This Used to be Our Secret

"What's your favorite band?" Jamie asks, getting up from his bed and switching on the stereo.

I pause for a moment thinking. It's been so long since I listened to any type of music at all. I seem to have forgotten my own favorite band.

"I like everything really." I tell him instead.

It's been an hour or so, and Jamie and I have been hidden away in his tiny space of a room. We haven't done much besides talking and getting to know each other but it feels nice. I haven't had this kind of pointless discussion in so long.

"Hmmm." Jamie mumbles to himself, switching through different CD's. "Ah! Please tell me you like this band." He says, turning on a cd and sitting back down. I wait for the music to begin to play, praying that I actually do like it.

"Love, my angel on silver lines, so young and so terrified, somehow we realized, only the strong survive." The song starts.
"Kill Hannah!" I say excitedly. "Who doesn't like this band?!"

He smiles. "A lot of people actually, especially my cousin Brandon."

Brandon.

Brandon hated this band.

The thought hits me hard, and I almost choke on my breath.

Jamie gets a panicked look on his face, like he knows he's done something wrong. "You okay?" He quickly asks. He has a strange look, almost as if he's nervous he's let out a secret.

"Yeah…I'm fine, it's just that name…" I mumble, but immediately stop myself. I've never spoken of Brandon to anyone besides Dr. Larsen. I'm surprised that I actually went that far. It's weird that I feel like I can trust Jamie so much, when I hardly know him.

"What name?" Jamie asks innocently. He still looks nervous, and it's starting to make me feel uneasy.

"Eh, it's nothing." I lie and shrug. "It's almost dinner time; I should probably go and see if I can find Toxic." I stand awkwardly and head for the door. "I'll meet you down there." I shut the door hurriedly before he can speak a word. I don't like the way he was acting, almost as if he was hiding something from me. Not that he has any reason not too. We've only known each other a week or so, even if we have become pretty close, I don't even tell him most stuff either. I curse loudly at the fact that it's bothering me so much. It shouldn't.

I make my way down the hall and stop at the last door, Toxic's room. I bang loudly over the blasting music playing inside. As I figured, no one answers. I bang again, this time even louder. Music stops and I can hear feet shuffle across the floor. The door swings open and a smiling Toxic greets me with a hug. "Elle!"

"Hey Toxic." I give her my best go at a smile. "Coming to dinner?"

"Yeah let's go!" She sequels slamming the door shut behind her. She runs off in giddy state, leaving me behind. Suddenly a hand from behind grabs my shoulders and spins me around. "Thought you were getting rid of me that quickly, huh?" Jamie asks with a smile. He seems relaxed now, and it makes me feel better.

"I was planning on meeting up with you at the lunchroom." I tell him putting my head down. "Sorry." I don't know why, but for some reason I don't want him to let me go. I smile to myself when he doesn't.

"Don't be sorry." He says in a whisper lifting my head up. He smiles at me softly, "Has anyone ever told you how gorgeous you are?"

My heart hammers in my chest at his spoken words. Brandon always used to call me gorgeous, but for some reason, that fact doesn't even bother me. The only thing I can think of is the fact that Jamie is standing two inches away from me, his sweet honey brown eyes boring into mine. He smells like heaven, it's the first time I've noticed. His black hair hangs in his eyes carefully, almost like he did it that way on purpose. I don't ever want him to let me go.

I look away, not wanting him to see how much he mesmerizes me. It's a regretful move, because he lets me go then and starts to walk off. I quickly follow, hoping I haven't made things awkward.

Of course I can count on Jamie to make everything seem okay though, because 2 seconds after, he's making conversation already. "You gonna be okay without Shade tonight?" He asks, sneaking a peak at me from the corner of his eye. He doesn't think I can see him, but he's smiling, and it makes me heart beat faster.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I question. He knows I've slept alone for the past 3 nights without Shade, why ask that question now?

"Well, I just thought you might want some company, that’s all." Jamie mumbles shyly. "You were so out of it the other nights it didn't seem to bother you at all."

"If I need someone, you'll be the first person I come to, okay?" I smile, looking him directly in the eye. He smiles back and nods his head. "Good."

We enter the lunchroom now, and I notice that it's already pretty empty. I glance at the clock and see that dinner is only being served for another half hour. We make our way to the lunch line as Toxic rushes up to greet us. "What took you guys so looong?" She whines, glancing us up and down. "Ooo, do you guys love each other?" She giggles.

Jamie laughs, but I just ignore her and continue getting my lunch. I feel my face grow read at her comment, and hope to god that Jamie doesn't notice. Thankfully, he doesn't seem to. After I have picked out my food selections, and Jamie's gotten his, we make our way to the back of the lunchroom, and sit down with Toxic.

I take a few bites of my pizza, I didn't realize how hungry I was till now. I hadn't eaten much since the night Shade left.

Remembering why I so desperately needed to talk to Toxic, I throw my pizza back on the tray and start to question her.

"Toxic, were you with Shade when he tried to escape?" I ask her. She glances up from the book she's reading upside and frowns. "I was." She mumbles.

"What happened?" I ask frantically. "Toxic, I need to know."

She sighs looking shamefully and closes her book now. "Shade and I were in my room lying on my bed and just talking about the future and stuff, ya know?" She begins.

"Everything was fine, but suddenly Shade was a mess. He told me he didn't want to be in this place anymore, and that he wanted to go back to having a normal life. Elle, hereally looked so upset, so I suggested we just pack our things and leave." She pauses looking a bit upset and stares down at her hands.
"He thought it was a good idea, so we just sorta went for it. He told me he wanted to say goodbye to you, but just as we were about to, a guard came by giving us no time. We just quickly rushed off and down into the basement where I found this secret window and stuff."
Her nose is getting stuffy now and I can see a few tears falling down her cheeks. I'm about to tell her to stop when she continues.
"Elle I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to get Shade caught, but I forgot the only thing that’s important to me in this place, the picture of my family. Shade knew I couldn't leave it behind so he offered to go back and get it for me, but before we could do anything we heard a guard coming and Shade pushed me behind some storage supplies and they caught him, and I was just too afraid to let them catch me again. I couldn't go back to isolation, Elle, I'm so sorry." By now tears were pouring down her face. I scoot close to her and put my arms around her. I can tell she's just as upset as I am over losing Shade.

"It's okay, Toxic, it's okay." I mumble into her hair. I rub her back softly, trying to get her to calm down. It works somewhat and the tears begin to stop. She sniffles a couple times, and tightens her grip on my back, but other than that she seems okay. "You want Jamie and I to walk you back to your room now?" I ask, glancing over at Jamie. He looks like he feels a bit awkward and helpless.
Toxic nods her head yes and we both stand up. She doesn't let go of me at first, but as we begin to walk she lets her grip loosen, and then finally let's go. The walk back upstairs is quiet, but I don't really have much to say. As we get to Toxic's room, she mumbles sorry a couple of times then quickly shuts her door. Once she's inside I let out a long sigh and let myself drop to the floor.

"You okay?" Jamie asks taking a seat next to me. "That was very strong of you to help her like that."

I nod my head. "I know Toxic was only trying to help Shade, its not her fault." I press my head against the cool white wall and let my thoughts take over.

I couldn't go back to isolation…

What did Toxic mean by go back? She had already been there? I never knew Toxic had even left, but if she had already been there and came back, then that meant there was still hope for Shade. And I wasn't going to rest until I knew he was safe. I needed more answers from Toxic, but I knew it was best I waited until she was calm again. I didn't want to over upset her.

"Shade will be back, Elle. Try not to worry so much." Jamie's words bring me back out of my thoughts and I realize he's wrapped his arms around me. The heat from his body feels good, something I haven't felt in so long. Before I realize what I'm doing, I have my arms around Jamie's torso. We stay like that for what seems like ages, but I don't ever want to move. Suddenly, it hits me. That feeling I keep getting around Jamie, it's the same feeling I got around Brandon when we were 13.

I like Jamie. I like him a lot.