out of the trash.

I even notice his PC isn’t perfect or molded nicely too. And his rank isn’t stitched put just a pin. He always fixes my PC as well and adjust my rank for me and tells me that I need to wear it a certain way. But here he is with the most folded in, mushed PC I’ve seen in my life.

It dawns on me.

Alvarez looks like a shit bag soldier.

I can’t make out his eyes because of his PC, but from the look of his face he seems emotionless.

1SG goes on and talks about how we should behave and how we shouldn’t behave. Then, he does the unthinkable.

He rips Alvarez’s rank off of his chest and takes off Alvarez’s PC to unpin the rank there, too.

I wonder in my head if LT and 1SG purposefully made Alvarez dress like this. To make him feel even worse about himself. My heart is beating really fast and even though we are supposed to be standing at attention, I do the unthinkable and crane my head to look down at Martinez.

She stares straight ahead. Her expression looks like a mix of pity but also indifference.

I lean forward a little bit to see if I can see Lopez. His face looks angry.

I go back to attention.

1SG keeps talking about how we are a team and need to treat one another like one. But in my head I keep thinking when is he is going to give Alvarez his PV2 rank at least. Bennett said he was only going to move down one rank.

Alvarez is motionless. Like a statue.

I can’t help but look at his fuzzy, blank chest and plain PC. He’s never not had rank. Even when we were at Basic he already had PV2.

Suddenly I am reminded of one of our first days after being assigned to our battalion and Drill Instructors. We were getting distributed gear and after that we were told to stuff everything in our new duffel bag and hurry it up out the door.

Well, I was struggling because I couldn’t figure out how to put all this new gear into one bag where it would zip. Then I remember someone dropped down in front of me. The first thing I saw was the PV2 rank on the chest. And then I saw hands reaching out to fix everything for me.

And then I met his eyes. Alavarez for the first time. Dark brown eyes, warm, and friendly.

He helped me get my bag to close and zipped it up. Then he showed me how to wear it like his and adjusted my bag on my back so that I could carry it back to the battalion. He moved so fast and efficiently. Like he was born on a battlefield or something. I remember thinking I wanted to be like him. That I needed to be like him if I was going to make it through Basic.

And above all, I remember thinking that he was a good guy.

Sawyer’s words come back to me. Maybe there is a good guy inside of Alvarez somewhere.

I look at Alvarez’s eyes again. And to my surprise he seems to be staring directly at me.

My heart beat races. And my hands begin to sweat at my sides even though they are closed into fists. But it isn’t because I want to run away like when I was talking to SSG McDonald. No. This feeling is scary, but not in a bad way.

“If you’re arguing over some girl, then let me tell you men that there are plenty of other fish in the sea”

1SG’s voice comes back to me and I realize that he is still talking.

“The Army may be small, and there’s not a lot of female to male soldiers, but I assure you boys that you can go off base and find you a woman! Or a man for all I care! You don’t need to beat each other up over someone”

Oh no, I think. 1SG knows everything.

I silently pray in my head that this doesn’t change my life in a horrible way.

1SG goes on for a little while longer. But finally he stops, looks at Alvarez, and dismisses him. I watch as Alvarez falls back into formation.

He didn’t get a rank.

He’s rankless.

Even I’m higher ranking than him now.

1SG is ready to start PT. But I can’t help but notice as we get into position that LT goes over to Alvarez and tells him something. He salutes her and she gives him a pat on his shoulder. Then I watch as he leaves formation.

We do our normal warm up exercises before we get in formation to run.

As we get ready to go, I see a lot of people giving me even more looks and whispers at me. Martinez touches my hand. She notices it, too.

We walk over to start lining up for our run and I go past Lopez, but he won’t acknowledge my presence. I don’t know what to say to him. So, I just try my best to give him his space.

XXXXXXXXX

For the next five days, Alvarez is forced to go to morning formation in his uniform and then he leaves right after. And it is always the same dingy one that he wore when 1SG took his rank. Any time I see him he is in that uniform.

On my way back from work one day, I saw him cutting the grass near the barracks. But when I got closer to where he was, he looked away from me. He didn’t say anything.

And I didn’t know what to say. So, I kept walking. But Alvarez isn’t the only one who has stopped talking to me. Lopez has too. Formation has been really quiet ever since the fight that night.

Martinez and I talk to one another. But Lopez and Goodwin show up right before formation is about to start. Almost as if they are doing it on purpose. And I have a feeling that Lopez is.

One day it hit me that I no longer have any more problems. Or drama. If Alvarez isn’t talking to me, then I no longer have to worry about him. And if Lopez isn’t flirting with me, then I no longer have to worry about him trying to grope me.

And honestly, it feels good to no longer have to worry about boys. Or what they are doing in my life and how they affect me.

I tell Martinez this and she just laughs.

“I mean, I thought that way too when I wasn’t dating,” She says.

I ended up just telling her everything eventually. About how Alvarez kissed me. Talking to Sawyer. Getting my phone back. She knows it all. Even the confusing feelings my body was going through.

“But I realized that I was actually ready to take everything that comes with trying,” She continues, “I mean, I felt like Goodwin was annoying when he first started showing me attention”

I can’t imagine that. Not with how in love she is with Goodwin now.

“I wasn’t ready to date and I just didn’t even have that on my mind,” Martinez explains, “But eventually I realized that he is a great guy. And that I actually like him and am attracted to him as well”

I look down at my hands. We are done with our work, so we are just sitting at our shared desk.

“How did you know, though? Do you just go off of what your body is feeling? Because if that is the case then maybe I should have just slept with Alvarez that night,” I say.

Martinez laughs.

“No, I mean. Attraction is a big part of dating a guy. But you have to like him as a person, too. And hopefully, fall in love with him,” Martinez says, “If I were you, I would start off with going on some dates with guys that you think are cute. I mean, you can be attracted to a guy but then find out you don’t really like him as a person. So, that will turn you off. Or vice versa”

I think about that.

Am I attracted to Alvarez?

But more importantly…

Do I even like Alvarez as a person?

There are parts of Alvarez that I like. The nice parts that he shows me when we are alone and talking. But then there are parts of him that I can’t stand. Which usually shows up and seems to be the more dominant part of him.

“Emily, can I ask you something?”

Martinez nods her head.

“Of course!” She says.

I hesitate, but I might as well go ahead since this has been bothering me since Alvarez said it.

“Do Cubans hate Mexicans?”

Martinez bursts out laughing.

“Everyone hates everyone in the hispanic community,” She tells me, “If you’re Dominican, you’re better than the Puerto Ricans. If you’re Puerto Rican, you’re better than the Dominicans. It’s just a cultural pride thing”

I shake my head. I guess I get that. I mean, even Raymond admitted to me that she usually can’t stand African Americans and that I am the coolest one she’s met, even though she’s Haitian American. And at the end of the day we are both black.

“Why did you ask that? You think Alvarez beat up Lopez because he’s Mexican too?” Martinez asks me.

I shake my head.

“No, I mean. Maybe that was part of the reason, as well. Because when Trump announced he was running, Alvarez was really excited about the fact that he wants to build a wall,” I told her.

“Wow, Alvarez told you that?” She says, “I guess he really does like you”

“Why do you say that?” I ask.

“Because,” Martinez says, “That’s a really personal view. I don't even talk to Goodwin about politics. We haven’t gone that far yet.”

I think about it. I guess Alvarez is always telling me his ideas and feelings. But I just thought that was natural. That he shared it with everyone.

I remember the day he told me, too. It was right after we all got our scores for the PT test. He’d asked me if I managed to pass and I told him that I did. Then he told me that he and Lopez tied for the highest score in the unit.

And Alvarez said, “I can’t wait for Trump to build that wall so those Mexicans can’t come over here anymore.”

“I think he only said that because Lopez and him tied for the highest PT score,” I observed suddenly and spoke my thoughts out loud to Martinez, “I don't think he really hates all Mexicans. Maybe he just wishes Trump will build the wall so that guys like Lopez aren’t around to give him more competition”

Martinez laughs.

“Yep, that’s the basis of the wall in the first place,” She admits.

XXXXXXXXXXX

When the weekend rolls around, Bennett doesn’t even mention anything about going out with her. Instead she just leaves me be. Which I’m thankful for.

She tells me she’s heading out though. And I tell her to be safe.

She leaves a little while later and I settle in my bed to play one of my comfort movies: Pride and Prejudice.

I love all the versions and the book. But my favorite one to watch over and over again is the 2005 film with Kiera Knightley.

This time around I actually relate to a lot of the confused signals Mr. Darcy shows Lizzie in the beginning of the film. Growing up, I used to yell at the screen and try to tell Elizabeth that Darcy was in love with her the whole time.

“She can’t hear you,” My mother would laugh.

But that didn’t stop me. Why couldn’t she see it? It was so obvious to me! And in this particular version, the actors act and it is written in such a way that Darcy’s infatuation with Lizzie starts the moment he sees her at the party. He’s just too socially awkward and introverted to make a move.

However, through this watch it's not Elizabeth I am mad at this time. Instead, I find myself mentally yelling at Darcy.

Why can’t he just say that he likes her?

Why doesn’t he just dance with her?

Why does he decide to orchestrate a way to break up her sister and his best friend? Doesn’t he know that it would hurt her?

I’m so frustrated with him that I’m starting to rethink why I ever liked Mr. Darcy to begin with. How things change when you grow older and wiser.

The film is just getting to the good part. Where Darcy starts to mend his ways and fix the way he interacts with Elizabeth when I’m suddenly interrupted by a knock on my door.

I look down at my phone.

Raymond is out with Bennett. And Martinez told me she and Goodwin were going away for the weekend to destress from all the drama that happened over the last.

So, I’m not expecting anyone and sure enough when I check, no one has texted me to tell me that they were coming.

My heart drops to my stomach when I notice the time.

11PM.

My mind goes back to Martinez’s story about what happened to her one night at this time.

SSG McDonald doesn’t have a CQ. But what if he decided to pay me a visit anyway?

I put the TV on pause and shakily turn off my lamp light. Maybe whoever it is will go away if they think I am asleep.

The knock comes again.

My heart is beating so fast. I glance down at my phone. If I send a SOS to Bennett, hopefully she and Raymond can get here before anything happens.

But then I hear a voice at the door.

“Wilkins, it’s me”

I sit up. That sounds a lot like…

I go over to my peep hole and sure enough it is him.

I crack open the door.

“What are you doing here?”

Alvarez.

He’s still in that same dingy looking uniform and PC. He doesn’t look like himself. At all.

He stares at me before he quietly says.

“I just wanted to see you”

I open the door and step outside. Thankfully I’m wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. But I didn’t put on any undergarments. And I don’t need him staring at my nipples. So, I fold my arms across my chest.

“You could have texted me,” I say. He does have my number. He’s had it since AIT when we all got our phones back and the phone roster for CQ came out in case of a recall.

“I know,” He says, “I just didn’t think you would respond”

He has a point there. I thought about texting him a few times. I wanted to tell him that even though he’s done some evil stuff to me, I still feel bad that he got his rank taken away because I know how much it means to him. Like I said before, Alvarez is a high speed soldier. He really wants to make a career out of the Army. He’s not like me. Not at all.

“I didn’t ask you to go and punch Lopez in the face,” I say suddenly.

Alvarez looks away.

“I thought he hurt you,” He says, “I told him to leave you alone in the first place and then he goes and touches you and…”

“I didn’t ask you to tell him to leave me alone either!” I interject.

Alvarez doesn’t say anything.

“You’re not my boyfriend, Christopher. In fact, I didn’t even know you liked me until that night. You never said it before!” I shout at him.

Alvarez rubs the back of his neck.

I’ve never seen him look so antsy before.

“I guess I just figured you wouldn’t talk to other guys if I was the only one you could talk to,” He says quietly.

That logic is twisted.

“But why would I even want to talk to other guys if you and I are dating?” I ask him.

He raises his eyebrows.

“You would actually have said yes if I asked you out?” He asked me.

Now it is my turn to look antsy.

“I don’t know, Alvarez,” I say as I look down at the ground and tap my foot, “You seem like a nice guy sometimes. But there’s this whole other part of you that kind of scares me”

Alvarez makes sure to catch my gaze.

“I am that guy,” He says, “I swear. I just don’t know how to get a girl as beautiful as you. I was scared you’d take one look at me and run the other way. I didn’t know if being with you was even a possibility”

My heart is beating really fast right now.

Beautiful?

“Alvarez, you’re not ugly,” I say as I look down at the ground again.

I can’t believe I just admitted that.

Well. I already said it. Might as well say the rest.

“I actually thought you were really handsome the first time I met you,” I continued.

I bite my lip.

“I like your hands,” I tell him, “They’re the first thing I noticed about you. And your eyes”

Oh god.

I feel like I’m about to die of embarrassment.

We are both silent for a long time. And I just stand there staring at the ground and tapping my foot. Actually, it’s more like shaking my foot, because I am trembling.

“Can I kiss you?”

I look up at Alvarez and realize that he no longer looks antsy. Instead he looks really serious and intense. His dark eyes are kind of glazed over and I feel kind of scared. But not in a bad way.

“Um,” I look around to see who’s outside watching us. These barracks are always buzzing with people. Even late at night. And I don’t want anyone to see us kissing in the front of my room.

“Come inside,” I tell Alvarez and I pull him by the arm. He steps in and as I shut the door behind us I wonder if it was a smart idea to do this.

When I turn around though, he presses up against me. My back hits the door and his hands are on both sides of my head, steadying me and sort of also locking me into place. He looks me dead in the eyes. His face is literally inches from mine.

“Can I kiss you?” He asks me again.

I don’t really know if I have a choice to say no with his breath on my lips already. But in my heart I know he’ll back off if I tell him to.

What should I answer?

The buzzing starts and I know what I want to say.

“Y-,” I can’t even finish before he pushes his face against mine.

I instinctively grip behind his shoulders, touching his back muscles through the thick fabric of his uniform. My eyes close and I can feel his hands moving up and down my body. Rubbing my waist and my ass through my sweatpants. This definitely doesn’t feel like how I felt when Lopez was touching me.

Alvarez's tongue is in my mouth. The first time for me. But it doesn’t feel weird or nasty. Instead I want to swallow it down my throat if I can.

I can also feel something pressing up in between us. I felt the same that night outside the club.

We go on kissing like that for what feels like forever. Until I break away because I need to breathe. And my breathing is so labored I feel like I’m having an asthma attack. But I notice Alvarez seems to be controlling his breathing better than mine. Damn PT stud.

He’s still holding on to my waist and I’m still holding onto his back. He watches me catch my breath. And then he does something really sweet.

He kisses me on my forehead.

It reminds me of what my mom or grandma would do when I was a little girl and they were tucking me into bed at night. But this feels more intimate.

I look down at the ground in embarrassment.

“Are we moving too fast?” Alvarez asks, “We can slow down if you want to”

I bring my hands and rest them on his chest. Then I look up at him.

“Yeah…,” I admit, “...a little”

I feel guilty telling him that, because even though I l feel like I need to put a end to this and fast….the buzzing between my legs and the press of my nipples underneath the fabric of my t-shirt say otherwise.

“I’m not really that kind of girl,” I say.

Alvarez kisses my forehead again. And I don’t know why, but I rest my head on his shoulder. He puts his chin on top of my hair and locks his hands around my waist. We stand like that for a long time. Just in this weird hug.

I never really had a dad or a grandpa. My dad didn’t want me to begin with, so he wasn’t in my life. My grandpa died before I was born. And I don’t have any brothers. Though I do have uncles and boy cousins, my mom was always worried that one of them might molest me. Like how Lopez almost did that night. So, my mom told me not to let them rub up on me just in case. I wasn’t even allowed to sit in a man’s lap and if they tried to hug me for too long, my mom told me to come and get her.

So, it dawns on me that this is the first time I’ve ever been held by a man.

And damn…

It feels good.

I feel like he is never going to let anything bad happen to me. I feel safe. I feel warm. I feel loved.

“Alvarez?” I ask suddenly.

I lift my head off of his shoulder to look at him.

“Are you going to ask to be my boyfriend now?”

He looks nervous when I say that.

I pull back from him. But he still holds on to my waist.

Why does he look like that?

“I don’t know…” He starts to say.

He doesn’t know?

Then what was all of this?

Why did we just have that discussion outside?

Why did he tell me that he likes me if he isn’t going to ask me to be his girlfriend?

I grab his hands and jerk them off of my waist.

Then I reach for the door to let him out.

“Wait, Wilkins!” He says as he tries to close the door with his hand.

I turn to look at him expectantly.

“I want to date you,” He says finally, “But I don’t want you to date me if I scare you”

I blink.

He shakes his head. And takes off his PC.

I shut the door again. And to my surprise, he drops to his knees in front of me. As if he’s about to pray or cry or confess or something.

“Just like you said…there is another part of me. I’m not always that good guy I told you I am,” He says quietly, “I have done and can do a lot of fucked up things. And I don’t know if I can change”

I think he’s about to say more, but instead he just goes silent.

“You mean your evil side?” I say point blank.

Alvarez looks up at me…

Then he lets out a laugh.

“My what?” He asks.

“Your evil side,” I say again matter of factly, “That’s the part you’re talking about.”

I touch his face like my mom would do when she’s trying to comfort me. And I stroke his cheek.

“I think you’re like those characters in the movies. The ones with the angel and the devil on each shoulder. And it’s hard for you to decide who to listen to,” I tell him.

He closes his eyes and I think it is because he doesn’t like me touching him like this. Or maybe he thinks what I am doing or just said is weird. But then he grabs my hand and kisses my palm.

“Yeah…it is like that,” He says and then he places my hand back on his cheek.

I stroke his face again.

“It’s ok,” I tell him, “I can deal with it”

He looks at me. His eyes seem glazed again. And I feel scared once more. But in a thrilling way. Like I’m at the top of a roller coaster before it drops.

“Are you sure?” He asks.

I nod my head.

He kisses the side of my hand and then takes my fingers and kisses each and every single one.

My heart feels like it is flying and has just been detached from my body.

“Wilkins, I want to be with you forever,” He looks me dead in the eyes.

Ok.

That was unexpected.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t say anything.

Literally.

My brain and mouth have just gone dead.

All I can do is just make an awkward sound that sort of sounds like a laugh.

“We haven’t even gone on a first date yet,” I hurriedly remind him.

Even though that statement came out of left field and I can’t really respond to it..

I don’t want him to think that I don’t like him too like how he likes me.

It is scary. Because I kind of feel like I do.

“It’s too early to say that,” I contunue softly.

But he shakes his head.

“No, I know I want to be with you forever,” He whispers, “You could kill me if you wanted to”

I laugh, but this time it isn’t out of awkwardness.

“Believe me,” I tell him as I stroke his face, “I’ve wanted to”

He stares up at me.

“I’m sorry,” He tells me, “For everything I-”

“I know,” I tell him quietly.

He shakes his head.

“I was just so afraid you were going to find a better guy or…” But he trails off with this last part that I don’t know what else he could be trying to say.

Whatever it is, he doesn’t seem to want to tell me because he changes the subject.

“We should go out,” He says and he stands up and puts his PC back on, “Where do you want to go? To the movies? I know you like movies. We can see what is showing, and go out to eat. I’ll take you to this restaurant by the beach, you’ll love it.”

He grabs my hand.

But I laugh.

“Christopher, it’s too late to go to the movies or out to eat right now,” I remind him and call him by his first name, “And I’m not dressed”

He looks me over.

“You’re not dressed,” I point out too.

He’s still wearing that dingy uniform.

He chuckles.

“Damn, you’re right,” He says.

His eyes drift back to my chest area and I realize that he must have noticed my breasts when I told him I wasn’t decent. I cross my arms to hide my nipples which I know must be showing through.

“You don’t have to do that,” He tells me and I’m embarrassed as hell when he grabs my arms to pull them away from hiding myself, “I like you like this. Casual. Natural”

Then he touches my hair which is poofy and a mess all over my head. And that’s when it hits me. How bummy I must really look. My heartbeat quickens and even though he is telling me not to be, I suddenly feel very self conscious. I can’t believe I just kissed him looking like this!

“We can stay in here,” He suggests.

That is the last thing I want him to do. To stay in my room with me where I am my most natural self. Where I pee, poop, fart, burp, and do other things that I no longer wish I did because how sexy is that? What if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?

But Alvarez is already going over to my bed and looking at my TV.

“What are you watching?” He asks.

Oh no! I don’t want him to see that I’m looking at some chick flick! What if he thinks I’m a basic girl who doesn’t have a real taste in film. Then he’ll really dump me even though we just started going out.

I grab my remote off my bed and turn the TV off.

“Actually, I’m pretty tired,” I think of as my lie, “Can we go on our date tomorrow?”

He looks at me and smiles.

“Yeah, of course,” He says, “I’ll stop by in the morning to pick you up-”

“No, don’t come by then!” I snap. That won’t give me enough time to get ready. And I need to buy a new outfit.

“Let’s do 7pm,” I tell him, “So that way we can do dinner and a movie like you said”

Alvarez smiles again.

“Ok,” He tells me, “That’s perfect.”

He reaches to start kissing me again, but I can tell that he really wants to get into it like we did at the door. But not while I’m looking like this. So, I dodge his mouth and just let him give me a kiss on the cheek.

“Goodnight,” I tell him and basically drag him to the door and throw him out before my body tells me otherwise.

He doesn’t even get a chance to say it back to me before I shut him out.

I peep through the peephole and see him standing staring at my door for awhile. But then he finally leaves. I nearly buckle with relief.

Then I hurry to the shared bathroom area and look at my reflection in the mirror. Oh no! I did look like shit! I want to cry. But it was dark out and dark in my room, so he probably didn’t even notice that I didn’t look my best.

I head back into my bed and settle in beneath my covers. My mind replays everything that just happened. I feel really…

Happy.

I think I have a boyfriend.

And it is Alvarez of all people.

I think back to his eyes. God, why does he look at me like that sometimes? Especially how he did when he was pressing me up against the door.

It was like he was begging me with his eyes for something or trying to tell me something. Just thinking about it makes me…

I feel the buzz between my legs.

Not that again.

But Alvarez’s lips feel so good. And his tongue, too. I never imagined I would like french kissing. I mean, it just looks so nasty. Swapping spit. And when you put it like that it is. But when it was actually happening…god. I felt like I wanted to eat the man’s whole face off.

The buzzing gets louder and I can’t help but to bunch my covers in between my legs to maybe help silence it.

And the way his hands gripped my ass. Like he was massaging it or something. And how good it felt when he kept squeezing and rubbing me through my sweatpants.

“Oh god,” I whisper out loud.

Wow! What the fuck!

I realize that I’m moving instinctively on my bed with the covers pressed between my legs and my face down in my pillow.

Ok. Calm down, I tell myself.

I roll over onto my back and put my hand down my sweatpants. Sure enough I feel that I am wet.

I sit up and pull my sweatpants off. Then I get back on my bed in just my t-shirt. I grab the covers and put them directly in between my thighs in such a way that it feels good when I roll back on to my stomach. Then I start moving.

I think of Alvarez and replay him kissing me over and over again. And how his hands touched my waist and felt rubbing my body. I keep thinking of how badly I wanted him to stay. And how I kind of wish he was still here. And what might have happened if I let him.

I keep going like this until my legs start to feel all tingly and a funny feeling is in the pit of my stomach. But the feeling feels so good down below that I have to go faster. And faster. And faster. Until finally it feels like I can’t go any more.

My breathing is heavy and I close my eyes. Then I roll over and fall asleep.

XXXXXXXXXXX

I know that I have to tell Bennett about Alvarez and what happened last night. Especially since she is my best friend. I also know that she will tell Raymond. And of course that Martinez needs to know.

So, I do it in the best way I know how. In the group message.

Typing out a message like this isn’t exactly easy. But Raymond and Bennett are always telling us about what guys they hooked up with and Martinez sometimes will even share about how her dates with Goodwin went.

My first draft is made sitting at my computer desk. I just woke up and I feel like I can do it. Bennett’s door is closed, so she is still asleep. But I know this message I am about to send will undoubtedly wake her the hell up.

The first draft is long and detailed. I go step by step about what happened. How I felt. What we said. Etc. Etc.

But something about that doesn’t feel right. It is too intimate. They don’t need to know about Alvarez’s demons. I mean…they kind of already do. But he told me that out of confidence.

So, I deleted that message.

The second draft I make is more straight and to the point. I brush over the hairy details and just give the spark notes version of what happened.

But that doesn’t seem right, either.

In the end, I just decided to send this message: Alvarez and I are together now. He’s taking me out on a date tonight. Wish me luck.

I wait for the responses, but it is still early and I don’t really get any.

I decide to just go about my day. If they respond. They respond. If they don’t. They don’t. They’ll tell me what they really think when I see them face to face anyhow.

But just as I am about to head out of my room, my door automatically swings open. Bennett and I don’t keep our doors locked from the shared kitchen and bathroom area. Mainly because I’m always running in her room and she is always coming into mine.

“What. The. Fuck. Is. This?” Bennett snaps at me.

The first thing I notice is that she’s wearing a really cute lingerie type dress with nothing underneath. And for Bennett, because she’s so shapely, you can really tell when she has nothing else on. The second thing I notice is that behind her is Sawyer of all people.

And he doesn’t have on a shirt! Or pants! Just a pair of boxers.

“Ummm…” My brain can’t even process everything that is going on right now.

But Bennett’s attention changes from me to Sawyer.

“You knew about this! Didn’t you!” She snaps at him, “Was this some kind of another twisted plan he came up with! What was it? Distract me and then get to her?”

Sawyer just shakes his head and walks away. Because Bennett can be a little aggressive when she’s agitated. I sense that he already knows that.

“Don’t walk away from me, motherfucker!” Bennett snaps at him, “I want to know!”

Sawyer goes back into Bennett’s room and since her door is open, I can still hear them and see them.

“What are you? His flunkie? His partner in crime? You both are sick! You both need help!” Bennett continues to go on.

Sawyer just grabs what looks to be his clothes that are on the floor and starts putting them on. He doesn’t even respond. Even when Bennett is all up on him. He doesn’t look phased.

She’s shorter than him, because Sawyer is kind of tall. But the way she’s talking you would think she was his height or mine.

“I’m going to call you later,” He says calmly as if everything Bennett just said wasn’t said at all.

“Nigga, don’t call me!” Bennett snaps at him. Even though Sawyer isn’t black, she still calls him the n word. I guess it’s just a habit.

“You can lose my number! Don’t ever call me! I never want to see your face again! This is the first and last time you’ll ever have access to me!” Bennett shouts.

Sawyer continues to ignore her, zips up his pants and then comes back to the doorway to look at me.

“Hey, Wilkins,” He says as if it’s an ordinary Sunday.

“H-Hey,” I stutter because Bennett is still going off on him and I can hear her cursing even his mother over his shoulder.

“I’m really happy for you and C,” He says, “I’m glad you guys are finally together”

“Uh…thanks,” I say awkwardly.

Then he turns around and goes out Bennett’s front door. With her cursing at him the whole time. When the door slams shut, Bennett rushes back into my room and stands in front of me.

Then she reaches out and slaps me.

At first I am shocked.

I can’t believe she just did that.

“Maybe that will wake you up!” She yells, “Because what are you thinking?!”

Ok. I know Bennett is my best friend and she is the first person I actually made friends with since I’ve been in the Military. But now it is time for me to stand up for myself.

“Bennett,” My voice sounds calm but it is not mine. It is my mother’s.

“Don’t ever. In your motherfucking life. Hit me. Again.”

Bennett looks at me.

I go on.

“I will always love you, girl. But let’s set some boundaries and get some things straight. What I decide to do with my life. Is my decision. And if you want to share your opinion on something I decide to do. With my life. I will listen to it. But I don’t have to follow it,” I let out a slow breath.

“I am your friend,” I say, “Not your goddamn child.”

Then I push her with all my force which takes her by surprise. And she lands on her butt in the hallway of our shared kitchen area. The look on her face is one of absolute shock.

But she’s not prepared for what I do next. I slam my door and for the first time since she’s been my roommate, I lock it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

I don’t talk to Bennett for the rest of the day. Actually, she stays in her room while I get ready to go on my date with Alvarez. My first date ever.

I yearn to knock on her door. To share this experience with her and get her advice. But we’re in a fight.

Raymond hit me up after she saw my message in the group chat. She didn’t respond. Her first action was to call me.

“Bitchhhhhhh,” Was all she could say.

And I explained to her, patiently in my new mom voice that this is my life and my choice. Just like I did to Bennett. And really there was nothing she could say after that.

I did ask if she would take me to the mall since even though I am nineteen, I still don’t know how to drive because my mom was scared I was too young when I could start learning and refused to teach me. And when I joined the Army it wasn’t a requirement. But now I think I might just go ahead and learn.

Martinez calls me when I’m on my way to meet Raymond. She finally saw my text, too.

“Are you sure about dating Alvarez?” She asks, but she doesn’t sound judgemental. I know she’s coming from a place of care.

“Yes,” I tell her.

“Ok, then I’m happy for you,” Martinez actually sounds genuine.

I can always count on her to be the nicest out of my friends.

Raymond meets me in the barracks parking lot and she just shakes her head as we stand in front of her car for awhile.

“What happened between you and Bennett?” She asks. So I know she’s talked to her.

“I love Bennett,” I say matter of factly, “And I will always appreciate what she’s does for me. But she needs to learn that she can’t just control me”

Raymond scrunches up her face.

“All Bennett tries to do is help you,” Raymond says.

“I know,” I say, “And that was when I need her help. But I don’t need her help with this particular situation anymore. I just want her to be happy for me, Raymond”

Raymond sighs.

“Yeah, girl. I know. She can be controlling, but she loves really hard and is really loyal and protective of those she cares about,” She says. And unspokenly we put the Bennett topic to rest.

But just as we are about to get in the car, a group of girls I have never seen before head towards us. And from the way they are walking I can tell that it is not just a coincidence that they are coming in our direction. And so can Raymond.

“Who’s these bitches?” She mutters.

Once they get about three feet from us, they stop.

One of the girls is extremely curvaceous with wild curly hair, expert makeup, and brows so angled they look like master chef knives. She has her arms crossed. She looks like the leader for some reason which must be the case because she is the first to speak.

“Yo, Wilkins can I talk to you?”

How she knows my name I have no idea because I’ve never seen this girl in my life. She’s not from my company either.

“Me?” Is all I can think of to say because her tone is defensive.

How does she know me? And why is she talking to me like she doesn’t like me already?

“Sorry, babe, we were just about to go somewhere,” Raymond interjects and tells her.

The curvy girl doesn’t even look Raymond’s way.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” She snaps.

The other girls standing behind her look just as scary but with faces also expertly made up and extremely pretty. But they all have on sweatpants, tennis shoes, and each one has their hair tied up despite their done up faces.

They look like a gang.

“Babygirl, if you want to fight, just say that because this round the way shit ain’t cute,” Raymond suddenly tells the girl. Her comment shocks me.

Fight?

The girl looks at Raymond and then to me.

“Who’s this?” She asks me, “Ya body guard?”

I don’t know what to say.

“Oh, I’m more than that baby girl,” Raymond laughs but not like she thinks anything is funny, “And if it gets physical, you’ll know”

My heart is pounding and my hands are starting to sweat.

“Ok. Well, no one is here for all that,” The girl cries.

“So, if you wasn’t here for all that why you and your home girls come dressed like you want to throw hands?” Raymond snaps and rolls her eyes.

“This black bitch is getting on my nerves,” One of the other girls says.

“Bitch?!” Raymond cries, “Who are you callin a bitch? Looking like an oompa loompa?!”

“Gomez, shut up!” The first girl snaps at the one who just called Raymond a bitch, “I told you to let me do the talking!”

Ok. I think to myself. I’m done with this.

“Let’s go, Raymond,” I say to her and grab her arms, but she moves out of my reach.

Her eyes are still fixated on the group of girls.

“No, let this hoe say what she has to say. She obviously came a long way and she’s here for a reason and wants to talk, so talk babygirl” Raymond says with a wave of her hand.

But I don’t really want to hear it.

“Ok, well let me start off by saying that your friend is the one who’s a hoe,” The curvy girl shouts.

And I nearly choke.

What?

“She was fucking my man last night!” She continues to scream.

Who?

What?

Me?

Is she talking about me?

“Well obviously he isn’t your man if he was sleeping with another chick,” Raymond tells the girl while I am too stunned to speak, “and baby, she ain’t the one you need to be checking. Go check his dick. You’re screaming insecure with all of this”

“Bitch, please! Everyone knows Cabrera and Alvarez are together! Your friend is just a trifling ass trick!” The other girl, Gomez, cries.

But I catch and hook on to the name she just said.

Wait…Alvarez?

Raymond laughs.

“So you’re the crazy bitch that Escalante was telling me about, girl bye. Your ass is just desperate to claim a man that doesn’t even want to claim you,” Raymond says to my dismay.

I can tell that what Raymond just said crossed the line because the Gomez girl starts moving forward, but Cabrera and the other girls hold her back.

“Oh hell no, bitch,” Gomez shouts, “Ugly, dark ass, cockroach looking ass puntas!”

Raymond just laughs maniacally.

But I’m scared. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. These girls seem like they really will hurt us even though we are all in the Army.

“I just want to know what is your relationship with Alvarez?” I realize that Cabrera is talking to me again.

My heart keeps racing, but I don’t know what to say.

I can’t tell her that last night he made it seem like we are together. But are we even together if she obviously thinks she’s with Alvarez, too? And then Raymond mentioned something about other girls. And it made me remember that she had also said Alvarez was messing with another girl, too.

My head is spinning.

I thought Alvarez was being truthful when he said he wanted to be with me forever. But now what he said last night doesn’t mean as much if he’s saying it to other girls, too.

I laugh to myself at that realization.

He said he had an evil side. Maybe this is part of it, as well. Maybe I’m just another number in a long line of girls for him.

“What’s so funny bitch?” Gomez shouts at me.

I shake my head.

I’m really over it now.

I tell Cabrera as I look her dead in the eyes, “I’m not fighting over a guy who is obviously dating all of us at the same time. You can have him”

She wasn’t expecting that.

Raymond claps her hands and stomps her feet as if I just gave an amazing testimony.

“Hallelujah! Someone gets it!” She shouts.

“Did you sleep with him last night?” Cabrera asks me, “Someone said they saw him coming out of your room”

Ok. I am definitely done with Alvarez, because the way Cabrera’s voice sounds tells me that this isn’t the first time he’s done this to her. Especially for her to be keeping tabs on him like this.

“No,” I say, “We just talked”

She doesn’t need to know that we kissed.

“Liar!” Gomez shouts, “I heard about her! She is known for this shit! She steals other people’s boyfriends all the time!”

Raymond gives Gomez a face.

“Bitch, will you please shut up! If you heard about her then you also know the rumor that she’s been riding Alvarez’s dick since before your shrek and fiona ass looking friend ever met him! But you obviously didn’t believe that until you had some real proof, so shut the fuck up!” I don’t like Raymond stooping to these girls level.

But I can’t lie that a part of me is kind of glad she’s yelling back at these girls. Especially for the Gomez girl calling both of us cockroaches.

Gomez makes a move like she’s really going to get Raymond this time. But the other girls tell her to chill.

“You swear you’re not sleeping with him?” Cabrera asks me. And the way her eyes look, I feel bad for her. She looks like she really loves Alvarez and can’t stand the thought of him being with someone else.

I look her dead in the eye.

“Woman to woman,” I say, repeating a line I heard in a song my mom would play when I was a kid, “I’m not sleeping with him”

Cabrera stares at me for a long time. But I can already tell she believes me. Though she seems embarrassed that she came all the way out here and confronted me like this now.

“Ok,” She says, “That’s all I wanted to know”

“That’s it!” Gomez cries, “You’re just going to take her word?! Someone said they saw the hoe let him in her room!”

Cabrera says something to Gomez in Spanish and the other girls all start talking to her in the language too.

She keeps throwing glances at me as they converse. And something in Cabrera’s eyes looks even more frightened. Like she’s terrified of me but I don’t know why.

“Ok! Ok!” Is all I can make out from Gomez.

“Alright, well now you know who I am and I know who you are,” Cabrera says to me, “So, we shouldn’t have this issue again”

I nod my head.

Raymond rolls her eyes.

The group start walking back the way they came and I realize they must have been looking for me. The Gomez girl gives one last look at Raymond, and Raymond flicks her off.

When they are finally out of sight, I breathe a sigh of relief.

Raymond looks down at her phone and starts going through her messages.

“Bennett said those bitches were beating at your door,” She tells me. Confirming what I already sort of figured.

Maybe Bennett is right. What the hell am I thinking dating someone like Alvarez? I suddenly feel horrible for how I treated her this morning. Bennett really is just trying to protect me.

“You still want to go to the mall?” Raymond asks me.

I shake my head.

“No,” I say.

Forget Alvarez.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

I sit in Bennett’s room with Raymond. We’re all eating ice cream and watching a movie on her bed.

My phone has been blowing up with several missed calls and text messages. And they are all from Alvarez asking me where I am at. We even heard him knock on my door. But I didn’t answer.

When Raymond gets up to go to the bathroom, I take this as the opportunity to apologize to Bennett. But just as I am about to say sorry, she says it too.

We laugh.

“I didn’t mean to be all up in your business like that,” Bennett tells me quietly, “I just don’t want to see you get hurt. But you’re right, you’re not my child. It’s just that sometimes I feel like you’re like my sister. And I have to protect you”

My heart warms at hearing her say that.

“You’re like a sister to me, too,” I say, “And I should listen to you more. You do have more experience than me when it comes to a lot of things”

Bennett shakes her head.

“No, what you said this morning was right. I can give you my opinion, but it is ultimately up to you to make your own decisions,” She says gently, “Remember what I said you have to live life…”

“To learn life,” I finished.

Bennett smiles and I rest my head against her chest.

Which suddenly makes me think of Sawyer and how I saw her earlier.

“Uh, so are you going to tell me how Sawyer ended up in your room this morning?” I fish.

Bennett laughs.

“I know, I know. I don’t usually date white guys, but he’s a cool ass white guy. I guess I just saw something in him that day he came to bring you back your phone. I’ve never met a guy as sweet and kind as him before,” She whispers.

I’ve never heard Bennett talk about a man like this before. She must really like him. Because usually it is all about how big their dick was and if they could make her cum.

“Yeah, I think he’s really nice, too. It makes me wonder though how nice can he be if he’s still best friends with someone like Alvarez after all that he’s seen him do,” I say.

Bennett sighs.

“Yeah,” She says.

And that’s the end of that.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Raymond goes back to her room and I go back to mine. Tomorrow is a regular day. The weekend is over.

As I get in my bed to go to sleep, my phone however keeps buzzing. I had to put it on vibrate because Alvarez won’t stop blowing me up.

And even now he keeps trying to reach me. Finally, I just decide that I am going to turn it off.

But then I remember that I need it for my alarm. I mean, Bennett would wake me up if she saw I was still sleeping. But what if she didn’t set her alarm, which has happened a few times and I’ve had to wake her up before.

I go over to where my phone is charging and look at the messages and calls.

Yep.

All from Alvarez.

I’ll just block him, I think to myself.

But then I realize I can’t do that either because what if we get a recall and he’s on CQ one night.

Ugh.

So, I message him this: I’m trying to go to sleep. Stop texting me. Stop trying to call me. I’m not going to answer.

Then I put my phone back down and go back to my bed.

But ofcourse, my phone buzzes once more.

I go over to look at it and I got a message from Alvarez: I know that Cabrera came to visit you today. Whatever she said doesn’t change how I feel about you. I’m not with her or any other girl. I just want to be with you.

My heart drops.

It sounds nice. But how do I know he’s telling the truth? And I don’t want to wake Bennett up to have her analyze this with me.

I let out my breath. I didn’t even realize I was holding it for a minute.

I text: Cabrera seems to really care about you

How can he say he wants to be with me forever, but then turn around and break Cabrera’s heart just to do it? The look in her eyes today made me so sad that I felt like I needed to hug her even though she was basically ready to fight me.

It takes him a while to respond. And I can see that he keeps typing. Then stopping. Then typing. Then stopping.

Finally he just sends these words: I know

So why then? If you know that someone really cares about you…why would you hurt that person? I want to ask him this, but I can’t really put it into words.

I get another message from him: Can we talk?

I bite my lip.

Should I talk to him? What else is there to say? I can’t be with him. Especially not now since I’ve seen another woman care about him as much as I do…maybe even more.

Wait, care?

Do I care about Alvarez too?

I guess I kind of do.

I mean, I guess I do care about him a lot. Even though he has his evil side.

I respond: Ok

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I stare at the last message Alvarez sent me: Meet me in the parking lot

Great. I think. I want to tell him to just call me or come to my room. But I don’t want to talk too loudly and wake Bennett up. Nor do I want to risk him coming to my room and him asking if he can kiss me again. I know I said that I felt bad for Cabrera and I don’t want to hurt her by being with Alvarez. But sometimes the body is weak. That much I know.

So, I put on some underwear. Even though I tell myself I’m not going to be with Alvarez for Cabrera’s sake, I can’t help but pay attention to my appearance. I choose some nice, yellow satin panties from VS that I bought after hanging out more with Bennett and Raymond. Then I put on the matching yellow, lace bra. Already my nipples are starting to get hard and my insides are buzzing at the though of seeing Alvarez.

Shhhh. I tell my body. You’re not getting what you want tonight. Whatever that is.

I quietly go out into the bathroom area and sprits my hair with some water. Then I grab my makeup bag and put on some lip gloss and a little mascara and eyeliner. That should be enough where I don’t look too crazy when I see him. But not enough where it will make him think I put in any effort. Because I don’t want him to think he still has a chance with me.

I lift up my under arms and put on some deodorant. But as I’m doing that I think that I might as well put on some perfume. Just a little bit at least. I mean, I don’t want him to want me but I also don’t want him to think I smell either.

So, I spray a little bit of perfume in my hair, on my neck, behind my ears, and on my chest. Then I put on a pair of hoop earrings. Hoops are simple. Every black girl wears hoops. Whether they’re going to go see a guy or not. It’s not like I’m wearing diamond studs or anything. He’ll just think I hurried out the door.

When I go back into my room and shut the door, I rack my brain on if I should wear sweats and a tshirt. Or if I should put on some fitted jeans and a top.

I decided to wear the jeans. But for the shirt I go with just a regular yellow tank top that matches my bra underneath. He won’t even think I tried. Because I didn’t try. Or at least not really.

Then comes the shoes. Should I do tennis? No that will throw the whole look off and he’ll think I look stupid. But if I do my platforms he’ll think I really went all out….So, instead I just slip on my black flip flops.

I grab my phone and my room card key and head out the door. As I walk towards the parking lot, it seems as if everyone is in their barrack room tonight since we all have PT in the morning.

My heart beat is pounding and my hands are starting to sweat. But I don’t feel scared. Just nervous to see Alvarez for some reason. Why? I tell myself. We’re just going to talk about why we can’t be together.

When I make it to the parking lot, I see Alvarez sitting on top of the hood of his grey sports car. I remember when he told me he bought it. The car of his dreams. He was so proud of it like I was when I finally got my laptop.

He notices me right away and his face looks relieved. As if he didn’t think I was coming. He gets off the hood of the car as I walk to him. I notice that he’s not in uniform. Instead he’s wearing a pair of black basketball shorts, some sneakers, and a blue tshirt. Like he just came from playing on a court or something. Which is good because it means he didn’t even try either.

“Hey,” I say, but instead of saying it back he just pulls me to him in a hug. He wraps his arms around my waist and holds me to him.

That buzzing starts again.

And damn he smells good. Like pine or the woods or something.

I pull away. This isn’t going to happen, I tell myself.

“I thought we came here to talk,” I say.

“Yeah,” He says quietly, “Of course”

He walks over to the passenger side of the car and opens the door.

“Do you want to get in?” He asks me.

“Where are we going to go?” I ask suspcisouly. He didn’t say anything about leaving the parking lot let alone the base.

“Somewhere we can talk,” He tells me, “In private”

I hold my breath, but decide to just go ahead and go. I mean, I don’t feel like leaving the barracks is a bad idea. Especially since so many people are here and it can cause gossip if we are seen together. I don’t need a repeat of earlier today.

I get in the passenger seat and he looks at me as I’m buckling my seat belt.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” I ask him, and I’m suddenly self conscious. It there hair sticking to my lip gloss? Is my eyeliner smudged? I desperately want to check the flip down mirror in his car, but I don’t want him to think that I care about how he sees me.

Alvarez just smiles.

“I just can’t believe this is actually happening,” He says. Which doesn’t make any sense to me.

“We’re just going to talk,” I remind him.

“I know,” He says as he shuts my door.

I wait for him to get into the driver’s side. What does he mean by this is actually happening? Nothing is about to happen. I have to make him see that.

Once he gets in the car, he starts up the engine and it quietly roars to life to my surprise. I thought it would be louder than that.

I look around and notice that it still looks and smells new. Like he just got it although I know he’s had it since we’ve been stationed here. I look at the back seat. The grey seating covers are glowing underneath with some kind of green lights. And the tops is, too.

“You want to listen to anything?” Alvarez asks me as he speeds away from the barracks.

“Uh, whatever’s fine,” I tell him.

To my surprise he puts on some r&b. My favorite genre.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I say to him.

“What?” He asks me as if he doesn’t know that I know he’s trying to get on my good side.

“That’s actually very stereotypical,” I decide to toy with him.

He looks at me from the corner of his eye as we finally get off base.

“You don’t like Rhythm and Black?” He asks me.

I laugh.

“It’s rhythm and blues,” I correct him but I know he already knows that.

“And yes, I do. But what if I didn’t? You’re just going to put it on because you have a black girl in your car? You’re not my uber driver. This ride is free. You don’t get a rating after this ride or a tip,” I say.

“Hmmm,” He comments, “I hope that’s not true.”

I feel a tingle in my spine.

But thankfully, he decides to change the topic.

“You told me you like r&b though, that’s why I’m playing it,” He says and then glances at me sideways, “Not because I have a black girl in my car”

I give a nervous chuckle and clear my throat. I do remember telling him that. But that was so long ago, I’m surprised he remembers.

I see the corners of his mouth pull up into a smile. I notice that he drives with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on this shift thing.

“This is a stick?” I ask incredously.

“Yeah,” Alvarez tells me, “Manual cars are less expensive than automatics”

“I didn’t know that,” I say, “I don’t know how to drive. Especially not stick shift”

“I can teach you if you want,” He tells me.

“Teach me what? How to drive? How to drive a stick?

“Both,” He says and then glances at me again.

My heart starts beating fast, so to distract myself from his gaze I reach up to look at his stereo. It looks really funny.

“You like it?” He asks as he notices me staring.

“Why does it look like this?” I say.

He laughs.

“I put it in myself to get better sound,” He says, “Sawyer helped me, too. We also upholstered the back and put those lights in”

“Wow,” I comment, “You guys are really talented”

Alvarez chuckles.

“You want to turn the music up?” He asks me.

I nod my head and he motions for me to do it.

So, I do. And right away the sound is clearer and more present than Raymond’s car and her speakers in her room combined.

“This is amazing,” I tell Alvarez.

He smiles at me.

“Yeah, it is”

Chapter Twenty-Two

Alvarez parks the car right near the beach. I haven’t been down here in a while. Mainly because it is a far drive. I am surprised we are here actually. How fast was Alvarez going? And why didn’t someone pull him over?

I don’t ask him this though. Instead we just sit and look at the water from inside of the car. We’re not the only ones out here tonight, but most people are just walking the shoreline or the boardwalk.

He points at one of the buildings that are in front of us and that has a great view of the water.

“That’s the place I want to take you to one day,” He tells me excitedly.

I look at the name.

“Waterman’s?” I ask him.

He laughs.

“It sounds low budget, but I swear, it’s really nice inside,” He tells me.

He looks at me and the look on his face is so happy and excited that I feel bad that I have to tell him that he’ll never be able to take me there. Unless it’s as a friend.

We just sit in silence for a while and I realize that I have to end this. I have to tell him that I can’t be with him and that there’s no way I would when he already has someone who really cares about him like Cabrera does.

I take a deep breath.

“Christopher,” I start off with his real name because that seems the best way to tell someone something like this, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore”

I can’t look at him though. Instead I just stare out the window at the beach.

“You obviously have someone who really cares about you and it’s wrong for you to dump her just because you want to be with me,” I continue.

I take another deep breath.

“And I feel sort of betrayed, too. Because you made it seem like you weren’t in a serious relationship with anyone else. But this whole time you have someone like Cabrera. And I know this isn’t the first time you’ve done this to her. I’ve heard about the girl who works at the Defac and some other girl, too. And I’m not going to let you leave Cabrera just so you can cheat on me, too,” I finish with this.

I finally turn to look at Alvarez, but he’s staring straight ahead. Silent.

I try to give him some time, but he still doesn’t speak.

“Did you hear what I just said?” I ask gently.

He is quiet for a beat. But he opens his mouth just when I’m about to reach over and check if he somehow died or something sitting up.

“Yeah,” He says.

I breath a sigh of relief. Mainly because he isn’t dead. And because he understands.

“We can always be friends,” I tell him, “You are like the first friend I’ve had since I joined. And I want to keep you in my life now that I know that we can be close”

Alvarez blinks a few times before he says, “I can’t just be friends with you. I don’t want to just be friends with you. And I’m not sure what I’ll do if I can’t have you. I can’t stand thinking about you being with another guy, actually”

His voice sounds deeper for some reason. And I actually believe him when he said he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he can’t have me.

“Maybe you need to go to therapy,” I try because this sitaution seems beyond me. This isn’t just about me, but this mentatility of not losing or not winning has seemed to spread to every aspect of his life.

“I heard about how you almost didn’t get the fast promotion because Lopez and you were both running for it,” I bridge gently. I don’t know if I should bring this up.

But he looks me in the eye. His face looks shocked and then ashamed.

“That kind of thinking,” I say in a way that shows I’m not judging him, but that I actually care about him, “Isn’t healthy. To manipulate and scheme and try to get your way even when you might not have it isn’t right”

He’s quiet for a long time again.

“I know,” He says and it sounds like his voice broke.

He places his fist against his head and closes his eyes.

Then it dawns on me that he’s crying.

“It’s ok,” I tell him in my best soothing voice like my mother does when I burst into tears.

I unbuckle my seat belt and reach out to pull his head to my chest. Then I stroke his head. Just like a mother would do her child.

“It’s ok,” I whisper over and over again as he sobs into my breasts.

I’ve never seen a man cry before. But right now Alvarez doesn’t feel like a man. More like a little boy. I’ve never been a mother or even come close to it before, but I do feel oddly maternal as I soothe Alvarez in my arms.

It dawns on me that Alvarez has never had this before. His mother left him before he could even walk. The only thing she did, as he told me, is give birth to him. And I’m not sure if he had any aunts or grandmothers around to take her place. Every time he talks about his upbringing, all he talks about is his dad.

I pull away from Alvarez and put my face directly next to his so he can see my eyes.

“You don’t need to be strong all the time,” I tell him, “It’s ok to feel weak. It’s ok to feel powerless. It’s ok not to have control”

He’s probably never heard that in his life.

“It’s ok to cry,” I tell him.

He sniffs and nods his head.

I wipe some of the tears from his eyes and then stroke my hand along his cheek. I can’t imagine how Alvarez’s mom could leave him as a baby. I can picture him as a child. That baby is still hidden in his face. He’s so precious. It scares me to think a woman could look at that face and then turn away from it. Or not take him with her. But I don’t know her story. I don’t know what her reasons were. So, who am I to judge?

“Wil-,” Alvarez starts to say my name but then he switches to my first name instead, “Majesty?”

“Yes?” I ask him as I continue to stroke his cheek.

“I really want to kiss you,” He whispers.

My heart soars.

Oh shit.

This is way too intimate.

Here I am thinking this is maternal but he’s reading this as sexual.

I pull away and sit back in my seat.

“I think we should go now,” I tell him.

And I reach out to pull my seatbelt back on, but he places his hand on mine before I can.

He looks me in the eyes.

“Alvarez,” I tell him calmly, “I already told you”

But his eyes look pleading. Like that baby who keeps calling for his mother but she never comes. Oh shit. Now I feel like I’m in the same situation. If I turn away from Alvarez now, what would that say about me?

I sigh.

“I told you we can always be friends and I really think you should go to therapy,” I say.

He takes my hand and kisses my palm.

“Stop,” I whisper.

But he doesn’t. Instead he just kisses my fingertips like he did in my room. It’s like we’re picking right back up where we left off.

It dawns on me that agreeing to talk to him face to face was a bad idea. And so was getting in his car and letting him drive me to the beach. Hell, everything was a bad idea.

“I’ll go to therapy,” He says as he presses my hand up against his cheek again, “I swear. But I can’t just be friends with you”

“Well, then we don’t need to be anything at all if you can’t do that,” I tell him.

His eyes look scared when I say that. Like a little boy who just got told no very harshly.
“I can be friends with you,” He finally says, “But I don’t know what I might do if I see you talking to other guys. I don’t want to hurt you again, and I can’t promise that I can stop myself from doing that”

I suck in my breath.

“That’s where the therapy will come in,” I remind him, “We’ll get you help”

I stroke his cheek.

“Ok?” I ask him.

He nods his head. Giving in.

He kisses the side of my hand.

“Just don’t leave me, Majesty. Please,” He whispers. And I’ve never heard him sound like that before. I’m not sure if it’s even him or if he even really said it. He just sounds so weak.

But I can’t promise him.

Chapter Twenty-Four

“They aren’t going to report you to 1SG,” I say quietly on the phone as I talk to Alvarez, “Everything’s confidential. No one’s going to send you to a mental hospital. Only if you admit to wanting to harm yourself or others”

He says something that makes me sigh.

“Well, then don’t admit to it,” I tell him, “You can just tell that kind of stuff to Sawyer…or me”

He whispers something and my heartbeat quickens.

“I love you, too,” I tell him and I mean it. But I say it like how I would say to my mom over the phone or Bennett or Raymond or Martinez.

But the type of love I feel for him isn’t romantic. I think it goes back to that night in his car when we were by the beach. I have this maternal urge. I can tell he needs someone to be like a mother to him. But not in a sexual or codependent way. In an encouraging way. The way mother’s tell you to take your vitamins or fold your clothes or make sure you change your underwear.

I hang up the phone and look at Martinez. We’re sitting at our shared desk and I can tell she was listening but she has enough tact not to say anything.

“He still isn’t sure about going to talk to the mental health clinic,” I say.

Martinez turns to me in her chair now that I’ve given her the greenlight.

“Yeah, I kind of figured,” She says with a sigh.

“This is like the third week he was supposed to make an appointment, right?” She asks me.

I nod my head.

“Yep. He keeps saying he’ll do it next week and then next week turns into another and I’m sure it will be another once again,” I admit.

“I don’t want to pressure him,” I continue, “Or make him feel like he’s being ambushed into it…”

“I know,” Martinez says.

I fiddle with my keyboard. I still have some orders left to do.

“I think maybe he should try group therapy!” Martinez says suddenly just as I’m finishing up the last of my orders. She must have still been thinking about my problem with Alvarez as we were working.

I look at her and it is like the light bulb clicks.

“You’re right! Group therapy is way less scary and more informal! And he’ll see that a lot of other soldiers are in it too even though they are still in the Army and even want to make a career out of it like he does!” I say.

She nods her head.

“Exactly!”

I finish up my last order and then quickly look on my phone to see what possible groups are offered for soldiers. Then it hits me even harder.

“Wait! He doesn’t even have to do this on base,” I whisper, “He could go somewhere else”

“That would probably be even better for him since he’s really afraid of people finding out he’s dealing with issues,” She says.

I nod my head.

I spend the rest of the day searching up groups that Alvarez can join. And when I find them, I send him the links.

I’m in my room when he responds back.

“I like this one.”

I click on the one he’s talking about. Behind The Facade: Exploring Vulnerabilities and Emotions in Our Service. I secretly am happy that he picked this one since I thought it was the best fit for him but didn’t want to bombard him and choose for him. That’s why I sent him other options.

“Ok. Will you sign up?”

I text him.

“Already did.”

He replies back.

Then he sends me a smiley face.

I beam down at my phone.

“Will you actually go?”

I ask him. I don’t want to be too excited.

He doesn’t respond for a few seconds. But finally he types: “yes.”

I bite my lip.

“You can bring Sawyer with you.”

I write.

“Ok.”

He responds back.

I smile again.

“I love you.”

He sends me this message all of the time. It is how we end every conversation.

“I love you, too”

I text him.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Bennett has a visitor almost every night. At first I don’t think anything of it because it only happens on the weekends. But then I start to really notice it because it starts happening on the weekdays, too.

At night when I go to use the bathroom, I’ll hear sounds.

Now, I’ve only watched porn once with Bennett. But I’ve seen enough movies and shows to know what sex sounds like.

There is pounding and moaning and groaning and something that sounds like clapping. Also, rhythmic beats. Sometimes I get scared because I can’t tell if the sounds coming from her door are ones of pleasure or if she’s crying for help.

But each morning I wake up and she’s there. Alive and well.

So, apparently she survives whatever happens to her at night and whoever is doing it to her.

The weird thing is she doesn’t talk about it. Which is only weird because I know she knows that I can hear her at night. And because she usually tells me about every guy that she sleeps with.

But ever since our big fight and our big make up, we’ve come to respect one another’s lives. So, I don’t bring it up. If she wants to tell me. She’ll tell me.

Then I notice she leaves formation every morning and doesn’t do PT with us. When Raymond, who’s not as tactful as Martinez and I, asks her where she goes. She just says that she’s been assigned to do extra work at her job.

And though it sounds suspicious that she’s the only one assigned to it while everyone else in her squad isn’t…again. I don’t question it. Neither does Martinez. And Raymond actually has enough sense to just say, “Girl, I wish they’d assign me some work at my job so I don’t have to do PT too”. But none of us really believe her.

All three of us wonder what it could be. Is she sick? Is she getting kicked out of the Army? And who’s the nightly visitor who somehow manages to sneak out Bennett’s room at night like he’s Batman or something that none of us have ever seen him? And why is she hiding him from us?

Raymond theorizes that what is happening is that Bennett is seeing some higher up. And that is why she is getting excused from PT and why she’s keeping the guy a secret. And why she doens’t want to tell us about him, because she doesn’t want us judging her for being “that” female soldier. The kind that has sex with some LT or 1SG in order to get out of going to motor pool or doing CQ.

I have to admit, Raymond’s theory seems plausible. And even I start to believe it as the weeks go on.

But one night, I really do think that Bennett has been killed by her nightly visitor.

I come out to use the bathroom and I see blood all over the floor. At first I’m not sure if she had a nose bleed or her period or what. But this is just way too much blood to be regular. The trail leads all the way back to her door.

So, I go and knock on it. But she doesn’t respond.

“Bennett?” I call.

No answer still.

“Bennett, are you ok?” I ask again.

No answer.

“Bennett, I saw the blood. I just want to make sure you’re ok,” I say.

But she doesn’t answer me.

My heart beat quickens.

I check to see if her door is unlocked. And thankfully, it is.

When I go inside, however, it only makes me even more afraid. Because she is not in there. I turn on her light and her bed is unmade, there’s blood all over her sheets, and blood here too.

I run to my room and take my phone off the charger. To my surprise, though I see that I have a missed call.

I check to see if it is Bennett. All I want to do is hear her voice and know she’s still alive.

God, please. This can’t be happening. I think to myself.

But it isn’t Bennett who called me. Instead it is LT.

My heart drops.

Bennett’s dead. That is the first thing that plays in my mind.

Bennett is dead. There’s no other way because why would LT call me?

I shakily press the dial button to call her back.

Tears are forming in my eyes.

“Hello?” LT’s voice is on the other end.

I can’t even get the sob from the back of my throat to not come out.

“Bennett?” Is all I can manage to say.

“Calm down, Wilkins,” LT tells me and I realize I am sobbing.

“Take a deep breath,” She tells me and I do as she says.

“Bennett is ok,” She tells me.

I nearly collapse on my bed at those words. The relief I feel is so immense that I’m sure nothing greater will ever happen to me than the day I learned my best friend isn’t dead or was killed in the room beside me.

“She just needs you right now,” LT continues.

Needs me?

Chapter Twenty-Six

Martinez and I get to the hospital the same time Raymond shows up.

I called Martinez because I needed a ride and Raymond was out at the club. Thankfully Martinez was still at the barracks. Her and Goodwin hadn’t gone anywhere this weekend and decided to stay in. And even more thankfully, she was willing to take me to see Bennett.

On the way there, I called Raymond who said she was already on her way because LT called her.
None of us can even speak as we hurriedly march inside the VA hospital’s sliding doors.

Raymond approaches the front desk like a woman deranged.

“Where’s Heaven Aaliyah Bennett’s room?” She gasps.

The nurse doesn’t even question her. Instead she dutifully looks up the room and tells us the number.

We can’t even say thank you, though because we’re so rushed. When we get to the room I see 1SG, LT, and another woman there.

They are surrounding Bennett.

The woman is holding Bennett’s hand and she’s in a hospital bed. Her eyes look like she’s been crying. But she sits up when she sees us enter.

“Hey, guys,” She says weakly.

I feel scared to approach her. I don’t know why. Maybe because I don’t really know what to say in a situation like this. What can you say?

Sorry for your loss never cut it when my grandma died. And it probably won’t for Bennett either.

Raymond walks over to her and just immediately hugs her. And Bennett cries in her arms as they embrace.

The woman who was holding Bennett’s hand rubs her back instead.

I want to run away. Because I should be there, rubbing her back. Bennett is my best friend. She’s my best friend and I wasn’t there for her. I am in the barracks. We are roommates.

And I didn’t even know.

I didn’t even know that she was losing her baby.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

1SG pulls me and Martinez aside and tells us what happened.

It’s alot of medical details. But basically Bennett was three months pregnant. It wasn’t anything she or they did wrong. They had her go to Pregnancy PT once they found out. But apparently something in her body just couldn’t see this baby to term. And unfortunately she has had a miscarriage.

Everything is ok with her. The doctors are just keeping her overnight to make sure she gets some rest.

When we enter back in the room, Raymond is laying in the bed with Bennett, stroking her hair.

I feel horrible that I can’t even seem to think of anything to say.

“Here, guys. Pull up a chair,” LT says and she pushes two chairs that are in the room next to Bennett’s bed.

Martinez and I both go and sit down. I look at Bennett and I finally say, “I wish you would have told me. I wish I could have been there for you…I’m so sorry that I wasn’t”

Bennett reaches out for my hand and I hold it.

Then Martinez takes her other one.

“I’m sorry,” Bennett squeaks, “I just really was excited. I didn’t want to jinx it. And then somehow I did”

I’ve never seen her so fragile before.

“No, you didn’t,” The woman that I don’t know says to Bennett.

She rubs her shoulders.

“It happens, sweetie. A lot of women have gone through this pain,” She says.

Bennett leans her head against the woman’s chest.

The way the woman looks. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. I begin to think it might be Bennett’s mom. But there is no way that is possible because Bennett’s mom has passed on.

But then it clicks when LT comes to stand beside the woman and they share a knowing gaze. I realize LT isn’t in uniform. Neither is 1SG. This is the first time I’ve seen both without their ranks and in regular civilians.

LT’s black hair is down and her green eyes read an incredible sadness. The blonde woman looks at her and kisses her on the forehead. I immediately look away with how intimate it is. I’m reminded of when Alvarez kissed me on the forehead before and how extremely warm I felt afterwards.

“You’re going to get through this,” The blonde woman continues.

Chapter Thirty

We all have been sitting in Bennett’s room for about ten minutes and she is showing us some pictures she took of her little baby that died. It isn’t much. But you can tell it was a baby developing.

She calls it a he. But I don’t know if that is true or not since its body isn’t completely formed. But none of us question it. He’s a little bloody, and he looks kind like a tadpole, but even I know it would have been a cute baby. My heart hurts for Bennett.

But the room gets quiet when suddenly two other people walk in. My jaw almost drops in shock. But I manage not to gasp in surprise.

Sawyer and Alvarez walk into the room.

From Sawyer’s eyes I can tell he’s been crying and he seems still be a little teary eyed. But to make matter worse, when he sees Bennett he breaks down in tears.

1SG goes over and pats his back. And I watch as Alvarez brings him out of the room and quietly talks to him.

Bennett begins to cry too.

She buries her face in Raymonds side.

“I don’t want him to see me like this,” She whispers shakily, “I told him not to come here”

“I know honey,” The blond woman says, “But he has a right to mourn too”

LT looks guilty and I realize that she must have somehow called Sawyer too. But my mind starts spinning because the only person’s number she would have is Alvarez’s. Sawyer’s not in our company.

But I also begin to wonder how did LT know that Sawyer was the father of Bennett’s baby? I didn’t even know she was seeing him again. But I guess my answer to the nightly visitor’s identity has been given to me in zero words or less.

Why wouldn’t Bennett tell me she was seeing Sawyer?

She knows that I’m still talking to Alvarez. Not as a girlfriend, of course. But as a friend. Why would she think that I would judge her for dating Sawyer? Did she think I would call her a hypocrite for getting on me about Alvarez meanwhile she’s dating his best friend?

I feel kind of sad. I thought Bennett and my relationship was good. I could understand her keeping the higher up theory secret from me. But keeping dating Sawyer, someone I actually like, and her pregnancy from me. It makes me feel sort of betrayed. Even though I know I shouldn’t feel that way.

Maybe she just didn’t want me to judge her because she got pregnant out of wedlock and she knows how my mother raised me. But still…she has to know I wouldn’t have said anything other than how happy I was for her.

Suddenly my mind jumps to Alvarez. Did he know, too? Of course he had to have known. He’s Sawyer’s best friend. Why would Sawyer hide that he’s dating Bennett from Alvarez? Unless Bennett told him not to tell him, too. That their relationship is secret to everyone.

Maybe LT only knows because Bennett had to tell the doctor’s who the father of the child was. I don’t know. All I know is I feel like I’ve been left in the dark. Sleeping next to a stranger this whole time. Bennett hid an entire private life from me.

Sawyer comes back in the room and Alvarez and 1SG follow him. He looks like he’s a little bit better. But his eyes are still incredibly sad.

“Let’s give them some time alone,” The blonde woman says.

Raymond looks down at Bennett, who is still hiding her face in her arm.

“No,” She whimpers, but her voice is muffled.

She holds onto Raymond’s arm.

Then the blonde woman leans over to whisper something in Bennett’s ear. Whatever she said finally makes Bennett show her face again. But she stares down at her hands. I’ve never seen her look so insecure before.

“Come on guys,” The blonde woman instructs again and she motions for everyone else to exit the door.

I stand up because something about her tone and the way she moves just makes her seem like an authority. I wonder to myself if she is in the Military, also. And what her rank is.

As I walk by, I catch Alvarez’s eye. He follows behind me and Martinez.

Raymond, LT, 1SG, and the blonde lady are the last to exit.

We all crowd into the hallway, and the blonde woman closes the door behind us so that Sawyer and Bennett are alone.

She looks at all of us younger people and says, “Now would be a good time if you want to go get Bennett and Sawyer some flowers, or a card. Or if you just want to go to the chapel to pray them. Either way, I’m sure they’d appreciate your warm thoughts”

We all nod our heads.

I can’t decide which to do.

“I’m going to go to chapel,” Martinez whispers quietly, “I think I should actually say a prayer”

“Do you want me to go with you?” I ask her.

She shakes her head no.

“I’m alright,” She says, “I might be there for awhile. One of my sister’s miscarried last year. This is a difficult time and the only way we all got through it was through Christ”

I nod my head.

“I’m going with you, because I’m going to pray too,” Raymond says, “I need to reconnect with God”

She wipes a few tears from her eyes.

“This shit right here has me really thinking about some things,” She says.

I watch as they head towards the elevators to go up to the VA’s chapel.

I can feel Alvarez’s eyes on me. I turn to him.

“We should go get them some flowers, then,” I tell him, “And a card. We can all sign it”

Alvarez nods his head.

We start walking to go back down to the first floor where the store and cafeteria is. We’re both silent for a long time.

Until finally I get up the courage to ask him.

“Did you know?”

He looks at me.

“Yeah,” He admits.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I can’t keep the hurt out of my voice.

“Because Sawyer wasn’t supposed to tell me in the first place. Or about the baby. But I’m his-,” He says.

“Best friend.” I finish.

I stop in one of the hallways and sigh.

“I thought Bennett told me everything. But we got into a fight once and although we made up, it’s like she’s been distant,” I say quietly.

Alvarez reaches out and rubs my shoulder.

“Maybe she was going to tell you, but it just was never the right time,” He says.

I look at him.

“I feel like we’re not even really friends anymore if she wasn’t ever going to tell me,” I admit aloud.

Alvarez pulls me to him and we hug. But it’s not romantic. It’s just a friend hugging another friend.

And I really need it.

Chapter Thirty-One

We pick out a bouquet of white lilies because they symbolize sympathy. And we get a blank card. I don’t want one that says sorry for your loss. Instead, I think we should each just write our names or a short message if we feel led to.

Alvarez carries the flowers as we head back to Bennett’s room. The door is still closed and 1SG is talking to LT and the blonde woman. I notice that the blonde woman and LT are holding hands.

“Who’s that?” I whisper to Alvarez.

He automatically knows who I am talking about.

“LT’s wife,” He whispers back, “I talked to her on the phone when LT called. She introduced herself. She said her name is Laura”

“Oh,” I say.

I knew LT was married. She always wore a ring. But any time she brought up her spouse, she would say those words exactly. ‘My spouse’ or ‘my partner’. She never put gender in it. And I always just assumed her spouse looked a certain way. I think we all did.

When we reach them, we show them the flowers and the card. Then we all go around and sign it with the pen I bought at the store, too.

When that’s done, Alvarez and I just stand up against the wall and quietly talk to one another. I have the bouquet and card resting on the floor for when Martinez and Raymond come back to sign.

We go from topic to topic and he tells me how he’s been doing at the group therapy.

“I think I’m really starting to like it,” He tells me. I’m shocked that he mentioned it with LT and 1SG so close by. At first he was scared to even bring the topic up out loud and we relegated to texting only.

“Yeah,” He says, “This week is all about forgiveness”

“You didn’t mention that to me in your texts,” I say quietly. He usually updates me when we talk to each other over text messaging.

“That’s because I’ve kind of been making this one pretty personal,” He admits.

“How so?” I ask.

A little smile comes across his face as if he’s thinking about something.

“I don’t know if I should tell you,” He says.

I don’t want to pry. So, I just say, “You don’t have to.”

He exhales.

“No, I should. Well, I apologized to Lopez,” He says.

My eyes widen in shock. Lopez and I don’t really talk anymore ever since the club incident. Even at formation, he barely addresses anything to me or my general direction. Instead he just talks to Goodwin and Martinez. They told me they don’t know why he keeps acting like that to me. They’ve told him to stop doing it multiple times. But he still does it.

“Yeah,” He whispers, “Today actually.”

“How did that go?” I ask and I have to bite my lip to keep from giggling. I can’t imagine Alvarez apologizing to anyone, let alone Lopez who he always feels in competition with.

“To be honest…pretty well,” Alvarez admits, “He’s actually a really cool guy. We might even start working out together”

I nearly choke.

“Really?” I ask.

Alvarez laughs at my facial expression.

“You’re not going to try to sabotage him for the next PT test again or anything are you?” I say wearily because I know how Alvarez’s mind works and I hope he’s not up to one of his old tricks and schemes again.

“No,” He chuckles, “I’m not going drop a weight on his foot or something”

“You sure?” I say as I lean forward and look him in the eyes. It’s something my mother used to do to me when I was little. She’d get really close to my face and say, “You sure about that?”. I think it was her funny way to see if I was lying or not. Because if I looked away guilty, she’d know. But if I laughed, she’d know I was telling the truth.

Alvarez though leans down and touches his nose with mine and stares back at me.

“Yes, I’m sure,” He says.

I pull away from him and laugh. He laughs, too.

“Who else have you been apologizing to?” I ask.

He gets quiet all of a sudden.

Then he sighs.

“Cabrera,” He whispers.

I look at him.

“I had a long talk with her at the beginning of this week. I told her that I’m sorry for all the things I put her through. And that I know how much she cares about me and I would never want anyone to play with my feelings like I did to her,” He says.

“Then, I broke up with her,” He continues.

My mouth drops open.

“What?!” I hiss.

“Alvarez, you’re a real jerk! You can’t do that to a girl!” I snap at him.

I watch his expression change to a look of amusement.

“Why are you laughing!” I cry, “You’re still being evil!”

I reach out and lightly tap his chest with my hand. But he surprises me and grabs it before I can pull it back. He holds my hand up to his face. And I feel uncomfortable because 1SG, LT, and LT’s wife are near us.

“I’m laughing because she told me that she’s already moved on with another guy who’s a higher rank, makes more money, doesn’t live in the barracks, has a bigger dick, a better car, and who she’s been fucking for the past three months. And that she doesn’t need a guy like me who treats her like shit anyway,” He continues, “So, technically. I got cheated on. And dumped. While trying to cheat and dump someone else”

I’m shocked.

“Bravo Cabrera,” I whisper, “Wait till Raymond heres this”

Alvarez laughs.

“So my heartache and pain is your girl talk, huh? That better car than me jab keeps me up at night,” He teases.

I giggle as he continues to press my hand up against his face.

“No,” I say, “I just think Raymond would like to hear that Cabrera finally grew a backbone and that she’s moved on with a better guy, one with a better car at that. She isn’t chasing a player anymore”

“So, I’m a player?” Alvarez muses.

“Yes,” I say.

“What constitutes as a player again?” He asks me.

I rack my brain. I mean, I’ve seen guys who use girls in multiple movies, shows, and read it about it in books.

“A guy who has more than one woman,” I say, “And cheats on them all”

Alvarez looks up at the ceiling and starts counting.

“What are you doing?” I laugh at how ridiculous he looks.

“I’m just trying to count all the girls I’ve been with recently,” He says.

I pull my hand back.

“Ew,” I say.

“But to be honest I haven’t been with not even one in the past three months,” He says.

My heart beat quickens.

“That’s a lie,” I murmur.

“You think I’d lie about something like that? I haven’t got laid it three months. That’s the longest I’ve went without sex,” He says.

“That’s a lie!” I tell him again

“I’m lying again?” He asks me with another amused look on his face.

“Basic and AIT?” I remind him.

He blinks.

“Yeah, no. I was having sex then, too,” He admits.

I feel taken aback.

“With who?” I whisper.

“Some of the girls, and even one of the Drill Sergeants and our instructor at AIT,” He looks kind of ashamed at least when he says this to me.

I shake my head in disbelief.

“How did I not pick up on that?” I whisper.

“Uh, because I kind of made sure it didn’t get back to you,” He says quietly, “I didn’t want the other girls telling you that I slept with them or the superiors incase that would make you not like me anymore”

I shake my head.

“Wow,” I whisper.

He looks at me.

“I’m really sorry, Majesty,” He tells me, “I was stupid and dumb and I wasn’t really thinking”

I don’t say anything.

“When I made one scheme, I just had to keep rolling with it. Until it snowballed into this huge, big thing that pushed you even further away from me. So, in the end I didn’t get what I wanted,” He continues.

“Same with my rank scheme,” His voice drops lower just in case 1SG or LT are listening, “Now look at me. Just a fucking fuzzball. Not even a PV2”

I sigh.

“What?” He asks me, “What are you thinking?”

“Honestly?” I ask him.

“Yeah,” He says.

“I’m just trying to imagine how you managed to have sex with a Drill Sergeant and our AIT instructor,” I whisper.

Alvarez laughs.

“Well, they were both kind of giving it to everybody…it was kind of a free for all,” He admits.

I close my eyes.

“Wow,” I say.

“But that’s all over now. My days of being young, dumb and free are gone. I’m basically a monk now,” He says, “All I have are my memories”

I burst out laughing and lightly hit him on the chest again.

“You’re so stupid!” I laugh, “And you are not a monk”

He takes hold of my hand again and I let him hold it.

“Need I remind you..Three. Whole. Months,” He repeats.

“That’s nothing,” I tell him, “Try going your whole life without it”

I immediately realize the implications of what I just said before I can even try to play it off.

Alvarez’s eyes study my face.

I pull my hand back.

“I mean some people are still virgins,” I say as I clear my throat, “They don’t have any other choice but to not do it”

“Yeah,” He says, “You’re right. At least I’m not like them.”

I laugh, but it doesn’t reach my lips. It sounds fake. Even to me.

“Yeah,” I say.

There’s a long pause and I feel my heart beating and my hands start to sweat. Why did I just say that? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“So, when did you lose your’s?” Alvarez whispers.

I stare at the ground.

“That’s not really something I’m comfortable talking about,” I say and I sound defensive. I know I do.

“Why? I’m not going to judge you,” He says gently.

“Because I’m a girl and my mother taught me girl’s don’t talk about their sexual life with boys,” I snap. Maybe he’ll take that as the hint and just drop it.

We both don’t say anything for awhile.

“I think I was twelve,” Alvarez says suddenly.

I look at him.

“Twelve?” Even I can’t help but think that is too young. At twelve, I was still playing with my dolls and watching cartoons.

“Yeah,” He says, “Actually…I know I was twelve. I guess I only said think because people either think I’m lying or they say it was rape when I tell them that”

My heart drops. Did he rape someone?

“Why would they think it was rape?” I ask.

“Maybe because the girl was way older. Actually, she one of my dad’s girlfriend’s,” He says.

“She was supposed to be watching me while my dad was overseas,” He says, “My uncle had joint custody on paper, but really I mostly just stayed at the house by myself a lot”

I already don’t like where this story is going.

“Her name is Carole. She was always really nice to me. And super hot. But at the time I was just happy to have a kind of stepmom…sort of,” He continues, “But yeah. After the night we fucked, I didn’t want her as my mom anymore”

He looks at me as if that last part is a joke and it makes everything ok.

I feel like I could find Carole and have her arrested for raping a child.

“You never told your dad?” I ask.

“No,” Alvarez says, “Whenever he was gone…I was kind of like his replacement. She never wanted to fool around with me when he was home though. Which kind of sucked for me because I grew up being fat all throughout middle school and no girls would look my way then. So, I’d have to wait until he got deployed again to get some. I didn’t start working out and losing my weight until I got to High School”

“You’re not even supposed to be having sex in middle school,” I tell him, “You were still a kid”

“Yeah,” Alvarez shrugs, “I guess I just got lucky”

Or you were groomed. But I don’t want to tell him that. I remember my mom would always tell me about not letting anyone touch me or kiss me or vice versa. And when I was in middle school I got really into the R&B singer Aaliyah because my mom had her CDs. But whenever I begged my mom to let me listen to Aaliyah’s older music from before she started making music with Timbaland and Missy Elliot, she forbade me not to. She told me she didn’t want me listening to anything that RKelly had to do with. Even when my sixth grade graduation decided they were going to use “I Believe I Can Fly”, she sat me out from walking the stage.

“When did it stop?” I ask, “Did your dad eventually break up with her?”

Alvarez laughs.

“No, they’re still together,” He says.

I nearly choke.

“Yeah, I see her whenever I go back home. Sometimes she’ll try to come on to me again when my dad’s asleep or something. He’s kind of sickly now. Has a bad back from the service, but he gets 100% disability. So, of course she’s going to stay with him. But I never take her up on it. I mean, she was nice for when I was a younger but now I have way more experience. Especially since I’ve been away,” He says it like it is the most natural thing in the world.

But I am livid.

“We need to call the cops,” I say although I know I’m not making any sense.

“We need to get her put in jail! She raped you!” I hiss.

Alvarez chuckles.

“Calm down, Majesty. She didn’t rape me,” He says.

I shake my head furiously.

“No, she took advantage of you! Of a child!” My voice goes up a little at that last part.

Alvarez whispers, “It’s ok, Majesty. Really. I’m fine”

“No, you’re not fine,” I whisper back, “You were molested and raped since you were twelve years old”

Alvarez blinks.

“Not entirely,” He says, “Like I said. I actually enjoyed some of it. Especially when I got older”

My stomach sinks. I feel like I’m dealing with a abuse survivor. Someone who won’t admit that the person they trust or love is actually an abuser. And then it hits me that that is exactly what I am dealing with. Alvarez is a abuse survivor.

“Look, I’m fine Majesty,” He tells me, “I swear.”

I feel tears trickle down my face.

Alvarez notices and he holds me by the shoulders.

“Hey, don’t cry, ok,” He says softly.

He holds my face in his hands and takes his thumbs and swipes them across my eyes.

“But…” I whisper, “I can’t help it”

“I wish I was there to protect you from all of that,” I tell him.

He laughs.

“I’m serious,” I say.

He smiles.

“I know,” He says.

He keeps holding my face and rubbing his thumbs over my eyelids until I feel like I am not as sad anymore.

“You ok?” He asks me after awhile.

I nod my head.

“You sure?” He asks and he leans in really close to me and searches my eyes. I realize he’s copying what I did to him.

I laugh. Then I lean in and press my nose against his. I look him back in the eyes.

“Yes,” I say.

He smiles and then we pull away from each other, but as we do he silently grabs my hand.

He just holds it this time. Our fingers intertwined. And we stand like that for awhile. Just quietly holding one another’s hand.

“I remember those days,” I hear LT’s wife, Laura say.

I look over at her.

“Excuse me, ma’am?” I ask.

She beams at me and Alvarez.

“The early days,” She says, “It’s one of the best stages of a relationship”

LT and the 1SG laugh.

“So, you’re saying it’s all downhill from here?” Alavrez asks just as I’m about to open my mouth and tell her that she’s got the wrong idea. That Alvarez and I are not together.

“No, not at all,” Laura tells him, “It actually only gets better when you find the right one”

“How do you know when it’s the right one?” Alvarez wonders.

“When you get more comfortable but nothing ever changes,” She says matter of factly. Then she and the LT squeeze each other's hand.

Alvarez does the same to mine.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Martinez and Raymond come back with a gift of their own for Bennett and Sawyer. A journal and a prayer book.

They sign the card that Alvarez and I bought. Then after awhile, Laura knocks gently on the door and asks if we can all come back in.

When we go back inside the room, Sawyer has taken Raymond’s place on the bed beside Bennett. And she’s resting. As in asleep with her arms around him. He has his arm over her, and he looks better than he did when I first saw him.

I place the lilies on the bedside table and present Sawyer with the card. He smiles at me when I hand it to him.

“I appreciate that Wilkins,” He says and it isn’t fake. He really does.

Martinez puts the journal on the bedside and Raymond also leaves the journal.

I decide to leave the pen, too. Just incase Bennett wakes up and wants to write when she sees her gifts.

“I just wanted to thank every single one of you from the bottom of my heart for showing up here and being there for us tonight,” Sawyer says.

His eyes well up a little but he continues.

“I don’t know what Bennett or I would have done if we didn’t have you guys.”
Laura reaches out and touches his shoulder.

“Hey, we’re a team,” She tells him, “One team. One fight”

And by the way she says it I do suspect that she really is part of the Army too.

We all leave Bennett and Sawyer to go back to our own rooms for the night.

As we head out to the parking lot though, Alvarez stops me, Martinez, and Raymond.

“Is it ok if I take Wilkins back on base?” He asks.

I look at him. When did I say I was going to ride with him. But he doesn’t meet my eyes.

Martinez and Raymond look at me.

“Do you want to ride with Alvarez instead?” Martinez asks since she is the one that brought me.

“Um,” I look at Alvarez. I think about all that we talked about tonight.

“Yeah,” I say, “If you don’t mind”

I don’t want Martinez to feel offended in anyway. She didn’t have to be here tonight. Bennett is her friend, but really Bennett is my best friend and roommate. And since I can’t drive, she did me a favor by giving me a ride.

“No, it’s fine,” Martinez assures me.

“Ok,” I say.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you guess later,” I tell her and Raymond.

“Night guys,” I say as I follow Alvarez to his car.

“Night,” Martinez waves at me.

“Nighty night,” Raymond says and then adds, “Don’t give him no head tonight!”

She cackles as she hurries and runs to her car.

I feel embarrassed but Alvarez just laughs.

“She’s funny,” He tells me as he unlocks the car door and opens the passenger side for me.
I get in.

“Sometimes too funny,” I tell him.

Chapter Thirty-four

Alvarez drives in silence.

Not even the music is on. But somehow, I feel comfortable. I even begin to fall asleep in the car just listening to the sound of the car rolling along, whizzing by, and how every now and then Alvarez will use the stick shift or turn his signal light on.

When I wake up I realize we are parked in the parking lot already at the barracks.

“Sorry,” I tell him as I stretch in my seat and take off my seatbelt, “I guess I’m still tired. It’s been a long night”

It really has. I woke up to use the bathroom and thought that Bennett was killed. But then I find out she had a miscarriage instead and that she’s been in a secret relationship with Sawyer this whole time.

“No worries,” Alvarez says, “Let me walk you to your room”

He gets out and opens my door for me. And we walk side by side to my barrack room.

Once I get to my door, I turn to face him.

“I’m really glad you were there tonight,” I tell him.

Alvarez sighs.

“Well, I had to be. Sawyer’s my best friend and he just lost what he thought was going to be his first child,” He tells me.

My heart swells when I realize that whatever little life that was growing in Bennett’s belly is diminished now.

“I can’t imagine how I would feel if I lost my baby,” I whisper.

Alvarez shakes his head.

“Yeah, I would lose it,” He says.

I look at him.

“You want kids?” I don’t know why this surprises me.

He laughs.

“Yeah,” He says, “I want a shit ton”

I don’t know why but that makes me smile. I can imagine a bunch of baby Alvarez’s running around with his tan skin, dark hair, and dark brown eyes.

“Do you want kids?” He asks me.

“Yes,” I say, “But after I finish college and get married”

“Only then?” He asks me.

I nod my head.

“Why not now?” He asks.

“Because I want to be able to provide for them,” I say, “I saw my mother struggle and I don’t want that for me or my babies”

“But you’re in the Army,” He says, “You provide for them”

I snort.

“Well, I don’t want to be a single mother,” I tell him, “And my plan isn’t to make a career. I’m just doing my four years”

Alvarez frowns.

“Well what if you married a guy that was going to stay in the Army?” He asks, “What about then?”

I suddnely realize that this conversation is getting too deep.

“I’m too young to get married now anyway,” I say, trying to deflect.

“You’re nineteen,” He says.

“Yeah. Only one year out of High School. I’m still kind of a kid myself,” I say.

“But you’re not a kid. Not legally,” He reminds me.

I sigh.

“I’m just not ready for marriage any time soon,” I say.

He looks upset.

“What’s the point of waiting?” He asks me, “Whether you get married at nineteen or thirty? What’s the difference?”

“Maturity,” I tell him, “My parents had me when they were young and my mother tells me all the time how immature and unprepared they were”

“But what about if you really love that person you want to spend the rest of your life with them regardless?” He asks.

I laugh.

“Nothing lasts when you’re a teenager,” I say, “Not even in your twenties. This time is all about exploring and just having fun”

Alvarez’s brows furrow.

“So, you’re saying what you’re going to do is just go to college and date a whole bunch of other guys after you leave here?” He asks me.

I feel like he’s being judgemental.

“That’s not what i said,” I say as I cross my arms.

“Yeah, it is. You basically just said you’re going to spend your twenties partying and fucking every guy you can,” He says.

I tap my foot, because now I am annoyed.

“And? What’s wrong with that? Men do it all the time,” I say, “You’ve done it!”

I remember that he is one year older than me. He’s already living his roaring 20s. He already told me how he’s slept with so many girls from Basic, to AIT, to here.

“Well, women are different then guys,” He says.

“How so? We’re both human!” I say.

“Guys need to have sex, girls don’t,” Alvarez says as if it is scientifically proven.

“Are you being serious?” I ask him.

“Girls like having sex just as much as guys do,” I say, “Sometimes, they even need it just as much as guys do. It’s just we are more picky and have more control over who we sleep with”

Alvarez looks at me.

“How many guys have you slept with?” He asks and his voice sounds kind of low.

“None of your business,” I say because I already told him that I don’t talk about things like that.

“Did you sleep with anyone here yet?” He asks.

What? Where is he even coming up with this at?

“What does that have to do with anything?” I snap.

“I just want to know,” He says.

“Why, so you can beat them up like you did Lopez? You’re not my boyfriend Alvarez. We’re just friends,” I remind him, “You don’t own me”

I feel like this is the night at the club all over again.

He stares at me for a long time.

And then his eyes get that glazed look again. The one that always scares me.

“Can I come in?” He asks me and his voice sounds really, dangerously low.

I like my lips and I realize that my foot is tapping on the ground, but not because I’m mad anymore. But because I’m shaking.

“N-No,” I say.

“Why not?” He asks.

Because I don’t know what you’re going to do to me. I want to say. His eyes looks like he wants to murder me.

“I-I-I have to clean up,” I say, “Bennett’s blood from the miscarriage is still on the floor. And her sheets are all messed up”

Alvarez keeps staring at me.

I lick my lips and look away.

“I’ll help you,” He says.

“N-no I can do it,” I say shakily.

“Alone,” I add.

Then he steps forward and grabs my hand again like he did tonight. I watch as he brings it up to his face and presses his lips against my palm. He kisses my hand for a long time.

And I can feel the buzzing. Low. Kind of quiet. But there nonetheless.

He kisses my finger tips.

“God, you don’t know how much I want you,” Alvarez says quietly, “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you”

I feel my hand shake in his.

And my heart feels like its about to make bullet hole inside of my chest.

I might throw up if he doesn’t let me go.

“Can I show you something?” He asks me gently.

His voice sounds softer and less pushy right now. He actually kind of sounds needy.

“W-what?” I ask as my hand continues to shake in his.

He takes my hand and brings it down to his crotch area. Then he places it there and holds it.

“This is what you do to me,” He whispers and he looks me dead in the eyes, “This is what happens every time I’m around you, every time I see you, if I even think about you. You’ve got me so pent up, I don’t think I can take it anymore. Sometimes I think about just grabbing you in front of the whole unit”

The buzzing gets loud as hell now.

I try to swallow, but my mouth is so dry I can’t even manage to do it.

“R-rape isn’t sexy, Alvarez,” I tell him.

Alvarez finally lets my hand go. And I pull it back like I’ve just touched a flame.

“I would never do that to you,” He says softly.

I’m still shaking, but I believe him.

“I know,” I whisper.

My mind is telling me all sorts of things. Run. Stay. Let him come in. Don’t let him come in.

I don’t know what I want.

Finally I decide to just make a choice.

“Ok, you can come in” I say, “But only for a little while”

Chapter Thirty-Five.

Once I let Alvarez in my room again and close the door…I instantly know that I’ve made a mistake.

Because the way he grabs me and throws me on to my bed kind of scares me.

He gets ontop of me and kisses me. And it’s not soft, loving kisses. But deep, hungry ones. Like he’s smashing his lips against mine.

And he holds me down by my wrists. He’s so much more stronger than me that I feel like I am being restrained.

I try to call his name a few times, but even that isn’t getting through to him.

Then he starts unzipping my pants. When my hands are free though, I try to slap his back and get his attention. But whatever kind of mindset he’s in that’s focused on taking off my clothes just causes him to ignore me.

He pulls off my jeans and throws them on the floor. I’ve never been in my undies in front of a boy before. And I’m not even wearing good ones. I’m wearing cotton, granny panties with polka dots on them. But that doesn’t even seem to phase him.

I try to sit up but he pushes me back down again.

The only thing playing in my mind is “What the hell is going on?”.

I want to yell and tell him to stop. But I’m afraid that someone might hear and think that he actually is raping me. Which kind of feels like he is doing, but I don’t want to believe he would do that to me. He just said he would never do that to me.

He smashes his lips against mine again and forces his tongue into my mouth. But I turn my face away. I try to push him off of me again. But this time he pins my hands over my head with one arm and with the other, he reaches in between my legs.

I feel him shove his finger inside of me.

I yelp.

“Oh baby,” He whispers in my ear. His breath hot and heavy.

Oh baby? He thinks I’m enjoying this? That was a cry of pain.

I’ve never been fingered before. Not even by my own hands. And I haven’t even had a pap smear exam, so nothing’s been inside of me before.

My mother’s words come to me.

Only fast girls have sex before marriage.

This is exactly what I get for letting a boy into my room.

Great.

Now I’m going to be date raped by a guy I really like.

Eventually I don’t have the effort to fight anymore.

Instead I whisper into Alvarez’s ear.

“Alvarez, stop,” I beg, “Please”

And somehow…it’s as if I said the magic words. He removes his finger and lets go of my hands. Then he lifts himself off of me.

I sit up. I feel really shaken.

I can’t believe that just happened.

“Majesty, what’s wrong?” He asks me.

I look at him.

“I didn’t like that,” I tell him.

It goes super quiet.

The silence lasts too long.

I scariedly look at him.

His face is distorted.

“Christopher?” I whisper shakily.

What is he thinking?

He quickly buries his face in his hands.

“Shit, Majesty. I’m sorry,” He says quietly, “I didn’t know. I thought you were….”

His voice trails off.

I know what he is trying to say.

Then I turn towards him.

I grab his face and force him to look at me again.

I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him.

I do.

“It’s just…I kind of imagined my first time a little bit differently,” I tell him quietly.

His eyes go wide at what I just told him.

He searches my face like he did at the hospital.

Then he leans forward and softly presses his lips against mine.

Then he does it again. And again. And again. Like the first time he kissed me.

“I’m sorry,” He whispers as he reaches out and rubs my shoulders, “I was being way too rough with you”

I look down in embarrassment.

“Maybe once I get more experienced we can try that again, but for tonight I was kind of thinking maybe you could make love to me instead?” I ask him.

I look at his eyes again.

And I’m surprised to see that he looks a little afraid.

“What’s the matter?” I ask him.

He let’s go of me and shakes his head.

“I don’t think I know how to do that,” He admits and his face looks ashamed, “I’ve never made love to a girl before”

I’m kind of confused.

“But you said you had sex…” I say.

“Yeah, I have. And that’s exactly what it was. Just sex. I’ve never really been with a girl I really cared about,” He says.

I blink.

“So all the sex you’ve had before was like that,” I say. And by that he knows I mean what just happened.

“Yeah or just regular old sex,” He says.

“What do you mean by regular?” I ask.

“You know,” He says, “Like in the bathroom or in the backseat or something”

That’s regular?

“Well, maybe we could watch some porn together and find out how to do it where it’s more soft and gentle,” I say.

Alvarez laughs.

“What kind of porn is soft and gentle?” He asks me.

I feel embarrassed now.

“Well, I mean…what about like in the movies, shows, or in the books? Haven’t you seen those sex scenes before or read about that kind of more sensual love?” I ask.

Now his brain is working.

“You mean like in Troy?” He asks me, “Or 300?”

My mind flashes back to those movies. And I think I know the scenes he’s talking about. But both of those scenes are sort of rape scenes.

“Uh, not quite as forceful,” I say.

“Like Love and Basketball,” I throw out my examples.

Alvarez laughs.

“I’ve never even heard of that movie,” He says.

“You’ve never heard of Love and Basketball?” I ask, surprised.

“No,” He says.

“The movie with Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan,” I continue.

“Majesty,” Alvarez tells me in amusement, “I’ve never even heard of those actors”

He takes my hand and kisses my palm.

But I’m still shocked.

I guess he wouldn’t know who they are. I suddenly realize with my hand in his how different our skin tones are. He’s more like an olive tone. And I’m dark as purple.

It dawns on me that maybe dating someone who isn’t from the same ethnic background as me might be difficult. Especially if we haven’t had the same experiences or can even reference the same movies.

But I remind myself that even Raymond knows about things that I don’t know about. Even if I dated someone of the same background or similar background as me, our experiences wouldn’t be 100 percent shared.

I take my hand back and get up out of the bed. Then I reach for my jeans that he threw down earlier. As I bend over to pick them up, though I hear Alvarez let out a groan.

I turn to look at him.

“What was that?” I ask him.

He shakes his head.

“Sorry, it’s just my balls are really starting to hurt,” He says.

I burst out laughing. His balls?

Alvarez chuckles at the silliness of that statement, too.

“Don’t say balls,” I beg.

“What else do you want me to say? My sac?”

I shiver.

“Not that, either,” I tell him.

I grab my phone out of my jean pocket and then sit down next to him on the bed.

“Why are your…” I can’t think of the word to call it that I like. The two bags on his junk? Willie? Package?

“...testicles on your penis hurting?” I decide on the proper term instead.

Alvarez laughs at that. But he does look like he’s in some kind discomfort.

“Because I haven’t blown my load…I mean, because I haven’t ejaculated yet,” He says and corrects himself mid sentence to follow in my lead.

He gives me a smile when he does that.

I laugh.

“Oh,” I say.

As in…he’s testicles hurt because I stopped him before he could blow his load inside me? It finally hits me that I don’t know anything about what I’m doing.

“Well, this will be quick,” I tell him, “I swear. I just want to show you kind of what I had in mind and then we can get back to what we were doing”

Alvarez looks at me and smiles.

“I’ve never been with a girl like you before,” He comments.

“Like what?” I ask.

“One that’s so understanding and open,” He says.

My heart warms. And I lean in to kiss him on the lips. Just a small peck.

Then I unlock my phone, go to private mode, and start searching for the video I want to show him.

I find it on some dirty website, and I turn the screen so we can both watch it.

It is the love scene from Love and Basketball. Whe Omar Epps’ character takes Sanaa Lathan’s character’s virginity.

I quickly glance at Alvarez to see his reaction. And he actually looks totally focused on the screen.

When it gets to the part where they are about to do the do, Omar Epps’ character stops to grab and put on a condom.

Holy shit!!!

I totally forgot that!

“Do you have any condoms,” I ask Alvarez as I pause the video.

He looks at me and gives me a ashamed smile.

“No,” He admits.

I nearly drop my phone from my hands.

“What?!” I snap.

“Yeah,” He said, “I didn’t bring any with my tonight”

“So what were you going to do? Just go at it raw?” I ask him. I’m really furious.

“I mean, yeah…kind of,” He mutters.

I shake my head.

“I just told you that I don’t want to get pregnant. We just had this exact conversation. And we just came from two of our closest friends having a miscarriage. And yet you were going to just cum inside of me?” I ask him.

Alvarez shakes his head.

“No,” He says, “I was going to pull out Majesty. It’s a thing guys do right before they cum. I wasn’t going to get you pregnant”

Somehow I don’t really know if I believe him. Maybe he was up to his scheming ways again. I think about how angry he got when I told him that I don’t want to get married of have kids any time soon. What if his plan was to just impregnante me anyway?

“You swear?” I ask him.

“Yes,” He says.

Then I lean in close to him.

“Are you sure?” I ask him as I look into his eyes.

He presses his nose against mine and looks at me back.

“Yes, I’m sure,” He says.

I pull back. He’s either a good liar…which he is and has been in the past…or he’s telling the truth. My heart makes the decision for me.

“Ok,” I say and I press play again on the video.

We get to the part where Omar Epps’ character is on top of Sanaa Lathan’s and he asks her if she wants him to stop.

I pause the video again and grab at my heart.

“This is my favorite part,” I tell Alvarez.

He looks at me.

“The part when he finally goes inside?” He asks.

“Nooooo,” I say, “The part where he asks if she wants him to stop”

Alvarez looks confused.

“Why is that your favorite part?” He asks.

“Because it’s like he cares enough about her where if she doesn’t want to do it anymore, he’ll stop,” I say and I get a dreamy smile on my face.

Alvarez looks at me.

“Why do I feel like you wish Omari was in here right now instead of me?” He asks.

I laugh.

“You mean Omar,” I correct him.

“And, I guess I’ve kind of been dreaming about this as my first time ever since I first saw this scene. This was one of the first movies my mom would let me watch by myself alone,” I tell him.

“I guess because they practice safe sex and the guy really loves her,” I continue.

Alvarez looks at me in the eyes.

“I really love you,” He tells me.

I smile.

“I know you do,” I say quietly, “Or else you wouldn’t be in here right now”

Alvarez gets that glaze look. I actually see the change happen right as he does. It’s like his eyes go from dark brown to pitch black. He grabs the phone out of my hand and places it on the floor.

Then he kisses me.

I kiss him back and this time it feels really good when his tongue enters my mouth. Our tongues swirl around each other and he gently places his hand on the side of my face. He pulls back and looks me in the eyes.

“Can I make love to you?” He asks me.

I feel a shiver go down my spine and the buzzing starts at a low hum.

“Y-yeah,” I tell him.

He smiles.

“Will you take your top off?” He asks, “I want to see you naked”

I feel nervous but I lift my top over my head and drop it on the floor. Now I’m sitting in nothing but my bra and undies. Thankfully, though I’m wearing a nice white pushup bra.

Alvarez looks me up and down. His eyes linger on every inch of me. As if he’s searching for something. I’m trying my best not to feel self conscious but it is kind of hard.

“Wow,” He says quietly, “You look even better than I thought you would”

Hearing that actually makes me feel warm inside.

“Is it ok if I take off your bra?” He asks.

I nod my head. I turn around with my back facing him and let him unhook the clasps. It’s like a pop when he finally gets them undown and the bra sags on my chest. I take off the straps and toss it on the floor, too.

Then I turn around to face him. Alvarez’s eyes get even darker. And I wonder what he’s thinking as he stares at my breasts. Are they too lop sided? Too small? Too dark?

But he reaches out and gently cups them in his hands. The buzzing starts screaming between my legs because his hands feel so warm and so fucking good. I press my thighs together just in case I’m not the only one who can hear it.

For some reason that day at Basic when I was struggling with my bag comes to my mind. And how I saw Alvarez’s hands reach over mine to help me.

I suddenly place my hands over his and press down on them to get him to squeeze my breasts.

I tilt my head back.

“Do you like that?” He asks and I look at him. He seems to be studying the expression on my face.

I nod my head.

“Yeah,” I admit and I move my hands to rub them up and down his arms.

“Can you do it again?” I ask.

And he does. He squeezes both my breasts and I get another jolt in between my legs. It feels so good that I think this might be all I want him to do tonight to me. Just squeeze my breasts every few seconds.

I keep rubbing up and down his arms and pressing my thighs together every time he gives my breasts a squeeze.

Finally I don’t know why but I just want to kiss his hands for being so good to my breasts. And I lean my chin down to kiss the tops of his fingers.

Alvarez lets out a low groan.

“If you keep rubbing my arms and kissing me like this, I think I might lose it,” He says and to my disappointment he takes his hands off of my chest.

I feel like I’ve done something wrong.
But he reaches out and strokes my face.

“Lay back,” He tells me.

I lay down on my back with my head on my pillow and watch as he stands up.

He takes off his shirt to my surprise. And my eyes nearly pop out of my head when I see his body.

I knew he was fit. He makes 300s on his PT test every time. But I had no idea he was this fit. He doesn’t look like a body builder or anything. But I can see his muscles which are usually hidden most of the time. Even in those tight PT shirts. And he has a sick pack. I can’t help but sit up.

“What?” He asks me, alarmed.

I don’t know how to tell him this but I decide to just say it.

“You look like a Greek god,” I admit. And that’s exactly how he does. Like one of those greek or roman statues.

Alvarez chuckles.

“Thanks,” He says and he leans forward to kiss me.

I can’t help but reach out to touch his chest. I’ve touched it before, but never up close and personal like this. His a little bit of dark hair covering it, but it doesn’t gross me out. Instead it makes him look more mature. Even though he is only a year older than me.

“Is this ok?” I ask him as I rub his chest hair.

His eyes are glazed over and he nods his head.

I curl my fingers into his chest hair and stroke it like it’s a pet or something. Then I take my other hand and lightly poke one of his six packs.

Alvarez let’s out a laugh.

“Sorry,” I say embarrasedly, “I’ve never seen one up close before”

He smiles at me. Then he grabs my hand, spreads out my fingers, and rubs my entire palm up and down his stomach. It feels so hard and perfect.

“How long did it take to do all of this?” I ask him in awe. I suddenly feel like he is out of my league. I didn’t know Alvarez’s body was this nice.

“Years,” He admits, “I started taking it seriously in High School, though”

I shake my head.

“I can train you if you want,” He offers.

I shake my head.

“I’m not good at physical stuff,” I tell him as I pull my hand from his grasp.

Alvarez looks at me and kisses my forehead.

“Well, let’s hope that’s a lie,” He says and my heart beat quickens as I catch on to what he means.

Maybe I can be good at that at least. Maybe that will be the only execericse I can do well.

He then shocks me when he pulls down his shorts and his boxers with them.

I can’t help it, I instinctively look away and cover my eyes before I see anything. My hand goes out infront as to censor him.

“What’s wrong?” Alvarez asks again, “Do you want me to keep my boxers on?”

Yes! I want to say that. I mean, I still have my panties on. I didn’t know we were getting butterball naked.

I still have my eyes closed but I take my hand away.

“Um, no. I’ve just never seen a boy’s willy before,” I say.

And then I realize what I just said.

My eyes open in shock.

Alvarez is laughing.

I am not five years old. Why did I call it his willy?

But opening my eyes is a big mistake, because there it is right in front of me in full display.

And it doesn’t look right.

I mean, I can tell that it is a penis. But it looks really glossy for some reason and it’s pointing upward. I can see a patch of dark hair leading down towards it.

I am kind of intrigued.

“Why is it sitting up like that?” I ask Alvarez.

He laughs.

“It means I really, really like you,” He says.

I feel warm again when he says that.

“Do you want me to keep it out?” Alvarez asks.

I can see he is studying the expression on my face.

“Yes,” I say quietly.

Then I ask, “Can I touch it?”

His eyes widen a little bit.

He nods.

I can see he really wants me to do it as well.

I reach out and first I just brush my finger tips upward on the length of it in the direction it is pointing.

Alvarez groans and some clear liquid pushes out of the tip of it.

I realize that just like women, men must get wet too.

I reach down and notice his testicles that we were talking about earlier.

I giggle.

“What?” Alvarez asks me with amusement.

I reach down and brush my finger tips along those too. They kind of look like boobs in a way.

“Do they still hurt?” I ask him.

Alvarez nods.

“Can I squeeze them?” I ask.

Alvarez licks his lips.

“Yeah,” He tells me.

I take my hand and cup them and gently give them a squeeze. When I look up to see Alvarez’s face, his eyes are closed.

“Is that ok?” I ask him.

“Yeah,” He says, but his voice sounds hoarse.

Suddenly, it dawns on me that I am probably not the first person to touch him like this.

I remove my hand as if I’ve been stung.

Alvarez notices and he opens eyes immediately once I pull away from him.

I draw my knees close to my chest.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

I’m quiet for awhile.

What is wrong?

I think of Cabrera.

I think of Escalante.

Our AIT Teacher, for pete’s sake.

Some of our Drill Sergeants.

And who knows how many other girls.

Alvarez might be the first person to touch me, but I’m not the first person to touch him.

Carole’s name pops into my head as well. Although I would rather drink poison than label her anything other than the predator she is.

“Do you have any STDs?” I ask instead. Because if he’s been with all of these girls, who knows who they have all been with.

Alvarez looks relieved for some reason.

“No, of course not,” He tells me.

“But you can’t be sure…”I say, “Unless you’ve been tested”

Alvarez chuckles.

“I’m pretty sure I would know,” He says.

Why do guys just treat sex so casually like this?

“Christopher, you didn’t even bring a condom tonight and you were about to stick your dick in me without any protection. And this is our first time having sex,” I say bluntly.

He looks at me. He can tell that I’m serious now because I use his first name.

“Majesty, I would never infect you with anything. I would never try to give you any kind of disease. The only reason I didn’t bring a condom tonight is because I didn’t know this was going to happen and I haven’t been laid in the past three months, so I stopped carrying them,” He says.

“Why wouldn’t you keep some in your car? Or your wallet? For emergencies?” I say. I don’t believe him.

“It sounds to me like you just always have sex without one,” I snap.

Isn’t he the one who was telling me about how he can just pull out?

Alvarez rubs his hand up and down his face.

“I used to do that,” He says quietly, “But that was before I stopped having sex. I decided that I didn’t need them anymore, so I threw them all away”

Stopped having sex?

“You mean abstinence?” I ask.

I didn’t think Alvarez was the religious type.

“Sort of,” He said, “I mean, really it just became pointless. I didn’t want to have sex with any other girl. Just one girl. But she didn’t want me. So, using my hand was better than having sex with some random chick who I wouldn’t probably remember her name in the morning, or with someone like Cabrera who I’m just stringing along”

I look down at my bed spread.

“Majesty,” Alvarez, “I only want to have sex with you from now on”

My heart beat starts going way too fast again. And the buzzing zaps me in between my legs.

I lean back on the bed and rest my head on my pillow.

“Ok,” I whisper, “I’m ready”

Chaptery Forty

The bed squeaks as Alvarez gets ontop of me. He hovers over me for a second before leaning back.

“Can we take your panties off?” He asks.

I’m kind of hesistant. But I did tell him that I was ready. And he is completely naked. So, I might as well get there, too.

I start to lift my hips off the bed, but Alvarez helps me out and just slides my underwear down my legs. Then he tosses them to the ground. My legs are open and for a second he just looks down there at me.

“Wow,” He whispers.

“W-what?” I ask.

“I’ve never made a girl this wet before,” He says.

Then he cups his hand over my entire vagina.

My heart screams. My body screams. I think maybe I even scream. If not out loud then in my mind.

“Damn,” Alvarez says as he takes his hand off of me.

My breathing hitches and I try to relax myself. Be calm. I tell my mind. He just touched me.

He positions himself over me again, but this time his hands are planted forward on either side of my head. And his body is hovering on top of me. My legs are still open, and I can feel something poking at my entrance.

Ok. Ok. Ok. I tell myself. This is really about to happen.

But for some reason, even though I want it to happen. It won’t. Alvarez keeps trying to push himself into me, but the only thing that will go in is the tip of his penis. Which, although it feels good. It’s not enough for him to really say he made love to me.

He suggests we try a different angle. So he tells me to move onto my side and lift my leg up. But even that is the same. I want it so badly though that I think I’m going to cry if he isn’t able to put all of himself in me.

But Alvarez isn’t as frustrated as me. He suggests that we do something else instead and that maybe it is just going to take us time to get to a point where I can take all of him inside of me. I don’t really want to hear him say that because all of the movies, tv shows, and books make it seem like when you want it to happen…it just happens.

“Maybe something’s wrong with me,” I worry.

Alvarez strokes my leg.

“No,” He says reassuringly, “It’s probably just because you’ve never had sex before”

“Have you ever tried sticking anything in yourself?”

I sit up in the bed once he says that.

Earlier when he was being really rough with me, he managed to stick his finger inside of me. I tell him this and suggest that maybe he should just try to force himself in. Maybe doing it the gentle way isn’t going to work. Not if we want to do it tonight.

But Alvarez doesn’t like this idea. He says he’s scared that he’s going to scare me or hurt me. But I tell him that if I want him to stop that I’ll just tell him again like I did last time.

I feel bad though when I keep begging him to do it and he keeps refusing.

“You make me seem like I’m the evil one,” I say as I give up in defeat after he tells me once again that he’s not comfortable with just forcing himself inside of me.

He chuckles.

A light flickers in my head after I say this though.
Maybe I should be evil.

What would evil Alvarez do if he wanted to have sex but couldn’t?

I give Alvarez a smile.

And he seems to know that something is going on in my mind.

I kiss him really passionately and wrap my arms around him.

Then I pull him down on top of me.

“I want you,” I whimper to him as I look up at him. I pull his face down towards me and kiss him again.

“Don’t you want me?” I ask him as I break away.

I don’t know what has come over me. But I really want to lose my virginity tonight. I don’t want to wait.

“You know I do,” He says. And that glazed look comes over his eyes.

I reach my hand down and grab his penis. Then I angle it towards my opening and rub it along my labia.

“Then why won’t you do it?” I ask. My voice doesn’t sound like myself.

I feel like I’m mimicking someone. But I don’t know who.

Then it hits me. Lela Rochon in Harlem Nights if she wasn’t so high pitched. I remember my mom used to let me watch the movie with her and she would always comment how Lela was playing a black Marilyn Monroe type of character who just so happened to be a hooker.

“You know I want to,” Alvarez says. His voice sounds gruff.

“Please,” I beg him, “Please, Christopher?”

He looks down in between my legs to see what my hand is doing. I instinctively started stroking my fingers up and down his penis like how I was rubbing his arms earlier.

He groans.

“Majesty,” His voice sounds like a warning, however.

“If you don’t fuck me tonight, I’m never going to let you get another chance to fuck me ever again,” I tell him.

Where is this coming from? But at this point I no longer care about making love. I just want to feel him inside of me.

He stares at me as if to try to gauge how serious I am with that statement.

“I’m going to find someone else instead”

That really does it.

He practically flips me over when I say that. And it’s really rough. Just like earlier.

My plan is working.

I lay on my stomach with my face on the side of my pillow. But when I look back at him, I see that he’s furiously stroking his penis.

I watch in awe as he keeps going up and down, up and down until his hand becomes a blur. And then he grunts and turns away from me but I can see some creamy, white substance coming out of his genitalia.

What just happened?

Well, I thought my plan was working.

He breathes heavily, then grabs my cover and starts wiping at his hands and his penis.

I’m really upset, because I can tell his penis isn’t pointing up anymore. Instead it looks deflated. How am I supposed to lose my virginity tonight with that?

“Why did you do that?” I whine.

Alvarez doesn’t answer me.

Instead when he looks at me, his eyes are angry.

Like he might murder me.

“No, why did you do that?” He retorts.

“What do you think you were doing? Saying all that shit to me?” He asked me.

I’m taken aback. I didn’t know that he didn’t like it. I thought he was enjoying it.

I feel like a child being scolded.

I look down.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. And I really am.

Alvarez shakes his head.

“I almost lost it, Majesty. You don’t understand what you do to me,” He says, “I could have really hurt you”

I look up at him.

“I told you I want you to,” I say gently, “If you would just give me what I want tonight, we don’t ever have to do it rough again”

Alvarez groans, but it’s not sexual at all.

“I need to get out of here before I do something we both regret,” He says.

I grab his arm, though as he tries to get up.

“Don’t leave,” I say.

I kiss him on the lips.

“I’ll behave, I promise,” I tell him.

He looks at me.

“You sure?” He asks me as he presses his nose against mine.

But this time I look away.

“Yes,” I lie.

XXXXXXxX

Alvarez stays, but we decide to get out of bed and work on cleaning up like I was going to do.

I give us each a pair of gloves, and he helps me clean up all the blood that is in the bathroom and that leads to Bennett’s door. Then we go to her room, and we strip Bennett’s bed and just decide to put all of her bloody sheets and cover in a trash bag for later. Then we clean up the blood that is in her room on her floor. And I straighten up her dressers and put clean sheets and a new blanket on her bed.

When we’re done, we make sure to wash our hands thoroughly and throw the gloves away. Then we went back into my room. I beg Alvarez to stay with me. Especially since it is a Saturday night and we don’t have PT in the morning.

I don’t know what time Bennett will be back, so I want someone with me. Or at least that is how I put it to him. But in the back of my head, I am scheming with my evil Alvarez mind.

He agrees though. And we decide that he should wear his boxers at least to prevent us from giving into any temptation. And although I try to get him to let me just wear my t-shirt to bed, he insists that I wear my sweat pants too because according to him he “still doesn’t trust me after the stunt I pulled”.

I don’t get why he was allowed to scheme on me. But the time I try to implement payback, and not even in a horrible way like the things he’s done, he gets all self righteous. I think I’ve been too much of a good influence on him. I’m starting to wonder if evil Alvarez even still exists, and if I hadn't seen him earlier when I first let Alvarez in the door, I probably would suspect hat he disappeared completely.

Alvarez lays back down in the bed with me. And he cradles me with his arms wrapped around my body.

“I don’t like it when you say you want to be with another guy,” He whispers in my ear suddenly.

“I know,” I say gently.

He kisses my cheek.

And then after a while I can feel him nod off to sleep.

My scheming has begun.

Chapter Forty-one

I’ve never sucked on a penis before, but I’m pretty sure it is the same as licking a popsicle or kissing Alvarez on the mouth.

And I’ve listened to Bennett and Raymond’s stories enough times to know that I shouldn’t use any teeth when I am down there.

Basically, my evil Alvarez plan is in full effect.

I took all of my clothes off the minute Alvarez fell asleep. And now I’m just trying to figure out how I’m going to make him want me so bad he just has to take me. Like what he said about sometimes wanting to just do me in front of the whole unit.

I wouldn’t have stopped him earlier if I knew it would be this hard to get him riled up again. I mean I kind of already did, except that he cheated me and made sure he couldn’t do anything before I could get what I wanted.

I slowly stick my hands in his boxers and try pulling his penis out that way. But that doesn’t work because only the head of it peaks out. I’m just about to think of how I can pull his boxers down when I notice there is a big ass slit right in the middle of them.

What is this? I think to myself.

And then it dawns on me that it is just like the slit that is in our thermals. I used to always wonder what it was for until Bennett informed me that it was made so guys could easily take a leak.

Sure enough my hand easily slips inside and I slowly pull out Alvarez’s penis. He moves a little bit and my heart drops. But when I look at his face, I see he’s still asleep.

I try to be quiet as I reach down and kiss the tip of his penis where I saw the liquid and the creamy white stuff come out earlier. I know it is called semen or cum.

And I realized that I actually wanted to do this when I first saw Alvarez’s penis.

So, I kissed it again. And then I slowly dart my tongue out to just lick it a little.

I can feel it twitch in my hands.

I lick it again, this time like I would a stamp. From side to side

It really likes that and it twitches once more.

I try to put it in my mouth, but I can only get the tip in. Just like somewhere else that I know.

But it doesn’t seem to matter, because I am rewarded with a little bit of fluid coming out.

“Majesty,” Alvarez groans. It sounds like a mix between pleasure and a warning.

I can tell he is awake now. But I keep going.

I want to try something else anyway.

I kissed one of his testicles. Then the other.

Then I try to lick them, dragging my tongue back and forth.

Alvarez groans again.

I take them in my mouth, but I’m not entirely sure if I can avoid brushing my teeth along them, so I take them out again.

Alvarez sits up then. But it is too late. His penis is really pointing upward now.

“What are you doing?” I whine as he rubs his hand over his face.

Then he looks at me and I feel kind of guilty, because I am naked when he told me not to be.

But I also can’t feel that guilty, because in between my legs is buzzing and it feels so good.

I lean forward and kiss him, but he doesn't kiss me back. Instead he looks disappointed.

“We can’t do this,” He reminds me, “I told you we’ll try again and take it slow”

“I don’t want to take it slow,” I say stubbornly, “I want you tonight”

That voice is back again.

“It’s already morning,” He reminds me.

“Then I want you this morning,” I plead.

“You told me you were going to behave,” He says with a sigh.

“And you told me you wanted me,” I say matter of factly.

He looks at me and shakes his head.

I kiss him again and push my tongue in his mouth. Then I pull myself into his lap. The tip of his erect penis pushes up against both of our stomachs. He wraps his arms around my waist and I wrap my arms around his neck.

We kiss and kiss until finally I whimper.

“I want you so badly, Christopher,” I tell him.

I rub my wet vagina up and down against his member. Like I would rub against my covers. And I am rewarded with the same intensely good feeling.

He grunts.

Then he pushes me back and tosses the pillow down on the floor. He throws the sheets and covers off the bed so it is just us.

I prop my legs up and eagerly wait as he gets up and takes his boxers off.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I think to myself.

He gets in between my legs and pushes himself inside of me. But I can tell he’s not doing it hard enough. He’s still being gentle. So, only the tip goes in.

“Baby,” I whimper.

“We can try again later, we probably just need some lube,” Alvarez says to me.

He leans down and kisses me.

“I told you there is other stuff we can do,” He says as he rubs his hands over my breasts.

Fuck other stuff!

I don’t want to just watch him stroke his penis like he did before. I want him inside of me!

Fuck lube!

I could go in Bennett’s room and see if she has any more lube in that box of sex toys of hers. But I’m wet enough as it is!

The truth is I just don’t want to wait.

I know what it’s going to take.

I pushed Alvarez off of me. And I sit like how Raymond sometimes does, with my hand propped up against my head and like I’m some kind of princess eating grapes in a vineyard and being fanned or something.

“Fine,” I say haughtily, “I already told you, if you can’t do it today, then I’m never going to give you a chance to do it again”

Alvarez doesn’t say anything. And I don’t check to see his expression. Instead I just stare at the wall.

“Actually, I’m going make this real simple for you,” I continue, “If you don’t want to fuck me. Somebody else will”

He grabs me then and pins my hands down on both sides so that he is on top of me and I’m staring up at him.

He looks mad as hell.

“Plenty of guys don’t care about if the girl is in pain or not, they would love to ram their dick in me,” I continue.

But why am I saying the word dick? Ew. Ew. Ew.

He turns me over and unexpectedly smacks me on my butt.

I’ve gotten spankings before as a kid. And with belts to be exact. But Alvarez’s hand feels somehow stronger than any belt has ever felt.

He’s really pissed off. And even though it stings, I can’t help but like that he’s hit me at the same time because it means he might give me what I want.

“I can have anyone really,” I continue, “But you already know that”

I can feel him leaning over me even though I’m on my stomach and my face is almost being pushed into the bed.

My vagina is literally tingling the moment I feel his penis rub against my ass crack and down toward my opening. But he doesn’t push it in.

“That’s why you didn’t want any other guys talking to me, right baby?” I ask teasingly, “Because you’re scared I’m going to find a bigger dick to fill my pussy?”

Pussy.

Cats.

I kind of want to laugh, but I don’t break character.

Alvarez smacks my bottom again.

“I think I’ll go out by myself tonight,” I tell him, “I’m going to find a guy and suck on his cock”

Cock.

Chickens.

My mother would be ashamed of me if she heard how I was talking right now.

But I would tell her that she doesn’t understand.

I’m just pretending to be someone else.

I’m Sunshine in Harlem Nights, mom. This isn’t really me.

“Majesty,” Alvarez grunts like he’s warning me.

“Or maybe I’ll meet Lopez,” I say quietly, “I wonder how big his dick is. It must be bigger than yours”

I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about now, because I’ve never not once looked at Lopez’s genitals. Not even that night in the club when he kept trying to be all handsy with me underneath the table.

And as far as penis sizes go, I know that Alvarez’s would be considered a good size dick in Bennett and Raymond’s eyes. I mean, that purple dildo Bennett gave me a long time ago that I still haven’t used is even smaller than him.

And I can’t imagine anything being bigger. Although I’m sure there are guys bigger than Alvarez. It’s just I’m not even that interested in size at all. I am just interested in the guy. And the guy I want right now is Christopher.

But either bringing up Lopez or someone having a bigger penis than him…or maybe both really does it for me.

Because Alvarez starts repeatedly hitting me on my ass now. And each time his hand goes down, my body moves. And I can’t help but let out a little gasp at the force of it all. I think he hits me a good ten times before he stops.

My ass is on fire after he’s done. I don’t even think my mom ever beat me this hard before.

He hovers over top of me again and I can feel him bury his face into my hair. He sniffs me and then leans to kiss the side of my face.

That’s when I realize that I’m crying.

It’s the pain but it’s also the fact that I feel like I’m five years old again, so instinctively I can’t help it.

“I’m sorry,” Alvarez whispers in my ear.

I sniff.

“It’s ok,” I tell him.

I turn around to face him and he moves a little so that I’m still under him.

I open my legs up though and place my hands around his back.

“I love you,” I tell him.

He looks down at me and kisses me.

“I love you, too,” He says.

Then he stares at me with a look that really says he does and I think maybe I’ve pushed him enough for the time being.

Maybe he is right and we should just take it slow.

But just as I’m about to tell him this…

He finally shoves his cock into me.

It really really hurts and I let out a little scream and dig my nails into his back, but he doesn’t care, he keeps pushing.

He makes a guttural groan.

My eyes close and he pushes into me again.

This time I bit down on his shoulder to keep from crying out in pain.

I feel like we’re about to fall off the bed the way he’s going at it.

I try to think of something to take my mind off the pain.

But the only thing I can think of is: I asked for this.

That keeps replaying in my head.

He jerks into me again and I tilt my head back and cry.

I want him to stop, but at the same time I know it is too late.

Alvarez groans.

Then finally he does one last thrust.

And he stops moving.

My eyes are still closed and I’m still clawing at his back like I’m hanging onto a cliff.

But I feel him panting and then he kisses me.

I open my eyes and he is staring down at me with pride.

“Is it in?” I whisper.

He nods his head.

“Yeah,” He says.

Then he studies my face.

“Are you ok?” He asks.

I bite my lip.

“I think so,” I whisper.

He kisses me again and this time our tongues meet.

Then he starts moving again.

At first it’s light little thrusts, like he’s just trying to jiggle himself into me more. Then it becomes more laborious.

He pulls out of me and breaks away from our kiss.

It feels weird when his penis is no longer inside of me. But I don’t have long to think about it, because he goes right back in. I let out a gasp, but it fits this time with no issues. He does it again and again until it sort of becomes like a pattern.

Alvarez keeps grunting and saying my name over and over again. And it feels like he’s trying to say more but he can’t get the words out.

“Oh god,” I whimper and I just hold on to him as if I’m hugging a stuffed animal to my chest. I love this feeling. I realize that immediately.

It feels like I’m being filled and when he leaves me it feels like I’m empty.

He keeps going and giving me the full feeling until I think I’m going to want to die exactly like this. Just bury me in my grave with Alvarez on top of me, stroking in and out. I don’t care. It will be my last wish.

Suddenly he picks up even more momentum. That I didn’t even know was possible.

Now, I’m the one saying his name over and over again.

“Christopher! Christopher! Christopher! Chris, Chris! Christ-”

I’m begging him. Why? I have no clue.

But I know a few times I keep saying please.

And just when I think it’s about to get really good, he leaves me.

Alvarez makes a noise that sounds like he’s growling and I feel something hot over my stomach.

Then he pants and lays his forehead down against mine.

I rub his back.

“Thank you, for pulling out,” I whisper to him because I know he made sure not to get me pregnant even though I know it was probably really hard for him to stop.

I don’t even think I remembered that I wanted him to stop in the heat of the moment.

In response he just kisses my forehead and then leans down and kisses me on the lips.

Chapter Forty-something

I’ve never slept so well in my life. I don’t know if it is from the sex I had or just having Alvarez with his arms wrapped around me. Either way when I wake up the next day, I realize that I want this as often as I can get it.

Alvarez rubs my back and that’s when I realize we are both still naked. My floor in my room looks like a tornado hit it. Clothes, sheets, covers, and my pillow is scattered on the floor. But I can’t help but to just laugh.

I turn to look at Alvarez, but he’s staring at something on my body. And his face looks kind of serious.

I look down and see that I have some dried blood on my crotch and my leg.

I immediately felt embarrassed. I get up and run out the room to the bathroom to go clean myself up. I grab my wash cloth and run it under the bathtub faucet and then wipe at the blood.

When I’m done I decide to just put the wash cloth in my laundry basket. When I turn around I see Alvarez is in the doorway watching me.

He shakes his head.

I still feel embarrassed.

“They say it happens to some girls when they first lose their virginity,” I tell him as if I’m an expert.

I throw the cloth in the basket.

“It’s not that serious,” I continue.

Alvarez comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. I rub his hands with my own.

He kissed behind my ear.

“Do you feel ok?” He asks.

“Yes,” I smile, “I slept great. Actually, I want you to sleep here from now on every night”

Alvarez chuckles.

“We might not get much sleep,” He muses.

“I don’t care,” I say, “I want you to stay with me”

I turn to look at him.

I touch his face.

And he holds my hand with his.

“You should just say ok,” I whisper, “Or else I’ll use evil Alvarez against you”

He closes his eyes and laughs.

“I think you’re the one who’s evil now,” He says.

“Only when it comes to sex,” I say matter of factly.

“Is that so?” He asks. And I realize he’s very aroused right now.

He pulls me to him and then lifts me up to sit on the sink. I know I’m skinny and he works out. But damn. How the hell does he make it so effortless.

He kisses my neck.

“You said some really mean things to me last night,” He tells me.

Suddenly I feel like the tables have just turned.

Maybe I unleashed a monster. Evil Alvarez is kind of scary. Getting him to show up so my virginity could be taken is one thing, but I don’t know if it is healthy to make this rough kind of sex an everyday thing.

But I change my mind once he enters me.

“Oooh,” I whimper.

“Tell me again what you were telling me last night,” He says as he beats into me.

I can’t even think straight let alone talk.

“How you were going to go out and get someone else, right?” He says.

I look at his eyes and I can see they are dark as hell and glazed over like he’s drunk.

“How you were going to give my stuff away,” He says finally.

It reminds me of that day when Bennett told me all the things he made up about me in order for no one else to try and talk to me or tell me anything.

“Uh Huh,” I whimper.

“You were going to give it away?” He stops stroking me and grabs me roughly by the face. He pushes my cheeks together.

I shake my head no. And he let’s go of my face and starts going into me again.

I grab his back.

“You think you want another dick?” He asked me.

“No,” I manage to breathe.

“You sure?” He asks as he pauses again.

God, I wish he would stop doing that. I just want him to fuck me and I feel like he’s teasing me instead.

“Yes!” I cry out and I sound like I’m whining. Which I kind of am because he’s not fucking me.

He starts up again and I’m in heaven once more.

“You like this?” He asked me.

Oh god, yes. I say in my head. But all I can manage is another whimper.

“You love me?” He asks again.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I whimper again.

“Are you going to stay with me forever?”

I don’t know what he means by that. So, I don’t know how to respond. But he doesn't stop his movements. Actually he angles my legs in such a way that his thrusts go deeper.

“Even when you get out of the Army?” He asks.

I don’t respond again. His thrusts get carnivorous and I can hear a noise that sounds something like someone trying to unclog a toilet. I realize that the sound is coming from between my legs.

“Even when you go to College?”

At this point I’m pretty sure that the clogging noise isn’t just heard by me. It’s really loud. And I can’t help but grip Alvarez even tighter as he continues to give it to me.

“You’re going to marry me?” He asks.

“Have my babies?”

That last question makes me shake my head no. He already knows that that’s my answer to that.

But for some reason he stops like I’ve shocked him with my response.

Well, that was the wrong answer.

I thought he wasn’t paying attention anymore and was just talking at this point..because what does he mean am I going to stay with him forever? Even after I get out? Or marry him? Have his babies? What kind of questions are those?

We just got together.

How does he know we’re even going to be together a year from now let alone for the rest of our lives.

And even if we manage to stay together for more than this year, when I ETS…that’s it.

There’s a time limit on this relationship regardless if it works out or not.

But I try to play it off and act like it was only the last question that bothered me.

“I told you I don’t want any babies right now,” I whispered and tried to laugh so he wouldn't take it that seriously.

He looks at me and then he picks me up again. But this time he turns me around to face the mirror and stand in front of him. He grabs a handful of hair and pulls my head back.

I can feel his erection pressing against me still. And I try to wiggle my ass so that I can connect it with my vagina. But he holds me so that I can’t get him in me.

This isn’t fair. He’s way stronger than me. And I hate that he has all this power over me. Especially to a point where I’m basically dripping.

Holy shit. I realize that I am actually dripping. I can feel liquid running down my legs.

“Are you going to stay with me forever?” He whispers into my ear dangerously low.

Not this question again.

“Baby, we don’t know how things are going to turn out,” I try to reason with him.

He pulls my hair even harder.

“Are you going to stay with me?” He asks again.

When he puts it like that. With no time guarantee, then yes. But I don’t want him to think I’m promising him anything. And I also don’t want him promising me anything. Because we’ll both be hurt by the other if he or she changes their mind.

He pulls my hair again.

He wants an answer.

So, I gave him one.

“I don’t know,” I say.

He suddenly lets go of me.

As in completely.

I watch as he walks over to the toilet and starts furiously stroking his penis like he did last night when I really wanted him to give it to me but he didn’t.

“Christopher,” I say pleadingly.

But he ignores me and keeps going. When he cums he just grunts. Then he silently takes some tissue, wipes his hand and flushes everything down the toilet. He turns around and walks past me like I don’t even exist anymore.

Why is he acting like this? What does he want me to do? Lie to him?

I follow him into my room and watch as he starts putting back on his clothes.

“Why are you leaving?” I ask.

But he doesn’t respond to me.

I suddenly get really scared.

What if he changed his mind? What if he no longer loves me anymore?

Can it really happen that quickly? We just got together. We just had sex.

I suddenly remember Cabrera and how desperate her eyes looked.

I steel myself.

I will never be like that.

Especially not for a man.

“Fine, leave,” I tell him, “I don’t care. But don’t call me anymore”

I know I sound ridiculous. It’s exactly like how Bennett sounded when she was yelling at Sawyer. But then next thing you know she was pregnant with his baby.

And just like Sawyer did that day to Bennett, Alvarez doesn’t say anything to me. He just continues to put on his clothes.

And it aggravates me even more. Because at least Sawyer told Bennett he’d call her. Alvarez is not even saying that. He’s acting like he’s never going to talk to me again.

But I won’t be needy. I won’t let him turn me into a desperate woman like Cabrera was.

I don’t know why, but I think about all the mean things he’s done to me and it makes it easier to say what I say next.

“You’re too intense for me anyways,” I say and my voice has gone through yet another change.

I kind of know this woman. She is belittling. She’s condescending. She’s a ghetto, hoodrat, bitch.

I sound stereotypical. Like that strong, independent black woman. The one who will catch an attitude and doesn’t need a man.

But that voice is the only thing that finally gets his attention.

“Nigga please,” I say even though he’s not even black.

Then I continue to say the unthinkable.

“You want me to stay with you so bad just because your whore of a mommy didn’t”

Since when did I become a psychologist?

Alvarez’s face flinches.

And I realize that I’ve hurt him.

I keep telling myself that he deserves this. He’s hurt me twice or even ten times more. But this isn’t me. This isn’t who I am.

And I don’t want to hurt him. At all.

However, it is too late to go back now.

Alvarez turns around and leaves out my door.

And just like that…

In the span of one day…

I lost my virginity and my first love.

XxxxXxxxxxX

I keep myself busy for the rest of the day cleaning. I don’t know why. But first I start with myself. I take a shower, shampoo and deep condition my hair. Then I start with my sheets.

I strip them off my bed and put new ones on instead.

I take the bloody sheets that were in Bennett’s room to the barracks’ dumpster. And decided to throw out the ones I just took off of my own bed as well.

I scrub my floor. Spray lysol in every nook and cranny of my room. As if I have an inspection coming up.

When that is done I clean the bathroom. That bloody washcloth gets tossed into the trash can. I go to the laundry room and do a load of laundry.

And when I fold my clothes and place them neatly in the drawers…

I decide to tackle the sink.

I spray and spray and spray. And scrub and scrub and scrub. But it doesn’t feel clean enough.

It doesn’t shine like I want it to. Finally I just give up, go to my room, take off my sweat pants and get under my covers.

I put on my comfort movie again. Pride and Prejudice.

This time though, I’m not even paying attention. Instead I cry. I keep crying until I’m sure someone’s going to come and tell me to shut the fuck up. But no one does.

I wish for Bennett to come back. But even she doesn’t show up. And when I send her a message to check on her and call her a few times, she doesn’t respond.

I feel like just deleting her number out of my phone altogether.

But I don’t do that because I know I am being irrational. She just lost her baby. She’s dealing with her own shit right now.

I think about calling Raymond or Martinez but decide against it. And I can’t call my mom because I know what she’ll say.

“I told you not to have sex before marriage”

But I really thought he loved me.

I spent the rest of the night crying and wishing that I never met Christopher Alvarez in the first place.

Maybe if I had joined the army even a month later than when I went, I could have avoided all of this.

Or maybe I should have picked a different MOS?

Or just went ahead and got student loans and went to college or worked a job to pay for community college like my mom suggested I do.

I cry so much but I can’t even go to sleep after it. Instead I stay up all night, until the wee hours of the morning when it is already time for PT, rewatching Pride and Prejudice on mute.

I get up twenty minutes later than I normally do, however. Even though I know I should move and I’m awake. I just can’t even force myself to do it.

I finally do though. And robotically put on my PTs to go to formation.

I don’t even check my phone to see if Bennett is ok or if she messaged or called me back because I turned it off just in case I was tempted to reach out to Alvarez.

I walk out of my barrack room and make my way to formation.

When Raymond and Martinez see me, however, they don’t even recognize that my life has just been shattered in the span of 24 or so hours.

Raymond asks me if I gave Alvarez some, but I tell her not really. And that’s it. We move on to other, more serious topics. Like Bennett.

Apparently she told Raymond that she talked to 1SG and LT so she could put in for leave. I try not to let the sting of the fact that she didn’t tell me get to me. But when Raymond tells me that Bennett's leave got approved for a total of three months. That’s all of her leave she’s had saved up. I suddenly think that I’m about to break. But I force myself to act like I don’t care.

I keep repeating that in my head as we get to formation. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.

But I find myself searching for Alvarez in the formation where he usually is with his squad. I can make out his back. But he’s talking to some of the people in his part of the line.

“What up, Wilkins?” Lopez and Goodwin join the formation and this is the first time Lopez spoke to me in a long time. But instead of being happy, it just reminds me of Alvarez. And it stings.

“Hey,” I say weakly. I don’t even have the energy to smile at him.

But he doesn’t seem to notice. Neither does Goodwin.

Formation starts and 1SG doesn’t bring up what happened with Bennett this weekend. Which I am grateful for.

We go through the basic PT warmup exercises, stretch, and then break to make our usual formation to run.

Martinez follows me and she quietly says, “Majesty, are you ok?”

I look down at her.

“No,” I admit.

But what else can I do? I can’t just stay in my room and cry like I want to do. Nope. I have to go to PT. I have to go to work and do my orders. I have to act like everything is ok.

So, I just keep walking to get in formation to run.

We start the run but I don’t even have the energy to try to keep up. What’s the point anyway? I always fall behind. But this time I’m barely even jogging. I’m just shuffling my feet.

Martinez and Raymond keep glancing behind to look at me. I guess to see if I’ll catch up.

But I don’t try to.

Fuck this run.

However, I hear someone yell at me to catch the fuck up. Some female SGT from another squad.

I ignore her though and just keep going at my shuffling pace. For some reason though, she’s feeling extra Army today and she yells at me again.

I ignore her once more and just keep shuffling.

“Hey, Private! I said catch the fuck up!” She screams as she jogs in place to watch me to see if I will do what she says.

But this time…I’m annoyed. Instead of catching up, I stop shuffling altogether and instead I just walk.

By now Martinez and Raymond are jogging in place too. And I can see some other people who were lagging behind are slowing down so they can listen to the scene playing out.

“Oh my god! What the fuck!” The SGT screams and ennuciates every word as if she’s a auditor or something.

I want to roll my eyes.

She runs over to me and starts screaming directly in my ear.

“Move! Move! Move!” Like she’s a drill sergeant. But this isn’t basic. I passed that shit already. This is real army. Sure she might have rank over me, but I know that she’s nothing but a E-4 at heart who’s been a E-5 for over ten years now. She’s just trying to act tough and put on a show.

“That’s it!” The SGT says once she sees I’m not listening, “Drop! Drop right now!”

I stop walking and look at her.

She is not serious? Can’t she tell I’m not up for playing “Army” today? Why can’t she just leave me alone.

“I said, drop private!!” She screams.

I guess she is. By now I can some people have just stopped running altogether and are just turning around to watch what’s happening. I notice LT has even circled back to see what is going on.

“Do you want to get kicked out?!” The SGT screams, “Do you want a dishonarable discharge for disobeying a SGT?”

When she says the words “kicked out” I actually get excited at that thought.

Maybe that is what I want.

To be done with playing this whole game. I mean, nothing good has come of joining the Army. I met Alvarez, everyone picked on me, I’m a shitty soldier because I’m not athletic, Bennett’s not my friend anymore so who cares, and I don’t think I can stand another four years of people like this SGT here who are assholes just because they can be.

But the words dishonorable discharge make me think again.

What would my mom say?

How would I be able to go to College?

Am I really going to throw away all the work I did…making it through Basic training even though I had no friends and I got alienated from the entire platoon, going to AIT for so many weeks and it being the same there, and now the entire time I put in here?

I’m not a quitter.

I came here for a reason. But I forgot that reason once I started caring more about fitting in than actually just saying fuck these people, I’m here for me.

Wow.

I look at the SGT and smile.

She just made my day better. She reminded me why I’m really here in the first place. Not for her. Not for Bennett. Not for Alvarez. But because I want to do my four years, get out, and have my College education paid for.

“Yes, SGT,” I say as I come to my senses.

I get down and start doing push ups.

Of course she goes on about how poor my form is and how pathetic of a soldier I am, but I really don’t care at this point.

LT finally walks over and she says, “Wilkins, that’s enough”

I’m surprised. But since LT is higher ranking than the SGT, I get up and dust off my hands.

The SGT actually looks kind of embarrassed. Which I guess I would be too if the LT just came and ended your punishment.

LT looks around at everyone else.

“Catch up to formation!” She says.

And she looks at the SGT.

“SGT Patel, can you make sure they all make it back to 1SG?” She asks.

“Yes, ma’am,” The SGT says and she starts running and yelling at the other soldiers now.

Just as I’m about to follow them, LT turns to me.

“Wilkins,” She says, “Stay behind for a second”

I do as she says and stand at attention because she seems to want to talk to me.

“You don’t have to do that,” She tells me.

I slowly relax.

“Look Wilkins,” She says to me, “I know you aren’t the best soldier in this unit when it comes to PT tests or field exercises”

I look down at the ground.

“But I’m going to tell you the truth, that doesn’t mean anything”

I look up at her in shock.

“We’re not real soldiers,” She says, “I mean we may act like it and dress like it, and some of these people around here might try to make it seem like it. But at the end of the day, we’re just support”

She places a hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t let them fool you,” She says, “I’ve seen your work. You’re good at your job. And that’s what the Army signed you up for. To order supplies. Not to make a 300 PT score or to be able to shoot people from a mile away”

With that she turns around and starts running to catch up with the rest of the group.

Wow.

XXXXXXXXXXX

“You ok?” Martinez asks me again for the fourth time today.

She asked me once more when we were done with PT. Another time when we were at chow. And then again as we sit down at our desks to do our orders.

“I am,” I assure her, “I really am. I just had a rough start this morning. But PT kind of kicked my endorphins in”

Martinez shakes her head.

“I just don’t know why SGT Patel screamed at you that way,” She says.

I shrug my shoulders.

“Maybe she’s been screamed at like that by someone else before and she thinks it is the only way to do go about it.”

I still have my empathy at least. Alvarez breaking up with me didn’t turn me into a complete bitch.

“But I was running really slow,” I add.

Martinez gives me a sad glance.

“Yeah, I wanted to fall back and run with you but…” She trails off.

And I understand. No one wants to be the weakest link in the Army. Or the second weakest.

But LT’s words still stick in the back of my head.

“Let’s get this work done,” I say.

Martinez laughs.

“Yeah, we’ve got a lot to do”

And even though we do have a lot, we end up finishing up just after lunch. Martinez and I are talking when our E-5 comes in to let us know we can leave early if we want.

He does it sometimes when the days are slow. So, we decide to go. Martinez and I walk back to the barracks and once we’re there we walk separate ways.

I go to my room and once I’m inside, I take my uniform off and change into my regular old sweats and a tshirt.

I go out to the bath and kitchen area and head over to Bennett’s door. When I turn the knob, it opens.

I walk in and I see nothing really has changed since I cleaned it up with Alvarez last night. Maybe she stil hasn’t been here. I go out of her room and shut her door behind me.

When I go over to the bathroom sink though, I see a note sticking to it.

“Thanks for everything. I love you so much. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’ll be back soon. We’ll talk then. Answer your phone!!!- Bennett”

My heart swells and I run back into my room and sure enough I forgot to grab my fucking phone and turn it back on all day today.

When I turn it on, I realize that I do have messages and calls.

I immediately dial Bennett’s number.

“Hello?” Bennett answers.

And then before I can respond she says, “Bitch, where the fuck have you been?”

I laugh.

“I had my phone off,” I admit.

“Why would you have your phone off?” She asks me.

I sigh.

“It’s a long story. But I just want to know are you ok?”

I hear Bennett shuffling in the background and someone telling her something.

“Is that Sawyer?” I ask her.

“Yeah,” She answers me.

“Tell him I said hi,” I say.

Then I hear a muffled, but what sounds like Sawyer’s voice saying, “Hey, Wilkins!”

“He hears you,” She says, “We’re in the airport on the way to Maryland to stay with his family for awhile”

I’m shocked.

“Wow!” I exclaim, “Sawyer got approved for leave, too?”

“Yeah,” Bennett says, “We said it was a death in the family”

I nod my head even though I know she can’t see me.

“There was,” I remind her.

Bennett sighs.

“Yeah, I know but you know how the Army can be,” She says quietly.

But then she changes the subject.

“But let’s talk about you,” She says, “Take my mind off all of this. Switch to something more stressfree”

“I don’t know I would say I’ve been stress free right about now,” I say, “I thought for a minute that you didn’t like me anymore”

Bennett snorts, “Girl, why would you think that dumb shit?”

“Because you didn’t tell me about Sawyer…or the baby,” I admit.

Bennett pauses.

“I know,” She says gently, “The only reason why I didn’t tell you is because I didn’t want you to think I was telling you one thing but then living another”

Wow. So, I was right.

“But you know Sawyer is nothing like Alvarez,” I tell her.

“You got that right,” She says.

“It’s just the principle,” She says, “I didn’t want you to think I was the pot calling the kettle black. Sawyer is guilty by association”

I hear Sawyer say something and Bennett shushes him and tells him to mind his business.

I laugh.

“And I didn’t want to tell you I was pregnant until I was past the miscarry period,” She says, “My mom had that happen to her a lot before. I was her special baby. The one that finally survived”

“I didn’t know that,” I say quietly.

“Yeah,” She says, “And she tried to have more. Every time I would get excited thinking I would have a brother or sister. And then…”

She trails off.

So miscarriages run in Bennett’s family. My heart hurts for her.

“I know,” I whisper gently.

“And now it’s happening to me, too,” She says and I think her voice is cracking.

I hear Sawyer tell her something and she assures him that she’s fine.

“We’ll just have to keep trying,” Bennett says and her voice sounds clear and strong again, “I’m not going to give up. I’m stronger than all this shit”

Wow. I think to myself. Bennett really wants to have a family. And with Sawyer.

“You’re going to make a great mother,” I tell her.

I can hear her smile through the phone.

“Yeah, that way I can stop mothering my friends and finally mother some babies of my own,” She jokes.

I laugh.

“Anyway, what’s been going on with you?”

I bite my lip.

Should I tell her?

I don’t know if this is the appropriate time or place.

But when is?

“I think Alvarez and I are done for good,” I say.

“What?” Bennett says and I can hear Sawyer say something too, but I can’t make it out just the sound of his voice.

But suddenly the phone shuffles and I can hear Bennett’s voice, but then Sawyer’s voice comes over the phone.

“Hold on, what happened?” He asks.

“I think I said something I shouldn’t have said to him,” I admit, “And I can’t take it back”

“That thing about his mom?” Sawyer asks me.

My eyes widen.

“He told you?” I ask.

“Yeah,” He says, “He said that he thinks he messed up”

What?

He messed up.

But I was the one who said something extremely hurtful to him.

“The crazy thing is he said something along the same lines as you right now,” Sawyer tells me, “About how he asked you something he shouldn’t have”

My heart races.

“I think you should try calling him, talk this shit out,” Sawyer continues.

Bennett’s voice is saying something, but I can’t hear her.

“I’ll tell Bennett what happened,” He says, “Just make sure you get that shit straight, alright?”

And before I can say anything, the call ends.

I bring the phone down from my ear and stare at it for a second.

Then I go through my text messages. Several from Bennett asking me why am I not responding or answering her calls. One from Raymond telling me that Bennett is trying to reach me. One from Martinez telling me that Bennett is trying to reach me. And then…

I open the message.

“I didn’t mean what I said when I asked you that. I know you don’t know. You’re right. I am scared you’re going to leave me. I don’t want to lose you. I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore. I’ll try my best to leave you alone”

My hands shake.

I want to call him or text him. But what do I say?

I exit my messages app. And scroll through my contacts until I get to his number.

My thumb hovers over the call button. If I do this…I can’t take it back. I have to come up with something.

Sorry?

I love you?

I’m sorry and I love you?

My palms are sweating and my heart feels like I’m running a mile in a minute or less.

I press call.

The phone rings and rings.

I realize that he’s probably still at work. Martinez and I just got left out early today because our SGT was in a good mood.

I’m just about to hang up and think of a text message to send back when the phone picks up.

There’s no response on the other end that I wonder if maybe he accidentally answered it or something.

“Majesty?” Alvarez finally says.

My heart keeps banging at my chest.

“Y-yes,” I answer, “It’s me”

Alvarez breathes a sigh of relief.

“Look, I know you might want to curse me out or you’re just calling to officially break up with me, but I just want you to know that I never wanted to rush you into anything or make you feel like I’m being too deep or intense,” He says in a rush and so fast that I wonder if he’s practiced this speech in the mirror or something.

“Alvarez?” I interrupt him.

He goes quiet again.

My eyes fill with tears as I think about the last thing that I said to him.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, “I didn’t mean what I said. I really just love you and I was scared that you were going to leave me if I didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear. And I didn’t want us to break up so soon, especially since we just got together and had sex for the first time…I was just mad and…”

Alvarez interrupts me this time.

“Majesty,” He says gently, “I’m not going to leave you”

My heart soars at those words.

I sniffle in disbelief.

“But you were acting all cold when I said that I didn’t know if we were going to be together forever,” I whisper.

He sighs.

“I guess I was kind of disappointed,” He admits, “But I wasn’t going to leave you. I’d never leave you. Unless you want me to”

I start crying even more.

“I hate when you say things like that,” I tell him.

He doesn’t respond.

“I hate when you make it seem like you really want to do all those things you told me. Like marry me or stay with me forever,” I say shakily, “It scares me because I want to believe you but I’m scared to because what if you change your mind and break my heart?”

“But I do want to do all those things with you,” He says calmly.

“No,” I say, “Don’t tell me those things, because then I’ll start to believe you”

“I want you to believe me,” He says.

“We’re really young Alvarez,” I say and my voice waivers, “Most people our age don’t end up getting married or staying together forever. They usually end up breaking up eventually”

“Well, most people don’t feel the way I feel about you. Or the way I think you feel about me,” He says.

I rub at my eyes.

“How many girls have you told that before?” I say.

“Only one,” He repeats, “You.”

I want to believe him, my heart believes him. But my head says this is stupid because data is data.

There’s no way Alvarez is going to be the only man I ever date.

Eventually our relationship will end.

Maybe he’ll change his mind about me. Maybe I’ll change my mind about him. Or maybe we’ll both change our minds about each other.

Whatever it is, I just don’t know if I can believe that we should be promising each other the moon and stars if we can’t ever really obtain it.

“Do you love me?” Alvarez suddenly asks me.

Why would he ask me that? Of course I love him.

“Yes, I love you,” I tell him.

“Then that’s enough for me,” He says, “Whatever else is ok. If you don’t feel it, don’t say it. But I have to tell you how I feel about you. I want to tell you how I feel about you. You drive me crazy. You make me excited and happy every time I think of just your name”

I feel warm inside. But it also scares me a little that I can be that important to him.

“Do you want still be with me?” It’s my turn to ask him a question.

“I told you I want to be with you forever. Of course I still want to be with you,” He says softly.

I smile to myself.

“Then that’s enough for me.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alvarez comes over to my room after he gets off of work and he brings a bag which makes me happy because I know that means he plans to stay.

I don’t even care anymore if people see us leaving the barracks together. Everyone can know that I’m with Alvarez. It doesn’t bother me.

I kiss him once he enters and then show him what I’ve made for him.

I cooked.

He chuckles.

“Friend chicken, cabbage, and macaroni and cheese!” I say happily, “I thought you might be hungry. And you can take left overs if you want for work tomorrow”

He kisses me on the forehead.

“You’re going to have to learn how to make some Cuban food, too,” He tells me.

I shake my head.

“Hey, this is what you get. You know what you signed up for,” I say teasingly.

He shrugs and doesn’t argue. Just eats.

Once we’re done eating, we go in the kitchen to wash the dishes.

I tell Alvarez about talking to Bennett and what she told me about why she kept some things hidden from me.

“I’m sorry that I caused a rift between you and her,” Alvarez says.

I hug him.

“Well, it’s not a rift anymore. And if it wasn’t for you, Bennett wouldn’t have found Sawyer,” I remind him.

He smiles.

Once we get back into my room, we decide to watch some TV.

Alvarez comments that being with me is going to make him fat.

“Next time, I’ll cook for you. Some more healthy food,” He says and shakes his head, “I don’t know how you can be so skinny and eat that fried stuff and not work out”

I feel a little defensive, like he’s judging me. I only cooked today because I wanted to surprise him. I usually eat at the Defac.

I tell him so.

He goes quiet and then he rubs my leg.

“Thank you,” He says and he kisses my cheek, “I really appreciate it”

But I make a mental note not to cook for him anymore unless it is healthy….or Cuban food. I said he knew what he was signing up for when he decided to date me. But I guess I knew what I was signing up for too when I decided to date him. It works both ways.

I turn around and stare at him as he flicks through my Netflix.
I really wish I could stay like this forever with him. Just in bed with my body pressed against his. I feel sad that tomorrow is yet another regular day. I wish we were on leave together, too. Like Bennett and Sawyer. That way we can have more time together.

“Why is this the only thing in your Watched list?” Alvarez asks suddenly.

I get embarrassed instantly because I know what movie he’s talking about.

“I haven’t used my Netflix account in awhile,” I lie, “I think that was the last movie I watched on here”

Alvarez doesn’t seem to buy it though.

“But you’re always in your room, what else do you do if you’re not watching Netflix?”

Why is he judging me again?

“I read sometimes too,” I say defensively.

Alvarez looks down at me and smirks.

What is with that?

“Are you sure you’re not doing something else here?” He asks.

What does he mean by that?

“You’re the only boy that’s been in my room!” I snap at him.

He laughs and shakes his head.

“Nevermind,” He says, “Let’s just watch this”

And he turns on Pride and Prejudice.

What did he mean ‘something else’?

He knows he’s the only person who’s been in here or between my legs.

Then suddenly it dawns on me.

I sit up and smack him on the chest.

“What?” He says with a grin.

“You’re nasty,” I say, “And you have a dirty mind”

“What? I know some girls like to jerk off, too,” He says.

“Girls don’t jerk off!” I say as I wrinkle my nose.

“Then what do you guys call it…oh yeah, like rubbing your clit or something. Fingering yourself?” He says.

“Some girls don’t even do that,” I tell him.

He looks confused.

“What else is there?”

I look down.

“What? You mean like a vibrator or something?” He asks.

And I’m reminded of the purple dildo Bennett gave me that I have never used. But I keep it hidden in my underwear drawer. A drawer no on should ever go into because that is my private things.

“Yeah,” I say.

“You use vibrators?” He asks me and he looks even more confused, “But you said that-”

“No,” I tell him. Finally I just decide to admit the truth.

“Some girls like to hump things,” I tell him.

Alvarez gets silent.

“Like dogs?” He asks.

I laugh.

“Not that crazily,” I say.

“Then how?” He asks.

“Well, I mean the way I do it is I just take my covers and start rubbing myself against it,” I tell him.

“Really?” Alvarez asks.

“Yeah,” I say.

He pauses.

“Do you do that often?” He asks and his voice is kind of low.

“I mean, when I feel like I need to,” I say as my heart beat quickens.

I dart my eyes around the room because I can feel him staring at me.

“Do you need to now?” He asks me.

“Chrisopher,” I say testily, but when I look at him I can tell by his eyes that he really wants to see me do it.

“I don’t want to do it in front of you,” I say as I cover my hands with my face, “It’s embarrassing”

“I won’t laugh, I swear,” He says quietly.

I look at him again and just from his stare alone I feel my body buzzing like I really do need to do it.

“No,” I tell him, “Let’s just watch the movie. We have PT tomorrow and-”

“Fuck the movie,” He says as he glances at the screen, “You’ve probably watched this movie a hundred times already because it looks like the same one I saw all those nights ago when I first came in your room”

I look down in embarrassment.

He’s got me there.

“I want to see you do it,” He says. His voice sounds pleading.

“Or…,” He suggests quietly, “You can do it on me”

What?!

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say.

“Yes you do,” He says, “You did it last night when you started grinding on me to get me to fuck you”

“I only did that one time,” I say, “And it wasn’t for even that long”

“Come on,” Alvarez pleads.

“Just at least try”

I look at him.

“I don’t want to do it on you, but I’ll show you how I do it with the blanket,” I whisper in defeat.

Alvarez’s eyes gleam.

“Ok!” He says.

I look at him.

“But uh, first…you have to get out of the bed,” I tell him.

“What?” He asks.

“Yeah, I need some space and we’re both too long for me to do be able to move around the way I want to,” I continue.

He sighs, but he stands up.

I look at him.

“I’m not going to laugh,” He promises.

“Come on, you’ve seen me masturbate before,” He says.

And if by that he means how his hand would furiously move up and down his penis whenever he was too stubborn to fuck me. Then yeah. He’s right.

So, I start taking off my sweat pants. I’m not wearing anything underneath.

Which gets Alvarez’s attention.

“I thought you said we have PT tomorrow?” He teases.

I reach out and kick him with my foot as I drop my sweat pants to the floor.
Next, I take off my T-shirt.

Alvarez’s eyes really glaze over now once he sees my nipples. But I was wearing such a baggy shirt that it hid that I wasn't wearing a bra really well before.

“I’m kind of feeling like you had ulterior motives for tonight,” Alvarez comments.

I roll my eyes.

But I dropped the shirt to the floor, too.

Then I roll over onto my stomach. Which is good because I can’t see Alvarez’s face. If he starts laughing at me, I’ll hear him though. But it is better if I can’t see him.

I lay my head on my pillow and stare at the wall instead.

Then I grab the covers and bunch it up in between my thighs and pressing up against my vagina. Immediatley, I feel good.

I take a deep breath. I feel nervous and kind of weird with someone watching. But I tell myself it is just Alvarez and his name alone starts the buzzing in between my legs.

I close my eyes and imagine that he’s on top of me instead of me being on my stomach with sheets bunched in between my legs.

I start imaginging what would have happened if he hadn’t stopped that day on the bathroom sink. And I feel myself starting to rub against my covers as fericiously as he had been giving it to me that day.

I imagine how good it felt with him furiously pumping between my legs. And I can’t help but whimper.

“Please, Please, Please,” I imagine what would have happened if I had just said that instead of answering any of his questions.

If I had just begged for the dick instead.

That makes me go even faster and put more pressure down on humping my covers.

I’m really going to town now. I’m not sure if I even care anymore that Alvarez is watching me. Or maybe because he is watching me it is making everything feel more intense.

“Baby,” I whimper, “Please”

I feel the bed weigh down and I can feel a body looming over me. But at this point I’m almost about to climax, so I don’t care.

I keep humping. I can tell that my butt is hitting up against something hard. But I just keep rubbing.

I’m almost there. And whatever Alvarez is doing behind me isn’t going to stop me now.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I cry out.

Usually I am silent. But now that I have something to actually really fantasize about, it makes my orgasm even more intense.

I move really fast until the pleasurable feeling feels so good that I think it can never get any better than this. My legs shake and finally give out from underneath me.

I let go of my blankets between my legs and just lay on my stomach and breath deeply.

Wow. That was good.

Then I hear the sound of Alvarez’s breathing over top of me. He presses his face in my hair and I can feel his breath on my ear.

He’s groaning and by the sound of it I can tell he’s masturbating, too.

I listen to him as he pleasures himself. Just like he did to me. I want to turn around and watch, but I think he likes me just laying on my stomach like this. So, I don’t move.

Finally he let’s out a grunt and I feel him ejaculate on my back. I can even feel the hot liquid on my neck.

Alvarez pants and then suddenly he lays down on top of me. All of his weight is on me. It feels like I’m being squished and although I can barely breath…

I like it.

I just listen to his labored breaths for awhile. He has his face still buried in my hair. And every time he breaths hot air touches the tip of my ear.

Finally he lifts himself off of me. I sit up and see him pick his shirt up off the floor. I think he’s about to put it back on, because he’s fully naked now too just like me. And we said we weren’t going to have sex tonight since we have to get up early.

But instead he looks at me.

“Turn around,” He tells me.

I move so that my back is facing him. And he wipes the cum off of it. And then at my neck.

“I think I got some in your hair,” He says and I can tell he’s frowning by the sound of his voice.

I reach back and touch my hair, and sure enough when I pull my finger back there is some cum there.

“It’s ok,” I tell him.

I turn around to face him.

But he gets up off the bed to put his cum stained shirt in his bag.

“Don’t do that,” I say as I hop up too.

“Let me wash it for you,” I say.

I take it from him and go out of my room and throw it in my laundry basket. When I come back, Alvarez is sitting on my bed again.

I realize that I don’t have to close my door that leads to the kitchen and bathroom anymore since Bennett is on leave. So, I don’t.

Instead I just walk over and sit on his lap.

He wraps his arms around me and I wrap my arms around his neck.

This is exactly the type of sitting my mom would never allow me to do. She didn’t even let me sit on Santa Clause’s lap growing up.

But I realize it feels good to sit in a man’s lap. I kiss Alvarez like I would if he were my dad, uncle, or grandpa.

I want to try something out. At first I’m scared. But then I just go ahead and do it.

“I love you, Daddy,” I say.

Alvarez looks at me and he raises his eyebrows. Well, that took him by surpirse.

I immediately feel shame. Like the kind of shame you get as a kid when you realize you’ve peed on yourself at a friend’s slumber party. I want to hide my face.

Welp. That was a mistake.

He chuckles.

“That’s different,” He muses, “I’ve never been called ‘Daddy’ before”

I feel embarassed.

“I just wanted to try it out,” I tell him shakily, “I’ve never called a man that before”

“Not even my own dad,” I admit quietly.

Alvarez’s face turns serious.

“What happened to him?” He asks.

I realize that I never talk about my dad with anyone. Not even with my mom because she hates him for leaving us.

“Nothing,” I whisper and shrug, “You know…just the stereotypical broken black family”

I try to make a joke out of it.

“Come on,” I tell Alvarez, “You’ve heard of that before, right? How black men don’t usually stay and alot of black women are baby mothers?”

Alvarez feels uncomfortable and I can tell he’s probably heard a few stereotypes about black people but doesn’t want to repeat them to me.

That makes me wonder.

“What do Cubans think of black people?” I ask him suddenly.

Alvarez clears his throat.

“There’s black people in Cuba,” He says. And it takes me a second to realize he’s avoiding the question.

“I know that,” I say. I remember finding that out when I watched a season of Love and Hip Hop Miami and saw a cast member who was as dark as me speak fluent Spanish and say her family was from Cuba.

“But the way everyone makes it seem, it’s like there’s no black people there,” I continue.

I remember how the woman on Love and Hip Hop had to educate one of the other cast members that black Cubans exist.

Alvarez totally ignores me though.

“So, you’ve got daddy issues,” He remarks instead to change the subject.

I’m irritated that he purposely is avoiding my questions on race. And I’m also irritated because when he says it like that, it kind of stings.

“Well, you’ve got mommy issues,” I retort.

And he looks away.

I feel bad.

I don’t want to hurt him again like I did when I brought up his mother last time.

“I guess we both have some issues,” I say.

“Yeah,” He says.

I stroke his hair and he places his face on my chest. I hug him to my breasts and he tightens his grip around me.

“Alvarez?” I ask though, because I don’t want to drop it.

“Hmmm?” He murmurs.

“What would your dad say if you brought me to meet him?”

Alvarez sighs. And he leans back away from me. But I lock my arms around his neck again.

“Why do you keep ignoring my questions?” I ask.

“Majesty,” He says testily.

“What?” I ask him, “I want to know”

“Would he freak out? Disown you for bringing a black girl home?” I ask.

He just stays silent.

He doesn’t realize that I’m from the south and interracial relationships are still a big deal. One of my uncle's wives is white and she can’t even talk to her family anymore because she married a black man.

“Why do you keep acting like you can’t talk about me being black?” I snap.

Alvarez furrows his brows.

Then he lets out a breath.

“I guess I just don’t think about it because you don’t seem like you’re black to me,” He says.

And immediately he knows that his wording is off because he tries to correct himself.

“I mean, you don’t really act like being black is who you are,” He says.

“But it is who I am,” I say incredulously.

“Wilkins,” He says and uses my last name, “I’ve never even heard you talk about any of the things that black people like to talk about. You don’t even talk like them at all”

“That’s because we’re not all the same!” I shout at him, “There’s other kinds of black people too, you know! And we don’t all grow up the same! We’re not all from the projects! A lot of us actually grow up in the suburbs and we don’t all sound the same either!”

I don’t add that I didn’t grow up in the suburbs. More like a mobile home in South Carolina near a cotton field. But that sounds like it defeats my point. Especially the cotton field part. So I leave that part out.

Alvarez looks up at the ceiling and blows air out of his nostrils.

“I guess, you just don’t even seem to be as loud as they can be sometimes,” He says.

Why does he keep saying the word they?

“You’re more chill, which is what I like about you,” He continues when I don’t speak, “And you’re actually really beautiful”

I get off of Alvarez’s lap.

He basically just generalized my ethnicity to a stereotype and said the equivalent of the line “she’s pretty for a black girl”.

“I’m going to bed,” I tell him as I grab my baggy t-shirt off of the floor and pull it over my head.

I push past him and climb over him. I try to pull the covers over me, but he’s sitting on them.

“Move!” I say.

He sighs and lays down beside me. He’s still naked even though I’m done doing anything sexual with him for the time being.

“What did I do?” He asks.

And he has the nerve to pull the covers over me and him and fix it around me like he really is my dad or something.

But I’m never calling him daddy again. I think to myself. Why I would ever think to give a nonblack man that title just goes to show how dumb I can be.

That’s when I realize that I’m not mad at Alvarez.

I’m mad at myself for being with Alvarez.

“I’m a bedwench,” I say out loud.

“What?” Alvarez asks.

I never thought I could be one because Alvarez is a minority just like me.

But I guess there’s a level to this kind of thing.

My mom would always tell me with pride how none of our ancestors were bed wenches. And that is why our skin is so dark.

“We can go back to Africa and blend right in,” She told me whenever I used to cry about how the other kids would make fun of me because of how dark my skin was from theirs and when they would call me a African Booty Scratcher even though I was born in the same little hick town as them.

“How many of those kids can say that they can go back to the motherland?” My mom would ask me and her face would have so much pride that I knew I couldn’t cry anymore around her.

I turn to Alvarez.

“I shouldn’t be dating a nonblack man,” I say to him quietly.

He glares at me.

But I know that I would never have to feel like I won’t be accepted if I dated someone who was black. I mean even though my skin is super dark and that’s an issue with a lot of African Americans who can trace their lineage back to the south and slavery, I still have commonality. And an almost similar shared experience.

Then it dawns on me that I don’t even think I want to have children with someone who isn’t black.

I mean, I know how hard it is for my cousins who are mixed and Bennett herself. All of them have told me what a struggle being biracial is and how they sometimes felt alienated and not accepted by either of their parents’ culture.

I made up my mind right then and there that Alvarez is the last nonblack man I will ever be with.

Because I never want to feel like this again. So, when we do break up, I swear to myself that I’m only going to date black men.

I can feel Malcolm X, the founding Black Panther Party members, and even SSG McDonald’s creepy ass clapping their hands.

I close my eyes and smile.

“What are you thinking about?” I hear Alvarez ask.

“That I’m trying to go to sleep,” I mutter to him.

He wouldn’t understand how important black love is.

“Wilkins,” He says irritatedly, “Now you’re the one ignoring me”

I keep doing it, too.

“What did you mean by bedwench?” He asks.

I don’t answer.

“And what the hell do you mean you shouldn’t be dating me?”

I opened one eye.

“You’ve just enlightened me, that’s all,” I say sleepily.

I really am tired now.

Masturbating usually always wears me out. So, I can feel myself ready to wind down.

“Don’t think too much into it,” I add.

I can feel Alvarez shift in bed. He’s not even touching me. I’m on my side and he seems to be laying on his back from what I can tell.

“Do you want to break up with me?” He asks.

I think about it. But this going back and forth shit we keep doing is kind of annoying. I mean, in theory I would love to break up with him and find a black man who understands me more. But I just got back together with Alvarez. We’re giving each other whiplash at this point.

So I say, “Not tonight”

Alvarez goes quiet.

“Then when?” He asks suddenly, “Because you sound like you’ve already made up your mind. So, you better just tell me now”

He’s agitated.

I sigh.

“Whenever we break up, Alvarez,” I say pointendly, “That’s when I’ll break up with you”

I’m really about to drift off to sleep, but he keeps talking to me.

“Is it because of what I said tonight? The stuff about black people?” He asks.

I keep my eyes closed.

“No,” I tell him softly, “Actually, I’m glad you said that stuff, because you just opened my eyes to a lot of reasons why I’ll never date nonblack men again”

I hear Alvarez shift. And I can feel him staring down at me even though my eyes are still closed.

“So, what are you saying?”

I groan. And try to pull the covers over my head so that he will stop bothering me.

“I’m saying, once I go black I’m never going back,” I mumble.

But then I feel Alvarez snatch the covers off of my body. He flips me over. I yelp as he pins my hands by my head.

I’m wide awake now.

“What did you say?” He asks.

I squeak because he tosses me on to my stomach and smacks my bare ass.

I should have put on my sweatpants too. Or some underwear or something.

It stings just like it did the first time he hit me.

“Say it again,” He tells me.

But I don’t dare.

“That’s what I thought,” He says in such an authoritative voice that I feel my body buzz with excitement.

Why does she like it so much when evil Alvarez shows up? What is wrong with me?

But Alvarez is right.

I really do have daddy issues.

He slaps my ass one more time and then moves to cradle my back to him. He pulls the covers up around us and buries his face in my hair as he locks his arms around me.

He snuggles my neck.

“Don’t ever talk about giving yourself to another man around me,” He tells me and his voice is dangerously low.

“Do you understand?” He asks.

I just nod my head as he presses up against me and kisses my neck. I’m not sure if I mean it, but I know he doesn’t want any other answer.

“And don’t ever talk about leaving me either,” He whispers that last part and it’s not as threatening. Instead he sounds scared.

A tear slips down my cheek.

I can’t even force myself to lie to him about that one.

XxxxxX

The PT test is coming up and Alvarez tells me that he wants to help me prepare for it.

Ever since we got back together he has been asking me to change certain habits. Like how I still drink soda or eat hot cheetos. Any time he sees me with it, he shakes his head in disapproval. And it almost gets to a point where I feel like I need to hide it from him. But because he practically lives in my room now, I can’t really do that.

He tries to get me to eat right. I haven’t cooked since the day he criticized my choice of food when I did make him a meal. But even with the Defac food, he finds things wrong with what I choose. And tries to tell me other, healthier options according to him. And I begrudgingly know that I should listen to him. He is the one with the amazing fit body and high PT score. But I just don’t care about what I eat like he does.

My last straw is when he keeps trying to get me to go to the gym with him. Alvarez practically lives at the gym. If he isn’t in my room, he’s at the gym or tinkering with his car so he can look cool when he gets there. I’ve never known anybody in my life who works out almost three times a day until I met Alvarez. Because he does PT in the morning, then he goes to the gym in the afternoon during his lunch break from work, and then he goes one more time in the evening.

It’s like his church. His religion.

And just like religion, I respect it, but don’t try to make me convert or dictate my life by it’s rules because I am not a believer like he is.

But when the PT test starts looming over us, he really gets on me about taking me to the gym. And I feel kind of guilty especially when he tells me this whole work out plan he’s made for me so that I can at least do better than I did the last time.

So, I gave in four days before the PT test. But I force Raymond and Martinez to join me. I might as well make it a group effort.

Martinez brings Goodwin. The two of them go to the gym together, but only once on the weekends. And to my surprise, Alvarez invited Lopez. Who shows up because he lives at the gym, like Alvarez too. But Raymond is like me and doesn’t understand the hype. We both though, funnily enough, have the lowest PT scores in the company.

Alvarez takes us to a room he’s reserved in the gym for us. He has set up a whole obstacle course like environment for us as we arrive. He goes inside and starts to place cones on each spot.

As he does, Raymond takes one look at it and says, “Oh, hell no. I already did PT today”

She goes to turn back around, but I grab her hand.

“Please, stay,” I begged her. Because I know I need someone to be by my side when I start to fall behind.

Raymond rolls her eyes.

“Uh uh, girl. You’re man is doing too much,” She says.

Everyone now knows that me and Alvarez are together. I mean it is pretty obvious since he comes out of my room with me for PT in the mornings. But when I first formally announced it to Raymond, Martinez, and Bennett in the group chat they were still kind of hesitant about accepting it. Which I don’t blame them. Alvarez and I can be like Tom and Jerry sometimes. Except they think I’m always Jerry. They don’t know that I can be an asshole too to him.

“Come on, Chocolate,” Lopez tells Raymond, “I want to watch you sweat”

She looks him up and down.

“Fuck you,” She snaps.

Lopez wiggles his eyebrows.

“You can do that. I’m always down,” He says. Still up to his flirting ways.

Goodwin shakes his head.

“Man, shut up,” He says as Martinez laughs and punches Lopez on the arm.

“You’re such a player!” She tells him.

Then she looks at Raymond and excuses Lopez, “Ignore him. You already know he’s a notorious flirt.”

Raymond just rolls her eyes.

“And a racist,” She says and then reminds him, “I still remember, Lopez, when you were saying all that racist shit about black women that one day at PT. That’s why I didn’t feel too bad when Alvarez beat your ass”

Lopez looks her up and down.

“No, I think you got me confused with someone else,” He tells her, “I like chocolate”

Now I roll my eyes and laugh.

“Don’t buy into it Raymond,” I tell her exposing Lopez, “He said the exact same thing to me”

Lopez laughs. He knows he’s caught. Red headed.

“No, I only wanted you when you weren’t with nobody for like, five seconds… But then you went and got with the Cuban again,” He emphasizes on how I’ve been deranked.

“Man, shut your lying ass up! You were trying to talk to her even when you thought she was still with Alvarez,” Goodwin reminds him.

Lopez is caught again.

“Oh, yeah, I was,” He admits and then laughs, “My bad”

We all laugh.

The subject changes to something else. And when I look at Raymond to tell her something, I catch her eyes glancing at Lopez and he’s giving her the once over too.

But before I can say anything, Alvarez comes out and tells us that he’s ready to begin.

XXXXXXX

I’m so tired when we get back to my room that I think I can go to sleep even in my sweat soaked, dirty gym clothes.

I can’t believe I let Alvarez talk me into this. And to make matters worse I still have to do PT tomorrow even though I know I’m going to be sore. I thought he was going to do something light. But instead he pushed us like he was some kind of Drill Sergeant and we were back in Basic. Even though we are all higher ranking than him now since he got his rank taken away.

Raymond gave me death glares the entire time. But she stayed in it. However, I still feel bad for asking her to come. I had no idea Alvarez would do all of this.

Lopez, Goodwin, and Martinez seemed to really enjoy Bootcamp Alvarez, though. But then again they do work out frequently, so their bodies are probably used to it.

I plop face down on my bed just like Raymond does sometimes. Shoes on and all.

I can feel Alvarez staring at me. And then I feel him come and pull my sneakers off of my feet. After he finishes, I pull my legs up in a fetal position, and turn over onto my side and close my eyes.

I really just want to sleep.

I hear Alvarez sit down on the edge of the bed and feel him pull my legs back to sit in his lap. I let out a sound of frustration, but I stop when he takes my socks off and starts rubbing my feet.

It feels really nice. I keep my eyes closed and he just continues to rub my feet. It awes me that his rough hands can touch my body in a way that makes it feel so good.

“I’m really proud of you today,” He says softly.

“You tried to kill me today,” I retort.

He chuckles.

“You hung in there,” He continued.

“Only because I know you’d get really mad if I didn’t,” I tell him.

He stops rubbing my feet. Then I feel him kissing my toes. I suddenly feel self conscious because I haven’t showered and I just worked out. Why is he doing that?

But he keeps kissing my feet. Even the backs of it. I open my eyes and watch him.

Then he reaches out to cup his hand around my vagina.

My body feels like it is scorching when he does that.

He rubs me softly through my shorts and as naturally as if he were petting an animal.

“I wouldn’t get mad at you,” He tells me.

I can’t even really hear him because my mind is focused on how he’s making me feel between my legs.

“I just want you to try to better yourself,” He says.

What does he mean by that?

“Well I don’t care about the Army the way you do,” I snap at him after he says that, “I’m not making this a career”

Alvarez stops stroking my crotch.

“And I am going to better myself,” I continue defensively, “Once I get out of here, I’m going to College and I won’t be in debt and they’ll pay me to get my degree”

His hand rests on me still, but the good feeling is gone.

“Just because my plan isn’t yours doesn’t mean it isn’t one,” I say finally.

Alvarez rubs his thumbs over the fabric of my shorts. Then he starts pulling them down. He takes them off of me and throws them on the floor.

Then he lifts my legs up and pulls off my cotton white granny panties.

Now I’m bare down there in front of him.

He positions my legs again so that they are open up wide and spread.

He looks at me and I stare at him.

My heart is beating really fast. I have no idea what he is about to do, because he still has his clothes on and my top and bra are still on.

Maybe he’s going to just pull down his shorts and just fuck me with them around his ankles. The thought of that makes my body tingle.

But instead he gets on his knees in front of my legs and leans his head down.

At first he just rubs my thighs with his hands. Just like how he was rubbing my feet. And it feels good. Like he’s massaging them.

But I don’t want him down there like this. Especially since I haven’t showered and I know it must smell like sweat and today's work day all over. I lean up on my elbows to tell him to stop.

But instead he just buries his nose in me. And he takes a big whiff.

I feel mortified, even though the buzzing starts and I can feel myself leaking a little. She likes that he’s so up close and personal to her like this.

“Christopher,” I called his name, “Stop. Let me at least take a shower first”

Alvarez pulls his nose away but still has his face down there.

“No, I like it,” He says quietly, “You smell really sweet”

Sweet isn’t the word I would use for it. But he doesn’t seem to be affected.

Then he licks me.

My head rolls back before I can even process what he just did. Why am I so sensitive down there? It feels like he just pressed a million tiny buttons all at once.

Then he starts licking me again, as if I’m some kind of piece of candy.

I feel my breathing get heavier and my elbows buckle. I lack back down and reach in between my legs to grab at the top of his head as he keeps lapping his tongue at me.

“Christopher,” But this time I’m moaning his name. I don’t think I want him to stop anymore.

Then he licks this part of me that tickles. I jolted a little bit because I can’t decide if it feels good or not.

But then he presses his mouth up against it and encloses it. He starts sucking on that part
of me like it’s a straw. That’s when it feels really damn good.

“Oh god,” I moan, “Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!”

I’ve never called out for God to come and save me this much in my life.

And I’m pretty sure if I die right now He’d probably kick my ass right to hell for the way I went out.

I see Him up in heaven just shaking his head at what he sees I’m doing, “Save yourself, bitch”.

Alvarez keeps sucking and licking that same spot until I think I’m humping his face and holding his head like I’m about to squeeze out his brain.

“Jesus,” I cry, “Jesus!”

And that’s when I see stars and a bright flashing light.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I’m pretty sure I am dead.

Like, really dead.

I feel my body convulse one last final time.

And that’s the end of me.

I wonder how Alvarez will explain it to the unit.

Because I’m dead.

“During sex?!” I can hear my mother screaming and crying on the phone when the VA calls to tell her the bad news.

“Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry. Your daughter did a great service to this country. It was a freak accident,” They will say.

“But it was during sex?!” That will be the only thing she’ll be fixated on.

She won’t show up to claim my body. Or plan my funeral. She’d tell everyone that I died in the line of duty. That there was nothing left of me. That I went on some random deployment and got killed by a bomb that was meant to kill the enemies but that took innocent civilians lives along with mine. Just another casualty of another senseless war.

“It’s what she signed up for,” My mom will tell the rest of my family.

They’ll say prayers for me during the first month. Maybe they’ll even bring me up every now and then at a few dinners throughout the first year. But eventually, they’ll go on about their lives. And it will be like I never existed.

No College.

No becoming a teacher.

Just dead at nineteen after having sex with her Army boyfriend.

How pathetic.

But it does seem like me, doesn’t it?

I mean, I never imagined how I would die but this now seems like a perfect ending.

Alvarez gave me so much pleasure in the end. And I did say that I would want my final wish before I am buried to have him on top of me one last time.

I wonder what will happen to Alvarez now.

He’ll probably be really shaken up.

He’ll feel guilty.

And probably won’t ever lick another girl down there ever again in his life in case he risks killing her in the same way.

He’ll stay in the Military like he always said he will.

Do his 20 years like his dad.

Retire.

Find another girl that he falls madly in love with and who he tells how he’ll never leave her and how crazy she makes him feel and how he will be with her forever.

They’ll get married.

She’ll have all ten of his babies that he wants.

And he’ll only think about me whenever his wife begs him to lick her vagina.

XXXXXXXX

I open my eyes.

I’m really pissed at that last part. There’s no way I’m going to let Alvarez forget me and only think about me when he wants to do oral.

That’s when I realize that I’m not dead.

I’m actually still alive.

And Alvarez is stroking my leg while spooning me.

I can feel his warm breath on the side of my cheek.

I feel a little groggy.

I realize that I’m under the covers but I’m still bare down below. And then I notice I’m now also bare on top, too.

I turn to look at Alvarez and he instinctively shifts so I can move. He’s naked as well.

I guess we did need to get out of our sweaty gym clothes.

I want to get up and take a shower but I know it is pointless since I’ll just get sweaty again at PT in the morning.

I rest my head on Alvarez’s chest and he wraps his arm around me.

“You finally came to,” He says in a low voice and chuckles.

“How long have I passed out?” I ask.

“For a long time. After I went down on you, you just rolled over and fell asleep,” He informs me.

Huh. Is that what happened? I could have sworn I died. Or astral projected. Or some kind of outer body shit.

“I had a weird dream,” I told him.

“What happened?” He asked me.

“I dreamt that you would only think about me now every time you give oral,” I say.

Alvarez sits up and looks at me. He places his hand on my cheek and strokes my face.

“I never want to give another girl oral if it isn’t you,” He says.

Suddenly I get a ping of jealousy. He was really good at that. Way better than me when I try to give him oral.

But of course he must have already done this on other girls before. He has more dating experience than I do.

I can’t help it though. I want specifics.

“How did you learn how to do all of that?” I ask him.

He looks a little like he doesn’t want to tell me. And maybe he shouldn’t. I can’t imagine him in between Cabrera’s legs telling her the same things he told me. I know it shouldn’t, but it makes me jealous.

“Carole,” He finally answers.

I sit up and look at him.

“Christopher,” I say quietly, “I don’t want you doing to me what Carole made you do”

He sighs.

“It wasn't like that,” He tries to tell me but I hold up my hand.

“We need to get you more therapy,” I say.

“But I finished the group,” His brows furrow, “I’ve changed a lot. Can’t you tell?”

“Yes,” I say.

“But you need to talk to someone one on one, too,” I tell him.

Alvarez lays back down and throws his arm over his eyes.

“I don’t know about all of that,” He says.

“Or at least tell your dad the truth about what Carole did to you whenever he was gone,” I continue.

Alvarez let out a laugh. As if I am missing something.

“I can’t tell my dad shit,” He says.

“Christopher,” I say testily.

“He’s your father, he loves you. If he knew what Carole did he wouldn’t be with her still,” I assure him.

Alvarez takes his arm off his face and just stares up at the ceiling for a long time.

“My dad doesn’t love me,” He says quietly.

I look down at him and reach out to stroke his forehead.

“Yes, he does,” I tell him reassuringly, “Every parent loves their child”

But I realize that I’m lying. Alvarez sits up.

“Yeah, sure,” He says, “If that were true I wouldn’t have went twenty years and counting without my fucking mother”

I can feel the sting in his words.

“What I meant to say is that most parents love their children and every parent isn’t perfect,” I whisper.

Alvarez looks at me.

I rub his back.

“I haven’t even told my dad that I lost my rank,” He whispers.

We don’t talk about rank. I don’t even bring up the word around Alvarez, because I feel guilty. If I hadn't treated him the way I did leading up to that night or told him about Lopez…he’d still have it.

“And I can’t tell him,” He says.

“Yes, you can,” I say.

Alvarez sighs.

“No, I can’t” He whispers and the way his voice sounds I feel like he’s scared.

He’s quiet for a long time.

I just rub his back like my mother would do when I can’t stop crying or wake up from a bad dream at night.

“Sometimes I look in the mirror and I ask myself, ‘What are you going to do Chris?’ And that’s when I start doing things that I know I shouldn’t. Like poisoning someone’s water bottle so I can be the only one who gets to make a high score on the PT test. I don’t mean to hurt people. I never would hurt anyone. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

I look and I say, ‘I’ll just make him have the runs so that way he won’t show up or he’ll be sick during the day of the test’. And I really believe that I’m a good person still, even though I’m contaminating someone’s drink and cheating my way to the top. But if it feels like it is the only way I can win, then I don’t care. I just do it.

Because that’s what my dad taught me. To not be a loser. To not be a pussy. To strive for the best. And I realize that it isn’t my voice saying, ‘What are you going to do, Chris?’. It’s his.”

I listen to him quietly.

I keep stroking his back until something in the back of my mind keeps screaming at me.

My heart almost stops and I tell myself it’s just because I’m kind of scared at how he said his mind works. Poisoning someone’s drink? I remember teasing him about that before but I never really thought it was an option he’d consider.

But then I remember the things he has done. And that’s only the things I know about.

Suddenly that screaming comes straight to the front of my head as my mind flashes back to when we were at the gym. Lopez was with us today.

I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Alvarez wouldn’t, right? He said himself just now that he’s changed.

But that story sounded way too specific to just be a coincidence.

I stop rubbing Alvarez’s back. And my hand falls to my side.

“C-Christopher,” I ask shakily, “You didn’t do anything to Lopez today did you?”

I remember we all had water bottles and we lined them up together. I also remember seeing Alvarez near them by himself once, but I just thought he was getting a sip of his water. He couldn’t have done anything that fast. There’s no way. He’s not some kind of psychopath.

But Alvarez doesn’t answer me. And I realize that he’s being too quiet.

Now I’m terrified.

Lopez drank out of his water bottle!

Alarm bells ring off in my head and I immediately get up.

But just as I grab my phone and am about to call Lopez to tell him to go to the Emergency room at the VA because I think he might have been poisoned, Alvarez grabs my hand before I can even press the button.

I look at him.

He really does seem scary now.

What if he really is evil? Like Ted Bundy level evil?

“Christopher,” I whisper shakily, “Let go of me”

But he doesn’t. Instead he starts to pry my phone from my hand. I try to fight him off, but he’s stronger than me and just easily pushes me to the side.

Once he has my phone, he takes it…

And then slams it against the wall.

Ok.

Now I’m ready to scream for help.

I’ve never seen any shit like this in my life.

He slams my phone one more time and it looks like it got run over by a truck with how the pieces fly out.

He lets the pieces fall to the floor from his hand.

He doesn’t say anything for a long time.

And I’m too scared to move.

Then finally he turns to me.

“I’m sorry, Majesty,” He says and he looks defeated, “I’m not perfect. I’m trying to change and I am changing, but sometimes I can’t help it”

“You just need more help,” I say and realize that I’m starting to cry, “We’ll get you some more help”

He comes over to me and tries to reach out for me, but I instinctively jerk away. I think my fight or flight reflexes kicked in the moment he morphed into the Incredible Hulk out of nowhere.

He looks alarmed at my reaction.

I feel so tiny next to him even though I know I am almost as tall as he is.

“Don’t be scared of me,” He whispers, “I would never do anything like that to you”

And by that I wonder if he means poisoning me or slamming me against a wall until I break.

“Well you’re acting like a psychopath,” I tell him.

He looks hurt when I say that.

“I’m not acting like a psychopath,” He says.

“Alvarez,” I say shakily, “Today you basically lured Lopez to come exercise at the gym with you, acted like you were his friend, and then proceeded to slip something in his drink!”

“And then you came back here and made love to me like nothing happened!” I shriek.

“That doesn’t sound a little psychotic to you?” I ask him.

He blinks.

“And you broke my phone into a million pieces,” My voice is shrill, “But expect me not to be scared of you?”

“I only did that because I didn’t want you to call 1SG or LT,” He says as if that makes his response normal.

“I wasn’t going to call them!” I cry, “I just going to tell Lopez that he needed to go to the ER!”

Tears slip down my cheeks.

“I can’t have you doing that either,” Alvarez says, “It’ll ruin everything”

“Well, maybe it needs to be ruined!” I snapped at him.

“I swear, Majesty. Nothing I did to him is going to kill him. He’s just going to feel like he’s got a stomach flu or something,” Alvarez reaches out and grabs my shoulders.

I keep crying.

“You’re scaring me Christopher,” I whisper.

“Please don’t say that,” He whispers back, “I don’t want you to be scared of me”

He cups my face with his hands and wipes my tears with his thumbs.

“Why did you do this?” My voice cracks, “You should have told me you were having these kinds of thoughts again!”

He just pulls me to him and hugs me tight.

“Shhhhhh,” He whispers as he strokes my hair.

He kisses the top of my forehead.

“I swear,” Alvarez tells me, “Everything is going to work out”

But what does he mean by that?

I’m too scared to ask.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Alvarez’s plan is to get his PV2 rank back at least.

He tells me that 1SG really likes him again and that if he makes the highest score on this PT test it will make 1SG see that Alvarez is a good soldier instead of a troubled one since the night at the club.

“It’s all about perception,” Alvarez keeps telling me, “People’s perception of you is reality. I fucked up one time and all the good I did just went out the window”

The rest of the week I spend watching Lopez.

The first two days he’s fine. But by day three I can tell it is hitting him. He’s not his usual, joking, bouncing self anymore.

And on the day of the PT test, he basically looks like he shouldn’t even be standing let alone stretching and getting ready like everyone else.

Alvarez ordered me a new cell phone online to replace the one he broke. So, until then I have to tell Raymond and Martinez that I dropped it accidentally in the toilet. I ask them to let Bennett know, who is still on leave with Sawyer in Maryland.

Then I have to take the task of letting SSG McDonald know.

Which starts another weird conversation with him once again.

I tell him about my phone and that I’m waiting on a new one.

But he just looks me up and down.

“What were you doing to drop it in the toilet?” He asks.

“It just slipped out of my hands, SSG,” I say because what else can I say. I’m not about to give him any more details or fall for his bait.

“I see you’re with that latino boy again,” He says.

He’s being creepy, but I have to play along.

“Alvarez, SSG,” I say.

“Yeah,” He tells me, “He treating you right?”

Then I notice his eyes are roaming me like I’m some kind of fresh piece of meat.

I hold my breath.

“Because you look like a girl that needs a lot of attention,” He continues, “The quiet ones always are”

“He’s treating me just fine, SSG,” I say.

I wish I was invisible to him again. Ever since I started talking it’s like he thinks he can say anything he wants to me now.

“Good,” He says and then he licks his lips, “Well let me know if he doesn’t”

With that I hurry the hell away.

I really should report him. But what can I say? He made me feel uncomfortable? He makes sure to word everything in such a way that it can’t really be interpreted as sexual harrassment. I feel icky though every time I have to speak to him. I wonder how long he’s going to be able to get away with acting like this. Especially with the Army cracking down on these kinds of things more now. But I sadly know he’ll probably retire before they ever catch him.

I walk back over to Raymond and Martinez. Since it is the PT test, no one really cares about squad lines right now.

As we finish stretching and the first part of the test is about to begin, I glance over at Alvarez. He looks happy and he’s joking with some of the other guys. Anyone else who sees him would just think he’s a regular soldier and this is a regular testing day.

Doesn’t he feel guilty at all?

“I’m worried about Lopez,” Martinez says and I nearly jump out of my skin.

“W-Why,” I say and try to act nonchalant.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with him? He didn’t even say a smart ass remark to me like he usually does when I saw him,” Raymond asks.

“Goodwin says he has the flu or something,” She tells us, “Even when I went over to their barracks, he was in the bathroom the entire time”

My hands start to sweat.

“I didn’t want to say anything, but he does look like shit,” Raymond admits, “I just thought maybe he didn’t sleep or something the night before”

We can’t say anymore because names are being called and it’s time.

I look over at Alvarez one last time.

And as if he can feel my gaze, he turns to look at me too.

Then he smiles.

XxxxxxX

Alvarez gets what he wants.

Exactly what he wants, actually.

Because he is the only one in our unit to make a really high score.

I do better than I’ve ever done my entire time in the Army so far, but I’m still low.

But I can tell Alvarez is on a high.

It doesn’t even seem to register to him that he only was the best because Lopez was out of it today.

I watched as Lopez clutched his stomach after making it back from the final run.

And I saw how disappointed 1SG looked at him. It was like Lopez never made perfect scores a day in his life before. Or as if the score he came up with today wasn’t commendable. LT was the only one with enough human decency to still applaud Lopez for making it back in a still considerably fast amount of time.

I guess Alvarez was right, though.

Perception is reality and even when you don’t do as well one time it doesn’t matter how much good you’ve done. At least in the Army.

As we walk back to the barracks I can hear Alvarez talking about how happy he is with how good he did.

But every time someone comes up to him to congratulate him on his score, I literally want to hurl.

We get back in my room and I’m shocked when Alvarez tries to come on to me by asking if I want to take a shower together.

I push him away. I can’t bear this.

“What?” He asks as if he’s completely clueless.

I’m not turned on by him right now. At all. Especially if he’s this heartless.

“You don’t feel the least bit bad about what you did?” I ask him.

He lets out a low breath.

I sit down on the bed and stare at him expectantly.

I’m searching for something in his face.

Remorse maybe?

But I can’t find any. Not even a little.

“Look,” He tells me gently, “I told you that Lopez is going to be fine. He’ll feel better in a few more days”

“Yeah, but he did horrible today,” I say.

“A 260 PT score is not horrible,” Alvarez challenges.

“It is when you’re used to getting 300s!” I shout, my voice hitching with pent up emotion.

Alvarez is pissed.

He takes off his PT shirt and goes out of the room to the bathroom.

I get up and follow him.

“Lopez didn’t deserve any of this,” I continue trying to bring about some sort of a consience in him, “Just because you want to get your rank back doesn’t mean you had to hurt him like that”

Alvarez stands near the shower and turns on the water.

He doesn’t look at me at all.

“I think you should at least call Lopez and tell him that you think he did a great job today,” I offer gently….pleadingly, “That might make him feel better”

Alvarez turns on me.

“Why the fuck do you care about Lopez so much?!” He shouts and he brushes past me.

The water in the shower is still running.

I go over and turn it off.

Where did that come from?

I don’t care about Lopez anymore than as a friend.

Alvarez comes back to the bathroom area and he’s naked now and carrying a fresh washcloth and towel.

“Why did you turn the shower off?” He snaps at me.

He pushes me aside. I’m shocked and watch as he turns the shower back on.

That push was what I needed though to finally bring about my anger at him.

“Because you shouldn’t leave the water running,” I snap.

“Man, you always sound like a fucking mom or something,” He mumbles under his breath.

“Well maybe if you had one you wouldn’t be doing dumb stuff like this!” I yell back at him.

He glares at me.

And he just throws his towel over the curtain bar and gets in the shower. Then he closes the curtain in my face. I stand there seething. He’s being so mean. All I want him to do is show a little compassion.

I listen to the water run.

And I don’t know how else to get him back for what he did to Lopez, so I immaturely reach out and flush the toilet.

He yells as the water turns cold.

I run back to the room as I hear him shout my name.

I slam the door and lock it.

How does he like that, I think.

I guess he’ll think about his actions today as he’s wet, naked, and can’t get back in the room.

That’s the only way I can think to punish him right now for what he did to Lopez.

A good time out might help Alvarez think about how wrong he was.

I can’t help but think of what he said now, though. No one has ever accused me of sounding like a mother. I’m not like Bennett. I just want Alvarez to remember that he has a heart.

Alvarez tries to open the door to get back in.

“Majesty, open the door!” He shouts.

“No!” I shout back.

He beats on the door and to be honest he sounds like he’s mad enough to the point where I’m really scared to unlock it and even let him back in. I don’t know what he’ll do to me.

After a while he stops banging on the door. But I can hear him pacing around.

What could he be doing?

And then all of a sudden the door just bursts open off the hinges.

I nearly scream like someone broke into my house.

That’s how shocked I am to see him standing there after having kicked the door down.

He has his towel wrapped around his waist and his eyes look crazy.

I feel like I should flee.

But when I turn around to run out the front door, he runs into the room, grabs me, and picks me up. Even as I kick and try to get out of his reach.

But of course he’s stronger than me and really pissed. So, that makes a horrible combination.

But my adrenaline is running too, and I do what I think I should do. These few periods of combat training didn’t teach me much, but my instincts take over.

I claw at his hands, then reach down and bite one instead.

I sink my teeth in him hard.

And he yells in pain. But it is just enough time to let me break free as his grip loosens around me.

I almost get the front door open, but he shuts it again. And then he grabs me once more.

I’m kicking as if I’m fighting for my life.

He whirls me around and practically body slams me on the bed.

Then he holds my arms down by my side and presses his knee against my lower body.

“Stop,” He tells me.

But I keep trying to move.

He takes one hand and let’s go of my other.

I keep trying to get out of his grasp.

I feel like I’m watching my cousins fight with one another. I never had siblings, so I couldn’t understand when they would get so angry that they’d just be reduced to tousling.

Alvarez manages to pin both my hands with one of his and he uses his other to place over my mouth.

“I said STOP!” He shouts at me.

I listen to him this time.

I’m breathing really hard, but it is made difficult by the fact that his hand is covering my mouth.

“Are you going to listen to me?” He asks.

I nod my head.

He takes his hand off my mouth.

And then he slowly releases me and gets off of me. I notice that the towel has fallen and he’s still kind of wet from the shower.

Alvarez is breathing heavily, too.

“Why did you do that?” He says through pants of breath.

I begin to cry.

“Because I hate you,” I say out of nowhere, “You’re so evil”

He looks at me and I realize his eyes are glazed over and he has an erection.

He pulls off my shorts before I can say anything. And my underwear comes away with it too.

Then he turns me on my side so that my leg is propped up and he can access me easily standing.

I hate it, but I am wet for him already.

He enters me and starts stroking me really fast.

I grab onto the bed sheets, because this time I don’t have his shoulders to hold.

“You hate me?” He asks.

“Yes,” I whimper.

He slaps my ass and I let out a moan.

He doesn’t stop pounding me though.

“You hate me?” He asks again.

“Yes,” I tell him once more. But I can’t lie…I don’t know if I’m telling the truth. Especially not with my body responding to him like this as he penetrates me.

He starts really giving it to me and picks up speed. He even places his leg up on the bed and angles down further into me.

His hands grip my leg and he just keeps stroking.

“Why do you hate me?” He grunts.

“Because,” I whimper as tears form in my eyes. I feel so much pleasure that I don’t know if I can take it, “You’re evil”

“I told you this is just the plan right now,” He says as he leans down to my ear and kisses the side of my head. He strokes match his words.

I begin to hear that sound again. The one that sounds like a kid is splashing in a pool.

“You’ve got to trust me,” He murmurs into my hair.

“I don’t trust you,” I whimper.

But that makes him start really going at it.

He goes faster and faster until I just close my eyes and bite my lips and take it.

Then he lets out a huge groan. One I’ve never heard from him before. Ever.

I can feel him pushing himself deep inside of me as he makes this noise.

I instinctively know that he’s releasing himself in me.

And it feels so, so, so good that I bite my lip knowing how amazing it is that I can make him cum in me like this.

Wait.

XxxxxxX

Alvarez is panting and groaning as he cums. And it feels like he’s going to go on forever.

My heart beat is sky rocketing out of my chest right now as I feel hot, thick fluid enter me.

It feels funny. Like he’s taking a leak in my vagina.

But I also instinctively start squeezing my muscles around him as if to beg him to release even more.

He nearly collapses on the bed after he pulls out of me.

I can feel some of the semen starting to leak out. And I begin to think that maybe it didn’t get all the way in. I still have hope.

Alvarez is laying on the bed as I get up. Sure enough some of the fluid starts spilling down my legs. This is a good sign, I tell myself in a panic.

Maybe if I don’t let it sink in, it won’t affect me.

I hurry out my now broken door and grab my wash cloth from the bathroom room. I frantically try to open my legs and wipe whatever is left out.

I even spread my labia and try to open my vagina up and jump a few times so the rest of the cum will fall out.

That should be enough right? Right? Fuck.

I toss my washcloth down and run back into the room where Alvarez is still laying on the bed. Does he even know what he just did?

I open up my computer and go to google.

I look at planned parenthood and the pull out method.

My eyes scan and scan and scan. But it doesn’t say anything about getting all the cum out. The cum can’t get you pregnant if you wiped it all out, right?

I search on reddit. But there’s no real consensus there either, just a bunch of girls who say how they wanted a baby so they would lift their legs in the air to keep the cum in.

Maybe I’m safe.

But my heart keeps beating really fast anyway and my hands start sweating.

I want to go to Messenger and call my mom. But Alvarez is still in the room with me, I’m naked from the waist down, and she doesn’t know that I’ve been having sex. Let alone sex without a condom.

I want to call Bennett but Alvarez broke my freaking phone, so I can’t call her. And she rarely if ever is on Facebook.

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder.

I turn around in my chair and I see Alvarez is looking at me.

He shocks me by sinking to his knees and placing his head in my lap.

“I swear…”He tells me and I think he’s going to say he swore he didn’t mean to ejaculate in me or that he swore he’ll never do it again.

“I swear…I’m going to take care of you if there’s a baby,” He finishes.

A baby?

XxxxxxxxX

I’ve never prayed for something so hard in my life before.

Actually, I’ve never prayed this much before in my life at all so far.

I get down on my hands and knees and plead with God to not let me get pregnant. That I will never have sex again. That I will give up Alvarez and all of his evil side for good.

Maybe God sent Alvarez to tempt me. My grandma was really spiritual. She would always tell me about how people can come into our lives as a test from The Lord.

And I already knew Alvarez was a Devil in a Sunday suit. He’s taken me down the road of lust, deceit, and greed.

Sure, did I walk hand in hand with him for one of those? Yes. But do I deserve to be punished for the other two? No.

I can feel Alvarez watching me as I pray silently and move my lips talking to God.

I will go to church on Sunday. Find one right here or the chapel on the base. I will never curse or call on His name in vain again.

Just give me a second chance, I plead with God.

“Majesty,” Alvarez says.

I ignore him.

He leans down and tries to touch me, but I push his hands away.

Then I go back to praying.

Finally, I hear him put on some clothes. Then I hear him open the door and leave.

XxxxxxxX

I’m sitting on the bed, still bargaining with God.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I made my bed and I have to lay in it. Just like my mom did with me. I have to accept the fact that I had sex before marriage and deal with it.

The thing is…how?

If I do get pregnant, then is it safe to say God didn’t listen to me?

But I could take matters into my own hands and just get an abortion.

A wash of relief floods me.

But then I feel a pain of guilt.

What if God says, “You keep trying to do things your own way” and punishes me even more later for killing what He let happen?

This is my sin.

And maybe having a baby would have to be my punishment.

Like Mary with Jesus.

Also I know Alvarez doesn’t want me to abort his baby.

He just said he wants to take care of me and the baby if there is one.

He would probably get really intense and go crazy evil like I’ve never seen before if I even think the word abortion.

I sit up.

What if he planned this?

What if he set me up like he did to Lopez?

My heart is pounding.

If I do get pregnant then I will have to have Alvarez in my life forever.

And that’s what he wants. Maybe this is his goal.

So that I will never be rid of him even if I want to be…

XxxxxX

When Alvarez comes back, I’m showered, dressed, and about to be late for work.

He is dressed in his uniform, too I see. He has something in a plastic bag. And he gives it to me.

I take it out and it is Plan B contraceptive.

I’ve heard of it, but I didn’t know you could just buy it outright at….

I look down at the bag.

Walmart of all places?

I thought I needed to go to a doctor or something.

“Is this going to abort the baby?” I ask him, “When do I take it? After I take a pregnancy test?”

Alvarez doesn’t even answer my question.

“Read the box,” He says as if I’m stupid.

I don’t like the way he just spoke to me.

It stings and doesn’t feel good.

Like when he pushed me out his way earlier.

But I do as he says. And right I away I whisper, “Thank you, God”

The relief I feel is so immense, I sit down on the bed.

“God didn’t do shit,” I hear Alvarez mumble under his breath.

Ok.

He’s really crossing the line now.

But I try my best to be nice.

“Thank you,” I say, hoping my voice sounds sweet. Instead it comes off as faint.

Alvarez is gathering his things and doesn’t even act like he hears me.

Not this again.

I go in the kitchen since he’s being really mean to me. I don’t understand why. He’s the one who messed up. And he also broke my door. I’m going to have to report it to get fixed.

I take the Plan B.

When I come back in the room, Alvarez is still there staring at his phone.

“Aren’t you going to be late for work?” I ask him. Because I’m surprised he hasn’t gone yet.

“I’m already late,” He says shortly.

He’s agitating me. But I don’t need a repeat of us fighting again.

There’s no time for it and it’s not healthy.

“Ok, have a good day,” I say cheerfully like he’s not acting like a complete jerk.

“If you don’t want to get pregnant, get on the pill,” He says out of nowhere and like I’m some kind of dummy. As if I wasn’t just bidding him farewell lovingly.

He puts his phone in his shoulder pocket and is about to head out when I can’t help myself.

“Nigga, who the fuck do you think you’re talking to like that?”

The voice takes both of us by surprise. Especially me.

It’s my ghetto voice again. The one that sounds like I’m a stereotypical black woman from some terrible 90s movie about what it is like to grow up poor, black, and from the hood.

“Don’t you ever…and I mean ever…fix your mouth to talk to me like I’m some kind of bitch off the street again,” I tell him.

Alvarez turns around and his face looks like he’s guilty because he knows how he was just talking to me wasn’t right.

“Don’t get it twisted, nigga,” I say.

Why does the hood girl keep calling him that? He’s not even black. But she doesn’t care.

Then she or I…I’m not sure which one is taking over at this point…walks past him and pushes through the front door.

XxxxxX

Everyone else thinks I’m this sweet angel. Even Martinez doesn’t know who I can be sometimes. She doesn’t know how many things I’m keeping from her.

I am trying to protect Alvarez. Or maybe I am trying to protect myself because, like Bennett said about Sawyer…I’m guilty by association alone.

She tells me that after the PT test, Lopez went to sick call and got sent home for the next few days for a stomach virus.

She even starts to worry that Goodwin might get it as well since he is Lopez’s roommate and they share a kitchen and bathroom area.

I try to calm her nerves, but what can I really say. I feel horrible that I can’t tell her the truth. I can’t tell her that Lopez isn’t contagious or that he didn’t get sick from natural causes.

On our way back from our Friday final formation, we see Raymond driving by in her car. She gives us a ride even though we usually just walk because our building is close to the barracks.

We tell her about Lopez and she actually says she might stop by and bring him some homemade soup that her grandma in Haiti would make for her when she was feeling sick with a stomach bug. And she also starts swapping home remedies with Martinez about possible ways Lopez can feel better. I don’t have the heart to join in.

Instead I just feel guilty.

Once I make it back to my room, I think about if I should break up with Alvarez. Or at the very least tell him I need some space and to give me back my extra room key card.

I try to decide whether or not we are good for each other or not. I feel like our relationship is kind of toxic. I keep trying to change him but one of my favorite r&b songs even says that you can’t change a man.

Maybe I should have listened more to those lyrics.

I play that song on repeat on my laptop for hours as I wait for Alvarez to come by my room.

But he never shows.

I even send him several messages on Facebook, but he doesn’t respond.

And then I message him repeatedly on instagram.

I see he’s posted on his story, but he won’t even look at my messages.

I tell myself not to, but I click to view his story.

The first thing I see is an expensive bottle of wine. From the looks of it he seems to be in a club somewhere. The next thing I see is a video he’s uploaded to show some girls dressed in next to nothing shaking their asses for his and other guy’s cameras as they all cheer. My blood boils.

But the next picture really makes tears spring to my eyes. It’s a picture of a girl holding up her light blonde hair.

She’s showing off her back and a purple, lilac bra from the looks of it. And then you can just see the curve of her waist.

It doesn’t look like this picture was taken in a club anymore but in a room somewhere. A nice one at that. Like a hotel.

And whoever this girl is, she is really beautiful from what I can tell. Just by her back. I instantly just know she’s gorgeous.

But what really gets to me is that she’s way lighter than me, even lighter than Martinez’s skin color.

I know right away that she’s a white girl.

The complete opposite of me.

That’s a big hit to my self esteem.

However, the worst part is the way Alvarez took the picture. It’s like the girl must have been directly in front of him or sitting on his lap for him to take a photo like that.

I close my laptop.

Dry my eyes.

And get in my bed.

If that isn’t clear enough, I don’t know what is.

Alvarez has decided for me.

We’re officially over.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’m awakened from my sleep when I hear my front door open. I look and I see Alvarez, dressed really nicely in a pair of denim and a black shirt that hugs his muscles.

He has the audacity to come into my room like he owns the place.

My blood boils over when he takes off his shirt and starts to unzip his pants like he can just crawl into bed with me. Who does he think he is? Who does he think I am?

“Motherfucker,” I hiss as I sit up…my ghetto voice on full force. I can’t believe he has the audacity, “Put your fucking clothes back on. Don’t you take another step”

But he doesn’t listen to me. I can see him pull his pants off and kick off his socks and shoes.

Is he deaf?

I am not playing with his ass.

“Put my key on my table. And.Get. The. Fuck. Out.” I finish.

I enunciate each word so it is clear as day that he needs to go.

He keeps on ignoring me.

Instead he even has the nerve to take off his boxers and walk over to my bed.

Oh, this dude is bold.

He has absolutely no respect for me if he thinks he can come and fuck me after he’s clearly been with another bitch.

“Did you tell her you can pull out, too? Like how you told me? Did you use a condom?,” My voice is laced with acid. My words come at him like poisinous gases. If only I had access to some right now. Or I’d go into the armory, steal my fire arm, and shoot him dead that’s how awful he is making me feel right now.

But he just proceeds to climb into my bed.

“Did you say she makes her want you so bad you can’t take it or whatever other fucking lies you’ve been whispering in my ear this entire time!” I scream at him as he moves over me as if I’m not even there, to lay on the other side.

He smells like smoke and alcohol.

“...Did you tell her that you want to be with her forever?” My voice breaks at that. I’m beginning to tremble.

He rolls over and faces the wall like he’s just about to go to sleep.

I’m so mad.

I need a knife.

I think about going into the kitchen area and rummaging for anything I can find. But the truth is we use nothing but plastic since we don’t have a stove and cant cook unless it’s in the common area.

I get up and go over to his pants.

First, I get my card key from his wallet.

He sits up now as he watches me dig in his pocket for his phone.

He has a passcode, but I know how to call 9-1-1 from a locked phone.

I turn to him and use this as if I’m holding a gun.

“If you don’t get your sorry ass out of my room in the next ten seconds, I’m calling 9-1-1 and telling them that we’re having a domestic situation, that we’re in the barracks, that you’re drunk and that you won’t leave my room even though I told you aren’t welcome anymore,” I say angrily, “And that fucking rank you want so bad that you’re willing to cheat because you know you’ll never be good enough..not even on your best fucking day...well, you can kiss that shit goodbye”

“We’ll see how much the 1SG likes you when he has to get dragged out of bed on a Friday night to get your ass out of trouble again,” I finish snarkily.

Alvarez stares at my face. As if he’s ready to test just how serious I am.

“Ten..” I count to show him that I am not fucking around.

He swings his feet over the bed.

He gets up and begins to walk towards me.

“Don’t you come another motherfucking step closer to me,” I say because I know what he’s going to try to do.

I kick him his pants and boxers, toss his shirt at him, and then his wallet.

He looks at me.

“Nine…” I start again.

He begrudgingly starts to get dressed.

“Eight…” I snap.

He zips up his pants.

I then slid his shoes across the floor to him. And throw his socks.

“Seven…”

He puts those on.

“Six…”

I keep a safe distance between us.

“Five…”

I say and my body moves to the side as he moves to the door.

“Four..”

He grabs the door and looks at me.

“Three…” I hiss to show him I’m dead ass serious.

He opens it.

“Two…”

He steps outside.

I hurry and throw his phone out the door on the ground, and slam the door shut.

I lock it.

If he tries to kick this one down, well I will go to CQ and tell whoever’s on duty that I need help because Alvarez is trying to break into my room.

I don’t want to do that.

And even as I was threatening to call 9-1-1 on him it hurt me to say that stuff to him.

But why would he treat me like this?

Why is he acting so mean and cold and disrespectful to me?

I press my eye against my peephole and I realize that he’s already gone.

I take my extra card key and stick it in my desk drawer.

I realize that for all the anger I feel…
I still love him.

And I’m broken down at the thought that he’s most likely cheated on me with whoever that girl was in that picture.

Why would I still have love for him after he does something like that?

Why can I love someone who has hurt me so much?

Why do I still love someone who has hurt other people so much?

Why do I still love Alvarez?

XXXXXXXX

The weekend goes by and I force myself to do things that I should do.

Like block Alvarez on social media.

Mainly because I don’t want to be tempted to see his posts.

I don’t really use social media other than Facebook, but Alvarez encouraged me to get an instagram.

I don’t post, but Bennett, Raymond, and Martinez added me and tagged me in photos, which caused other people in our unit to follow me. And somehow that spiraled to me even getting followed by people I went to Basic and AIT with. Despite the fact that none of them seemed to like me. And then people I knew in High School and even Elementary school found me on instagram, too.

The only people I have on Facebook are my family members. And Alvarez and Bennett because they still have an account although most people our age have moved on. I don’t post much on Facebook either except to congratulate family members on new life events or comment on happy holidays or happy birthday. But I did stalk Alvarez once we started dating.

I had gone through both his social medias as if I was a middle school girl obsessively searching up on her crush after he added me. I had found pictures of him from way back to when he was in middle school on Facebook. He was right that he was bigger than he is now. It actually surprised me when I first saw the pictures. I couldn’t believe it was the same Alvarez I know today. The boy looked so introverted and shy. Like a little sweetheart or teddy bear. And then it dawned on me that parts of that boy are still in Alvarez, he’s just lost weight and gained more confidence.

I had also found Carole. Carole Ackerman. I wanted to send her a message and tell her to leave Alvarez alone from now on. That he doesn’t need her messing with him anymore, especially since he’s older now. When he was younger, he really had no choice. But now he doesn’t need her coming on to him and trying to groom him into sex. But I didn’t. Sometimes I thought about asking her why or how she could even do that to a child. However, I didn’t feel like trying to get through to the psyche of someone who committed an act of pedophilia and then proceeded to groom that child for the next seven years of his life.

When I found Alvarez’s dad I couldn’t believe how handsome he was. Alvarez looks a lot like him. Jonathan Alvarez isn’t very active on social media, just like me. But from the posts that he does make, I can tell he really is very patriotic. Although he doesn’t even have in his bio that he served in the Military. I know Alvarez told me about his disability, but from his rare pictures, you can’t even tell he’s suffering from anything.

I searched and I searched ( and believe me I had the free time since I’m always in my room…) for Alvarez’s mom. Or even a hint. A clue that could lead me to her. But his dad’s posts revealed nothing. Not even a cryptic message. And the only proof that Jonathan Alvarez even has a son is the rare picture he posted of Alvarez as Alvarez swore in. You’d think that someone with a Facebook profile since 2009, he’d have at least updated Alvarez’s family about his son’s other accomplishments. Like how Alvarez was the captain of the wrestling team at his High School or even how Alvarez graduated within the top five of his senior class. But nope. Nothing. No prom pictures. No fishing trips snap shots. No happy birthday son posts. Nothing.

After I block Alvarez, I go about getting my door fixed. Thankfully the maintenance man for my barracks is able to do it without having to replace the whole door.

When he asks me how the hell it got snapped from its hinges in the first place, I just tell him that it came off by itself. But I know he doesn’t believe me. However, he has enough tact not to say it to my face.

Finally, I decided to visit Lopez.

I bring a box of baking soda with me and a bottle of ginger ale that I got from the store.

But when I knock on the door, I hear Raymond’s voice of all people saying, “Coming!”

She swings open the door as if she was just in mid conversation and laughing.

When she sees it’s me, she greets me as if her being in Lopez’s room is the most natural thing in the world.

“Who is it?” I hear Lopez ask her.

“It’s just Wilkins,” She says back, “She brought you some ginger ale for your diarrhea”

“Man, don’t say that shit,” I hear Lopez complain.

Raymond laughs.

“Mr. Bubbleguts,” She teases him.

“Girl, come in,” She tells me and I follow her inside.

I see Lopez laying in bed with the TV on pause.

Raymond plops down right next to him and snuggles up by his side as if he’s her pillow.

“What’s up dark chocolate,” He says to me, “Aw you came to visit me. You really do care”

I laugh.

“You must be doing better,” I observe, “You’re starting to sound like yourself again”

“Yeah,” Lopez says, “You know, you can’t help but get better when you have a Haitian girl that can do black magic in your room”

“It’s not black magic,” Raymond says as she giggles and scrolls through her phone.

Her leg is literally draped across his.

“Whatever,” Lopez says, “All I know is that she told me to drink this magic soup and now look at me”

“It was regular soup,” Raymond corrects him but she’s still smiling.

“Oh, really?” Lopez says, “I could have sworn you told me you put the eye of a toad and the eyelash of a baby in that shit”

Raymond giggles.

I feel awkward.

“Girl, sit down. Make yourself comfortable,” Raymond tells me.

“Yeah,” Lopez says and then pats the other side of his bed, “There’s room over here for you dark chocolate. I always wanted a threesome”

Raymond smacks her lips.

“What? I was just kidding,” Lopez says as he flinches away from her incase she might hit him like Martinez does.

“Although, you know peanut butter and chocolate does sound good right about now,” He continues.

Raymond rolls her eyes.

“Boy, bye,” She says.

“Actually I just came to drop this stuff off,” I say because being in here with two lovey dovey people when my own love life is a mess is too much for me to handle.

“Why are you rushing?” Lopez asks, “You just got here”

“No, I have to get ready for CQ tonight,” I say, thankful that I have an excuse. Besides, right now I’m not on good terms with Alvarez and if I stay around Lopez long enough I might end up telling him the truth about how he got sick.

“Ah damn,” Raymond says for me, “That means you won’t be at PT”

“Yeah,” I say, “Or work”

“Girl, you need to keep us in the know,” She says, “When are you getting your phone?”

It was supposed to come this weekend. But that was the one Alvarez ordered for me.

I ordered one for myself and it’s not coming until the middle of the week.

“Hopefully sometime this week,” I tell her.

“How did you lose your phone?” Lopez asks me.

“I dropped it in the toilet,” I maintain.

“Oh shit,” He says, “That’s like one of my worst fears. I mean that or a girl going through my phone”

Raymond gives him a look.

He laughs.

XXXXXXXX

I’m on CQ with SGT Patel of all people.

The SGT who yelled at me that day at PT and made me do push-ups.

But today I learn…

She is actually really nice.

I do the tasks I’m supposed to and then spend most of CQ reading a book.

She notices the title and it turns out that she’s read the same series.

We end up talking about it and what we like and dislike about what is happening so far.

I realize that we have somewhat of a similar personality. Reserved and observant.

Knowing that makes me asks her questions shyly as we settle into the rest of our shared duty.

I learn that she has a husband and a son.

And that she only joined the Army to get them their citizenship, but once she saw how easy it is and all the benefits it gives you, she decided to stay in.

She tells me about the houses her and her husband have bought and the school her son goes to. And she gives me advice when I tell her that I’m just going to do four years and get out.

“That’s what I thought, too,” She says, “Until I changed my mind”

“Well, I can’t imagine changing my mind,” I say quickly and adamantly.

Which makes her laugh

Martinez and Goodwin stop by later on to check on me since Raymond and Lopez told them I have CQ.

They bring me a pizza from a restaurant they just finished going to.

We talk and I tell them how shocked I am that Raymond and Lopez are an item.

“I mean,” I say, “I could kind of tell that there was some attraction, but you know how Lopez is…”

Martinez laughs.

“Yeah, he’s a flirt but Raymond is no nonsense. Maybe she can change him,” She says.

“You can’t change a man,” I say a little too quickly.

For some reason, Goodwin hears the bitterness in my voice and says, “Damn, Wilkins. Who hurt you?”

Martinez searches my face, but I quickly advert my eyes.

“I just mean that people can only change if they want to,” I say hurriedly. Hoping a change of subject happens and soon.

“Well, I guess we’ll just see how long they last,” Martinez says to my releif, “Either way I’m sure they’ll be alright. They both are used to just being with someone who can show them a fun time”

“Yep,” Goodwin says and then adds, “I’m just glad Lopez finally got him that damn chocolate he wanted so bad”

Martinez and I can’t help but to burst out laughing at that.

XXxX

I’m sitting at CQ watching my favorite movie on the TV with SGT Patel, who also, it turns out, likes chick flicks but has never seen this one.

It actually helps keep us up during CQ.

And I realize SGT Patel is just the type of person I like to watch movies with.

“Why does he keep doing things to hurt Lizzie?” She asks, “Ugh, if I were there I wouldn’t like him either. And he thinks he can propose to her?”

“Exactly,” I tell her.

“This is like Bollywood films,” She tells me with a laugh, “If the poor girl was from a lower caste and the rich boy was from a higher caste”

We’re almost at the end when someone comes in.

I look and see that it’s Raymond and Lopez.

I look at the clock. It’s nearly 11PM and they have PT in the morning, but Raymond and Lopez are known to be party goers. Even on a Sunday night.

“Hey gu-,” I start to say but then I realize Raymond looks so pissed she might punch a wall.

“Good evening soldiers,” SGT Patel tells them.

Raymond looks like she wants to just jump right in to something she has to say, but she has enough sense to greet her superior.

“Good evening SGT” She and Lopez repeat in unison.

SGT Patel looks curious, but she doesn’t ask them what they are doing here.

And she doesn’t need to, because Raymond gets right to the point as always.

“Girl, guess who we just saw with another bitch?” She says.

My heart drops and my hands begin to sweat. I don’t even need to answer her.

“Yessss, girl,” She says, “Your man. With some white bitch”

My mind goes blank for a second.

I feel like the room is spinning.

Is this really happening to me?

Then it’s confirmed.

If Raymond saw her, then it really is true.

Alvarez did cheat on me last night.

It really is over.

“I’m sorry, Wilkins,” Lopez adds, “But yeah, we saw him at dinner tonight with this bad ass blonde chick…”

Raymond throws him a look.

“I mean,” He corrects himself, “I saw him right as we came in and I told Ray, I’m like isn’t that the Cuban? And she looks and sure enough when we get closer, it’s him! And you should have seen what Ray did! She went up to him and started calling him a little snake ass bitch and I had to hold her back because she was ready to knock your dude out for you!”

Lopez acts out everything as if he’s telling me about a boxing match.

“Anyway, I told him that I’m telling you as soon as I see you,” Raymond cuts Lopez off.

“So, we left and came all the way back here since you don’t have your phone anymore,” Lopez finishes.

Then they both look at me expectantly. Even SGT Patel is watching for some sort of reaction. But the only thing I can think of is…

“Where did he take her to dinner?”

Raymond and Lopez look at one another.

When they tell me the name of the restaurant I’m immediately infuriated.

I know that place. The place by the beach.

My eyes sting with tears and my face crumples.

He’s done it.

He turned me into his new Cabrera.

Raymond hugs me.

I keep crying.

Then I feel SGT Patel press some tissues in the palm of my hand.

“Thank you,” I blubber as I dab at my eyes and my nose.

“I’m sorry Wilkins,” Lopez says, “You want me to try and beat his ass up?”

Raymond looks at him.

“You couldn’t even beat him up the last time,” She reminds him.

Lopez grins.

“I know, that’s why I said I’ll try”

I can’t help it, I laugh. Which I think was Lopez’s plan all along. Always making jokes. Always lightening the mood.

“Thanks Lopez,” I joke back with him, “But I don’t want to see you get another black eye”

“No, this time I’ll rock his shit,” Lopez says and he begins punching the air like he’s Mike Tyson.

We all laugh.

XxxxxxX

SGT Patel and I are relieved from duty the next morning.

I stayed up most of the night just talking to her after Raymond and Lopez left.

She answered a lot of things that I felt scared to even ask my mother about.

Like about men and sex and everything.

“You should always get on birth control,” She told me when I opened up about how I had a pregnancy scare, “Nothing works better than you making sure you’re controlling your body, not depending on a man”

I ask her if she’s ever gotten pregnant while on birth control.

“No,” She admitted, “Never. I just take it. You just take the pill. As long as you want to, you don’t have to get pregnant. And my husband and I have been together for fourteen years. My son is twelve. And we’ve never even had a scare”

When we go our separate ways, she actually gives me a little pat on the shoulder.

“Be strong, Wilkins,” She tells me, “You’re a smart girl”

I once thought she was just one of those people who let a little bit of rank get to their head. But in the span of one night I learned that she’s human, just like me. And she probably realized that about me as well.

I go back to my room and try not to think about Alvarez for the rest of this day.

When I wake up, it is the afternoon.

I am hungry, so I put on some clothes to go to the Defac. I know that Martinez and Raymond are at work, so I just walk there by myself.

I just get a box to go.

As I go out though, one of the Defac guys follows me and taps me on my shoulder.

I suddenly wonder if I dropped my room key card or something.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” He says, “I know this is going to sound weird, but my boy told me that if I saw you again to ask you something for him”

My mind goes blank.

I have no idea what he is talking about.

Like, at all.

“Ummm…” I say.

“I know you. You look like you’re in a rush, but I really appreciate it if you could be honest with me,” The guy continues.

I really just want to go back to my room and eat my food, but I don’t want to be rude either.

“Ok, sure,” I say, “What is it he wants to know?”

“Well, he sees you in here all the time, but you're always with some dude so he doesn't want to bother you,” He continues, “Is that your man?”

I blink a few times.

I finally realize what he’s getting around to asking.

“I’m single,” I say and the words feel weird on my tongue. Although I know they shouldn’t. I’ve been single since before Alvarez. Why is it any different to say it now after Alvarez?

The guy nods his head.

“That’s great, actually,” He says.

Then he takes his phone out from his white pants pocket.

“I have a question of my own,” I say.

The guy looks at me.

“But for you, not your friend,” I say.

“Shoot,” He says.

“Why do they make you guys wear white sometimes? Don’t you get dirty easily handling all of the food?” I ask.

He laughs. His teeth are really white against his dark skin. I wonder if I look like that when I smile, because he’s almost as dark as me.

“Naw, this is just for special occasions,” He says.

Then he looks down at his phone.

“Is it ok if I get your number?” He asks, “So my boy can call you?”

I realize that I’m being set up with someone that I don’t even know. Or at least trying to be.
“Actually, I don’t have a phone,” I say and I’m glad that I have that as an excuse.

The guy’s smile falters.

“Oh,” He says, “I see”

I can tell he thinks I’m lying.

“No, really,” I say and then I decide on whether or not I should actually lie, “My…my ex broke it”

The guy’s eyebrows raise up.

He whistles.

“Damn,” He says, “What made him do that? Were you talking to another dude or something?”

I decide to be vague with this response.

“No,” I say, “He just…didn’t want me to call someone”

The guy studies my face.

He whistles again.

“Your ex sounds kind of scary,” He says.

“He is,” I admit.

“King!” Someone shouts at the guy. I see it is another worker.

“Yo!” He says.

“Stop flirting and come get back to work! I need help with these rolls!” The person tells him.

King shakes his head.

But he turns to look back at me.

“Work never ends here,” He says.

I smile.

“I guess it wouldn’t,” I say, “We all count on you guys to feed us”

King, as I know know his name is, nods his head.

“Yeah, and ya’ll are some hungry motherfuckers,” He tells me.

That makes me laugh.

“You got an instagram?” He asks me.

I nod my head, “Yeah, I do”

He smiles.

“Good, I’ll just tell my boy to send you a message there. What’s your at?” He asks.

“Just my name…Majesty Wilkins,” I say.

“Majesty?” He asks me.

“Yeah,” I say. And then I realize our names are kind of similar.

“We can’t both be royalty,” He says.

I laugh.

“This you?” He confirms as he shows me my profile.

“Yeah,” I say.

“You don’t got no pictures,” He says.

“Um, well I do if you look at my tagged,” I say, “I don’t post a lot”

He nods his head.

“I feel you,” He says, “You’re a low key kind of girl”

“Yeah,” I admit.

“No, I like that,” He says, “There’s not many girls as beautiful as you left anymore”

I feel myself look down at the ground at that.

“KING!” The person cries again.

King rolls his eyes.

“Man, they act like they can’t handle nothing without me,” He tells me.

I laugh.

“Well, it was nice to meet you Majesty,” He says as he holds his hand out for me to shake.

I grab it and his hand feels warm.

“See you,” I tell him awkwardly when I let go.

“Oh, most definitely,” He says.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

I try calling Bennett on Messenger from my lap top.

And she actually picks up.

It’s been so long that I’ve seen her face that I gasp.

“Bennett!” I cry.

“Hey!” She beams.

She looks so happy. Which makes me happy.

“How’s Maryland?” I ask.

From the looks of it, she’s sitting on a back porch somewhere.

“It’s nice,” She admits, “I didn’t think I’d like it this much. And Sawyer’s family are like…the fucking white Cosbys or some shit! I’m telling you, Wilkins. It’s like I got here and it feels like I’ve known these people forever”

That makes total sense to me. Whoever raised Sawyer has to be some of the kindest people in the world.

“Did they show you Sawyer’s baby pictures?” I ask.

“Yesssss,” Bennett says, “And of when he was in middle school and high school. I swear he looked like that one boy from the Little Rascals and Saved by the Bell mixed together”

I laugh.

“When are you coming back?” I ask. I know it is almost time for her leave to be up.

Bennett sighs.

“I wish never,” She admits quietly, “This whole thing has made me realize what I really want in life. When I graduated High School, I just joined the Army because I didn’t want to do more schooling and it was something to do. But now that I see what it is like to have a real family and how close I came to it…”

I listen to her patiently.

“I think what I really want to just be is a mom,” She says.

Bennett looks kind of embarrassed.

Then suddenly she shows me her hand.

My mouth drops open and I cover my mouth.

“Oh. My. God. Bennett,” I whisper.

My eyes fill with happy tears.

She has an engagement ring on her finger.

“Don’t tell Raymond or anybody else yet,” She says, “You’re the first one outside of the family I’ve told. And I know it’s not really like me to be up under a man or whatever, but Colt and I have a really good dynamic”. I catch on that she’s using Sawyer’s first name.

“I’m so happy for you,” I tell her, “And the ring he picked out is beautiful”

Bennett beams and her face gets dreamy. I’ve never seen her this blissful before.

“I know,” She says, “But I’m so scared, Wilkins”

Her voice gets low.

“What are you scared about?” I ask her worriedly.

“I’m just scared because I really don’t want any of this to end,” She says finally, “And I’m scared that it’s going to all get taken away from me. Because we’re not supposed to be this happy, but we are. And that’s not life, you know? At least not mine. But when I’m around Colt and his family, they are so happy and it is real. It’s not fake. There’s no catch. No bullshit. They really love one another unconditionally, and yeah they have issues too, but they work through it and it just feels like maybe if I try hard enough I can build that for myself too”

I smile.

“You will build that for yourself,” I say, “And you have a really good life partner to do it with”

“Life partner,” Bennett repeats, “Yeah, I like that word. That’s exactly what Colt is”

We talk for a few minutes more about when the wedding will be and where before Bennett finally just addresses the elephant in the room.

“I heard you and Alvarez broke up,” She says gently.

“Yeah,” I say.

“What did Sawyer tell you?” I can’t help but ask even though I tell myself not to.

“He doesn’t tell me shit about what he talks about with that man,” She says, “And whenever I look through his phone it’s always just codes in their messages. Like they are secret agents or some shit. But I think I got the gist of it. Like if Alvarez texts Colt 111, that means he needs him to call him. And like he’s some kind of drug dealer or something, he’ll go out of the house and take a walk to talk to this man for hours”

I wonder how many times that’s happened in the past few days.

“He has a new girlfriend…or at least he’s dating someone else,” I say, “I saw her on his instagram story”

Bennett and Raymond don’t like Alvarez, so they refused to request to follow him on instagram. They said they wouldn’t even follow him even if his account was public. Martinez is my friend only, so she doesn’t follow him either. So, I’m the only one who saw the picture.

“Yeah, Raymond told me her and Lopez saw him last night with some other chick,” Bennett admits.

I can’t talk to Bennett how insecure I feel knowing Alvarez is with someone who is a complete 180 from me. Or how he took her to the same restaurant he wanted to take me. Or how I’m sure he’s telling her all the lines he fed me about wanting me to stay with him forever. Or how he’s probably kissing her on the forehead and her fingertips and telling her how he wants to marry her and for her to have his babies.

Because I feel like she’ll just tell me that I was dumb to believe all that shit anyway. I already have come to realize that.

And I can’t talk to her about how I keep wondering if he’s having sex with her the same way he did with me. Or holding her at night like how he would when we were together.

She doesn’t even like Alvarez let alone want to hear about how I miss him touching me.

“I’m over it,” I try to put on a brave face, “And I blocked him on everything.”

“That’s good,” She says, “You should just try your best to move on and thank god that you don’t have to deal with someone like that anymore. I still don’t believe he wasn’t the one who broke your phone”

I sigh.

I can’t tell her the truth because then the whole story about Lopez will come out.

But why am I still protecting Alvarez at this point?

We’re not together anymore.

I guess because I’m not that kind of person.

Or I try not to be at least.

After I stop talking to Bennett, I decide to just go to sleep for the rest of the day.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Alvarez gets promoted to E-4.

He got even more than what he wanted with his plan.

Or maybe he had another secret plan that I didn’t know about going on at the same time as the Lopez one.

The whole promotion ceremony happens during final formation on Friday.

I’m so sick to my stomach that I can’t even look as they let him wear his good stitched uniform and just switch out his cap.

I almost hurl as 1SG talks about how Alvarez has shown integrity, duty, and leads by example. He goes on about how we should all want to follow someone like Alvarez into battle.

LT words come back to me though and I just can’t help but just play along now. None of us are probably ever going to lead anyone into battle. We’ll probably all just be at the FOB while the real soldiers have to suffer from PTSD of making choices on whether or not they should press this button that’s going to kill a thousand people or not. Or doing patrols where they can step on a I.E.D.

Let Alvarz have his rank, I think. It means a lot to him, I know this.

Finally, it is Alvarez’s turn to speak.

I watch as he steps forward and he puts on a great act of acting all humble and like he didn’t expect any of this at all.

My mind wonders what would happen if I just decided to tell the truth. Right here. Right now.

And expose Alvarez in front of everyone.

I imagine how angry his eyes would look. Dark and pitch black. Like he is ready to kill me.

But I wouldn’t let his gaze let me falter from speaking my truth.

I’d fall out of formation. I know Martinez would wonder what it is I am doing. But I wouldn’t be able to say a word that would make sense to her until I got to the front. I would go to 1SG respectfully. Or maybe LT would be the better choice. Maybe if she hears what I have to say, she will let me speak in front of everyone.

I would stand at attention and tell her that I can’t let this promotion ceremony continue.

There would probably be a few murmurs in the unit. People would probably would wonder what the hell it is that I am doing. But I have to do this.

“Why not, Wilkins?” LT would ask because she knows that I am not the type of person to just make a scene.

“Because I know something that you and everyone else here doesn’t,” I would say even though I know my hands will shake and my knees will feel like I am ready to fall to the ground.

But I can’t carry this weight anymore.

“May I have permission to address the unit?” I’d bravely ask her.

And I would hold my breath.

1SG will probably be ready to tell me to get back in formation.

But LT will nod her head before he can speak.

“Be my guest,” She would say.

I’d salute her and then I’d turn and see Alvarez standing there in front of the formation still glaring at me. And each step I take to go closer to him will seem like my legs are giving out from under me as if I am a child just learning to walk. But I will get there to where he is standing and I will turn towards everyone.

And I will say…

“Alvarez! Stop!”

But he won’t listen to me as he slams me down to the ground and hovers over top of me, pinning my shoulders with his hands.

He will rip my ACU top open and unzip it in front of everyone. Then he’ll start to undo my belt as he pulls my undershirt up from my pants. He’ll expose my breasts in front of everyone and angrily lick and bite my nipples. Before unzipping my bottoms and dragging them down to wear they meet my combat boots.

I’d watch in horror as he unzips his own pants and exposes his erection to everyone in the unit. Then he’d flip me over and make me bend on my knees like I’m in prayer or as if I am a child hiding my head with the top of my hands in the hallway during a tornado drill. And he’ll scream as he enters me.

“Thank you again”

I blink.

Alvarez gives a salute to LT and then falls back into formation. And just like that, the promotion ceremony is done. And my chance to tell the truth is gone.

XXXXXXX

Martinez, Goodwin, Raymond, and Lopez invite me out with them to go bowling. But I just can’t take being around two couples when I am the only single person. And I honestly tell them this.

“We need to find you a new boo,” Raymond says as we walk back to the barracks after final formation.

“I got some more Mexican friends,” Lopez offers me, “I told you we’re way better than the Cubans”

I laugh.

“I think I’m done dating hispanic men,” I admit and am reminded of my earlier promise to myself that I will only date black men once Alvarez and I broke up.

Goodwin lets out a woop.

“I heard that,” He says, “You want me to hook you up with some of my friends?”

“I have other black friends, too,” Lopez says and pretends as if he’s hurt, “Why do you think just because I’m hispanic that it means I don’t have any black friends? That’s racist”

Raymond rolls her eyes as Martinez and I laugh.

“No one is being racist against you, fool,” She says.

“What about Brandon?” Martinez says to Goodwin suddenly obviously talking about someone they know, “He’s single and I think he’d really like Wilkins”

“No, Brandon only dates light skins,” Lopez interjects.

Goodwin throws him a look. Lopez isn’t supposed to say that kind of thing around me and Raymond.

“What do you mean he only dates light skins?” Raymond asks defensively, “I already don’t like that nigga and I don’t even know him. Wilkins doesn’t need some self hating coon ass”

Lopez throws his arm around Raymond, “Did I say light skin? I meant like skins. Like, as in, skin that’s like his”

I can’t help but laugh despite myself.

“Don’t worry, Wilkins,” Martinez assures me, “We’ll find you somebody”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

For dinner I decide to just walk to the Defac and get yet another to go box.

As I get closer to the line, I see King, the guy I met before, is the one serving the food.

He smiles when he sees me.

“Miss Royalty,” He says and his white teeth basically sparkle, “What are you having tonight?”

“A to go plate,” I tell him, “And the chicken please”

“Cool. Cool,” He says as he grabs my plate and starts making it.

“Any sides?”

“Yes, the rice”

“Veggies, you gotta have those,” He says.

I laugh.

“Yes, corn will be fine,” I tell him.

He pauses.

“Hmm…” He looks down at my plate and lifts it up as if he’s examining it.

But I don’t know what he could be looking for.

“Fried chicken, black eyed peas and rice, corn…” He shakes his head as if he’s disappointed.

“Don’t tell me you’re a southern girl,” He says.

My eyes light up.

He could tell that just by what I’m eating?

Wow.

“Yes,” I admit.

“Let me guess,” He studies me.

“No, too nice for Alabama,” He says then he shakes his head, “But too pretty to be from Georgia”

My heartbeat quickens a little when he calls me attractive. He’s a flatterer. I can tell.

“Not stubborn enough to be from Mississippi,” He keeps going, “But not enough twang for Tennesse”

Finally he snaps his fingers.

“Either Virginia or one of the Carolinas,” He tells me, “Final guess.”

I perk up.

“South Carolina,” I tell him.

He shakes his head.

“I’m pretty good, aren’t I?” He asks me.

“Yes,” I agree, “You are”

“Let me guess for dessert you’re going to go with the cheesecake, right?” He says.

“Uhhhh…” I say.

His face falters.

“You don’t like cheesecake?” He asks me, “Did your grandma not raise you right?”

When he says that, I’m instantly reminded of being a little girl in the kitchen with my grandma, helping her make her strawberry cheesecake. I never ate any, but I always loved helping her.

“I’m more of a pound cake type of girl,” I admit sheepishly.

King nods his head.

“I see,” He says.

One of the other workers comes over to where King is standing talking to me.

“Not her again,” He says, “Will you get back to work and leave this poor girl alone”

The guy then turns to me.

“I’m sorry that he keeps bothering you,” He tells me, “He’s thirsty as fuck”

I feel kind of confused, but King closes my to go box and hands it to me.

“Do you see how they treat me?” He asks, “Abusive. For no reason”

“Nigga, I heard that,” The other guy says as he moves some of the trays of food to fill them up with different ones.

Then he stops and gives me the once over.

“Oh, you’re a pretty little dark thing,” He says as if he’s seeing me for the first time.

I don’t take offense to him calling me dark, though. All three of us are of varying dark skin complexions.

“And you're tall and skinny too! Girl, what are you doing in the Army?” He continues, “You should model!”

I laugh and look at King who just looks up at the ceiling and shakes his head.

The other guy elbows King in the ribs and King grabs his side.

“Well go ahead and introduce me to your little girlfriend,” He says, “Since obviously you’re not giving up”

King is about to say something, but before he can the guy reaches out and offers me his hand.

“Hi, I’m Jones. I work with King. He’s been obsessed with you forever, but we all told him you had a boyfriend which apparently you do not according to the tea,” He says.

I shake his hand with one of mine.

“I’m Majesty,” I say, “It’s really nice to meet you”

“Ok, I’ll let you get back to not working, but only because she seems sweet,” Jones says to King as he lets go of my hand.

Then he walks away again.

King just shakes his head.

“They just be telling all of your business working in here,” He says, “Because they be all up in your business”

I laugh.

“So I guess you don’t really go on instagram much do you?” He asks me suddenly.

I blink.

“No, not really,” I admit.

“Oh,” He says, “Did you get a new phone yet to replace the one your ex broke?”

My face brightens up.

“Yeah, I did,” I say. I’m surprised he remembers that detail about my life. But then I realize that it kind of is unusual, so why wouldn’t he? How many girls do you meet who’s ex boyfriend breaks their phone?

“That’s great!” He says, “My friend still was wondering if he could get your number”

My smile dims a little bit. I mean Jones made it sound like King likes me, too.

“I mean, I don’t know if I’m comfortable with giving my number to your friend,” I say, “Especially since I’ve never met him”

King shakes his head.

“No, he’s a really cool guy. Trust me,” He assures me, “You’ll like him”

I decide to just be bold and straight to the point for the first time in my life. My heart is beating out my chest, but I take a deep breath and go for it. The lyrics of Tamia’s “Almost” play in my head as I open my mouth.

“But I kind of already like you,” I say quietly.

King’s eyebrows raise. Then suddenly he bursts out laughing.

I feel an immediate wave of rejection, embarrassment, and like I’m about to cry all at the same time. I’ve never felt this embarrassed before in my life. This is what it must be like for guys.

This is feeling I guess Alvarez was too afraid to feel when he thought I would never give him a chance if he did try to ask me out. I almost understand why it would drive him to do all the things he did when it came to me at least. Because this feeling almost makes me want to jump in front of a train if it means I don’t have to be this embarrassed anymore.

“Wow,” King finishes laughing and I just stand there hoping that I at least have some dignity left.

He actually even wipes some tears from his eyes.

Suddenly I feel super insecure and mad.

“Is it because I’m dark skinned?” I snap at him, “Is that why you’re laughing?”

King looks at me in shock.

There’s a long pause between us.

“No,” He says finally and his voice sounds in disbelief, “I don’t have a problem with dark skin girls. My mom is dark skin. Shit my whole goddamn family is dark skin. I’m dark skin”

That makes me feel a little bit better. Maybe it’s just because talking to me he realized that he wasn’t as interested anymore as Jones made it seem like. I can turn around and leave now at least knowing that it isn’t because of my skin tone. Something I can’t control.

“Ok,” I say, “Well I hope you find the girl that you’re looking for”

And I mean it.

Then I turn around to leave with my head held high.

See, Alvarez? That’s all you had to do. I wish I could just tell him that rejection isn’t that bad. I mean, sure it felt bad when it first happened. But now I feel like I have tougher skin. This must be how Lopez can keep flirting with girl after girl even though he knows he can’t be every single ones type.

Why couldn’t Alvarez just accept that? Oh wait. Because he has to be the best. Because he has to get what he wants. Because he can’t fail.

That’s why.

I’m just about out the door when I feel someone grab my arm gently. I turn around and see King standing in front of me.

“Damn, you walk fast,” He says.

“I have long legs,” Is all I can think of to say as I stare at him in confusion.

Why did he follow me?

“I can see that,” He says with a laugh.

I wait for him to say something else.
But he just looks everywhere but at my face.

“Are you ok?” I ask him nervously because now I feel awkward again.

“Yeah,” He says, “Yeah, I’m cool”

I wait for him again.

And finally he just says, “Fuck it. I lied”

I look at him.

“What are you talking about? Lied?”

“Yeah,” He says, “I don’t have a friend that’s interested in you. I mean, I probably do but I wouldn’t help that motherfucker get with you because I want to get with you”

It all dawns on me. The talks we had. The laughing.

“Oh,” I say in slight awe.

“Why did you say your friend wanted my number?” I ask him embarrassedly, “Why didn’t you just ask me yourself?”

King shakes his head.

“I don’t know, maybe because I was scared you were going to say no,” He tells me, “But I messaged you on Instagram telling you the truth. But I guess like you said you don’t go up there that often”

I can’t help but laugh.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

King laughs too.

Then he looks at me.

“So, can I have your number?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

This is my first actual date.

It hits me as I’m getting ready that Alvarez never took me anywhere.

Not to the movies. Not even to the restaurant at the beach that he ended up taking that new girl to.

We would just spend most of our time in my room. Having sex.

Wow. It doesn’t even feel like I’m even that experienced. But I sort of am because I was with Alvarez for a long time.

I sigh as I put on my black platforms.

All that talk about how he wants to be with me forever and he couldn’t even take me out to get ice cream? Not even a slice of pizza? How naive was I?

I go to the bathroom area and look in the mirror.

I’m wearing some fitted jeans and a white, v neck shirt. My hair is up in a puff and I have on my hoops. I put on some lip gloss, a little bit of mascara, and spray some perfume.

I walk back into my room and grab a purse. It feels right to carry one for some reason since this is a real date.

I take a deep breath and then I head out the door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“That was one of the best movies I’ve ever seen in my life,” I tell King as we walk out the theater.

“I told you,” He says.

He convinced me to watch Creed. A boxing movie that I knew I wouldn’t have any interest in because I don’t like sports. But he swore that I would love it. I wasn’t excited at all though. But I thought why not just give it a try? And I agreed to go out with him.

Throughout the entire movie I was entranced. I cheered, I shook my head, I even cried at the end a little which I had to hide from King. Because who cries on a first date?

We walk back to his black car and I get in. King doesn’t open my car doors for me like Alvarez did. But I don’t think it bothers me. It’s just a difference between the two.

I think back in the movie how the main character’s love interest had to deal with his dark side. And how eventually she realized that she had her own life to live and that she couldn’t be his mother type figure. That he needed to get his shit together before he decided to come and enter her life again.

“I love how they portrayed the girl,” I say to King as I’m thinking about all of this, “I’m glad they gave her a story of her own. She wasn’t just there to support Adonis”

King laughs.

“I thought she was a little harsh when she closed the door on him in that one scene though,” He tells me.

I know the exact scene he’s talking about. I was just thinking about it.

“She had to do that,” I say, “She’s not his mother. I’m glad they put that in there”

“I don’t know,” King disagrees, “I felt like she should have helped him through that. He was going through some real, emotional dark shit”

I fold my arms and think about how similar the character of Adonis Creed is to Alvarez. Both grew up having to fight. In different ways though. For Adonis it was through foster care and juvie. For Alvarez it’s like he had to fight with being the person his dad wanted him to be. Both also grew up without their parents really present in their lives. Thankfully, Adonis had a surrogate mother. But even that didn’t fill the void of missing his real mom or the love of his father. And Alvarez’s surrogate mom took advantage of him while even though his father is in his life it is basically like Alvarez doesn’t even exist to him.

I thought I could help Alvarez through his emotional baggage. But me wanting him to change and stand by his side even when he was acting deranged like Adonis was in the 2nd act of the film…None of it helped. Maybe I should have been more like the girl in Creed. Maybe I should have closed the door and told Alvarez to come back to me when he’s figured out his shit on his own. He has to fix his demons. I can’t fight them for him. And he’s not about to give them to me, run chaos through my life, and mess up what I’ve got going on.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“You’re from Texas?” I can not wrap my mind around that as I sip on my sweet tea.

King and I are sitting across from each other at Texas Roadhouse. After the movie he asked if I would be ok with extending the night and going to get something to eat. And I agreed because I am actually having a really good time with him. I don’t know what it is, but I find him super easy to talk to. Almost like I have known him for a while.

He takes me to Texas Roadhouse because he says it reminds him of home because he is actually from Texas himself.

“I know, I seem like I’d be from Pennsylvania or something right with the way I talk?” He asks.

And I shake my head. That’s not what it is, but I’m suddenly reminded about the movie when he says that because it took place in Philly. Then it dawns on me the reason why I can’t believe he is from Texas is because he feels so familial to me.

“You just seem to know all the things I know,” I laugh, “I thought you might be from South Carolina, too”

He joins me in my laughter.

“I feel like we grew up the same way,” I continue.

“Shit, that’s just because we’re both African American,” He says, “Every black kid here grows up the same no matter where they were born”

I’m instantly reminded of how mad I got with Alvarez when he generalized all black people. I mean, it feels different when King does it because he is black. But still. I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t check him, too.

“That’s not true,” I say quickly.

“Yeah it is,” King says adamantly, “I can prove it”

I laugh.

“How can you prove it?” I ask incredously.

“I bet your mom used to say, ‘Fix your face before I fix you’ didn’t she?” He asks.

I burst out laughing at that one because he sounds just like my mom.

“Yeah,” I gasp.

“Or, ‘I’ll give you something to cry about”,” King continues.

I’m instantly taken back to my childhood with that one. Those words could make me stop my tears faster than someone turning off a faucet.

“I bet she used to tell you when you guys rode past McDonalds, ‘Do you have McDonalds money? We got food at the house’” King asks.

I burst out laughing again.

“I used to be so sad when she wouldn’t stop!” I say as if we have the same mom and he’s my long lost brother and we’re reminiscing.

“Didn’t you hate it even more when she would get herself something but would tell you that you had to eat the nasty ass beans and rice she made at home instead?” He asks me.

I nearly levitate at that unlocked memory.

“Why did she always do that?” I say and I really do feel like we’re talking about the same person. Does he know my mom?

“Man, the worst though is when you would be in your room on a Saturday, happy because it is the weekend and ready to sleep in, and then hear some loud ass R&B or Gospel music blaring. Because you know your ass is fine getting up and cleaning for the rest of the day,” He continues.

I am laughing so hard that tears begin to form in my eyes.

“See,” King says, “I told you”

It takes me a while to stop giggling, but I finally do.

“Not all black people grow up like that though King,” I keep pressing the issue despite the fact that he basically described my entire childhood.

“All of my friends did,” He says, “Unless their parents are from Nigeria or Jamaica or something”

“That’s not true,” I still refuse to believe.

But then King looks at me.

“Man, how many black people do you actually know?” He asks with a laugh.

Then it dawns on me that Raymond is my first black friend. Bennett is only half black, but even still.

I mean I grew up in a small country town in South Carolina. The same place my ancestors used to be enslaved and pick cotton in. None of them ever left. I didn’t grow up in the white part of my town either. Because even though segregation hasn’t been a thing there since the Jim Crow era, we still call certain places the ‘white’ and ‘black’ areas. And my schools were the ‘black’ schools. We didn’t even have one white kid or nonblack person in our classes. And my teachers and principals were all black, too. And when I leave the Army I plan to go back and go to the Historically Black College that is there, as well. The one my grandmother and mother went to.

So, I thought because I grew up around all black people and plan to stay around them in my country bumpkin town, that it makes me an expert. But now I realize that I really didn’t engage with those from my culture. And not because I didn’t want to, but because I felt like they didn’t want me. They would tease me because of how quiet I am or make fun of me because they saw I liked to read books. Even the girls who let me sit with them at lunch in High School would talk to me in a backhanded way. Almost like they were being condescending and laughing at me behind my back. I wasn’t really part of their group. Just someone to pick on and laugh at. Like the Hunchback in the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I frown as those memories flood me.

“I think you opened my eyes,” I say to King.

His brows go up.

“I’m not black,” I say.

Then he burst out laughing.

“No,” He corrects me, “You’re just an oreo”

I blink.

“No I’m not,” I say, “I’m fully black”

The kids used to call the only mixed kid in our school an oreo because his mom was white.

King laughs.

“You are?” He asks and looks around like he’s about to run away, “Aw man, I thought you were at least half Asian”

I laugh.

“I’m just saying I knew some people like you. The ones who didn’t really grow up around their culture,” King continues in a more serious tone, “It’s ok though. My best friend was adopted by a white couple even though he’s black. And I have to keep reminding him that just because he grew up white doesn’t change the fact that he’s still one of us. It’s not like someone can take his black card away just because he doesn’t know who Marvin Gaye is or quote every line from Friday. He’s black regardless, that shit is undeclinable. We can only take that card away from nonblack people when they start getting out of hand”

I blink.

Wow. It feels good when he puts it like that. I am black regardless. And he is right. I’m black whether I listen to country music or hard core rap. I’m black whether I live in a predominantly white area or a diverse one. I am black if I go to China or if I take a trip to Puerto Rico. No matter where I go or do…I’ll always be black. No one can take that away.

“Wow,” I tell King, “You’re revolutionary”

I don’t know why I say it out loud, but that’s the first thing that comes to my mind.

He looks away though from my gaze after a while and I realize that I’m staring at him too intensely. Maybe like how Alvarez would do to me.

I guess I’m the scary one now.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I’m asleep in my bed when I’m woken up to banging.

I sit up.

What the hell?

It sounds like someone is pounding on someone’s door.

The banging continues.

Then I realize that it is coming from my door.

I get up and grab my phone.
Did I miss a recall?

A text from Raymond?

Bennett?

But there’s nothing.

My heart stops.

I shakily go towards my door and press my face against the peephole.

Sure enough…

The banging continues and I can see some people from the other barracks are looking out their doors and windows.

Then I see someone walk by and say something.

But the banging on my door doesn’t stop.

I suck in my breath.

My hands are shaking.

I know I shouldn’t do it.

My brain tells me to keep that door closed.

Don’t open it, Majesty.

Just like the character playing the leading lady in the movie tonight.

It was hard for her, too.

She wanted to open that door.

She wanted to let him back in.

But she didn’t.

And she made the right choice.

Now I need to make the right choice, too.
I close my eyes tightly and slide down to the floor against my door.

It’s Alvarez…

He keeps on banging on my door.

“Wilkins!”

Now he’s shouting my name.

Don’t do it.

Don’t do it.

Don’t do it.

The banging stops.

But now he keeps shouting my name.

I stand up and look through the peephole again.

He looks livid.

There’s no way I can open this door.

My phone rings in my hand.

I look down and see that it is one of the girls who lives in the barracks beside Bennett and my rooms.

I answer it.

“Hey,” She says, “I just wanted to let you know in case you didn’t that Alvarez is standing outside your door and screaming his head off”

Great.

He’s causing a scene.

“I’m sorry about that Pak,” I say. But why am I apologizing for him?

“It’s not your fault,” Pak tells me just as I think that, “He’s the one acting crazy”

Alvarez is still shouting my name like there’s a fire or something.

“Yeah, he is,” I admit.

“Do you need me to call someone?” She asks.

Do I?

Should I?

“No,” I say because I instantly think about how he might get into trouble if she does, “He’ll stop…”

I don’t say the last part that I’m thinking.

I hope he will.

“Well, he better stop soon, because someone’s going to go to CQ and report him if he doesn’t,” Pak tells me.

My heart sinks.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Dumb ass Alvarez.

All that cheating and scheming to get what he wanted and now he’s about to throw it all away again.

I don’t want to imagine what he’ll do the next time if he loses everything once more.

Will he upgrade to actual murder?

I can’t even imagine how he’d survive in a military prison or real prison.

He’s not a criminal. He just has issues.

Don’t do it.

Don’t do it.

Don’t do it.

It’s not my job to take care of him.

It is his job to think about his life and his choices.

And if I open that door, it will be like I’m trying to take on that responsibility for him.

And he’s going to be dragging his demons in with him.

Spiritual warfare as my grandma liked to say.

Alvarez keeps shouting.

Don’t do it.

Don’t.

Do.

It

“I’ll handle it,” I say to Pak.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

I open the door and immediately as I do, Alvarez pushes past me and comes inside like I’m not even standing there.

I watch as he looks around frantically.

First at my bed, then under my bed.

Then he moves the whole bed and even flips the mattress.

“Alvarez!” I cry.

He jerks open my closet and flicks on the light.

He starts pulling my clothes off the rack and throwing them on the floor like he’s searching for the right shirt or something.

His breathing sounds like he’s about to hyperventilate.

“Alvarez,” I hiss at him.

I still have the front door open and am standing by it because I am not letting him stay.

I only opened it to tell him to stop screaming my name before he loses everything once more.

To try and talk some sense into him, because I guess I’m too weak to realize that it isn’t my job to take care of him.

And why would I want to take care of a man who cheated on me anyway?

Or even a man who ruined my Basic training, AIT, and almost my whole Army experience?

Alvarez quickly moves from my closet and strides out of the room to the bathroom and kitchen area.

“Alvarez!” I hiss again and this time I follow him as I shut the front door.

Where is he going?

What is he doing?

He’s rips the shower curtain off the hooks and throws it down on the ground.

“Alvarez!” I shout when I see him do that.

It’s like he’s hellbent on destroying my barracks tonight.

His eyes search around frantically again.

“What are you doing?” I say to him again.

But it is like he can’t hear me.

Suddenly it looks like something has dawned on him and he pushes past me out the bathroom and strides towards Bennett’s room.

“Stop!” I cry once I see where he’s headed.

He can’t go into her room and start tearing it up like he just did mine.

I intercept him just as he’s about to go in.

My back presses against the door as his hand is on the knob.

I stare face to face with him.

“Move. Out. The. Way.” He grits.

“No,” I say.

But then he tries to push me aside, but I put all my weight down on him and literally grab his arms and hold them as I fall to the ground.

He tries to get me to let go but I’m holding his hands like he’s a merry-go-round and I’m scared to get off.

But he is stronger than me and he prys himself from my grasp. But I shock myself as I get up and fall on his back and lock on to him like I’m trying to stop him from leaving me or something.

My arms are around his hands and I sink to the ground to act like dead weight so it makes it harder for him to move.

But he just prys my hands off of him again.

I grab on to his wrists though and I immediately feel like I’m Kimberly Elise in Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Except I’m not being dragged because I want to stay with a man, but because I want him to leave and he won’t go.

He prys my hands off his wrists, but I grab onto his leg like I’m a little kid or a koala bear or something. I’m desperate at this point. It’s hard for him to take a step with me acting like a dumbbell around his leg. But this man does it anyway and makes it seem like 119 pounds is nothing.

He opens Bennett’s door and he drags himself in with me wrapped around his leg like that. Once he’s inside, he prys me off of his leg and even though I try to grab him again, he’s moving too fast for me to stop him.

He flicks on the llight, goes over to the bed, moves it, looks under and over it, and tosses the mattress up.

Then he goes into Bennett’s closet and starts pulling all her clothes on the floor too.

I’m crying at this point because I can’t believe I was dumb enough to open the door for him in the first place.

I just sit like that on the floor, crying and watching him tear apart Bennett’s room.

When he doesn’t find what he’s looking for, his wild eyes turn on me.

“Where is he?” He asks threateningly.

I sniffle.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” I tell him.

Alvarez then grabs me and starts dragging me by my hands out the door.

Ok.

Maybe I really am Kimberly Elise and my life is Diary of a Mad Black Woman, because this feels exactly like what Steve Harris did to her.

I try to become dead weight, but it’s futile. Alvarez drags me back to the bathroom and kitchen area. Then he pulls me up and presses me up against the wall.

He just stands like that in front of me with his hands on either side of me so I can’t get away. I keep sniffling and crying because at this point I feel like I brought this all on myself.

His breathing is making me wonder if he’s having a heart attack. Because he sounds like he’s losing it. He even starts looking like he’s hyperventilating and can’t catch his breath. But just when I think he’s about to die right in front of me, he closes his eyes and starts breathing normally again.

When he opens his eyes again, his expression is calm but his voice is still dangerous.

“Did you have sex with him tonight?”

All I can hear is the sound of my chest going up and down as I try to suck in my snot and tears.

“Did you?” Alvarez asks me again, his voice still dangerous.

I wish some stronger part of me would take over. My mom’s voice. Bennett’s voice. The ghetto, strong black woman voice.

But the voice that comes out of me is tiny and scared. Like five year old me when she’s afraid she’s about to get in trouble.

“No,” I squeak, “We just went out to dinner and a movie”

Alvarez nearly collapses into me. His hands slip to his side and it’s like some weight has just been lifted off of him. He sinks his head into my chest.

I keep sniffling and tears continue to run down my eyes.

Alvarez looks back up at me.

He reaches out and rubs his thumb at one of of my eyes. Then he takes his other hand and does the other. He cups my face.

“Don’t have sex with him, ok?” He tells me.

I close my eyes because I don’t want to look at him.

Who is he to tell me what to do?

Especially since he’s moved on already.

Why can’t I move on too?

I feel him kiss my forehead.

I open my eyes.

“I can’t promise you that,” I whisper.

I feel Alvarez stiffen.

He takes his lips off of my head and he looks down at me.

His eyes are darker than I’ve ever seen them before.

Then he sinks down to the floor in front of me.

I think he really has collapsed or passed out until I realize he’s pulling down my sweatpants.

I’m bare under there and I try to push his face away, but he won’t stop. And when I try to cover myself with my hands, he just pushes them away. He lifts up my leg and starts licking me before I can even tell him to stop.

“Alvarez,” I whimper, “Please…”

What I’m trying to say is for him to stop, but it’s like that just entices him to go even more.

He’s never been this aggressive down there like this before. And despite my mind knowing this is wrong, my body fucking loves him right now.

She rewards him and greets his mouth like a long lost friend.

Where have you been? She seems to say.

I buckle as he continues to eat me out. My hands go down and grip the back of his head and my body slumps against the wall as my head leans back.

“Oh,” I whimper.

This is wrong.

Seriously wrong.

But this is also the best I’ve ever felt in my life.

“Christopher,” I whimper.

He’s about to make me pass out if he keeps going like this.

I can feel my body start to tingle and it racks through me like I’m getting struck by some kind of rejuvenating lighting.

It starts at my stomach and then travels all the way down to the tips of my toes until I’m seeing streaks of white lights in front of me.

Like shooting stars.

I nearly feel my soul leave my body as it happens.

And when it’s over I can’t even stand any more. Instead I feel myself start to slide down to the ground.

Alvarez helps me as I fall and lays me on the floor. My eyes are open but all I can see is little black dots and my body convulses a few times which makes me jerk unintentionally.

This must be what it feels like to do drugs. I think. I must be high out of my mind.

I feel Alvarez doing something beside me. But I close my eyes.

When I open them again, he’s on top of me. My body's so numb and feels so good though right now that I couldn’t even feel him as he moved over me.

I’m drunk. I just know it. And I’ve never been drunk before in my life.

“Majesty,” He whispers to me.

I blink up at him. My eyelids feel heavy and he sounds like he’s far away even though he’s right there.

“I want to make love to you,” He tells me and his voice sounds afraid.

I reach out and grab his back and then wrap my legs around his waist.

Why not?

I think.

I’ve already come this far.

He kisses me and our tongues dance together.

It feels like it’s been so long.

I can feel him wanting to enter me, but he seems to be hesitating.

I pull away and look at his face.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him.

He looks at me and hesitates.

“I don’t have a condom,” He says.

I’m about to tell him to just pull out.

But he says, “And I don’t know if I can stop myself”

His voice sounds shaky.

“Christopher…” I whisper.

He lets out a breath.

“Cumming in you that day was the best feeling I’ve ever had in my life,” He tells me.

My heartbeat quickens and I start to feel warm all over. The numbness is gone now. Instead I feel like I’ve just been brought by a fireplace after being out in the cold.

Alvarez looks me deep in the eyes.

“I want you so badly,” He says, “I can’t go back to not feeling myself inside of you like that again”

I shiver, but it’s a good feeling.

When he puts it like that I think I can understand.

But I try to tell myself not to believe everything he says. He talks so intensely.

He’s making me think that after we make love tonight he’s going to be with me again.

But then I realize he’s probably told this same thing to a lot of girls before. He’s just been lying to me this whole time. Every line he feeds me about how much he wants to be with me, he’s said the same thing to someone else probably.

I close my eyes because tears start to form.

Maybe this is just how it is.

This is just sex.

He’s not going to leave that new girl.

Why would he when he sees he can have access to us both at the same time?

But I am not going to stop talking to King after this either.

Whatever I have with Alvarez is not a relationship like the one I’m building with King right now.

I thought what Alvarez and I had before was real, but I realized the only thing we really had was attraction and lust.

And right now I think I’m learning how to separate what’s just sex talk and what’s real talk.

I think about the blonde girl.

I wonder how she would feel if she knew Alvarez was in between my legs right now, talking to me like this.

Then it hits me that she didn’t give a fuck about me.

But then I remind myself that’s only if he told her about me in the first place.

Did she even ask herself the question if he had a girlfriend or not?

Or maybe she just didn’t care to ask at all.

Because this isn’t that serious.

This is just physical.

It’s not love.

It’s not real.

Sorry, girl. I think to her if she’s out there somewhere right now wondering where he’s at like I was that night.

This isn’t personal either.

“Ok,” I tell Alvarez as I open my eyes again, “You can make love to me”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I need to get on birth control.

Just like Alvarez said I do.

Because if he’s going to keep cumming inside of me, then I need to start taking responsibility for my own life. Like SGT Patel told me.

It’s not the man’s job anymore if I give him the green light to not pull out.

I’m thinking about all of this as I am at Walmart.

I caught a uber out here by myself because asking Raymond or Martinez for a ride to buy some Plan B just seemed way too personal at the moment.

I buy bottled water and take Plan B outside the Walmart while I wait for my uber to take me back to base. I dispose of the evidence in the trash and just sip on the rest of the bottle.

I also need to learn how to drive.

I sigh.

Alvarez left my room in the middle of the night.

He ended up helping me clean up my and Bennett’s room from the mess he made.

But he didn’t stay for long.

I didn’t ask him to stay.

I know he couldn’t anyway.

And I didn’t ask him where he was going.

I didn’t need to.

And he didn’t tell me.

God. I never thought the tables would turn like this.

I never thought I’d feel so ok too with being the other woman.

Or technically is she the other woman since I had Alvarez first?

It sounds like he’s a toy, but at the end of the day I could care less about if we have to share or not.

I’m not writing my name on Alvarez any more or saying, “That’s mine!”

If he’s there to play with…

He’s there.

I don’t really care if she wants to have him, too.

I realize that I kind of have a side chick mentality.

But instead of being mortified, it actually makes me laugh.

If I was a real side chick, though I’d have Alvarez paying for my driving lessons or sending me money to go get my nails done.

I muse.

That’s actually not a bad idea…

My uber driver texts me to tell me she’s about to pull up and I drink the rest of the bottled water and throw that in the trash.

Well, we’ll see how this plays out.

For now I’ll just enjoy the sex.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Every time I go to the Defac, King always slips me something extra.

I mentioned to him over the phone that I like kiwis one day, so now any time I go in to chow for breakfast, somehow he manages to make some kiwis slices appear on my plate.

Even though the Defac rarely serves us kiwis.

I don’t say anything about it. I just think it’s sweet.

Raymond notices it, too because the third time he does it and I sit down to eat breakfast with her, Lopez, Martinez, and Goodwin, she brings it up.

“Bitch, where the fuck do you keep getting those kiwis from?” She asks as she stands up and cranes her neck to see where it is being served, “I keep looking for them everytime I see you with some but I never see them being put out”

I look down at my plate.

“She’s friends with the right people, that’s all,” Lopez answers Raymond and when I look up at him in alarm he has a knowing smile on his face.

Raymond sits back down and Lopez has his hand on the back of her chair as he keeps smiling at me like he knows my secret.

“I mean, I would be getting some extra food too if I was dating one of the cooks,” He continues.

I shoot him a look. Sometimes Lopez has a big mouth.

“Wilkins is dating one of the cooks?” Raymond cries like that’s preposterous.

Martinez and Goodwin look at me.

I sigh. I didn’t want to tell anyone about King just yet. Especially since Alavarez and I are still sort of in a complicated relationship.

“I mean,” Lopez tries to hurry and say once he sees my face, “I was just guessing that’s all”

He gives me a sorry look. But my cat’s already out of the bag.

I kind of wanted to keep King to myself for as long as I could. Because I’m not sure where this is going yet. We continue to hang out. But I haven’t even invited him back to my room let alone has he asked me to be his girlfriend.

“We’re just friends,” I finally say and I stress the friends part.

Raymond stands up again to see if she can see him.

“Which one is he?” She asks me.

I’m mortified at how loud she’s being.

Martinez seems to catch my mood and she grabs Raymond’s hand to pull her back down.

“Don’t make it that obvious,” She tells Raymond in a whisper.

Thank God for Martinez.

I turn to look at King over my shoulder. Thankfully, he is still serving soldiers food and didn’t notice anything going on at my table.

I lean forward at the table and Raymond leans forward, too.

“Him,” I whisper, “The one serving the omelettes”

Raymond leans back and glances this time in a more discreet manner.

“Oooooo girl,” She says, “You guys are going to have some cute, dark skin babies! He is fine!”

I can’t lie that her approval makes me smile.

“Yeah,” Martinez giggles as sneaks glances at King as well, “He’s really handsome, Majesty”

“I know,” I say and I feel all fuzzy inside.

“He’s not all that,” Lopez interjects.

“No one asked you,” Raymond tells him.

“I know that dude,” Goodwin says out of nowhere. I noticed he was looking at King and he had a serious look on his face. Like he was trying to remember something.

He snaps his fingers.

“My boy went to Basic with him!” He says as he hits the table with his fist like he just solved a math equation, “I keep forgetting that I’ve met him before, but we always chop it up whenever I come in.”

And then Goodwin continues, “That dude can cut some serious hair, too”

That little bit of information shocks me. I didn’t know that about King.

“Are you sure that’s the same guy?” Martinez asks him, “You’re really bad with names and faces” as if she’s reminding him.

Goodwin seems adamant though.

“Yes! That’s him! I was just chopping it up with him today, even! Before I came and sat down over here!”

Martinez shakes her head.

“He does this with everyone,” She tells me and seems apologetic, “He has so many friends it’s like he can’t keep track of them all.”

She’s still doubting him and as if to prove to her he’s not getting King confused with someone else, he reaches into his ACU pants pocket and pulls out a card.

“Why do I have this then?” He asks her and flashes it to all of us at the table, “He just gave me his card with his number because I was telling him my barber is out of town”

I read it and sure enough in black letter it says: Desmond King. And his phone number.

I take out my phone and flip through my contacts.

Then I hold it up against the white card Goodwin is holding. We all look.

“Ok, girl!” Raymond says once it is confirmed, “Not your man being a barber, too! He’s going to have your babies looking right!”

Goodwin places the card back in his pocket.

“I told you,” He says to Martinez.

I laugh.

Martinez looks at him and says, “Sorry, babe” and pats his shoulder with his hand.

“Aw! Black love!” Raymond continues, “That’s the realest love there is”

Which is funny because at this table there are two interracial couples and she is in one of them.

“So, our love’s not real?” Lopez says jokingly, “Damn. I knew you were just playing games with me. I feel used”

Raymond rolls her eyes, but even she can’t help but to join us as we all laugh.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alvarez wants me to stop seeing King.

He tells me this every time he comes over to my room.

Well, not really tell. More like he tries to coerce me into saying that I will.

If I say I won’t stop talking to King, then Alvarez will act like he won’t give me any.

Which is fine by me because I don’t need it that bad.

And it’s not like he’s going to break up with the blonde girl anyway.

I still don’t know her name and I refuse to care enough to do some internet sleuthing.

Although I blocked Alvarez on social media, I’m sure if I really wanted to find out some information…I could enlist Raymond or maybe even Martinez to help.

But I don’t.

I don’t even ask Alvarez about her.

Unless I have to use her as what I tell Alvarez any time he tries to use the whole, ‘I won’t sleep with you if you don’t delete his number out of your phone’ thing.

“I don’t ask you about who you’re with when you’re not here,” I tell him one night when he’s acting really irritating about this topic again, “So, you shouldn’t ask me”

But I worded that wrong because now he’s pissed.

His eyes go dark and he pins me to the bed.

“You said you haven’t slept with him,” He accuses.

“I haven’t,” I say exasperatedly. I want to tell Alvarez that I’m not like him. That I’m not sleeping with two people at the same time. But I don’t.

I realize that I am risking my health doing all of this because I am just assuming that the blonde girl is just the only one. But who knows how many other girls he has lined up. I don’t know where he goes after he’s done having sex with me. He could be popping next door to Pak’s room to have sex with her too for all I know.

I’ve already been tested though.

He doesn’t know that either.

And it came back showing nothing. Which was a relief. But I got on birth control, too so that way Alvarez can come inside of me and I don’t have to worry.

Alvarez lets me go but then cradles me to him and buries his face into my hair.

He believes me. He knows that I wouldn’t lie to him.

But there is no way that if and when King and I do get together that I’m keeping Alvarez along for the ride. I’m just taking things slow with King right now, but using Alvarez to fill that physical need that I have to be touched and feel full.

I know that after I get with King, Alvarez won’t want me anymore anyway. That was the whole reason he orchestrated everything the way he did before he ever told me how he really felt about me. He even admitted that he knew I was a virgin that night at the hospital even though I acted like I wasn’t. He said that guys can sense how much experience a girl has. Like we have it tattooed on our forehead or something. This girl has slept with this many guys. This girl has slept with none. But I guess that’s why he had to get to me before anyone else got me first and also why he punched Lopez in the face for rubbing up on me.

Alvarez isn’t like me. He doesn’t want to share.

But once I’m no longer just his, all that obsession he has over me will be broken. Like how you throw your toy in the trash when a piece breaks and it can’t be replaced. Well, once I sleep with someone else and have another guy inside of me there is no going back from that.

I’m tainted then. But I’m ready to no longer just be this pure, virginal picture Alvarez wants me to be. I’m ready to just be my own woman. And let’s be honest, I’m nineteen going on twenty. If I live long enough, maybe until I’m eighty at least like my grandmother…then I most likely won’t just have been with one guy my entire life.

And do I even want to be with one guy my entire life?

I guess if I really loved the guy, then yes.

But this isn’t the 1900’s. And even back then women weren’t dying having only had one penis in their entire lifetime.

Although it kind of breaks my heart…I

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Bennett comes back just in time for my birthday. And she has a surprise for me.

I’m shocked when she and Colt hand me a small present wrapped in yellow paper, my favorite color.

They watch as I open it and inside is a beautiful gold necklace with a yellow gem stone. I gasp. But what really gets me is what the necklace is laying on top of.

I hug Bennett and we both just start crying.

It’s a picture of not just one ultrasound but two. One marked boy. And the other marked girl.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

I decided that I want to have a big birthday cookout. Like the ones my mom would throw for me when I was at home. She’d invite my whole family and it would just be a casual day. We’d get a cake and sing the birthday song and just have a good time being in each other’s company.

Bennett suggests that we rent out an event venue, but I tell her that I’d rather just have it at our room outside and at the gazebo and picnic tables by the barracks so no one feels any pressure to dress up or feel like they bring anything other than maybe some sodas.

I invite the whole unit to stop by if they see us out there.

LT even lets me announce it in front of final formation since my birthday falls on a Saturday.

Some people even come up and say they might stop by.

On the day of, I decide to just wear a yellow tube top sundress with my black flip flops. My hair is out in an afro and I have on some hoops and lip gloss. That’s it.

But when Bennett sees me she tells me I look like a West African supermodel who’s wearing something from an India Arie music video.

“Uh, thanks?” I say with a laugh.

She looks gorgeous. I told her to be casual, but it is Bennett. She’s pregnant and she’s starting to show even though she’s not that far along. She says it is because she’s carrying multiples that her stomach looks bigger than it is supposed to.

She has on a red bodycon dress, some high heels, and her makeup is done so expertly I wonder if she’s going to the club after the cookout. She’s the sexiest pregnant woman I have ever seen. Her hair is pinned up in a messy, yet sculpted bun and some loose curls fall around her face. She has her engagement ring on her finger and also a matching necklace like the one she got me. Her’s is in her favorite color too, brown.

That reminds me. The necklace she gave me is so pretty that I’m scared I will lose it if I wear it. But I decided to put it on for today. I fumble with the clasp, but Bennett comes and helps me.

“You’re going to make Sawyer give you two more babies,” I joke with her as she fixes the necklace around my neck.

She laughs.

“Sometimes I do feel like he forgets that I’m already pregnant,” She says with a dreamy sigh.

I laugh.

“Oh, I know,” I tell her, “I can hear”

She laughs.

“Well…” She pauses for a second and I turn around to face her. She adjusts the necklace on my chest. But I feel like she wants to tell me something.

“We’ll be giving you some privacy soon,” She says quietly.

My heart drops at the implications of what she means. I knew that it was coming eventually, but I didn’t know it was happening this fast.

“We got married already legally, since the babies are coming,” She says, “Shotgun style. But we’ll have our real wedding later though for all of you guys and our family”

I smile because I am happy for her, even though I know what this means about our living situation together.

“I’m Heaven Sawyer now,” She says and then shakes her head laughing, “Can you imagine calling me Sawyer? 1SG said everything’s getting approved though so you’ll have to soon”

“How about I just call you Heaven?” I say.

She gives me a warm smile.

“Ok, Majesty,” She says.

Then she pauses.

“Girl, our names are ghetto as hell,” She tells me.

I laugh.

“No, they’re not. They're just unique,” I say.

“That’s just white people’s way of saying ghetto,” She tells me, “My dad’s sister named me. She was my mom’s best friend. That’s how she met my father”

I don’t want to be too forward.

“Wow that almost sounds kind of like us,” I say, “Except I’m not naming your baby and Sawyer’s not my brother”

She laughs.

“No, it feels exactly the same,” She says.

We hugged again.

“But maybe you can give me some names, because the names Colt picked out just don’t sound…black enough,” Bennett…well now Heaven…says as she pulls away.

I look at her. Someone’s got to tell her. And being darker skinned, it might as well be me.

“Heaven, you’re half white…Colt is fully white…you guy’s babies are probably going to come out…well, white,” I say gently.

She blinks. I don’t think she’s thought about this yet.

“Oh my god,” She says, “I’m having a damn white ass babies”

“Technically mixed,” I throw in to lighten the load.

“No, I’m mixed,” She says.

“Yeah, but I guess the twins will probably be a little bit black too,” I try to say.

However, I can’t imagine with a mom who is as light as Heaven is with blue eyes, how much black will be left in the gene pool for them.

“Damn, I guess I have to come up with some more…white people sounding names. Like Bob and Jill or some shit,” She says.

I nod my head.

“Yeah, Kunta Kinte and Kizzy are definitely out. Not saying that you shouldn’t, but it probably will be confusing for their identity,” I joke.

Heaven shakes her head.

“What do you like?” She asks me.

I think about it. I don’t know why, but the characters in Creed, the movie I saw with King, pop up in my head.

“Adonis and Bianca,” I say.

Heaven repeats the names, “Adonis and Bianca”

She actually smiles.

“I like those names,” She tells me, “Perfect for kids who have a white dad and a biracial mom”

Then, to my shock, she takes my hand and puts it on her belly.

“Hey, Adonis and Bianca,” She says softly as she speaks to her stomach, “Your auntie just named you guys”

I begin to tear up.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

I keep my door propped open with my desk chair as we get ready for the cookout. It is a beautiful, sunny day outside with a light breeze.

Sawyer shows up in his truck with the burgers, hot dogs, and a small grill.

Martinez and Goodwin bring chips and a cooler filled with sodas.
Goodwin and Sawyer are old enough to drink. So, there are some beers in there too.

Raymond insisted on decorating.

She tasks Lopez with blowing up yellow balloons as she ties yellow ribbons around the gazebo near our barracks and puts yellow table cloths on the picnic tables.

To my surprise and glee, King comes with a couple of his friends and their significant others. He’s rolling a big speaker with him as they walk up.

And as King introduces me, I see that they all thoughtfully brought big trays of fried chicken, cooked cabbage, and mac and cheese.

I told King that I only needed him to bring a speaker so we could play some music. But he went above and beyond.

Jones is one among the group and he introduces me to his boyfriend before kissing me on both of my cheeks.

“Happy Birthday pretty girl,” He tells me, “Twenty years old was a time for me, child. Live it up!”

I smile.

“Thank you,” I say.

Naturally, seeing as though most of King’s guy friends are cooks too, they all crowd around the grill with Sawyer and Goodwin to tell them what to do.

It’s funny to see a group of guys standing around the grill talking. It reminds me of how my uncles would be back at home.

Some of the girlfriend’s of King’s friends introduce themselves to my friends. And I instantly can tell that they are all really nice as they immediately ask if there is anything we need help with.

Heaven asks if one of them will come along with her to get the plastic cups, paper plates, and napkins in Sawyer’s truck. And the girl happily goes with her. And another one gladly helps Raymond with tying the balloons Lopez blew up around the gazebo.

I ask the last girl left if she knows how to set up the speaker King brought and she tells me she’ll show me. We fix it up and she pulls out her phone and offers me to go to her Spotify and play whatever station I want.

“Uh, do you have, like…black cookout music?” I ask her. I feel embarrassed because what if she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. But I don’t have any other way to describe it. She’s black but I can’t tell if she every went to the same kind of cookouts I have before. Or if they played the same types of music.

“Girl, I got you. Say less,” She tells me and immediately types something in.

The next thing I know Frankie Beverly and Maze ‘Before I Let Go’ comes on.

“Yes!” I say and my face instantly lights up because she did get it. I didn’t even have to explain.

Most of the black people start whooping and hollering.

The girl who was helping Raymond tie the rest of the balloons has finished and she starts dancing in front of everyone.

One of the guys who I can tell is her boyfriend starts dancing with her.

“Come on, Birthday girl!” Jones shouts to me as him and his boyfriend begin to dance too.

“Let’s see you move!” He continues.

I feel nervous. The flashback of my mom spanking me when I tried to copy some dance moves as a child comes back to me. And I would always just sit and watch from the porch as the adults in my family danced like that as I grew up.

“Let’s go, girl,” The girl that was helping me with the speaker says as she grabs my hand and pulls me towards everyone else. I remember now that she introduced herself to me as Trice.

Trice starts to dance with me and I feel myself get super embarrassed as she begins to drop it low.

She laughs as she comes back up.

“Let loose, girl!” She tells me, “It’s your birthday!”

And she’s right. Who cares. I’m twenty now, not a little girl anymore. And my mom isn’t here to spank me if she sees me trying to copy the other girls moves.

Trice stars dropping it low again, and I follow her.

“Hey!!!” She and Jones cheer.

Jones comes over to me and he drops it low with us.

The other girl comes over as if not to feel left behind and drops it low with us. I remember her name now too. She called herself Jadah.

Jones’ boyfriend and Jadah’s boyfriend cheer us on as we all start to keep dropping it.

“Then bring it up! Bring it back up!” Jones cries and we all start bringing it back up to the beat again.

“And look back at it! Look back at it!” Jones chants as if he’s our dance instructor.

I laugh, but I copy him and the other girls.

“Ayyeeee!” Jadah cheers and she actually starts to tap me on the ass. But it doesn’t feel weird, just fun and exhilarating.

When the song ends I feel like I just had the best time of my life.

All of us who were dancing all laugh.

Another song plays but it is a slower song.

But immediately as the chords hit, all of us start singing it at the top of our lungs.

“Pretty Brown Eyes!!!” We chant in unison as if we’re in a choir.

Then we start moving again.

But this song is more sensual.

I watch as Jadah turns to her boyfriend, I think he introduced himself by his last name to me…Goeffries. He grabs Jadah’s and they start slow dancing as they sing the lyrics to one another.

Jones’ boyfriend grabs him and spins him around.

And Trice places her arms on my shoulders. I laugh and place my arms on her’s, too. We dance together like that and sing badly to one another. Sometimes we mess up the lyrics, but that just makes us laugh harder.

I see Trice’s boyfriend, I think his name was Ky, come and tap her on the shoulder.

“Damn, Birthday girl,” He says jokingly to me, “Trying to still my woman away from me?”
I laugh, but I let him take Trice away and she waves at me sillily as she continues to sing.

Then I feel someone grab my hand and spin me to them.

King jokingly twirls me around and sings the lyrics to the song really bad and off key.

I can’t help but giggle.

“Breakin my hearrrttttt,” He screeches as he pulls me closer to him. We side shuffle as my hands rest on his shoulders and his hands are respectfully on my waist.

“Bet you didn’t know I could sing did you?” He asks me.

I burst out laughing.

“Why are you laughing? I’m the dark skin Chris Brown,” He says.

We dance like that for a little bit longer, just singing and correcting each other on the lyrics as the song fades away.

Then we dance to another.

And another.

And another.

Until I start to lose count.

I’ve never danced so much before in my life and now that I know how good it feels to let my body move to the beat, I don’t think I’ll ever not dance again.

I look around and I see almost everyone is on the dance floor now. Actually, there is a lot of people here. It seems that more from my unit have shown up. But I can’t tell who’s all here.

I see Sawyer is still at the grill and Heaven is dancing with him too.

Martinez and Goodwin.

Lopez and Raymond.

I feel super happy.

I lean closer to King and place my head on his chest as another song plays.

“I love this song,” I tell King.

He holds me to him.

“Me too,” He says, “My mom used to sing it to me actually”

I smile.

Then I start to hum and sing, but this time I’m not being silly anymore.

“You’re my angel,” I sing softly.

“Wow,” He tells me, “You have a really pretty voice”

I squeeze my eyes shut as Anita Baker sings “feel so safe/feel secure with you…”.

This is already one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.

I can feel King’s arms wrap around me comfortably and we just keep dancing until the song is finished.

Then when it is over I look up at him and beam.

I can tell he’s going to kiss me before he even does it.

And it doesn’t matter to me that I’m surrounded by a group of people in broad daylight.

It feels right.

Until it isn’t.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Yo, C! C! C!” I hear Sawyer’s voice yelling.

I look and I see Alvarez striding towards me and King like he’s about to murder us.

No.

This can’t be happening.

I try to pull King behind me, but he grabs my waist and pulls me behind him as he sees Alvarez gliding up to him like he’s ready to fight.

I hold on to King’s arm.

Please.

This can’t be real.

King’s friends sense that there’s danger and they start crowding around to form a wall.

Alvarez stops halfway when he sees that King’s got backup.

There’s no way he can take them all.

My heart pounds in my chest.

I’m shaking.

I just kissed him! I want to say to Alvarez. But what can I say? I knew that at some point King and I were going to become more than just friends and I would have to give up Alvarez. I guess today is that day.

“What’s up?” Geoffrie, one of King’s friend’s asks Alvarez point blank and to my horror he steps up to him like he’s ready to fight. They are literally face to face, staring one another down like they are going to come to blows.

“C,” Sawyer comes over and I pray that he will be the voice of reason.

“Yo, can you back up some man,” Sawyer tells Geoffrie as he pushes him away a little from Alvarez, “This my boy. Let me talk to him”

Geoffrie looks at Sawyer. They were just at the grill together and I think that’s the only thing that makes Geoffrie back off.

“Come on,” Sawyer says as he grabs Alvarez’s arm, but Alvarez doesn’t budge.

“You making a fool of yourself right now!” Sawyer yells at him in front of everyone and I’m shocked, “This ain’t about you no more! This is my family! My wife’s best friend! The aunt to my kids, man! I can’t have you out here ruining this day for us!”

Alvarez looks at him for the first time.

“So, we’re not family?” He asks.

I suddenly feel like this conversation shouldn’t be happening. Not out here. Not like this. I want to tell Sawyer to stop. And maybe if I did, he wouldn’t have said what he says next.

Sawyer steps back and looks Alvarez in the eye.

“I can’t do this no more with you,” He says and he sounds harsh but gentle all at the same time, “I got a real family to protect now. I can’t try to be your father any more. I’m sorry”

Then he shakes his head like he has given up. He looks at Geoffrie. Then at the other guys. And finally at King.

“Yo, if you want to try and take these guys out by yourself, do it,” Sawyer glanced back at Alvarez, “I’m not going to try and help you. It’s not my job talk you out of trouble or from risking everything”

Then Sawyer steps aside and walks back over to Heaven. She reaches out and hugs him.

The look on Alvarez's face is one that I’ve never seen him show in public before. He looks scared. But I realize it’s not because of the fact that it is a four on one. Instead he looks like a scared little boy who is lost and doesn’t know his way back home.

“So, let’s go then,” Geoffrie says as he steps back up to Alvarez. But Alvarez doesn’t even glance at him.

“Wait!” I say from behind King.

I let go of King’s and step forward, but King grabs me again.

“Look, I just need to talk to him,” I tell King as he searches my eyes in confusion as to what I am doing.

“Majesty,” He says like he doesn’t think that’s a good idea.

“He’ll listen to me,” I say.

He shakes his head, but he let’s me go.

Geoffrie watches as I come up towards him and Alvarez.

“Come on,” I tell Alvarez, but he looks like he doesn’t hear me.

I grab his hand and pull him away from Geoffrie. Away from everyone who are standing there watching us. And away from all of this rejection.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I close my barrack door behind me.

Alvarez still looks like he’s in shock.

I go up to him and all I can do is hug him.

He stays still for a minute. Like a statue. But then I feel him start to break.

He’s crying.

“It’s ok,” I soothe him as he sobs, “It’s ok”

I place my head on his chest and he wraps his arms around me.

It’s different than the embrace I had with King.

I feel like King and I have a stronger bond. When I’m with him I feel like I’m a person who doesn’t have to give anything and he doesn’t have to give anything to me. I feel whole.

But with Alvarez I always feel like I have to give all of my emotions I have to him.

He kisses the top of my forehead.

I look at his face and he kisses my lips.

I kiss him back on the lips. Just a light peck.

But then I pull away.

He looks confused as I walk over to the desk table. I lean back against it and hold onto the edge for support.

“Christopher, I love you,” I tell him, “But you know I can’t be with you anymore”

My words aren’t harsh. But I realize I sound just like Sawyer did. But I guess we both have to do this.

Alvarez holds his head down. He goes to sit on my bed and he buries his face in his hands.

“I’m losing it all,” He whispers.

I go over and sit next to him. I take his hands from his face and hold them.

“No,” I tell him, “You’re not. This is life”
I rub his hands with mine.

“You’re just going through a different stage,” I sound like my grandmother, “And sometimes the people who were with you in one stage of life aren’t always with you in the next”

He closes his eyes.

He takes my hand, kisses it, and presses it to his cheek.

I stroke his face softly.

And we just sit like that for awhile.

When he opens his eyes, they look the brownest they’ve ever beem. Not dark. Not angry. Not sad. Just clear.

He stands up and I quietly watch as he walks to the front door.

This is it.

This is the moment I finally say goodbye.

“Christopher,” I tell him before he goes.

He turns around to look at me.

I feel tears well up in my eyes.

“I’ll love you forever,” I whisper.

And I mean it.

Does he understand though?

I see him smile.

His face looks so happy that I know he gets what I’m trying to say.

“I’ll love you forever, too,” He promises me.

I nod my head as I wipe the tears from my eyes.

Goodbye.

I hear my heart finally letting him go.

And then I watch as Christopher Alvarez walks out my door.

ppl