This Used to be Our Secret

Blackness.
It's all I feel, all I see.
Nothing but blackness.

I try and move, but I'm frozen in position. I can't even open my mouth to yell for help.
What is this? Where am I?

I start to panic. I can't remember anything, not even my own name. What was the last thing that happened to me? Was there even anything? Thoughts rush through my head, but they're all blank. Nothing makes sense, except for one word. One word my mind is repeating over and over.

Jamie

I wake up with a loud scream, to find that I am sitting in the office of Dr. Larsen's. I'm lying down on her big red couch, still in my clothes from yesterday. I'm surprised to see that Dr. Larsen is not the only one in her office. 3 doctors are here, along with Jamie.

Jamie

I think back to the dream. Why was I thinking of him, of all people?

"Wh-whats going on?" I just barely whisper. "What the hell am I doing here?"

Dr. Larsen stands up from her seat, stopping the discussion she was having with one of the doctors. The 4 of them immediately rush over, something I was afraid of.

"Do you have any idea who you are?" Dr Larsen asks. She's very calm, her voice is a soft whisper.

"Elle Willows." I respond, sitting up now. Jamie is sitting next to me, staring at me intently.

"What the hell am I doing here?" I repeat. I'm beginning to get nervous, something seems horribly wrong.

"Jamie found you past out in your room, dear." Dr. Larsen answers. "We tried waking you several times, but you were out cold. We were just making arrangements to take you to the hospital when you woke up." Again she speaks a little too calmly. There's something being hidden from me, I can feel it.

"Well I'm fine now," I tell the 4 of them as I stand up. "And if you don't mind, I'd like to go back to my room."

I take a small step. Immediately blackness fogs my vision and I start to tremble. I feel as if I'm about to fall when someone from behind takes me by my sides and steadies me.

"Maybe you should sit down a bit more." Of course its Jamie. And of course he's right, but this office is the last place I want to be. I still need to find…

"Shade!" I yell suddenly, everything coming back to me now. "Where's Shade?"

I spin around to face the others, but the quick movement causes me to tremble again, and I collapse back onto the sofa.

No one answers me; instead they all stare at me, waiting to see if I'm okay.

"Where the hell is Shade?" I ask again, anger surging through my voice.

Dr. Larsen whispers something to the 3 doctors. They nod their heads and exit the room. Then she looks at Jamie.

"Jamie, I appreciate that you wanted to wait for Hannah to wake up, but as you can see, she's fine now, so you may proceed back to your room."

Jamie looks resistant, but doesn't argue. He gives me a small sympathetic smile and exits after the doctors.

Now I know something is wrong.

Dr. Larsen smiles at me. She turns toward her desk and takes a seat in her chair.

I sigh, growing impatient, but wait for her to begin.

It takes her a few more moments, but finally she speaks.

"Shade was found trying to escape a few hours ago. He has been put in 48 hour lock down." She takes out a notebook, and waits for my reaction.

Of course this would go down on file.

It takes a minute or so for the words to process. Shade was trying to escape. I couldn't decide if that was a good thing, or a bad thing. On one hand, if Shade was trying to leave it was because he was ready to start a life again. On the other, it means he was trying to escape his problems. He was trying to leave me behind, the only friend I had, wanted to leave me.

"Will he be back?" I ask, shaking just slightly. My body feels weak, and I feel on the verge of passing out again. I look down at my shaking hands and try my hardest to steady them.

Dr. Larsen scribbles down a few words on her pad before looking up at me again. I can tell that she is tired, and just as ready to leave as I am. Unfortunately for both us, she has a job to do.

"He will be back." She states. "Eventually."

Eventually The word hits me hard, I've heard it before.

A few months ago, something similar to this happened, only I didn't know the kid. He was younger, around 15 or so, and very rebellious. One night he was caught trying to escape, and after that he was never seen again. Shade said he would be back eventually, but eventually never came.

"Will he be back?" I ask again, but this time firmly. I want a truthful answer, not some excuse to make me shut up.

"Elle, I understand that you and Shade are very close. And I, more than anyone, want him to come back, for your sake, but we just aren't sure if this is the kind of place for him anymore." She jots down a few more words then looks back up at me. Her face studies mine; she's waiting for any type of response.

I don't know what to say, or even do. I study my hands instead. Trying to get them to stop shaking again, and failing, but I won't look up. I can't let her see that I'm on the verge of tears. If she sees emotion, she'll think of it has a good thing, but I can't leave. Not now, not ever.

I'm not sure how long I sit here like this, but I know it’s a long time. I can hear Dr. Larsen's breath growing more and more impatient. It must be getting late, but I don't think I can push myself to move.

"Elle, I understand that you are very upset right now, but things will get better. Just give it time."

I'm not looking at her, but I can feel her stand. She pushes away the chair and begins to gather her things. I don't hear the filling cabinet open or shut, so I assume she's taking my file home with her. I hear keys jingle and the zipping of her coat. Then I feel her standing over me, waiting.

"Elle, I'm going to walk you to your room now, alright? We'll talk more tomorrow." She takes me by my elbow and begins to prop me up.

She guides me out of the office, turning off the lights and locking the door behind her. I lean against the wall while she does so, and regain my composure. When she turns to guide me, I shake my head.

"I can make it to my room alone."

"Elle, you know that’s against rules. Now come on, I'll take you." She says this calmly again. But I'm just getting frustrated.

"You know better than anyone that I don't want to leave here, so why would I try and leave now?" I spit angrily, maybe a little too aggressively.

Now its her turn to get frustrated. "Elle, I know, but if anything ever happened—"

She pauses looking at something or someone behind me. "Jamie, what are you doing down here. You should be in your room, if anyone would have caught you—"

"I was coming down to check on Elle, I figured she'd need someone to guide her back upstairs." He states, and I turn around to give him my hardest try at a smile.

Just in time