narcissistic bitch.

Do you think there will always be something between Noah and I? I've always had this feeling, but I don't know what it is. I'm not sure if it's love – maybe some kind of love. I'm definitely not in love with him, but I think I'll always care about him. Maybe I'm in love with the idea of him. Because after all this time, I've never had anyone who loved me harder than he did. Does? No, did.

When Georgia mentioned that Rory was hung up on me, I was repulsed – couldn't care less whatsoever. But when Tess mentioned that he was hung up on me, I felt warm.

I don't even know why, though. We haven't been in each other's lives for a decade. I don't even know him now. I can't say one concrete thing that I like about him except for the way he makes me feel. Is it because of the stories from Tess? Is it just Tess that's been exaggerating about how he feels felt about me? Is it guilt? Because I kept hurting him when that's the last thing I ever wanted to do? I didn't – don't – care about hurting Rory, though?

I've been hearing about how messed up he's become – how he's now a serial cheater, how he quit school, doing a fuck all nepotistic job.

"He's a lost cause."
"100%."

I lied – I didn't actually agree that he's a lost cause. Why did I lie?

Am I that narcissistic? To think that all of these wouldn't have happened if I hadn't hurt him? That this is a cry for help because I broke him? That the reason why we never talk isn't because he hates me but because he would leave his girl the second I give him a reason to?

I can't believe I said that out loud. I'm such a narcissistic bitch.

We talked for a bit once – 5 years ago. I apologised for hurting him the first time around. I cried. We cried. We spent late nights in his car. But I let it go too far, because I was delusional enough to think that I was getting my best friend back. I missed him too much not to call at 3am in the morning. I let it go too far, because he still loved me. He loved me enough to hear me talk about Rory. He loved me, and I didn't realise it, and I missed him too much to hold back, and I fucked up. Again. And we stopped talking, again.

I can never bear to talk about him because I'm always afraid that I'll say something stupid. Of course I want to know how he's doing. Desperately, I want to know. I want to know so much that I can't just casually ask what he's been up to. I can't casually suggest to invite him to hang out with the group. I can't casually do anything with him. His name is always too heavy to come out of my mouth.

I can't believe he's getting married. Fuck. Why do I believe that it doesn't mean our story will end, though? Fuck. Fuck.

Maybe Tess is right. Maybe I just can't accept to be the villain in his story. I don't mind being the villain in Rory's, though?

I think I'm just in love with the idea of him. The idea of being with someone who loves me the hardest, even after all these years, even after all these people. The idea of someone who will never hurt me. The idea of swearing that I will never hurt him ever, ever again. The idea of an endgame.

Because how would we even work now? His friends hate me (I'm not their biggest fan either). How can I be sure that he will never cheat on me if he's cheated on his girl so many times? Because he's never been in love with her and he's always been in love with me? Narcissistic bitch.

I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with the idea of him.
I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with the idea of him.
I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with the idea of him.

His name does trigger me more when I'm single. Maybe I only miss him when I'm lonely. That's how it's supposed to be though, right? It'd be pretty messed up, even for me, if I think about him this way when I have a someone. The thing is, he is always the one I think about every time I'm single. I don't ask the what-if about any other person. It has always been, "What if it was him?" Him.

But I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with the idea of him.